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Owl Who Reads · Hoot Hoot
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Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2 – Unknown World

I want to say a lot, but I'm not sure how to properly explain it. Descriptions are bad, exposition is bad, dialogues are bad, and characters aren't acting like humans. But the main points are that there is no story, and it is disjointed. Everything is disjointed and thrown together without any care for what you wrote before

Why there is no story? Because info dumps take the majority of your word count.

Through Feick's explanations,
Feick commented on the moons


Instead of actually explaining things through interaction and building the characters, you info dump via third-person POV. Not only that, in chapter two you info dump using both third-person POV and Feick's POV. There is an explanation, after an explanation of what is what. And tiny little bits of everything else. I can't consider this a story or proper storytelling.

Why is it disjointed?
This is probably because the contaminants are easy targets, You are using a third-person POV. You are info dumping, why are you using "probably"? It doesn't make any sense, and this is a single example.

Another one.
"I... I... don't know," he says, confused, holding his head in panic.
"Okay!" Cain says happily.


This is a fantasy, suspend your disbelief, don't self-insert, and blah-blah. This doesn't work like that. A young boy ends up who knows where, PISSES himself, and proceeds to hold his head in panic, but once a random man says he will tell him about the place, he replies HAPPILY.
To make this clear, this wouldn't have been such a problem if you explained why he feels happy. If you connected your scenes properly. If you explained what happens inside of his head to at least try to persuade me, I would've suspended my disbelief. Here, you don't concentrate on anything.

To elaborate even further.

The boy nods silently and gets dressed.

The boy's fears are confirmed as he makes various conclusions about the man in front of him and ends up wetting himself.


There are no further mentions of him pissing himself. This isn't brought up at all. Boy gets dressed, ends up pissing himself, and probably needs to change the clothes. What do we get?

The man sighs again and confidently states, "I didn't kill them; they just died of the plague. It's commonplace in these lands."No comments about the clothes. This Feick could've said that he doesn't have a spare, he could've found a spare and addressed the issue that happened before his eyes. But instead of descriptions of actual human interactions I get this. After reassuring the boy and using logic, the boy finally calms down.

Lastly, to address this issue from a different standpoint.
He tosses the clothes onto the boy's lap, and the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. It is then that he realizes he is naked. This wasn't fixed on RR btw.

Anyway, this is the end of my feedback. I can't explain what is wrong properly. I wrote above the best I can do. As I said, there is simply no story. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.
Thanks. Now I know I definitely gotta go back and fix what I wrote. If possible, could you read one of the more recent chapters, I feel like I've come a long way and I wish to know if I have indeed improved. Thank you again for the feedback, I will start revisions soon.
 

SailusGebel

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Thanks. Now I know I definitely gotta go back and fix what I wrote. If possible, could you read one of the more recent chapters, I feel like I've come a long way and I wish to know if I have indeed improved. Thank you again for the feedback, I will start revisions soon.
Before you do any revisions look for other feedback since I can be wrong. As for reading recent chapters, I don't think this will work. I will be way too confused with what is happening. To form a proper opinion about things I've mentioned in the feedback, I have to understand who is who, and what is what.
 

AdOtherwise

Owl Who Reads · Hoot Hoot
Joined
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Messages
84
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Before you do any revisions look for other feedback since I can be wrong. As for reading recent chapters, I don't think this will work. I will be way too confused with what is happening. To form a proper opinion about things I've mentioned in the feedback, I have to understand who is who, and what is what.
True, but I think your feedback is pretty on point. I really just dove into writing without really thinking and only started changing how I wrote around chapter 30 or so.

Even now I still have a problem with info dumping, I'm always looking to improve and and have been thinking about revising for some time. I am trying to see what others think so Im more so collecting a list of everything I need to improve.
Before you do any revisions look for other feedback since I can be wrong. As for reading recent chapters, I don't think this will work. I will be way too confused with what is happening. To form a proper opinion about things I've mentioned in the feedback, I have to understand who is who, and what is what.
Thank you again for reviewing my work :)
 

AdOtherwise

Owl Who Reads · Hoot Hoot
Joined
Apr 8, 2023
Messages
84
Points
33
Before you do any revisions look for other feedback since I can be wrong. As for reading recent chapters, I don't think this will work. I will be way too confused with what is happening. To form a proper opinion about things I've mentioned in the feedback, I have to understand who is who, and what is what.
Just so you know I have just revised my first chapter, I went to read it after your feedback and you were right...everything was terrible. Alas I don't think I fixed the info dumping all to much but I tried to reduce it as much as possible.

Let me know what you think about the Revision next chance you get.
 
Last edited:

SailusGebel

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Just so you know I have just revised my first chapter, I went to read it after your feedback and you were right...everything was terrible. Alas I don't think I fixed the info dumping all to much but I tried to reduce it as much as possible.

Let me know what you think about the Revision next chance you get.
He brought his wheelbarrow to a plot of clear land and started digging. A few feet away, a wormhole opens, and a boy with confusion written all over his face plops out. Tense problem.

The boy's eyes darted around him, struggling to take it all in. Frog-like creatures eyed Cain from muddy pools. Didn't introduce MC so using his name now is weird.

Returning to the boy his tone shifted to compassion,
Weird phrase.

Tossing the clothes onto the boy's lap, the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up.
Tense problem.

Tossing the clothes onto the boy's lap, the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. It is then that he realizes he was naked. He silently nodded to the man and got dressed. Didn't split the actions of two different characters.

While doing this, the man chuckles and adds, Tense problem.

After reassuring the boy and using logic to explain that he was a gravedigger, the boy finally calms down. This wasn't fixed.

After some thinking and bread scratching, Feick found what he should name the boy, "Let's call you Cain! It's nice and short isn't it?"
After some thought, Feick suggested, "Let's call you Cain - nice and short."
Bruh. Even if I ignore the fact you forgot to delete the old line and think of it as a typo, Feick gives name to a character that already has name. You use Cain before in a third-person POV.

Frog-like creatures eyed Cain from muddy pools. This line is used in the beginning.
Fast forward a little bit and you write this. "Let's call you Cain! It's nice and short isn't it?" Bruh.

"Okay!"
Cain says happily, liking his name. It wasn't like he had a choice, he would die without this man's help.
This wasn't fixed.

Feicked explained things as he watched Cain work. Self-explanatory.

The boy was as curious as they came so Feick held nothing back, "
As (something) as they come" is an idiom. You don't change the tense of "come".

Feicked explained things as he watched Cain work.
This wasn't fixed.

"So this Contaminated stuff..." Cain hesitated, unsure how much he wanted to reveal. "You're saying This wasn't fixed.

Dunno. Nothing was fixed but you added a couple new problems. You can see examples of new problems mixed with some old ones above. The most prominent one is your tenses keep shifting. You simply paraphrased a couple things and changed tenses. Did you use an AI or something?

 

LKrahn

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Okay, we all know the drill, right? RIGHT!? The glorious comeback of reviewer you will never forget(🦕), the ass ripper, the one who bashes newbies, the man, the myth, the legend. Based silusgimbel :blob_shade:.

All jokes aside, I have some free time on my hands and I don't see enough operating feedback threads. With M.G.Driver missing, Story_Marc and TheTrinary being busy with vids and their respective jobs, someone has to provide the feedback for newbies.

Important note, my feedback differs from other feedback threads. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author. I will give fair, but SUBJECTIVE feedback, and I will be blunt and harsh. Although I'm a lot tamer than I used to be, I will say whatever I think, without sugarcoating my thoughts.

The rules are simple.
1. You post a link to your story.
2. You state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM. If you don't specify where do you want your feedback, I will post it in this thread.
3. I read your story. After I read as much as I can(I won't force myself to read more than I want), I will reply to you.
4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
I'd love to know what you think of my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/852534/saga-of-a-new-world-book--dawn-of-the-new-world/ You can post your feed back here, or wherever
 

SailusGebel

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Messages
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I'd love to know what you think of my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/852534/saga-of-a-new-world-book--dawn-of-the-new-world/ You can post your feed back here, or wherever
Bruh. Your novel will rest in peace. ☠️

I will give you feedback in a few days, but before I do it, here's a friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.
 

AdOtherwise

Owl Who Reads · Hoot Hoot
Joined
Apr 8, 2023
Messages
84
Points
33
He brought his wheelbarrow to a plot of clear land and started digging. A few feet away, a wormhole opens, and a boy with confusion written all over his face plops out. Tense problem.

The boy's eyes darted around him, struggling to take it all in. Frog-like creatures eyed Cain from muddy pools. Didn't introduce MC so using his name now is weird.

Returning to the boy his tone shifted to compassion, Weird phrase.

Tossing the clothes onto the boy's lap, the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. Tense problem.

Tossing the clothes onto the boy's lap, the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. It is then that he realizes he was naked. He silently nodded to the man and got dressed. Didn't split the actions of two different characters.

While doing this, the man chuckles and adds, Tense problem.

After reassuring the boy and using logic to explain that he was a gravedigger, the boy finally calms down. This wasn't fixed.

After some thinking and bread scratching, Feick found what he should name the boy, "Let's call you Cain! It's nice and short isn't it?"
After some thought, Feick suggested, "Let's call you Cain - nice and short."
Bruh. Even if I ignore the fact you forgot to delete the old line and think of it as a typo, Feick gives name to a character that already has name. You use Cain before in a third-person POV.

Frog-like creatures eyed Cain from muddy pools. This line is used in the beginning.
Fast forward a little bit and you write this. "Let's call you Cain! It's nice and short isn't it?" Bruh.

"Okay!"
Cain says happily, liking his name. It wasn't like he had a choice, he would die without this man's help.
This wasn't fixed.

Feicked explained things as he watched Cain work. Self-explanatory.

The boy was as curious as they came so Feick held nothing back, "As (something) as they come" is an idiom. You don't change the tense of "come".

Feicked explained things as he watched Cain work. This wasn't fixed.

"So this Contaminated stuff..." Cain hesitated, unsure how much he wanted to reveal. "You're saying This wasn't fixed.

Dunno. Nothing was fixed but you added a couple new problems. You can see examples of new problems mixed with some old ones above. The most prominent one is your tenses keep shifting. You simply paraphrased a couple things and changed tenses. Did you use an AI or something?
First, thank you so much for pointing out all my errors! You're the best!

To explain, I used AI to fix grammar and typos but that only changed 3 words so then I just decided to try and fix it myself before continuing. After going through it manually I had the AI check it and give me suggestions on what to fix, most of which were things that added stuff and not really grammar-related.

The AI just kept giving me stuff to change and for some things I made it give me literal examples, one of which was the line with that frog, funnily enough, the reason for the frog line having Cain in it was that I first put it near the end but I thought it would be best to describe the animals and the setting earlier so I put it near the beginning but forgot his name was still on the line.

I also just spammed accept on Grammarly suggestions after finishing everything which was stupid but it was like 1 in the morning and I was tired.

Again, thank you so much for helping me out. You're the best!
 

SailusGebel

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I'd love to know what you think of my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/852534/saga-of-a-new-world-book--dawn-of-the-new-world/ You can post your feed back here, or wherever
I won't be able to tell you what I think of your book for two reasons. First, your book is finished. I saw no mistakes in the first chapter, but even if I did, I doubt anything would change since the book is finished. Second, it's not my cup of tea, so I won't read past chapter 1.

The thing that I can and will say, if you keep uploading full novels on SH or similar sites, no one will read them. Web novels don't work like that. You have to update continuously and consistently so that readers will notice your work. You might think it doesn't matter, but with the current approach, you won't get any attention at all. You might think you are okay with getting as few as 10 views, but even that will become a luxury.
 

fantasyretreat

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Hi,
New author here. I'd like to get a feedback on my story - if I'm not late to the party.
 

SailusGebel

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Hi,
New author here. I'd like to get a feedback on my story - if I'm not late to the party.
Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished chapter 2. Slum Rats

I'll be honest, I have nothing to say. Your novel is a solid 3.5 stars. It's not the best writing, but it's good. There are no major problems that sometimes appear in the beginning. More or less easy to read, and easy to comprehend. I didn't notice a lot of mistakes, didn't notice typos or repetitions. Paragraphing is okay, there was no info dumps. Dialogues are okay.

The main problem here is that your story is not my cup of tea. Which means I have zero intentions to read further. And since I read so little, I obviously can't talk about characters, plot, worldbuilding, and so on. I think the best course of action here would be for you to ask me questions that interest you. Maybe that way I will be able to help you.
 

fantasyretreat

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Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished chapter 2. Slum Rats

I'll be honest, I have nothing to say. Your novel is a solid 3.5 stars. It's not the best writing, but it's good. There are no major problems that sometimes appear in the beginning. More or less easy to read, and easy to comprehend. I didn't notice a lot of mistakes, didn't notice typos or repetitions. Paragraphing is okay, there was no info dumps. Dialogues are okay.

The main problem here is that your story is not my cup of tea. Which means I have zero intentions to read further. And since I read so little, I obviously can't talk about characters, plot, worldbuilding, and so on. I think the best course of action here would be for you to ask me questions that interest you. Maybe that way I will be able to help you.
Thanks a lot for the feedback. Can you tell me what you felt the pacing was like? And was it difficult to follow the story and the characters introduced in the first chapter - that is their conversation?
 

SailusGebel

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Thanks a lot for the feedback. Can you tell me what you felt the pacing was like? And was it difficult to follow the story and the characters introduced in the first chapter - that is their conversation?
Both are not the best, but good. I struggle to think of a way to improve it. To make you understand something, I haven't rated a single story in two feedback threads higher than 4 stars. Yours is 3.5 stars. That's what I mean by good, but not the best, as the best stories were 4 stars.

The only thing I can think of doing is to split a couple(literally 2, at most 3) of long paragraphs. Without doing any major rewrites. Do a slight touch-up in a place where you split it, and that's it. But this is more of a nitpicking and my personal preferences.
 

fantasyretreat

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Both are not the best, but good. I struggle to think of a way to improve it. To make you understand something, I haven't rated a single story in two feedback threads higher than 4 stars. Yours is 3.5 stars. That's what I mean by good, but not the best, as the best stories were 4 stars.

The only thing I can think of doing is to split a couple(literally 2, at most 3) of long paragraphs. Without doing any major rewrites. Do a slight touch-up in a place where you split it, and that's it. But this is more of a nitpicking and my personal preferences.
Thanks a lot. I really appreciate. I did do a little touch up before seeing your response. I'll keep working on it.
 

EtherealPhonic

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Heya, first time posting on here and would love some feedback! you can just reply to me here. Thanks!

 

SailusGebel

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Heya, first time posting on here and would love some feedback! you can just reply to me here. Thanks!

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. Current last chapter is Ohana

First of all, you should properly tag your novel as fanfiction, and it's against the law to monetize fanfiction. Yes, I'm talking about Patreon and other similar services.

Before I start with the feedback, here is some friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel. Another advice. If your chapters are on a shorter side, you should release them more often. I know it might be hard for you to write a lot, so I'm not saying you HAVE to do it. I simply share my knowledge. As a general rule of thumb, readers tend to ignore stories with short chapters if an author doesn't release at least three chapters a week. Short chapters are chapters that have less than 1900-2000 words.

Now, let me talk about your synopsis. It's bad. It lacks details and a hook. Sure, some people might like it. However, you are uploading your novel to a site that hosts web novels, so people expect something else. It shouldn't be long, but the current one is way too short and doesn't tell anything. So, a reader(in this case it's me) doesn't know what to expect.

And with all of that out of the way, I can finally start my feedback. And it will be pretty short since there is a major mistake.

Paragraphing. You don't split actions and dialogue lines of different people, different POVs into different paragraphs. I won't copy all of this paragraph, but I think you can understand what I mean if I show a small piece.

“How did you even come up with a spell like that?” The older of the two asked with a puzzled look. He had brown hair, with green highlights on the tips. “Why? Are you jealous of my creativity?” The younger of the two

This is a huge mistake that makes it hard to read, but most importantly, hard to understand what you wrote. All of the first chapter is like this. It's not okay.

Another major downside, (though I can't say it's a mistake) is the lack of variety in how you write. She said, he said, she acted, he acted, he walked, she walked, and so on. Apart from using names, there are multiple ways to address someone and add to the story. The way things are right now looks like a battle log from an RPG game. Dry, no details.

The fact that this chapter consists mostly of dialogue isn't a downside per se, but if you combine it with the previous factors it becomes unbearable to read.

And that's the end of my feedback. It's hard for me to focus on anything else in your novel since most of my attention and mental capacity was spent on trying to split the paragraphs in my head to try and understand who is who. And there is obviously no way I can judge characters or plot since there are only 1300 words of the story, and it is fanfiction.

Anyway, that's it. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.
 

soomuu

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Sep 2, 2023
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Hello,

Would love some critique on my story, Reverberation
People seem to find it boring and not engaging, so please shed some light on that as a reader. :)

Thanks!
 
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