[Closed] Free Feedback from the Prince

[M.G.Driver]

Me pls, ty.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/699373/a-black-market-litrpg/

 

[DataNerdX]

You talked about show don't tell, but have you considered: show and tell, show then tell, or tell then show? I remember Story_Marc had a thread that talked about narrative distance that might serve you well. Though maybe that will clash with your limited third person idk.

I think you could describe the surroundings a bit more, i keep thinking everyone lives in mud huts.

Now this doesn't affect your rating for me, but I see you have adopted the stereotypical idea that life expectancy and maternal birth mortality were bleak prospects. I tend to reject the ideas that they were quite as bad as they say and think it is propoganda or something misconception. But I will accept it for the sake of the story. Mama does seem particularly cursed.

Yep, I came across Story_Marc's thread and watched his video sometime after I posted the first chapter. His idea of thinking in terms of films helped a lot. I have settled mostly into third person omniscient to set the scene and then zoom in on the particulars that lead to the POV character.

Originally, there were lot more descriptions of the village during Renalia's walk to Granny's. But I scrapped all it cause I wanted to get to the Deck by the end of the chapter. Even though I've emphasized that this is a slow story, I still worry about it being too slow or boring. But yeah ... I think I cut too much. In this village of hundreds of people, there's 1 small hut with mud floor, 1 brook with mud, 1 bog (mud assumed), and 1 tree.

This is something I'm still struggling with. I want to get to an action scene soon before I lose all my readers. It's not even the action scene but the one after about looting & deckbuilding that I feel people are clicking on the story for. But there are still two to three important scenes before that. And I'm afraid of drawing it out too much by describing anything not relevant to the plot.

People in the village are generally happy, since it has been relatively peaceful. Renalia's family is very poor cause of

Spoiler

reasons. Trying very hard not to spoil the emotional catharsis scene in about 100?, 200?, chapters.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Here’s mine if you get the time https://www.scribblehub.com/series/764812/ravenswood/

​

Thank you for submitting to my Always Correct Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of The Council.
I stopped because i didn't want to read anymore. Maybe it's because I've been reading so much recently, reading fatigue.

Your setting make me think of game of thrones, even though I've never read or seen the show. I think it has to do with the intrigue, cold winter snow, Jon Snow, and such.
Despite that, I can't help but read it like a murder mystery, even though I've never read one of those before either.

Your writing is not bad, but there is so much going on and many characters being introduced. Can be a little overwhelming. But i feel this reflects how the MC is experiencing it as well, so good job putting me in his shoes.

Everybody is fabulously dressed, i like your choice of decorations and attire style. Fancy is fun.

I don't think your prologue serves you're story well. I don't know why you included it, there doesn't seem to be any relationship with the story so far. You may be better off starting with just the first chapter instead.

Anyways, i can see this story will probably get pretty underhanded and dirty with the intrigue. But I have never really been attracted to stories where people fight over power for power's sake. I like to see a good moral compass or underlining purpose which most of these type of stories tend to lack.

Overall, my ranking for your story is: Intrusive Thoughts
I find this funny since it reflects what is going through MC's head.

I pray that you recognize the true King of kings, which none can stand against. May you enter his kingdom with his mercy and grace by the way of his son, Jesus the Christ. Amen.

​

 

[Anon2024]

pfft

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Yep, I came across Story_Marc's thread and watched his video sometime after I posted the first chapter. His idea of thinking in terms of films helped a lot. I have settled mostly into third person omniscient to set the scene and then zoom in on the particulars that lead to the POV character.

Originally, there were lot more descriptions of the village during Renalia's walk to Granny's. But I scrapped all it cause I wanted to get to the Deck by the end of the chapter. Even though I've emphasized that this is a slow story, I still worry about it being too slow or boring. But yeah ... I think I cut too much. In this village of hundreds of people, there's 1 small hut with mud floor, 1 brook with mud, 1 bog (mud assumed), and 1 tree.

This is something I'm still struggling with. I want to get to an action scene soon before I lose all my readers. It's not even the action scene but the one after about looting & deckbuilding that I feel people are clicking on the story for. But there are still two to three important scenes before that. And I'm afraid of drawing it out too much by describing anything not relevant to the plot.

People in the village are generally happy, since it has been relatively peaceful. Renalia's family is very poor cause of

Spoiler

reasons. Trying very hard not to spoil the emotional catharsis scene in about 100?, 200?, chapters.

Thanks for the feedback.

If retaining readers is your worry, maybe you should focus or research on how to put more tension in each chapter without a fight or action. Increasing then releasing tension helps keep people's interest. And the difference between tension and suspense.

 

[Bartun]

You said I gave too much power over me to Envy, now I am giving power to you.

I trust you my next of kin. Feel free to give your judgment when you see it convenient.

Link:

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess that just started her journey in the Highlands, in a faraway land. But everything falls apart when greater forces are scheming and unknown men are suddenly after her. She will have no choice but to resort to her wits, trust unexpected allies, and navigate her...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[T.K._Paradox]

Alright this is my most recent project one chapter as of now, but here you go.

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

Hope you enjoy and I'd like to have the response in this thread.

 

[Five6212]

​

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of The Council.
I stopped because i didn't want to read anymore. Maybe it's because I've been reading so much recently, reading fatigue.

Your setting make me think of game of thrones, even though I've never read or seen the show. I think it has to do with the intrigue, cold winter snow, Jon Snow, and such.
Despite that, I can't help but read it like a murder mystery, even though I've never read one of those before either.

Your writing is not bad, but there is so much going on and many characters being introduced. Can be a little overwhelming. But i feel this reflects how the MC is experiencing it as well, so good job putting me in his shoes.

Everybody is fabulously dressed, i like your choice of decorations and attire style. Fancy is fun.

I don't think your prologue serves you're story well. I don't know why you included it, there doesn't seem to be any relationship with the story so far. You may be better off starting with just the first chapter instead.

Anyways, i can see this story will probably get pretty underhanded and dirty with the intrigue. But I have never really been attracted to stories where people fight over power for power's sake. I like to see a good moral compass or underlining purpose which most of these type of stories tend to lack.

Overall, my ranking for your story is: Intrusive Thoughts
I find this funny since it reflects what is going through MC's head.

I pray that you recognize the true King of kings, which none can stand against. May you enter his kingdom with his mercy and grace by the way of his son, Jesus the Christ.

​

Thank you. And the prologue is connected, far later in the future those characters will be reintroduced. What do you mean by underhanded and dirty with intrigue, and also hazardous for readers? Sorry if I’m asking too much

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Thank you. And the prologue is connected, far later in the future those characters will be reintroduced. What do you mean by underhanded and dirty with intrigue, and also hazardous for readers? Sorry if I’m asking too much

By underhanded and dirty i was having a hard time coming up with the right words to describe what I expect to happen in the future based on themes and tags I saw.

And by hazardous for readers, I mean it made me think intrusive thoughts. Toxicity entered my mind. It was hazardous, but not to the level of dangerous toxicity (its an inside joke)
It is intended to rank the story's effect on readers but is otherwise not an indicator of the quality of your work.

 

[Five6212]

By underhanded and dirty i was having a hard time coming up with the right words to describe what I expect to happen in the future based on themes and tags I saw.

And by hazardous for readers, I mean it made me think intrusive thoughts. Toxicity entered my mind. It was hazardous, but not to the level of dangerous toxicity (its an inside joke)
It is intended to rank the story's effect on readers but is otherwise not an indicator of the quality of your work.

Alright, thanks

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

As long as you give me one star, that sounds great

Kaiba’s Prostitute

When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession?...

www.scribblehub.com

​

Thank you for submitting to my Just Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I forced myself to read to the end of Chapter 5: That Stupid Banner

Your introductory chapter is pretty straightforward about the intent of the story.

Chapters 2 and 3 i thought were humorous.
Then chapter 4 hit and it just got profoundly sad. I don't really think continuing to read will give me any new revelations about the work.

I don't see love being practiced by any of the characters, they do not love each other. What I do see is abundant toxicity and a sort of caring that is fake.

MC is treated like a sex object instead of a human, a sad reality for many women in that industry. And outside the industry for that matter, modern relationships have been desecrated.

This type of wish fulfilment story is practiced by those who are broken. The worst part is that they don't realize it or have become so delusional that they don't care.

This type of work does not uplift anybody, nor does it encourage readers to do good. It cannot possibly be good for the soul of the one writing it.

Overall, my rating of your story is: Purge Necessary
I refuse to give you a one-star, because I do not wish to encourage this Toxic behavior.
Please delete your story now, thank you.

I pray that you repent of your ways and follow they ways of the most holy God, which are good and healthy to be practiced. May his precepts be written upon your heart so that you do not sin against Him. Amen.

​

 

[Anon2024]

Epic.

 

[HelloHound]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I've been on a bit of a hiatus since I moved cross country so I'm trying to get back in the groove of things and figured throwing my story at feedback providers will help with that; thanks for any feedback you deem fit to share

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Err...it's my first time doing this in a long while, but I'd like to know a dragon lord's opinion of my work.

This is the first volume of my main (and long series, at 16 volumes). If I may request, can you send your feedback in PM? Thanks!

The Human Saint is Bored, so I was Summoned to Another World Vol. 1

A man wakes up one day in another world, summoned by a girl who claims she’s a ‘Great Saint’—all because of boredom. Nicknamed ‘Kuro’, he soon discovers he’s not the typical isekai protagonist: ...

www.honeyfeed.fm

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Err...it's my first time doing this in a long while, but I'd like to know a dragon lord's opinion of my work.

This is the first volume of my main (and long series, at 16 volumes). If I may request, can you send your feedback in PM? Thanks!

The Human Saint is Bored, so I was Summoned to Another World Vol. 1

A man wakes up one day in another world, summoned by a girl who claims she’s a ‘Great Saint’—all because of boredom. Nicknamed ‘Kuro’, he soon discovers he’s not the typical isekai protagonist: ...

www.honeyfeed.fm

Ok sure, since you asked I'll pm it to you and not post it here.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

​

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of

First paragraph: I'm already thinking of the antagonist from S2 of One Punch Man, Garou. I love that show.

Overall, my ranking for your story is:

Amen.

​

Ok sure, since you asked I'll pm it to you and not post it here.

Thanks a lot!

@Prince_Azmiran_Myrian oh and before you start reading it, the genres are:

Harem, isekai.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I think the only way to make it 100% clear I'm not your alt is for you to give an honest review of this:

The Minor Villain Will Stay Relevant!

I've always found the minor antagonists interesting in the stories I've read. These characters found themselves getting ahead of the competition through their status and wealth, resulting in a great boost in strength among their peers. In an ironic twist of fate that same wealth and status that...

www.scribblehub.com

​

Thank you for submitting to my Incorruptible All Powerful Wonderful Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 11 Detention Ultimatum
I stopped because I want to review other story requests.

First paragraph: I'm already thinking of the antagonist from S2 of One Punch Man, Garou. I love that show. So it turns out he's nothing like that character but the backstory reminded me of Garou.

First few chapters are pretty much info dumps and a chore to read. Thanks for that. They don't flow very well. I liked chapter 0 more than chapter 1, because at least there was characterization and a series of events.

Chapter 3 is where I saw a considerable jump in my enjoyment. From here on it's good.

I appreciate your humor.

The way you portray his soul absorbing is both good and bad. You show some changes in personality but at the same time... for some reason I don't feel the urgency despite mc repeatedly saying its urgent.
Hmm. Idk how to fix this. In hindsight it makes sense but in the moment i wasn't feeling it.
I like how he calls him brother, instead of squire.

Beyond that there is a lot that i like about the spirit of your story. Despite some vulgarity and the MC being a vindictive-arrogant-jerk, underneath the surface I detect something more wholesome. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like you know what you're doing. There's definitely some sort of good heart in it.

Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. The motivations and personality of MC is toxic on the surface. While I do not think you as an author are the same way.

Anyways, I enjoy reading this more than I expected at first, and will add it to my reading list. Which means I'll probably never read it again, but at least it'll be there.

Overall, my ranking for your story is: Questionable
Despite enjoying it, I have a hard time ranking it higher due to the explicit theme of petty villainy.
See? You're totally not my alt account.

Edit: With Top Secret Arcane knowledge revealed I will re-rate this story as: Treasure

I pray that you find humility towards God, for He is not a respecter of persons. May you repent and forgive others, for you have also been forgiven freely by faith in Jesus Christ. Amen.

​

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Welcome to my Lair
My ordained drakes give you hospitality.


Here, I will judge you.
​

Things you should know before you submit:

Spoiler: Things to Know

• I am not a good author
• I dislike reading
• It may take time for me to give you feedback, I am a slow reader.
• I currently only use a mobile phone
• Your story must be on scribblehub
• For now, I have no other restrictions on stories I'll accept
• Don't take my feedback too seriously.

I am doing this to procrastinate writing my own story and to perhaps get some ideas or inspiration while getting better at writing myself.

Rating system

Spoiler: My Ratings

Treasure - This is going in my Hoard
Well Done - Good to consume
Questionable -is questionable, caution should be exercised.
Intrusive Thoughts - Warning, may tempt readers into bad behavior
Toxic -Dangerous to consume, bad for the soul
Purge Necessary - I need to send an ordained drake to purge you of iniquity

My main concern with doing these reviews is the spirit of the story I am reading. I may be able to spot some writing issues but my primary Very True Biased Prideful Dragon Judgement will more focus on the ideas I see in the story and the spirit behind them.
Or at least, that is what I hope to focus on, I am not-experienced in this.

Procedure

Spoiler: Procedure

1. YOU submit a link to your story, I cannot see your signature.
2. I will read as far as I wish. Understand this may take some time as I dislike reading. In the order of link received.
3. I will post a reply here on this thread with my review. This may or may not be helpful for you.
4. Leave knowing the you have been lovingly judged. (You may reply to my review don't worry)

...
I thank you for submitting the work you have taken time to put your heart and soul into for my humble-proud judgement.

I shall end with a prayer for you and I:

May our minds be willing, our hearts softened, our ways made right in the sight of God.
Seeking Christ, for he is the creator of us all, having written all things and justified us to the father, that we may inherit the kingdom of heaven.
May we repent of our ways, and follow His ways which are perfect and excellent.
May we be humble before God, the greatest author in existence. Amen.

​

I look forward to seeing any feedback you have for mine (if you decide to read it, and I would bet 20 bucks you won't after checking out my tags). After seeing your reaction to K5Rakitan's book, I am even more deeply interested in your reaction to mine.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 113259]

​

Spoiler: Feedback

Thank you for submitting to my Incorruptible All Powerful Wonderful Dragon Judgement
I read to the end of Chapter 11 Detention Ultimatum
I stopped because I want to review other story requests.

First paragraph: I'm already thinking of the antagonist from S2 of One Punch Man, Garou. I love that show. So it turns out he's nothing like that character but the backstory reminded me of Garou.

First few chapters are pretty much info dumps and a chore to read. Thanks for that. They don't flow very well. I liked chapter 0 more than chapter 1, because at least there was characterization and a series of events.

Chapter 3 is where I saw a considerable jump in my enjoyment. From here on it's good.

I appreciate your humor.

The way you portray his soul absorbing is both good and bad. You show some changes in personality but at the same time... for some reason I don't feel the urgency despite mc repeatedly saying its urgent.
Hmm. Idk how to fix this. In hindsight it makes sense but in the moment i wasn't feeling it.
I like how he calls him brother, instead of squire.

Beyond that there is a lot that i like about the spirit of your story. Despite some vulgarity and the MC being a vindictive-arrogant-jerk, underneath the surface I detect something more wholesome. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like you know what you're doing. There's definitely some sort of good heart in it.

Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. The motivations and personality of MC is toxic on the surface. While I do not think you as an author are the same way.

Anyways, I enjoy reading this more than I expected at first, and will add it to my reading list. Which means I'll probably never read it again, but at least it'll be there.

Overall, my ranking for your story is: Questionable
Despite enjoying it, I have a hard time ranking it higher due to the explicit theme of petty villainy.
See? You're totally not my alt account.

I pray that you find humility towards God, for He is not a respecter of persons. May you repent and forgive others, for you have also been forgiven freely by faith in Jesus Christ. Amen.

​

Found the proof, nice.

Spoiler

But yeah Scott's relationship with God, and how it eventually will form him into a better person will be a big theme in the series. As it is now only the foundation is there and Scott's belief is shallow. Scott gets mad when others are sacrilegious but is still sinful without repenting himself. This is intended to be a very long series so Scott hasn't really started character development just yet.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I look forward to seeing any feedback you have for mine (if you decide to read it, and I would bet 20 bucks you won't after checking out my tags). After seeing your reaction to K5Rakitan's book, I am even more deeply interested in your reaction to mine.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

I'll give it a try, but theres quite a few others in front of you in the queue.

Found the proof, nice.

Spoiler

But yeah Scott's relationship with God, and how it eventually will form him into a better person will be a big theme in the series. As it is now only the foundation is there and Scott's belief is shallow. Scott gets mad when others are sacrilegious but is still sinful without repenting himself. This is intended to be a very long series so Scott hasn't really started character development just yet.

With this knowledge I will would categorize it as a Treasure
Fitting, as I did add it to my hoard.