First Chapter Analysis

[TheIcMan]

Whenever you got the time, please check mine out :D
Any and all feedback would be great.
Thanks!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/575432/ballad-of-the-peacekeepers-sun-of-the-beasts/

 

[Story_Marc]

Thanks a lot, I appreciate the feedback, though in this case I revised it again based on some other feedback, along with a brand new first chapter that's shorter than the original but starts off in a more interesting way and doles out information in a less clunky fashion.

Basically, the villain prologue was retooled somewhat to be more of a "Darth Vader" villain introduction, changing perspective since I was warned the original introduction for the villain ran the risk of not only making him not intimidating or threatening, but also too sympathetic. I think this version fixes both of those problems.

Yes, this new take is even better since it puts the POV with the victims and it comes off as less campy. I figured camp was what you were going for before, though yeah, this works even better and it does exactly what I say in my whole video about hurting the lead. How, if you can't start with the actual protagonist, having a victim suffering from the main antagonist works too, with me citing two shows I loved, Burn Notice and Leverage. So yeah, my thumbs up remains.

Greetings once again! It’s been a while, Story_Marc, but I hope my hard work pays off in the long run. This new novel of mine started off as a very rough draft, but after tons of polishing, I’m confident enough to say this is somewhat passable as a web novel, lmao. As of now, this draft has four chapters, and I’ll write more once I need feedback again.

World Story 2.0

When will I truly publish it? Prob a year from now, cuz I set my goals to write a whole volume and one novella for a character backstory. I know that you may not accept this at all (since it’s not even on any site yet), but any feedback is sincerely helpful for me now. Either way, please let me know what you think. Thank you!

EDIT: I’m currently revamping my writing style into a more informal, sarcastic tone. Why? Because I finally found the one prose that I enjoyed the most, but I only revamped the first chapter as of writing this. The next ones are still kinda clunky and too fast-paced.

This is far more readable and feels natural to you. I'm still not too interested in it content-wise, but I can say for certain I'm not the intended audience. I feel this so far would do a much better job at drawing in your intended audience though. I'll come back to this again later. I felt there was so much I was hit with immediately that it overwhelmed me a bit. The pacing seems a tad too fast, maybe? I'm not sure yet. I need to think on it.

Armageddon The Flames Book 1 Evolution - CH 1- I Will Finish What You Have Started | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

500 Words I appreciate all feedback.

Alright, the first issue, the story opens with present tense followed by a shift into past tense. See what I've said in this thread elsewhere. Pick a tense, stick to it, I recommend past tense, but see what I've posted before. It should be a page or so back.

You also have no cadence when it comes to prose. You use the same sentence structure back to back with the opening, which is monotonous. There are 5 Cs that summarize what makes for good prose: Clarity, Continuity, Coherence, Concision, and Cadence. We're going to focus on cadence here.

You need to vary the type of sentences you use. Look at this:

Placing the ice crate on the floor, he opens it and takes a seat next to it.

Revealing a decapitated human head, he forcibly opens his eyes toward the night sky.

Both men stared at the artificial clouds, one in a box, one alive.

Attempting to count the stars in the sky, he is quickly distracted by his troubled mind. His thoughts begin to drown him, flooded by a variety of emotions he looks at the city below him.

---

You repeat that same three one, which is awkward among other things I already said.

Also, this is a personal pet peeve since I know how to use this properly and so I pick up on what goes wrong here.

"I will finish what you started; Father."

Liam's voice passes through the modulator in his mask, causing it to reverberate deeply.

Closes Ice Crate*

Finding the resolve he needs to continue his mission, the man moves forward.

DON'T USE A SEMI-COLON THERE! DON'T!

Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Most people don't know how to use a semi-colon. You actually use it more right early on. In this case, you fall into this issue, quoting from A Dash of Style.

• Sometimes sentences linked by semicolons are too closely related —in other words, sometimes a semicolon is used when merely a comma will do. For example, this sentence:

The gardeners worked all day; their machines blared all the time.

should more likely be:

The gardeners worked all day, their machines blaring all the time.

There is no question a pause is needed between these two clauses—the issue is how strong that pause needs to be. In this case, the clauses are too closely linked and it's the comma's job (which also mandates minor word changes). This especially holds true when dealing with a series of short sentences.

It bugs me for reasons related to cadence, as I know how the semi-colon is meant to function, how the pause it creates is longer than a comma and shorter than a period. There's actually three theories on why this is true, with neuroscience. The one I currently subscribe to is the idea our visual, speech, and auditory centers are hard-wired together. So, it's the equivalent of you playing piano and holding a key far too long at a spot you shouldn't. So when I visually see it, it sparks the wrong noise in my head, and it hurts.

Also, there's the whole thing like closes ice crate* which... this is prose, not a video game or a text-based adventure or whatever.

Content-wise, I think it could work since I like the idea of finding this, the letter, etc. But your execution with the prose is too raw for me.

I'm using a new writing format, and I don't know if others can read it easily...I can, but if others can't it won't be entertaining for them, and that was the point of it

Multiversal Shenanigans

Jason Wing is what you may call an unlucky person...if by unlucky you mean seemingly cursed levels of bad luck. One day, after his regular dose of his day being ruined, he goes to the library to cheer himself up with a good light novel or manga. A fire...

www.scribblehub.com

The opening introduction bores me. It feels like you didn't know how to actually start the story or introduce this info. There's also the same tense issues I've spoken about. Plus these huge blocks of text are just unappealing, especially since there are people talking and all that which caught up. So sort out the formatting so it can be easily read.

Whenever you got the time, please check mine out :D
Any and all feedback would be great.
Thanks!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/575432/ballad-of-the-peacekeepers-sun-of-the-beasts/

I give this one a thumbs up. I can think of minor things I'd maybe touch up for structural reasons, but this isn't anything gamebreaking. For example, what I'd maybe do for...

The rat man scoffed. “You’re too young, Skinless.” He put two long fingers to his snout and whistled. Following the call, other Rat figures surrounded her. Three stood on the roofs surrounding them, and a couple of them blocked the entrance to the alley. “I thought you would’ve known how things work down here, but I guess I expected too much from something like you.”

The rats closed closer on her. She grit her teeth and put her fists up. “I can take you in a fight. But put the apples down before we start.”

I'd make it more like this:

The rat man scoffed. “You’re too young, Skinless.”

He put two long fingers to his snout and whistled.

Following the call, other Rat figures surrounded her. Three stood on the roofs surrounding them, and a couple of them blocked the entrance to the alley.

“I thought you would’ve known how things work down here," the rat man said, "but I guess I expected too much from something like you.”

The rats closed closer on her. She grit her teeth and put her fists up. “I can take you in a fight. But put the apples down before we start.”

The reason why is that the shorter paragraphs here lead to an even quicker visual experience for the reader, which impacts their perception of it, and experience it with the exact same speed that's meant to be happening inside the story. Or, for another example, to capture the speed of the moment...

Something grabbed her ankles. She jumped in surprise. The apples fell out of the bag and smashed against the ground. “Stupid Skinless. Get her you Disgraces!” Torin commanded as he tightened his grip on her leg.

I'd do something to make it read faster. Let me see what I can do real quick...

Something grabbed her ankles, and she jumped, spilling the apples out of the bag. They smashed against the ground.

“Stupid Skinless," Torin said as he tightened his grip on her leg. "Get her you Disgraces!”

This is not my A game by any means, I feel I could do something better with this if I put in the time, but I mostly just wanted to illustrate what I mean. I've confidence you can figure out how to apply it.

I do think it would help if you dropped a good deal of the tags which have stuff like "warned" or "commanded" and all that, it goes into the telling stuff I've spoken about on the first page and some others. The dialogue itself does the job itself, with the exception of volume. Though again, not a game-breaker type deal. I normally wouldn't even go big in on action openings, but this one works given how character-oriented this one is. I like how it's more the character being proactive and showing us more of them responding to this situation as opposed to just reacting to a chaotic situation. It feels like it's more about the protagonist as an introduction than about the actual situation.

 

[Zenkarn]

Hi, I wouldn't mind having The Garbage Gladiator looked over if you have the time.
Also, thanks for doing this. These threads are great, not just for reviews, but for searching for stuff I want to read.

The Garbage Gladiator – a LITRPG Adventure

With a robot built to dance, they'll sweep the crowd off their feet When chased through the Junkyard by an old foe, Jester finds a unique combat robot of his own. Programmed for dance over fighting, he'll need new allies, old friends, and a passion for performance if he wants...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 93348]

The pacing seems a tad too fast, maybe?

Well, that’s what I warned you about, lol. The first chapter flows just fine, but I haven’t revised the next ones yet.

And yes, you’re not the intended audience, but if I have to guess why, it’s probably because my novel’s gonna be a huge deconstruction of the isekai genre. In the drafts I can’t show you, the tone feels more like hardcore battle shōnen or seinen-lite.

But I get it. Even though some people aren’t too keen with isekais nowadays, they likely don’t want it too deconstructed, either. And since the majority still loves isekai tropes, they want their OP protagonist as a blank slate. So I highly doubt they’d want an MC (though legit the strongest in the story) who is a prideful, bloodthirsty fight-seeker and shit-talker who says “deadass,” “fam,” and “bruh” 24/7.

 

[TheIcMan]

Yes, this new take is even better since it puts the POV with the victims and it comes off as less campy. I figured camp was what you were going for before, though yeah, this works even better and it does exactly what I say in my whole video about hurting the lead. How, if you can't start with the actual protagonist, having a victim suffering from the main antagonist works too, with me citing two shows I loved, Burn Notice and Leverage. So yeah, my thumbs up remains.

This is far more readable and feels natural to you. I'm still not too interested in it content-wise, but I can say for certain I'm not the intended audience. I feel this so far would do a much better job at drawing in your intended audience though. I'll come back to this again later. I felt there was so much I was hit with immediately that it overwhelmed me a bit. The pacing seems a tad too fast, maybe? I'm not sure yet. I need to think on it.

Alright, the first issue, the story opens with present tense followed by a shift into past tense. See what I've said in this thread elsewhere. Pick a tense, stick to it, I recommend past tense, but see what I've posted before. It should be a page or so back.

You also have no cadence when it comes to prose. You use the same sentence structure back to back with the opening, which is monotonous. There are 5 Cs that summarize what makes for good prose: Clarity, Continuity, Coherence, Concision, and Cadence. We're going to focus on cadence here.

You need to vary the type of sentences you use. Look at this:

---

You repeat that same three one, which is awkward among other things I already said.

Also, this is a personal pet peeve since I know how to use this properly and so I pick up on what goes wrong here.



DON'T USE A SEMI-COLON THERE! DON'T!

Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Most people don't know how to use a semi-colon. You actually use it more right early on. In this case, you fall into this issue, quoting from A Dash of Style.


It bugs me for reasons related to cadence, as I know how the semi-colon is meant to function, how the pause it creates is longer than a comma and shorter than a period. There's actually three theories on why this is true, with neuroscience. The one I currently subscribe to is the idea our visual, speech, and auditory centers are hard-wired together. So, it's the equivalent of you playing piano and holding a key far too long at a spot you shouldn't. So when I visually see it, it sparks the wrong noise in my head, and it hurts.

Also, there's the whole thing like closes ice crate* which... this is prose, not a video game or a text-based adventure or whatever.

Content-wise, I think it could work since I like the idea of finding this, the letter, etc. But your execution with the prose is too raw for me.

The opening introduction bores me. It feels like you didn't know how to actually start the story or introduce this info. There's also the same tense issues I've spoken about. Plus these huge blocks of text are just unappealing, especially since there are people talking and all that which caught up. So sort out the formatting so it can be easily read.

I give this one a thumbs up. I can think of minor things I'd maybe touch up for structural reasons, but this isn't anything gamebreaking. For example, what I'd maybe do for...


I'd make it more like this:



The reason why is that the shorter paragraphs here lead to an even quicker visual experience for the reader, which impacts their perception of it, and experience it with the exact same speed that's meant to be happening inside the story. Or, for another example, to capture the speed of the moment...


I'd do something to make it read faster. Let me see what I can do real quick...


This is not my A game by any means, I feel I could do something better with this if I put in the time, but I mostly just wanted to illustrate what I mean. I've confidence you can figure out how to apply it.

I do think it would help if you dropped a good deal of the tags which have stuff like "warned" or "commanded" and all that, it goes into the telling stuff I've spoken about on the first page and some others. The dialogue itself does the job itself, with the exception of volume. Though again, not a game-breaker type deal. I normally wouldn't even go big in on action openings, but this one works given how character-oriented this one is. I like how it's more the character being proactive and showing us more of them responding to this situation as opposed to just reacting to a chaotic situation. It feels like it's more about the protagonist as an introduction than about the actual situation.

Yooo thanks!
It's interesting hearing different comments about the paragraphing/structuring. Someone else pointed out that it's weird that I have extremely short paragraphs. Given what you said, however, I think I really do prefer that sentence-only style* (well, not all of them are, but you know what i mean lol) for the action stuff. I big time agree on the snappiness of it.

And I'm glad that I got the character part right haha. I'm not a fan of action openings for the sake of action stuff either, but I thought it'd be an interesting way to get some traits out right off the bat.

I'll definitely take note of the tags. It's something that really stood out in your previous posts, so I've been dialing those back in later chapters.

Thanks so much!

 

[Shiromoon]

Hai, I mustered up courage to ask a feedback

The Princess of White Moon

Years after the sad news hit Erda, Myune was left alone in a faraway, desolate village from the mainland. She grew up as a rude girl. There was only one thing she wanted to do: finding her brother in the castle. Her brother, Maryn Moon, was a prince and a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[ElijahRyne]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

Mayhaps you can do this one?

The Mist of Love

One dark night, a person was hit by a car that was speeding down the road. From the collision, a small mist of blood, Bloody, gained consciousness. They travel the streets, yet all the people who Bloody passes by ignore Bloody. They watch and wander the streets as the years...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Candescence]

Yes, this new take is even better since it puts the POV with the victims and it comes off as less campy. I figured camp was what you were going for before, though yeah, this works even better and it does exactly what I say in my whole video about hurting the lead. How, if you can't start with the actual protagonist, having a victim suffering from the main antagonist works too, with me citing two shows I loved, Burn Notice and Leverage. So yeah, my thumbs up remains.

Thanks, mate! There always was meant to be a bit of camp, but not that much camp.

Though I'm also asking if the Chapter 1 following that works as an in-tandem introductory chapter for introducing the protagonists as well.

 

[Vaas13]

Yes, this new take is even better since it puts the POV with the victims and it comes off as less campy. I figured camp was what you were going for before, though yeah, this works even better and it does exactly what I say in my whole video about hurting the lead. How, if you can't start with the actual protagonist, having a victim suffering from the main antagonist works too, with me citing two shows I loved, Burn Notice and Leverage. So yeah, my thumbs up remains.

This is far more readable and feels natural to you. I'm still not too interested in it content-wise, but I can say for certain I'm not the intended audience. I feel this so far would do a much better job at drawing in your intended audience though. I'll come back to this again later. I felt there was so much I was hit with immediately that it overwhelmed me a bit. The pacing seems a tad too fast, maybe? I'm not sure yet. I need to think on it.

Alright, the first issue, the story opens with present tense followed by a shift into past tense. See what I've said in this thread elsewhere. Pick a tense, stick to it, I recommend past tense, but see what I've posted before. It should be a page or so back.

You also have no cadence when it comes to prose. You use the same sentence structure back to back with the opening, which is monotonous. There are 5 Cs that summarize what makes for good prose: Clarity, Continuity, Coherence, Concision, and Cadence. We're going to focus on cadence here.

You need to vary the type of sentences you use. Look at this:

---

You repeat that same three one, which is awkward among other things I already said.

Also, this is a personal pet peeve since I know how to use this properly and so I pick up on what goes wrong here.



DON'T USE A SEMI-COLON THERE! DON'T!

Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Most people don't know how to use a semi-colon. You actually use it more right early on. In this case, you fall into this issue, quoting from A Dash of Style.


It bugs me for reasons related to cadence, as I know how the semi-colon is meant to function, how the pause it creates is longer than a comma and shorter than a period. There's actually three theories on why this is true, with neuroscience. The one I currently subscribe to is the idea our visual, speech, and auditory centers are hard-wired together. So, it's the equivalent of you playing piano and holding a key far too long at a spot you shouldn't. So when I visually see it, it sparks the wrong noise in my head, and it hurts.

Also, there's the whole thing like closes ice crate* which... this is prose, not a video game or a text-based adventure or whatever.

Content-wise, I think it could work since I like the idea of finding this, the letter, etc. But your execution with the prose is too raw for me.

The opening introduction bores me. It feels like you didn't know how to actually start the story or introduce this info. There's also the same tense issues I've spoken about. Plus these huge blocks of text are just unappealing, especially since there are people talking and all that which caught up. So sort out the formatting so it can be easily read.

I give this one a thumbs up. I can think of minor things I'd maybe touch up for structural reasons, but this isn't anything gamebreaking. For example, what I'd maybe do for...


I'd make it more like this:



The reason why is that the shorter paragraphs here lead to an even quicker visual experience for the reader, which impacts their perception of it, and experience it with the exact same speed that's meant to be happening inside the story. Or, for another example, to capture the speed of the moment...


I'd do something to make it read faster. Let me see what I can do real quick...


This is not my A game by any means, I feel I could do something better with this if I put in the time, but I mostly just wanted to illustrate what I mean. I've confidence you can figure out how to apply it.

I do think it would help if you dropped a good deal of the tags which have stuff like "warned" or "commanded" and all that, it goes into the telling stuff I've spoken about on the first page and some others. The dialogue itself does the job itself, with the exception of volume. Though again, not a game-breaker type deal. I normally wouldn't even go big in on action openings, but this one works given how character-oriented this one is. I like how it's more the character being proactive and showing us more of them responding to this situation as opposed to just reacting to a chaotic situation. It feels like it's more about the protagonist as an introduction than about the actual situation.

thank you sir.

 

[RainingSky]

Here you go, try it out if you are in the mood.

We the Villains

 

[Story_Marc]

Thanks, mate! There always was meant to be a bit of camp, but not that much camp.

Though I'm also asking if the Chapter 1 following that works as an in-tandem introductory chapter for introducing the protagonists as well.

I only do the first chapter though, so I'll have to pass. I'd rather not set a precedent.

Well, that’s what I warned you about, lol. The first chapter flows just fine, but I haven’t revised the next ones yet.

And yes, you’re not the intended audience, but if I have to guess why, it’s probably because my novel’s gonna be a huge deconstruction of the isekai genre. In the drafts I can’t show you, the tone feels more like hardcore battle shōnen or seinen-lite.

But I get it. Even though some people aren’t too keen with isekais nowadays, they likely don’t want it too deconstructed, either. And since the majority still loves isekai tropes, they want their OP protagonist as a blank slate. So I highly doubt they’d want an MC (though legit the strongest in the story) who is a prideful, bloodthirsty fight-seeker and shit-talker who says “deadass,” “fam,” and “bruh” 24/7.

It has nothing to do with deconstruction bothering me (I'm indifferent to it and often feel aiming for it leads to trying too hard) and I hate most modern isekai (I've said as much earlier in this thread).

It's just that everything is so "BLAM" in my face that it feels exhausting for me and it's so fast-paced that I'm still not confident in there being an actual story yet. When reading, I didn't have an anchor to grasp on and ease myself in. I just haven't enjoyed your execution of the concepts, that's all. A protagonist like that doesn't bother me. Hell, I'd be okay with that conceptually as it has personality. It's just too much out the gate. Still, it is better than before since it is readable and I feel the voice itself feels much more natural to you.

Also, to note, for the protagonist to be a deconstruction of the blandness, he has to be it while played realistically, not an entirely different personality. Of course, the question of "realism" is a thing in itself, but I'd recommend not trying to sell your work on the idea its a deconstruction or whatever and more just sell the story for what it's meant to be and what scratch you're aiming to itch.

For everybody else, I'll get back to you this weekend!

 

[Deleted member 93348]

I only do the first chapter though, so I'll have to pass. I'd rather not set a precedent.



It has nothing to do with deconstruction bothering me (I'm indifferent to it and often feel aiming for it leads to trying too hard) and I hate most modern isekai (I've said as much earlier in this thread).

It's just that everything is so "BLAM" in my face that it feels exhausting for me and it's so fast-paced that I'm still not confident in there being an actual story yet. When reading, I didn't have an anchor to grasp on and ease myself in. I just haven't enjoyed your execution of the concepts, that's all. A protagonist like that doesn't bother me. Hell, I'd be okay with that conceptually as it has personality. It's just too much out the gate. Still, it is better than before since it is readable and I feel the voice itself feels much more natural to you.

Also, to note, for the protagonist to be a deconstruction of the blandness, he has to be it while played realistically, not an entirely different personality. Of course, the question of "realism" is a thing in itself, but I'd recommend not trying to sell your work on the idea its a deconstruction or whatever and more just sell the story for what it's meant to be and what scratch you're aiming to itch.

For everybody else, I'll get back to you this weekend!

Thank you! And what you said about pacing is still worked on because I’m learning how to show and not tell as of now. So I may give you another warning later on, along the lines of “too much showing and little telling might make it a bore to read.”

And as I’ve said, the pacing of the next chapters are still unrevised, but let me in on you the good news:

I finally found a proper tone for my novel!

Long story short, after rereading some Bleach and gawking at Tite Kubo’s absolutely kino color spreads, I decided to listen to Frank Ocean’s entire Channel Orange album at the same time. I’ve always loved his fashion sense, and the songs fit just perfectly.

Basically, with my informal prose, I could probably dabble with some poetic themes too! Not just on the fight scenes, but on a character’s clothing. Since you’ll read my work on the weekend, I’d love to hear your thoughts about all this.

P.S. My favorite Frank Oceans songs are “Lost,” “Monks,” “Super Rich Kids,” “Fertilizer,” and “Sierra Leone.” If you’ve heard of this dude, I honestly wonder what’s yours. :)

 

[Kapa]

GRIT

Guilds are a staple of the fantasy genre, an organistaion or organisations with such influence and power, but how did it came to be? Who created them ? WHY were they created. This is the main premise behind writing this story, a story about the dream of a man who wants...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi, i'am very new to writing and i would appriciate any and all feedback of the first chapter if you have time to do so or if you are still doing those.

 

[Dajoe1234]

Could you read my Smut Story's opening Chapter.

I wonder if there are ways to increase characterization so people would like it more.

Johnny Smith’s life with his Two Bisexual Girlfriends.

Johnny is a singer and wants to earn a billion dollar. He will meet Kat Reid and Hannah Ivanova and fall in love with them. . Margo is Johnny best friend and wants to help him out. On his way to earning a billion dollar, Johnny will live a lot of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[JenLeifire]

thank you sir.

I have to give my two cents about semi-colon. How I learned it in my writing class at Uni is that you only use semi-colons if BOTH sentences can stand alone and usually when you want them close connected. I think thats a pretty easy way to remember it.

 

[Story_Marc]

Time for me to stop procrastinating!

Alright, being serious, spent last weekend building a PC for the first time and getting a lot set up on it when not working on some stuff in my free time.

Hi, I wouldn't mind having The Garbage Gladiator looked over if you have the time.
Also, thanks for doing this. These threads are great, not just for reviews, but for searching for stuff I want to read.

The Garbage Gladiator – a LITRPG Adventure

With a robot built to dance, they'll sweep the crowd off their feet When chased through the Junkyard by an old foe, Jester finds a unique combat robot of his own. Programmed for dance over fighting, he'll need new allies, old friends, and a passion for performance if he wants...

www.scribblehub.com

I've said how much I dislike the LITRPG genre before in this thread, but this one falls into the exception pile. I think I know why. This feels more akin to eSports to me than just RPG elements tacked on to a narrative. Obviously, this one gets a thumbs up from me, beyond my personal tastes. You handle things competently, you do a good job making clear what this is meant to be and you deliver on it. It's efficient, which I like.

I wouldn't do the onomatopeia thing like CRUNCH by itself, it's stuff I've discussed before in the thread.

Also, I like the graphics you added since it... Hmm... I don't know what it is, but it doesn't bother my eyes like most of the stat stuff often does. So yeah, thumbs up!

Hai, I mustered up courage to ask a feedback

The Princess of White Moon

Years after the sad news hit Erda, Myune was left alone in a faraway, desolate village from the mainland. She grew up as a rude girl. There was only one thing she wanted to do: finding her brother in the castle. Her brother, Maryn Moon, was a prince and a...

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Hi! :) I hope I can give something of value! Also, real quick, I LOVE your cover art, it's so cute!

Anyway, going from there, you're another person I'd give a thumbs up! While I'm not certain if the prologue is necessary (I peeked ahead since I was curious), I feel it does its job. I mean, the fact I was curious should speak well enough for it. Some tiny proofreading stuff I picked up on, but eh, no deal breakers or anything like that. To note for small examples, I mean like...

His sister couldn’t find out the truth. Maybe this was the best for her. Let the time told the truth to her. Let her grew up as an adult, and then she would be ready to receive the bitter truth.

Maybe could build on some of the setting stuff at the beginning for the imagery going for there, but again, nothing that's a deal breaker. I'll admit the only thing I could see possibly holding back is more with the opening big scene stuff, that's where I didn't really care since it was so big and I had no attachment. It's when we got to The Youth and his sister (which I do wish were given their proper names here) and her role in things that I got super interested. Hmm... I guess I'm held back a little bit my the omniscience early on and snagged once it starts focusing on character and what this story is specifically focused on? Who knows, I could be overthinking it. Regardless, you should be confident in your work so far! :)

Mayhaps you can do this one?

The Mist of Love

One dark night, a person was hit by a car that was speeding down the road. From the collision, a small mist of blood, Bloody, gained consciousness. They travel the streets, yet all the people who Bloody passes by ignore Bloody. They watch and wander the streets as the years...

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The moon light dimmed as a woman in a flowing black robe ran hurriedly through a small peaceful suburb.

Going to murder an adverb here real quick. Quick tip, try to seek a stronger verb if you can.

For instance, instead of "ran", here are some options for high speed: bound, dart, dash, fly, gallop, speed (or sped), sprinted. And if you wish to make clear running away from something, "bolt", "escape", "flee", and "zig-zag."

Here's me doing this real quick while working with your first paragraph...

The moonlight dimmed as a woman in a flowing black robe zigzagged through the suburb's sidewalks, roads, yards, and hidden alleys.

Same issues with onomatopeia I've mentioned before, find it in the thread. ...Or I should just make YouTube shorts or something on this so I can just keep linking to the same videos for common issues. In fact, adding this to the list.

...There's actually a lot prose-wise I can think about cleaning up, particularly with just making this more exciting. For example...

---

She finally saw her pursuer. They were a person clad in purple, who was about a block away, chasing after her. Briefly, she managed to get a glance at their face. The woman saw that the pursuer had two mouths. One mouth on the forehead, and another mouth below their nose. They had what she assumed to be a calm expression. Her eyes met her pursuer’s eyes, their mouths smirked before calling out.

---

For me quick adjustment, using a single line to fix, to make it faster...

---

She finally saw her pursuer. They were a person clad in purple, who was about a block away, chasing after her. Briefly, she managed to get a glance at their face. The woman saw that the pursuer had two mouths -- one extra on their forehead. They had what she assumed to be a calm expression. Her eyes met her pursuer’s eyes, their mouths smirked before calling out.

---

Anyway, as I kept reading on, I'm going to put this in the no column, but mostly because I kept getting distracted by a lot of stuff I could think to do and the fact I just found it boring to read. I don't mind where it starts conceptually, it just isn't clicking with me. It's just a horror scene playing out to me, which the monster in question doesn't leap out to me, especially with how little goes into the description for truly setting the scene and, while I like starting with some dread, I have no emotional connection to anything at all. Hmm... maybe that's what's bothering me, there's nothing here to get me specifically feeling anything? I'm not sure yet. I'll keep thinking about it.

I'll continue with these in a little, hungry.

 

[PeacefulMyst]

Try mine please!


Here

 

[Zenkarn]

I've said how much I dislike the LITRPG genre before in this thread, but this one falls into the exception pile. I think I know why. This feels more akin to eSports to me than just RPG elements tacked on to a narrative. Obviously, this one gets a thumbs up from me, beyond my personal tastes. You handle things competently, you do a good job making clear what this is meant to be and you deliver on it. It's efficient, which I like.

I wouldn't do the onomatopeia thing like CRUNCH by itself, it's stuff I've discussed before in the thread.

Also, I like the graphics you added since it... Hmm... I don't know what it is, but it doesn't bother my eyes like most of the stat stuff often does. So yeah, thumbs up!

Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate it. Also, yeah more esports style was what I had in mind.

Thank you again for taking the time out of your day to do this for us all.

 

[Story_Marc]

Here you go, try it out if you are in the mood.

We the Villains

Okay, first I just want to say, the opening line snagged me.

You massively overuse the semi-colon and examples where there is much better punctuation. For instance...

Now that was she the one standing on that precipice, all she felt was emptiness. She wondered for a moment if there was more she should feel; her family had always been loving, caring in their own dissonant and strange ways.

I really like your prose, so I think some of this observation from A Dash of Style on writers who overuse the semi-colon might be accurate...

As the semicolon is an advanced tool, the writer who overuses it is likely to be somewhat advanced, one who takes chances with language and strives to make it the best it can be. This bodes well. However, since the semicolon is also a fairly formal, classy tool, the writer who overuses it is also likely to lean toward pretentiousness. He is more likely to write in flowery, ornate prose, and the writing is likely to be overly intricate. Simplification is needed. This writer is likely to be more prose than plot-oriented, and will suffer from a slower pace and less action. His writing will more likely lack a dramatic punch.

Of course, I could be wrong, especially since you mention your editing being done by someone else. I don't know. But yeah, just wanted to draw attention to that. In fact... okay, apologies in advance for this minutiae, I'm going to expand on a little something I feel I should put in the whole reference guide I'm working on (which I should start releasing near the end of the month.)

First, to quote again from A Dash on Style, this time on the context of when to use it...

More so than any punctuation mark, the semicolon is designed to help the surrounding punctuation. It is the ultimate team player, its very existence relative to others. Thus context must always be carefully considered when employing the semicolon. A few circumstances to consider:

As for when you should, it's when...

1) A comma isn't enough. This is when there are too many commas in a sentence, so it can't do its job effectively. As much as I hate referencing my own work for examples when in this mode, I can point to an instance I ran into where I required semi-colons for this exact reason.

In fact, he declared it was of no use to work on his farm; it was the most pestilent little piece of ground in the whole country; everything about it went wrong, and would go wrong, in spite of him. His fences were continually falling to pieces; his cow would either go astray, or get among the cabbages; weeds were sure to grow quicker in his fields than anywhere else; the rain always made a point of setting in just as he had some out-door work to do; so that though his patrimonial estate had dwindled away under his management, acre by acre, until there was little more left than a mere patch of Indian corn and potatoes, yet it was the worst conditioned farm in the neighborhood.

As much as I hate to use my own work for examples, I ran into this once with some description that I feel had to be done in a specific way.

She was as much a work as the paintings: she possessed clear creamy skin; a well-formed, moderate-sized bosom; a diamond-shaped face; longbow lips which were painted pink; a long, straight nose; feline jade eyes; and long, straight red hair which she stylized with a front fringe and side locks which spilled down her shoulders.

I put bolds above to show where I recognized the semi-colons utility because the comma would've lost its power. In this use, it enables the reader to take in a long, full image while also giving pause between them, giving more breathing room than commas would've given.

2) It can help with a sentence plagued with commas, that needs some breaking up.

3) Sometimes a period needs help from the semi-colon, since too many might make things choppy but a comma is too fast. So, using an example where it helps the period have its power...

The barbecue was going fine until my father-in-law arrived. Within five minutes he was telling me how to cook. When to flip. What kind of meat to use. I could kill him.

Compare that to...

The barbecue was going fine until my father-in-law arrived. Within five minutes he was telling me how to cook; when to flip; what kind of meat to use. I could kill him.

There are some other examples of when to use it, going to save that for the guide as I wish to have more material for later. Plus I don't want to get sidetracked with this, it's just done so much throughout.

Also, there are some sentences that could really do with some periods used more because it's so long. Good example...

Titania and her siblings were the result of these actions, each one of them just as mad and broken as her mother, but they continued for survival. Titania’s older brother sold his expertise as an assassin, her younger one as a thief. Her older sister kept herself a devout harem full of man she enjoyed herself with, spelled by magic and imprisoned like caged birds. It had always been Titania who knew but never spoke; hypocritically she thought she was innocent, but deep down she knew she was guilty by association. Though she never committed a single crime herself, sometimes, she even prevented the rest of her family from doing worse than they already did.

A quick way to cut it down...

Titania and her siblings were the result of these actions, each one of them just as mad and broken as her mother. Nevertheless, they continued for survival.

Titania’s older brother sold his expertise as an assassin, her younger one as a thief. Her older sister kept herself a devout harem full of man she enjoyed, spelled by magic and imprisoned like caged birds. It had always been Titania who knew but never spoke. Hypocritically, she thought she was innocent, but deep down she knew she was guilty by association, even if she never committed a single crime herself.

Now, to the actual content of the chapter...

I'm conflicted on this one. I think maybe the opening with all the stuff might go on a bit too long, not sure. I do like the reveal she killed her family and all the stuff with that. There are a lot of cool ideas here, though I do think it's held back a bit by something. I'm not sure what yet... Still, this is something that would be up my alley, when it comes to personal tastes. You know what? Yes, I would keep going, though I'd do so with hesitance.

Thank you! And what you said about pacing is still worked on because I’m learning how to show and not tell as of now. So I may give you another warning later on, along the lines of “too much showing and little telling might make it a bore to read.”

And as I’ve said, the pacing of the next chapters are still unrevised, but let me in on you the good news:

I finally found a proper tone for my novel!

Long story short, after rereading some Bleach and gawking at Tite Kubo’s absolutely kino color spreads, I decided to listen to Frank Ocean’s entire Channel Orange album at the same time. I’ve always loved his fashion sense, and the songs fit just perfectly.

Basically, with my informal prose, I could probably dabble with some poetic themes too! Not just on the fight scenes, but on a character’s clothing. Since you’ll read my work on the weekend, I’d love to hear your thoughts about all this.

P.S. My favorite Frank Oceans songs are “Lost,” “Monks,” “Super Rich Kids,” “Fertilizer,” and “Sierra Leone.” If you’ve heard of this dude, I honestly wonder what’s yours. :)

I don't think you understand what I'm talking about with pacing yet... Here, this might help translate it to what your work comes off like to me and why I wouldn't be interested: it feels like reading Super Dragon Ball Heroes to me. With the review I linked summing up the impression I get from your work. It doesn't read like a deconstruction of anything to me, it sounds and reads like a shallow shounen.

Anyway, that's why I said I don't think it'll work for me and you shouldn't try to gain my approval. I just don't feel I'm part of your audience, even if I'm a shounen fan.

Okay, have 3 more left, feeling tired, I'll try to do them tomorrow, but no promises. Especially on... um... the smut one... I don't have issues with smut, I'm just not sure if I'm the best for this one. But I'll try.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

It doesn't read like a deconstruction of anything to me, it sounds and reads like a shallow shounen.

Oh, don’t get the wrong idea. I noticed that too, even when my MC is far from the most conventional shōnen protag, but that’s because it’s not my intention at all. Basically, I changed the tone of my novel again—and listening to Frank Ocean helped—alongside looking at Bleach color spreads and reading the manga in general. It may not seem like it, but my novel changes its tone gradually over time, because I’m pretty critical of myself, especially when conveying a compelling story.

Anyway, that's why I said I don't think it'll work for me and you shouldn't try to gain my approval. I just don't feel I'm part of your audience, even if I'm a shounen fan.

Not doing any of the sort, fam. Cuz at point, I was just wondering if you listen to the same artist as me, lmao. But if you also wonder what the tone of my novel reads like now, it’s very informal, slang-heavy, and the pacing works more with 3k-long chapters rather than 1.5-2k words—yet at the start of every chapter, there’s a quote from an in-lore philosopher that sets the theme. It also has a ton of inner monologue and soliloquies from the author, which I found out was my greatest strength in writing.

But honestly, I don’t know if an unconventional prose can attract many readers despite you saying it will. And as for my synopsis, I don’t think it’ll hook readers enough, even when I do have an audience in mind.