Hi^^
The old world is dead. It started millenias ago, when a series of unrelenting earthquakes began. After just a week the said seven continents collided with each other forming a huge mega continent, and in the middle of it a tower with the same landmass as the old civilization of...
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Would not keep reading.
Your first sentence is actually a quadruple run-on, so not leading with your best foot here. Actually, you do that a lot.
In terms of character? There's not really one.
In terms of story? It's kind of confused. Like, I get most of it, but there was a lot of whiplash involved in getting there. You'd write something and I'd immeadiatly think, "What does that mean?" You don't explain things thouroughly, there's some tonal whiplash, lack of establishment. And I want to be clear there: you can put us in the middle of the action and not explain world building if there's something we can latch onto, something sane and rational and relatable, but this is just pandamonium from a foundational perspective.
I'd love for you to take a look at mine! Some honest feedback would be very much appreciated.
Would keep reading.
Despite being very readable and very well written on a tehcnical level, I'm not in love with this and it isn't the strongest recommendation. Harsh way to start a thumbs up, but its true. I even loved the patience in just having a chapter to establish everything (phenominal!) but something was missing.
You're MC is kind of bland and there's no driving force or set up for an arc.
So let's break that down. He's a web novel writer. . . eh. It has a bit of meta quality to it but I don't hate it. It feels very much like Stephen King writing all his MC's to be writers. But normally when Stephen King does it, it's an accomplished writer that's in a slump. They're lacking something. Zayne isn't missing anything. He's super popular, has written tons of series, has bunch of patrons, etc. You throw a line in there that he's "semi-professional", but he has enough money to go to the Maldives. It's a bit silly trying to downplay his success.
And that's his character all around. There's a bit about drugs, but he doesn't do drugs anymore, and he gets rid of his problem easy. He's got the girl (and granted his relationship isn't the healthiest, but it isn't framed that way) and they're doing fine. I say that. There's some weird interaction there, and it's unclear wether you were just going for reparte'. I will note that this is the one part where the quality of writing sagged. I wasn't always sure what I was supposed to be taking away from the dialogue or cricumstances.
So I ask: what is the character arc? What is the deficiency, wether internal or external, that the character needs for us to care and root for them. I know it's only one chapter, but you cover a lot of ground and set up a bunch of back story (great!) but it's in service of. . . .
And that's where I loop around to that supposed meta element and where it gets too meta. At the point where your MC has too much going for them, it really starts to feel like a self insert. It's something you see a lot where the creator of a book or movie is really engaged in an act of vanity. The character they play or write about is just the fantasy version of them, which means that they can't have flaws. If the character has problems, they have problems, and that would make it an act of self reflection.
Scary.
But like I said, all the elements are here, so let me just flip it around on you:
He's a moderatly succesfull writer who finished his masterpiece and IS GOING TO start a new work. But he has writer's block, oh no! He sits in his room frustrated, stuck in the genius of his past, not sure how he could possibly please his fans going forward.
Guy black mail's him for drugs. Sure, but then he doesn't find the solution. He buys time by hooking him up with someone, but doesn't know what he's going to do if this guy keeps black mailing him. Drama!
He's got a girlfriend, but they're not on the same page. She's flirting with guys? Hard to tell, maybe he's just being jealous. In either case, something has to change if this relationship is going to work.
All of the sudden you don't just have a story, you have engagement. Take it as a suggestion; you have something that works here on some level, so pump it up.
I wanted to know what your opinion to my novel, though my prologue basically acts like a first chapter and chapter 1 follows through it chronologically, I still wanted to know aspects in my story do I still need to improve.
Masako's Life In An Abandoned World
So I read the prologue based on your recommendation: Would not keep reading.
I think there's an execution problem here, because when we got to the Wingdings, I sat up a bit straighter and got invested all the sudden. It's an interesting idea for a chapter and I can totally see what it could be if the writing was stronger.
And it's unfortunate but I think it does have that second langauge quality. The prose has its technical issues, but even outside of that, the execution feels very young. The prose and thoughts and dialogue made me think of eight year olds talking, which is probably not what we want here.
i'll work on the areas you pointed out...
