First Chapter Analysis

[KersenBloemNL]

Aura
Could you perhaps give my novel a look, too? Thanks a lot!

 

[Story_Marc]

I should be doing this again next week. There's something I'm thinking about doing this week to make this easier on me once again. And tackle reoccurring issues I notice in a way that's informative.

 

[Story_Marc]

I would also like one if you don't mind. In His Will

Well, this was a unique one to do. I'd pass on this one personally, but my top reason would be that the premise doesn't interest me personally. That said, I give you props for writing with this in mind. Now, ignoring that, there was something I noticed reading the prose that impacted things as well. Well, I'm near positive it did, but I wanted to be transparent about my lack of interest in the premise first, so you can take that into consideration on whether or not you should ignore what I'm going to say.

When I read this, the delivery felt monotonous. I've three theories as to why for this. First, there's a lack of cadence with this. I noticed you lack sentence structure variety. You tend to rely heavily on subject-very-object alone. Also, sentence length variety might help out too.

The bigger issue is the prominent use of passive voice throughout. I'm sure that's what gives it this detached vibe when reading. In fact, I discussed this recently on one of the things with active writing and passive voice. Here's the video on it:

I can see excessive telling, which, while you can get away with it more in 1st-person, still isn't ideal if you're just telling.

Also, for more smaller things, I see things like rogue body parts. An example of that in action.

With a practiced motion, My left hand retrieved my phone and tapped the app designed to select a random bible verse.

She's choosing to do the action and we're immersed in her, so it should be this:

With a practiced motion, I retrieved my phone and tapped the app designed to select a random bible verse.

To quote a bit from where I learned this...

Body parts that move independently take the character out of the equation. When readers have trouble connecting to the characters in a story, this can sometimes be the cause because we’ve removed the characters from the central role they should be playing. From the point of view of writing in deep POV, animating body parts in this way makes it feel like we’re outside the character again. We see the body parts acting. The character doesn’t seem to have any part in it.

For example…

Her hand shot up.

It really didn’t. She chose, at least on an instinctive level, to put her hand up. Her hand did not act alone (unless she really is possessed).

Fixed: She shot her hand into the air.

One more example.

Rogue Body Part: His fist pounded on the door.

His fist does not act outside of his will. He’s the one pounding on the door. He uses his fist to do it.

Fixed: He pounded on the door.

There is an exception to this, but not important right now. That's the key thing to point out.

That said, I still absolutely encourage you to see through this vision as an actual story. Even if it isn't for me, I am so happy to see someone do something more unique! And I think the premise could work. I guess it kind of reminds me of something like Life is Strange. Which isn't for me either, but I recognize why others can enjoy it.

I might do some more of these this weekend, who knows? Truth be told, I'm kind of feeling eh on helping people right now. I've been questioning what's the point of doing all this for others lately. I know I can help people out, and I usually like to, but... I'm just feeling discouraged. And when the only thing I keep hearing for why I should do it is because it helped them with their stuff, I find it harder to care. After all, it just comes back to how I'm of service to others, not anything with regard to my own work, effort, identity, or ambitions.

I'm not abandoning anything since I do genuinely like helping where I can, I'm just... I don't know, I'm still working my emotions here out.

 

[RainHarlow]

Sorry to hear about the ennui about it all. I think you might've skipped mine, as it happens.

 

[datanerd]

I might do some more of these this weekend, who knows? Truth be told, I'm kind of feeling eh on helping people right now. I've been questioning what's the point of doing all this for others lately. I know I can help people out, and I usually like to, but... I'm just feeling discouraged. And when the only thing I keep hearing for why I should do it is because it helped them with their stuff, I find it harder to care. After all, it just comes back to how I'm of service to others, not anything with regard to my own work, effort, identity, or ambitions.

I'm not abandoning anything since I do genuinely like helping where I can, I'm just... I don't know, I'm still working my emotions here out.

Speaking as someone whom you've helped, thank you from the bottom of my heart. But, please, only continue to do so if you want to, not because it helps us. Take care of yourself first.

 

[Story_Marc]

Sorry to hear about the ennui about it all. I think you might've skipped mine, as it happens.

Apologies, these can blend in a lot at times.

I like your opening myself, though I do think it might lack an immediate hook into the core story because of how long everything goes with the description and worldbuilding. I can see the more gradual pace sabotaging with some, though I also wouldn't tell you to get rid of it as I can see it appealing to others. Still, that aside, I enjoyed worldbuilding, Deros' being a meticulous, keen observer (at least this is what I picked up) who contrasts the more straightforward & laidback Telalo, and the intrigue that seems to be going on. While I see that potential danger in chapter length and pacing (which I know from experience in doing something similar), I have to give you a thumbs up. At most, I think your opening might not be as effective with web novel crowds, but you are a good writer and worldbuilder from what I can tell so far.

@datanerd Kudos and it should be fine. Knowing me, I'll find the solution & bounce back even stronger than I was before. I go through these phases sometimes. It's just a part of life. After taking a nap, I realized I'm just feeling eh since I feel like most people care about me more as an editor or helper for their works than as a fellow creator. So I just need to find a way to solve feeling like that.

 

[LowinKeshin]

No no, it's fine I like the feedback. Also for the rogue body parts, it's kind of intended because once Jane started looking into the future she doesn't move the body because she is only watching but she can still feel the touch, the movement, and everything else.

I'm not abandoning anything since I do genuinely like helping where I can, I'm just... I don't know, I'm still working my emotions here out.

Sorry to hear about your demotivation, I tried reading yours but to be honest I don't even know what feedback to give.

 

[RainHarlow]

Apologies, these can blend in a lot at times.

I like your opening myself, though I do think it might lack an immediate hook into the core story because of how long everything goes with the description and worldbuilding. I can see the more gradual pace sabotaging with some, though I also wouldn't tell you to get rid of it as I can see it appealing to others. Still, that aside, I enjoyed worldbuilding, Deros' being a meticulous, keen observer (at least this is what I picked up) who contrasts the more straightforward & laidback Telalo, and the intrigue that seems to be going on. While I see that potential danger in chapter length and pacing (which I know from experience in doing something similar), I have to give you a thumbs up. At most, I think your opening might not be as effective with web novel crowds, but you are a good writer and worldbuilder from what I can tell so far.

No problem, and thanks for the feedback! I pretty much agree with you on the 'but webnovel' aspect, heh. My only experience with them was Worm until hearing about RR and I was never thinking about writing specifically to it, just writing a book series, maybe on a blog. But the beginning is like an anchorage for that sort of long haul, while starting with 'the heavens' is a deliberate, symbolic part of the equation.

Thanks for what you do all-in-all, by the way, and hope you find a little better equilibrium. I do think it has an intangible benefit. A rep, brand recognition (your name and icon), a sense and confidence — with evidence — you know what you're doing.

Have you ever started a club or something like that? Sounds like maybe you want colleagues to interact with on the same level. I did that back in the yahoo group days (and I was probably the weakest link lol), and then a smidge on some private membership forum I forget the name of. Feel like small groups are the best path for balanced interactions. But they have to be led correctly to shine.

 

[Story_Marc]

No no, it's fine I like the feedback. Also for the rogue body parts, it's kind of intended because once Jane started looking into the future she doesn't move the body because she is only watching but she can still feel the touch, the movement, and everything else.



Sorry to hear about your demotivation, I tried reading yours but to be honest I don't even know what feedback to give.

Ahh, okay on that! The fact that's where the story starts makes it a bit harder to tell, but I can see how it works there. And yeah, that's a case where it can fall into the exception. I'll expand on what I could've said before then on rogue body parts when the exception comes into play.

In this case, we might want to violate this guideline if we’re writing something intentionally metaphoric or if we need to add special emphasis to the body part itself.

For example, we might have a situation where one character can’t act true to his desires. He hates what he has to do and wishes it could be different, but saying so openly would put his life in jeopardy or cause some other negative repercussion. We might write something like the following.

His eyes pled with her to forgive him.

We might also have a situation where we want to create the impression that the character is disconnected or that one part of them is in disagreement with the other part. For example, say someone has come to our viewpoint character to show her evidence that her husband is cheating on her. Some part of her will want to know the truth. Another part will want to protect the life she has because she’s happy. In that case, we might write…

I drew back in my seat, away from the offered envelope, but my hand reached for it anyway.

The important thing to remember is that these are exceptions. We’ll break the guideline occasionally for special effect. Regular use of independently moving body parts hurts our writing by disrupting deep POV, being unintentionally funny, and disconnecting readers from the characters.

But yeah, a bit more active sentences and showing instead of telling might help you out, to make such moments like that feel more intentional and the narration feel less detached. I'd also recommend giving my videos on showing & telling a look for a bit more on techniques there. They're examples where I go more into depth on some stuff that could maybe help liven up your prose. Cadence comes down to the other thing, but I haven't made that video yet. It'll be the last in the series on the Five Cs. It's my personal favorite and it'll help me lead into other things, like euphonics, punctuation, and rhetoric tools. ...I should also work on some stuff to help people with writing the description itself, but again, I'll add that to future projects.

Also, you're fine. If there's one thing I've accepted, it's that I write something niche within these platforms and my target audience likely isn't within these spaces. Plus I'm not looking for editors or critique partners, I just want to entertain my target audience and actually hear something from them. I'm just questioning if the time I spend helping others is actually helping me connect with anybody who would be interested in my work as well. If this is the best use of my time for finding my fulfillment as a creator.

No problem, and thanks for the feedback! I pretty much agree with you on the 'but webnovel' aspect, heh. My only experience with them was Worm until hearing about RR and I was never thinking about writing specifically to it, just writing a book series, maybe on a blog. But the beginning is like an anchorage for that sort of long haul, while starting with 'the heavens' is a deliberate, symbolic part of the equation.

Thanks for what you do all-in-all, by the way, and hope you find a little better equilibrium. I do think it has an intangible benefit. A rep, brand recognition (your name and icon), a sense and confidence — with evidence — you know what you're doing.

Have you ever started a club or something like that? Sounds like maybe you want colleagues to interact with on the same level. I did that back in the yahoo group days (and I was probably the weakest link lol), and then a smidge on some private membership forum I forget the name of. Feel like small groups are the best path for balanced interactions. But they have to be led correctly to shine.

Those are things I have thought about as benefits. I just wonder if it serves me as an actual creator or not since I've not seen any evidence it does. Plenty of evidence for me as a consultant, though. That's what eats at me.

At any rate, thanks for the suggestion! I do have some long-term aspirations for creating such a community, despite my doubts it'll work. I have tried such things before, but it failed from a lack of dedication from others. And most attempts to join other groups fall flat for me since I just end up helping others or being dismissed by people who aren't interested in the depth I wish to explore.

Anyway, on that with web novel space, I can add this thing that I've learned, for your consideration:

ACTION-ORIENTED WRITING
Webfiction is all about action- they’re designed to be written fast and read faster.

Readers of webfiction aren’t looking for novels with long paragraphs and deep introspective prose. They want simple, practical and cinematic stories that they can read during a quick 10-minute bus ride to work or while on their lunch break. In fact, if they see giant blocks of text, they tend to go looking for another story because they think they won’t have time to finish it.

So, the writing style of webfiction is built around actions and descriptions of action, using short prose with a focus on dialog and few long descriptions. Filled with tight prose, punchy sparse adjectives and active verbs, it's designed to convey the story in an efficient way for a writer who has to crank out a chapter or two a day in addition to doing another job to pay the bills.

Characters speak in lots of clear, direct dialog and actions are described in straightforward and simple ways. Since dialog reads faster than exposition, webfiction writers will usually have characters express important information instead of saying it directly to the audience, using head-hopping to give different perspectives and points of view. It’s a very cinematic style of writing which is more focused on what happens than how characters feel about it.

I still am 100% for staying true to what you wish to do, though. IMO, your writing seems far more oriented to traditional publishing with fantasy audiences in mind due to its meticulous nature. It's why I wanted to acknowledge, based on what I've seen so far, you do have a good handle on what you're trying to do and I can see a target audience for it existing. Still, if you wish to adjust it, the above can explain a bit why and there is stuff I can provide that expands more on it with examples. I could even produce examples myself if I wanted. It's just a tad time-consuming for me, which is why I tend to make episodes for that stuff instead.