This is my second time going, hope it somehow got better.
So I moved what happened in the old prologue to chapter 1, and the new one I gave some rough ideas about what’s going on. But I think my explanations are quite hard to understand, what’s your opinion?
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I don't remember the original, but let's just go through the writing here in detail:
It was especially cold and dark this time of day on the mountain, but there was still a bit of light from the stars,
so a shadow can be seen moving in the snow if paid enough attention.
Distractingly passive voice and the "if paid enough attention" is clunky.
The figure was moving towards the top of the mountain, and
it looked like that of a man. Although people often went
there for sightseeing, it was strange that he chose to go in the
night.
You never establish a figure. So "A figure". The refers to something specific we already know. Was moving is passive. Try: "A figure climbed towards the top of the mountain." Don't tell us what it "looked like," just describe it. If you're being clever and trying to imply it might not be human be more overt. Try: "Under the folds of clothes, what existed there
looked human." The scene is set on the mountain. Our POV is with the man. So here not there. And then you JUST established it was day in the last paragraph.
Around ten minutes later, he came across a small cabin on the way and went inside.
You just established the scene. Why have a time cut. Why not start with him climbing towards the cabin?
It looked like a typical cabin that climbers could use to take a rest before they continue. The inside was old and dusty like nobody visited the place for centuries. Well, that was true, because a company decided to build an elevator all the way to the peak of this
mount, people started to use that lift instead of walking the rough and dangerous paths.
Stop saying something "looks" a way. That's a filler word. Just say, "The cabin was the run of the mill type of cabin used for wary travelers. It had. . ." Just describe stuff without reminding us we're looking in from the outside. And then the highlighted mount and comma, that's two independent clauses. Use a period or a semi colon.
As a result, all the stopping points, refilling stations, and such were abandoned and fell apart one by one. However, this single wood house was the only thing that stood through the years,
and the reason being.
What is that ending? You just stopped writing in the middle of a sentence.
The man opened a secret door
on the
wall, it led to a tiny room with a metal trapdoor,
looked with a password pad. He tried to enter the code a few times, but the
thing appeared to be broken.
In the wall. Two independent clauses. Use a period or something else. locked? You're an omniscient narrator. Dont' tell us what something appears to be. Tell us what it is. Or better yet, show us. "The number pad let out a whine and a hiss, broken beyond repair."
Giving it up, he just raised his leg and
landed on the door,
resulting in a loud bang as it fell and
crashed on the floor below.
Word choice. x2. Confusing. I think you just mean that the door fell over, but "below" makes it seem like it feel down some stairs or something.
He came to an underground chamber. There was no light down there, so he used <Illuminate>. Some stuff was left covered in dust on the table, a few pieces of paper, a pen, an electric lamp, and a stove. He took the paper and leaned against the wall.
Door to underground chamber? Feels like we need a transition.
It was s
ome kind of a letter, written in English.
Vague.