Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Thank you for honest feedback! Honestly I am autistic, and I do this all the time. The phrase was stuck in my head when I started writing it, but it slowly developed into a story. Eventually it transitions into her wanting to wake a real sleeping giant. The obsession with the phrase comes from a childhood experience of hers, which doesn't show up for a while.
Totally to your credit, that was the first thought that came to mind-- brain patterns that can create these fixatiosn. I can totally see a version of this that works if your flesh out the MC. If this chapter was more about your character and less about a journey up the mountain, I think it could be brilliant.
Three would not keep readings. Not bad. Keep it up guys and back to basic ratings will be a thing of the past.
You're kind of a dick you know.
 

EnoraTwilight

My brain have wrinkles
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Totally to your credit, that was the first thought that came to mind-- brain patterns that can create these fixatiosn. I can totally see a version of this that works if your flesh out the MC. If this chapter was more about your character and less about a journey up the mountain, I think it could be brilliant.
I don't think I would like a version that is more about the character in the opening chapter. The only things I wanted the reader to think from the opener was that she is weird/clumsy. There are things I could change though.

Edit: The first chapter was meant to be a little weird or disorienting (Don't really know what word to use). It starts from an obsession of wanting to wake a sleeping giant due to a past thing, and so she climbs the mountain. I don't know if I conveyed well that she is clumsy. She forgot to charge her phone, she makes a lot of noise, and she drops her phone towards the end.

Edit 2: It sounds like I am just trying to justify it to you, and that might be true. More than that I am grateful you took your time to provide honest thoughts. Intent isn't always conveyed through text.
 
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RebelLion

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You're kind of a dick you know.
The difference between being a dick and being honest is paper thin. It's a matter of perspective. Between me, Lloyd, and Kusa, I'm proud to say I'm the honest one.
Thank you for this thread. I'd love to hear feedback on Chapter 0 of my story.
Your synopsis is clear and concise, and it gives a good overview of the main characters, the plot, and the tone of your story. It also sets the expectations for the readers about what to expect and what not to expect from your story.

Your story sounds like an interesting mix of sci-fi and action. I like that you are focusing on realistic and adult characters who have to deal with their personal issues as well as the alien invasion. I also like that you are not going for a grimdark or dystopian setting, but rather a world that tries to fight back and adapt to the new situation.

Your plans for posting your chapters seem reasonable and realistic. You could also try posting on different platforms or forums to reach a wider audience and get more exposure. I can see it's already on Royal Road. Good job. If you're more serious about writing, you can try posting it on Spacebattles and Sufficient Velocity.

Your chapter 0 still feels like a draft and a bit like a teaser, but it still managed to be very entertaining. You have some good ideas and an interesting plot in there. It only needs more context. This is fine, however, since the story is currently in draft mode and you're still in the process of learning to write and edit. I expect the chapters to get better and better as you continue to learn and refine your writing skills.

Overall, the only thing I would warn is that the writing could probably be improved by a bit more editing. The sentence construction could be improved and the length of some sentences could be trimmed. But then again, when you're still in the process of learning the craft, it's better to be a bit sloppy rather than not be writing at all.
 

Zakuro

Crushed Pomegranate
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You're kind of a dick you know.
I wouldn't call someone biased toward works posted in RR a dick you know. He had a point, well, kinda. Outside of Erys/Leti/Mello's work, the story reviewed here that wasn't also posted in RR had lower quality. I would also say most of them had no idea online spelling/grammar checking tools were a thing. That you actually bothered reading and reviewing them said something about your character. You are a good person, don't let a dick ruin your day!
Thank you for this thread. I'd love to hear feedback on Chapter 0 of my story.
Overall, the only thing I would warn is that the writing could probably be improved by a bit more editing. The sentence construction could be improved and the length of some sentences could be trimmed. But then again, when you're still in the process of learning the craft, it's better to be a bit sloppy rather than not be writing at all.
My good friend/enemy (frenemy?) @SailusGebel would like to say something to you. Was the system really necessary? I felt as if it nothing would change if you removed it. That it wouldn't be distracting the story was also a bonus. You wouldn't have to keep track of the stats and numbers!
 

Kaze_NG

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So as someone with the worst review in this thread, please let me give my opinion on this matter for the first and maybe tha last time.

I have clearly misunderstood this whole thing. I found this site (SH) through a referral from novelupdates some months ago, where i spent countless of hours reading fan translated and non-edited Machine translated asian novels. That was my standard, I thought this was a place where hobbyist just shared their stories to each other they wrote for fun after an 8 hour workday, so did I.

I didn't know that you were looking at this review topic from a more professional standpoint whereas I just thought of "just getting a second opinion." I'm neither native speaker, nor an experienced writer after all. Of course this doesn't mean i don't want to improve myself.

@TheTrinary After checking your yt channal i can see now that you take this very seriously. So I'm sorry for wasting your time. And thank you for your unfiltered opinion from your professional standpoint.

@Oreo Thank you for your advice, I will keep writing. But it feels unrewarding if you don't share it, so I'm sorry, I will also keep posting.

@RebelLion Not sure you if that's, what you intended. But i Felt like you stood up for the back to the basics gang. So Thank you.

Last but not least, thank you all for reading my opinion.

Kaze out.
 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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So as someone with the worst review in this thread, please let me give my opinion on this matter for the first and maybe tha last time.

I have clearly misunderstood this whole thing. I found this site (SH) through a referral from novelupdates some months ago, where i spent countless of hours reading fan translated and non-edited Machine translated asian novels. That was my standard, I thought this was a place where hobbyist just shared their stories to each other they wrote for fun after an 8 hour workday, so did I.

I didn't know that you were looking at this review topic from a more professional standpoint whereas I just thought of "just getting a second opinion." I'm neither native speaker, nor an experienced writer after all. Of course this doesn't mean i don't want to improve myself.

@TheTrinary After checking your yt channal i can see now that you take this very seriously. So I'm sorry for wasting your time. And thank you for your unfiltered opinion from your professional standpoint.

@Oreo Thank you for your advice, I will keep writing. But it feels unrewarding if you don't share it, so I'm sorry, I will also keep posting.

@RebelLion Not sure you if that's, what you intended. But i Felt like you stood up for the back to the basics gang. So Thank you.

Last but not least, thank you all for reading my opinion.

Kaze out.
This is a critique thread for authors to get feedback for their work. It solely exists to be helpful. Anyone can apply regardless of experience or skill level. You didn't waste my time, you used my time specifically for what it was intended for.
 

RebelLion

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This is a critique thread for authors to get feedback for their work. It solely exists to be helpful. Anyone can apply regardless of experience or skill level. You didn't waste my time, you used my time specifically for what it was intended for.
Perhaps you should consider putting a warning in the main page like what Sailus does in his thread to avoid misunderstandings. It let people know what to expect. Just a suggestion.
 

Oreo

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Can you give examples from the first chapter? Especially of run on sentences.
It's just like what Zakuro and TheTrinary said.

I used online tools to spot the flaws of your story after the first paragraph made me lost interest. The least I can do for you is that.

Sorry if I can't be helpful.

Three would not keep readings. Not bad. Keep it up guys and back to basic ratings will be a thing of the past.
You're kind of a dick you know.
Call me a dick, but I don't see why this comment offends you.

If anything, I was a bigger dick because I was the one who first made the comparison between SH and RR authors.

For that, I am sorry. I don't know it will escalate to this.

I will stop commenting on your thread if it make you uncomfortable.

I shouldn't be here on the first place. This is your feedback thread, after all.

Words of advice: Don't take everything in SH too seriously.

@Oreo Thank you for your advice, I will keep writing. But it feels unrewarding if you don't share it, so I'm sorry, I will also keep posting.

That's the spirit! You will not know if you have improved or not if you don't have someone else read your story.

Another important skill to learn is to grow a thick skin. Some critiques can be harsh and unforgiving, but they are worth it!

Try to remember the reason you started writing whenever you feel like giving up.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
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It's just like what Zakuro and TheTrinary said.

I used online tools to spot the flaws of your story after the first paragraph made me lost interest. The least I can do for you is that.

Sorry if I can't be helpful.


Call me a dick, but I don't see why this comment offends you.

If anything, I was a bigger dick because I was the one who first made the comparison between SH and RR authors.

For that, I am sorry. I don't know it will escalate to this.

I will stop commenting on your thread if it make you uncomfortable.

I shouldn't be here on the first place. This is your feedback thread, after all.

Words of advice: Don't take everything in SH too seriously.



That's the spirit! You will not know if you have improved or not if you don't have someone else read your story.

Another important skill to learn is to grow a thick skin. Some critiques can be harsh and unforgiving, but they are worth it!

Try to remember the reason you started writing whenever you feel like giving up.
I kind of lumped all all the negative comments together when reading that. Two, I don't know how you read that without extreme sarcasm.
Thank you for this thread. I'd love to hear feedback on Chapter 0 of my story.
Rating: Middle of the Road so Would Not Keep Reading.

The Good


In a lot of ways, you manage to effectively write about your characteres, moving between information and the story. You flesh out details, You put them information in more than one context.

It's readable. There are a few errors here or there, but eh. It works.

I liked the change in POV. I really liked the second change.

Weak Points

So to touch on my first good point, you have the right stuff there structurally, but it lost me in terms of the content, sometimes.

Example: Nakedness. You point out the fact, elaborate on it in a way that makes sense to indicate her feelings on the matter and even a change on those feelings. AND THEN there's this weird detour where you use it as a way to talk about her public relations. It starts with: Still, she was glad that this high up on a butte in the Nevada desert, there weren’t any people around. My first though is that she's on this military operation, so of course. But then the bigger is you is that it undercuts the entire purpose of the previous information. You directly state that nudity is inconsequential, but then you go on to explain why it is consequential, and you do it in a way that vague and besides the point.

Second issue: Foundation. You throw us into the action, and I have no clue what is going on. Media res works to the extent that the audience can understand a conflict. The Dark Knight. First shot bank robbery. I know what a bankrobbery is and I understand the scene from literally the first second. Criminals want money, are going to steal it. Great.

Here we have systems, and military, and sci-fi. It's so detached from reality that I just start assuming it's a video game. But then, you have real world signifiers. The writer is telling me this is the real world by saying Nevada.

As a writer, you need to communicate with your reader. You need to understand what expectations are being set up by each sentence. Action scenes, especially as an opener, only function based on your readers expectations-- wether that be characters, stakes, or even story beats.

Once again, the Dark Knight. I can remember seeing it in theaters opening night. I understood the scene from the onset, but I wasn't entertained. I sat up when the robbers started killing eachother because it contradicted my expectatations for that scnee. I was entertained when the banker pulled out a shotgun because that was really unexpected for this type of scene and I naturally empathized with the crime victims. But I was only truely invested when the character of the Joker was revealed and the entire scene came together to inform his character. The robbers killing eachother off showed that he was intelligent and planned ahead. The banker shooting at him showed that he was manipulative and twisted.


If your opening can work on any one of those levels you've done something worth its time. If your story can use the action to inform the characters' personalities, then you've made something very good. In the current chapter, you've just given us a bunch of flashing lights and action disconnected from reality. The flashes of competency are there though when you know to step back and focus on the characters.

OVERALL


Foundation, foundation, foundation.
 
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DataNerdX

Member
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Apr 12, 2023
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Thank you for your feedback, @RebelLion. I appreciate the positive thoughts.

Your plans for posting your chapters seem reasonable and realistic. You could also try posting on different platforms or forums to reach a wider audience and get more exposure. I can see it's already on Royal Road. Good job. If you're more serious about writing, you can try posting it on Spacebattles and Sufficient Velocity.
I just looked at Spacebattles and Sufficient Velocity. Unless I missed it, they only have the forum side of things, with stories posted as threads. I like the author dashboards that ScribbleHub and Royal Road provide so will just stick with these for now. I'll keep the other two in mind though.

Your chapter 0 still feels like a draft and a bit like a teaser, but it still managed to be very entertaining. You have some good ideas and an interesting plot in there. It only needs more context. This is fine, however, since the story is currently in draft mode and you're still in the process of learning to write and edit. I expect the chapters to get better and better as you continue to learn and refine your writing skills.

Overall, the only thing I would warn is that the writing could probably be improved by a bit more editing. The sentence construction could be improved and the length of some sentences could be trimmed. But then again, when you're still in the process of learning the craft, it's better to be a bit sloppy rather than not be writing at all.
Yes, chapter 0 is very much meant to be a teaser without dwelling too much on where the monsters are coming from or who is fighting them. Is the synopsis enough context? Or should there maybe be a line like "One year after the aliens started invading" at the beginning of the chapter? [Edit: I think I get it now. The easy fixes I proposed would not help. It's not so much context within the story or world I'm building. It's more that readers do not have context on how this scene fits into typical archetypes.]

Haha, yes, about the sentence length. Was just editing a chapter today and had the exact same thought.
 
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DataNerdX

Member
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Messages
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@TheTrinary, thank you for the feedback.

So to touch on my first good point, you have the right stuff there structurally, but it lost me in terms of the content, sometimes.

Example: Nakedness. You point out the fact, elaborate on it in a way that makes sense to indicate her feelings on the matter and even a change on those feelings. AND THEN there's this weird detour where you use it as a way to talk about her public relations. It starts with: Still, she was glad that this high up on a butte in the Nevada desert, there weren’t any people around. My first though is that she's on this military operation, so of course. But then the bigger is you is that it undercuts the entire purpose of the previous information. You directly state that nudity is inconsequential, but then you go on to explain why it is consequential, and you do it in a way that vague and besides the point.

I had placed the nakedness detail there to both give a little characterization for the characters and to ease the POV transition. But I get your point that it's a confusing transition to public relations. The core problem seems to be too much characterization at the expense of clarity and focus.

Second issue: Foundation. You throw us into the action, and I have no clue what is going on. Media res works to the extent that the audience can understand a conflict. The Dark Knight. First shot bank robbery. I know what a bankrobbery is and I understand the scene from literally the first second. Criminals want money, are going to steal it. Great.

Here we have systems, and military, and sci-fi. It's so detached from reality that I just start assuming it's a video game. But then, you have real world signifiers. The writer is telling me this is the real world by saying Nevada.

As a writer, you need to communicate with your reader. You need to understand what expectations are being set up by each sentence. Action scenes, especially as an opener, only function based on your readers expectations-- wether that be characters, stakes, or even story beats.

That's a great example. @RebelLion's point on context makes sense now. I was very much thinking of a cold opening, movie style, for the prologue. And for me, a force field in the middle of Nevada is enough context since the story leading up to it is already in my head. I had forgotten that the readers wouldn't have that connection. And force fields just do not have enough of a cultural meaning, unlike masked individuals with guns in a bank.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
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133
Rating: Would Not Keep Reading

WHAT I LIKED


The new world we're going to being a seeming hellsapce is interesting. I don't think I've seen it actually and there's tons of potential for some fun stuff.

Structurally, it's what you want for a first chapter. you establish your character, you have that movement to the new world. It seems like a low hanging compliment, but a lot of people pass over it.

You have two good lines. One about how he was bad at video games and two about how he was holding the team back/ being combative. In another context, that could really work.

THE CRTIQUE

Oh boy. Everything else was not a good time. Let's start with your character. He's just the worst while not even being a character. You haven't provided a single reason to have the audience care about this guy. This might work if it was going for paradody, because he is the absolute worst that you can write. I'm not even saying you can't do this specifically, but you have to humanize him. Maybe he's like this because he's been laid off from work for six months. Maybe he checks his text and sees that he didn't get the most recent job he applied for. This would work really well with the two lines I included above: You create sympathy and something we can relate to, but underhandidly imply that he's still a massive POS.

And the writing. Some of it is acceptable, some of it is redundant and pointless. Outside of a few errors which really weren't enough to make me care, The way information is presented, the redundancy of telling me the same information back to back. It's not something I could read for fun, even if I liked the story and characters.

OVERALL

If you want other people to read this, you need to put some major work into your craft.
Would like u to review my first novel I don’t know what to think of it.
My novel totally not a isekai novel
Hope u enjoy it or Atleast give me some criticism.
RATING: Would Not Keep Reading


THE CRITIQUE


There's some major bafflement going on. Obviously the point is to provide commentary and be "meta". But also, what?

Obi rolls her eyes at him. "Of course not, Ni San! This isn't some anime, you know?" Is this a trope in anime? Having to take cold showers? I don't think it is, but let's assume you're right. In the text you tell us that this happens frequently, so why would that be the reaction? "That thing I normally do? Ha, this isn't an anime." Hiro, the resident otaku, blushes in embarrassment. "Fine, just wake me up next time." Why would he blush because she said anime? And why would he expect her to wake him up? In fact, someone has to take a bath first, why would that even apply to this situation. And then he proceeds to have a cold shower even though we were just told she didn't use the hot water.

The entire thing is written to the mental capacity of like, a ten year old. Everything is very broad and very blatant. At every point we are told in the most straightforward way possible what a character is thinking or feeling. It's impossible for us to go two sentences without someone doing something overly expressive-- blushing, roling thier eyes, smiling, or just telling us directly what they're feeling. It's almost childlike in that respect, like your audience can't understand unless you squatt down and do baby talk.

In other words, it's tell don't show taken to a far extreme. I'd have the same feeling if you were communicating in memes, if that makes sense. Which brings me back to sentence one. It's not paraody or even being meta. It seems like you've taken the language (anime) of what people are familiar with and are just using the stereotypes and expectations without having to create those emotions and story beats on your own.

OVERALL

I made it halfway. I just couldn't.
 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
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So..here it goes..
Thank you very much
Chapter 1 (Not Prologue). RATING: Back To Basics

CRITIQUE:


Some very obtuse phrasing:

The heck. I know that most highly annoying and irritating voice.

They have probably noticed my reddish face (which may be either from irritation or blushing).
We're being told from the character's perspective. Why would they not be sure about information, about themeselves? Also and as a general rule: don't use parathensis to convey information directly related to the text.

Tense switching:


Suddenly, both Ginger and Sandra grab my hand.

Some general confusion in presentation. Is this a novel or a script. Scene trasnitions in brackets, speech information conveyed with asterixs. Random bolding. If you want to emphasize specific words, that's what italics are for.

OVERALL:

It's all over the place. Constantant deluges of information make it impossible to follow. I mean this literally when it reads like ADHD.
 
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