Free First Chapter Feedback

Status
Not open for further replies.

KaiArgenti

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2022
Messages
8
Points
1
And you're acting like I'm crazy for being confused what's going on.
... I don't know what you mean. All I said was, "Thanks for the feedback! I THINK the main reason you were so confused was that you thought it was an isekai. It isn't." And then I tried to help you understand.

It's DEFINITELY VERY CONFUSING and may need several reads to fully understand it. I never said it wasn't. It's just the way I like to write.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
... I don't know what you mean. All I said was, "Thanks for the feedback! I THINK the main reason you were so confused was that you thought it was an isekai. It isn't." And then I tried to help you understand.

It's DEFINITELY VERY CONFUSING and may need several reads to fully understand it. I never said it wasn't. It's just the way I like to write.
But you haven't answered my question. What is it???
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
If you're asking about what knocked him out, that's something that is revealed later. But is eluded to in chapter 3.
Okay so a character is knocked out by a bright light and the people around them bring them into a bed and breakfast in a modern fantasy world.
Would keep reading.

It was pretty middle of the road until we got to the concept which I really liked. It reminded me of the third book of a Wrinkle in Time. If the MC was just in someone else's body that's kinda eh. . . but the fact that they are mixed up or not fully in control is a fun take with a lot of potential.
 
Last edited:

DeadFishEye

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2022
Messages
3
Points
1
Maybe you can take a look at my first try?
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
Maybe you can take a look at my first try?
Why not. Would keep reading.

It's fairly competent. You have a decent voice and you manage to have some humor that works when I'd expect it to just be cringy. And I think it works on that level in that I don't expect this to be porn. . . weirdly enough? The set up seems like it's going to be a real story.

And that's the big demerit in that some of your sentences were confused. I said what a few times, and why technically competent descriptions of sex, there's a fair amount of cringe worked into there as well. I literally had a video on my youtube channel no long ago making fun of people saying "glistening member". Damn man, could you come up with a less sexy to describe things. And there's a bit here and there where it doesn't really feel like a general portrayal? Just like hitting the tropes without knowing they are bull?

So that's about it. It fails as a porn but looks like it could be a competent story.
 

DeadFishEye

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2022
Messages
3
Points
1
And that's the big demerit in that some of your sentences were confused. I said what a few times, and why technically competent descriptions of sex, there's a fair amount of cringe worked into there as well.
I can see that. Given the circumstances it was meant to be a rather lackluster description of the sexual act, but I can see how it would reflect negative on the overall "expected quality" of a smut story. Might have to go over that at some time.

Thanks for your thoughts and feedback =)
 

bokhi

Not a Desert Crow Witch
Joined
Dec 30, 2021
Messages
75
Points
58
You goof. I already did an extensive write up on this because I thought it was close to professional quality but not quite there.

Egads! For whatever reason, I was not notified of your response. Apologies!

Hm, are you also on RR and part of (or was part of) CCEG? (If yes, thanks for your feedback!)

Edit: Holy moly, just realized I actually posted here waaay back and you responded already. Sorry! For whatever reason, I did not get any notifications regarding this thread and totally forgot I already posted once before! Thank you for your great feedback, and sorry for the mix-up/confusion! :ROFLMAO::sweat_smile:
 
Last edited:

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
I've never actually asked you to check out my stuff so I'll give it a try. This is only the first draft so understand that it is not my best and you may need to read the first few chapters as the chapters are usually around 800 words.
The Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler
Would not keep reading.

It's perfectly readable and pretty middle of the road. Those kinds of stories can be very good if the plot takes it there, but as a hook. . . eh. The omniscient start is a little bland and doesn't connect the reader to anything. The only part that piqued my interest there was the use of "We" making the diety-esque thing seem more of a collective.

And then once the story actual begins, there's not a lot to latch on to. You don't establish the character before hand so characterization is pretty thin. We don't get absolutely nothing, but the general debauchery isn't enough. And then I never had the sense that it was 1800's London. You see someone talking and it sounds very modern. Not to mention, I think there's a form and function problem in that the chapter is supposed to impress on us that the MC is thrown for a loop and out of time and place, but this is the first thing that happens. For the reader, it's just a story that takes place in 1800's London and nothing would feel off if you didn't abjectly tell us that the MC is from 2020.
 

Paul_Tromba

Sleep deprived mess of a published author
Joined
Jan 29, 2020
Messages
4,171
Points
183
Would not keep reading.

It's perfectly readable and pretty middle of the road. Those kinds of stories can be very good if the plot takes it there, but as a hook. . . eh. The omniscient start is a little bland and doesn't connect the reader to anything. The only part that piqued my interest there was the use of "We" making the diety-esque thing seem more of a collective.

And then once the story actual begins, there's not a lot to latch on to. You don't establish the character before hand so characterization is pretty thin. We don't get absolutely nothing, but the general debauchery isn't enough. And then I never had the sense that it was 1800's London. You see someone talking and it sounds very modern. Not to mention, I think there's a form and function problem in that the chapter is supposed to impress on us that the MC is thrown for a loop and out of time and place, but this is the first thing that happens. For the reader, it's just a story that takes place in 1800's London and nothing would feel off if you didn't abjectly tell us that the MC is from 2020.
Understandable. Now I know what I need to work on the most in my story. That and descriptions. I'll rework it a bit to get a better hook and properly create a realistic 1800s England feel. Thank you for your input.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
Understandable. Now I know what I need to work on the most in my story. That and descriptions. I'll rework it a bit to get a better hook and properly create a realistic 1800s England feel. Thank you for your input.
I had the thought reading your reply,

What if he's at a bar getting drunk at night. Little tipsy but not quite there. And then he walks through a door, going to the bathroom or something, and he's in an alley. There's a guy dressed a little odd in a tweed suit and bowler. "I dare say ole chap, that is the weirdest pair of dugnerees I ever did see."

MC turns to him? What?

"That coat sir. Is it a french cut?"

And then the MC realizes it's day out and sees smoke stacks on the horizon.

Things where we can experience what happens along side the MC and the information is conveyed in an active way.

Just my two cents.
 

Paul_Tromba

Sleep deprived mess of a published author
Joined
Jan 29, 2020
Messages
4,171
Points
183
I had the thought reading your reply,

What if he's at a bar getting drunk at night. Little tipsy but not quite there. And then he walks through a door, going to the bathroom or something, and he's in an alley. There's a guy dressed a little odd in a tweed suit and bowler. "I dare say ole chap, that is the weirdest pair of dugnerees I ever did see."

MC turns to him? What?

"That coat sir. Is it a french cut?"

And then the MC realizes it's day out and sees smoke stacks on the horizon.

Things where we can experience what happens along side the MC and the information is conveyed in an active way.

Just my two cents.
Okay, that's not a bad idea. Thank you.
 
Joined
Oct 25, 2019
Messages
54
Points
58
Just posted the first chapter of my series, so uh yes I would appreciate some feedbacks please. (There's a prologue too; not entirely sure whether your "not the prologue" comment means you plan to skip that or just that you don't read stories consisting solely of prologues or what, but either way there's a proper first chapter in there too.)
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
Just posted the first chapter of my series, so uh yes I would appreciate some feedbacks please. (There's a prologue too; not entirely sure whether your "not the prologue" comment means you plan to skip that or just that you don't read stories consisting solely of prologues or what, but either way there's a proper first chapter in there too.)
Would not keep reading.

This one is close for me. There's quite a bit I liked here but then there were some problems that prevented me from enjoying that. You get right to it and what's going on is conceptually interesting, where you lose me is that I get to a point of saying what.

My first instance was a mechanical mistake where you talked about her moving out over the broken plexi glass. . . which you never established. All the sudden I think, oh okay, I guess that happened. But then that gave me pause to consider the entire situation. Who are these characters. What are these characters. Where are they. What is going on. There is a shocking lack of establishment and foundation. Even if the literal stuff going on is interesting, it's hard to be at all invested when you don't give context for anything.

The only context I had get was circumstantial by the end of it, and not in a clever way. An author could leave these clues and the reader play along. But it just felt like you forgot to give context.
I've just seen this and would love the chance to get such a mini review, if you have time, please do check it out, if not, oh well. Have a good day! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/392939/water-dragons-daily-life/
Would not keep reading.

The prose is a bit off which isn't the biggest deal, but what got me was those transitions at the start of chapter 1. You have three povs and those swap all happen in what is the first page. It's very very confusing. It's also confusing because you don't keep it consistent. All the POV's have heading except the first one, so I didn't even realize the first pov was Rose.

And that first swap, barely a paragraph long. What is it? It doesn't contribute anything. I can only assume you needed some break for sections 1 and 3 becaues there was a huge shift in the scene setting. Which is weird in itself because what's the point of scene one then? It's all horribly confuisng.

Essentialy everything below "POV Rose" is your actual story. And that's fine I guess? Still a bit sloppy in execution for my tastes but it's cohesive. The most interesting part to me is the general positie reaction you've reaceived. To which I attribute the premise. For a story like this, having all these water themed monsters to turn into is novel. But any story can be good if executed well, a novel premise ("Novel") isn't enough for me to care if nothing else is lining up.
 
Last edited:

aimless

Wanderer of Forums
Joined
Mar 13, 2022
Messages
231
Points
58
UPDATE: Be sure to check out my other thread and my Youtube channel: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
The first chapter is a prologue and it’s pretty bad, so chapter two? https://www.scribblehub.com/series/460215/the-rise-of-a-creditor/
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top