Free feedback thread.

[Sebas_Guzman]

Thank you for telling me this.

I've got you, brah

 

[SailusGebel]

Both Sides of a Side Villain (Old)

I was playing my favorite game when a truck came flying through my window. I was reincarnated into the world of Leafbound Online but at the cost of Possessing Micah Morningstar, the villain of the first chapter in the process of hunting an elf. Whatever I do I need to...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm sorry, but I can't give you any feedback. Your story has too many mistakes. Both your grammar and storytelling are in very bad shape.
Most solely played online, but I was always a fan of the story shown in the campaign.
Seeing Micah was perfectly fine, pissed off, and seems like a threat the elf retreated.
For example, the above sentences are completely incomprehensible.

Demons were also still villains alongside evil spirits, dragons, and Hell giants. but none of them were the main threat the story was focusing on. Here you have a random capitalization, you didn't capitalize a new sentence, and you wrote a weird and incomprehensible phrase. And there are A LOT more mistakes.

As for your storytelling, yeah-yeah, it's a comedy, it's not serious, and blah-blah. Even if it's the most absurd comedy, you're simply beyond a readability threshold. I can't even explain why, as I don't know all the proper terminology. If you want to improve and need help, ask TheTrinary or Story_Marc for help in their respective threads. I'm not qualified\skilled enough to help you, sorry.

 

[Anon2024]

Plastic pizza

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

 

[Deleted member 113259]

I'm sorry, but I can't give you any feedback. Your story has too many mistakes. Both your grammar and storytelling are in very bad shape.
Most solely played online, but I was always a fan of the story shown in the campaign.
Seeing Micah was perfectly fine, pissed off, and seems like a threat the elf retreated.
For example, the above sentences are completely incomprehensible.

Demons were also still villains alongside evil spirits, dragons, and Hell giants. but none of them were the main threat the story was focusing on. Here you have a random capitalization, you didn't capitalize a new sentence, and you wrote a weird and incomprehensible phrase. And there are A LOT more mistakes.

As for your storytelling, yeah-yeah, it's a comedy, it's not serious, and blah-blah. Even if it's the most absurd comedy, you're simply beyond a readability threshold. I can't even explain why, as I don't know all the proper terminology. If you want to improve and need help, ask TheTrinary or Story_Marc for help in their respective threads. I'm not qualified\skilled enough to help you, sorry.

I don't see how the first example is incomprehensible, but damn, Grammarly screwed me over on that second sentence when editing. My mistake for not proofreading enough. Well, thanks for taking the time anyway.

 

[SailusGebel]

Follow the biscuit crumbs to find my story, aka click on the first story in my signature. Schwarz Der Wille zur Macht. That is the right one. The other has Yuri subplot. Then you are wrong.

Standard procedure, I guess.

Also, I have stabby knife.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Arc I Chapter 2.

I won't go through the standard procedure, as there isn't a lot that I can say. I will start with the ending. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, and here's a catch. If I were to follow my own set of standards and judge your story based on them, I should give you 4 stars. But I really want to give you 3.75.

I really, really, reaaaallyyyyy don't like the way you write, your prose. I can understand everything, the dialogues are nice, the vocabulary isn't too hard or repetitive, and it's easy to comprehend. Everything is cool, but it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too flowery for me. I just can't stand it, sorry. I should've read more, but I can't force myself. It's not my cup of tea at all. And you even use double space between the paragraphs. I obviously don't deduct points for this, but god, I fucking hate it.

Elaborating a bit further on your prose. Usually, when I read novels to give feedback, I have a certain understanding or a hunch about where and how to rewrite things. When I read yours, my mind was blank. I can't think of a way to improve it in any way without ruining everything and changing your style. So, in this aspect, your novel is completely unique.

Though I've noticed two things that distracted me from reading. Do tell me if this is on me or not.
Death was already prepared to claim his share, albeit prematurely. Death has already prepared? Or am I wrong here?
His steel blue eyes glimmered with a sense of anticipation satisfaction, Did you forget a comma here?

As for the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on, I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

And that's it. I'm sorry for making it so short, but I can't force myself to read more. You can think of this as a small revenge for avoiding my rules and not posting the link.

I don't see how the first example is incomprehensible, but damn, Grammarly screwed me over on that second sentence when editing. My mistake for not proofreading enough. Well, thanks for taking the time anyway.

Sorry for doing this, but I simply don't know how to properly explain my points. For example your narrator. You use a first-person POV, yet your narrator is all over the place. Even though it's comedy there is simply no storytelling here. It's just a hodge-podge. He tells one thing and then jumps to another, there are no emotions behind his words, and I mean no emotions in a bad way. You mess up tenses, and it's all interconnected, and I don't even know what to say or how to start.

As for being incomprehensible. Well, this is subjective feedback, and English is my second language. I've said it all in my first post, along with the rules. I didn't understand that sentence. If you think I'm wrong, you are free to dismiss my opinion. I'm not an editor, critic, or reviewer. I'm here to give you another perspective, a reader's perspective.

 

[Anon2024]

Kayla

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Arc I Chapter 2.

I won't go through the standard procedure, as there isn't a lot that I can say. I will start with the ending. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, and here's a catch. If I were to follow my own set of standards and judge your story based on them, I should give you 4 stars. But I really want to give you 3.75.

I really, really, reaaaallyyyyy don't like the way you write, your prose. I can understand everything, the dialogues are nice, the vocabulary isn't too hard or repetitive, and it's easy to comprehend. Everything is cool, but it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too flowery for me. I just can't stand it, sorry. I should've read more, but I can't force myself. It's not my cup of tea at all. And you even use double space between the paragraphs. I obviously don't deduct points for this, but god, I fucking hate it.

Elaborating a bit further on your prose. Usually, when I read novels to give feedback, I have a certain understanding or a hunch about where and how to rewrite things. When I read yours, my mind was blank. I can't think of a way to improve it in any way without ruining everything and changing your style. So, in this aspect, your novel is completely unique.

Though I've noticed two things that distracted me from reading. Do tell me if this is on me or not.
Death was already prepared to claim his share, albeit prematurely. Death has already prepared? Or am I wrong here?
His steel blue eyes glimmered with a sense of anticipation satisfaction, Did you forget a comma here?

As for the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on, I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

And that's it. I'm sorry for making it so short, but I can't force myself to read more. You can think of this as a small revenge for avoiding my rules and not posting the link.

Sorry for doing this, but I simply don't know how to properly explain my points. For example your narrator. You use a first-person POV, yet your narrator is all over the place. Even though it's comedy there is simply no storytelling here. It's just a hodge-podge. He tells one thing and then jumps to another, there are no emotions behind his words, and I mean no emotions in a bad way. You mess up tenses, and it's all interconnected, and I don't even know what to say or how to start.

As for being incomprehensible. Well, this is subjective feedback, and English is my second language. I've said it all in my first post, along with the rules. I didn't understand that sentence. If you think I'm wrong, you are free to dismiss my opinion. I'm not an editor, critic, or reviewer. I'm here to give you another perspective, a reader's perspective.

I would lie If I said I am not disappointed. At least, you found nothing.

As for the rest,

Death was already prepared to claim his share, albeit prematurely.

"has prepared" makes no sense. Prepared is here used as an adjective and not as a verb. He is in a state of being prepared and not of preparing himself. Furthermore, you would break the sequences of tenses. Has prepared? That is present perfect. You can't use that when the narrative tense is in the past.

His steel blue eyes glimmered with a sense of anticipation satisfaction

Yes, comma forgotten. Happens.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Arc I Chapter 2.

I won't go through the standard procedure, as there isn't a lot that I can say. I will start with the ending. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, and here's a catch. If I were to follow my own set of standards and judge your story based on them, I should give you 4 stars. But I really want to give you 3.75.

I really, really, reaaaallyyyyy don't like the way you write, your prose. I can understand everything, the dialogues are nice, the vocabulary isn't too hard or repetitive, and it's easy to comprehend. Everything is cool, but it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too flowery for me. I just can't stand it, sorry. I should've read more, but I can't force myself. It's not my cup of tea at all. And you even use double space between the paragraphs. I obviously don't deduct points for this, but god, I fucking hate it.

Elaborating a bit further on your prose. Usually, when I read novels to give feedback, I have a certain understanding or a hunch about where and how to rewrite things. When I read yours, my mind was blank. I can't think of a way to improve it in any way without ruining everything and changing your style. So, in this aspect, your novel is completely unique.

Though I've noticed two things that distracted me from reading. Do tell me if this is on me or not.
Death was already prepared to claim his share, albeit prematurely. Death has already prepared? Or am I wrong here?
His steel blue eyes glimmered with a sense of anticipation satisfaction, Did you forget a comma here?

As for the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on, I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

And that's it. I'm sorry for making it so short, but I can't force myself to read more. You can think of this as a small revenge for avoiding my rules and not posting the link.

Sorry for doing this, but I simply don't know how to properly explain my points. For example your narrator. You use a first-person POV, yet your narrator is all over the place. Even though it's comedy there is simply no storytelling here. It's just a hodge-podge. He tells one thing and then jumps to another, there are no emotions behind his words, and I mean no emotions in a bad way. You mess up tenses, and it's all interconnected, and I don't even know what to say or how to start.

As for being incomprehensible. Well, this is subjective feedback, and English is my second language. I've said it all in my first post, along with the rules. I didn't understand that sentence. If you think I'm wrong, you are free to dismiss my opinion. I'm not an editor, critic, or reviewer. I'm here to give you another perspective, a reader's perspective.

Also, I write High fantasy. So, of course, I write like this. What did you expect? Street jargon?

 

[SailusGebel]

Death was already prepared to claim his share, albeit prematurely.

"has prepared" makes no sense. Prepared is here used as an adjective and not as a verb. He is in a state of being prepared and not of preparing himself. Furthermore, you would break the sequences of tenses. Has prepared? That is present perfect. You can't use that when the narrative tense is in the past.

SEE! That's what I freaking said!

I can't think of a way to improve it in any way without ruining everything and changing your style.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

SEE! That's what I freaking said!

Elaborate.

 

[SailusGebel]

Elaborate.

I'm not qualified to give advice. Although I noticed a comma, it was really obvious one, a typo. The other 'mistake' was a mistake on my side, not yours. That's why I said I can't comment on your writing. It's way too different compared to what I usually read, and your knowledge of English is on a higher level than mine. Even if I force myself to read more, I'm sure I won't find anything bad.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

I'm not qualified to give advice. Although I noticed a comma, it was really obvious one, a typo. The other 'mistake' was a mistake on my side, not yours. That's why I said I can't comment on your writing. It's way too different compared to what I usually read, and your knowledge of English is on a higher level than mine. Even if I force myself to read more, I'm sure I won't find anything bad.

Ah, In that sense. Still, my disappointment is immeasurable.

 

[Deleted member 113259]

I didn't understand that sentence.

He's just saying that the other players played the online mode, while he played the story mode. Upon further reflection, I can just make him say that.

He tells one thing and then jumps to another, there are no emotions behind his words, and I mean no emotions in a bad way. You mess up tenses, and it's all interconnected, and I don't even know what to say or how to start.

Good feedback. Might fix the tense and whatnot later. Though I wanted him to be fairly emotionless. He's cold and manipulative, so can you elaborate on the bad way part?

 

[SailusGebel]

Good feedback. Might fix the tense and whatnot later. Though I wanted him to be fairly emotionless. He's cold and manipulative, so can you elaborate on the bad way part?

I can't. It's not that I don't want to, I really can't. I don't know how to phrase it properly. Really, ask Story_Marc and TheTrinary in their threads. They are MUCH better than me when it comes to writing and helping others.

He's just saying that the other players played the online mode, while he played the story mode.

The thing is, you don't need to explain this to me. You should explain it in the text for other readers. If you think this part isn't clear enough, change it for others. I've already read it, I don't need your explanation. New readers need that explanation.

 

[Five6212]

Do you mind if I ask for feedback: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/764812/ravenswood/

 

[Deleted member 113259]

I can't. It's not that I don't want to, I really can't. I don't know how to phrase it properly. Really, ask Story_Marc and TheTrinary in their threads. They are MUCH better than me when it comes to writing and helping others.

The thing is, you don't need to explain this to me. You should explain it in the text for other readers. If you think this part isn't clear enough, change it for others. I've already read it, I don't need your explanation. New readers need that explanation.

Well, I was explaining to you specifically because you said English isn't your first language. I still believe to most, the sentence is understandable. Though it's not like it matters I'll probably just rewrite the whole thing in third person to fix the tense and connection issues, so that sentence will be deleted anyway.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Well, I was explaining to you specifically because you said English isn't your first language. I still believe to most, the sentence is understandable. Though it's not like it matters I'll probably just rewrite the whole thing in third person to fix the tense and connection issues, so that sentence will be deleted anyway.

It was understandable to me, but not to my wife who is a non-gamer.

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Aight, I have no idea whether that's good or not. On one hand, it seems his nerd speak is effective at showing he's a nerd, on the other, casuals can't read it. Guess I will delete the line on the rewrite.

 

[LordTrillium]

Would be great to get some feedback on this

Echoes of Aetheria

In 'Echoes of Aetheria,' Lila, a woman with a blurry past, wakes up in the mysterious realm of Aetheria with zero memory of how she got there. Led by a voice in her head, she embarks on a risky journey to uncover the secrets of her lost memories and...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

I'm interested in getting a feedback! Doing it here is fine, perhaps it'll help motivate me more to rewrite better story
G.o.D Project
Hope you have a wonderful day!

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1.

Your story isn't my cup of tea, so I have no intention to read past chapter 1. This means I will start by briefly mentioning the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

As for your writing, I like it. Or, to be more precise, I like the direction in which you move with your prose. The biggest problem I have with your writing, when there are a lot of characters in one scene, I can't understand a thing. Yeah, it's 'cool' that MC doesn't have a name and is referred to as she, but it freaking kills, murders the clarity. Your story is already teetering on the verge of being hard to understand. I want you to work on clarity. There are small little mistakes that, in the grand scheme of things, ruin the whole chapter.

As I said above, you introduce multiple female characters; how do you mention\adress them? Besides the names, it's she\her. How do you mention\adress your MC? She\her. Context isn't enough with your prose.

They stood unharmed by the beasts
Even though they are a good hundred meters away from each other by the floor's height alone,
I really hate it when people try to make things mysterious or 'artistic' via pronouns. Write "HE stood unharmed by the beasts" You call him HE in a few paragraphs; why bother writing they? You probably won't change how you address your MC, or how you use pronouns, but I had to say it.

Now I will mention mistakes I've noticed.
The flattened surface of sand and gravel that the sports field cracked as a thick, obsidian pillar rose slowly from its place. Missing comma? Typo?

A loud, bone-chilling explosion rattled the door and window frames. where the gang members Typo.

His face is painted with panic and fear. "Boss, we gotta bail!" WAS painted?

The younger end of the elementary school children was being guided through the backstage door, What does the younger end mean? I don't need an explanation here. I want new readers with the same or lower level of English as mine to understand it without asking you. This probably sounds offensive or rude, but I already had one person here misunderstanding what I was asking for, and I don't know how to phrase it in a more friendly manner.

No matter. It had nothing to do with her. I really dislike how you wrote the highlighted part. It looks VERY out of place.

The force of what she was given was almost too much for her to handle. Too much. Too much, too much too much stop stop stop it had to stop! Same here. Looks completely out of place, it's like you've switched the narrator for a second.

It did not stop until it reached the height of the school building and more, overtaking the five-story floor in mere seconds, bringing shade under the occupied space that it had claimed for itself. It did not stop UNTIL then you don't say when it stopped. Maybe it's me who is wrong here, I don't understand why you would write it this way. Such things genuinely confuse me and distract me from reading. This sentence is very long, it is a part of a relatively large paragraph. So when I see things like this I keep rereading them trying to understand one thing, what did I miss or read wrongly? It ruins the pacing.

It jumped into the air suddenly, avoiding the chair projectile thrown from the fifth floor. This thing is minor, but I think suddenly is redundant here.

Ponyo, whose real name is Chia, opened her mouth in protest. "You can talk?!" Nah, you don't write this. You don't just suddenly call someone by one name and then use NARRATOR to explain what is the character's real name. Nope, no-no. This looks SO out of place that I don't even know what to say or add.

Anyway, I didn't mention every mistake, but there isn't much more in the text. The thing is, in my opinion, the mistakes that I've mentioned are very damaging when combined with your prose.

You know, sometimes you read a story with lots of mistakes, yet you still can understand everything because the prose has almost no fluff to it, and it's straight to the point. Your case is the opposite. Even minor typos or mistakes, even a mildly weird phrase ruin everything because of your prose. So yeah, I would like to see more clarity, especially considering your chapters are 4500 words on average, which is kinda above the norm when it comes to web novels.

The last point about clarity. Yes, I understand that it's chaos everywhere. You want to convey that feeling of chaos, so you wrote like that purposefully. No. Forcing your readers to reread whole paragraphs isn't a good way of conveying how chaos feels.

Now I will mention some good parts so you won't think I'm simply bashing your novel or nitpicking. Dialogues are good. I would prefer more clarity, but apart from that, I like your dialogues. I especially like how you use dialogue tags. Descriptions are nice, and almost always are in the right places. Didn't like your paragraphing at the beginning but later on I changed my mind.

And that's the end. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.25-3.5 stars. Although I mentioned lots of subjective points\mistakes and would like more clarity, it's not as bad as I might've portrayed it. In that sense, I don't think you need to change a lot if you decide to listen to my feedback. A round of very light editing will do. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them. Oh, and sorry for taking so long, was busy with stuff.