Free First Chapter Feedback

[TheTrinary]

Thank you for the feedback! I am a biologist and had a class on gender, it was part of the complementary grade I had to do (that is, classes outside of the core curriculum but still obligatory to do). If it helps any, Marcy is not the MC of the whole story, the MC changes with each chapter. I may then use Mari as the point of view character of the first chapter!
I will see how to reorganize the story/rewrite it to help with those points, thank you!

That's interesting. I was pre med under grad and gender wasn't even a term I heard until I got super into reading Anthro, Psych, and Sociology as an adult.

 

[CrazyKid21]

I would like some feedback

 

[BenJepheneT]

The Home(less)sick Astronaut’s Best-of-Three - Oneshot | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Been a while since I've come back to this place.

It's a short story about two guys in space. 3k+ words. Nothing major.

 

[mesa]

If you could give my new story the first chapter review that would be much appreciated. Should be in my signature! Thanks!

 

[TheTrinary]

This won't take up much of your time as it's a very short first chapter. Thanks.

Mechazoid - v1c1: Pod A142ZX (1) | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Would keep reading. I loved it.

In some ways its cheating because it's like two pargraphs worth of content, but let's just touch on something I see a lot. So many stories you see are people who do self inserts or inserts of their life. In this space, that insert is that of someone working in a cubicle or coding or something like that. And it always sucks.

But it doesn't suck here. It doesn't suck because you actually added to the idea. It's not just a rote reptition of an experience, but a fanciful commentary on it. Artistic elevation. I'm not trying to point to this and say, "this is art," but this is how you should write about things. In a context that's real and people can relate to that just doesn't feel like a pitty party.

Once again, I don't want to oversell something that is less than a page, but. . . Veerhoeven-esque? There's a definite style here. Cleaned up just a tad bit, this is good enough to be an over-the-shelf-novel. Like, 3% more upwritten.

Anyway, I'm going to go read the second chapter.

 

[Ilikewaterkusa]

UPDATE: Be sure to check out my other thread and my Youtube channel: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/

review this lol.
It's a friend's
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jXqnI0HnCKz1VkIlAUhaoZw4kHLwXa6EYBT_cEi7mQQ/edit?usp=sharing

 

[Edd99]

Me 2 plz

UPDATE: Be sure to check out my other thread and my Youtube channel: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/

Me 2 plz
Ive only done the first 2, but that doesnt really matter lmao, its my first try at writing a story so i just wanna see how it goes yknow?

review this lol.
It's a friend's
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jXqnI0HnCKz1VkIlAUhaoZw4kHLwXa6EYBT_cEi7mQQ/edit?usp=sharing

It might just be me but im pretty sure ppl can edit it so if i were u i would change it tf why is it just the american contract

 

[TheTrinary]

I would like some feedback

Would not keep reading, more on a personal level.

It's not awful. It's written very simply and towards that sort of 13 year old girl demographic. What I'm saying is that it's definitely not for me. And considering twilight started out as a web novel, I'm sure its for someone.

My only real critique to offer is that the simple prose clashes a bit with the darker tone, or darker substance. It's probably fine though, it's not that gruesome. I would like the prose to be a bit stronger and the main character to be a bit less childish, but once again, I don't have my finger on the pulse with this one.

The Home(less)sick Astronaut’s Best-of-Three - Oneshot | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Been a while since I've come back to this place.

It's a short story about two guys in space. 3k+ words. Nothing major.

Hooray another Ben story. It's like seeing a movie get made from your favorite director. You don't even compare it to other people's stuff. The question is: how does it fare compared to his other works?

In that regard I think this is middle Ben. I love the premise and outside of that it's a lot of your beloved faux-Tarinto musings. I do think this one lacks some polish though. There were some tense mistakes which isn't very like you. But otherwise, I guess I'm just missing that umph to push it higher in my estimation.

If you could give my new story the first chapter review that would be much appreciated. Should be in my signature! Thanks!

Would not keep reading.

This is interesting conceptually. You took every start to a web novel ever and upwrote it and made the prose very dense and almost purple. It rides that line. Let's assume for a second that the prose is perfect for this sort of thick style, what does that really add to this type of story? It's very strange.

I guess it could work if you framed it completely differently but there's a form and function problem here. It's health food trying to be junk food (or vice versa? I've lost the metaphor). The entire idea of LitRPG is that its a super easy entry point because everyone knows it and the "RPG" mechanics simply complex real world aspects. So you're taking something dumbed down and up writing. I feel like there's an inherent clash there, even if done perfectly.

I don't know. I'd love to be proven wrong, but you'd have to be incredibly clever to get these things to mesh.

review this lol.
It's a friend's
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jXqnI0HnCKz1VkIlAUhaoZw4kHLwXa6EYBT_cEi7mQQ/edit?usp=sharing

I'm not reviewing someone else's work. That's not the point of this thread at all.

Me 2 plz

Me 2 plz
Ive only done the first 2, but that doesnt really matter lmao, its my first try at writing a story so i just wanna see how it goes yknow?

It might just be me but im pretty sure ppl can edit it so if i were u i would change it tf why is it just the american contract

Post your story and I'll do it.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Hooray another Ben story. It's like seeing a movie get made from your favorite director. You don't even compare it to other people's stuff. The question is: how does it fare compared to his other works?

In that regard I think this is middle Ben. I love the premise and outside of that it's a lot of your beloved faux-Tarinto musings. I do think this one lacks some polish though. There were some tense mistakes which isn't very like you. But otherwise, I guess I'm just missing that umph to push it higher in my estimation.

Yeah by the final third stretch i was more focused on getting this thing finished than actually giving it a proper shine.

Right now, I am working on another short story that would be an investment of effort from me. You'll be sure I'll throw it to you when it's finished.

 

[TheTrinary]

Yeah by the final third stretch i was more focused on getting this thing finished than actually giving it a proper shine.

Right now, I am working on another short story that would be an investment of effort from me. You'll be sure I'll throw it to you when it's finished.

Glad i don't even have to ask to see it.

 

[CrazyKid21]

Would not keep reading, more on a personal level.

It's not awful. It's written very simply and towards that sort of 13 year old girl demographic. What I'm saying is that it's definitely not for me. And considering twilight started out as a web novel, I'm sure its for someone.

My only real critique to offer is that the simple prose clashes a bit with the darker tone, or darker substance. It's probably fine though, it's not that gruesome. I would like the prose to be a bit stronger and the main character to be a bit less childish, but once again, I don't have my finger on the pulse with this one.

Thanks for the feedback! I’ll try to work on it.

 

[RainingSky]

You can if you have a link to your story.

Would keep reading.

From an execution stand point, it's quite clunky. But from an idea stand point, it's pretty off the wall and unexpected. A little perverse too. It's quite interesting. Essentially all the first chapter is, is an introduction to the family. Here's all the characters, here's what the family is about. And it works because they are into some weird stuff.

If anything, one of the problems is undercharacterizing the POV. She doesn't really have much going on compared to anyone else and is a pretty passive observer to all the crazyness. It makes sense on some level, but she could use a punch up.

Otherwise, that's about it. It's a bit too long and I don't know what you're story is about, but establishing characters first is a great thing to build a foundation and you do it in a pretty wacky way.

Thanks a lot for the feedback

 

[DonutLuver]

Hi! If you could give me a mini review, i would appreciate it. It is mature - if you don't mind it

Transmigrated into an Eroge as a Background Character

After death, Claire expects her mind to fade away into nothingness. Life decides to decline her request and send her to a familiar setting. To her utter horror, she realizes she somehow got stuck in a world where women must couple with men and level up to be the strongest...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Edd99]

Would not keep reading, more on a personal level.

It's not awful. It's written very simply and towards that sort of 13 year old girl demographic. What I'm saying is that it's definitely not for me. And considering twilight started out as a web novel, I'm sure its for someone.

My only real critique to offer is that the simple prose clashes a bit with the darker tone, or darker substance. It's probably fine though, it's not that gruesome. I would like the prose to be a bit stronger and the main character to be a bit less childish, but once again, I don't have my finger on the pulse with this one.

Hooray another Ben story. It's like seeing a movie get made from your favorite director. You don't even compare it to other people's stuff. The question is: how does it fare compared to his other works?

In that regard I think this is middle Ben. I love the premise and outside of that it's a lot of your beloved faux-Tarinto musings. I do think this one lacks some polish though. There were some tense mistakes which isn't very like you. But otherwise, I guess I'm just missing that umph to push it higher in my estimation.

Would not keep reading.

This is interesting conceptually. You took every start to a web novel ever and upwrote it and made the prose very dense and almost purple. It rides that line. Let's assume for a second that the prose is perfect for this sort of thick style, what does that really add to this type of story? It's very strange.

I guess it could work if you framed it completely differently but there's a form and function problem here. It's health food trying to be junk food (or vice versa? I've lost the metaphor). The entire idea of LitRPG is that its a super easy entry point because everyone knows it and the "RPG" mechanics simply complex real world aspects. So you're taking something dumbed down and up writing. I feel like there's an inherent clash there, even if done perfectly.

I don't know. I'd love to be proven wrong, but you'd have to be incredibly clever to get these things to mesh.

I'm not reviewing someone else's work. That's not the point of this thread at all.

Post your story and I'll do it.

Assassin’s Apocalypse - The Initialization | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading, more on a personal level.

It's not awful. It's written very simply and towards that sort of 13 year old girl demographic. What I'm saying is that it's definitely not for me. And considering twilight started out as a web novel, I'm sure its for someone.

My only real critique to offer is that the simple prose clashes a bit with the darker tone, or darker substance. It's probably fine though, it's not that gruesome. I would like the prose to be a bit stronger and the main character to be a bit less childish, but once again, I don't have my finger on the pulse with this one.

Hooray another Ben story. It's like seeing a movie get made from your favorite director. You don't even compare it to other people's stuff. The question is: how does it fare compared to his other works?

In that regard I think this is middle Ben. I love the premise and outside of that it's a lot of your beloved faux-Tarinto musings. I do think this one lacks some polish though. There were some tense mistakes which isn't very like you. But otherwise, I guess I'm just missing that umph to push it higher in my estimation.

Would not keep reading.

This is interesting conceptually. You took every start to a web novel ever and upwrote it and made the prose very dense and almost purple. It rides that line. Let's assume for a second that the prose is perfect for this sort of thick style, what does that really add to this type of story? It's very strange.

I guess it could work if you framed it completely differently but there's a form and function problem here. It's health food trying to be junk food (or vice versa? I've lost the metaphor). The entire idea of LitRPG is that its a super easy entry point because everyone knows it and the "RPG" mechanics simply complex real world aspects. So you're taking something dumbed down and up writing. I feel like there's an inherent clash there, even if done perfectly.

I don't know. I'd love to be proven wrong, but you'd have to be incredibly clever to get these things to mesh.

I'm not reviewing someone else's work. That's not the point of this thread at all.

Post your story and I'll do it.

Assassin’s Apocalypse - The Initialization | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Just saying, this is the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay]

 

[Marmalade]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/524639/nightlight-gl/

if you were bored.....

 

[larareispoetry]

Sure, why no, the first episode only has around 400 words.

The Chainbreaker A young girl with strange blue blood is living with two faeries aunts. Olvia shows talent as a fantastic battlemage. Growing unknowing, hidden from the dangers of a King that has the power to summon and enslave her. Only her 'Chainbreaker', with the aid of old and new friends, can... www.scribblehub.com

Let me know...

 

[TheTrinary]

Hi! If you could give me a mini review, i would appreciate it. It is mature - if you don't mind it

Transmigrated into an Eroge as a Background Character

After death, Claire expects her mind to fade away into nothingness. Life decides to decline her request and send her to a familiar setting. To her utter horror, she realizes she somehow got stuck in a world where women must couple with men and level up to be the strongest...

www.scribblehub.com

In keeping with my tradition of not rating smut, I will give neither yes or a no. Was well written or at least written competently? Sure. Pretty good for smut.

Assassin’s Apocalypse - The Initialization | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Assassin’s Apocalypse - The Initialization | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Just saying, this is the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay]

bad link

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/524639/nightlight-gl/

if you were bored.....

Would not keep reading.

I don't have anything overtly negative to say about this. I read both chapters because the first one was literally a paragraph. There's just nothing drawing me in and making we want to read more. There's like an attempt at theme in the second chapter which could be good but it comes off a little weird and stitled.

I don't know. It's fine.

Sure, why no, the first episode only has around 400 words.

The Chainbreaker A young girl with strange blue blood is living with two faeries aunts. Olvia shows talent as a fantastic battlemage. Growing unknowing, hidden from the dangers of a King that has the power to summon and enslave her. Only her 'Chainbreaker', with the aid of old and new friends, can... www.scribblehub.com

Let me know...

Would keep reading.

Some of the prose and phrasing was very. . . off, but you otherwise won me over. I liked the dialogue and as far as starts go, fairies finding a baby in the woods has a very classic fairy tale feel that you never get around parts like here. I quite liked it on the whole despite the prose.

 

[Snowyflakes]

Hi! I would also like a review. Thank you in advance!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/536925/under-thanatos-gaze/

 

[Edd99]

In keeping with my tradition of not rating smut, I will give neither yes or a no. Was well written or at least written competently? Sure. Pretty good for smut.

bad link

Would not keep reading.

I don't have anything overtly negative to say about this. I read both chapters because the first one was literally a paragraph. There's just nothing drawing me in and making we want to read more. There's like an attempt at theme in the second chapter which could be good but it comes off a little weird and stitled.

I don't know. It's fine.

Would keep reading.

Some of the prose and phrasing was very. . . off, but you otherwise won me over. I liked the dialogue and as far as starts go, fairies finding a baby in the woods has a very classic fairy tale feel that you never get around parts like here. I quite liked it on the whole despite the prose.

Oh yeah mb didnt realise it was a bad link here is proper link https://www.scribblehub.com/read/530098-assassins-apocalypse/chapter/538914/ Sorry if it doesnt work

 

[Sahrynar]

I would also love a review when you get the chance!

I only have the first three chapters polished, but have written about 2.5 books in this series. I've been debating if I should upload the rest of the rough chapters or not. Although they are readable, they are very clearly first drafts (and do have grammar/spelling mistakes) but I don't have the time atm to fix them. Please also let me know if you think I should upload the rest or wait until I have time to edit them more.

Thank you in advance for your help!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...rech-book-one-of-the-guardians-of-lajen-saga/