Free First Chapter Feedback

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TheDark0ne

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Could you please give my 1 chapter a feedback and suggestions.
It's my first time writting and posting so i would like if you could.
Name is Back Again
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Would not keep reading.

First off, numbers. Write them out. Never, and I mean never, use 2.

And otherwise, the writing is super rough. He leader of them COMMA OR N-DASH 'Jwa Dong Sun' COMMA OR N-DASH pointed at me or something in front of him. (Or you could just get rid of the useless modifier "of them")

In other parts, it was kind of dumb. They were confident that they won't be held accountable for my death, because their parents were Big Businessman. 'Big Businessmen' is super goofy. And otherwise, you are really telling and not showing here. It's a blunt and dumb cliché regardless, but you can still punch it up.

Try: They never even considered they would be held accountable for my death. Considering the money they came from, they were probably right. (There are 1001 ways to write this).

And otherwise, I think you have a general structural problem here. Despite starting in the real world, you don't give us anything about the MC or his circumstances. All we know is that he is being bullied by rich kids and suicidal. Actually, I'm not even sure about the first one. It almost seems like the kids just happen to be at this bridge and aren't taking the threat of MC dying seriously. I couldn't tell you anyone's motivations. There is nothing that makes me like the MC.
 

Underload

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Would keep reading.

On to the specific question. Yes it is jarring. The initial premise and promise have nothing to do with portal fantasy. it's commendable when people take the extra effort to build out their stories and create a fantastical world, but it puts a greater burden on the writer to make the transition from one world to the next clean and sensible. Remember, your audience is expecting this sci-fi/magic story and we don't know about the "Flame magic" enough to understand that what's happening isn't normal and it's killing him.

It wasn't horribly clear the MC was dying. Why would the MC think he was going to another world? Things like that. I didn't go all the way through Chapter 2, but just skimming the start, I feel like all your issues could be resolved by just rewriting the ending of Chapter 1.
Thanks, T.
I was wondering, have you ever thought about reviewing the stories instead of replying in the thread? You know as well people rarely give reviews on this site.
It's up to you really. Great work as always. Ciao.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Thanks, T.
I was wondering, have you ever thought about reviewing the stories instead of replying in the thread? You know as well people rarely give reviews on this site.
It's up to you really. Great work as always. Ciao.
That's a lot of work. The only reviews I really do are through my youtube channel.

And there are a lot of reasons for this. First off, this is sort of a safe environment where people can get an honest opinion without fear of backlash. It isn't ideal, but reviews are permanent and affect how people view their stories and the potential for their success. That little star rating is a big deal for 90% of people.

And then my rating system isn't super in line with most people. On my channel where I make things clear I can do what I want, but treating 2.5 as an average around here is going to create some issues.
 

Squirrel

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UPDATE: Be sure to check out my other thread and my Youtube channel: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/435714-how-should-i-call-you/chapter/435725/ ok then can u check mine please and then review afterwards?
 

kingsky123

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Hello, i would appreciate if you would review my chapter, it is in my signature
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
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Messages
855
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133
Would not keep reading.

It's rough and has a ton of mistakes, but that didn't affect my enjoyment reading it. It's actually pretty readable. It's just something you should look into.

My problem just how disconnected this is. We don't have POV and we don't really have a narrative. It's all exposition. Literally the only thing we establish this entire chapter is that some soldiers are looking for a girl. There's obviously some finesse to it, but you could convey that information in a story-telling way as well. Something interesting to a person we establish could be happening and it gets interrupted by the plot. I need something to personally connect me to anything.

As is, it's like a boring prologue more than a first chapter.
Hello, i would appreciate if you would review my chapter, it is in my signature
Would not keep reading.

The communication of information is. . . problematic.

A brown tainted river with many strewn equipment lazily guided foragers. Her furrowed expression lightened as she turned the corner, a familiar face.
Explain. This is a typo right? "Her" is modifying "river", which I thought was poetic, but then. . . . Grabbing her shoulder and shoving her through the door, Raizon proceeded shortly after. Nope. Clearly you meant to be talking about a human.

It was risky for Anastasia to purchase snacks just moments after escaping from her pursuers, but she knew how much her little sister loved them. Huh. You were just talking about dumpster divers and crap; at no point did you establish a chase scene. Your character is describing something that JUST HAPPENED during the time you were describing other things.

Chases are exciting. Why would you not want to describe that? And if you want to be reserved, start your story with some guards or whoever looking around for something/ someone. We see the setting through their eyes, and then boom. We snap to our POV and we realize they are looking for her.
 
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Ayashiro

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Please give me your thoughts on my first chapter

 

kingsky123

New member
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Messages
19
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Would not keep reading.

It's rough and has a ton of mistakes, but that didn't affect my enjoyment reading it. It's actually pretty readable. It's just something you should look into.

My problem just how disconnected this is. We don't have POV and we don't really have a narrative. It's all exposition. Literally the only thing we establish this entire chapter is that some soldiers are looking for a girl. There's obviously some finesse to it, but you could convey that information in a story-telling way as well. Something interesting to a person we establish could be happening and it gets interrupted by the plot. I need something to personally connect me to anything.

As is, it's like a boring prologue more than a first chapter.

Would not keep reading.

The communication of information is. . . problematic.

A brown tainted river with many strewn equipment lazily guided foragers. Her furrowed expression lightened as she turned the corner, a familiar face.
Explain. This is a typo right? "Her" is modifying "river", which I thought was poetic, but then. . . . Grabbing her shoulder and shoving her through the door, Raizon proceeded shortly after. Nope. Clearly you meant to be talking about a human.

It was risky for Anastasia to purchase snacks just moments after escaping from her pursuers, but she knew how much her little sister loved them. Huh. You were just talking about dumpster divers and crap; at no point did you establish a chase scene. Your character is describing something that JUST HAPPENED during the time you were describing other things.

Chases are exciting. Why would you not want to describe that? And if you want to be reserved, start your story with some guards or whoever looking around for something/ someone. We see the setting through their eyes, and then boom. We snap to our POV and we realize they are looking for her.
thank you! I think i will work on it more before publishing again then. I'm getting good feedback from this experience. I think i need to review basic principles of wording before i attempt to progress further
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
855
Points
133
Please give me your thoughts on my first chapter

Would not keep reading.

It's clearly written and you have a lot of ideas, but (please take this construcively) how you present your story is the antithesis of what writers do. Writers paint pictures, they tell stories by walking us through what happens in vivid detail. There is clarity and a through line that we follow.

Let's just get into examples.

1. In this world, there were only two kinds of people. People with a signum and people without one. There is no fundamental difference between the two kinds of people. But somehow, along the passages of time, it became some sort of conception that people with a signum were somehow inferior. Through ruthless human nature, it eventually became the norm to put down or discriminate against people with signums. The tensions between both groups only increased. Hatred spewed back and forth between both sides. And it is at the peak of all of this crap, that I was born. 3. A boy with a signum on his left arm. My parents weren’t exactly the most well off but they knew how to take care of me. They were completely overjoyed when I was born. But the abrasive nature of the world takes its toll on everyone eventually. 4. The signum group was slowly starting to become dominated by the non-signum group. 5. I didn’t know much about my parent’s suffering until I started middle school. It was at that time when I felt the discrimination and the pain. Then slowly began the existentialism questions. Am I wrong for being born with a signum? I knew that this thought had been on everyone’s mind at some point of time. I could see it in my parent’s eyes every now and then. Somehow, when I thought of it, I just ended up laughing. Laughing at how disgusting the very thought was. How does a question like that even exist?

1. This is horribly stupid and you can do this with any dichotomy. There are two groups of people: those who like spaghetti and those who don't. You haven't made a clever observation, quite the opposite really.

2. Now here we get into descriptive language. You just use bad vagaries. "People discriminate. It is bad." This is not what writers do. We need details. We need clever descriptions of prejudice and hate and all the things you're referring to. You don't tell us "They hated the other group" you show us how they hated the group and then we, the reader, say, "Oh wow. They really hate that group." This is doubly important from the MC's perspective because he goes on in a couple paragraphs to point out he was a victim of discrimination. . . . Not an event, just discrimination (once again). We need actual experiences, and since the MC is narrating, let them be his.

3. This is the part where I really knew you were in trouble. You keep mentioning "signums" and this is the part where I thought you would FINALLY TELL US WHAT THEY ARE. Like, if you had given that information here, it would have been too late, but at least it would have been reasonable. But at no point in this entire chapter do you explain in any modicum of detail what the premise for your entire story entails. The hell is a signum?

4. Contradictory to your world building. We start off establishing a highly prejudicial world.

5. You can't have a world with a class system based on prejudice and expect for a kid not to understand that until they get to middle school. This is where I wonder if it's a writing issue or a personal experience issue in that you don't seem to understand people or people groups. Why are you writing about something that you don't know about? And if you do know about it, why is everything completely devoid of any hint of personal experience.

And then finally, outside of communication of information, there is story structure. Wherein, you have none. I get the impetus to give us an overview in the first chapter, but you really need to zero in on an idea. Maybe it's the entrance exam to the high school. Maybe it's something else you find interesting.

Essentially what you have is a single conversation/ confrontation at the end of the chapter. That is the only time you tell a story here. And then the rest of it is just the obligatory "how did we get here" You COULD start your story off with a bully fight, because people understand high school and it's pretty normal. But in your world building, he's at this super special high school and it isn't ordinary, so using that as your start really isn't viable because it skips over crucial details.

Actually, with the ideas of school and class structure, and bias. Go read the first chapter of the Poppy War by Kuang. See the difference in the way information is given and the story is told. Go paragraph by paragraph and see what the author is accomplishing with each. And hell, do that with your own work.
Would not keep reading.

There's actually a lot I like here. You have a good sense of description but the prose has some major issues. I actually thought you were being poetic at first because the description was on point, but then some of the issues were so glaring that it didn't work in even an artistic context. And that's pretty much how it read from then on out.

It feels like an "English as a Second Language Issue" which I know sucks. But hey, there's definitely some talent here so keep at it.
 
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Park_NamByul

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 18, 2020
Messages
53
Points
58
Would not keep reading.

It's clearly written and you have a lot of ideas, but (please take this construcively) how you present your story is the antithesis of what writers do. Writers paint pictures, they tell stories by walking us through what happens in vivid detail. There is clarity and a through line that we follow.

Let's just get into examples.

1. In this world, there were only two kinds of people. People with a signum and people without one. There is no fundamental difference between the two kinds of people. But somehow, along the passages of time, it became some sort of conception that people with a signum were somehow inferior. Through ruthless human nature, it eventually became the norm to put down or discriminate against people with signums. The tensions between both groups only increased. Hatred spewed back and forth between both sides. And it is at the peak of all of this crap, that I was born. 3. A boy with a signum on his left arm. My parents weren’t exactly the most well off but they knew how to take care of me. They were completely overjoyed when I was born. But the abrasive nature of the world takes its toll on everyone eventually. 4. The signum group was slowly starting to become dominated by the non-signum group. 5. I didn’t know much about my parent’s suffering until I started middle school. It was at that time when I felt the discrimination and the pain. Then slowly began the existentialism questions. Am I wrong for being born with a signum? I knew that this thought had been on everyone’s mind at some point of time. I could see it in my parent’s eyes every now and then. Somehow, when I thought of it, I just ended up laughing. Laughing at how disgusting the very thought was. How does a question like that even exist?

1. This is horribly stupid and you can do this with any dichotomy. There are two groups of people: those who like spaghetti and those who don't. You haven't made a clever observation, quite the opposite really.

2. Now here we get into descriptive language. You just use bad vagaries. "People discriminate. It is bad." This is not what writers do. We need details. We need clever descriptions of prejudice and hate and all the things you're referring to. You don't tell us "They hated the other group" you show us how they hated the group and then we, the reader, say, "Oh wow. They really hate that group." This is doubly important from the MC's perspective because he goes on in a couple paragraphs to point out he was a victim of discrimination. . . . Not an event, just discrimination (once again). We need actual experiences, and since the MC is narrating, let them be his.

3. This is the part where I really knew you were in trouble. You keep mentioning "signums" and this is the part where I thought you would FINALLY TELL US WHAT THEY ARE. Like, if you had given that information here, it would have been too late, but at least it would have been reasonable. But at no point in this entire chapter do you explain in any modicum of detail what the premise for your entire story entails. The hell is a signum?

4. Contradictory to your world building. We start off establishing a highly prejudicial world.

5. You can't have a world with a class system based on prejudice and expect for a kid not to understand that until they get to middle school. This is where I wonder if it's a writing issue or a personal experience issue in that you don't seem to understand people or people groups. Why are you writing about something that you don't know about? And if you do know about it, why is everything completely devoid of any hint of personal experience.

And then finally, outside of communication of information, there is story structure. Wherein, you have none. I get the impetus to give us an overview in the first chapter, but you really need to zero in on an idea. Maybe it's the entrance exam to the high school. Maybe it's something else you find interesting.

Essentially what you have is a single conversation/ confrontation at the end of the chapter. That is the only time you tell a story here. And then the rest of it is just the obligatory "how did we get here" You COULD start your story off with a bully fight, because people understand high school and it's pretty normal. But in your world building, he's at this super special high school and it isn't ordinary, so using that as your start really isn't viable because it skips over crucial details.

Actually, with the ideas of school and class structure, and bias. Go read the first chapter of the Poppy War by Kuang. See the difference in the way information is given and the story is told. Go paragraph by paragraph and see what the author is accomplishing with each. And hell, do that with your own work.

Would not keep reading.

There's actually a lot I like here. You have a good sense of description but the prose has some major issues. I actually thought you were being poetic at first because the description was on point, but then some of the issues were so glaring that it didn't work in even an artistic context. And that's pretty much how it read from then on out.

It feels like an "English as a Second Language Issue" which I know sucks. But hey, there's definitely some talent here so keep at it.
Thanks a lot. It's helpful!
 

Ayashiro

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3
Thank you for the detailed criticism
I'll try and improve upon those aspects
 

Homuro

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5
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1
I would love some feedback If anybody wants to take a gander. Good or bad please let me know what you think!
 
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