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[wingedcatgirl]

My first instance was a mechanical mistake where you talked about her moving out over the broken plexi glass. . . which you never established.

I did establish that there was a plexiglass front wall to the cell (had to re-check that cause I wasn't sure ) and while I didn't explicitly state it, I did intend for readers to infer that the "very nearby crash" was that wall being shattered. Do you think it needs to be made clearer?

As for the other stuff, I'll definitely take that into consideration. I did write the initial draft of that chapter nearly a year ago, it could probably do with some updating...

 

[TheTrinary]

I did establish that there was a plexiglass front wall to the cell (had to re-check that cause I wasn't sure ) and while I didn't explicitly state it, I did intend for readers to infer that the "very nearby crash" was that wall being shattered. Do you think it needs to be made clearer?

As for the other stuff, I'll definitely take that into consideration. I did write the initial draft of that chapter nearly a year ago, it could probably do with some updating...

Well first off, even if everything checked out, you need to establish things better. There are 1001 things that can be a nearby crash. Maybe someone fell down. Maybe someone overtunred their prison bed next door.

Second off, plexiglass functions like plastic. You can break it, but it doesn't shater like regular glass. It'll fall in chunks. But if you're breaking it like that, you're really having to swing with a sledge hammer. So how do they break it? Why is the first thing we hear described like you'd describe breaking glass? If someone is attacking it, it should be a thud thud thud, and then a trickle of ringing as the individual chunks are manually thrown to the floor.

Overall, it's the type of writing you understand after reading it, and going back and reading it again, but it doesn't make sense as you read it. Which is a big problem. When you're having something big occur five feet from the POV's nose, it's almost always going to be jarring to just say "and then X happened"

 

[TheTrinary]

I got nine people who have read to the end, wanna be the tenth?

Beasts Under Your Bed - Chapter 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

This is an interesting one in that it has style and personality in the writing. It didn't work for me and was pretty janky, but it was there. Which I want to be clear, that's still preferable to the alternative.

With all that said, it mostly just comes across as clunky. Humor is subjective. Yada yada. Didn't find anything funny and mostly felt like the humor was forced. It's an interesting idea for a first chapter and it's exciting on principle, but I also didn't find the actual flow and prose very engaging.

Overall, it's something I feel very medium on.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Read the title, I'd appreciate the feedback.

Anima Aliena

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all. Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Read the title, I'd appreciate the feedback.

Anima Aliena

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all. Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different...

www.scribblehub.com

Would read one more chapter.

This was conceptually very interesting. It was almost a meta deconstruction of the idea of a system which served as good world building. Where I am hesitant is that it's very sloppy in execution and a lot longer than it needed to be. Half good half bad, and none of it very narrative-y. So I'd read one more to see what the actual story looks like.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Would read one more chapter.

This was conceptually very interesting. It was almost a meta deconstruction of the idea of a system which served as good world building. Where I am hesitant is that it's very sloppy in execution and a lot longer than it needed to be. Half good half bad, and none of it very narrative-y. So I'd read one more to see what the actual story looks like.

Could you tell me what you meant by sloppy, I need to properly understand in order to fix or avoid mistakes.

Either way thanks for the feedback, that's how I learn.

 

[TheTrinary]

Could you tell me what you meant by sloppy, I need to properly understand in order to fix or avoid mistakes.

Either way thanks for the feedback, that's how I learn.

Structure, Prose, characterization. I think the big take away is that there are a lot of bits that feel like you have a clear idea in your head what's going on, but it's not communicated clearly. I never got lost, but I frequently asked myself what.

Re-looking at it, I found the first instance in paragraph 3:

"The dark universe where they reside is connected to all realms, the few anomalies who know of this place call it the void, they can access it but are unable to visit the other realms it is connected to, and even with their access, they can’t stray too far from their home lest they disappear, and after many trials and tribulations, they gave up on this place, all but one of them."

That entire pargarph is several run on sentences. It also contradicts itself? "They can access it but are unable to visit other realms" "Even with access, they can't stray far". Which is it. Can they physically not leave or can they leave but they disappear.

This entire sentence/paragraph is just pandamonium.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Structure, Prose, characterization. I think the big take away is that there are a lot of bits that feel like you have a clear idea in your head what's going on, but it's not communicated clearly. I never got lost, but I frequently asked myself what.

Re-looking at it, I found the first instance in paragraph 3:

"The dark universe where they reside is connected to all realms, the few anomalies who know of this place call it the void, they can access it but are unable to visit the other realms it is connected to, and even with their access, they can’t stray too far from their home lest they disappear, and after many trials and tribulations, they gave up on this place, all but one of them."

That entire pargarph is several run on sentences. It also contradicts itself? "They can access it but are unable to visit other realms" "Even with access, they can't stray far". Which is it. Can they physically not leave or can they leave but they disappear.

This entire sentence/paragraph is just pandamonium.

Never noticed that, thanks, I'll proofread again with that in mind.

Edit:

For characterisation, I didn't want to just point out things, I wanted to leave room for interpretation, hence I didn't tell the readers everything.

 

[Linko]

Hello, if you're still doing that I would appreciate some feedback https://www.scribblehub.com/series/465586/light-seeker/

 

[MareoKen]

Hey I would love some feedback on my first chapter! Thank you for doing this!

Spirit Exorcists

When Mark's troubled friend, Ruby, takes her own life, a grieving Mark heads to her suicide spot to pay his respects. In a strange twist of fate, he is attacked by a powerful spirit that reveals itself to be Ruby. Shen, an exorcist from the Spiritual Anomalies Investigation Bureau, an...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yi_San]

Hi, please help me with this.

I transmigrated - That Sucks! | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[AEisen]

Can you give me feedback on my novel. I just started writing yesterday. Also English is my 4th language so i might have made some grammatical mistakes. Here's the link : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474593/long-way-from-home/
The prologue is mostly dialogues and stuff. I would be glad if you checked out the first chapter too. Thanks

 

[AkhsanAlRusd]

Hi, Stephen! This is my first English writing. Thanks fo reading.

- Chapter 1 Marriage Engagement | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[verseii]

Worldview

25 year old Aksel Liebert is thrown into a new world where Earth is dominated by a new system demanding each being take part in the 'scenarios'. Inspired by Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello, if you're still doing that I would appreciate some feedback https://www.scribblehub.com/series/465586/light-seeker/

Would not keep reading.

This was on the better side of right up the middle. It's every check mak you can put into an esekai story and I've seen it all 1,000 times. Actually. . . that might be literal. In any case, it shined the most up front where you really went into detail with the death and fleshed it out. However, it was still confusing because we have no context for what's going on. You hint at some family drama, but nothing that give us a firm enough foundation to appreciate things.

So anyway, it was fine. At this point for stories like this I'm looking for something with a super unique take or someone who can just nail the writing in some aspect. And it wasn't there in those regards.

Hey I would love some feedback on my first chapter! Thank you for doing this!

Spirit Exorcists

When Mark's troubled friend, Ruby, takes her own life, a grieving Mark heads to her suicide spot to pay his respects. In a strange twist of fate, he is attacked by a powerful spirit that reveals itself to be Ruby. Shen, an exorcist from the Spiritual Anomalies Investigation Bureau, an...

www.scribblehub.com

Would keep reading.

I was hooked off the bat. That was an exciting way to start your story even if the writing was a bit off in places. And overall I enjoyed it. The one real complaint I have outside of some wonky prose is the structure, in that there are too many cuts. The first was one was, "Okay, I get what you're doing here." But everything beyond that got a little too jarring. And there's not a good reason for it to be that clunky either.

Hi, please help me with this.

I transmigrated - That Sucks! | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

My main issue is tonal. It feels. . . very immature. Not just the MC himself being immature, but the authorial voice feeling off. On top of that, there is a fair amount of weirdness in what's being conveyed. I wasn't even sure what you trying to say sometimes. E.g., it felt like the whole "yelling at the book" was a metaphor, but it only kind of made sense.

Just a lot of weirdness all around where I spend more time considering that than even trying to enjoy the story.

Can you give me feedback on my novel. I just started writing yesterday. Also English is my 4th language so i might have made some grammatical mistakes. Here's the link : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474593/long-way-from-home/
The prologue is mostly dialogues and stuff. I would be glad if you checked out the first chapter too. Thanks

I'll start with prefacing that the ability to speak four languages is extremely impressive. However, the prose is rough and distracting often. You have tense issues, and an uncanny habbit to repeat words which isn't intrisic to ESL writers in my experience.

Look at that first paragraph: I try to open my eyes but couldn't open up my eyes easily. The light hurts my eyes like I was opening up my eyes after a very very long time." (Also the verb tenses in the first sentence swap)

There is nothing that is going to loose your reader faster than a redundancy of information. Try: "I tried to open my eyes but couldn't. The light hurt like I hadn't even tried in a very long time."

Hi, Stephen! This is my first English writing. Thanks fo reading.

- Chapter 1 Marriage Engagement | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

The English prose was jarring often, but it never quite reached that level where it fully annoyed or distracted me. However, I think the larger issue is the information being conveyed. Your first sentence was great and I was interested, but after that it gets super confusing.

You swap POV's at complete random. And you do so for everyone to just vomit exposition and fantasy gobblety gook. It's very superflerous to what's going on here. The core of this scene is apparently a girl who is being force dinto marriage that she doesn't want. So really going in depth in other countries and wizards and stuff like that is distracting because I dont' know what that stuff is and it diverts from the emotional core of the scene.

Worldview

25 year old Aksel Liebert is thrown into a new world where Earth is dominated by a new system demanding each being take part in the 'scenarios'. Inspired by Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint.

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

First off. I'm super happy it was so short and sweet. However, you also have to sell yourself in that short space and make me want to click the next chapter button. I really liked the one detail of the MC liking the subway and enjoying that. It's small but it's a neat detail. Outside of that, I'm not sure who they are, what the story is about, or anything else really.

You're just one detail that I can latch on to away from making me care.

 

[Fortunis]

Hello there, we would really appreciate if you could review our story. Thank you
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474643/lord-of-whispers/

 

[MareoKen]

Would keep reading.

I was hooked off the bat. That was an exciting way to start your story even if the writing was a bit off in places. And overall I enjoyed it. The one real complaint I have outside of some wonky prose is the structure, in that there are too many cuts. The first was one was, "Okay, I get what you're doing here." But everything beyond that got a little too jarring. And there's not a good reason for it to be that clunky either.

Thanks! I am aware of the cuts potentially being jarring, my intention was to provide some context to the 'Main' scene and also set up some details for the next chapters. I actually also find it fun to break scenes up haha but I do admit I need to find a balance. Thanks for the feedback! I'll work on my prose and structure!

 

[ThunderTaters]

Hey!

If you're ok with fan-fics (Reverend Insanity in this case), I'd like to submit my work:
Verdant Heart Seed

Thanks!

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello there, we would really appreciate if you could review our story. Thank you
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474643/lord-of-whispers/

Would not keep reading.

I'm going to be real with you here. The writing style is epileptic. It's incredibly difficult to keep track of who is saying what or who who is doing what. It's half the Sound and the Fury, half experimental.

Hey!

If you're ok with fan-fics (Reverend Insanity in this case), I'd like to submit my work:
Verdant Heart Seed
View attachment 13574
Thanks!

Would not keep reading.

In terms of the literal action and even the technical execution of the prose, it's fine. Where I lose enjoyment is the. . . non-technical execution of prose. It all reads extremely stilted and unnatural, and this is where I have to add an asterix because that isn't always a bad thing. Writing like this reminds me of a work I read for someone who was trying to get it published professionally. It was– I guess we'll call it a historical fiction– of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms. When he did it, the stiled and off kilter nature of the prose gave his story telling an extremely historical feel that added to the story.

Here I didn't get that. I can't get into specifics without pulling out that old work (not even sure if I can) so I'm just going to make a sweeping statement and say that when you write in this kind of prose, you have to do it very very well for it to be engaging.

 

[Alfir]

Oh, my SWEET ROLLS! I'll be shameless then... Don't read chapter 0(zero), yes, it's my prologue...
It has magic, a statue, and a serious tone. It's in my signature, thanks.

If you think it's good, I would love a positive review of the novel itself, like a 5-star or 4? Yeah, that was shameless of me... Thank you for your time.