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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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I read the middle one at random. Would keep reading.

Mostly what I can comment on here was the writing. It was descriptive and vivid if not a little rough around the edges. You started us off with something exciting even if it was a dream sequence and while I don't love it, I think it does enough to show your ability to both write and to have a sense of excitement and action with your story.

I would, however, be looking for something more solid in the second chapter, as to just what your story is about.
Thank you for your invaluable feedback every time. Help Me, Master Trinary!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/316421/help-me-miss-planner/
Would keep reading. All around delightful.

You had me hooked right away with your writing. It was descriptive and fun and flowed so well. You fold in all the fantastical elements well enough without it being jarring. Halfway through, I thought I'd put it on my best of list.

And so there's a but, but only a tiny but. Once we get to the dialogue, I don't want to critique it or say it's bad, I just didn't find it to be so amazingly strong as your general prose. The characters didn't quite feel human and they had a very similar voice. Maybe some of that was intentional because I'm not sure they're human.

Let's see. What else? I really liked your MC. Having this logistics expert who's highly efficient is interesting and I always like competent and smart characters. The setting was interesting and wanted me knowing more.

So all around, good job. Just a hair off perfect.
 
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Southdog

Caustic, handle with caution
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I figure i might as well before i get too far into writing either one. I've got two stories to pick. Both have the same general setting, and in fact share a universe. I alternate working on them. Six Ways is set before Red Clay, but doesn't have direct continuity with it apart from sharing a handful of characters.

Six Senses, Six Shots, Six Ways To Sunday

A story about a man's small town life getting turned upside down when his ex comes back from a mysterious absence- and a strange new threat rolls into his town, too.

Mage of Red Clay

A highly experienced sorceror-cum-private security contractor gets sent to investigate a grave by his draconic patron, where he uncovers a vast conspiracy and unsettling revelations about himself and his family.

Edit becayse of a misclick
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
751
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108
I figure i might as well before i get too far into writing either one. I've got two stories to pick. Both have the same general setting, and in fact share a universe. I alternate working on them. Six Ways is set before Red Clay, but doesn't have direct continuity with it apart from sharing a handful of characters.

Six Senses, Six Shots, Six Ways To Sunday

A story about a man's small town life getting turned upside down when his ex comes back from a mysterious absence- and a strange new threat rolls into his town, too.

Mage of Red Clay

A highly experienced sorceror-cum-private security contractor gets sent to investigate a grave by his draconic patron, where he uncovers a vast conspiracy and unsettling revelations about himself and his family.

Edit becayse of a misclick
Would not keep reading.

So the writing was very good. You have style and manage to capture the setting well within that style. Past that there's not a lot to talk about. Your first chapter is a pretty long talk between two people and while there was some interesting stuff at the end, I'm not sure it was worth that wait.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for taking your time and build your characters, but there has to be something to it. You essentially give us just two guys. They could be pulled out of any story around this setting and that would be them. There's stuff, and it's well written, I just don't care. I get it. Normal guy. Normal life. You want to establish all that. I'm reminded of the original cut for the original star wars. There were fifteen minutes cut out that George Lucas wanted of Luke just hanging around Tatooine with his friends, fixing his speeder. You don't need it, because it adds nothing, and has nothing to do with the plot.

With all that said, I think this shape to your chapter COULD work if it was written in more of a new-weird style. Little trickles of not-quite-right sprinkled in as we build to the girlfriend bit. That would work for a certain kind of story, and I'm not sure this is the one.

Anyway, I know my advice isn't all that helpful, but that sort of comes back to the heart of the problem because I just read a long chapter and I don't even know what genre we're in. Pacing, Establishment. All I got.
I figure i might as well before i get too far into writing either one. I've got two stories to pick. Both have the same general setting, and in fact share a universe. I alternate working on them. Six Ways is set before Red Clay, but doesn't have direct continuity with it apart from sharing a handful of characters.

Six Senses, Six Shots, Six Ways To Sunday

A story about a man's small town life getting turned upside down when his ex comes back from a mysterious absence- and a strange new threat rolls into his town, too.

Mage of Red Clay

A highly experienced sorceror-cum-private security contractor gets sent to investigate a grave by his draconic patron, where he uncovers a vast conspiracy and unsettling revelations about himself and his family.

Edit becayse of a misclick
Would keep reading the second one.

It's very similar on a very non-surface level. The writing was you right away, no mistaking it. The characters had that same folksy bit. And it didn't present itself quite so well. However, the need to present and establish is far lessened when you are dealing with bombastic magical elements. I don't need the author telling me what's going on, I mostly get it. Mostly.
 
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Southdog

Caustic, handle with caution
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
174
Points
58
Would not keep reading.

So the writing was very good. You have style and manage to capture the setting well within that style. Past that there's not a lot to talk about. Your first chapter is a pretty long talk between two people and while there was some interesting stuff at the end, I'm not sure it was worth that wait.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for taking your time and build your characters, but there has to be something to it. You essentially give us just two guys. They could be pulled out of any story around this setting and that would be them. There's stuff, and it's well written, I just don't care. I get it. Normal guy. Normal life. You want to establish all that. I'm reminded of the original cut for the original star wars. There were fifteen minutes cut out that George Lucas wanted of Luke just hanging around Tatooine with his friends, fixing his speeder. You don't need it, because it adds nothing, and has nothing to do with the plot.

With all that said, I think this shape to your chapter COULD work if it was written in more of a new-weird style. Little trickles of not-quite-right sprinkled in as we build to the girlfriend bit. That would work for a certain kind of story, and I'm not sure this is the one.

Anyway, I know my advice isn't all that helpful, but that sort of comes back to the heart of the problem because I just read a long chapter and I don't even know what genre we're in. Pacing, Establishment. All I got.

Would keep reading the second one.

It's very similar on a very non-surface level. The writing was you right away, no mistaking it. The characters had that same folksy bit. And it didn't present itself quite so well. However, the need to present and establish is far lessened when you are dealing with bombastic magical elements. I don't need the author telling me what's going on, I mostly get it. Mostly.
Hey, that works for me. I won't lie: Six Ways is getting a rewrite and paring down things before i continue it. That's happening since it's a much older draft from when I was a lot less practiced. I had THOUGHT it was up to my standards, but reading it again leaves a lot to be desired even for me. Thanks for your feedback, I'll be fixing up Six Ways in my off-time.
 

Funnyface

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21
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18
Would keep reading. All around delightful.

You had me hooked right away with your writing. It was descriptive and fun and flowed so well. You fold in all the fantastical elements well enough without it being jarring. Halfway through, I thought I'd put it on my best of list.

And so there's a but, but only a tiny but. Once we get to the dialogue, I don't want to critique it or say it's bad, I just didn't find it to be so amazingly strong as your general prose. The characters didn't quite feel human and they had a very similar voice. Maybe some of that was intentional because I'm not sure they're human.


Thanks for the feedback! You're an angel!
 

Shoemilk

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Hello @TheTrinary,

I want to start off by thanking you for this incredible service you're providing to this community. The feedback you give is worth more than what many editors charge for. You, good sir, are a hero among men. I've read the feedback you give and it is so well thought-out, so well crafted, and tactful, that it shows you spend as much, if not more, time crafting your response as you do reading. I tip my fedora to you.

Now, I'm not trying to blow it up your ass so that you give me rave reviews of my chapter one. I just really wanted you to know how much some random internet stranger appreciated the effort you put into this community. You've given me a new editing perspective and before I posted this response/request thingy, I went back through my first chapter and reread it with the thought in mind If I were a random reading this chapter, would I read more? That helped me trim some grizzle off that I hadn't before, clean up some bits of bone I hadn't noticed, and offer up this rump roast to you (cause I can't kid myself, this is no filet mignon).

Please, Mr. Magic 8ball, TheTrinary, Would you continue reading my story? (I'm shaking you again if you say, "Please concentrate and ask again")

 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
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Messages
751
Points
108
Hello @TheTrinary,

I want to start off by thanking you for this incredible service you're providing to this community. The feedback you give is worth more than what many editors charge for. You, good sir, are a hero among men. I've read the feedback you give and it is so well thought-out, so well crafted, and tactful, that it shows you spend as much, if not more, time crafting your response as you do reading. I tip my fedora to you.

Now, I'm not trying to blow it up your ass so that you give me rave reviews of my chapter one. I just really wanted you to know how much some random internet stranger appreciated the effort you put into this community. You've given me a new editing perspective and before I posted this response/request thingy, I went back through my first chapter and reread it with the thought in mind If I were a random reading this chapter, would I read more? That helped me trim some grizzle off that I hadn't before, clean up some bits of bone I hadn't noticed, and offer up this rump roast to you (cause I can't kid myself, this is no filet mignon).

Please, Mr. Magic 8ball, TheTrinary, Would you continue reading my story? (I'm shaking you again if you say, "Please concentrate and ask again")

Well first off, thanks for the high praise. It's not as much work as you may think; I come the Siskel and Ebert school of review, so my takes come pretty naturally. Every once and a while something will get special attention and I'll write a book, but mostly it comes natural. Now on to the chapter.

Would keep reading.

I really liked the way you used the game elements, especially right off the bat. The opening picture wrote its own story and built the world and I thought that it was a really cool premise, certainly not one I've seen before. You take your time and build the characters up which was good to a point. And all around, everything was pretty solid. Nothing amazing that I loved, but solid. Liked the sisterly interactions the best.

My critique would come in with the pacing and drive. Like I said, the build up was good to a point. At which point, I definitely felt the length a little bit, and I'm not talking about just splitting it up into two chapters, because that wouldn't affect the pacing of the story.

And there's where we get into "drive". Normally, there's something pushing your story forward. Something the character has to do. Some goal or objective. You get it.

Here we don't really have that. We are given the choice up front. We understand what the MC wants and what will probably happen, and the rest of the chapter examines and calls into question what will happen if she does it. Now I want to be clear on this point, I like the fact that you examine her potential decision and expound on the consequences, that's good writing. BUT it has to be on some element that drives the story forward.

Character wants something, characters takes step to obtain. Basic as it gets. Here she's just doing chores and buying time until she can/ has to make her decision. MC wants to be a quest doer, so she prepares to leave the village and go out on her own. OR MC doesn't know what she wants and goes out to find information to help make her decision.

You're almost in the second option here structurally, but then that's undercut by what we know she's gonna do.

OOoh. I was thinking of other works ready to close this out and I came up with the perfect example. The Book Thief. Small girl has to do chores around town to make money for her adopted family's because THEY NEED IT. But then sometimes she wants to run off with her friends and play.

Functionally, you could do the same here. She MUST go do chores to make some extra money because her dad is struggling, BUT her sister comes and wants to take her away and waste time. So not only do you have the direct commentary about her choice by the characters, but you have a meta choice in that her conflict to go spend time with her sister ends up being an equivalent of the choice she's going to have to make. And in this case, you would have that drive. Externally, she needs to make money for her family today. Internally, she wants to spend time with her sister. However that plays out, she's making choices that propel something forward.

Anyway, that's all I got.
What do I have to lose.

I don't know if it was a chapter or prologue, but I read the first thing published, like two paragraphs. Um. Go read what you wrote. And then again out loud for commas.
 
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Vivian-M.K.

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Just found this thread thanks to that prediction thread. Might as well take a stab at this.


Thank you in advance!
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
751
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Just found this thread thanks to that prediction thread. Might as well take a stab at this.


Thank you in advance!
Would keep reading.

That was quite good. You have a very strong voice for your MC and very strong vision of who they are. Not only that, but you manage to make them an asshole and relatable at the same time. One of my biggest complaints with a lot of the stuff that comes through here is people making an unlikable protagonist knowing they're going to improve or get better, but not justifying that behavior or humanizing it in any way. You on the other hand go pretty hard but the quick mental cut a ways of self disgust are enough to feel something for your character.

On it's own, it's just about flawless, with my only confusion being one of the mental lines that seemed to be in third person as if someone was talking to MC. Couple that with the end, and the presentation of these elements was a little strange. And then I read your synopsis and got a little more confused about this, what I'll call, supernatural element as it's presented here.

And just to be clear, for a site like this, we're talking 100% in terms of execution. But if I picked this up in a store, that would be my only critique. The weird third person line and the synopsis. If it just had that bit at the end, maybe a little clearer, I think I'd be happy. And I need to add that I'm doing some guess work here, because I feel like I'm talking about structure and building a foundation for expansion. Based on your synopsis, it doesn't feel quite right, but I literally have no idea where it goes from here so I could be entirely wrong.

Anyway, good job. Good character stuff.
 
Joined
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If you don't mind, would you read mine. I think you have read the first chapter before but I changed it just 2 days ago based on some advice from you and a few other people >.<

 

Vivian-M.K.

Active member
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Messages
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Would keep reading.

That was quite good. You have a very strong voice for your MC and very strong vision of who they are. Not only that, but you manage to make them an asshole and relatable at the same time. One of my biggest complaints with a lot of the stuff that comes through here is people making an unlikable protagonist knowing they're going to improve or get better, but not justifying that behavior or humanizing it in any way. You on the other hand go pretty hard but the quick mental cut a ways of self disgust are enough to feel something for your character.

On it's own, it's just about flawless, with my only confusion being one of the mental lines that seemed to be in third person as if someone was talking to MC. Couple that with the end, and the presentation of these elements was a little strange. And then I read your synopsis and got a little more confused about this, what I'll call, supernatural element as it's presented here.

And just to be clear, for a site like this, we're talking 100% in terms of execution. But if I picked this up in a store, that would be my only critique. The weird third person line and the synopsis. If it just had that bit at the end, maybe a little clearer, I think I'd be happy. And I need to add that I'm doing some guess work here, because I feel like I'm talking about structure and building a foundation for expansion. Based on your synopsis, it doesn't feel quite right, but I literally have no idea where it goes from here so I could be entirely wrong.

Anyway, good job. Good character stuff.
Thank you very much!
For that 'talking to' bit, we realized our mistake of not making it more clear.
+++ are intrusive thoughts
--- are flashbacks. We can make it more clear though. That bit where she's being talked to is a flashback.

And it might make it more clear that the supernatural element hasn't been introduced in chapter 1.

Thank you again for the review! This has made our week.
 

EternalSunset0

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It's going to be my fourth time, but I really love your service, so I'd like to have another one. You helped me a lot in getting ideas on how I should go about reframing the story after all (probably comes into play once the whole series is finished). If you can recall the previous ones I sent, more comparisons on maybe the prose or pacing will be helpful.

Just put me on low prio to give way to the first timers.

 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
751
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108
Thank you very much!
For that 'talking to' bit, we realized our mistake of not making it more clear.
+++ are intrusive thoughts
--- are flashbacks. We can make it more clear though. That bit where she's being talked to is a flashback.

And it might make it more clear that the supernatural element hasn't been introduced in chapter 1.

Thank you again for the review! This has made our week.
Oh okay. I didn't get the +++ ---. I thought they were just cute breaks for internal monologue. That probably clears everything up.
 

ciocelle

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I'd like to throw my latest work into the fray. There's some things I'm been wary about (pacing and clarity, for the most part) and I think feedback would help in making sure I'm on the right track.

 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
751
Points
108
It's going to be my fourth time, but I really love your service, so I'd like to have another one. You helped me a lot in getting ideas on how I should go about reframing the story after all (probably comes into play once the whole series is finished). If you can recall the previous ones I sent, more comparisons on maybe the prose or pacing will be helpful.

Just put me on low prio to give way to the first timers.

Would keep reading.

I quite liked this one and have little to say in the way of critique. Your first section deals with characters pretty well. You establish who they are, what they want, issues they have. It's not masterclass, but I felt a connection to them right away. It was great.

I then really like the contrast to section two where you flip focus and talk about the fantastical elements and things more plot driven. You have those elements of reestablishment that are obligatory for a sequel. I don't think you go quite far enough to catch us back up on its own, but then I noticed you have that pre-prologue bit that is literally a refresher and actually cute. I appreciated that.

I wasn't as huge a fan of the third section with the character drama. I appreciate structurally how you have three separate ideas that are thematically all different, that was really really well done, I just don't think this one was your strong suit. And to go along with that, the only big critique I have is your general writing and character dialogue. It's slightly stilted. Not enough to be annoying or detract from most of the enjoyment, but it's noticeable enough. But here's the thing, I'm not even sure it's a true negative, because it makes everything seem even more Japanese and foreign, which, might be the intent, because it is exceedingly Japanese.

So anyway, good job. I liked it.
I'd like to throw my latest work into the fray. There's some things I'm been wary about (pacing and clarity, for the most part) and I think feedback would help in making sure I'm on the right track.

Would not keep reading.

So there's going to be a lot to talk about on this one.

First up, let's just cover the basic narrative presentation. You start off in first person. Fine. And after a line break, you switch to third person. You have another break with the character's name and switch to first person, and then you have a another break with no name. . . but we're still in third person. Generally speaking, you want to keep a consistent narrative space. Only 1st person. Only 3rd person. Yatta yatta. I think it's interesting to change it up like you do and it COULD work, but you don't even follow your own formatting which further confuses it. Secondly, if you are going to be avant guard with the perspectives, I think there has to be more of a justification for it. I was willing to give it a chance, but it felt like the random switches to third person were solely because you didn't know how to tell those parts in first person. And that's a problem.

Next up, I think we need to talk about world building and establishment. On a basic level, you have in your mind what the world is and how it works, but I don't think that's always fully communicated, and sometimes its just confusing. For example, I had to reread the portion where you first mention "sinbeasts" many times. You never tell us what that is, and you introduce it right after introducing the demons. So when the little demon says its hunting a sinbeast, I'm horribly confused because I'm thinking demons are colloquially known as sin beasts. Did the line get attributed to someone else. Are there other people there talking about the demons? It took some work to figure out what was going on.

And in that vein, even the character's emotions are muddled and inconsistent. She goes from having her knife drawn ready to fight the demons only to have to stop herself from going to introduce herself to play cards. You're feeding us mismatched information when we don't even know what's going on yet. The MC can have conflicting emotions and thoughts, but that has to come after the audience knows where we stand.

And I think there's another additional element of world building that crosses with tone in that I'm not sure what kind of fantasy story this is. On one hand you have things that would seem to be a pretty straightly plaid fantasy with people fighting dangerous monsters and there's all this lore. And then on the other hand there's this silly card game that obviously couldn't exist in a real fantasy world, which makes everything look like farce. But tonally it isn't played for farce. On this matter, it almost feels like a video game.

Also lack of foundation sometimes. You bring up that they have these magic potions on their belt. . . the paragraph before you need them. You need to establish the elements up front to prevent the feeling of deus ex. Contrast that with the mushrooms. The giant mushroom works well BECAUSE we have these tiny mushrooms established up front.

Past that, everything else is middle of the road I think. Competent writing. Your character has a voice, even if I personally don't like it. Humor is subjective though. I do think all the other characters' voices blend together. They all have a samey element which is the writer coming through too much.

And finally, and almost the biggest, structurally this is two chapters. Character meets demons in the woods and character fights a giant creature are really two separate ideas. There are of course ways to combine them, but as you've done it here you have two very distinct ideas and the structure buckles under that weight.

That's everything off the top of my head.
 
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EternalSunset0

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Would keep reading.

I quite liked this one and have little to say in the way of critique. Your first section deals with characters pretty well. You establish who they are, what they want, issues they have. It's not masterclass, but I felt a connection to them right away. It was great.

I then really like the contrast to section two where you flip focus and talk about the fantastical elements and things more plot driven. You have those elements of reestablishment that are obligatory for a sequel. I don't think you go quite far enough to catch us back up on its own, but then I noticed you have that pre-prologue bit that is literally a refresher and actually cute. I appreciated that.

I wasn't as huge a fan of the third section with the character drama. I appreciate structurally how you have three separate ideas that are thematically all different, that was really really well done, I just don't think this one was your strong suit. And to go along with that, the only big critique I have is your general writing and character dialogue. It's slightly stilted. Not enough to be annoying or detract from most of the enjoyment, but it's noticeable enough. But here's the thing, I'm not even sure it's a true negative, because it makes everything seem even more Japanese and foreign, which, might be the intent, because it is exceedingly Japanese.

So anyway, good job. I liked it.
Glad to see that you liked this one. I think it's the best start I had so far if we're going to go with your comments. At this point, the main character has also become a bit nicer and more tact (after 3 arcs, the last one in particular saw him play a "caretaker" role of sorts to the loli in the chapter and the "awkward guy who tries hard to understand and empathize" role to the idol character who has since become part of the main cast) so I guess that's another pretty consistent issue before that got fixed.

For the second, I think it pretty much comes down to the previous volumes being required reading. I did not dwell too in-depth in terms of catching up because I wrote the volume with the assumption that in a normal case, only the ones who have finished the previous volumes would be here reading volume 4. Hence some character development that got glossed over a bit.

An example would be the line about their teamwork, since the second volume had to deal with Amagi's feelings for the protag and her resulting love rivalry/jealousy with Uehara, the first volume cover girl, and how they came to terms with it.

Some characters that got namedropped were also introduced beforehand, such as Yamada, so who I assume would be reading would likely already know their basic "character archetypes" and imagery. The Glossary is also there for help in visualization.

For the stilted dialogue, it's actually a thing that I've been looking to work on. I just feel that my dialogue just had little "flavor" to it ever since. I think it largely has to do with my lines being there "to move the plot" instead of "to bring out character." I tried the whole "imagine things that you and your friends would say" thing, but the thing is, I talk and act stiffly in real life, so it's not exactly helping from a literary perspective. :blobrofl:

I mean, from this comment alone or from my other comments, you can probably see that in action if it weren't for the emojis.

A bit of feedback here from you would be good, I guess. Then I'll just see if I can adapt it to the style I'm going for.

As for the prose being stilted, I think that you can chalk it up to me reading Japanese light novels as reference. My writing style pretty much is heavily based on actual light novels, whether professionally translated or just casually machine translated. Something like this:

The mobile cities, Regios, are spread across the world in their myriad forms. From the basic, standard form that provides everything necessary for human survival, to forms that specialize in specific areas.

One of those forms is the Academy City.

Zuellni – Academy City Zuellni.

The school buildings in the center of the city provided facilities for all study areas.

Large groups of students were heading for the great hall, which was large enough to accommodate all the students inside.

Dressed casually, General Studies students walked as they chatted with friends.

Uneasy smiles sat on the faces of Agricultural and Mechanical Engineering students, who weren't used to the uniforms they hadn't put on in a long time.

The Alchemy and Medical students wore dirty white coats on top of their uniforms.

The Military Arts students, unlike the others, marched towards the hall with heads held high.

Students with different characteristics were all swallowed into the hall.

The purpose of this autonomous city was to exist for and be used by its students. Today, it was holding an entrance ceremony to welcome its new first years.

But it looked like the ceremony would be delayed.

An hour later.

Layfon stood with a confused expression on his face.

"Anyway, shall we sit down and talk?"

"Ye-Yes!"

Having given a tense answer, he still couldn't sit on the sofa as requested.

The student before him sat at a large business desk. Unlike Layfon, he had an air of maturity about him. Silvery-white hair framed an elegant face bearing a gentle expression, but his calm silver eyes seemed to be judging Layfon.

That piercing gaze of his caused Layfon to dart his gaze around in panic. Through his shoes, he could feel the softness of the carpet beneath him. The sofa and table used for meetings sat before him. Bookshelves lined one of the walls, filled with informative scrolls.

Before Layfon entered this room, he had seen a plaque with the words "Student President" carved into it next to the doors.

"I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Karian Loss, a sixth year student."

Students were enrolled for six years in Zuellni, so Loss was in the highest grade.

And he was also the Student President.

The person in charge of this school.

"I'm Layfon Alseif."

With a straight back, Layfon clearly delivered his name. He felt cold sweat beading on his forehead.

Karian smiled.

They were alone in the room.

"I wasn't planning on punishing you."

The voice tinged with a bitter smile helped Layfon to calm down. He'd been tense the whole time, as he had no idea why he had been summoned to this room.

"First, let me convey my gratitude. Because of your help, none of the new students were injured."

The opening ceremony was cancelled because of a commotion.

I just tried adding my own style by using the third person omniscient perspective and adding way more description and flourish. And trying to lessen the "telling" and adding more "showing."

Thanks for the very helpful feedback again. It's really nice to be able to track my own progress as a writer through these volumes. I plan to have around 8 to 9 total for the whole plot, so I'll probably be back at around the end of the year (each release takes around half a year to write) if you're still up.
 

ciocelle

New member
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3
First off, I want to say thank you for your time. I'm glad you took a look and this review will be helpful going forward.

First up, let's just cover the basic narrative presentation. You start off in first person. Fine. And after a line break, you switch to third person. You have another break with the character's name and switch to first person, and then you have a another break with no name. . . but we're still in third person. Generally speaking, you want to keep a consistent narrative space. Only 1st person.
That's fair, since I added the name after POV shifts as an afterthought. The story is going to switch between characters often, so I definitely need to fix that.
And in that vein, even the character's emotions are muddled and inconsistent. She goes from having her knife drawn ready to fight the demons only to have to stop herself from going to introduce herself to play cards.
That's another line I added in too later on too. I was considering that it'd be weird if she didn't feel somewhat threatened but I see how that could muddle things too.
And I think there's another additional element of world building that crosses with tone in that I'm not sure what kind of fantasy story this is. On one hand you have things that would seem to be a pretty straightly plaid fantasy with people fighting dangerous monsters and there's all this lore. And then on the other hand there's this silly card game that obviously couldn't exist in a real fantasy world, which makes everything look like farce. But tonally it isn't played for farce. On this matter, it almost feels like a video game.
In the world, there's places that are growing comparatively advanced (not quite to a sci-fi level, but close) to out in the country where Althea lives since humanity has only recently reduced the density of monsters so it's not an everyday worry for most people. But I didn't know how to communicate that through either the character/worldbuilding, so that's fair and something I have to work on.
And finally, and almost the biggest, structurally this is two chapters.
That's another thing I thought of as well. I was wondering if it would be awkward leaving it off on either the 'piercing scream' line or when the MC's arm regrows, but it might work better that way.

Overall, I think I'll do some restructuring and rewriting before I continue. Thank you once again. It helps me to see what others pick up on while reading.
 
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Nhatduongg

Yuyuko Saigyouji, The Dreaming Ghost
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
257
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I’d like to try too. However, I think my first chapter is not what you would expect from an usual first chapter, so maybe you could read the prologue instead.

 
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