Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[RefinedBlade]

I was about to ask you guys for feedback but then I realised I would become part of the back to basic sect. Nobody read my story and I was sad of it at first. Now I am happy nobody get to read that trash.

 

[Skyfall]

So basically if your story is not up to Royal Road standard you would get back to basic at worse and would not keep reading at best.

Got it.

 

[TheTrinary]

So basically if your story is not up to Royal Road standard you would get back to basic at worse and would not keep reading at best.

Got it.

I didn't say any of that. Back to basics is if there are fundamental issues with the readability or enjoyment of your writing.

 

[Skyfall]

I didn't say any of that. Back to basics is if there are fundamental issues with the readability or enjoyment of your writing.

Huh. Neat. Might submit a link to my first chapter later if you are alright with criticizing something posted outside Scribble Hub.

Bots are pirating novels from this site. I have to move it somewhere safer.

 

[WinterTimeCrime]

Care to review my first chapter?

Space Patroller Miya (Original English Light Novel)

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Huh. Neat. Might submit a link to my first chapter later if you are alright with criticizing something posted outside Scribble Hub.

Bots are pirating novels from this site. I have to move it somewhere safer.

That's fine. As long as there is a link and I don't have to go looking.

 

[JorieDS]

I haven't published it yet on ScribbleHub, but I've got a urban fantasy in the works that I'd like to have a second opinion. I mostly write fanfics but I decide to give original work a try, so I put the prologue, plus two more chapters on drive:

Can you see me

docs.google.com

If you can't or won't read it because it's not on ScribbleHub, I'd still like to say thanks.

 

[Gunshot_god]

Rating: Back to basics.

There are a ton of tense swaps which makes it read poorly. I'd recommend to do some editing and make sure your prose is consistent.

Thank you very much boss. i will try my best.

If I might add a few words? I'm not surprised with the verdict after reading those stories and comparing them.

It seems like most SH authors just can't compete with RR authors in terms of quality but that's okay. We all gotta start somewhere.

@Gunshot_god, @ManwX, @Kaze_NG my advice? Just keep writing. Reading something written by a better author like @RynnTheTired could also help. It might give you some insight.

Hehe. you rescued my inspiration. And Trinaryboss gave me an honest review. Didn't knew that brothers and sisters here are so good and friendly. my teeny heart is happy.
Will read that recommendation.

 

[EnoraTwilight]

Please give me feedback. I would love to see your thoughts. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/719659/the-sleeping-giant-is-a-cute-vampire/

 

[Oreo]

Please give me feedback. I would love to see your thoughts. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/719659/the-sleeping-giant-is-a-cute-vampire/

Your story is suffering from:

• Comma splice
• Run on sentences and sentences fragment
• Repetitive sentences and paragraph structure
• Shifty tense

This is how you avoid some of them.

 

[EnoraTwilight]

Your story is suffering from:

• Comma splice
• Run on sentences and sentences fragment
• Repetitive sentences and paragraph structure
• Shifty tense

This is how you avoid some of them.

Can you give examples from the first chapter? Especially of run on sentences.

 

[Zakuro]

Can you give examples from the first chapter? Especially of run on sentences.

Pretty sure oreo just run through your chapters with grammarly/prowritingaid because she is lazy. You should try that too before posting. The free version is enough.

 

[Getterkuma]

- Chapter 0: Find a New Life | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This is the prologue of my ongoing fantasy Novel, Centris.

 

[RebelLion]

Please give me feedback. I would love to see your thoughts. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/719659/the-sleeping-giant-is-a-cute-vampire/

I see Royal Road accepted your story. You are safe from back to basic rating at least.

- Chapter 0: Find a New Life | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This is the prologue of my ongoing fantasy Novel, Centris.

Use quotation marks ("") to show dialogues and you will be fine. We don't use dashes (--) when direct speech starts on a new paragraph in English.

 

[ManwX]

Please do mine. for puppet of twisted destiny. I would really appreciate it.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/622748-puppet-of-twisted-destiny/chapter/623841/ also link in the signature.

 

[Getterkuma]

I see Royal Road accepted your story. You are safe from back to basic rating at least.


Use quotation marks ("") to show dialogues and you will be fine. We don't use dashes (--) when direct speech starts on a new paragraph in English.

Thanks for the feedback, I have been told that before but I kinda have like 60+ chapters already and I'm too lazy to change it all. Plus it kinda wrecks my writing flow using quotations for dialogues. And I like how the dashes look, make it slightly distinctive.

 

[TheTrinary]

Care to review my first chapter?

Space Patroller Miya (Original English Light Novel)

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

I've definitely done this one before.

I haven't published it yet on ScribbleHub, but I've got a urban fantasy in the works that I'd like to have a second opinion. I mostly write fanfics but I decide to give original work a try, so I put the prologue, plus two more chapters on drive:

Can you see me

docs.google.com

If you can't or won't read it because it's not on ScribbleHub, I'd still like to say thanks.

I would read it. But access is denied.

Please give me feedback. I would love to see your thoughts. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/719659/the-sleeping-giant-is-a-cute-vampire/

RATING: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.

THE STRONG POINTS

It's readable. You have some moderatly interesting ideas here for a chapter: character going to find a giant. Sure.

THE WEAK POINTS

Most of your problems are rooted in that very first paragraph. Outside of being kind of stupid and blowing up a very simple idea-- and over explaining it-- to a level of absurdity that isn't beleivable, it also acts as the bedrock for your character motivation. I stopped and asked myself at one point what this character is, and then remembered that they are obssessed with a phrase they heard as a child.

That's not really characterization as it's a mundane fact at best. Maybe if they were autistic or something and you used that as a spring board to establish their need to obssess with things, that could be interesting, but it's literally just someone who heard a word.

OVERALL

Give ma a real main character and we're in it.

 

[TheTrinary]

- Chapter 0: Find a New Life | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This is the prologue of my ongoing fantasy Novel, Centris.

RATING: Would not keep reading.

You're suffering from non-engaging writing. Let's look:

Deep within the bowels of the Middle District, the blossoming mercantile neighborhood of the city, lays an ancient set of tunnels, once the streets of a bustling ancient civilization, repurposed to serve as the sewer system of the current city.

So many commas. 7 words then stop, 7 words then stop, 6 stop, 8 stop, 11. And I want to be clear as this is paragraph three, this is your entire work up till this point. It feels like tiny little snippets of ideas. You have no flow or readability. Quick edit:

Deep within the bowels of the Middle District, the blossoming mercantile neighborhood of the city, lays an ancient set of tunnels, streets of a bustling ancient civilization repurposed to serve as the sewer system of the current city.

Large hexagonal tunnels of brick and mortar extend under the street, given shape by architects and arcanists, creating a network of hallways and large cisterns all over the underside of the city.

All of your work is establishing idea then qualifying it in a passive manner. Let's rewrite this paragraph.

Architects and arcansists shaped the large hexagonoal tunnels to [Insert Purpose/ Other intereesting fact that deepens the world building]. The rest of the information you provide there can be stricken with absolutely no loss of information.

Please do mine. for puppet of twisted destiny. I would really appreciate it.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/622748-puppet-of-twisted-destiny/chapter/623841/ also link in the signature.

Rating: Would not Keep reading.

You manage to engage the reader at the minimum level while also havign some extremely stilted prose and dialogue. It's an interesting combination to dissect. I actually had it more middle of the road until I rolled my sleeves up and looked at the writing.

You get shifty with the time frames, swapping between past and present.

There's a lot of repeateded phrasing that stands out: "On the other hand", "poker face".

Some nonsensical phrasing: "The general glaring and getting as close to stares in his eyes."

OVERALL

It's better than it has any right to be, in that you put the resources in the write places for it to function as a story the audience can read, but there are a swath of problems here.

 

[Getterkuma]

RATING: Would not keep reading.

You're suffering from non-engaging writing. Let's look:

Deep within the bowels of the Middle District, the blossoming mercantile neighborhood of the city, lays an ancient set of tunnels, once the streets of a bustling ancient civilization, repurposed to serve as the sewer system of the current city.

So many commas. 7 words then stop, 7 words then stop, 6 stop, 8 stop, 11. And I want to be clear as this is paragraph three, this is your entire work up till this point. It feels like tiny little snippets of ideas. You have no flow or readability. Quick edit:

Deep within the bowels of the Middle District, the blossoming mercantile neighborhood of the city, lays an ancient set of tunnels, streets of a bustling ancient civilization repurposed to serve as the sewer system of the current city.

Large hexagonal tunnels of brick and mortar extend under the street, given shape by architects and arcanists, creating a network of hallways and large cisterns all over the underside of the city.

All of your work is establishing idea then qualifying it in a passive manner. Let's rewrite this paragraph.

Architects and arcansists shaped the large hexagonoal tunnels to [Insert Purpose/ Other intereesting fact that deepens the world building]. The rest of the information you provide there can be stricken with absolutely no loss of information.

Rating: Would not Keep reading.

You manage to engage the reader at the minimum level while also havign some extremely stilted prose and dialogue. It's an interesting combination to dissect. I actually had it more middle of the road until I rolled my sleeves up and looked at the writing.

You get shifty with the time frames, swapping between past and present.

There's a lot of repeateded phrasing that stands out: "On the other hand", "poker face".

Some nonsensical phrasing: "The general glaring and getting as close to stares in his eyes."

OVERALL

It's better than it has any right to be, in that you put the resources in the write places for it to function as a story the audience can read, but there are a swath of problems here.

Thanks for the feedback

 

[EnoraTwilight]

I've definitely done this one before.

I would read it. But access is denied.

RATING: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.

THE STRONG POINTS

It's readable. You have some moderatly interesting ideas here for a chapter: character going to find a giant. Sure.

THE WEAK POINTS

Most of your problems are rooted in that very first paragraph. Outside of being kind of stupid and blowing up a very simple idea-- and over explaining it-- to a level of absurdity that isn't beleivable, it also acts as the bedrock for your character motivation. I stopped and asked myself at one point what this character is, and then remembered that they are obssessed with a phrase they heard as a child.

That's not really characterization as it's a mundane fact at best. Maybe if they were autistic or something and you used that as a spring board to establish their need to obssess with things, that could be interesting, but it's literally just someone who heard a word.

OVERALL

Give ma a real main character and we're in it.

Thank you for honest feedback! Honestly I am autistic, and I do this all the time. The phrase was stuck in my head when I started writing it, but it slowly developed into a story. Eventually it transitions into her wanting to wake a real sleeping giant. The obsession with the phrase comes from a childhood experience of hers, which doesn't show up for a while.