Free First Chapter Feedback

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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@TheTrinary

as promised, the first chapter for that smut I've been working on

it's a bit long, though
Would keep reading.

You won me over with your first sentence. And listen, I've read so much of your stuff at this point. You're a great writer fundamentally and you really only suffer from a lack of editing and condensing. However, you've made up for that with an abundance of ideas. The thirty pages don't feel like thirty pages when you've got five different stories elements being brought up. By the time God was introduced, I was just like, what?

I know I've talked down on that sort of thing in the past (like my last video) but it works when you devote enough time to each element and none of them clash.

I think you're 7/7 for positive reactions at this point. Maybe 6/7, that chicken one dragged.
 
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BenJepheneT

Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
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Jul 14, 2019
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5,333
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Would keep reading.

You won me over with your first sentence. And listen, I've read so much of your stuff at this point. You're a great writer fundamentally you really suffers from a lack of editing and condensing. However, you've made up for that with an abundance of ideas. The thirty pages don't feel like thirty pages when you've got five different stories elements being brought up. By the time God was introduced, I was just like, what?

I know I've talked down on that sort of thing in the past (like my last video) but it works when you devote enough time to each element and none of them clash.

I think you're 7/7 for positive reactions at this point. Maybe 6/7, that chicken one dragged.
hell yeah

expect me to drop an entry into your weekly roundup somewhere around early next year with the same book

don't worry, i have plans on following up with those ideas. i dropped most of them earlier down on the first chapter so that readers would know what the fuck they're getting into when picking up the series.

if it ain't too much to ask, though, aside from editing and conciseness, what else do you think is lacking in this chapter, along with things you'd change if you have the reigns to do so
 

Teona

Member
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Oct 25, 2021
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A feedback would be great!

 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
824
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133
Eh, why not? The zeroth/first chapter is technically split into 3 parts, but for your purposes, you can likely treat the very first installment as the first chapter.

Would not keep reading.

This is probably the most high effort thing I've ever given a thumbs down to, but that in itself is sort of the problem here. It's completely overwritten. Not like Sound and the Fury overwritten, but overwritten in an abjectly contradictory sense. If you told me this was a parody, I'd believe it.

So not only do you fail to present the in world terminology in a naturalistic way to the point that you have to include a glossary, but you do it inconsistently. "Vyuta and Osedka plena". I got in context those were stars and moons, but what is plena? Why explain your world building in some parts but not in others? I ideally, you don't do it at all. I'm thinking of a book like Hyperion where it is ostensibly goblty gook at first but by the end of the book it all makes sense and the reader has basically learned another language. That's not what's going on here. Your confusion stems from opaque world building that is inconsistent.

And oh boy is it inconsistent. Let's set aside the glossary terms for now. Why does your narrator start speaking French? I thought this was a fantasy world with a fantasy lexicon. But then they start speaking French. So which is it? Is this a fantasy book or are you doing something literary– writing the friggen Ulysses.

And that's more important than it's initial issue, because when you throw in something like Osedka plena and dont explain it at all like you do other terms, now I'm thinking that it's a reference to real life and I'm googling and finding nothing. And that's the whole story really. There's a complete contrast with how you want to tell the story and the elements of said story.

Why are they talking about themselves in first person? Because you wanted to tell it that way. It's in no way justified.

Other parts are inconsistent. There is a noticeable shift in your narrator's speech pattern around the part where they introduced themselves. That's weird.

And I could go on and on but you get the point. You are fundamentally an amazing writer in terms of prose and your ability to craft sentences, but. . . . You're a big ole dummy in story telling. You include things at random because you feel like it or because you've seen it done and you haven't made an effort to understand WHY authors use those elements in a story. It's well and good and all if you're just making something because you like it, but if someone else is going to read it you need to actively examine your choices and decide what you're communicating by making them.
I'll bite. I've just joined the site and am currently planning about 2k words a week:

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/378187-the-shining-blades/chapter/378195/
Would not keep reading.

There's no huge critique to give here, just that it didn't really hook me in any way. It's a perfectly acceptable web novel.
If you could check out mine that would be great.

Mixed feelings here.

So there's a lot that I like story wise and it has real promise there. My conflict comes in the presentation. The writing is rough and you have a particular issue with holding to the correct tense. Less of a complaint, but other areas are weak prose-wise with some weird issues and weak writing.

It's also quite long at almost 7k words. For something that looks like a webnovel, reads like a webnovel, and it's weakest point is prose, that's too long for me. You're asking a lot from the audience without making it easy on them.

So anyway, I think this is the sort of thing that got cleaned up and punched up that I'd like very much. It's something that very much feels like a rough draft.
A feedback would be great!

The prose isn't the worst thing ever but you have serious issues with tense, and the general construction and phrasing of your sentences is pretty awkward. It's one of those stories where I read about five paragraphs before putting it down. Really good story telling can overcome bad writing on rare occasions, but they were about equivalent at where I was.
 
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K_Jira

Active member
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Oct 27, 2021
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I don't know if you are still accepting, but I would appreciate it if you can give me feedback on mine. Its main genre it's BL. Thank you 😁👍

This is the title: Heaven's Will
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
824
Points
133
I don't know if you are still accepting, but I would appreciate it if you can give me feedback on mine. Its main genre it's BL. Thank you 😁👍

This is the title: Heaven's Will
Would not keep reading.

It was kind of hard to follow. For an American, the foreign names are rough, but there are good and bad ways to present them. You had so many. On the other hand, I read a book called the Poppy War which was just as Chinese(?) and had no troubles what so ever. So there's a lot to be said in presenting information.

And on that track, the plot is meandering and bounces. Like, if I asked you what this chapter was about, you couldn't give me one answer. It doesn't have a focus.

And then the writing is a bit off. Sometimes you lack details and it's terse, but other times its just confusing. Like the paragraph about the waitress with the drinks falling over. I know that kind of beat from other stories that have done it, but if I had never seen those, I would have no idea what you were trying to communicate.
 

K_Jira

Active member
Joined
Oct 27, 2021
Messages
135
Points
43
Would not keep reading.

It was kind of hard to follow. For an American, the foreign names are rough, but there are good and bad ways to present them. You had so many. On the other hand, I read a book called the Poppy War which was just as Chinese(?) and had no troubles what so ever. So there's a lot to be said in presenting information.

And on that track, the plot is meandering and bounces. Like, if I asked you what this chapter was about, you couldn't give me one answer. It doesn't have a focus.

And then the writing is a bit off. Sometimes you lack details and it's terse, but other times its just confusing. Like the paragraph about the waitress with the drinks falling over. I know that kind of beat from other stories that have done it, but if I had never seen those, I would have no idea what you were trying to communicate.
I understand. I'll try to fix those in my next story since this one has already been finished and stocked for daily updates. Thank you for your time and feedback 😊
 

Arthur-67

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Jul 8, 2021
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UPDATE: Be sure to check out my other thread and my Youtube channel: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
Hi, I've just posted my first chapter of my new series, id love some feedback and know what you think. Its a dark fantasy story.
Humans Are Delicious | Scribble Hub
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
824
Points
133
Hi, I've just posted my first chapter of my new series, id love some feedback and know what you think. Its a dark fantasy story.
Humans Are Delicious | Scribble Hub
Would keep reading.

I quite enjoyed that. Good job.
Hey, would you keep reading mine? I meant to write a first chapter that is catching but idk if I succeded

Villains are annoying
Would not keep reading.

It's written fine. I just didn't connect with anything. It's one long prolonged action scene without any sense of the characters or the stakes. There's some banter and a basic premise for the set up, but at no point was I fed enough information about the conflict or the characters to really care.

It's very much something that could use a couple paragraphs before or right after the opening hook explaining the MC's point of view and their stakes. Just about every element lacks a foundation.
 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
824
Points
133
Would not keep reading.

You start by playing up a very normal thing in the most extreme way possible to the point that I became confused if it was a normal thing. It's hyperbolic right?

And then you have your Mc just telling us stuff about their life. We don't find anything out on our own. We're just spoon fed information in the first person.

It levels off and improves with the cat since it's your premise and far more interesting, but it doesn't save it for me.
 

Deeprotsorcerer

Skeletal Eromancer
Joined
Aug 24, 2021
Messages
331
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108
Pst. Can ya give my shameful excuse of a story a hit?

 

TrainingArc

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2022
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9
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3

I was originally planning to publish this in scribble hub right away. But I don't want to publish something that is doomed from the start. This is my first novel after all, and one that I wrote on a whim. I'd be honored to know what you think about it.
 

EternalSunset0

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
1,146
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153
Here we go again (for the fifth time lol). Almost forgot about the thread on one hand. On the other, I was wondering if you're still doing this, so yeah.

 
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