Free First Chapter Feedback

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ILuxTenebris

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By the world, I see you have a quite high patience stat. Anyway, if you or anyone wants to give me a feedback for my First chap, I would gladly listen (I mean, read) it. I can also read and give my humble opnion of your work first chap.
 

TheTrinary

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I would gladly hear your opinion on my beginning.
Return of Magic, Ascendance of the Old Blood. | Scribble Hub

Thank you very much for your time.
Yea that was solid, would read on.
*If you have time I would appreciate some feedback on the actual first chapter. XD
Another good one. Would read on.

The framing device is a little odd but it reads fine I guess. Honestly, I just think its that first person past tense is so odd.

And I was a little confused because I just assumed they were mermaids based on the cover. Which I'm pretty sure they're not? Really weird mermaids if they are.
By the world, I see you have a quite high patience stat. Anyway, if you or anyone wants to give me a feedback for my First chap, I would gladly listen (I mean, read) it. I can also read and give my humble opnion of your work first chap.
Mmm this is a weird one because the prose is smooth and works. I'm leaning towards no though.

Like I said well written enough. But I think the issue arises with your presentation of prologue/ first chapter. It's an issue of structure from top to bottom. You start out with a full page of two of just pure exposition. This is pretty off putting, and while I didn't read the prologue(s) as part of this read-through, it seems very odd to me to start out with so much exposition AFTER three separate prologues. You are asking so much from reader.

In that same vein, your introduction to the MC and everything along with that is. . . thin. In terms of story and hook this is true as well. Thumbing through the prologue, that seems to be the real introduction.

So basically what I'm saying is that you aren't using prologues correctly. They should be skippable and disconnected from the main story. Sure they add stuff and can set the scene or whatever, but whatever you include in your 1st chapter should be able to be understood completely separately from that prologue.

I don't normally do this, but I thumbed a bit more through the prologues to give a better critique. Honestly, I think you just need to restructure and reframe what you have. It would work much better in a different context.

And if you want to give me feedback on my stuff that'd be great. Syche is shiny and doesn't really need critisms. Every word is pretty much what I want for the first chapter. But then my second work, Reaper's Game, is a real mess and any critique would be hugely appreciated.
 
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ILuxTenebris

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Yea that was solid, would read on.

Another good one. Would read on.

The framing device is a little odd but it reads fine I guess. Honestly, I just think its that first person past tense is so odd.

And I was a little confused because I just assumed they were mermaids based on the cover. Which I'm pretty sure they're not? Really weird mermaids if they are.

Mmm this is a weird one because the prose is smooth and works. I'm leaning towards no though.

Like I said well written enough. But I think the issue arises with your presentation of prologue/ first chapter. It's an issue of structure from top to bottom. You start out with a full page of two of just pure exposition. This is pretty off putting, and while I didn't read the prologue(s) as part of this read-through, it seems very odd to me to start out with so much exposition AFTER three separate prologues. You are asking so much from reader.

In that same vein, your introduction to the MC and everything along with that is. . . thin. In terms of story and hook this is true as well. Thumbing through the prologue, that seems to be the real introduction.

So basically what I'm saying is that you aren't using prologues correctly. They should be skippable and disconnected from the main story. Sure they add stuff and can set the scene or whatever, but whatever you include in your 1st chapter should be able to be understood completely separately from that prologue.

I don't normally do this, but I thumbed a bit more through the prologues to give a better critique. Honestly, I think you just need to restructure and reframe what you have. It would work much better in a different context.

And if you want to give me feedback on my stuff that'd be great. Syche is shiny and doesn't really need critisms. Every word is pretty much what I want for the first chapter. But then my second work, Reaper's Game, is a real mess and any critique would be hugely appreciated.
Many thanks, I will make sure to read your story. Your opnion gave me a light.
 

Eldria

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Yea that was solid, would read on.
Thank you. Is there anything in particular that stood out, strength/weakness wise? This is my first story and I am still trying to figure out my own style, so a light nudge could help me a lot.
 

Rowan_Jayy

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Another good one. Would read on.

The framing device is a little odd but it reads fine I guess. Honestly, I just think its that first person past tense is so odd.

And I was a little confused because I just assumed they were mermaids based on the cover. Which I'm pretty sure they're not? Really weird mermaids if they are
Ah mysteries, mysteries. I'll take odd; in my mind it gives personality. Thanks.
 

TheTrinary

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Thank you. Is there anything in particular that stood out, strength/weakness wise? This is my first story and I am still trying to figure out my own style, so a light nudge could help me a lot.
Strengths: I really liked the character introduction. Structurally sound. Surprising and fun hook.

Weaknesses: I found the "romance" angle with the Mrs. whoever to be jarring. You establish your character is a girl and she's hot for teacher? Like that's fine on its own, but it's odd that its treated so seriously. The impression I got was that she was pretty young, at least young enough to make any sort of relationship with a Mrs. to be off-putting.

And then maybe a lack of establishment for the conflict? There's never any hint that something is off. It's kind of a sucker punch but not in a good way like it potentially could be. I just felt like I needed that little spark to put the question in my mind if something more was going on with her. Or a more ominous set up to let me know the letter wasn't quite right?

So I guess in both cases the weakness was just establishment of plot points.
 

Jessie_Emilyn

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Yeah Lord of the Rings is excessive, especially in modern storytelling. I'd recommend finding an author you like and start by emulating how they write those scenes. There's plenty of good stuff like that in more modern works.
I won't emulate another author's style. There is already someone that is that author I will find my own style or at least let it grow more. I am still exploring a lot.
 

TheTrinary

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I won't emulate another author's style. There is already someone that is that author I will find my own style or at least let it grow more. I am still exploring a lot.
Each person learns from everyone else. That's unavoidable. I'm not saying to have no voice, but you should absolutely look at what came before you and build off that. People always complain about "originality". Writing has to be original. Ideas have to be original. Blah blah blah. That's a bold face lie.

If you take something you like, and add your own voice, that's art. There's nothing you can write or come up with that hasn't been done. Whether or not its copying is if you add yourself to it.
 

Jessie_Emilyn

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Each person learns from everyone else. That's unavoidable. I'm not saying to have no voice, but you should absolutely look at what came before you and build off that. People always complain about "originality". Writing has to be original. Ideas have to be original. Blah blah blah. That's a bold face lie.

If you take something you like, and add your own voice, that's art. There's nothing you can write or come up with that hasn't been done. Whether or not its copying is if you add yourself to it.
I know there are no new ideas just new spins on them generally but that doesn't mean I should be trying to copy another person's stye. If I develop my own style it will grow naturally and not have to be forced out, even if it ends up similar to someone elses.
 

TheTrinary

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I know there are no new ideas just new spins on them generally but that doesn't mean I should be trying to copy another person's stye. If I develop my own style it will grow naturally and not have to be forced out, even if it ends up similar to someone elses.
That hasn't been my experience when learning to write, but you do you.
 

Spilled_Soup

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A sci-fi LitRPG cultivation story I'm working on
 

TheTrinary

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A sci-fi LitRPG cultivation story I'm working on
Overall that's a thumbs up yup.

You start slow and just focus on the characters and the world which I like, and then have an interesting gotcha for the hook. Cool

At the same time I have to point out that it's pretty messy. Capitalization used at random. Throwing out a lot of terms and worldbuilding without bothering to establish it. (Sometimes it works, other times it feels ham fisted). And then the ending confused me for a second. I liked it once I got it, but I had to reread the last few paragraphs because what was happening was not clear. You do a bait and switch with fireworks for some sort of attack but then really under describe the attack.

The other issue I saw was Bun. Conceptually how the character works and how they work in practice are completely different. She's bubbly and vibrant the whole way through, but then you have this horrific backstory and everything contrasts that. You say "joy was hard to come by in those eyes" or something like that at the end, but then it's like. . . what character are you describing? She's pinging off the walls here with nothing but excitement.

I digress. As far as amateur sci-fi goes, it's quite good.
 

Spilled_Soup

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Overall that's a thumbs up yup.

You start slow and just focus on the characters and the world which I like, and then have an interesting gotcha for the hook. Cool

At the same time I have to point out that it's pretty messy. Capitalization used at random. Throwing out a lot of terms and worldbuilding without bothering to establish it. (Sometimes it works, other times it feels ham fisted). And then the ending confused me for a second. I liked it once I got it, but I had to reread the last few paragraphs because what was happening was not clear. You do a bait and switch with fireworks for some sort of attack but then really under describe the attack.

The other issue I saw was Bun. Conceptually how the character works and how they work in practice are completely different. She's bubbly and vibrant the whole way through, but then you have this horrific backstory and everything contrasts that. You say "joy was hard to come by in those eyes" or something like that at the end, but then it's like. . . what character are you describing? She's pinging off the walls here with nothing but excitement.

I digress. As far as amateur sci-fi goes, it's quite good.
It's the first chapter, so I didn't want to bog the reader down at times y'know. But thanks for the feedback.

With Bun, I was trying to portray the MC as seeing a bit of himself in her. So he sort of took her under his wing and pulled her out of her shell over the years they lived together in the orphanage. She's like his little sister now. Still damage, but is able to open around him. This he can still see the trauma in her eyes. Things like that are so easy for me to miss unfortunately, because it's already in my head. I need to work on that you're right,
 
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AncestralIdiot

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Normally there's something happens that gets us to the other world. Normally death, but that's whatever.
Well, there is a reason. However, it'll only be told later at the near half of the story.

Weak narrative voice.
Hmm, I thought so too. Now that you've said, I finally got the confirmation I needed.

Also I noticed that you never set the scene. It's just two people talking. And then later you have a single sentence about him sitting back against the wall of his house. And I was genuinely confused because that's not where I thought he was. And going back and reading, you don't establish anything in the way of setting.
AAAAAAAHH! Such a mistake I've made. I always have this scene in my mind which always continues from the precious chapter, so I tend to forget writing them.

But anyway, thanks for your time and the feedback! When I have the time, I'll rewrite every chapters from the very beginning.
 

WitheredSage

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I'll gladly hear your thoughts.
Thanks for your time.
 
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