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jabathehut

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Dude is copying my Avi for some reason. Dunno why. It's my fav anime character of all time. Mugen from Samurai Champloo.

And the first chapter is not even half as long as every chapter following it. Deciding whether to continue something on a single chapter alone isnt particularly wise since professionals allow for 10 pages before making a decision. But thanks for the praise on the personality parts.
 

TheTrinary

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Dude is copying my Avi for some reason. Dunno why. It's my fav anime character of all time. Mugen from Samurai Champloo.

And the first chapter is not even half as long as every chapter following it. Deciding whether to continue something on a single chapter alone isnt particularly wise since professionals allow for 10 pages before making a decision. But thanks for the praise on the personality parts.
Yea it's limited but that's what this thread is. I'm not reviewing a whole story or a set amount. 1st chapter. No prologue. No chapter 2. No more, no less.
 

jabathehut

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i dont read past the first chapter if i dont like the first chapter when im picking up a new story unless its a xianxia
 

High-in-the-skys

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Just wanna try taking a bite but...
Can you try mine and say whats on you're opinion on my ugly story?
(Just around 500 words, found at my signature)
(Main point of my story is grammar soo...kinda appreciate if you rate it)
 
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TheTrinary

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Just wanna try taking a bite but...
Can you try mine and say whats on you're opinion on my ugly story?
(Just around 500 words, found at my signature)
(Main point of my story is grammar soo...kinda appreciate if you rate it)

Sorry no. You start off with a character waking up with the most trite way to open a story ever. Unless you have a really clever way to do something like that, just don't do it. And then everything else just felt in the vein of that really random humor. Really didn't vibe for me.
 

TheTrinary

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Alright, here we go. Fire away at the story on my banner.

Hope I won't regret this. 😫

That's a no from me. At the very start, you had some grammar issue with verb tenses being wrong but that smoothed out after a page or two. Beyond that, I also had some confusion with all the breaks. You'd jump into a different person or a different time, and I was incredibly confused as to how it all related. You have at minimum, four different perspectives in your first chapter with no clear information when you switch over as to the when, where, or how it relates exactly.

I did like the premise though getting put inside a baby's body. You get to do it all over again except now you know all the answers. But there wasn't really any of that stuff which was a let down, and anything I really like on theory-- not enough was done with it.
 

TheTrinary

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My story is already going for quite a long time so I can't make a heavy revision on the first chapter but getting others' insight is very welcome. Here's the link https://www.scribblehub.com/series/141721/lord-of-the-ancient-/

So I have a lot of feelings on this one. First off, I love the little conversation at the end between the two "divine" being at the end of the chapter discussing their business. Normally in Isekai stories, there is really no rhyme or reason why the switch happens and its kind of "just go with it" thing. Here though, I really liked the idea you had on principle.

Also, on principle, I thought the start of your story was well done structurally. I like to see a chapter to get to know the character and find out about them and their lives before swapping over. Most of the time, the connection to the MC is the only thing you start with that's interesting so that's good to see.

Now on to the bad. I think this is really a question of prose and execution. Prose is really awkward in some places and doesn't read right. Outside of the word choice and sentence construction, just the WAY you go about telling the story is kind of awkward and off-putting. Especially given the topic about a character being cheated on by his wife. Once again, I think that's a great idea in theory, but you really have to do it right.

So overall, I would say execution of ideas is more important than ideas themselves, and for that reason I wouldn't keep reading.
 

TheTrinary

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The plot start with the prologue for me, so here it is:

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/219140-devils-despair/chapter/219183/

So I'll start by saying I wouldn't keep reading. It's a fine enough idea to start with, but the writing is problematic. Normally when I complain about grammar or writing style on this thread, I'm just saying that it got in my way of enjoying the story. But in your case, I was actively confused and actually had to reread sentences to be sure I knew what you were saying.
 

TheTrinary

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Are you against reading prologues since a lot tend to be infodumps with stiff prose or something like that? I actually designed mine to hook the reader and it's still my most favorited chapter, so I'm curious what you think.

Not at all. I'll read through the prologue if that's what you want. Normally it's just that they aren't the real hook of the story and the first chapter is a better evaluation. BRB.

EDIT: Yea I really like it. There's a lot of personality in the text and its pretty fun. The MC is a little grating as it goes on though but on the whole it's far more positive than negative. I'd say yes, I would keep reading.
 
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Tessa_Renalds

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Do you want to give my Traveler series a try? Or Origin...? Just the first chapter; what’s your thoughts? It’s in my signature below.
I know for a fact The Relic will be a No. lmao 😂 not gonna even try that one.
 

ForestDweller

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That's a no from me. At the very start, you had some grammar issue with verb tenses being wrong but that smoothed out after a page or two. Beyond that, I also had some confusion with all the breaks. You'd jump into a different person or a different time, and I was incredibly confused as to how it all related. You have at minimum, four different perspectives in your first chapter with no clear information when you switch over as to the when, where, or how it relates exactly.

I did like the premise though getting put inside a baby's body. You get to do it all over again except now you know all the answers. But there wasn't really any of that stuff which was a let down, and anything I really like on theory-- not enough was done with it.

Yeah, maybe I should've used third person POV instead of jumping between MC's POV and his sister's POV like that.

He doesn't know all the answers though. He's a failure in his previous life so he can't just straight up be a successful person in the next one.

I don't know how you'd fit that in a single first chapter though.
 

TheTrinary

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Yeah, maybe I should've used third person POV instead of jumping between MC's POV and his sister's POV like that.

He doesn't know all the answers though. He's a failure in his previous life so he can't just straight up be a successful person in the next one.

I don't know how you'd fit that in a single first chapter though.
Well if you're open to my opinion, I think the issue was the sheer amount of break always. You start out in their new life. Then you cut back to their previous life, and then you cut again and again and finally again.

It's less interesting, but you could tell the story more sequentially although I recognize it would start off a little more boring then. Also, you could just be more clear about the cuts in time. Make a header that says XXXX years ago. Or more appropriately, MY PAST LIFE. Stuff like that. It's like a transitional phrase used to glue different paragraphs together, except its entire sections instead of paragraphs.
 
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