Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

darkocean

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May 3, 2023
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Are you still doing reviews? Would you look at my first chapter? I just revised it a little while ago. Thank you!

Soul Tear
 

undertale50bs

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Hear ye, hear ye. The old thread is dead, long live this thread.

After two years+, I am unable to edit the very first post and update my "Best of List" shoutout, so I have created a new thread.

The Rules are the same. Submit a link to your first chapter (or prologue) and I will give you a critique as well as a rating. There are no requirements and I will read anything. If I miss your story, it was by accident- just send me a message.

THE V2 BEST OF LIST

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
5. A Meeting of the Ways https://www.scribblehub.com/series/700231/a-meeting-of-the-ways/

Be Sure to Check out my Other Thread for my Youtube Channel
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw
 

LordTrillium

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Just revised my first chapter, would be good to get your thoughts.

 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
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133
This is a story I wanted to continue but couldn’t find the motivation.
I think it is too generic.
Rating: Would not Keep Reading.

THE GOOD


I didn't find this generic at all, in fact I think the ideas presented here are very interesting. A family hog tieing this man and driving him to a magical land is really fun. I want to see more of this kind of stuff in fact. So many people write their portal fantasy the same way, start their LitRPG's in this copy and past manner. Get weird, get interesting.

And you know what? Even the start being a road trip thorugh South Dakota. That's eclectic too.

You get full marks for the attempt.

NEEDS IMPROVEMENT

Now the other side of the coin: the presentation. I don't think you manage to convey anything in an effective manner. The writing is minimalistic to the point where it becomes a problem. We don't get any personality or depth. It's all "I did this, I did that. This happened." Almost like a caveman story. And that isn't the case through the entire thing. There are flashes of personality or character voice where he comments on how empty SD was.

And if we're talking about adding stuff, the character could be punched up as well. I got to the end and realized the solider in the title was based on this fantasy thing at the end. I started back at the top looking to see where it said HE was a soldier, but it never did. I guess I assumed that based on the title combined with the ungabunga writing, but you don't establish your character.

OVERALL

If you treat this like an outline, then there's so much you can do with this chapter.
Are you still doing reviews? Would you look at my first chapter? I just revised it a little while ago. Thank you!

Soul Tear
RATING: Back to Basics

This evoked an incredible amount of confusion. I'm thinking this is a case where the writer has a clear picture in their head of what's going on but that doesn't translate because they are ignoring what the reader knows.

Merryn's hair whipped past her face, and the wind chilled her cheeks and arms. As an openig line this is fine. It doesn't tell us anything, but it sets a high energy, media res opening. You do use the word "chill" twice. She blinked away the annoying wetness forced out by the force of the wind. I have no idea what this says. It's moon man talk. They placed the portal above the city! I can't believe this! And here is where it just falls apart. The prior sentence, I think you're doing a bad job of talking about a storm, but now? Who is they? What city? Is the portal related to the storm? You haven't even told us what all the wind and water is about and you're already moved on to portals. The roar of the wind, only outdone by her heart rate as it slammed in her ears. Sentence fragment and sloppy. We already know about the wind so that's redundant. All that leaves us is telling us she's excited/worried/etc. But you did just have her narrate a line with an exclamation point so this all just feels like filler.

Overly ornate trees peppered the city below. What does this mean? Are you say there are trees below, or are you saying trees are flying through the air crashing into the city? She flattened her arms against her body and aimed for the tallest one below. So she's in the air??? I'm so lost at this point. You haven't established a single fact. I'm going to be so much as a smear on the street; easy does it... Fine in context.

Seconds later, she fell into it and crashed through several branches, and managed to catch the last one. You split the pronoun here. It modifies a noun from two sentences ago which is confusing. At least in the context of what's going on in my head, things are tracking. The small pack on her back slid and bumped the back of her head. I guess this is to point out that she has a pack? In another context, it would be an active way of doing it, but here it doesn't work because it's just madness and we have no idea what's going on. We have 2,700 questions and you're talking about a backpack. Her fingers slipped, and she stumbled onto the cobblestone walkway. What. Her fingers slipped so she stumbls? Only a few scrapes, am truly lucky today. Maybe this mission will go as planned. What mission. What is happening.

A deep tremor wracked her body; she collapsed in the shade of the tree and waited for it to pass... What does this mean? Does she have a disease. This is coming off the heals of telling us she just has some scrapes. Shouldn't have let the elders talk me into this. Switching from a priestess of light to a dire thief will send my soul to the hells for sure. Sure. You place it further back so we understand this is backstory even if it isn't helpful at this moment.

The people who passed, ignored her, as if on a set route they couldn't deviate from. Every face empty and void of light, as if they were clay golems pretending to be people. None of this makes sense. You might as well be writing in another language. The hairs on her neck raised, and she rubbed the spot until the sensation went away. This is the most baffling thing so far. You interrupt. . . something to point out. . . something. Why wasn't I told this? She edged away.
Rating: Would not Keep Reading.

Off the top, there are some formatting issues. Maybe with copy and paste. Weird paragraph brakes, extra spaces. If it looks right in your document try to paste without formatting. If that's what you did, just copy normally.

THINGS I LIKED

The bit about the fishooks was intersting. When you include a weird detail like that that is extremely intetnional, it creates interest. Tell me more.

NEEDS WORK

There are several straight errors. Missing words for example: He withdraws hand and strikes himself

Past the objective, there are subjective word choice I don't get. "Euphoric Christmas lights." That's. . . odd.

Your start also suffers from a lack of establishment. There's a being? That isn't human. What is it? Why does the character/ narrative voice view it as non-human. Especially with the words you've chosen, you need to describe what makes it non-human.

And then I gave up at the POV switch. We didn't have a foundation before and all of the sudden it's the future? And a guy is doing stuff and it's all crazy. It feels disconnected with the previous section and you've lost me.

OVERALL

Establish your scenes people. If you write a full page and your reader can't tell you who, what, where, when, and why, something is wrong.

Just revised my first chapter, would be good to get your thoughts.

RATING: Middle of the Road so Would Not Keep Reading

THE ONLY CRITIQUE SECTION


This is in that unfortunate lurch of things I've literally read 100 times. I know what it is the second I start reading and I continue to sit there passively until the writer can surprise me. Maybe there's an interesting wrinkle. Maybe the character is gelling with me. Maybe the writing is just so good I want to keep going. What is the hook? Essentially.

And I don't want you to get down on that last point. From a writing perspective, it's competent. It just doesn't reach a level where the writing becomes enjoyable independently.

OVERALL

It's alright and people might verywell like it, but it's just not for me. I crave more than what I've been given.
 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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May 25th was the last time I did a set of these. HOLY CRAP.
I would welcome any feedback! You can post it as a comment/review on the work if that suits.
View attachment 18884
Little Bamboo: A Cultivation Story
Definitely covered this on RR.
Hello. I don't know if you'll look at both of my drafts for an isekai litRPG, but any feedback is welcome.
I did the first one. I only ever do one at a time and you didn't specify.

RATING: Would keep reading.

THE GOOD

The character voice, snappiness, and general attempts at clever description at humor/description had me engaged. At times, rivited. There were two sentences I looked at and studied a bit because they had so much energy to them. There were times when you absolutely nailed your intent.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

Any connection i had to the plot or character was pretty lacking. It jumped around, felt a bit scatter brained, and some of that style conflicted with those elements.

OVERALL

I think you took something very commonplace type of chapter and elevated it through a real attempt to entertain with style. I don' think it's necessarily a great introduction to a story
I posted this on another thread so I know this is gonna be bad. I even stopped writing it but will be dropping it here to improve and hopefully write my next story better.

Oh, and thank you for doing this!


Hardly the worst thing ever which is wht you had me prepared for, but. . .

RATING: Would not Keep Reading.

Critique

There's a lot going on here so I'm going to keep things as general as possible. I think the key issue you're running into is creating a foundation for your reader and making sure that scenes have clear identitites.

When you introduce us to O-Dei and Rex, it's confusing. The "other side" makes me think the speaker? Because we're hearing someone say O-dei on a telephone (to keep the terminology simple. It made it seem like Rex was the feminine voice, but obviously that's not right so I start off being confused who's who and where each character is.

Something like this:

"O-Dei"

A girl shook herself from the daydream, her name sounding on the wireless. "Rex," she responded. "I'm sorry? You're status?"


More clear AND shorter. Shrinks 39 words down to 21.

You start talking about "a man" in that same section. I thought it was Rex at first because he's the only other character in the scene, but no. And she responds by thinking that it would insure success. . . . What would? What is happening.

OVERALL

There is a startling disconnect between what the writer means and what the reader is getting out of the words.

RATING: Weak would keep reading.

THE GOOD

I'm a little conflicted about the start since it goes on so long. Generally, it's an okay idea I haven't seen a lot though. Think Shrek. Couple of pages and then we get moving. With that said, the ending being mysterious and secretive was interesting and did pique my interest a bit.

I also think you consistently meet the minimum of what it needs to have. You have the dieing grandma character, great. You have some interactions with friends great.

THE WEAK

There's no glaring issues or parts that I look at and say "this specific thing needs improvement." Your work is generally fine.

OVERALL

Good without really trying to be great. A stronger recommendation would require something that speaks to me or really entertains.
Hey, I would really appreciate feedbacks for my novel, "The World of the Unknown ".
Here's the first chapter: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/808269-the-world-of-the-unknown/chapter/808275/
Ps: It would be better if you read the synopsis first so here's the link to that:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/808269/the-world-of-the-unknown/
I read synopsis as asked. It gave me a vague imperssion of what to expect but it's far too vague and meandering. It made me a bit worried to read the story.

RATING: Back to Basics

THE GOOD


Points for originality.

NEEDS WORK

There's a ton of syntax errors. You're use of commas is mostly not here. Following strict grammatical rules in artistic prose isn't necessary, but the flow has to work. And it typically doesn't. Some additional mechanical problems as well, like I saw tense swap in paragraph two "has v. had".

And about the point where we saw the five year old girl on the hill, I was completely lost. Absolutely no clue what was happening. There's a five year old then she goes into a house and there's a nine year old. Oh and apparently it's day, you never specifiy but every premier I've seen is at night and that was in my head. And she runs into this house in a dangerous situation even though she's a billionaire with I assume guards and a driver. Where are they?

OVERALL

Focus on getting your ideas accross clearly and put yourself in the mind of your reader the best you can. We don't know what you mean or what is happening unless you tell us.
 
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D

Deleted member 131598

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@TheTrinary, Well first of all, thank you for checking out the first chapter. I believe I've actually stated that the billionaire (main mc) due to tiredness, during the commute from the venue to her house, has actually fallen into a 'slumber'. After that I've described the five year old self as through her dreams (that 5 yr old is the Mc but it's known later on, as the reader reads further). It just shows a little past of the Mc through her older self's dreams (the 5yr old). Still, I'm grateful for the feedback! I'll try to work on that.
Ps: It's definitely a premiere night, but the dream she's having is set during the daytime.
The nine year old girl is someone different. That's gonna be revealed in the later chapters. And as the Mc isn't yet famous and is literally a child, there's no guards or anything!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/808269/the-world-of-the-unknown/
 
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Kakurenbo

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Thank you for the thought in advance
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
974
Points
133
@TheTrinary, Well first of all, thank you for checking out the first chapter. I believe I've actually stated that the billionaire (main mc) due to tiredness, during the commute from the venue to her house, has actually fallen into a 'slumber'. After that I've described the five year old self as through her dreams (that 5 yr old is the Mc but it's known later on, as the reader reads further). It just shows a little past of the Mc through her older self's dreams (the 5yr old). Still, I'm grateful for the feedback! I'll try to work on that.
Ps: It's definitely a premiere night, but the dream she's having is set during the daytime.
The nine year old girl is someone different. That's gonna be revealed in the later chapters. And as the Mc isn't yet famous and is literally a child, there's no guards or anything!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/808269/the-world-of-the-unknown/
I'm more confused now than ever.

Thank you for the thought in advance
I am so very sure that I've read this before.
 
D

Deleted member 131598

Guest
@TheTrinary, Well should I tone it down? The Mc is super famous and rich now. While returning home, she falls asleep and sees her younger self in her dream. She basically has a nightmare which consists of a scenario during her childhood. As straight as a stick. Voila!
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
974
Points
133
@TheTrinary, Well should I tone it down? The Mc is super famous and rich now. While returning home, she falls asleep and sees her younger self in her dream. She basically has a nightmare which consists of a scenario during her childhood. As straight as a stick. Voila!
The issue isn't the content but the conveyance of information. What's in your head did not come through whatsoever through the page.
 
Joined
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Yo, you still doing reviews? If so could you please do mine?
 
Joined
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Always willing to hear some feedback!
 
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