Free feedback thread.

[Anon2024]

Police freeze.

 

[RollieOwl]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1.

Thank you for reviewing it anyway despite being busy! I'll keep these suggestions to heart as I'm writing in the future

Police freeze.

I hope you have a wonderful day..?

 

[Anon2024]

I hope you have a wonderful day..?

My posts in this thread are just so Sailus can review the next one without having his post merge, if you had responded earlier before I saw it I wouldn’t have put in the place holder

 

[RollieOwl]

Ah I see!

 

[SailusGebel]

Halu! I'm just gonna add my story on the line up. Tnx!

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/760524-i-met-the-young-male-lead-when-i-was-captured-one-shot/

Your link is broken, can you do something about it?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/763205/journey-to-eden-prime/ . My new series hope you like it.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter 2 : History codex.

Let me dive straight into your writing with this feedback. First and foremost, there are two very objective mistakes that you should fix. Lots of typos and punctuation mistakes.

Examples of typos.
"Hey, Alex! We heard you're the best mechanic in town, I’m Serena and this is Lina. We need your expertise. “One
His statue was getting gazes from many Statue? Maybe stature?
An old starship open garage where the entirety of the sip Ship?
As the starship was secured and toyed Towed?
“Right?” gobo Should be Gobo.

Examples of wrong punctuation.
own dreams. "well you have determination in spades. Didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence.
haven't you? looks like you have been though much huh" Same mistake as above, didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence, plus you didn't use the dot\full stop, PLUS a typo. I have a feeling; it's not though but through.
"Just like me" Alex thought No punctuation marks, a grammar mistake.
captain." he said as he eyed the starship No dot\full stop at the end of a sentence.
"Even if nobody believes I could do it. I will someday" Same as above.
"5000?. Hell no" Excess dot\full stop plus you didn't end a sentence with a dot\full stop or comma.
here. wouldn't you agree?." Excess dot\full stop, plus you didn't capitalize the start.
“No. 5000. Take it or leave it.” The shopkeeper said No dot\full stop at the end of a sentence.

Don't forget that the above are examples, it's not every single punctuation mistake or typo from your text.

The third mistake is somewhat subjective, but it irritates me greatly. Repetitions. You tend to not only repeat words, but also phrases.
Sometimes it's okay. For example, this repetition is okay in my eyes.
With its propulsion unit and hyperdrive not even responding.

The idea of tinkering with a faulty navigation system and propulsion units that would be used on a daring expedition stirred his adventurous spirit.
It's paraphrased enough, and it suits your prose and blah-blah. It looks okay.

But what are these things?
Alex chuckled, grateful for the brief respite from his arduous work.

After a brief moment of respite, Alex

A surge of yearning surged

The junkyard sale was on its full throttle in Dexion city, throbbing with the vibrant energy of the junkyard sale.

The women felt relieved that Alex felt confident. Alex's unique way of engaging with the ship made them a little confident

The box revealed a small, unassuming device that looked like a smaller cube with intricate patterns — I will only explain this once. Why are these types of repetitions bad?
Because this sentence is where you had to use that repetition. Nestled within the small cube was a small indentation, barely visible.

Paraphrase it slightly and change it into; The box revealed a miniature, unassuming device that looked like a tiny cube with intricate patterns —
Nestled within the small cube was an even smaller indentation, barely visible to the eye. In my opinion, this looks much better.

Overall, you like to use flowery prose and words, but you tend to overuse them. You forget something. Using flowery prose will tire your readers, and you can't up the tension by using such words. If you, for example, use mesmerizing all the time instead of beautiful, the thing that you described as beautiful would be counted as less attractive, while describing something as more attractive than mesmerizing in one word will be very impossible.

Another problem with your writing that I found is also subjective. A lot of times, the following sentence doesn't suit the thing you wrote before.
One of the women called out, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. Names were Serena, a calm and compassionate humanoid alien who possessed an uncanny ability to sense and understand the emotions of others, and Lina, a quick-witted and resourceful engineer who never shied away from taking risks to accomplish her goals.

Even if we ignore the fact that those should probably be two different paragraphs, why would you randomly introduce those women out of nowhere? And why would you write it starting with, "Names were"? Of course, I can understand what you mean here, but it reduces the enjoyment I get from reading by a lot.

An alien-looking midget alien with a wiry frame, paced restlessly, his voice laced with impatience. Beads of perspiration trickled down Alex's forehead

You write the sentence that HAS to be followed by a dialogue line, but you end up writing about Alex's forehead. Why would you do it? Why would you describe the voice, and then proceed to forget about the voice and focus on another character, only to end the paragraph with the first character? Gobo's gruff voice sliced through the air,

Alex approached Gobo cautiously, his voice laced with a hint of sarcasm.

With a whistle, he made as Gobo approached. There is so much wrong here. First of all, you probably misplaced the comma. Secondly, who the hell approached whom? Thirdly, HIS VOICE LACED, you should write a dialogue line after that.
Even your synopsis has this weird writing.

In a galaxy filled with wonders and mysteries, Alex, a spirited pilot, embarks on a thrilling journey alongside his robotic companion, C.A.T., to uncover the truth behind Eden Prime, the fabled planet once known as Earth. Driven by a longing to escape his life as an orphan mechanic who worked to the bone every day, Alex seeks adventure and a sense of belonging as he aspires to become a renowned charter and explorer.

Together, they navigate treacherous star systems, encounter diverse alien species,
You briefly mention Alex and CAT, then you elaborate on who is Alex, and then you write the word 'together'. Chief, you forgot to elaborate on who the hell is CAT.

And this is where I can move on to the next problem. Repetitions, but in a grander sense. You repeat small scenes over and over again. The number of times Alex was distracted in the first chapter is enormous. You might want to persuade me that this is how it should be. I would say, hell no. Because every time he got the same thoughts. You simply wasted word count on all the times he sighed while thinking about becoming a pilot. Instead of small repetitions of the same scenes, you should have written and explained to us who he is, why we should care, and so on. If you ever read a Chinese cultivation novel, you probably noticed how Chinese authors sometimes(actually they do it a lot) repeat the same thing twice. You did the same thing here.

Because of those repetitions, your pacing is somewhat off. Your dialogues are either so-so or straight-up bad because of the combination of the above problems.

The good points. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot about the plot, character, and worldbuilding unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems. Also, although I complained a lot, I did understand everything. It's easy to comprehend most of the time. The main problem here is that it's not enjoyable in the slightest.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. I did understand almost everything but it wasn't pleasant at all. And that's the end. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Blank_Thought]

my feelings rather than technicalities

I would highly appreciate that!
link to my story => "The Curse Of Wardoks"

The story has no romance of any kind at all.

I will be blunt and harsh

Yessir!

Thank you in advance!

 

[ManwX]

Your link is broken, can you do something about it?

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter 2 : History codex.

Let me dive straight into your writing with this feedback. First and foremost, there are two very objective mistakes that you should fix. Lots of typos and punctuation mistakes.

Examples of typos.
"Hey, Alex! We heard you're the best mechanic in town, I’m Serena and this is Lina. We need your expertise. “One
His statue was getting gazes from many Statue? Maybe stature?
An old starship open garage where the entirety of the sip Ship?
As the starship was secured and toyed Towed?
“Right?” gobo Should be Gobo.

Examples of wrong punctuation.
own dreams. "well you have determination in spades. Didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence.
haven't you? looks like you have been though much huh" Same mistake as above, didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence, plus you didn't use the dot\full stop, PLUS a typo. I have a feeling; it's not though but through.
"Just like me" Alex thought No punctuation marks, a grammar mistake.
captain." he said as he eyed the starship No dot\full stop at the end of a sentence.
"Even if nobody believes I could do it. I will someday" Same as above.
"5000?. Hell no" Excess dot\full stop plus you didn't end a sentence with a dot\full stop or comma.
here. wouldn't you agree?." Excess dot\full stop, plus you didn't capitalize the start.
“No. 5000. Take it or leave it.” The shopkeeper said No dot\full stop at the end of a sentence.

Don't forget that the above are examples, it's not every single punctuation mistake or typo from your text.

The third mistake is somewhat subjective, but it irritates me greatly. Repetitions. You tend to not only repeat words, but also phrases.
Sometimes it's okay. For example, this repetition is okay in my eyes.
With its propulsion unit and hyperdrive not even responding.

The idea of tinkering with a faulty navigation system and propulsion units that would be used on a daring expedition stirred his adventurous spirit.
It's paraphrased enough, and it suits your prose and blah-blah. It looks okay.

But what are these things?
Alex chuckled, grateful for the brief respite from his arduous work.

After a brief moment of respite, Alex

A surge of yearning surged

The junkyard sale was on its full throttle in Dexion city, throbbing with the vibrant energy of the junkyard sale.

The women felt relieved that Alex felt confident. Alex's unique way of engaging with the ship made them a little confident

The box revealed a small, unassuming device that looked like a smaller cube with intricate patterns — I will only explain this once. Why are these types of repetitions bad?
Because this sentence is where you had to use that repetition. Nestled within the small cube was a small indentation, barely visible.

Paraphrase it slightly and change it into; The box revealed a miniature, unassuming device that looked like a tiny cube with intricate patterns —
Nestled within the small cube was an even smaller indentation, barely visible to the eye. In my opinion, this looks much better.

Overall, you like to use flowery prose and words, but you tend to overuse them. You forget something. Using flowery prose will tire your readers, and you can't up the tension by using such words. If you, for example, use mesmerizing all the time instead of beautiful, the thing that you described as beautiful would be counted as less attractive, while describing something as more attractive than mesmerizing in one word will be very impossible.

Another problem with your writing that I found is also subjective. A lot of times, the following sentence doesn't suit the thing you wrote before.
One of the women called out, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. Names were Serena, a calm and compassionate humanoid alien who possessed an uncanny ability to sense and understand the emotions of others, and Lina, a quick-witted and resourceful engineer who never shied away from taking risks to accomplish her goals.

Even if we ignore the fact that those should probably be two different paragraphs, why would you randomly introduce those women out of nowhere? And why would you write it starting with, "Names were"? Of course, I can understand what you mean here, but it reduces the enjoyment I get from reading by a lot.

An alien-looking midget alien with a wiry frame, paced restlessly, his voice laced with impatience. Beads of perspiration trickled down Alex's forehead

You write the sentence that HAS to be followed by a dialogue line, but you end up writing about Alex's forehead. Why would you do it? Why would you describe the voice, and then proceed to forget about the voice and focus on another character, only to end the paragraph with the first character? Gobo's gruff voice sliced through the air,

Alex approached Gobo cautiously, his voice laced with a hint of sarcasm.

With a whistle, he made as Gobo approached. There is so much wrong here. First of all, you probably misplaced the comma. Secondly, who the hell approached whom? Thirdly, HIS VOICE LACED, you should write a dialogue line after that.
Even your synopsis has this weird writing.

In a galaxy filled with wonders and mysteries, Alex, a spirited pilot, embarks on a thrilling journey alongside his robotic companion, C.A.T., to uncover the truth behind Eden Prime, the fabled planet once known as Earth. Driven by a longing to escape his life as an orphan mechanic who worked to the bone every day, Alex seeks adventure and a sense of belonging as he aspires to become a renowned charter and explorer.

Together, they navigate treacherous star systems, encounter diverse alien species,
You briefly mention Alex and CAT, then you elaborate on who is Alex, and then you write the word 'together'. Chief, you forgot to elaborate on who the hell is CAT.

And this is where I can move on to the next problem. Repetitions, but in a grander sense. You repeat small scenes over and over again. The number of times Alex was distracted in the first chapter is enormous. You might want to persuade me that this is how it should be. I would say, hell no. Because every time he got the same thoughts. You simply wasted word count on all the times he sighed while thinking about becoming a pilot. Instead of small repetitions of the same scenes, you should have written and explained to us who he is, why we should care, and so on. If you ever read a Chinese cultivation novel, you probably noticed how Chinese authors sometimes(actually they do it a lot) repeat the same thing twice. You did the same thing here.

Because of those repetitions, your pacing is somewhat off. Your dialogues are either so-so or straight-up bad because of the combination of the above problems.

The good points. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot about the plot, character, and worldbuilding unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems. Also, although I complained a lot, I did understand everything. It's easy to comprehend most of the time. The main problem here is that it's not enjoyable in the slightest.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. I did understand almost everything but it wasn't pleasant at all. And that's the end. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thank you very much for such a detailed feedback. Definitely need to do a lot of work. Im still learning how to write. Now i have a better understanding of what is wrong. The Reasons given were very informative. I agree on all of the point of contention raised. Man wish i had this feedback in my comments lol.
Thanks sailus.

 

[wutwut]

Your link is broken, can you do something about it?

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter 2 : History codex.

Let me dive straight into your writing with this feedback. First and foremost, there are two very objective mistakes that you should fix. Lots of typos and punctuation mistakes.

Examples of typos.
"Hey, Alex! We heard you're the best mechanic in town, I’m Serena and this is Lina. We need your expertise. “One
His statue was getting gazes from many Statue? Maybe stature?
An old starship open garage where the entirety of the sip Ship?
As the starship was secured and toyed Towed?
“Right?” gobo Should be Gobo.

Examples of wrong punctuation.
own dreams. "well you have determination in spades. Didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence.
haven't you? looks like you have been though much huh" Same mistake as above, didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence, plus you didn't use the dot\full stop, PLUS a typo. I have a feeling; it's not though but through.
"Just like me" Alex thought No punctuation marks, a grammar mistake.
captain." he said as he eyed the starship No dot\full stop at the end of a sentence.
"Even if nobody believes I could do it. I will someday" Same as above.
"5000?. Hell no" Excess dot\full stop plus you didn't end a sentence with a dot\full stop or comma.
here. wouldn't you agree?." Excess dot\full stop, plus you didn't capitalize the start.
“No. 5000. Take it or leave it.” The shopkeeper said No dot\full stop at the end of a sentence.

Don't forget that the above are examples, it's not every single punctuation mistake or typo from your text.

The third mistake is somewhat subjective, but it irritates me greatly. Repetitions. You tend to not only repeat words, but also phrases.
Sometimes it's okay. For example, this repetition is okay in my eyes.
With its propulsion unit and hyperdrive not even responding.

The idea of tinkering with a faulty navigation system and propulsion units that would be used on a daring expedition stirred his adventurous spirit.
It's paraphrased enough, and it suits your prose and blah-blah. It looks okay.

But what are these things?
Alex chuckled, grateful for the brief respite from his arduous work.

After a brief moment of respite, Alex

A surge of yearning surged

The junkyard sale was on its full throttle in Dexion city, throbbing with the vibrant energy of the junkyard sale.

The women felt relieved that Alex felt confident. Alex's unique way of engaging with the ship made them a little confident

The box revealed a small, unassuming device that looked like a smaller cube with intricate patterns — I will only explain this once. Why are these types of repetitions bad?
Because this sentence is where you had to use that repetition. Nestled within the small cube was a small indentation, barely visible.

Paraphrase it slightly and change it into; The box revealed a miniature, unassuming device that looked like a tiny cube with intricate patterns —
Nestled within the small cube was an even smaller indentation, barely visible to the eye. In my opinion, this looks much better.

Overall, you like to use flowery prose and words, but you tend to overuse them. You forget something. Using flowery prose will tire your readers, and you can't up the tension by using such words. If you, for example, use mesmerizing all the time instead of beautiful, the thing that you described as beautiful would be counted as less attractive, while describing something as more attractive than mesmerizing in one word will be very impossible.

Another problem with your writing that I found is also subjective. A lot of times, the following sentence doesn't suit the thing you wrote before.
One of the women called out, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. Names were Serena, a calm and compassionate humanoid alien who possessed an uncanny ability to sense and understand the emotions of others, and Lina, a quick-witted and resourceful engineer who never shied away from taking risks to accomplish her goals.

Even if we ignore the fact that those should probably be two different paragraphs, why would you randomly introduce those women out of nowhere? And why would you write it starting with, "Names were"? Of course, I can understand what you mean here, but it reduces the enjoyment I get from reading by a lot.

An alien-looking midget alien with a wiry frame, paced restlessly, his voice laced with impatience. Beads of perspiration trickled down Alex's forehead

You write the sentence that HAS to be followed by a dialogue line, but you end up writing about Alex's forehead. Why would you do it? Why would you describe the voice, and then proceed to forget about the voice and focus on another character, only to end the paragraph with the first character? Gobo's gruff voice sliced through the air,

Alex approached Gobo cautiously, his voice laced with a hint of sarcasm.

With a whistle, he made as Gobo approached. There is so much wrong here. First of all, you probably misplaced the comma. Secondly, who the hell approached whom? Thirdly, HIS VOICE LACED, you should write a dialogue line after that.
Even your synopsis has this weird writing.

In a galaxy filled with wonders and mysteries, Alex, a spirited pilot, embarks on a thrilling journey alongside his robotic companion, C.A.T., to uncover the truth behind Eden Prime, the fabled planet once known as Earth. Driven by a longing to escape his life as an orphan mechanic who worked to the bone every day, Alex seeks adventure and a sense of belonging as he aspires to become a renowned charter and explorer.

Together, they navigate treacherous star systems, encounter diverse alien species,
You briefly mention Alex and CAT, then you elaborate on who is Alex, and then you write the word 'together'. Chief, you forgot to elaborate on who the hell is CAT.

And this is where I can move on to the next problem. Repetitions, but in a grander sense. You repeat small scenes over and over again. The number of times Alex was distracted in the first chapter is enormous. You might want to persuade me that this is how it should be. I would say, hell no. Because every time he got the same thoughts. You simply wasted word count on all the times he sighed while thinking about becoming a pilot. Instead of small repetitions of the same scenes, you should have written and explained to us who he is, why we should care, and so on. If you ever read a Chinese cultivation novel, you probably noticed how Chinese authors sometimes(actually they do it a lot) repeat the same thing twice. You did the same thing here.

Because of those repetitions, your pacing is somewhat off. Your dialogues are either so-so or straight-up bad because of the combination of the above problems.

The good points. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot about the plot, character, and worldbuilding unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems. Also, although I complained a lot, I did understand everything. It's easy to comprehend most of the time. The main problem here is that it's not enjoyable in the slightest.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. I did understand almost everything but it wasn't pleasant at all. And that's the end. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Here, I prolly did it wrong
I Met the Young Male Lead When I Was Captured

how do I properly insert a book link?

 

[TheUnsuspicious]

Dear Lord, would you kindly grant me a moment of your precious time to peruse my humble story? For I am but a humble and aspiring writer, seeking your esteemed guidance and wisdom.

The Fateful Day

#Murim #Romance #Action On a fateful day, a young boy and a young girl meet somewhere within a forest. Meeting the lost and troubled girl, the boy let her live with him under a wooden house built beside a brilliant cherry tree. Years of harmony passed by and the two...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[BrandonHill]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter 2

Before I start with the feedback, here is some friendly advice. If you will continue to write, use as many tags and genres as possible. This will help A LOT with getting more views. I know some authors don't want to spoil their stories by putting genres and tags. I don't know if you are one of such authors, but if you are, I must tell you the following. With so few tags and genres, you will barely get any views. And it's not about getting hundreds of views instead of thousands; it's about getting ten or twenty views with zero comments. Moreover, if people find certain things or twists in your story that you didn't tag because you were afraid of spoiling things, they might react with a 1-star in retaliation.

Let me say a couple of words about your synopsis. My subjective opinion, I want you to alter it slightly. Right now, your synopsis is very barebones and has nothing to it. Add a bit more. A somewhat objective opinion, I dislike the following sentence. But what should have been a simple recovery turns into a bitter fight for survival as Tyger stumbles across a threat worse than the voracious Blair wildlife ... and the stranded Imperial soldier who has been hunting it. First of all, it's way too long; secondly, I can't understand why you used ellipsis here. Use of ellipsis means you omit stuff. Here it looks like it's either a typo or you missed something.

Now let's talk about the actual story. I will begin with the parts which I can't comment on. Characters and plot. I've read way too little to say anything meaningful here. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

Worldbuilding. This is very subjective, but I think you introduce way too many new terms. It's only the second chapter, but it feels like I should already know every term and name. When it comes to me, such things push me away from reading because I feel as if I'd started reading the novel from the middle rather than the beginning.

With this out of the way, I can talk about your writing, prose, and grammar. I don't like how you write. I think it's not bad, but you are held back by a couple of things; paragraphing, overly long sentences, and weird phrases.

Paragraphing.
He finally asked, not recognizing the sound of his own voice. No sooner than he’d posed the question, he felt a cold cylindrical object pressed into his hand.

“Well, it was so long ago,” Galem ruminated,

Above, you can see two examples of bad paragraphing. In the first example, you don't even need to change anything.

“Got some water around here?” He finally asked, not recognizing the sound of his own voice.

No sooner than he’d posed the question,
That's it. It's done and looks much better, in my opinion. You have your dialogue line with the dialogue tag separated, and then you proceed to write the action, description, and whatever. You can even split that paragraph into three, and, in my opinion, it will only add to the clarity. As for the second example, I will talk about it later when I talk about your dialogues.

Overly long sentences.
Galem’s mention of the word brought back a connection from the haze of the fever dream in the swamps where he spoke with his father, or at least what he thought was his father; it was hard to tell. I will use only one example because I understand this part is subjective, and I can't properly explain how to make it better or why. You have a lot more of such long sentences in the text, and it's really hard to read them, especially when they are parts of overly big paragraphs. I think you can and should rephrase the majority of such sentences and split them into two. It's okay to write them occasionally, yet even your synopsis has an overly long sentence, it's too much.

Here are examples of weird sentences and phrases.

He half-whispered through an impossibly dry mouth. I don't like impossibly here, sounds weird. The mouth also sounds kinda weird. He half-whispered through his cracked lips. I don't like how I wrote it either, but I hope I gave you an explanation of what I want to see.

Tyger winced from the effort of even thinking as a bolt of pain shot through the middle of his head. The effort of thinking, don't like how this sounds and I think you should paraphrase it. Even thinking was painful enough to make Tyger wince. Again, don't like how I rephrased it, but I wanted to show a direction where you should move.

Though even focusing his vision hurt, Even is a filler word here. Get rid of it or paraphrase the whole sentence.

Galem squinted, but in a somewhat unreadable manner with his obscuring facial features. I don't like how this is written. Same deal as the examples above, rephrase it.

It took about half an hour, but the stampede at last subsided, Same. It took about half an hour for the stampede to subside. I think the way I paraphrased it reads a bit better here.

And the offer, however unnecessary, had been at least welcome. Simply weird and incomprehensible. What does 'however unnecessary' means?

I think all of the above really drags you down, as parts that didn't have those problems were easy to read and comprehend.

Another thing that I don't like are your dialogues. I can't say they are bad, but you have two problems. Repetitions, and dialogue tags. Repetitions are easy to explain. Open your chapter one, press ctrl+f, and type the word 'well'. It's okay to use the same phrases and words in dialogues. This can help you in building up the personalities of your characters. Yet when all of your characters use the same words and phrases and you repeat them it looks bad.

Dialogue tags. You overuse them and at the same time, don't use them in proper places. Dialogue tags are used to indicate who is talking, so when you've already set up who is who, who is talking, and write dialogue line after line, drop the: 'he said', 'she said'.

“Mom had lots of stories about him,” Tyger said. “He shared them with her; she shared them with me while I was growing up.”

The hiltbearer seemed to grimace. “That doesn’t sound too pleasant.”

“Well, some of them were pretty gruesome, but that was my dad for you,” Tyger said. “How did you come to know him? What was he like?”

Above you can see an example. Highlighted parts can be safely removed, and you won't lose anything. Keep the part with 'grimace', it adds to the scene, but get rid of 'Tyger said'.

As for not using dialogue tags, let me return to your paragraphing and that second example. “Well, it was so long ago,” Galem ruminated,
You can easily split this paragraph with the help of additional dialogue tags. Right now, it feels and reads like an info dump. But once you start adding small little movements, and reactions of Tyger to Galem's words, it can add to the scene. You don't need to write how Tyger interrupts Galem with words. You can keep the monologue, but add how Tyger's tail wags, how his eyes gleam or darken, something like this, and then write the reaction of Galem to this as a dialogue tag.

"He wasn’t like the rich saps from Icona who went on those little training wheel clad safari jaunts they called hunts."

Seeing how Tyger listened to his tale with bated breath, Galem scratched his chin in satisfaction. "No, he’d go straight into the interior, often without a guide, just like you did. Then he’d bring his kill back to share with the Solace tribes"

This is just an example of what I meant. You should decide what you can add to the scenes yourself.

You have different typos.
In less than five minutes, the nanos would cut through the pain.
“Galem DiCiani?” Typo, didn't split the paragrpah.

recognizing barrel-chested man who at in the chair beside him. Sat?

and then comes crawling in from the swamps, delirious with the gas With the gas?

His arms, folded over his chest shook as he gave a deep, throaty chuckle. Forgot comma?

“You knew my father?” he ejected. “How? When?” Ejected?

Tyger couldn’t help but grin as his hand went absently Hand went absently?

I also didn't like how you ended chapter 1. It ended abruptly but in the wrong way.

And that's it. Can't say much more. As I've already mentioned, your writing(prose, or whatever you want to call it) isn't bad, but I think you are held back by the mentioned problems. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75-2 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

I'm sorry. I hadn't come back to the thread for awhile, so I had forgotten about this message. Thanks for the feedback. I have to admit, however, that outside of the typos, I've heard multiple thoughts on dialogue tags. Some authors get creative and use various words and adjectives others stick with "said" with little or no descriptive words. I'm of the first, though I try to be careful to not get too flowery, And I stick to keeping it plain whenever possible. Some folks don't mind it; others take issue with it. Still, this story has long since been completed, and I'm posting it here in order to gain interest for my Wild Space Saga universe. Because of its age, it does contain writing issues that I've matured past. But I'm not sure if I want to change anything, as, outside of the typos, the story is as it was released as part of my compilation book. I will think about making the corrections, though.

Also, as the paragraphs go, I think those parts where new paragraphs weren't delineated were just formatting hiccups, seeing how I copy-pasted the words to Scribblehub.

I tried to put in as many tags and genres as I could, but many of the ones I wanted to use, the system wouldn't allow, if memory serves. I'll go back and see what I can do, though.


I think the term "synopsis" is a misnomer here, as a synopsis is a full, short-order retelling of the events in the story in its entirety. So I put in the blurb that describes what the story generally is about, the same as one will put for any book. I could, however, make addendums to it by describing the events of each chapter.

Thanks for your insight!

 

[SailusGebel]

Here, I prolly did it wrong
I Met the Young Male Lead When I Was Captured
View attachment 18751
how do I properly insert a book link?

First of all, friendly advice. If you are going to continue writing, either make your chapter around 1500-2500 words long so you can release it once a week. Or release at least three chapters a week if you will keep your average word count below 1000.

As for your story, I can't give any feedback. There are too many mistakes, and I don't know how to explain why this or that is wrong. I can mention that you have a severe problem with tenses as you keep changing them all the time. Stick to one tense. I can also mention that there is no story. Everything is out of place, the scenes aren't connected, the prose is weird. But I can't explain how to fix it or why it's bad. Go to @Alseki. Story_Marc and TheTrinary's feedback threads, they might help you. I can't.

 

[wutwut]

First of all, friendly advice. If you are going to continue writing, either make your chapter around 1500-2500 words long so you can release it once a week. Or release at least three chapters a week if you will keep your average word count below 1000.

As for your story, I can't give any feedback. There are too many mistakes, and I don't know how to explain why this or that is wrong. I can mention that you have a severe problem with tenses as you keep changing them all the time. Stick to one tense. I can also mention that there is no story. Everything is out of place, the scenes aren't connected, the prose is weird. But I can't explain how to fix it or why it's bad. Go to @Alseki. Story_Marc and TheTrinary's feedback threads, they might help you. I can't.

Hi, thanks for pointing out the things that need improvement. Omg you're right The use of tenses is messy. As for the story, I thought the synopsis is enough to hint at the major event that happened so the readers can have a general idea before delving into the prologue. That's why the very first scene is the current progress of the storyline as well as retelling some bits of what happened before. I guess it wasn't executed well and it made you confused. I don't know why you think there is no story One factor that might contribute to that is the main character's emotional stance which is unclear yet. I thought of going through this in the next chapters and I can't push every crucial piece of information in the prologue because I intend to make the readers speculate.
Maybe if I throw a word like "I need to find a way to return home" in the dialogue somewhere in the prologue, it might have a story lol.
That said, the mistakes are laid out and I'm really grateful for your feedback because if you didn't, I would still be thinking there's no problem in my writing. I will try to reach out to the authors you mentioned after I'm done with the changes.
Once again, thank you!

EDIT: Im laughing right now, I asked several people for feedback on my new story so I got confusedXD I thought that the story I submitted is the one from my signature LOLOLOLOLLOL IM SO SORRY
You are dem right there is no story on that lmao. it was originally a one-shot i completed in a day and the story has yet to reach the actual plot that will change everything. I'm sorry but I'm still happy about this misunderstanding. The mistakes are real

 

[SailusGebel]

Do you mind if I ask for feedback: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/764812/ravenswood/

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished chapter A New King.

Your prose, the way you write, call it however you want, is okayish\good. Personally, I don't like it. I don't like certain phrases and choices of words, but these are minor points. My main gripe with your writing is overly long sentences that you like so much and dialogue tags.

The case of overly long sentences is self-explanatory. As for dialogues, it's about tags. You can argue with me, you can torture me, you can do whatever you want, but I can't understand why you would need to use 'said' so many times. Let me be clear, I'm not against using said, but in your case, you don't need it. On average, you use it 5-6 times in a 1400 words chapter, and you simply don't need to use it so much. You can use 'said' once, maybe two times every two to three chapters. You use a variety of great dialogue tags, they are good, so not only does 'said' looks out of place, but sometimes 'said' that you write is redundant.

“Just let him be, Mother,” Zephyr said, waving his hand dismissively. “He would have learnt about tits sooner or later.” Why don't you write, "Zephyr waved his hand dismissively."? We already know he said it because it's a dialogue line.

Apart from subjective dislikes, those two are the only things that genuinely distracted me. Other than that, your writing is good.

Now let me talk a little bit about your characters. This is subjective, and I understand it's very hard to get this right. Your characters don't look like children. I just can't see them talking like eighteen years old and then you proceed to say they are ten or twelve. I can't, I don't believe it. No amount of suspension of disbelief, and understanding that they are royalty, this is a fantasy isekai and medieval times will make me believe, that those are children.

And overall, your character doesn't feel like royalty, nobles, or whatever. Is calling a soon-to-be king a 'bastard' counts as political unrest, conflict, treachery, or conspiracy? To me, it sounds like the characters are retarded, and the only reason their heads didn't roll before and probably won't roll is that they have plot armor. As long as the plot needs them, no matter what they say, they will be alive because reasons. I can understand when some characters act like brutes or swear, but if you try hard to describe them as nobles, how elegant they are, and so on, do be kind to make at least some of them speak with veiled threats\insults rather than bluntly calling a soon-to-be king a bastard.

Another point that I don't like is how you introduce characters. I'm not sure this is part of your writing, probably more of a storytelling issue. Don't know where to put it.

“Why are you so late? Did sucking on a maiden’s tit make you dull?” Thaddeus said, folding his arms as he gave a mocking grin. Personally, I hate when new characters are introduced like that. It feels out of nowhere. I understand that you can't introduce everyone in a dialogue, it will become stale and repetitive. But this kind of introduction is even worse, in my opinion. And you introduce a lot of characters like that, and I hate it.

The last thing that I didn't like was the ending of the chapter A New World. I hate it. Not only does it look out of place, it is the most lazy way to recount everything that has happened, and tell the goals of MC.

And that's it. Don't have a lot more to say, although I've focused mostly on negative aspects, your novel isn't that bad. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.25 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

EDIT: Im laughing right now, I asked several people for feedback on my new story so I got confusedXD I thought that the story I submitted is the one from my signature LOLOLOLOLLOL IM SO SORRY
You are dem right there is no story on that lmao. it was originally a one-shot i completed in a day and the story has yet to reach the actual plot that will change everything. I'm sorry but I'm still happy about this misunderstanding. The mistakes are real

Uh, okay, but I have another friednly advice.

I will try to reach out to the authors you mentioned after I'm done with the changes.

Don't do it like this. Don't change your story based on one feedback. Try to gather as many opinions as possible and only then proceed to think about what you want to change, what to discard, and so on. Also, I didn't give you any directions on where to improve and how(because I can't), so before rewriting stuff, it would be better to see how you can do it better. To understand everything and not be misguided by subjective opinions look for other feedback threads. I mentioned the usernames of people who can help you with that in the previous reply. They all have feedback threads, and it's free.

 

[wutwut]

Don't do it like this. Don't change your story based on one feedback. Try to gather as many opinions as possible and only then proceed to think about what you want to change, what to discard, and so on. Also, I didn't give you any directions on where to improve and how(because I can't), so before rewriting stuff, it would be better to see how you can do it better. To understand everything and not be misguided by subjective opinions look for other feedback threads. I mentioned the usernames of people who can help you with that in the previous reply. They all have feedback threads, and it's free.

You did tell me what to improve.
I will correct my use of tenses and be more aware of the elements of my story, it's not changing the actual story. I do love wasting some authors' time so I could hear their insights. Please do not think of it in a bad light lol

 

[SailusGebel]

Would be great to get some feedback on this

Echoes of Aetheria

In 'Echoes of Aetheria,' Lila, a woman with a blurry past, wakes up in the mysterious realm of Aetheria with zero memory of how she got there. Led by a voice in her head, she embarks on a risky journey to uncover the secrets of her lost memories and...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 3 : The Echoes

First of all, friendly advice. Don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates. No latests updates = almost zero views.

Your story isn't my cup of tea, so I have no intention to read past chapter 3. This means I will start by briefly mentioning the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

As for your writing, it's good, but there are a couple of problems. The first is punctuation.

"I know this is all a bit much Lila" the voice said reassuringly "but I'm sure
"Magic?" she thought inquisitively looking at the torch in her hand,
As Lila emerged from the dark room behind her still squinting
"of course, forgive me."
Self explanatory I think.

The second problem is repetition. Good old repetitions.

When Remus uses 'elusive' it's an okay repetition because he says it, and it helps in building his character. But when everything is ethereal, when everything is tinged with this or that, everything has a hint of something, and so on, it's bad.

Speaking of voices being tinged, having a tone of, being slightly something, and so on. The third problem is you overuse dialogue tags. Yes, overuse. They are good, but there are too many of them.

And that's all with major problems. A very subjective thing that I hate is double spaces between the paragraphs. I don't deduct any points for this, but I want to mention this every time I see it.

Your first chapter has some formatting issues or something like that. Easy to fix.
"Arggh" Lila screamed "I mean seriously what the hell is going on? For example, the paragraph with this sentence is messed up.

I've noticed one typo.
a faint breeze vlowing through. Flowing?

A small nitpick.
"Who... who the hell are you? And where the hell am I?" she stammered, her fear palpable. She stammered, but there is no stammering?

"What the fuck Remus, I feel connected to that....that being and have no idea why." Remus explained to her why she feels connected a couple of paragraphs ago. Why does she have such a reaction after an explanation?

And that's all. Sorry for making this so short, but I don't have a lot to say. It feels very solid in terms of quality. Easy to comprehend and read, and I rate this highly. Though repetitions and punctuation somewhat ruin the impressions, it's not that severe. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.5 stars. And that's the end. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

No.

 

[WaryTiger]

Looking forward to it!


Little Bamboo

 

[SailusGebel]

I would highly appreciate that!
link to my story => "The Curse Of Wardoks"

The story has no romance of any kind at all.


Yessir!

Thank you in advance!

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 4: A Friendship Beyond Worlds

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates. No latest updates = almost zero views.

The last thing I want to mention before the actual feedback. I strongly dislike the usage of Japanese setting, names, honorifics, and so on in a story written by someone who is not Japanese. I'm not SJW, but this makes me cringe extra hard. It's my personal preference, and there are many reasons behind it, but I won't delve into them too much.

And now I can finally talk about the novel. It's a very tough case, as my opinion shifted all the time. At first, I thought it deserved 4 stars, then 3.75, then 3.5, and then back to 3.75. Even now, as I write this feedback, I can't decide what rating your novel deserves.

Overall I like the way you write\your prose. Yet although it's easy to comprehend and easy to read, although the length of chapters is slightly less than I'm used to, each chapter took me more time to read than usual. Perhaps it's because your story isn't my cup of tea? Or is your prose not as good as I think it is?

Although I can't answer those questions, I can mention the following. Apart from certain nitpicks, the way you write is just the way I like it. But then I see certain parts in your chapters that are way too clunky and look out of place.

Let me elaborate on what I mean by nitpicking by showing you a couple of examples.

With grace and agility,
He drew in a long breath of smoke, filling his lungs with the harsh nicotine
The man, clad in a biohazard suit, cradled his helmet under one arm while the other held a slowly burning cigarette.
The streets buzzed with voices.
there was another reason for the electric atmosphere

Although I can understand everything that was highlighted in bold, I personally think you can phrase it better. Is it a major mistake that will make me deduct points? No. It's small nitpicking.

The thing that makes me deduct points is, for example, the following scene. The bullying scene in Chapter 2 is somewhat clunky. The part that starts with: As Luke sat alone in the corner of the room, quietly dressing, his teammates engaged in lively conversations. And ends with approximately: Luke sat in solitude, his thoughts drifting to the day's events.

Don't take me wrong I'm not saying I was disturbed\triggered, or that I thought MC acts out of character or something along the lines. I don't like the way it's written. What I mean is that your writing in this scene feels different. It's clunky and doesn't flow quite as much as the rest of the chapter when I read it. Hard for me to explain, but it's the best I can do here, sorry. There were a couple more scenes like this when it felt as if you were substituted and someone else wrote parts of your novel.

Another thing that forces me to deduct points is your introduction of Wardoks. Overall, Chapter 3 kinda sucks, in my opinion. I can close my eyes when it comes to dialogues and think they are a different race, so they converse like that, okay.

But this, "I refuse to be captured! I will halt the invasion of the human world... and, grandfather, I will atone for your sin and restore your honor, no matter the cost..." Ruster whispered to himself, his resolve unwavering. I hate this part. So out of place. I understand that you probably wanted to give a reader some context and build up Ruster's personality, but it feels so forced.

Another thing. The Wardoks were a formidable race of warriors, And the rest of this info dump. With your prose and how you usually give the info about your world, this looks very out of place and very info dumpey. To me, of course. Maybe others will look at this differently, but I hate this part as it stops me from immersing in the story. Moreover, even if you decide to keep it, at least put it somewhere else. You start writing a very tense scene, how Ruster is fleeing from pursuers. Even though I hate it, the part where Ruster talks about halting the invasion highlights the severity of the situation, and you decide to interrupt it with an info dump.

Another thing that I didn't like is how you don't change the way you describe things.
He wore no shirt, only some jewelry, while his pants resembled those of ancient Viking garb. You use different POVs, but the descriptions are the same. Either chapter 4 has a head-hopping problem, you should change how Wardok talks in chapter 3, or you should slightly alter how you write descriptions depending on the POV that you currently use.

The last thing I want to mention is probably a single case of typo.
He tried to reason with his former comrades despite his condition.

Iron cynically questioned Ruster's You missed a dialogue line here.

This is where I end my feedback. I don't have anything else to say. Although I've only mentioned the negative parts, I said your rating is quite high in the beginning. Even 3.5 is high considering how I didn't rate anything above 4. If you think I'm wrong somewhere, feel free to dismiss my opinion. Or, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I will answer them if I can.

 

[ToushiroYA]

Long time no see Sailus, I've come to get bashed once again with my new story, I'm still very thankful for last year's feedback. So, please, throw me your best here in the thread.

Reincarnated as a Snake: I’m Aiming to be the Cutest

One night I woke up in the woods only to find that I had become a baby snake, the system couldn’t be any more confusing and the creatures in this place aren’t gonna wait for me to grow before having me for dinner, but I will do my...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Dear Lord, would you kindly grant me a moment of your precious time to peruse my humble story? For I am but a humble and aspiring writer, seeking your esteemed guidance and wisdom.

The Fateful Day

#Murim #Romance #Action On a fateful day, a young boy and a young girl meet somewhere within a forest. Meeting the lost and troubled girl, the boy let her live with him under a wooden house built beside a brilliant cherry tree. Years of harmony passed by and the two...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter 1: A Fateful Day

Friendly advice. You should probably change the synopsis so it will fit the site. Changing it will probably bring in more readers, but you do you.

Now to the actual feedback. I will keep it short because I have almost nothing to say.

I can't say anything about the plot or worldbuilding after reading 1 chapter. Characters? The boy doesn't feel or act like a child. Yeah-yeah, it's fantasy, murim, and blah-blah. Even with all of that, I don't believe that he is a child.

As for your writing, I didn't like it, and you have lots of small mistakes as well as one major.

The major mistake is the tenses. You use the wrong tenses a lot.

Here are a couple of examples.
The boy facepalm himself, speechless at how slow he realized this, I'm fairly sure it should be facepalmED, considering how you use past tense all the time.

‘Did I… asked for too much… but…’ Did I ASK.

Examples of different miscellaneous mistakes.
Screams came out of her mouth Scream?

But then, as the snake about to strike, WAS about to strike?

This place is not for some kid to play around," said by the brat as he turned to leave. You either don't need "by", or you need to rephrase that part.
"I guess it's none of my business... brat, go home quickly. This place is not for some kid to play around," were words left by one kid to another as he turned to leave. I don't like the way I rephrased it, but I simply wanted to show a direction in which you should move.

As the boy immersed himself in his mind, the two of them enjoyed the apple in sweet silence. I think the highlighted part means that they will enjoy a single apple. Moreover, I don't like the phrase "immersed in the mind". I think you can rephrase it and make it sound better.

When the girl reached for the last bite of her apple, Simply weird. When the girl reached to take the last bite. I don't like the way I paraphrased this, but it's still better than what you wrote.

Overall, your writing is somewhat clunky. It doesn't flow, and you sometimes write descriptions, actions, or thoughts that simply don't matter. It doesn't move the plot, or to be more precise the scene in any direction, and you simply waste the words. Unfortunately, I can't be more precise here nor can I explain why I feel like this.

And that's the end of the feedback. Sorry for making this so short, but I don't have a lot to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.