Finally freed up! On vacation now after an exhausting week of work and I’ve been able to sit down and think. So, let’s speed run this.
@Edd99 Assassin’s Apocalypse
You’ve gotten better at this compared to the previous draft. I think you’d benefit from using more verbose verbs though when it comes to describing. I still hate the LitRPG stuff, but that’s more a me issue than anything else. I took the time to research and understand the genre more in depth. I’d say it’s good that you introduce it all here at the beginning as you do, instead of dragging it out. Also, I love how this was the assassin’s last job before getting forced into this and his reaction. If I was into LitRPG, I’d be invested to see how he gets out of things.
Here’s a specific lesson for you on verbs:
More than any other part of speech, it is the verb that determines whether a writer is a wimp or a wizard. Novices tend to rely on is and other static verbs and lose momentum by stumbling into the passive voice (more on that in a moment). The pros make strong nouns and dynamic verbs the heart of their style; verbs make their prose quiver.
The first key to exploiting dynamic verbs is simply to use them. For some reason, even experienced writers pepper first drafts with forms of be. Nothing wrong with that, as long as the writers indulge in many more drafts to go back and season the prose with dynamic verbs. Some writers devote one entire rewrite to verbs, circling every is and are and trying to replace as many as possible. Eventually, dynamic verbs will start flowing from the get-go.
I didn’t really feel suspense in things when sneaking in, though it seemed like an afterthought, even with taking people down. Like, good example…
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I raised my suppressed pistol. Although a suppressed pistol is not exactly quiet, it does not register with bystanders as a gunshot, due to the difference in sound between an unsuppressed and suppressed pistol. So although the noise made is by no means silent, other security guards would by no means come and investigate. I then raised my pistol, and fired twice. Two bangs, two corpses. With that, the path was clear, and I stalked onwards, as if I was the reaper himself.
After going down the stairwell and dispatching two more guards, I reloaded my pistol and debated what to do next. I could take out my customized FN Scar H with a double-sized mag, courtesy of a now deceased Filipino security contractor and risk a more immediately risky gunfight, or I could use my gas grenades, which were hard to detect. Problem was, that if one of the guards even got a whiff of the gas, he would radio in and the rest would be swarming all over me in seconds.
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Otherwise, I liked it up until the LitRPG and that’s just because I’m not the fondest of LitRPG. If you can keep up the assassin stuff and maybe add a little bit more flair to the actual action, I think you’ll be fine. If you’d like my brainstorming on stuff for the action stuff, feel free to ask. This is where I’m not 100% confident with what you want, since if you wanted it to just be an afterthought, then fair enough. If you wanted to add a little more flair, I can suggest something.
@Sahrynar
The Book of Sevorech, Book One of the Guardians of Lajen Saga
Excellent work! I honestly can’t think of anything to improve with this. You start at a great point with the protagonist, your grammar is readable, you… hmm… trying to think of the best way to put this… This just feels like a polished work that could pass as the start of traditionally published literature and it helps me trust you. I can’t tear this apart at all or anything because I believe you’ve an excellent starting point. Even gave you a heart since I liked it so much. You should proceed with absolute confidence in your work!
@RepresentingEnvy My Sister, My Savior
Oh no… Present tense… My mortal enemy… I hate present tense so much, especially in first-person due to an existential issue it gives me. Okay, so, I’m just going to give you the reason I’d pass on this, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong. I hate first person present tense because it feels weird and unnatural to me. Especially since 1st person by itself involves the protagonist as narrator, but I wonder why the hell are they actively narrating this. It doesn’t immerse me.
Now, having said that, here you go for something which can help.
Of course, you may not WANT to do this, which I noticed with the fact you shift to past tense midway through the chapter. You should stay overall consistent on if the story is being told through 1st person past tense or 1st person present. I’ve acknowledged my bias towards the former, but it depends on what you want to do.
Now, that aside, focusing on the content of this chapter, the sentence it starts on feels like a great opening line. There are some things which shouldn’t be used in present tense, like “I realize” (that’s more of a past tense thing and it defeats the immediacy vibe) or “I immediately” stuff.
The actual end point of the chapter is a good one too.
Anyway, I really like the premise of this one, I just wouldn’t be confident in your abilities as a writer yet to continue on because of the prose issues. Given how haphazardly you handle a bit of it, I’d be worried that you’d be as haphazardly with the actual plotline, which a mystery of all things shouldn’t have if it’s handled properly. If those are cleaned up, I’d give this a thumbs up.
I’ve spoken a lot about prose in past posts if you wish to go through those.
Also, almost forgot to say, something about the dialogue and such feels really stiff to me. I got distracted by other things and forgot to put that down.
@Mortrexo
...Damn, that cover. Okay, I'll read it today.
There, finally launched through these. Been working on some stuff behind the scenes for certain things so I don't have to ever repeat them again. Working on a simple guide to grammar and structuring to make work presentable. The whole spiel I went on before about why grammar matters and the different approaches to it (Orwellian Prose & Lyricism, though I'd argue that Cinematic Prose works best for webnovels) gives a touch of what I'm putting together for others to reference. More it hits well at the "why" behind it.