[Closed] Free Feedback from the Prince

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

🐉Burns you with his Love🐉
Joined
Aug 23, 2022
Messages
1,965
Points
128
🐉🐉🐉 Welcome to my Lair 🐉🐉🐉
My ordained drakes give you hospitality.

🐲
Here, I will judge you.
​
Things you should know before you submit:
  • I am not a good author
  • I dislike reading
  • It may take time for me to give you feedback, I am a slow reader.
  • I currently only use a mobile phone
  • Your story must be on scribblehub
  • For now, I have no other restrictions on stories I'll accept
  • Don't take my feedback too seriously.

I am doing this to procrastinate writing my own story and to perhaps get some ideas or inspiration while getting better at writing myself.

Appraisal system
Treasure - This is going in my Hoard
Well Done - Good to consume
Questionable -is questionable, caution should be exercised.
Intrusive Thoughts - Warning, may tempt readers into bad behavior
Toxic -Dangerous to consume, bad for the soul
Purge Necessary - I need to send an ordained drake to purge you of your iniquity

My main concern with doing these reviews is the spirit of the story I am reading. I may be able to spot some writing issues but my primary Very True Biased Prideful Dragon Judgement™️ will more focus on the ideas I see in the story and the spirit behind them.
Or at least, that is what I hope to focus on, I am not-experienced in this.

Procedure
  1. YOU submit a link to your story, I cannot see your signature.
  2. I will read as far as I wish. Understand this may take some time as I dislike reading. In the order of link received.
  3. I will post a reply here on this thread with my review. This may or may not be helpful for you.
  4. Leave knowing the you have been lovingly judged. (You may reply to my review don't worry)
...
I thank you for submitting the work you have taken time to put your heart and soul into for my humble-proud judgement.

I shall end with a prayer for you and I:

May our minds be willing, our hearts softened, our ways made right in the sight of God.
Seeking Christ, for he is the creator of us all, having written all things and justified us to the father, that we may inherit the kingdom of heaven.
May we repent of our ways, and follow His ways which are perfect and excellent.
May we be humble before God, the greatest author in existence. Amen.

🐉 🐉 🐉 🐉 🐉 🐉 🐉​
 
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Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

🐉Burns you with his Love🐉
Joined
Aug 23, 2022
Messages
1,965
Points
128
Alseki. said:
You can, as I learned later, by changing to landscape/desktop site. But I can understand it being sore.

The more the merrier!

-Bot.
Click to expand...
I know, but I am stubborn.
TheTrinary said:
Ah yes, my three year masterplan of tricking others to review my work is coming to fruition. Let me know what you think of the Dark Element below.
Click to expand...
Hmm? Below? I'm afraid I don't see it :blob_hmph:
 
Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

🐉Burns you with his Love🐉
Joined
Aug 23, 2022
Messages
1,965
Points
128
RepresentingEnvy said:
🧛‍♀️🦇 🩸 🩸 🦇🧛‍♀️
www.scribblehub.com

Reincarnated as a Vampire Princess

What happens when a creature of the night gets reincarnated as a vampire princess? En finally gets a life she can cherish with loving parents, and a fantasy world that is ready for her to conquer! I have no idea where this will go. Tags may be updated as it...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
Click to expand...
🐉​

Thank you for submitting to my Loving Dragon Judgement ™️
Okay, so I read all the way to the end of the latest chapter Side Story: 2.

It was a decent read, easy to understand. I was interested enough to read it to the latest chapter, though there were a couple of points where I considered stopping from boredom.

Your sentence structure and grammar seem good to me.

For a GL, there was a pleasant lack of GL.

For constructive criticism, the biggest improvable issue you have is your paragraphing.
Your paragraphs do not vary in size enough, its block after block of text. Fortunately, I also noticed that you can often remedy this by separating paragraphs based on character actions.
You have multiple characters doing things or dialogue in the same paragraph, separate them out to one character speaking and action per paragraph.
That'll naturally resize your paragraphs and make it easier to read.
/
Alright let's look at the spirit of the story.

This seems like a wish fulfillment type of story, but I have little idea how much MC reflects upon you as a person. Cute, not much comedy for something labeled comedy. (We may gave different humors).

I like the love that MC new family generously adorns her with, but I can't help but feel like this is what you as a person wished your family was like in reality. I have no actual idea about you irl so I could be way off, but that's what I see.

Her method of Isekai was particularly heartless and unloving, getting shot and mugged. But I feel it reflects well with the rest of her old life, what with her familial abuse and bullied by everyone.

Generally, I find stories with stark contrasts like this to be sorta sad. It's like a view into the author's deep desire for a better life. But one shouldn't give up on this life so easily in eagerness for a new start.

For your vampires, I don't really see them as vampires. They use mirrors, eat food (blood is the real filler?) And I'm unsure if they can go out into the sun? You didnt really specify the weather or time of day. I guess they aren't undead or unholy since they can get pregnant and give birth. They seem to be very modern interpretations of vampire.

To me, vampires are undead monsters that are the result of the corruption of man. These new modern interpretations treat them as like a different race of humans, which I think is weird. The change from evil to trendy is concerning.

I think that is all I have to say, except to stop writing your dragons to be pathetic.:blob_teehee:
Overall, my rating for your story is: Questionable
Which, despite the name, is the most neutral.

I pray that you seek Christ and find a family of brothers and sisters who love you the way God loves you. Amen.

🐉​
 
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RepresentingEnvy

RepresentingEnvy

En-Chan Queen Vampy!
Joined
Apr 13, 2022
Messages
5,538
Points
233
Prince_Azmiran_Myrian said:
🐉
​
Okay, so I read all the way to the end of Side Story: 2.

It was a decent read, easy to understand. I was interested enough to read it to the latest chapter, though there were a couple of points where I considered stopping from boredom.

Your sentence structure and grammar seem good to me.

For a GL, there was a pleasant lack of GL.

For constructive criticism, the biggest improvable issue you have is your paragraphing.
Your paragraphs do not vary in size enough, its block after block of text. Fortunately, I also noticed that you can often remedy this by separating paragraphs based on character actions.
You have multiple characters doing things or dialogue in the same paragraph, separate them out to one character speaking and action per paragraph.
That'll naturally resize your paragraphs and make it easier to read.
/
Alright let's look at the spirit of the story.

This seems like a wish fulfillment type of story, but I have little idea how much MC reflects upon you as a person. Cute, not much comedy for something labeled comedy. (We may gave different humors).

I like the love that MC new family generously adorns her with, but I can't help but feel like this is what you as a person wished your family was like as a real person. I have no actual idea about you irl so I could be way off, but that's what I see.

Her method of Isekai was particularly heartless and unloving, getting shot and mugged. But I feel it reflects well with the rest of her old life, what wither familial abuse and bullied by everyone.

Generally, I find stories with stark contrasts like this to be sorta sad. It's like a view into the author's deep desire for a better life. But one shouldn't give up on this life so easily in eagerness for a new start.

For your vampires, I don't really see them as vampires. They use mirrors, eat food (blood is the real filler?) And I'm unsure if they can go out into the sun? You didnt really specify the weather or time of day. I guess they aren't undead or unholy since they can get pregnant and give birth. They seem to be very modern interpretations of vampire.

To me, vampires are undead monsters that are the result of the corruption of man. These new modern interpretations treat them as like a different race of humans, which I think is weird. The change from evil to trendy is concerning.

I think that is all I have to say, except to stop writing your dragons to be pathetic.:blob_teehee:
Overall, my rating for your story is: Questionable
Which, despite the name, is the most neutral.

I pray that you seek Christ and find a family of brothers and sisters who love you the way God loves you. Amen.

🐉​
Click to expand...
I have written many different types of vampys, but these just seem to be what the people like. I started out with the more evil type, but admittedly, I wrote these types because they are what other people want. And I don't mind these types either. Sorry about the dragons~ :blob_teehee::blob_teehee:
 
K5Rakitan

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
8,274
Points
233
As long as you give me one star, that sounds great 😇
www.scribblehub.com

Kaiba’s Prostitute

When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession?...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
 
Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

🐉Burns you with his Love🐉
Joined
Aug 23, 2022
Messages
1,965
Points
128
datanerd said:
Pushing Renalia's Tale forward for judgement.
Click to expand...
🐉​

Thank you for submitting to my Peerless Dragon Judgement™️
I read to the end of the latest chapter, Chapter 4: Friendship Lost and Card Gained.

I like the way you write, it has a good flavor to it. I like the dialogue especially, but your actions and descriptions are good too.

I like the author footnotes you use, and i like the character reflections at the end of the early chapters.

You talked about show don't tell, but have you considered: show and tell, show then tell, or tell then show? I remember Story_Marc had a thread that talked about narrative distance that might serve you well. Though maybe that will clash with your limited third person idk.

I think you could describe the surroundings a bit more, i keep thinking everyone lives in mud huts.:sweat_smile:

Now this doesn't affect your rating for me, but I see you have adopted the stereotypical idea that life expectancy and maternal birth mortality were bleak prospects. I tend to reject the ideas that they were quite as bad as they say and think it is propoganda or something misconception. But I will accept it for the sake of the story. Mama does seem particularly cursed.

I think the motivations for MC are commendable, family is very important and can be often overlooked in fiction. Some of the morals are decent, but imperfect much like human life. But I most like the MC's selflessness so far.

Your story description and tags makes me think that this story will hit on the difficulties of life early on and finding out what is really important in life. This is reflected in what I have read so far, i think.

I can see a balance between the cruelties of others and the kindness of others. They provide contrast to each other subtly. Oh and I like a few instances of subtleness in your storytelling as well. (Outgrown shoes, using card to stop from crying)

Overall, my rating for your story is: Well Done
Though depending on how it develops, in the future it has potential to become Treasure

I pray that you find your place in the kingdom of heaven, where there will no longer be sadness, death, or pain. Where those who serve others are lifted higher and communion with the One who is most high brings us joy. Amen.

🐉​
 
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D

Deleted member 113259

Guest
I think the only way to make it 100% clear I'm not your alt is for you to give an honest review of this:
www.scribblehub.com

The Minor Villain Will Stay Relevant!

I've always found the minor antagonists interesting in the stories I've read. These characters found themselves getting ahead of the competition through their status and wealth, resulting in a great boost in strength among their peers. In an ironic twist of fate that same wealth and status that...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
 
Anon2024

Anon2024

????????? (???/???)
Joined
Apr 18, 2022
Messages
3,376
Points
183
K5Rakitan said:
As long as you give me one star, that sounds great 😇
www.scribblehub.com

Kaiba’s Prostitute

When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession?...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
Click to expand...
I personally can't wait for his feed back on this
 
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