First Chapter Analysis

LadyIsak

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So, a question—

I’m genuinely interested in your feedback, but I can’t quite promise that I’ll revise the zeroth (“first”) chapter based on your feedback or anyone else’s — I don’t want to get stuck in a loop of endless restarts, and I’d rather move on while keeping feedback in mind.

Should I ask for your take or would you find it fruitless, given my current stance on significant revisions of published chapters?
 

JorieDS

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I haven't published it yet on ScribbleHub, but I've got a urban fantasy in the works that I'd like to have a second opinion. I mostly write fanfics but I decide to give original work a try, so I put the prologue, plus the first two chapters on drive
If you can't or won't read it because it's not on ScribbleHub, I'd still like to say thanks.
 

Story_Marc

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So, a question—

I’m genuinely interested in your feedback, but I can’t quite promise that I’ll revise the zeroth (“first”) chapter based on your feedback or anyone else’s — I don’t want to get stuck in a loop of endless restarts, and I’d rather move on while keeping feedback in mind.

Should I ask for your take or would you find it fruitless, given my current stance on significant revisions of published chapters?
Request away, I say! I don't consider that fruitless and I don't feel anybody must listen to me. What annoys me is when someone who is explicitly writing purely for themselves asks me to read, gets a response they didn't want to hear, and then pushes back against me because what I said doesn't matter in relation to their own personal enjoyment. That's a waste of my time. I feel like those types are just looking for approval, which... I'm just not the best person to seek approval from. Not because I'm a caustic critic or anything like that -- I despise those types -- but because I feel it would be a disservice to not give my authentic response and do my best to make sense of why it was my response.

Besides, even if you don't wish to redo things, you could take the information as just knowledge for future consideration. I care more about you reaching a better understanding of what you need to do as a creator to communicate your vision than I do anybody "obeying" me or any nonsense like that.

I haven't published it yet on ScribbleHub, but I've got a urban fantasy in the works that I'd like to have a second opinion. I mostly write fanfics but I decide to give original work a try, so I put the prologue, plus the first two chapters on drive
If you can't or won't read it because it's not on ScribbleHub, I'd still like to say thanks.
The only reason I can't read is because I don't have permission to read. :ROFLMAO: Otherwise, I'd read!
 

JorieDS

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Request away, I say! I don't consider that fruitless and I don't feel anybody must listen to me. What annoys me is when someone who is explicitly writing purely for themselves asks me to read, gets a response they didn't want to hear, and then pushes back against me because what I said doesn't matter in relation to their own personal enjoyment. That's a waste of my time. I feel like those types are just looking for approval, which... I'm just not the best person to seek approval from. Not because I'm a caustic critic or anything like that -- I despise those types -- but because I feel it would be a disservice to not give my authentic response and do my best to make sense of why it was my response.

Besides, even if you don't wish to redo things, you could take the information as just knowledge for future consideration. I care more about you reaching a better understanding of what you need to do as a creator to communicate your vision than I do anybody "obeying" me or any nonsense like that.


The only reason I can't read is because I don't have permission to read. :ROFLMAO: Otherwise, I'd read!
Oops.
Sorry.
How about now?
 

HelloHound

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I'd like for you to share your thoughts on the first chapter of my story :>
 

Story_Marc

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If you're still doing this I'd love to hear feedback from you!

The story is here!

Feel free to read the synopsis to judge whether or not you wish to review it.
The fact this starts with the misuse of the semi-colon hurt me. A good, simple example of how to improve this opening while sticking with what you have...


A woman with blonde hair was cradling me while speaking soft tones in a strange language.

"Averisti?" she muttered. "Ivantiori hashen ilinor."

Anyway, this opening paragraph alone would be where I'd stop, since you jump between present tense and past tense quite a bit. If you're going to write first person, you need to settle on past tense or present tense.

Beyond that, this is very tell-heavy as some of the others. This falls into the same pacing issues as the other things, where it lacks any skill with exposition. It's all just dumping as much as possible, not all that interested in providing an experience as it is dumping as much as possible in the lap of the reader. The description itself is super vague throughout it, and there are quite a few sentences that are awkward or overly complex. Good example...

You: Though my efforts weren't always fruitful as I thought, for I may have gotten sick multiple times.
Quick Fix: Despite my efforts, I still fell sick multiple times.

Also, you'd do well to learn more about dialogue formatting and so on, as this has issues with clarity, among other things.

Given all you're trying to do, a part of me wonders if the story would be better started at a different point instead of trying to cover so much in one chapter.
I would love your feedback on my story!


I want to know if my earlier chapters manage to hook readers to my story or not.
This actually isn't the first time I've seen this story. I ran into it months ago and was curious what it was about. So I can say why I personally passed on it.

First, the lack of tense consistently ticked me off. It annoyed me to read within the first part since it kept bouncing back and forth. Plus the fact this story is being told in 1st-person while bouncing between these two different characters seems like an odd narrative choice. Given what's going on, a part of me thinks that a 3rd-person might be better for navigating this. Or, hell, even an omniscient narrator, so don't need to keep jumping back and forth between the two. Plus the sentences could use quite a bit of basic work, such as...
I lean my back against the fence, enjoying the night sky, it's a beautiful night. The building itself is... gross at best... But the night sky is still beautiful, even more enjoyable to see now that I have a girlfriend to enjoy it with.
Ignoring my hatred for 1st person present tense, here is how this should look with proper punctuation.

Quick Fix: I lean against the fence, enjoying the night sky. It's a beautiful night. The building itself is...gross at best, but the night sky is still beautiful. It's even more enjoyable to see now that I have a girlfriend to enjoy it with.

In fact, just to show how something can be better structured, here's me doing some quick stuff to make this read better:



"Man, this party's the best!" I said before drinking my beer with my girlfriend.

I leaned back against the fence and enjoyed the night sky. It's a beautiful night. The building itself was... gross at best, but the night sky was still beautiful. Especially now that I had a girlfriend to enjoy it with.

"I want to grab a apple," she said in a casual tone. "Want me to get you one?"

"Sure, but not now... I want you to be with me a bit more."

"Oh~ Sure." She leaned forward onto the fence, her elbows pressing down on it. "The sky's beautiful, huh?"

Her [adjectives I'd insert here] face illuminated by the moonlight made me fall in love with her again.

"Sure, the sky's beautiful," I said. "But not as beautiful as you."

"Oh, Luke~."

Something creaked, but I ignored it, figuring it was the wind.

"Luke!" yelled a familiar female voice.

My senior burst through the balcony door, screaming, "Run!"

"Huh?" I said.

"What's your senior screaming about?" my girlfriend asked.

A deafening screech, like the sound of a thousand trains derailing at once, shattered the stillness of the night. I stumbled backward, my heart pounding, as I tumbled over the side of the building.


The event it does start with is fine, though. Plus, it doesn't feel rushed or anything. I don't enjoy actually reading it, but the events it present are fine and work for the start of this specific story. And the premise itself is a good one.
Hi Marc,

Thank you for this thread. I'd love to hear feedback on Chapter 0 of my story.
Okay, this one grabbed me. The hud and all that LitRPG stuff is a personal turn-off for me, but that's a me thing as opposed to any issues. Though I will say I don't think it contributed much of anything there.

That aside, I like where you start the story, this whole group heading in to find this monster. You do a good job with characterization, and I like the action scenes. There are minor things I notice, such as you should use italicize here...

The prose: Stop it, stop it, stop it, he thought to himself.

Quick Fix: Stop it, stop it, stop it, he thought.

This is minor stuff, though. You did a good job here, and the way it ends does make me wish to keep reading. This was done well enough that I have confidence in you. You delivered well on the genre goods out the gate, did nice character work with all three, added some suspense, and gave a reason to keep reading. So yeah, this is a full-on thumbs up from me!
 
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Story_Marc

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Thank you very much for the feedback! It's much appreciated.
Sorry that I can't go through every detail on how to do that here. It's another thing I need to make an episode on eventually. The stuff isn't difficult, on the plus side! Once you gain awareness of it, I think you can do well.
 
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Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.
It's my first time writing for myself; last time I did it was for fun and to forget suicidal thoughts of mine and just make a fanfic of whatever came to mind, but this time I am thinking of going serious about it, so I know it will not be that good because it is my first time writing. Anyway, here you go. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/752577/overlord--new-start/
 

Story_Marc

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it would be cool if you could do mine! ignore spelling mistakes i didnt edit it https://www.scribblehub.com/read/461901-leveling-up-with-my-cultivation-technique/
This would be a hard pass for me. It reads like a teenager trying to be edgy and cool. The premise itself is actually quite interesting, but the execution is lacking. For starters, both the protagonist and God-like figure come across as simplistic. The dialogue overuses profanity, lacks any subtext, there are no distinct character voices (both the protagonist and god figure use similar languages and speech patterns), and the writing itself is pretty inexperienced. A lot of it feels forced and reminds me of when I was a teenager writing my earliest stuff.

Pretty much in your case, my first recommendation would be to work on character voices that don't all feel the same. I don't care about the cursing itself, just the gratuitous usage when combined with everything else -- such as the limited emotional range & static interactions -- comes off as tryhard to me. Like it's trying hard to seem tough as opposed to natural. Also, there's the over-explanation from the god, there's the whole stereotypical stuff with the protagonist as "the most powerful" who is defiant and angry, there's the inconsistent tone shifts from serious to comedic, the lack of subtlety in how everything is presented... Really, that all combined together for why I'd personally pass on it.

My first suggestion for growth, look into ways to improve your dialogue writing. There are issues with the prose as well, I'm very focused on teaching that stuff at the sec with my channel if interested, but yeah, dialogue is the top thing I feel you should work on first.
Oops.
Sorry.
How about now?
Alright, so, in your case, I want to bring back up what I said about opening lines. I'd scroll up and check that out, since I think starting right at the image of the girl would be the best instead of drawing out every one of those little details about who she is, how she got there, etc. That part had me on a "don't really care..." cycle since it hadn't yet given me the genre goods to get rid of the impatience that often exists at the start. If possible (and necessary) with Eva, I'd intersperse bits of that stuff elsewhere. Regardless, once I got past that, yes, I would be intrigued enough. The exact spot you start the story aside (and stuff on what can help anchor the reader in I've already covered), you did a good job IMO.
 
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DataNerdX

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Okay, this one grabbed me. The hud and all that LitRPG stuff is a personal turn-off for me, but that's a me thing as opposed to any issues. Though I will say I don't think it contributed much of anything there.

The original idea started out as a full-on LitRPG. But as I started focusing on the characters more, I removed the stat boxes, skills list, etc. I wanted to remove the System messages and Market too but it's central to the theme. Yes theme, not plot.

There are minor things I notice, such as you should use italicize here...

The prose: Stop it, stop it, stop it, he thought to himself.

Quick Fix: Stop it, stop it, stop it, he thought.

Don't quote me on this but I get the general sense that newer books have stopped italicizing tagged thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't remember the book(s?). Is it very wrong not to italicize? The main MC is going to think to himself a lot and I kind of don't like how italics jump out from the rest of the text.

This is minor stuff, though. You did a good job here, and the way it ends does make me wish to keep reading. This was done well enough that I have confidence in you. You delivered well on the genre goods out the gate, did nice character work with all three, added some suspense, and gave a reason to keep reading. So yeah, this is a full-on thumbs up from me!

Thank you. This means a lot, especially since I felt overwhelmed with trying to outline a world-spanning trilogy with multiple protagonists. I've paused the story to start with something smaller in scope. When you have time again, can you share your thoughts on Chapter 1: Mother of Renalia's Tale?

Again, thank you for reading and critiquing. It's really helpful.
 

Story_Marc

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The original idea started out as a full-on LitRPG. But as I started focusing on the characters more, I removed the stat boxes, skills list, etc. I wanted to remove the System messages and Market too but it's central to the theme. Yes theme, not plot.



Don't quote me on this but I get the general sense that newer books have stopped italicizing tagged thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't remember the book(s?). Is it very wrong not to italicize? The main MC is going to think to himself a lot and I kind of don't like how italics jump out from the rest of the text.



Thank you. This means a lot, especially since I felt overwhelmed with trying to outline a world-spanning trilogy with multiple protagonists. I've paused the story to start with something smaller in scope. When you have time again, can you share your thoughts on Chapter 1: Mother of Renalia's Tale?

Again, thank you for reading and critiquing. It's really helpful.
No, nobody has "stopped" this. It would be stupid to stop it as well since using italics for DIRECT internal dialogue helps point out when and where you do a specific shift and all kinds of stuff there. It isn't used for INDIRECT internal dialogue, but the way that's written is different anyway. They're two different things.

Fantastic, Wynn thought. This was just what he needed. Nothing could possibly go wrong. “I suggest we keep this confidential. This is like talking to a doctor about a sensitive issue.”

It helps for transitioning between the two and keeping tenses consistent, for one.

Also, how does that fit your theme? I see people use the word "theme" a lot and I don't think many actually know what that means...

There’s a lot of talk about what theme is, and how it’s revealed, which can result in esoteric discussions capable of parsing it down to the thematic use of margarine as a metaphor for innocence lost. Happily, theme actually boils down to something incredibly simple:

• What does the story tell us about what it means to be human?

• What does it say about how humans react to circumstances beyond their control?

Theme often reveals your take on how an element of human nature—loyalty, suspicion, grit, love—defines human behavior. But the real secret to theme is that it’s not general; that is, the theme wouldn’t be “love” per se—rather, it would be a very specific point you’re making about love. For instance, a love story can be sweet and lyrical, revealing that people are good eggs after all; it can be hard-nosed and edgy, revealing that people are intense and quirky; it can be cynical and manipulative, revealing that people are best avoided, if possible.

Knowing the theme of your story in advance helps, because it gives you a gauge by which to measure your characters’ responses to the situations they find themselves in. They’ll be kind, gruff, or conniving depending on the universe you have created for them. This, then, affects how the story question is resolved, because it governs the type of resistance the protagonist will meet along the way. In a loving universe, she may discover that, with a little gumption, she’ll find her true love. In an impersonal universe, she’ll find no one she can really relate to, and in a cruel universe, she’ll end up married to Hannibal Lecter.
So yeah, what does the existence of LitRPG stuff remnants say about the human experience? How does it help you get across your story's point?
 
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