TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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The audience bit was more a comment on my tastes. I don't like these types of stories particularly, but like I said, lots of people do.
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Anon_Y_Mousse
Semicolon Enjoyer
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Huh, strange, I didn't get a notification for this reply. Well, it's good to see that my first chapter gets the point across.
SirDogeTheFirst
Lord Of The Potatoes
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It sounds fun, so roast me or bless me, I am ready to ride to the top of the havens and fall to the seven pits of hell. ( I also need reviews/feedbacks)
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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Would not keep reading.It sounds fun, so roast me or bless me, I am ready to ride to the top of the havens and fall to the seven pits of hell. ( I also need reviews/feedbacks)
The writing is super rough with enough info in the comments to give you a head there. Story wise it's kind of random. I get you're just establishing the guy before he goes to another world, but that's my point. You don't establish him. You tell us he's a war hero, so I figured we'd hear war stories when he's with his friends from the war. But like. That never happens. You tell us things without showing.
You annoying swap pov's been first and third.
The character writing in what's said is rough.
Just all around.
LostLibrarian
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And now for something completely different (compared to my other novels):
www.scribblehub.com
Beyond Those Lights [a LitRPG Harem]
Rac is an Unseeable. Someone without a system on a planet dominated by those who can wield these mysterious powers. Nothing more than a bug crawling through the dumpsters below the surface of the civilized world. Scavenging, stealing, lying - his daily routine is filled with anything that can...
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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Would keep reading.And now for something completely different (compared to my other novels):
Beyond Those Lights [a LitRPG Harem]
Rac is an Unseeable. Someone without a system on a planet dominated by those who can wield these mysterious powers. Nothing more than a bug crawling through the dumpsters below the surface of the civilized world. Scavenging, stealing, lying - his daily routine is filled with anything that can...
At this point, we've established that you know how to write. You have very good prose and it's enjoyable. The setting was interesting and made me think of Alita. I have no substantive critiques to give outside of the overall tone going a bit too nihilistic edge lord. It worked when there was substance to it, it grated when it was hollow.
Lloyd
Professional Writer
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Please give it a look.
www.scribblehub.com
Summoned Zero: Isekai of Dungeons and Kingdoms
A fun, fast paced Isekai about building a kingdom and completing dungeons. Cover art by Ninestar https://www.scribblehub.com/profile/59300/ninestar619/
LostLibrarian
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I think this is one of the points that bother me. Like I don't want to be that "everything so cruel and bla bla" "Standard-Sci-Fi" but go a bit more into the "fun side of the shit life". Thought about making the MC a bit more talking back, but that made it feel even more edgy...
Guess it's easier to do that over the course of a few chapters, so the biggest question is probably "too much edge to continue" and it's good to see that it's still bearable :D
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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And I like I said, it wasn't every time he was talking. He was fun sometimes and sometimes he wasn't.
D
Deleted member 60765
Guest
Welp, I'm gonna write a new novel, but I will need someone to proof check and evaluate first, so here we go!
It's gonna be a multiple-POV one.
It's gonna be a multiple-POV one.
The futuristic setting in the 30th century didn’t happen in harmony.
These days, we are facing many types of diseases, evolved viruses threatening the whole medical system of the world. Many experiments were conducted to find an antidote for every disease, but they all failed, due to the harsh environment of the exotic outer space, and numerous revolutions from many alternate universes…
The politics didn’t go on well either, as the governments from everywhere suffered from terrorism, riots, and… needless to say, consecutive civil wars. Only Vietnam and Russia were able to keep their citizens in peace, but this was not enough for a planet like Earth.
Only two countries had the guts to set out many political and civil laws, but neither of them was accepted by the European Union.
The wars… were all started because of the health demands.
Like I said before, the fate of mankind is facing lots of menace in medical senses, and many fatal cases caused by evolved viruses were recorded. Not only modifying the human body into otherworldly creatures, but these viruses also messed up genes of the plants and animals, some even turned their host into an unfathomable genetic abomination. Poverty, world hunger are wreaking havoc these days…
Since then, every gifted scientist from all over the world has gathered in one place to find a solution for this pandemic.
With hi-tech devices and advanced tools, they were able to find the genetic codes of the original virus prototype, which somehow helped them at the initial steps to make a proper type of antidote.
However, they could not find a way to eliminate this virus, as this shit was reluctantly resistant to everything which would kill a normal virus: high temperature, natural resistance, and even antibiotics couldn’t even do shit to this bullcrap. There was only one effective way to kill it, which was exposing them to an extremely cold environment in space, but no astronauts could risk their life going into space and operating the defrost system. The hospitals also reached their maximum capacity for putting too many people in quarantine, and they couldn’t keep more infected astronauts.
Even though they didn’t succeed in finding a vaccine, they decided to produce a type of drug that allowed citizens to build up resistance to the virus…temporarily. It was not as effective as the real medicine, but soon the political issues were solved by those magical pills. The virus crisis was also be solved.
Most scientists gave up on finding a vaccine for this virus.
Except… one of their colleagues.
Welp, I didn’t know who he was but by taking a glance at his laboratories, all I could say was that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. In other words, he was really rich. Well, he had wasted his money on unfruitful research, and he felt frustrated about the negative attitudes of every one of his colleagues in finding an antidote.
To make up something about him, he was my friend.
Wait, did I say I didn’t know him? Yes, I didn’t know his name, nor did he want to share it with me. I called him “The Introvert”, and it pretty much summed his personality: he is introverted. We usually paired up as lab partners back when I was in university, and we seemed to get along with each other very well. The only thing I felt uncomfortable with him was the fact that he didn’t want to share his name…
Speaking of names, my name is Hazel Chiller, one of the… nearly unemployed citizens here. I currently have to travel to Ha Noi, one of the five cities which suffered the least from the zombie apocalypse.
Wait, did I mention the zombie apocalypse? Well, sadly as it is, but it was my friend who caused it.
When the vaccine campaign failed, my friend decided to launch his travel rocket to the void, with the hope to find other habitable planets. However, during his space voyage, he found a really strange substance floating in space. This must be one of the unknown ingredients in the antidote, so he experimented… and it turned out his antidote worked.
When he introduced the vaccine, all the world seemed to explode in enthusiasm. Some even said that this innovation was the furthest leap in the field of medicine, and the vaccine was then spread widely.
The whole twist was here when some bad guys took away the vaccine before it was even spread, and they messed with the vaccine using some type of chemicals. My friend was the first one to get vaccinated from that poisonous one.
The harmful antidote was once again published, and they even get it vaccinated for the children and everyone for FREE. I mean, free healthcare is not a bad thing, especially during the pandemic, but isn’t it way too suspicious?
Anyway, as a result, this epidemic bursts.
I don’t know what their motives are, and what is the purpose of the zombie apocalypse, but because I’m in quarantine in a green city like Ha Noi, where you can have some fresh air to breathe, it is terrible. Walking is good for your cardiovascular system, but not walking with the man-eating undead. That will be the opposite remedy.
Well, let’s talk about a day of mine.
Sometimes when the supplies ran out, I would usually go out of the safe zone for a raid, and by “raid” I mean going around the ruins and searching for essential stuff. I have to do this almost every day to survive this post-apocalyptic world.
Sometimes I get firearms and ammunition, sometimes it’s food, but finding even a can of tomato soup is considered a blessing from the lord, so I usually have to eat dog meat and other disgusting things. The worst thing about this is, I have to frequently put my life on the line for nothing at all, really, nothing.
Anyway, I searched around the remains of buildings for a while, look at what I have found! A bar of shampoo, and it’s still usable. Normally people wouldn’t be super happy when they find shampoo bars, but those are quite important in a world full of zombies. Cleaning myself to get rid of germs and stay sanitized is important. I don’t want them anywhere near my injuries. If they managed to crawl into even the slightest wound on my body, I’m pretty much doomed. Also, I got some AK-47 magazines, which will come in handy later for heavy zombie assaults...
Creak…
- Blaarraghhhhhhhhhhhh…
- RAAAUUUUGHHHH!
Ah, crap, those noises, the zombies are coming. *insert not quoting Plants vs Zombies* These things are super sensitive to sounds. Luckily, I have prepared for situations like this. Killing zombies is quite easy, just grab something long and hard, in my case, it’s a Vietnamese flag right next to me. and stab or smash them in the head.
“GO F*CKING DIE, BOOMERS!”
CRUSH!
Hell yeah, a direct strike into the medulla! That nonsense won’t be messing with me anymore, but I have to get out of here as fast as possible, or else I’m gonna get eaten alive…
… With a hope to finding more survivors during my journey.
These days, we are facing many types of diseases, evolved viruses threatening the whole medical system of the world. Many experiments were conducted to find an antidote for every disease, but they all failed, due to the harsh environment of the exotic outer space, and numerous revolutions from many alternate universes…
The politics didn’t go on well either, as the governments from everywhere suffered from terrorism, riots, and… needless to say, consecutive civil wars. Only Vietnam and Russia were able to keep their citizens in peace, but this was not enough for a planet like Earth.
Only two countries had the guts to set out many political and civil laws, but neither of them was accepted by the European Union.
The wars… were all started because of the health demands.
Like I said before, the fate of mankind is facing lots of menace in medical senses, and many fatal cases caused by evolved viruses were recorded. Not only modifying the human body into otherworldly creatures, but these viruses also messed up genes of the plants and animals, some even turned their host into an unfathomable genetic abomination. Poverty, world hunger are wreaking havoc these days…
Since then, every gifted scientist from all over the world has gathered in one place to find a solution for this pandemic.
With hi-tech devices and advanced tools, they were able to find the genetic codes of the original virus prototype, which somehow helped them at the initial steps to make a proper type of antidote.
However, they could not find a way to eliminate this virus, as this shit was reluctantly resistant to everything which would kill a normal virus: high temperature, natural resistance, and even antibiotics couldn’t even do shit to this bullcrap. There was only one effective way to kill it, which was exposing them to an extremely cold environment in space, but no astronauts could risk their life going into space and operating the defrost system. The hospitals also reached their maximum capacity for putting too many people in quarantine, and they couldn’t keep more infected astronauts.
Even though they didn’t succeed in finding a vaccine, they decided to produce a type of drug that allowed citizens to build up resistance to the virus…temporarily. It was not as effective as the real medicine, but soon the political issues were solved by those magical pills. The virus crisis was also be solved.
Most scientists gave up on finding a vaccine for this virus.
Except… one of their colleagues.
Welp, I didn’t know who he was but by taking a glance at his laboratories, all I could say was that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. In other words, he was really rich. Well, he had wasted his money on unfruitful research, and he felt frustrated about the negative attitudes of every one of his colleagues in finding an antidote.
To make up something about him, he was my friend.
Wait, did I say I didn’t know him? Yes, I didn’t know his name, nor did he want to share it with me. I called him “The Introvert”, and it pretty much summed his personality: he is introverted. We usually paired up as lab partners back when I was in university, and we seemed to get along with each other very well. The only thing I felt uncomfortable with him was the fact that he didn’t want to share his name…
Speaking of names, my name is Hazel Chiller, one of the… nearly unemployed citizens here. I currently have to travel to Ha Noi, one of the five cities which suffered the least from the zombie apocalypse.
Wait, did I mention the zombie apocalypse? Well, sadly as it is, but it was my friend who caused it.
When the vaccine campaign failed, my friend decided to launch his travel rocket to the void, with the hope to find other habitable planets. However, during his space voyage, he found a really strange substance floating in space. This must be one of the unknown ingredients in the antidote, so he experimented… and it turned out his antidote worked.
When he introduced the vaccine, all the world seemed to explode in enthusiasm. Some even said that this innovation was the furthest leap in the field of medicine, and the vaccine was then spread widely.
The whole twist was here when some bad guys took away the vaccine before it was even spread, and they messed with the vaccine using some type of chemicals. My friend was the first one to get vaccinated from that poisonous one.
The harmful antidote was once again published, and they even get it vaccinated for the children and everyone for FREE. I mean, free healthcare is not a bad thing, especially during the pandemic, but isn’t it way too suspicious?
Anyway, as a result, this epidemic bursts.
I don’t know what their motives are, and what is the purpose of the zombie apocalypse, but because I’m in quarantine in a green city like Ha Noi, where you can have some fresh air to breathe, it is terrible. Walking is good for your cardiovascular system, but not walking with the man-eating undead. That will be the opposite remedy.
Well, let’s talk about a day of mine.
Sometimes when the supplies ran out, I would usually go out of the safe zone for a raid, and by “raid” I mean going around the ruins and searching for essential stuff. I have to do this almost every day to survive this post-apocalyptic world.
Sometimes I get firearms and ammunition, sometimes it’s food, but finding even a can of tomato soup is considered a blessing from the lord, so I usually have to eat dog meat and other disgusting things. The worst thing about this is, I have to frequently put my life on the line for nothing at all, really, nothing.
Anyway, I searched around the remains of buildings for a while, look at what I have found! A bar of shampoo, and it’s still usable. Normally people wouldn’t be super happy when they find shampoo bars, but those are quite important in a world full of zombies. Cleaning myself to get rid of germs and stay sanitized is important. I don’t want them anywhere near my injuries. If they managed to crawl into even the slightest wound on my body, I’m pretty much doomed. Also, I got some AK-47 magazines, which will come in handy later for heavy zombie assaults...
Creak…
- Blaarraghhhhhhhhhhhh…
- RAAAUUUUGHHHH!
Ah, crap, those noises, the zombies are coming. *insert not quoting Plants vs Zombies* These things are super sensitive to sounds. Luckily, I have prepared for situations like this. Killing zombies is quite easy, just grab something long and hard, in my case, it’s a Vietnamese flag right next to me. and stab or smash them in the head.
“GO F*CKING DIE, BOOMERS!”
CRUSH!
Hell yeah, a direct strike into the medulla! That nonsense won’t be messing with me anymore, but I have to get out of here as fast as possible, or else I’m gonna get eaten alive…
… With a hope to finding more survivors during my journey.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
- Messages
- 977
- Points
- 133
Would not keep reading.Please give it a look.
Summoned Zero: Isekai of Dungeons and Kingdoms
A fun, fast paced Isekai about building a kingdom and completing dungeons. Cover art by Ninestar https://www.scribblehub.com/profile/59300/ninestar619/
it's nicely written but pretty middle of the road as far as these things go, and there are a lot of them. I'm sure people who like this sort of thing will be a fan, but nothing stands out or hooks me.
Don't know if you're still doing this...but I'd love to hear your words...Be as brutal as you want to be lol 
www.scribblehub.com
Former Crown Prince favors the Villainess
The mood of the entire Empire of Zemira changed overnight with the death of the Empress, Helena Zemira. It was even worse for her son the Crown Prince, Arthur Zemira. When things proved to be difficult, the Emperor brought in his mistress, a princess of a fallen kingdom. With her,...
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
- Messages
- 977
- Points
- 133
Would keep reading.Don't know if you're still doing this...but I'd love to hear your words...Be as brutal as you want to be lol
Former Crown Prince favors the Villainess
The mood of the entire Empire of Zemira changed overnight with the death of the Empress, Helena Zemira. It was even worse for her son the Crown Prince, Arthur Zemira. When things proved to be difficult, the Emperor brought in his mistress, a princess of a fallen kingdom. With her,...
I think it works on almost every level but the prose. The way things are presented is kind of awful, but this gets lumped in to the rare category of "It doesn't matter because everything else is well done." As a webnovel, I think it works.
Ahhh...okay, so the flow is not right. I've felt it too...and many of my readers pointed it out to me too. I'm still working on it though. Thank you for your spending your time with my novel!!
D
Deleted member 60765
Guest
New novel... hope it's okay, or roast me if you want to.
www.scribblehub.com
S.O.A.Z (Squad of Anti Zombies)
In 3046, there was a tragedy caused by the void viruses from outer space, turning citizens into zombies. Endeavors and hopes to put people into quarantine, fighting with the zombies were lost...
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
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- 977
- Points
- 133
Would not keep reading.New novel... hope it's okay, or roast me if you want to.
S.O.A.Z (Squad of Anti Zombies)
In 3046, there was a tragedy caused by the void viruses from outer space, turning citizens into zombies. Endeavors and hopes to put people into quarantine, fighting with the zombies were lost...
It has that quality of constantly saying, "What?" You don't establish things and its madness. Why does she want to get out of the school. Why does she have a shapeshifting gun. Why is someone who is about to die talking in this light and airy tone. Why are the computers working. Why is the character devoting their time to write things on a computer when they plan to leave and never come back. Also they're doing that on the eve of going to leave. So they aren't planning and getting prepared, they're writing crap.
The prose is readable, but it has that unique quality where everything else just feels completely alien
D
Deleted member 60765
Guest
Welp, a more full explanation is needed though. Thanks for letting me know...
(At least I was happy to know that my prose is okay... It tends to be very disorganized...)
Oh wait a minute, I guess I have written the reason why she wanted to get out of school, read it carefully, my friend. (she is running out of supplies, and the protection system can no longer protect her...)
Why is someone who is about to die talking in this light and airy tone? Because she does not have the time to panic about her death.
Last edited by a moderator:
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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"Now it's done, and I'm now finding a way to escape this place."
The stated reason that she is leaving is because she is done with her computer thingy.
"I’m also running out of food and water."
The second paragraph where you say she's leaving. you wait until the very end to add on this phrase. Normally cause comes before effect. "I am running out of water, so I need to leave." Not, "I'm leaving. blah blah blah. Oh and I'm running out of water. That's weird isn't it?"
That's what I mean by establishment. You establish the things we need to know so when the characters act on them it makes sense. As opposed to having them act and then explaining it later in a way that makes it seem like those reasons weren't very important in the first place.
Bartun
Friendly Saurian Neighbor
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2020
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I could use the feedback so here it goes.
www.scribblehub.com
Nowhere to Run - Prologue: Nowhere to Run | Scribble Hub
Villam
New member
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- Sep 19, 2021
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Hi, this is my story and needs feedback. Thanks.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/357189-northmen-saga/chapter/357192/
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/357189-northmen-saga/chapter/357192/
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