Free First Chapter Feedback

[Businesssn]

I haven’t read it

 

[SaganMan]

My first writing, all tips are welcome.

 

[TheTrinary]

My first writing, all tips are welcome.

You have some issues with writing.

Verb tense is picked at random. You constantly forgot to put "the" or "a" in front of words. The dialogue is stilted. And everything feels rushed.

 

[SaganMan]

You have some issues with writing.

Verb tense is picked at random. You constantly forgot to put "the" or "a" in front of words. The dialogue is stilted. And everything feels rushed.

I see. Thank you. I will try to improve.

 

[Tessa_Renalds]

Trinary,
I know you’ve looked at it already, but can you look at Traveler’s first few paragraphs one more time?
I changed a few words and contexts to flow a bit better—just wanted a quick look over to make sure it wasn’t as confusing as last time.
I’m also trying to work out the ending a bit more, maybe place the last few paragraphs after she fell into the second chapter. It’s a slow work in progress. Just wanted to make sure that the beginning looked good tho.

 

[TheTrinary]

Trinary,
I know you’ve looked at it already, but can you look at Traveler’s first few paragraphs one more time?
I changed a few words and contexts to flow a bit better—just wanted a quick look over to make sure it wasn’t as confusing as last time.
I’m also trying to work out the ending a bit more, maybe place the last few paragraphs after she fell into the second chapter. It’s a slow work in progress. Just wanted to make sure that the beginning looked good tho.

I don't remember the specifics of reading it the first time, so this is pretty much a fresh take.

But I read about one page. There wasn't anything confusing and it read quite nicely. There was actually one use early on of a semicolon that worked very very well despite not being the standard use for that punctuation. Let me know if you want anything more specific, but if its just a matter of clarity and readability, you're golden.

 

[Tessa_Renalds]

I don't remember the specifics of reading it the first time, so this is pretty much a fresh take.

But I read about one page. There wasn't anything confusing and it read quite nicely. There was actually one use early on of a semicolon that worked very very well despite not being the standard use for that punctuation. Let me know if you want anything more specific, but if its just a matter of clarity and readability, you're golden.

Yay! That’s what’s I was looking for! Yes!
I was fixing the confusing bits, but I’m happy to hear that it’s clear and has readability!
actually, fun fact I was looking at that semi colon {I know exactly which spot you’re talking about}, and it just sort of worked in a weird surprising way. I decided to keep it instead of rewording the whole thing. Yay for weird grammar and punctuation placements!

 

[TheTrinary]

Yay! That’s what’s I was looking for! Yes!
I was fixing the confusing bits, but I’m happy to hear that it’s clear and has readability!
actually, fun fact I was looking at that semi colon {I know exactly which spot you’re talking about}, and it just sort of worked in a weird surprising way. I decided to keep it instead of rewording the whole thing. Yay for weird grammar and punctuation placements!

Hooray for weird punctuation! Hooray for style!

 

[Sairren]

I would like to offer my first first chapter up to the chopping block, if you wouldn't mind reading it.
The first chapter is "1. Wyvern Assault", I hope that you'll enjoy it and thank you for the opportunity.

Drunks & Fanatics

Freshly anointed cleric Tessa Vivuk aspires to be a Hero after having been saved by one as a child. But when she attempts to join the Heroes' Guild, the doors are shut on her. Unwilling to give up, she joins the Adventurers' Guild and believes she can earn enough recognition...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

I would like to offer my first first chapter up to the chopping block, if you wouldn't mind reading it.
The first chapter is "1. Wyvern Assault", I hope that you'll enjoy it and thank you for the opportunity.

Drunks & Fanatics

Freshly anointed cleric Tessa Vivuk aspires to be a Hero after having been saved by one as a child. But when she attempts to join the Heroes' Guild, the doors are shut on her. Unwilling to give up, she joins the Adventurers' Guild and believes she can earn enough recognition...

www.scribblehub.com

This is going to be a different kind of critique, because you've got it. It's well structured. It's well paced. You've got your exciting action, and I like the different ideas it has. BUT, there are some issues with the presentation.

I would almost need to do an inline critique to explain everything 100%, but essentially there are these weird janky areas that bring down what is otherwise fantastic. The action will just stop to repeat something you've already described. You'll head jump at really awkward times. You'll choose a word that doesn't match the tone or pace.

It's all very, very small stuff, and it seems nitpicky compared to the kinds of criticisms I normally give on here, but when you otherwise nail it, those sections really stick out by comparison.

So I wouldn't recommend it as is, but it's like 90% of the way there. You are one passthrough from being an easy recommendation. All the story telling parts are right, you just need your writing to match that same sense of excitement and pace.

And here, I'll give you an example just to show you what I mean:

"Aerin didn’t waste another moment. Scrambling to his feet, Aerin ran to the bell stationed at their post, beating it desperately. In moments, other stations soon saw what was approaching or were alerted by the bell’s frantic tune and took notice of what was on the horizon. It wasn’t long before the alarm rang loudly throughout the city. The nearing screeches of monstrous dragonkin on the horizon sent the guards into a frenzy, frantically running along the walls. Rumors spread among them that this might be the city’s final day."

Two things here. You construct this entire scene with these guards and end it with them realizing the impending doom and ringing the bell to alert the city. But then you immediately state that the other guards also saw it, rending our characters seeing it and alerting the city moot.

If everyone else just also sees it, then the entire scene you've constructed has no purpose. Your main characters frantically ring the bells, and then then in the background you just hear the other guard stations ringing their alarms in response. That's all you need. It kills the forward moment and sense of panic when you start adding in "oh yes, others saw it too Here's what they feel/ think about it." That's another idea entirely.

In the same vein, the last sentence of that paragraph. "Rumors spread. . . ." It's good to know that the impending doom of the city is taking so long to get here that there is time for people to run around and spread rumors. One character is screaming at the other to ring the bell like his life is depending on it, but then people are just going to the local bar to talk about it I guess.

Two steps forward, one step back. You establish this huge sense of danger and urgency, and then uncut it. The character's perceptions are irrelevant and that there's really no urgency.

 

[Sairren]

This is going to be a different kind of critique, because you've got it. It's well structured. It's well paced. You've got your exciting action, and I like the different ideas it has. BUT, there are some issues with the presentation.

I would almost need to do an inline critique to explain everything 100%, but essentially there are these weird janky areas that bring down what is otherwise fantastic. The action will just stop to repeat something you've already described. You'll head jump at really awkward times. You'll choose a word that doesn't match the tone or pace.

It's all very, very small stuff, and it seems nitpicky compared to the kinds of criticisms I normally give on here, but when you otherwise nail it, those sections really stick out by comparison.

So I wouldn't recommend it as is, but it's like 90% of the way there. You are one passthrough from being an easy recommendation. All the story telling parts are right, you just need your writing to match that same sense of excitement and pace.

And here, I'll give you an example just to show you what I mean:

"Aerin didn’t waste another moment. Scrambling to his feet, Aerin ran to the bell stationed at their post, beating it desperately. In moments, other stations soon saw what was approaching or were alerted by the bell’s frantic tune and took notice of what was on the horizon. It wasn’t long before the alarm rang loudly throughout the city. The nearing screeches of monstrous dragonkin on the horizon sent the guards into a frenzy, frantically running along the walls. Rumors spread among them that this might be the city’s final day."

Two things here. You construct this entire scene with these guards and end it with them realizing the impending doom and ringing the bell to alert the city. But then you immediately state that the other guards also saw it, rending our characters seeing it and alerting the city moot.

If everyone else just also sees it, then the entire scene you've constructed has no purpose. Your main characters frantically ring the bells, and then then in the background you just hear the other guard stations ringing their alarms in response. That's all you need. It kills the forward moment and sense of panic when you start adding in "oh yes, others saw it too Here's what they feel/ think about it." That's another idea entirely.

In the same vein, the last sentence of that paragraph. "Rumors spread. . . ." It's good to know that the impending doom of the city is taking so long to get here that there is time for people to run around and spread rumors. One character is screaming at the other to ring the bell like his life is depending on it, but then people are just going to the local bar to talk about it I guess.

Two steps forward, one step back. You establish this huge sense of danger and urgency, and then uncut it. The character's perceptions are irrelevant and that there's really no urgency.

I have literally just gotten' home and read this. And this actually helps a lot, because I have issues at the moment with getting people to both read and give useful feedback. (q wq)

But I can get to fixing it quite soon. The idea that probably didn't get transferred well is that the characters at the start are spreading awareness of the monsters on the horizon. As in, their bell goes off and then other guard stations start hounding off one after another.

As for it being "nitpicky", don't worry about it. I do go over every chapter myself after writing, but I can only see so much. I'm avidly needing fresh eyes on it and telling me, "This part here needs some fixing." I'm never against adding or adjusting the text so long as the message itself is not changed at the core.

It is currently 1:21 AM where I am, so I may end up editing this reply to say, "Fixed it! Hopefully!" before you respond.

Edit: I went back and made, what I think are, appropriate changes. It now reads:

"Aerin didn’t waste another moment and scrambled to his feet, running to the bell stationed at their post. He beat it desperately, panicking but hoping the other posts would get the message. Seconds passed. Then a minute. Then another. Aerin refused to stop hitting the bell, praying someone would hear him. Another minute passed, and then it started to connect. The alarm began to echo from post to post and soon the entire city could hear the alarm going off. With the nearing screeches of monstrous dragonkin growing ever closer, the guards frantically ran along the wall with a desperate call to evacuate sent to those on the ground."

 

[EncryptedWriting]

Heh, I volunteer!
Patient 227

 

[Eroningen]

Day after

Shera woke up with someone else in her bed, and soon realizes last night was a lot wilder than she'd bargained for. This is the story of two women exploring their newfound love for each other, both in and out of bed. ---------------- Some additional tags/disclaimers/warnings: While this...

www.scribblehub.com

Please be harsh/nitpicky if you have the energy for it

I'd like to humbly request you also check chapter 2 since I've been considering merging chapter 1 and 2 and would like to see if that works better or worse. It's fine if you don't, since it's out of scope for this post anyway.

Also this does start with one of the MCs waking up, though hopefully in a different context from what you've been referring to in this thread.

Lastly, I'd just like to say I highly appreciate you and people like you that have both the skill, patience and willingness to give feedback like this with such consistency. I've been reading/skimming through this entire post, and some of the critique you've given has helped me as well, and gives me hope that I can someday write as well as some of the authors I look up to!

 

[TheTrinary]

Heh, I volunteer!
Patient 227

First and foremost, thank you for posting this. I wrote something similar recently, but it's impossible to be objective about your own stuff. Reading yours really gave me a lot of insight on this kind of story telling.

Now to the point: I think this kind of story telling doesn't work for a few reasons. 1st, there's a cognitive dissonance with the narrator. The majority of the chapter is the MC being out of sorts and trying to figure out what's going on. They literally say at one point that they have more time to describe their surroundings now. It makes sense from their point of view, but it doesn't work for the audience.

No matter how weird your story is or how novel the starting place, the sit and describe method just doesn't click. Every time you open up a new story, we as the audience are trying to figure out what's going on. Normally, we are doing that as things are happening naturally and the characters are going on about their life. But in the kind of story you and I have written, we're forgoing a lot of the story telling to ground the audience and establish a scene.

Off the top of my head, there's dozens of ways to do that, but the easiest would be a conflict. Even in the language of trying to figure out what's going on you can have conflict. Have the relationship with the doctors be aggressive with the MC actively trying to figure out what's going on. Have that push and pull present. Your character can be lost, but they need to be doing physical actions to remedy it– not just thinking.

Now with all that said, it does seem moderately interesting and it's short enough that the way its told is pretty inoffensive. This is the sort of thing I'd read a chapter 2 on before making a determination.

 

[99blueroses]

Do you read BL? If so, please do mine. If not, that's fine as well. Thank you!

 

[TheTrinary]

Day after

Shera woke up with someone else in her bed, and soon realizes last night was a lot wilder than she'd bargained for. This is the story of two women exploring their newfound love for each other, both in and out of bed. ---------------- Some additional tags/disclaimers/warnings: While this...

www.scribblehub.com

Please be harsh/nitpicky if you have the energy for it

I'd like to humbly request you also check chapter 2 since I've been considering merging chapter 1 and 2 and would like to see if that works better or worse. It's fine if you don't, since it's out of scope for this post anyway.

Also this does start with one of the MCs waking up, though hopefully in a different context from what you've been referring to in this thread.

Lastly, I'd just like to say I highly appreciate you and people like you that have both the skill, patience and willingness to give feedback like this with such consistency. I've been reading/skimming through this entire post, and some of the critique you've given has helped me as well, and gives me hope that I can someday write as well as some of the authors I look up to!

Well that was delightful on the whole and I would recommend it.

I would combine chapters 1 and 2. They really do go together and they're pretty short. It seems more natural than splitting them.

In terms of critique, your issues are all in the way of line editing as opposed to larger concept. You have a few issues with formatting (like when you included one characters inner monologue in the same paragraph as another character's speech) and small stuff like that. Word choice in a couple places if we're being picky, a weird capitalization here or there. It's all really small stuff and to get into it, I'd basically need to do track changes which this site isn't made for.

I think you nailed the tone, and as you point out, the whole "waking up" thing is done differently here and is completely appropriate.

If you really want to have your work raked over the coals and get specific feedback, I'd recommend finding a beta reader or editor you trust. If that's too daunting, you can try out Scribophile. It's a lot of work, but if you're specific with what you want, you'll get some amazing critiques by writers who take themselves pretty seriously.

Do you read BL? If so, please do mine. If not, that's fine as well. Thank you!

Oh boy. You really undersold it with BL didn't ya. I've heard of Omegaverse, never actually ready anything though.

So there's really two points to make here. 1st, this is for a very specific audience both in genre and in the nature of the MC you set up. I'm not going to go so far as to call your MC good, but I can at least recognize that they are filling a niche and that he will speak to some people. So conceptually, I do think there is a certain audience that will jive with this.

On the other side, I see two big problems. First, your prose has time issues. You swap tenses seemingly at random. You do it so often, it's actually somewhat confusing that the rest is as well written as it is. You're use of tense is so inconsistent and all over the place, you normally only see that with people who can't fundamentally write at all. Which, once again, isn't the case. If you fixed those issues, I think the prose would be serviceable for what you have.

And the second issue I have is some of the character dialogue. A fair chunk of it again isn't what I would call could, but plays to the genre and audience. However, there are some swaths of dialogue that are hard to read. I don't want to be mean, but some of this really reads like someone fantasizing about how people talk, when in reality, no one would everrrrrrrr talk that way: either in word choice or the way its delivered.

"Yeah, fuck them gender roles." Breathy, almost a whisper, but the bride-to-be said it.
This is enough, he thought to himself. She finding love is enough for both of us.

So anyway, that's my take. Clean up the prose and some of the rough edges and its entirely suitable for the audience you have in mind.

 

[Eroningen]

LOL, okay! Yeah, the font was really fucking weird and I couldn't find a way on Canva to vertical text other than that one box. When I pressed in any closer to force the apostrophe to maybe look more correct, it just ended up making the text box look worse. ;(

This is a bit late, but one thing you could do is just use an image editor and just move it down. I can't remember the exact way it looked, but from memory most of that side was pure black?

Well that was delightful on the whole and I would recommend it.

Thanks a lot! Just having you (and others) give my work honest and generally postive reviews have really helped with my small but still significant impostor syndrome.

I'll check out scribophile, but I guess I'll also ask since I'm a bit unsure: Is there any recommended way I could go about finding a beta reader/editor? And how likely would it be to find someone willing to do that work for free (at least until I get something like patreon sorted)?

Last (and least), some questions I had while reading your post: what do you mean by "line editing" and "track changes"? I'll probably google them, but I figured I'll just ask here while I'm at it.

 

[Nymus]

Sounds intriguing, please take a look at:

A Gaijin In Another World

thank you 4 ur effort, i appreciate

 

[TheTrinary]

Last (and least), some questions I had while reading your post: what do you mean by "line editing" and "track changes"? I'll probably google them, but I figured I'll just ask here while I'm at it.

Track changes is a feature in writing documents (and what Scribophile uses) that allows a second party to edit the document. It gives a series of tools and symbols like strike through and side comments. It's also all in a different color so it's super easy to see.

So line editing. There are three different kinds of editing. Professional editors will do each type independently, although some works might need the bigger picture stuff. So theoretically, some authors getting published professionally (cough, Lindsey Ellis) will get 3 pass throughs on their work by their agency.

With all that said, line editing refers to the minute kind of editing. Line by line, word by word.

 

[WritingAbomination]

I would be interested in a first chapter review. Be merciless if you need to!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/253773/potions-sugar-ashes/