Free First Chapter Feedback

[LiteraryWho]

Would not keep reading.

The first section went a little too hard on the power trip and was pretty off putting. HOWEVER, once we realized it was a dream, I was more okay with it. I still don't think it has independant merit and there isn't any real nuance there to make it good in a vacuum, but I was okay with it once I had been given context.

Section two isn't much better however. The MC works better here, but from a story construction point of view, it's problematic. You have this dense fantasy world, and you start us off in a fantasy world in that fantasy world with section 1. And then you pull back and just exposit dialogue in section 2. It's not really story telling, and it's certainly not efficient.

Picture this, you use the section one day dream to world build. He's reenacting some historic event like what's being talked about in section 2. You can even keep the power trip, just make it a bit more nuanced. And then he gets woken up with a question or something, and he says "I was just there, it's xyz."

You see what I mean? I'm not going to say this structure for a first chapter is good. . . but there's still a lot of room for improvement in what you have.

And then section 3. . . I don't even know. It's a bit too much strange world building at that point. I'm already tired from what came before. You haven't really endeared your characters. I would say overall keep the entire chapter more focused on a singular idea. You're bogging us down with everything you've got.

Thanks for the feedback

 

[SK123]

Would not keep reading.

The first section went a little too hard on the power trip and was pretty off putting. HOWEVER, once we realized it was a dream, I was more okay with it. I still don't think it has independant merit and there isn't any real nuance there to make it good in a vacuum, but I was okay with it once I had been given context.

Section two isn't much better however. The MC works better here, but from a story construction point of view, it's problematic. You have this dense fantasy world, and you start us off in a fantasy world in that fantasy world with section 1. And then you pull back and just exposit dialogue in section 2. It's not really story telling, and it's certainly not efficient.

Picture this, you use the section one day dream to world build. He's reenacting some historic event like what's being talked about in section 2. You can even keep the power trip, just make it a bit more nuanced. And then he gets woken up with a question or something, and he says "I was just there, it's xyz."

You see what I mean? I'm not going to say this structure for a first chapter is good. . . but there's still a lot of room for improvement in what you have.

And then section 3. . . I don't even know. It's a bit too much strange world building at that point. I'm already tired from what came before. You haven't really endeared your characters. I would say overall keep the entire chapter more focused on a singular idea. You're bogging us down with everything you've got.

Would not keep reading.

I have two main complaints and neither of them have to do with English being your second langauge. The first is kind of the opposite really and something foreign writers do well a lot of the time. You have very floaty prose. You use lots of extra words and you focus on pointless things.

Example: "Typically, the young man would always notice the hay ceiling first, every time he woke up. Yet, today was different."

You take us out of the story to tell us what the POV is not seeing. Weird. I get that you're trying to set the scene, but it's a round about way and clunky. You describe a floor as stiff. There's not a lot of prose, but you have a very native speaker mentality where you aren't considering what each word contributes.

And piggybacking off that, those problems bleed into the characters. I really don't like the dialogue. It's such an over the top and goofy portrayal of children. None of the dialogue feels real. And you have those same prose problems just in speech.

Also a weird fixation on colors. You love talking and identifying people by their hair and eyes and what not. Once? Sure. But once it's established move on if you don't have a good reason to linger on it. Give us there names and then use their names.

I do have a big compliment here. You use the dream sequence really well for your first chapter. You end it quick (hooray) but you have that juxtaposition there that was cute and you use the motiff to bookend the chapter. I'm probably never going to encourage dream use, but yours actually added something to the chapter, which might be the first time I've ever said that in a web novel.

Thanks for the feedback, now I know what to improve. And is it repetitive if you always mention a name? (That's why I've been mentioning hairs and eyes. Lmao!)

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks for the feedback, now I know what to improve. And is it repetitive if you always mention a name? (That's why I've been mentioning hairs and eyes. Lmao!)

Generally I'd say not. It's only repetitive if a pronoun could work there just as well, but you often end up in situations where you can't use pronouns.

It's a safe bet. It's like using "said" vs. something more descriptive. Said will pretty much always be acceptable. Other varations might not be.

 

[VyStarlit]

Would not keep reading.

Mechanically for portal fantasy, it's a bit more interesting than most stories. I appreciate the creative, and more interesting way we get from the real world to where we're going.

But then the writing isn't great. It's not bad, but it isn't strong either. And the chapter goes on a long time it feels. You lost my attention at some point. I think conceptually, you have two chapters here– the on earth stuff and then everything else starting with the "pirate".

If you're looking for suggestions those are my big two. Seperate out the different ideas, and then pump up the start. You can introduce a little more about the MC and punch up that starting scene because it is interesting, just under played.

Thank you! It's always good to get this sort of feedback.

 

[Sageash]

Can I get a feedback

 

[RainingSky]

We the Villains

Feel free to try it out if you'd like to I always appreciate feedback

 

[MrCrunch]

This is my first long running novel. Would love your feedback.

Echoes of the Lost Age

Many gates are littered over the planet Gaia, These gates are connected to other worlds where long lost civilizations once flourished. The Individuals of the many races that exist on Gaia enter these gates with the hopes of acquiring power, fame and riches. These people are called explorers...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Can I get a feedback

You can if you have a link to your story.

We the Villains

Feel free to try it out if you'd like to I always appreciate feedback

Would keep reading.

From an execution stand point, it's quite clunky. But from an idea stand point, it's pretty off the wall and unexpected. A little perverse too. It's quite interesting. Essentially all the first chapter is, is an introduction to the family. Here's all the characters, here's what the family is about. And it works because they are into some weird stuff.

If anything, one of the problems is undercharacterizing the POV. She doesn't really have much going on compared to anyone else and is a pretty passive observer to all the crazyness. It makes sense on some level, but she could use a punch up.

Otherwise, that's about it. It's a bit too long and I don't know what you're story is about, but establishing characters first is a great thing to build a foundation and you do it in a pretty wacky way.

This is my first long running novel. Would love your feedback.

Echoes of the Lost Age

Many gates are littered over the planet Gaia, These gates are connected to other worlds where long lost civilizations once flourished. The Individuals of the many races that exist on Gaia enter these gates with the hopes of acquiring power, fame and riches. These people are called explorers...

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

I think your primary issue is the communication of information. Let me show you a big example:


"I walked further into the kitchen, looking around to see what I could help with. Although I knew all the attendants present, they kept their distance most of the time, only ever approaching me when they greet me or if it's about matters regarding the shrines located around the temple.

"Oh, don't forget," Rita said. "It's your turn to go to the village today,"

"Yeah, I completely forgot. I'll start preparing to leave then."

"I'll let Maria Know you will be leaving." Rita replied.

After changing, I made my way to the entrance. Although this would be the entrance to the Temple, it's usually empty, so mostly shrine attendants and Martial arts students idle their time here.

This place was called the Murasaki Temple. It was not only a place where people came to pay tribute or learn martial arts; it was also a gate site. Our gate was, as said by Shino Sensei was one of the biggest in Haakuni and connected to a world called Tau Ceti. This world yielded some of the most valuable artifacts and relics in Haakuni's history. "

In your head, the scene is very clear. Person wakes up in temple, goes about their day. But we don't know this. She wakes up, has a conversation we have no context for, and then we find out it's a temple sort of out of the blue. A couple paragraphs later, it's repeated.

At this point as a reader, the idea of the temple has been throne out with no context or explanation, so I'm thinking: I guess I'm just supposed to go with it. BUT THEN you explain it after I'm used the concept. And I think that's a lot of the story telling. The context for scenes and events isn't there or it comes in at a weird place.

Just look how this chapter starts: Person wakes up. Another person tells them they need to do something. What's the context? You need the chapter to happen obviously, but it's weird that someone just walks up and says that the chapter needs to happen.

A hard and fast rule of story telling is that everything must either follow "SO" or BUT" Event X happens SO Event Y Happens. One causes the other. Chararcter wants X, BUT here comes Y to interfere. You should never, never, never have an "AND" in your story structure. And is random, meaningless. It loses your audience's attention because it's spastic.

And that's how this chapter stars. MC wakes up, and then gets told to go somewhere. In this example, it's a pretty easy fix. Character wakes up, SO the assistant gives them their daily briefing. If you establish an order and a process to their relationship, then it makes sense and doesn't seem like random nonsense.

And that's the entire thing. The prose too. You mention temple SO you explain it. Not you mention temple a couple of times AND THEN you explain it at this other place all of the sudden.

It's a hard read, because of these things. Also it's way too long. WAYYYYYYY too long. Chapters should be as long as they need to be, but at the same time, your first chapter probably shouldn't be 26 pages.

 

[MrCrunch]

You can if you have a link to your story.

Would keep reading.

From an execution stand point, it's quite clunky. But from an idea stand point, it's pretty off the wall and unexpected. A little perverse too. It's quite interesting. Essentially all the first chapter is, is an introduction to the family. Here's all the characters, here's what the family is about. And it works because they are into some weird stuff.

If anything, one of the problems is undercharacterizing the POV. She doesn't really have much going on compared to anyone else and is a pretty passive observer to all the crazyness. It makes sense on some level, but she could use a punch up.

Otherwise, that's about it. It's a bit too long and I don't know what you're story is about, but establishing characters first is a great thing to build a foundation and you do it in a pretty wacky way.

Would not keep reading.

I think your primary issue is the communication of information. Let me show you a big example:


"I walked further into the kitchen, looking around to see what I could help with. Although I knew all the attendants present, they kept their distance most of the time, only ever approaching me when they greet me or if it's about matters regarding the shrines located around the temple.

"Oh, don't forget," Rita said. "It's your turn to go to the village today,"

"Yeah, I completely forgot. I'll start preparing to leave then."

"I'll let Maria Know you will be leaving." Rita replied.

After changing, I made my way to the entrance. Although this would be the entrance to the Temple, it's usually empty, so mostly shrine attendants and Martial arts students idle their time here.

This place was called the Murasaki Temple. It was not only a place where people came to pay tribute or learn martial arts; it was also a gate site. Our gate was, as said by Shino Sensei was one of the biggest in Haakuni and connected to a world called Tau Ceti. This world yielded some of the most valuable artifacts and relics in Haakuni's history. "

In your head, the scene is very clear. Person wakes up in temple, goes about their day. But we don't know this. She wakes up, has a conversation we have no context for, and then we find out it's a temple sort of out of the blue. A couple paragraphs later, it's repeated.

At this point as a reader, the idea of the temple has been throne out with no context or explanation, so I'm thinking: I guess I'm just supposed to go with it. BUT THEN you explain it after I'm used the concept. And I think that's a lot of the story telling. The context for scenes and events isn't there or it comes in at a weird place.

Just look how this chapter starts: Person wakes up. Another person tells them they need to do something. What's the context? You need the chapter to happen obviously, but it's weird that someone just walks up and says that the chapter needs to happen.

A hard and fast rule of story telling is that everything must either follow "SO" or BUT" Event X happens SO Event Y Happens. One causes the other. Chararcter wants X, BUT here comes Y to interfere. You should never, never, never have an "AND" in your story structure. And is random, meaningless. It loses your audience's attention because it's spastic.

And that's how this chapter stars. MC wakes up, and then gets told to go somewhere. In this example, it's a pretty easy fix. Character wakes up, SO the assistant gives them their daily briefing. If you establish an order and a process to their relationship, then it makes sense and doesn't seem like random nonsense.

And that's the entire thing. The prose too. You mention temple SO you explain it. Not you mention temple a couple of times AND THEN you explain it at this other place all of the sudden.

It's a hard read, because of these things. Also it's way too long. WAYYYYYYY too long. Chapters should be as long as they need to be, but at the same time, your first chapter probably shouldn't be 26 pages.

Thank you for the feedback. Regarding the example you pointed out, so a better way to put it would be she wakes up, we explain her location, then we move on to the kitchen. There should be context before any new concept is introduced?

You said that this was my primary issue. Is there anything else you think I might need to work on? I suspected that the first chapter might be too long currently working on splitting it up.

 

[ZeroX0666]

Tell me your thoughts on my newest novel.

Witch Hunting Love

What happens when a witch and a witch hunter fall in love? The short answer, chaos ensues. Aurora Fay is NOT your average girl. She is a witch of the Coven, and when dark magic or supernatural creatures aren't going bump in the night, she's dealing with family problems. Her...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Tell me your thoughts on my newest novel.

Witch Hunting Love

What happens when a witch and a witch hunter fall in love? The short answer, chaos ensues. Aurora Fay is NOT your average girl. She is a witch of the Coven, and when dark magic or supernatural creatures aren't going bump in the night, she's dealing with family problems. Her...

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

Let me start by pointing out that you got a laugh at me. The dad is a lawyer, and they move around for his case? As a lawyer, I have never heard of that happening, ever. You'll travel for a depo or something, but that's about it. It doesn't affect my enjoyment of the story at all, but it's funny to see how others percieve the job.

But in a more substantial way, that's kind of my issues with the story in general. There's this confused tone and confused knowledge base. It feels like a middle schooler writing about being in college. They're in college but they move around as a family. . . to local community colleges. Those local community colleges refer to them as "transfer students." That's not how college works.

And the narrator's tone is very simple and child like. It very much feels like a little girl describing her family and moving to a new town for the eigth grade. . . . but it's college.

I don't think it's nit picky. It creates a disconnect with the reader. I'm not so much reading your story as I'm constantly looking at every choice you made and trying to figure out what's going on.

And I'll add, you can make these things work. Like if there's a level of self aware commentary and explanation. "I know it's weird, but this school was just happy to have another student, they let me join mid semster." Stuff like that.

 

[Sairren]

I recently edited my entire novel to get it cleaned up. There are definitely still minor issues here and there, but it's in a much better state than it was when I first started posting chapters on a weekly basis. I do think I posted here some time last year, but I have gone and made changes to address issues some people have commented on.

 

[Ymadthepirate]

Well my writing has slightly improved and i need votes for ep 1 so here, review or not idrc

1. 
   
2. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/523279-voting-battle-with-animals/chapter/523280/
   
   
   

 

[ZeroX0666]

Would not keep reading.

Let me start by pointing out that you got a laugh at me. The dad is a lawyer, and they move around for his case? As a lawyer, I have never heard of that happening, ever. You'll travel for a depo or something, but that's about it. It doesn't affect my enjoyment of the story at all, but it's funny to see how others percieve the job.

But in a more substantial way, that's kind of my issues with the story in general. There's this confused tone and confused knowledge base. It feels like a middle schooler writing about being in college. They're in college but they move around as a family. . . to local community colleges. Those local community colleges refer to them as "transfer students." That's not how college works.

And the narrator's tone is very simple and child like. It very much feels like a little girl describing her family and moving to a new town for the eigth grade. . . . but it's college.

I don't think it's nit picky. It creates a disconnect with the reader. I'm not so much reading your story as I'm constantly looking at every choice you made and trying to figure out what's going on.

And I'll add, you can make these things work. Like if there's a level of self aware commentary and explanation. "I know it's weird, but this school was just happy to have another student, they let me join mid semster." Stuff like that.

Thank you for the feedback, i will keep that in mind.

 

[sprlte]

Hi, I need some needed thoughts!

The Musician and the Orchestra

Taishi, in the beginning, was a simple musician. He wanted to spread the musicality of concert bands throughout the entire world. His dream became true when he joined a world-renowned wind orchestra. But, after a recent performance, he had an accident. After finally waking up from his slumbering...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

I recently edited my entire novel to get it cleaned up. There are definitely still minor issues here and there, but it's in a much better state than it was when I first started posting chapters on a weekly basis. I do think I posted here some time last year, but I have gone and made changes to address issues some people have commented on.

Would keep reading, but then would not keep reading.

So I read the entry (part 1) and was fairly positive. I thought the single sentences were a bit annoying but it was cute. And it since it was so short and part of a whole, I did what I never do and read the second chapter.

First off, I feel like I've read this before? Have you submitted a different version of this chapter?

In any case, it started out fine. It's place holder dialogue with some weird anachornisms (going commando, binoculars) and some tense mistakes. And then we get action which I didn't particularly care about. You snap to the actual MC and she's very just innocent child. She's more a type than a character. And more than anything, I don't think writing action is your strong suit. You use so many extra words and stretch things out. The word choices and verbage don't really support panic and haste.

Picking out any sentence at random, I would cut it down.

Tessa nodded as her body trembled. Taking the lead out the door and Tessa’s hand in hers, Lucette ran with Tessa behind her. Trying to keep pace with her daughter so Tessa wouldn’t trip. But as they ran, Tessa could hear the cries of pain and suffering in the distance. She hoped the Great Six would protect her father.

"Luceete ran into the street dragging Tessa behind her. The little girl's feet caught the cobble stones and her arm felt like it would be ripped from her socket, but her cries of pain were lost on Lucette who could only here the screams all around them."

And I would just cut "She hoped the Great Six would protect her father." Having a character passively think about unrelated things during an action scene brings us out of it.

Well my writing has slightly improved and i need votes for ep 1 so here, review or not idrc

1. 
   
2. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/523279-voting-battle-with-animals/chapter/523280/
   
   

Would never keep reading.

Let's start with a small technical detail: don't include multiple speakers in the same paragraph. There are some asterixs there but don't do it.

Otherwise, I hold this in utter contempt. It's like the definiton of just random internet humor. There are no characters. No establishment. It could be a loose framework for a story, but not like this; I hold this entire thing in utter contempt.

Like, if my 10 year old nephew wrote this, I would say it's cute, keep at it. If anyone older than 10 wrote this, there's no way anyone could treat it as legitimate. And therein lies my conclusion. You're screwing with me. This can't be a legitimate attempt to tell a story, I refuse to beleive it.

Hi, I need some needed thoughts!

The Musician and the Orchestra

Taishi, in the beginning, was a simple musician. He wanted to spread the musicality of concert bands throughout the entire world. His dream became true when he joined a world-renowned wind orchestra. But, after a recent performance, he had an accident. After finally waking up from his slumbering...

www.scribblehub.com

Needs some work. There's some pretty basic issues here to go over:


Beeps ring out through Taishi.

Confused out the gate. I'm guessing by later context that you're trying to say that Taishi is hearing beeps. Or maybe Beeps are ringing out AROUND Taishi.

The cool air.

We've already failed to establish the scene and now we're getting more vauge.

He opened his eyes to see that he was in a hospital. His head was throbbing with discomfort as he looked around. His arm has a UV line attached and sees that the beeping is coming from the vitals monitor next to him.

IV Line? And what's the tense. Everything else was past tense but then "Has" and "sees".

One of the nurses saw Taishi awake and immediately went away from his view. Taishi probably assumed that she was informing the others.

We clearly are in Taishi's head and know what he knows, so vague things like "probably" are an issue here. It's essentially the narrator giving us bad information.

He breathes a sigh of relief, knowing that he's still alive. Taishi cannot recall his memories, but he remembers the recent performance of the wind orchestra.

Awkward. He can't remember but her rememebers.

Soon, other nurses and doctors examined Taishi to see if he was alright, and he is.

TENSE

After restless nights of check-ups and examinations, the doctor finally told him about his condition.

Awk from a story telling perspective. Jumping ahead. And weird juxtaposition.

 

[andynebulae]

Are you still doing this? If yes, would you perhaps give a look at my first work? It's Squared Magical Squad!
Thank you very much, have a nice day!

 

[TheTrinary]

Are you still doing this? If yes, would you perhaps give a look at my first work? It's Squared Magical Squad!
Thank you very much, have a nice day!

Would not keep reading.

I will say it kept me engaged. It continually changes what its about that I enjoyed trying to figure it out. But also, that's sort of its problem, because from a communication and clarity perspective you didn't stick the landing.

Marcy's at a skate park. Oh and then there's this other person he knows from a class on gender (. . . even though they are studyign biology and I'm fairly certain biology doesn't require classes in the human sciences). But then it's not about them or any interaction they ahve. In fact, the MC and perspective literally does nothing this chapter. They witness an event and are so removed from said event that they don't even appear in the second half of the chapter. But anyway, it's actually about Mari because someone runs into her and drops a robot (at least I think he did, I had to reread this to figure out where it came from). And the robot wants to go on a treasure hunt.

And once we really get into the dialogue and things happening, it's presented in a very unbeleivable way. Like this fantastical thing happens thats also a bit goofy and the way people talk about it and interact with it is. . . . odd. So not only do we get no characterizatio of our MC, but even the other people in the story don't fel like concrete ideas. They aren't even types, they're names that say vauge things.

Like I started with, I was engaged. But I was left with a big question on what I should be feeling or thinking. Likw what do you want your readers to think about all this. What's the perspective really? I thik you need a solid idea for who these characters are and you should probably have your POV character be the one that's important to the plot, or at least involved in the plot.

 

[andynebulae]

Would not keep reading.

I will say it kept me engaged. It continually changes what its about that I enjoyed trying to figure it out. But also, that's sort of its problem, because from a communication and clarity perspective you didn't stick the landing.

Marcy's at a skate park. Oh and then there's this other person he knows from a class on gender (. . . even though they are studyign biology and I'm fairly certain biology doesn't require classes in the human sciences). But then it's not about them or any interaction they ahve. In fact, the MC and perspective literally does nothing this chapter. They witness an event and are so removed from said event that they don't even appear in the second half of the chapter. But anyway, it's actually about Mari because someone runs into her and drops a robot (at least I think he did, I had to reread this to figure out where it came from). And the robot wants to go on a treasure hunt.

And once we really get into the dialogue and things happening, it's presented in a very unbeleivable way. Like this fantastical thing happens thats also a bit goofy and the way people talk about it and interact with it is. . . . odd. So not only do we get no characterizatio of our MC, but even the other people in the story don't fel like concrete ideas. They aren't even types, they're names that say vauge things.

Like I started with, I was engaged. But I was left with a big question on what I should be feeling or thinking. Likw what do you want your readers to think about all this. What's the perspective really? I thik you need a solid idea for who these characters are and you should probably have your POV character be the one that's important to the plot, or at least involved in the plot.

Thank you for the feedback! I am a biologist and had a class on gender, it was part of the complementary grade I had to do (that is, classes outside of the core curriculum but still obligatory to do). If it helps any, Marcy is not the MC of the whole story, the MC changes with each chapter. I may then use Mari as the point of view character of the first chapter!
I will see how to reorganize the story/rewrite it to help with those points, thank you!

 

[Enoch]

This won't take up much of your time as it's a very short first chapter. Thanks.

Mechazoid - v1c1: Pod A142ZX (1) | Scribble Hub

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