Free First Chapter Feedback

[TheIcMan]

Alright time to throw in my coin.
Please give it a look :D
Thanks in advance!

 

[TheTrinary]

You visited my thread, so I thought it be fun to pay a visit in return and do my first formal "I'd like to hear your feedback" for my caper/mystery novel, The Confessions of Cassidy Cain.

Would keep reading.

Judging it through the standard web novel fair it's a 100%. Maybe a bit long to attract some of the shorter attention viewers, technically flawless.
So let's move past all that guff and do the rare thing on this thread and talk about it as a professional work.

If I picked this up off the shelf at a bookstore, I wouldn't be immediatly. hooked. I think it's technically flawless and the in the modern landscape it reads professionally. It's the kind of book I would read with a recommendation; and that's not necessarily a demerit. There are planety of books where the first chapter isn't the hook that gets me.

So the question becomes: is there anything missing or could you do more? And I think the answer is yes. It lacks any sort of cleverness that makes you know the author "gets it". Sometimes I'll read a character's line and say, "Whoah, that feels real," or see a plot beat and say, "wow that's smart." What you have here is played completely straight which makes sense in retrospect considering your Youtube channel. Very textbook.

It stops being a question of what are you missing (because you aren't missing anything) and what are you nailing. What are you bringing to the table that no author does? (It's a harsh question for one damn chapter I know). But I feel like there is room here to be clever. You have the creative space to do something elevated.

With the characters, that's going to be what it's going to be. You can't really punch that up beyond your ability to write people, but let's look at the plot elements then:

You have that weird bit about the girl coming into the church and arranging a meeting. And there's a push pull there– the illusion of tension. She gets skittish. He does a background check(?). And then you get to the meeting where you find out that the girl in the pew is a thief. But here's the thing, and it's a major thing, the title of you book has "thief" in it with a big smarmy red head. I didn't read a word of the summary or your comments on this book, but the second I saw that girl in the pew I knew what was going to happen for the rest of the chapter.

And there's a lot of chapter to go.

So at that point, to be a better writer, you have to be aware of not only your own work as a writer but how the audience is going to read and take everything. You're essentially playing a game with us now and the name of that game is framing. 100% of the people reading your story understand the chapter the second we see that girl in the pew.

And this is where I go into my own schtik where I start writing out my own story details. It's how I work okay?

Thought 1: It plays out how it does now. But the we don't get those weird lines about the priest man hiring a back ground check (I didn't get that). We just see him walk away from the conversation into the back room and have them rewind the security cameras out front. The scene ends with him just look at a picture of this strange red head.

THEN it's all about what the audience isn't told. He comes into the meeting and when she reveals her identity, the priest guy just shrugs and says, "I know." Took your photo and passed it off to a PI that owes me one. I knew exactly what I was getting into tonight and let one person who I won't disclose who I was meeting with. . . just in case.

Push and pull. The audience gets a nice surprise that our POV is surprinsgly competent. The only downside being that the theif now looks less competent and I'm pretty sure we dont' like that.

Thought 2: Sherlock Holmes. The priest guy meets a girl in the pews who looks nothing like the theif lady. She gives a fake name and the back ground check turns out to be a local high school girl or something. (Pimply skin, not smooth. High schoolers don't have smooth skin). At the meeting, the same girl meets him and walks him off to some stereo typical guy in a chair. And then the chapter ends when the priest agrees to hear the man out about the potential murder, only for the girl to shoo him off and pull off a wig, sitting down in his seat she wipes the pimple make up off her face. "You can never be too careful until you know they're reasonable."

Option 2 is a little silly, but perspective here. The more I think about what you have, the less it makes sense. The thief only partially disguises herself and the priest investigates her for no reason, only for her to be extremely forward and announce what she wants later. Taking a step back, you have a lot of elements here that serve no purpose other than to an elict a knee jerk reaction from the audience (and honestly, they weren't that exciting before thinking about it anyway).

Keeping it sterile and textbook as is, I would cut some of those weird edges looking back. A lot doesn't make sense.

 

[Dajoe1234]

Do you review Smut? My story is mainly slice of life with a smut undertone. I want to tell the Action-packed life of a Rockstar - Johnny Smith and his meeting with his partners.

It'd like if you could give me some constructive feedback whether it's good or bad. Ways to improve it etc.

I get a lot of views/readers but there aren't a lot of favorites; I guess the story is lacking in some ways.

And by the way, I don't plan to ever get that traditionally published lol. Which publisher would want this story?

Story is below spoilers.

 

[TheTrinary]

Ah well here is my first chapter! Hope if you get round to reading it, you enjoy :)

One With The Vikings - Chapter 1: Wintervale | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

While not technically problamatic, the writing had that quality where I constantly question every little decision made. And by the time you told us the MC's age, I was floored because I was picturing a thirteen year old. It's one of those things I can't explain much further without giving examples, other than saying that's a lot of exclamation marks.

Outside of this, I think it's fine. But like I said, the story only matters so much when the writing is distracting as well as some character voices.

Alright time to throw in my coin.
Please give it a look :D
Thanks in advance!

A rare one that's hard to call. Would not, I guess.

There's a lot here that I like. The prose is solid and I like animals. I was even interested right away. Not necessarily that you used an action scene, but there was enough to make me care.

So why borderline? It drags. I don't think the initial thrust justifies how long we stick with the starting scene, and while I think this chapter is fine on the whole, it's almost twice as long as it probably needs to be? Kind off. . .

Okay I reread it to get my thoughts straight. You have three sections that are unrelated. It's the kind of "yes and story telling" that makes you feel like you read it in a dream. The word you need to focus on is "Therefore". Secne two needs to happen because of what happened in scene one. And then three needs to happen because of what happened in scene 2 and then 1.

Secondly is that you need to simplify. You throw A LOT at us in one chapter. Tons of characters, tons of concepts. I'm not saying you can't do that, but then you need that information conveyed in a single simple scene. It's just way too busy for me.

Do you review Smut? My story is mainly slice of life with a smut undertone. I want to tell the Action-packed life of a Rockstar - Johnny Smith and his meeting with his partners.

It'd like if you could give me some constructive feedback whether it's good or bad. Ways to improve it etc.

I get a lot of views/readers but there aren't a lot of favorites; I guess the story is lacking in some ways.

And by the way, I don't plan to ever get that traditionally published lol. Which publisher would want this story?

Story is below spoilers.

I read the original draft of Ben's Problem Store. Everything else is small potatoes next to that. I don't give ratings for porn, but I will at least comment on it.

This is very strange. I read it as being straight comedy? You really don't seem to take it seriously as a story, so it's just light elements to pin porn to?

On that level it's not the worst. You have build up and anticipation and the elements you look for. It's not for me, without question, but judging it for it's intended purpose, it doesn't fail. I could see this being someone's jam. Almost like how when porn has story and dialgoue. Maybe good porn with story and dialgoue.

I don't know. It's goofy.

 

[WinterTimeCrime]

Hello, my brother. Care to review my work?

Space Patroller Miya (Original English Light Novel)

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[PeacefulMyst]

Id appreciate if you could do mine

The Watcher of the Abyss

After living a miserably tragic life manipulated by a god-like entity, Abraham was forsaken into the Abyss as a vampire, forced to survive against beings that can kill him in seconds if he's found. And even if he escapes, what awaits him is just another nightmare. A world filled with...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello, my brother. Care to review my work?

Space Patroller Miya (Original English Light Novel)

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

On a basic level, there are some major technical issues. You swap tenses seemingly at random between past and present. And then some of your writing is a bit confused. Take the start of your story, you start with this weird juxtaposition where you have some we don't know about talking to a man, only to follow that up with a description of what appears to be a woman. It's disconnected form the quotes AND the kind of action describes seems completely at odds with someone speaking, so there's levels of confuion here.

And then the introduction of elements and story are at a similar level to me. We start off with a scientist (I guess?) talking about genetically enhanced kids. And I say to myself: "Okay, this chapter at least is about this evil corporation board meeting about some test subjects, got it. But then the chapter isn't about that at all. They start talking about interstellar politics and aliens and I'm sitting there so confused.

Use the "Therefore rule". Your chapter should follow a clear logical progression where each new element happens from what happened before it. "A corporation is doing tests on children, therefore aliens." Doesn't make sense. You never want your logical flow to include "and then." Genetic children, and then aliens, and then space polictics and federations.

Id appreciate if you could do mine

The Watcher of the Abyss

After living a miserably tragic life manipulated by a god-like entity, Abraham was forsaken into the Abyss as a vampire, forced to survive against beings that can kill him in seconds if he's found. And even if he escapes, what awaits him is just another nightmare. A world filled with...

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

This one was a bit middle of the road but it brings up a good point that needs to be reiterrated on this thread: the technical aspects aren't as important as the actual story. The writing, the grammar, all those finer points? Not good. But that was alright because it was readable and I understood the characters and what was going on.

I think the story telling was a bit vague and I didn't have anything to latch onto (hence the rating), but it was good enough to overcome the technical issues. My advice would be to punch it up. Communicate more information in that same amount of space. More character beats, more solid back story and plot.

 

[RaLo]

If you have time... Please disregard the second half of the prologue.

The Philippines in a Fantasy World

There was no bright light, no mist covering the land, and no typhoons enveloping them. In just one instance, the Philippines got transported to a fantasy world. Due to the country's over-dependence on imported goods, the situation plunged them into a disaster. There was no food for everyone...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[WinterTimeCrime]

Would not keep reading.

On a basic level, there are some major technical issues. You swap tenses seemingly at random between past and present. And then some of your writing is a bit confused. Take the start of your story, you start with this weird juxtaposition where you have some we don't know about talking to a man, only to follow that up with a description of what appears to be a woman. It's disconnected form the quotes AND the kind of action describes seems completely at odds with someone speaking, so there's levels of confuion here.

And then the introduction of elements and story are at a similar level to me. We start off with a scientist (I guess?) talking about genetically enhanced kids. And I say to myself: "Okay, this chapter at least is about this evil corporation board meeting about some test subjects, got it. But then the chapter isn't about that at all. They start talking about interstellar politics and aliens and I'm sitting there so confused.

Use the "Therefore rule". Your chapter should follow a clear logical progression where each new element happens from what happened before it. "A corporation is doing tests on children, therefore aliens." Doesn't make sense. You never want your logical flow to include "and then." Genetic children, and then aliens, and then space polictics and federations.

Would not keep reading.

This one was a bit middle of the road but it brings up a good point that needs to be reiterrated on this thread: the technical aspects aren't as important as the actual story. The writing, the grammar, all those finer points? Not good. But that was alright because it was readable and I understood the characters and what was going on.

I think the story telling was a bit vague and I didn't have anything to latch onto (hence the rating), but it was good enough to overcome the technical issues. My advice would be to punch it up. Communicate more information in that same amount of space. More character beats, more solid back story and plot.

I found the swap tenses to be a problem, so I'll take them into account.

However, the 'introduction of story elements is probably the best definition I can give between good and bad literature. Some novels take their plot structure from that of their favorite TV show(s) and think they can go from point A to C as long as they provide structural evidence as to what and why it's going on to make it a logical occurrence. The structural evidence comes from either first-person inner voices and monologues or third-person author notes that guide the reader into thinking it's foolproof since another party is present and has no qualms about what is taking place.

Also, I don't know where you got the 'Therefore rule,' but that sounds just as amateurish as the 'Show Not Tell' principle that first-time authors are told when they need help with plot structure. Situations in the real world don't move in chronological order, and some cases don't have relevance unless you speculate or decide to continue with an open mind (they wouldn't get anywhere in law enforcement if they just quit after two things didn't add up). Therefore the rule is kind of useless (EXCEPT if you need help with plot structure, then it is very useful to take into account); when in the next chapter, there was no talk of 'space politics,' the genetic children were explained in detail, along with who and why the aliens were mentioned by the scientist (but you can only get so much from just reading the first chapter, so this type of review isn't without its flaws).

This forces the reader to ask questions, and why I implemented it into my writing style because I despise hand-holding and have a love for books that act as mysteries despite not being a mystery themselves: Forcing us to ask questions and make inferences just to be hit with an 'Aha, but there's more!' (Lord of the Mysteries does this incredibly well.)

I just wanted to give feedback and explanation to your review since some new writers might scroll down these feedback forums looking for the Do and Do Nots (as I once did). But, not all writing has to follow the same principles, and should always try to look for better ways to storytelling.

 

[ODonn]

If you have the time, please check out mine. =]

The Dreamer’s Fall

Arthur is a noble-born reincarnator searching for absolute immortality to avoid the terrifying fate he witnessed in the afterlife. Thanks to a failed spell designed by an unimaginative ancestor, he is able to glimpse a path leading toward immortality while laying the foundations to become the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[PeacefulMyst]

Would not keep reading.

This one was a bit middle of the road but it brings up a good point that needs to be reiterrated on this thread: the technical aspects aren't as important as the actual story. The writing, the grammar, all those finer points? Not good. But that was alright because it was readable and I understood the characters and what was going on.

I think the story telling was a bit vague and I didn't have anything to latch onto (hence the rating), but it was good enough to overcome the technical issues. My advice would be to punch it up. Communicate more information in that same amount of space. More character beats, more solid back story and plot.

thanks, I rewrote quite alot and i actually like what i wrote this time. Thanks a bunch for your help!

 

[sage61]

Please review this? I wrote this on a whim and am wondering if it's catchy enough. A little advice is much appreciated.

Transmigration At Its Finest

 

[Deleted member 104160]

Uhh, if you are ok with BL and have the time, could you please review this? Wrote on an impulse Hoping for feedback to improve~

Puppet No.4
Thank you!

 

[Corty]

If you have time i’d appriciate some feedback on either of these two. The pickle is, both’s first chapter is named “prologue”. I leave it up to you if you decide to skip it or not and do the 2nd chapter instead. Thank you in advance for your time/feedback!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/593865/mad-god/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/593773/detective-everlong/

 

[TheTrinary]

I found the swap tenses to be a problem, so I'll take them into account.

However, the 'introduction of story elements is probably the best definition I can give between good and bad literature. Some novels take their plot structure from that of their favorite TV show(s) and think they can go from point A to C as long as they provide structural evidence as to what and why it's going on to make it a logical occurrence. The structural evidence comes from either first-person inner voices and monologues or third-person author notes that guide the reader into thinking it's foolproof since another party is present and has no qualms about what is taking place.

Also, I don't know where you got the 'Therefore rule,' but that sounds just as amateurish as the 'Show Not Tell' principle that first-time authors are told when they need help with plot structure. Situations in the real world don't move in chronological order, and some cases don't have relevance unless you speculate or decide to continue with an open mind (they wouldn't get anywhere in law enforcement if they just quit after two things didn't add up). Therefore the rule is kind of useless (EXCEPT if you need help with plot structure, then it is very useful to take into account); when in the next chapter, there was no talk of 'space politics,' the genetic children were explained in detail, along with who and why the aliens were mentioned by the scientist (but you can only get so much from just reading the first chapter, so this type of review isn't without its flaws).

This forces the reader to ask questions, and why I implemented it into my writing style because I despise hand-holding and have a love for books that act as mysteries despite not being a mystery themselves: Forcing us to ask questions and make inferences just to be hit with an 'Aha, but there's more!' (Lord of the Mysteries does this incredibly well.)

I just wanted to give feedback and explanation to your review since some new writers might scroll down these feedback forums looking for the Do and Do Nots (as I once did). But, not all writing has to follow the same principles, and should always try to look for better ways to storytelling.

Uhh oh boy.

In terms of your point about tv structure, it's a bit confused. People CAN based how they write off of television, but you're ignoring the fact there are universal structures and styles that television, movies, and books use. That's not to say these things are inflexible, but just because a story is written with. . . acts? I actually don't know the specifics you pull from tv and not something else, doesn't mean it was copied from teleivsion. And once again, you're really having trouble expressing yourself in a logical way here that tracks.

In terms of the Therefore Rule. . . yeah. It IS a rule. Every professional book writer, screen writer, and Wright Brother would agree with me here. From a simple conversation to overall plot structure, there's a flow. And it exsists because it is logical. A progression if you will. There can be deveations (obviously), but even those deviations are behold to certain rules (e.g. and then x happens, and we flash back to explain it. It has a proper structure, it's just presened out of order).

And your point about breaking the rules is a very important one I don't think I've ever had to talk about on here. Especially as it pertains to new authors. Yes, you CAN break the rules. But there's the question if you should break the rules. Happily, it's a question no human being needs to answer, because if you're a new writer or lacking so much confidence that you need advice on the basics, you shouldn't break the rules. Once you know how to write, then you can add deviations, flourishes, art. I don't have to add these asterix, because if you read my thread for advice, you aren't ready to break anything; you have to understand what you're subverting to subver it. Otherwise, you're just throwing darts blind.

It's like showing up on your first day of Spanish 1 trying to speak slang. Yes, slang is a valid form of communication to get your point across. But you don't speak Spanish, so why are you trying to immitate someone who has spent twenty years speaking it.

And this is all to say, I am not wrong about your work. Because there are no right answers. That might seem contradictory to this form letter, but to each there own. I say these things because my experience was not enjoyable, and critique is explaining your feelings. I think I don't like it for these reasons. Someone else could come along and LOVE it for the exact same reasons. But these rules exist for a reason and if I'm right (could be wrong) other people will have these same issues wether or not they can explain it.

My advice to you is to find someone unbiased who you know will give you an honest opinion and can explain that opinion in a way that makes sense to you.

thanks, I rewrote quite alot and i actually like what i wrote this time. Thanks a bunch for your help!

I'm glad it helped.

The version I read is the kind of thing I like to highlight because being a good storyteller and being a good technical writer are two seperate things. As a storyteller, you are right on the cusp of being very enjoyable to read.

If you have time... Please disregard the second half of the prologue.

The Philippines in a Fantasy World

There was no bright light, no mist covering the land, and no typhoons enveloping them. In just one instance, the Philippines got transported to a fantasy world. Due to the country's over-dependence on imported goods, the situation plunged them into a disaster. There was no food for everyone...

www.scribblehub.com

Would not keep reading.

This was middle of the road for me. There were things I liked, and things I didn't. Some of the technical aspects could use some polish, but it was readable.

My issues come in in terms of what we're told and what we see. And I guess what seems important as a reader. I looked at the title and said "okay, portal fantasy," But as I read, I said "ahhh alternate history". I thought you were going for something like "V for Vendetta", but no, it turns out it is a Fantasy World in the literal sense. Which is weird that we have to be told that. When you say fantasy I think of magic and mystical creatures, but what we get is a gritty story about the morality of soldiers.

That certainly could work, but it would take some cleverness. I need more grounding and better communication of information. Something like: It's played completely straight like it's the current day Phillipienes and then it turns out the "person" they need information from isn't a human and we get a line like "Yeah, the Phillipienes doesn't want to be here either" (too cheesey I know). Or just more build up, like we start out right when the Philippines gets transported.

I'm a little iffy on the en media res start, but it could work. A lot of things could work. I would just pay attention to your elements and make sure everything is related to eachother. If you're going to talk about the world building, you have to talk about it. If it's going to be a chapter about soldiers tortoring someone as society collpases, play it straight as that and end with a big punch and set up for the second chapter with the fantasy elements.

It's interesting, I'll give you that.

If you have the time, please check out mine. =]

The Dreamer’s Fall

Arthur is a noble-born reincarnator searching for absolute immortality to avoid the terrifying fate he witnessed in the afterlife. Thanks to a failed spell designed by an unimaginative ancestor, he is able to glimpse a path leading toward immortality while laying the foundations to become the...

www.scribblehub.com

You know what? Would keep reading.

There's a lot here that's either bland or overdone, but you did it well enough that I didn't mind so much. You write well, you focus on character, you keep it moving and you have some nice human details in there that make these feel like real experiences as opposed to just thing to get to the next plot beat.

Waking up late? Eh. I was more okay with it at first when it seemed like there was something wrong or mystical going on, but I guess not. Considering the second half, why not just have it a hang over so it's a character beat? Otherwise, there's really nothing else I think is worth critiquing.

Good job through the virtue of doing the same old, same old very well.

Please review this? I wrote this on a whim and am wondering if it's catchy enough. A little advice is much appreciated.

Transmigration At Its Finest

Very borderline on this one. I guess not but it's close.

I think the big take away here is that your authorial voice and personality shines through the text a lot and that goes a long way to making this work. Some of the prose isn't the best tehcnically (perfectly readable) and you don't always make the most of what's going on, but the author just seems like a fun person to hang with.

The premise, or I guess circumstances are somewhat interesting. Getting sucked into a marriage? That's fun theoretically. And even the MC's go with the flow attitude is charming. But judging this as a comedy there's nothing that was funny enough to really make me like it. The cirumcstances are funny, but you don't go that far with it. Admittedly, I'm a stickler for comedy, but it is such a subjective thing. I could see other people liking this.

Uhh, if you are ok with BL and have the time, could you please review this? Wrote on an impulse Hoping for feedback to improve~

Puppet No.4
Thank you!

Would keep reading.

Have you played Hollow Knight? This made me think of that. Anyway, it's a very interesting first chapter. I was entertained and found the circumstances interesting straight away. You make a note about the blood and gore, and I do think you went a bit too far there to the point that it felt gratutitous. My rule about that stuff is that it's reletive. You could have much more blood and guts and whatever, so long as it's balanced out by what it's achieving.

It starts out with Puppet 4 being in a bad/dangerous spot. Love it. But past that, you keep focusing on it even when it's not adding anything new to the story. Which is, I should say, a fairly audatious way to start a BL story and I love that. So that's pretty much my advice. Either cut some of that down OR pump up other elements of the chapter to balance it out a bit more.

I would add, the Hollow Knight comparison is in your favor since I interpretted the character you're going for as a bit more wooden (heh) and less expressive. The characters aren't the highlight here, but that could work going forward if handled correctly; altough, the first chapter isn't the best place to be reserved on your characters. You do you.

 

[MansonFD7]

I would love you to checking out the 1st chapter of my book.

Scorching Black Vulture

Humans have created technology to embrace the future, since they moved to another planet a century ago. But what if the technology they created suddenly turned against them? A virus that infected the humankind also infected technologies such as computers, and the Androids that they created to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Loexik]

I'm currently floating aimlessly, and I supposed that some feedback would change that. I'd really appreciate any commentary about my story guys! Thanks in advance!

Black Swan Records

Remus is an enigma, talented, handsome, smart, almost the full package. But being such an enigma is not necessarily always good, Remus can testify as much. For instance probably due to his talent that had him caught in conflict far away from home, that same overwhelming talent that had him...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[jtwrites]

Hey Stephen,

I'm relatively new on this platform, but I saw this posting and figured I'd throw my story at your pile :) There shouldn't be many issues in the way of grammar, so that shouldn't get in your way. I'm would just like to hear whatever you feel like sharing. Impressions? Suggestions? Assumptions? Just let me know if you have any questions!

Thanks in advance,
jtwrites

Redux Riding Hood [A Soft-Isekai Adventure]

“Alright, enough,” Red barks. “Listen pup, we can’t afford to waste time on your existential crisis. Jack just told you we’re being tracked, and it’s only a matter of time before something else is sent after us. If you really want to test your existence, then go...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Menilik]

Hey, would be keen on a review of my book?

I messaged you to check. I can't believe you're still doing reviews - many years onwards.

A New Eden [Sci-fi, AI, Aliens, Space, Mystery, Thriller, Adventure]

A sci-fi space adventure involving mysteries, aliens, and explorers terraforming planets. Trillion wasn’t expecting to have her mind uploaded into a spaceship today. But it happened and now there’s no turning back for her and three others. The four of them now travel through space, looking for...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 104160]

Would keep reading.

Have you played Hollow Knight? This made me think of that. Anyway, it's a very interesting first chapter. I was entertained and found the circumstances interesting straight away. You make a note about the blood and gore, and I do think you went a bit too far there to the point that it felt gratutitous. My rule about that stuff is that it's reletive. You could have much more blood and guts and whatever, so long as it's balanced out by what it's achieving.

It starts out with Puppet 4 being in a bad/dangerous spot. Love it. But past that, you keep focusing on it even when it's not adding anything new to the story. Which is, I should say, a fairly audatious way to start a BL story and I love that. So that's pretty much my advice. Either cut some of that down OR pump up other elements of the chapter to balance it out a bit more.

I would add, the Hollow Knight comparison is in your favor since I interpretted the character you're going for as a bit more wooden (heh) and less expressive. The characters aren't the highlight here, but that could work going forward if handled correctly; altough, the first chapter isn't the best place to be reserved on your characters. You do you.

Thank you!! Greatly appreciated!!!
Funnily enough, no, I haven't played hollow knight before...
The feedback was great! Thanks for the info, will go back and fix it up! *throws confetti* Thanks!!