TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
- Messages
- 925
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- 133
First thing first, let me just say I loved reading this. Would not keep reading, but this was the happiest reading something I've been in a long time.I could use the feedback so here it goes.
Nowhere to Run - Prologue: Nowhere to Run | Scribble Hub
www.scribblehub.com
Why is that? This was almost identical to the first thing I ever wrote (except for the rapey bits) when I was sixteen for my first book. Prologue, all the same elements, pretty similar writing style. So it was oddly nostalgic.
But on to the substantive critique. Basically you have a good sense of excitement and pacing to your writing, but you have a removed and extremely unpolished writing style that is a drag to read. Let's just go through the first paragraph:
Very deep in the dark forest, a blurry figure was running fast. Behind said figure were another four giving chase in close pursuit, getting dangerously closer by the second, like a pack of hungry predators chasing down their prey. Looking in detail one could draw the picture of a young girl, dressed in long ritual garments. Breathing quickly and panting heavily bordering on exhaustion, and desperately trying to lose her pursuers. Following her footsteps right behind her, four men armed with knives and swords.
Very deep in the dark forest, a blurry figure was running fast: Passive
Behind said figure were another four giving chase in close pursuit, getting dangerously closer by the second, like a pack of hungry predators chasing down their prey: "Said figure is redundant. You are already juxtaposed. Passive. clunky passing on the gerund/simile.
Looking in detail one could draw the picture of a young girl, dressed in long ritual garments. Extremely detached in an in the moment action scene. Just describe her, don't stop an action scene to use pastoral establishing language. Also, the hell is a ritual garments. Paint a picture for your audience. What does it look like if you feel the need to describe it. I wouldn't structure it like that. Start with an action beat and fill out the first paragraph and then in the second paragraph take a step back to describe the things we need to understand the scene. Form and function.
Breathing quickly and panting heavily bordering on exhaustion, and desperately trying to lose her pursuers: Read what you wrote
Following her footsteps right behind her, four men armed with knives and swords: once again read what you wrote. And minor stylistic note, don't open with a prep phrase on high pacing. It slows it down. If the action is getting complicated and the reader may not follow, then throw that crap in there.
Would not keep reading.
I like the setting and I don't think I've ever seen a web novel do the Norse flavor, but the writing was generally pretty confused. To the point that the places where you took risks and made it work, I just kind of ended up assuming those were mistakes and not an intentional subversion of form. If nothing else, the one thing I always say is to not get lost as to what's being said.
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