First Chapter Analysis

yinjenxie

Active member
Joined
Sep 6, 2020
Messages
16
Points
43
This is correct, but... Eh, I'll squeeze in one more just because this isn't yet another Isekai or LitRPG. But this is the only exception I'm making. If I open another in the future, I'm retooling how I do this.



For web novels, this is fine. There is a bit of stuff you could do with prose to liven it up, switching from passive to active more.


That aside, I do like how you handle the dialogue and the actual events of the story. I'd maybe try to make the first line more catchy -- see what I've said about hooks somewhere in this thread -- but the actual events and idea of a traitor work. Everything going awry can work here. I DO feel there's too many characters to keep track of a bit, but it's not a big deal. Also, a part of me worries you overuse technical jagron throughout. That said, I actually like it more with the worldbuilding here since people are actively doing stuff.

Also, there are grammar issues that can be easily found and cleaned. For instance...


This should be...



And I'd cut the internal monologue there given everything going on. Also, if you do keep it that way, at least get rid of the comma.

Anyway, I'll give it a...hmm... I don't want to give it a thumbs down, but it isn't an enthusiastic thumbs up if that makes sense. You aren't doing bad at all though and should be proud of your work so far.

Oh, and you do a lot of telling instead of showing too, so here's this.


Thanks for the exception part. Always having a hard time with show, don't tell stuff. I should have not ignored my English teacher before XD

Your analysis helped me anyways. Thank you once again...
 
Top