Free First Chapter Feedback

[LinMeili]

Again, non-native and every resource I used (dict.leo, Merriam-Webster, Cambridge dictionary, and a few others) tells me that 'overall is singular, while 'overalls' is the plural of the clothing. Unfortunately, unless somebody tells me that it is not commonly used that way I have to trust these resources.

I checked it myself and overalls is the correct term.

 

[WasatchWind]

Okay. 10 - 14. So let's break this down.

The way your present the story and write it is all over the place in terms of age range. If youre looking at 10 - 14, you're in the range of harry potter, redwall, and chronicles of Narnia.

Let's start with the opening prologue. It's a slog regardless of age. Its pure exposition and is really bogged down by politics and history. It would be a problem aimed at an older audience. A younger audience? They don't care about the specifics on political intrigue. I actually thought aobut the Star Wars opening text crawl because that reminded me a lot about it.

Here is what was used:

It is a period of civil war.
Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Rebel
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Empire's
ultimate weapon, the DEATH
STAR, an armored space
station with enough power to
destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Leia races home aboard her
starship, custodian of the
stolen plans that can save
her people and restore
freedom to the galaxy.…

Now here is the original that George Lucas wrote because George Lucas is a hack:

It is a period of civil wars in the galaxy. A brave alliance of underground freedom fighters has challenged the tyranny and oppression of the awesome GALACTIC EMPIRE. Striking from a fortress hidden among the billion stars of the galaxy, rebel spaceships have won their first victory in a battle with the powerful Imperial Starfleet. The EMPIRE fears that another defeat could bring a thousand more solar systems into the rebellion, and Imperial control over the galaxy would be lost forever. To crush the rebellion once and for all, the EMPIRE is constructing a sinister new battle station. Powerful enough to destroy an entire planet, its completion spells certain doom for the champions of freedom.

One is exciting and sets the stage, talks about the conflicts. The other is boring politics.

And that sort of feeling permeates a lot of your writing. There are weird focuses and a lot of stuff that just isn't right for that age group. And that goes both ways, because sometimes your writing goes the other way and is too young for the age group. When you describe his suit you say: "It was mostly gray with strips of gray on it." . . . okay? You go for super short sentences and super short paragraphs. The way you write it feels like youre writing for a younger audience.

You should read the first Harry Potter, read Narnia, read Redwall. Look how authors write to that age range and try to emulate it. It needs some sophistication. It needs a lot of fun. You got to have danger and stakes, but not too scary.

I think the idea is very good and fun and I see what you're going for. It's just matching the tone of your idea now.

For some reason I read George's original crawl in that cliche 1930's newsreel voice. xD

 

[Lentin]

Could you do a review for mine please?
I kinda consider the first two chapters as chapter 1 because it goes along with the synopsis.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/263435/steel-behemoth-thrill/

 

[erintesden]

My first chapter is purely for meeting the characters, the plot doesnt kick until later.

Valiant Phantasm - Morgan Selbair | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Erios909]

ShipCore - A1 – Chapter 1 – Awakening | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Agentt]

Eh, can you do me please?

 

[BenJepheneT]

Eh, can you do me please?

 

[TheTrinary]

Could you do a review for mine please?
I kinda consider the first two chapters as chapter 1 because it goes along with the synopsis.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/263435/steel-behemoth-thrill/

This one is going to be a no from me.


Your opening scene reads like parody. It's so over the top and you just slather that metaphor on. I genuinely thought this was going to be a comedy based on how it starts. Like, your main character's name is Buggy. That isn't a real name. But lo and behold, this story takes itself pretty seriously in the first chapter.

I found the fact that it wasn't a dream sequence was interesting, just like how I found the final hook to be interesting, but the execution doesn't match that quality in premise.

I mean, the second scene immediately starts out with your two characters talking, and the second paragraph says something like "and then character B caught back up minutes later. He was in a fight and had the crap beaten out of him. What? There is essentially a second break that isn't even acknowledged where a major event happens off screen and is shrugged off in one sentence. You also split the prepositional phrase so I genuinely didn't know who was in the fight for a couple of sentences.

In the end, you have a second fight (why are there two fights) and you say that the MC got his ass beat for 15 minutes straight. People don't fight for fifteen minutes. Your main character is dead.

Based on thumbing through the second chapter, it IS supposed to a whacky mad cap comedy, but the tone of the first chapter doesn't match that at all. You have these extreme elements that could be funny in a certain context, but you don't put them in that context so the entire thing comes off like it was written by an alien who doesn't quite understand human stories.

So either do 1 of 2 things: Keep it 100% straight and grounded until the twist or acknowledge right away that its a comedy, because what you have hurts my brain a little.

My first chapter is purely for meeting the characters, the plot doesnt kick until later.

Valiant Phantasm - Morgan Selbair | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

It's perfectly acceptable. I would lump it into the group of: Would read exactly one more chapter to see if anything starts to happen.

I don't mind the idea of just doing character work for a couple pages to start things off. If you are going to do that though, I would recommend punching it up a bit. Make those characters stronger and give us a little more. But like I said, I'd read one more. Your characters feel like real human beings so why not see how the other elements of your story are even if I'm not hooked.

ShipCore - A1 – Chapter 1 – Awakening | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Yeah that was solid. Would recommend.

I've said it before, but anytime you see someone who's good at writing you can tell right away. There's little nuisances and style choices that let you know right away that what you're reading has quality. I'm not in love with it, but for a site like this it's still a big ole thumbs up.

Eh, can you do me please?

You have six series posted. Which one?

Or should I also post a blushy face.

 

[Agentt]

This one is going to be a no from me.


Your opening scene reads like parody. It's so over the top and you just slather that metaphor on. I genuinely thought this was going to be a comedy based on how it starts. Like, your main character's name is Buggy. That isn't a real name. But lo and behold, this story takes itself pretty seriously in the first chapter.

I found the fact that it wasn't a dream sequence was interesting, just like how I found the final hook to be interesting, but the execution doesn't match that quality in premise.

I mean, the second scene immediately starts out with your two characters talking, and the second paragraph says something like "and then character B caught back up minutes later. He was in a fight and had the crap beaten out of him. What? There is essentially a second break that isn't even acknowledged where a major event happens off screen and is shrugged off in one sentence. You also split the prepositional phrase so I genuinely didn't know who was in the fight for a couple of sentences.

In the end, you have a second fight (why are there two fights) and you say that the MC got his ass beat for 15 minutes straight. People don't fight for fifteen minutes. Your main character is dead.

Based on thumbing through the second chapter, it IS supposed to a whacky mad cap comedy, but the tone of the first chapter doesn't match that at all. You have these extreme elements that could be funny in a certain context, but you don't put them in that context so the entire thing comes off like it was written by an alien who doesn't quite understand human stories.

So either do 1 of 2 things: Keep it 100% straight and grounded until the twist or acknowledge right away that its a comedy, because what you have hurts my brain a little.

It's perfectly acceptable. I would lump it into the group of: Would read exactly one more chapter to see if anything starts to happen.

I don't mind the idea of just doing character work for a couple pages to start things off. If you are going to do that though, I would recommend punching it up a bit. Make those characters stronger and give us a little more. But like I said, I'd read one more. Your characters feel like real human beings so why not see how the other elements of your story are even if I'm not hooked.

Yeah that was solid. Would recommend.

I've said it before, but anytime you see someone who's good at writing you can tell right away. There's little nuisances and style choices that let you know right away that what you're reading has quality. I'm not in love with it, but for a site like this it's still a big ole thumbs up.

You have six series posted. Which one?

Or should I also post a blushy face.

Oh, the one in my signature.

 

[Lentin]

Thanks for the feedback

You have these extreme elements that could be funny in a certain context, but you don't put them in that context so the entire thing comes off like it was written by an alien who doesn't quite understand human stories

I have trouble writing comedy and human emotions sometimes in my novels. My humor is really sh*t too

He was in a fight and had the crap beaten out of him. What? There is essentially a second break that isn't even acknowledged where a major event happens off screen and is shrugged off in one sentence. You also split the prepositional phrase so I genuinely didn't know who was in the fight for a couple of sentences.

Yeah, I should have structured that paragraph properly. Would it be better if I had actually written about the previous fight that Kacy had?

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks for the feedback


I have trouble writing comedy and human emotions sometimes in my novels. My humor is really sh*t too


Yeah, I should have structured that paragraph properly. Would it be better if I had actually written about the previous fight that Kacy had?

I mean humor is subjective you do you. It's just important to know if you are making a joke or not.

And then considering the chapter ends in a fight, why have it at all? You can allude to or have a scene with bullies without there being violence. If it doesn't end how it does, then the answer probably would have been yes, or at least establishing it in such a way as to build it up so we know it will happen off screen.

 

[nosinkarma]

My first take. I feel like I am missing the flow a chapter should have. Could you point something out . Thank you :3

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/265314/a-knights-journey/

 

[TheTrinary]

Oh, the one in my signature.

So I have a lot of opinions on this one.

First off. It's kind of delightful. It has a fun, cheeseball tone and its humor really works for me. In terms of tone, character, and dialogue I really like it.

But. . . there's two issues for me. First, the portal fantasy thing. Like that's fine and all but it's almost a shame that you nail what you have only to switch it all up. I guess that's more of a compliment more than anything, me liking the start so much, but it is something I worry about going forward.

And then the real real issue is the writing. Verb tense all over the place. Your comma usage is atrocious.

Final verdict. . . ehhhhhh. I'm really torn on this one. Its rough to read, but the actual content there is wonderful. I think I would put it in that one more chapter category to see if you can keep up the charm, humor, and tone. If nothing else, this might be the first comical work I've seen that I actually found funny.

My first take. I feel like I am missing the flow a chapter should have. Could you point something out . Thank you :3

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/265314/a-knights-journey/

I mean I don't disagree.

You essentially JUST have multiple people saying thinly veiled expository dialogue back and forth. Typically you want to tell a story. Even in a single chapter there should be a point a and a point b. People should want to achieve something and there should be something holding them back from that. You need to lay out what needs to be done and then stakes. And then you can layer character work on top of that. What you have is almost the opposite. "We have to get there before X" Other character" "That doesn't matter. We can be late." Well there goes any point to what they're doing.

Instead try: "We have to get there before X" Other character: "We do! But we have to cross this river. We have no boats, it's too deep, and if we go around we won't make it in time! Oh no!" Etc. And then people talk as they solve the problem.

That's option A. Option B is you can literally just sit there and establish characters, but that has to be really well done to be interesting. I think this option is inherently weaker AND harder to do.

Finally, you have too much going on. Too many characters who's only introduction is "Person X says thing". Too much unnatural exposition. Tons of ways to fix this too. You can cut down on the pure information. You can recontextualize it with a POV commentary. You can expand it and make each introduction really hit. No limits to the options.

On top of all this, you mention it's a first pass so maybe you didn't check or edit (I've done this before trying to get advice why my stuff didn't work) but you need to edit at some point. Your punctuation and quote usage is all over the place.

Hope that helps.

 

[nosinkarma]

So I have a lot of opinions on this one.

First off. It's kind of delightful. It has a fun, cheeseball tone and its humor really works for me. In terms of tone, character, and dialogue I really like it.

But. . . there's two issues for me. First, the portal fantasy thing. Like that's fine and all but it's almost a shame that you nail what you have only to switch it all up. I guess that's more of a compliment more than anything, me liking the start so much, but it is something I worry about going forward.

And then the real real issue is the writing. Verb tense all over the place. Your comma usage is atrocious.

Final verdict. . . ehhhhhh. I'm really torn on this one. Its rough to read, but the actual content there is wonderful. I think I would put it in that one more chapter category to see if you can keep up the charm, humor, and tone. If nothing else, this might be the first comical work I've seen that I actually found funny.

I mean I don't disagree.

You essentially JUST have multiple people saying thinly veiled expository dialogue back and forth. Typically you want to tell a story. Even in a single chapter there should be a point a and a point b. People should want to achieve something and there should be something holding them back from that. You need to lay out what needs to be done and then stakes. And then you can layer character work on top of that. What you have is almost the opposite. "We have to get there before X" Other character" "That doesn't matter. We can be late." Well there goes any point to what they're doing.

Instead try: "We have to get there before X" Other character: "We do! But we have to cross this river. We have no boats, it's too deep, and if we go around we won't make it in time! Oh no!" Etc. And then people talk as they solve the problem.

That's option A. Option B is you can literally just sit there and establish characters, but that has to be really well done to be interesting. I think this option is inherently weaker AND harder to do.

Finally, you have too much going on. Too many characters who's only introduction is "Person X says thing". Too much unnatural exposition. Tons of ways to fix this too. You can cut down on the pure information. You can recontextualize it with a POV commentary. You can expand it and make each introduction really hit. No limits to the options.

On top of all this, you mention it's a first pass so maybe you didn't check or edit (I've done this before trying to get advice why my stuff didn't work) but you need to edit at some point. Your punctuation and quote usage is all over the place.

Hope that helps.

Thank you. Yes I noticed that I lack proper use of punctuation and that has been bugging me.
I really want to work on that first.

I have researched on how to make good dialogue delivery and it is more harder than I thought. I have read a lot of similar genre web novels and realised that I have chosen a really really hard format of writing.

I should have focused on, narration + mc perspective. But then I find myself in trouble introducing new characters.

All in all, a well imagined story is useless if I can't put it right.
I have so much to learn.

Thank you again for confirming my doubts and enlightening me on what mistake I am making. :3

 

[Agentt]

So I have a lot of opinions on this one.

First off. It's kind of delightful. It has a fun, cheeseball tone and its humor really works for me. In terms of tone, character, and dialogue I really like it.

But. . . there's two issues for me. First, the portal fantasy thing. Like that's fine and all but it's almost a shame that you nail what you have only to switch it all up. I guess that's more of a compliment more than anything, me liking the start so much, but it is something I worry about going forward.

And then the real real issue is the writing. Verb tense all over the place. Your comma usage is atrocious.

Final verdict. . . ehhhhhh. I'm really torn on this one. Its rough to read, but the actual content there is wonderful. I think I would put it in that one more chapter category to see if you can keep up the charm, humor, and tone. If nothing else, this might be the first comical work I've seen that I actually found funny.

I mean I don't disagree.

You essentially JUST have multiple people saying thinly veiled expository dialogue back and forth. Typically you want to tell a story. Even in a single chapter there should be a point a and a point b. People should want to achieve something and there should be something holding them back from that. You need to lay out what needs to be done and then stakes. And then you can layer character work on top of that. What you have is almost the opposite. "We have to get there before X" Other character" "That doesn't matter. We can be late." Well there goes any point to what they're doing.

Instead try: "We have to get there before X" Other character: "We do! But we have to cross this river. We have no boats, it's too deep, and if we go around we won't make it in time! Oh no!" Etc. And then people talk as they solve the problem.

That's option A. Option B is you can literally just sit there and establish characters, but that has to be really well done to be interesting. I think this option is inherently weaker AND harder to do.

Finally, you have too much going on. Too many characters who's only introduction is "Person X says thing". Too much unnatural exposition. Tons of ways to fix this too. You can cut down on the pure information. You can recontextualize it with a POV commentary. You can expand it and make each introduction really hit. No limits to the options.

On top of all this, you mention it's a first pass so maybe you didn't check or edit (I've done this before trying to get advice why my stuff didn't work) but you need to edit at some point. Your punctuation and quote usage is all over the place.

Hope that helps.

Eh, well. Firstly about the tenses, there are some things that MC can record instantly, they use present tense. Some have to be analyzed by mc since she is stupid. They are in past. For commas, well, they are not grammatically correct, but I like to give a dramatic pause.

 

[TheTrinary]

Eh, well. Firstly about the tenses, there are some things that MC can record instantly, they use present tense. Some have to be analyzed by mc since she is stupid. They are in past. For commas, well, they are not grammatically correct, but I like to give a dramatic pause.

The "recording" doesn't make sense. It's all written as a single document. I don't know what you wanted to get across from that but it doesn't come across. And sure, I'm fine with using commas dramatically or not in a grammatical way; commas are pretty nebulous.

But go ahead and read what you wrote aloud and take a pause at every comma.

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks for all the help @TheTrinary. If it's fine, I would have my next two volumes checked to get a feedback on how my writing changes or develops over the course of my story's arcs. Second volume and third volume here.

Fractal Plane: Maiden’s Heart

Three weeks after the first series of incidents concerning Mu, life has settled down for Kazuki Arata. Along with his new friend, he has eased into a new life as an Awakener, special people with access to the other dimension and Armaments, weapons manifested from the soul. Meanwhile, Miki Amagi...

www.scribblehub.com

Fractal Plane: Beyond Public Eyes

After painful confessions and reconciliation with Miki Amagi, Kazuki Arata and Sayaka Uehara welcomed a new addition to the team. However, things would get complicated for Kazuki due to the appearance of a temporary transfer student. This time, in the form of Yui Kimura, the idol rising through...

www.scribblehub.com

It was certainly interesting comparing them all together.

I think your prose was improved although there were still issues. It wasn't anything that stopped me from understanding the story telling even if they were sizable, and likewise I don't think they would be enough on their own to affect my enjoyment of the story if they were the only problem.

On the flip side, I think your strength is writing action scenes. You have clarity and pace and they are well executed. I was actually a little surprised by the first chapter in the top one. For that story, I would probably give it a "read on".

And then the third and final one. This once again showcased your other weak point which I think is characters. They just aren't meshing with me, and I also found the weird sexual objectification stuff at the very end out of place and crude. Why is your character spending paragraphs to describe boobs? Idk. Characters can be objectifies or horny teenage boys, whatever, but you have to address it with some nuisance, especially from a POV.

So overall, I think you have strong points: structure and action scenes. And you have weak points: Prose and character. The quality varies in these areas between stories but its more or less consistent.

It's a problem of terms. If there was a word I could use between teen and lady, I'd gladly abuse it during the section.


I was trying to convey that subtext through clues within the aforementioned ITALICS IN EVERYTHINGGGFGGGGG dialogue. Specifically, the have you forgotten what the fuck they did to us dialogue with the woman (henceforth addressed as italic ver. woman) . It was supposed to be a persisting question that would eventually click when the mystery of the woman's dilemma is revealed. She loved some guy but is keeping her identity from him, and when consulting the italic ver. woman, she mentions terrible history, and that's where it's supposed to click.

Supposed, I say.


Well, there was an attempt. See, my original plan was to make this short story FIRST as an appetizer that would EVENTUALLY lead towards the bigger work. As a precursor of what's to come, it could serve as to the bigger mystery, and give an "oh fuck I gotta know more" moment, and segue into said bigger work where all the questions will slowly get answered as you read through it.

Though in hindsight, I probably should've done this, say, a month or two before making the bigger work, if I'd ever be alive long enough to make it.

-
​

Okay, now that's out of the way, here's the more recent one. It's built from the ground up AS a one-shot, though it shares the same universe as Caninstinct.

The Chicken Chicken Farmer

[Oneshot] A coyote truck driver loses his job as he and his colleagues suddenly get replaced by machines. Out of sentimentality, he requests for one last delivery; one more job behind the wheel. That's when he met the Chicken Chicken Farmer. Discord: https://discord.gg/aAuCwJkkrz

www.scribblehub.com

Though you should probably finish this guy's first

Very good. I'd recommend.

I particularly like the MC's voice. You have amazing range when it comes to writing characters and I've also come to notice things you enjoy writing like animals. The prose was good and a few blips away from perfection, but completely okay.

In terms of critique, it was a little wishy washy in terms of structure. You could chop down the length a bit and lose very little I think, Especially in a character pieces, the quicker you can stick those points in the better, unless you really have something to say. And in your case, it wasn't so much having something to say as just enjoying these folksy characters.

That end line went a little ham too. I'm not even sure if its proper because it puts a bow on a story with something that I really wouldn't say it's about.

 

[EternalSunset0]

It was certainly interesting comparing them all together.

I think your prose was improved although there were still issues. It wasn't anything that stopped me from understanding the story telling even if they were sizable, and likewise I don't think they would be enough on their own to affect my enjoyment of the story if they were the only problem.

On the flip side, I think your strength is writing action scenes. You have clarity and pace and they are well executed. I was actually a little surprised by the first chapter in the top one. For that story, I would probably give it a "read on".

And then the third and final one. This once again showcased your other weak point which I think is characters. They just aren't meshing with me, and I also found the weird sexual objectification stuff at the very end out of place and crude. Why is your character spending paragraphs to describe boobs? Idk. Characters can be objectifies or horny teenage boys, whatever, but you have to address it with some nuisance, especially from a POV.

So overall, I think you have strong points: structure and action scenes. And you have weak points: Prose and character. The quality varies in these areas between stories but its more or less consistent.

Thanks for the very helpful feedback. I am glad that you are liking the structure and action scenes.

I think the prose thing comes down to me not being able to be precise or pick the right words/sentence structure? Or am I wrong? Anyway, it's something that I will look to improve on. Thanks for sharing tips.

As for the main character, yeah I wanted to make him less of a "cardboard cutout" by being lowkey pervy outwards. That is his personality.

Pretty much snarky and deadpan like some kind of Hachiman/Araragi/Tomozaki but thinks like a horny weeb inside... just like the intended demographic for the story lol. I intended to get into that "early 2010s battle series with harem" demographic that featured stuff like DxD, Shinmai, Strike the Blood, Fate (kinda?), and the billions of battle academy harems like Asterisk and Chivalry that were there, if you are familiar with those.

I guess it calls for a more toned down/subtle way of expressing that with my main character.

How do you find everyone else besides the MC though? From what you read so far?

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks for the very helpful feedback. I am glad that you are liking the structure and action scenes.

I think the prose thing comes down to me not being able to be precise or pick the right words/sentence structure? Or am I wrong? Anyway, it's something that I will look to improve on. Thanks for sharing tips.

As for the main character, yeah I wanted to make him less of a "cardboard cutout" by being lowkey pervy outwards. That is his personality.

Pretty much snarky and deadpan like some kind of Hachiman/Araragi/Tomozaki but thinks like a horny weeb inside... just like the intended demographic for the story lol. I intended to get into that "early 2010s battle series with harem" demographic that featured stuff like DxD, Shinmai, Strike the Blood, Fate (kinda?), and the billions of battle academy harems like Asterisk and Chivalry that were there, if you are familiar with those.

I guess it calls for a more toned down/subtle way of expressing that with my main character.

How do you find everyone else besides the MC though? From what you read so far?

Admittedly, I've never read or seen anything from the genre and other works you're going for. I just don't think making someone a pervert makes them less of a cardboard cutout. Especially if you are in the vein of Japanese works.

In terms of your other characters, I can't say I have much of an impression either way. Nothing negative at least.

 

[EternalSunset0]

Admittedly, I've never read or seen anything from the genre and other works you're going for. I just don't think making someone a pervert makes them less of a cardboard cutout. Especially if you are in the vein of Japanese works.

In terms of your other characters, I can't say I have much of an impression either way. Nothing negative at least.

Alright. Thanks for the response.