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ForestDweller

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Well if you're open to my opinion, I think the issue was the sheer amount of break always. You start out in their new life. Then you cut back to their previous life, and then you cut again and again and finally again.

It's less interesting, but you could tell the story more sequentially although I recognize it would start off a little more boring then. Also, you could just be more clear about the cuts in time. Make a header that says XXXX years ago. Or more appropriately, MY PAST LIFE. Stuff like that. It's like a transitional phrase used to glue different paragraphs together, except its entire sections instead of paragraphs.

Ah, that's a fair point. Thank you for the advice.

Though I feel like adding a header that says "My Past Life" is too intrusive. It just breaks immersion, you know.

I'll try to fix it. Then maybe I'll ask for your opinion again. (y)
 

BlackFrost

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So I'll start by saying I wouldn't keep reading. It's a fine enough idea to start with, but the writing is problematic. Normally when I complain about grammar or writing style on this thread, I'm just saying that it got in my way of enjoying the story. But in your case, I was actively confused and actually had to reread sentences to be sure I knew what you were saying.
When you say you had to reread, are you talking about the dialogue in red or the entire prologue? Also please tell me what you think of this:

 

Malonymous

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Not at all. I'll read through the prologue if that's what you want. Normally it's just that they aren't the real hook of the story and the first chapter is a better evaluation. BRB.

EDIT: Yea I really like it. There's a lot of personality in the text and its pretty fun. The MC is a little grating as it goes on though but on the whole it's far more positive than negative. I'd say yes, I would keep reading.
Awesome, yeah the MC is supposed to be the 'abrasive narcissist who gets comedically humbled into character development' kind of trope and it's easy to get caught up in the snark sometimes haha. Thanks for reading!
 
D

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I wrote this a long time ago, but I was wondering if you don't mind checking it out? Its on Wattpad thu (Lost Souls Shrouded in Darkness - Wattpad) and it may take some time to transition all of it to Scribblehub. I stopped because I felt like when writing the middle portion of my story, it had too many big plot holes. I'm also not sure if the story transitions too fast.
 

BenJepheneT

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After five no's in a row, I just want to clarify I'm not in a bad mood or judging more harshly after reading my favorite chapter 1 so far (@

BenJepheneT ).​

It's just the luck of the draw.
Flattered, I am.

criminalcriminalcriminal_1.png
 

TheTrinary

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Do you want to give my Traveler series a try? Or Origin...? Just the first chapter; what’s your thoughts? It’s in my signature below.
I know for a fact The Relic will be a No. lmao 😂 not gonna even try that one.

Okay so Traveler: So I have the opposite problem with prose than the others that I've had here, in that its too much and awkward because the word choice is too verbose. Just read your first paragraph out loud. It's really awkward. The rest of the chapter isn't as bad as that, but there are several instances where it just feels like you're picking words out of a thesaurus. You know how to write, you just don't how to make it sound natural. Outside of this, there's a lot of exposition. Tons of places and people that its bogged down by. And then there was nothing really exciting to latch on to. It was basically, character has visions and falls from a place. I've seen both of these before and it really doesn't give me a sense where the story is going or why I should stick around. So this one is a no.

And then Odyssey: This has a lot of the same problems in prose, but it does feel more honest. It reads like you're interested in videogame Youtubers and the like and that helps. But once again, I'm just not seeing any decent hook to get me to stick. It's things I've seen before almost 1:1 and there is no unique or interesting take on it, and I'm pretty sure I know where the story goes from here. So this is a no as well.
 

TheTrinary

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When you say you had to reread, are you talking about the dialogue in red or the entire prologue? Also please tell me what you think of this:


This is more or less the same as my last review for you. You have ideas but you can't execute them in a way to draw me in. Everything about the way its written is really unappealing to me.

EDIT: I will say I didn't get lost or confused reading this one. Although there are some of those sentence issues there that got me confused in the last one.
 

TheTrinary

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I wrote this a long time ago, but I was wondering if you don't mind checking it out? Its on Wattpad thu (Lost Souls Shrouded in Darkness - Wattpad) and it may take some time to transition all of it to Scribblehub. I stopped because I felt like when writing the middle portion of my story, it had too many big plot holes. I'm also not sure if the story transitions too fast.

So for Chapter 1, I'm going to have to say no. There's nothing that happens. It's all just exposition about moving into the country from the big city. But like, why do I care? It's not like I like the character already and his only established character trait is being mopey and a little meta at the end. The writing is also awkward. There was one time I was genuinely confused as to what you were trying to say.
 

TheTrinary

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Heyy. >.< (I already know that my story isn't that good compared to a lot of stories on here, but I wanted to get feedback anyway) Here's a link to my story ^^ https://www.scribblehub.com/series/220404/i-wish-i-was-pretty/
Thank you for the opportunity!

Yea I'm not feeling it. Right away, you go pretty hard on some of the characters making them pretty over the top and cliche. The MC isn't the worst for all this is, but I need a stronger voice or something more to really care. And then, speaking of what it is, I'm not really sure it all fits together. "Ugly(?)" girl is new to school. Attends class. Wants hot boy. Easy enough. But then, she immediately makes friends with the upbeat, popular girl. Has a guy (even if he is a nerd) give her his number, without even talking to her.

It's very strange to put these things together. Take something like Princess Diaries or even Mean Girl. You have a girl who is in some way an outsider, who then makes friends with other outsiders (and sure the guy will probably like her but he's a bit of a loser too so he's not just going to ask her out). And that's the set up to the story. Almost every time, there is that quick back and forth between the outcast and the popular kid, but that is used to show that the popular kid is kind of a dick. (You can add a hundred more stories here, I'll pick Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

So anyway. I'm saying its all about structure. These relationships and interactions are all there to establish conflicts and give the story direction. The MC is an outcast who either has to A) work their way into the cool kids or B) have some sort of conflict with that group.


Now let's look at your set up in context. Your character makes friends very easily and gets hit on by somebody even if she gets rejected by the guy she wants. So what does this tell me about your story? It tells me that there is going to be no real social conflict, and that your MC's opinions about their ugliness are mostly internalized. So structurally, when I read this, I assume that the entirety of your story is a perfectly normal and attractive girl with severe self esteem issues is going to try and court a narcissist.

Not sure that's a story I want to read.
 

TheTrinary

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Oh wow. Your reviews are amazing and concise. I'd like to know what you think about my first chapter. Thank you in advance.


Thanks for the compliment. Not that it will affect my feedback.

With that said, I was vibing with your story from sentence one. Right away, I'm engaged, and the rest of the chapter didn't let me down. Really solid writing and I really enjoyed it. Strong central character. Conflict immediately established. No criticisms to be had. I would recommend your story based on its first chapter and I wish you luck.
 

Tessa_Renalds

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Okay so Traveler: So I have the opposite problem with prose than the others that I've had here, in that its too much and awkward because the word choice is too verbose. Just read your first paragraph out loud. It's really awkward. The rest of the chapter isn't as bad as that, but there are several instances where it just feels like you're picking words out of a thesaurus. You know how to write, you just don't how to make it sound natural. Outside of this, there's a lot of exposition. Tons of places and people that its bogged down by. And then there was nothing really exciting to latch on to. It was basically, character has visions and falls from a place. I've seen both of these before and it really doesn't give me a sense where the story is going or why I should stick around. So this one is a no.

And then Odyssey: This has a lot of the same problems in prose, but it does feel more honest. It reads like you're interested in videogame Youtubers and the like and that helps. But once again, I'm just not seeing any decent hook to get me to stick. It's things I've seen before almost 1:1 and there is no unique or interesting take on it, and I'm pretty sure I know where the story goes from here. So this is a no as well.
I’ve been told by many that my writing tends to be more technical and verbose. My exposition can be way too wordy, which does explain it being an info dump. [FFXIV is so hard to explain without it being such an info dump lmao.] I’ll go through and see what I can whittle down in Traveler. Yeah, not gonna lie the MC’s I created didn’t really have that pizazz I would have liked. It’s like that with most of my main characters. I’m also not the greatest with hooks, as they tend to appear later on in the story instead of the beginning.
I appreciate the feedback for both Traveler and Odyssey! I do have some ideas for it but I’m taking some time to m

Surprisingly I never once cracked a thesaurus while writing, that’s just the words I use in my daily life. Lol You have made a very valid point though, and I should strive for a more natural way of speaking; I should read what I write aloud but it’s hard when you’re stuck in a cubicle at work. Coworkers look at you weirdly when you talk to yourself.
Thank you very much! :3
 

TheTrinary

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I’ve been told by many that my writing tends to be more technical and verbose. My exposition can be way too wordy, which does explain it being an info dump. [FFXIV is so hard to explain without it being such an info dump lmao.] I’ll go through and see what I can whittle down in Traveler. Yeah, not gonna lie the MC’s I created didn’t really have that pizazz I would have liked. It’s like that with most of my main characters. I’m also not the greatest with hooks, as they tend to appear later on in the story instead of the beginning.
I appreciate the feedback for both Traveler and Odyssey! I do have some ideas for it but I’m taking some time to m

Surprisingly I never once cracked a thesaurus while writing, that’s just the words I use in my daily life. Lol You have made a very valid point though, and I should strive for a more natural way of speaking; I should read what I write aloud but it’s hard when you’re stuck in a cubicle at work. Coworkers look at you weirdly when you talk to yourself.
Thank you very much! :3
Glad you took it all so well.

And as far as exposition goes, it can be good or bad. Let's take a look at a specific example. Your two characters are sitting down discussing what happened in school. . . as far as I remember. And you throw out another name. Like world building that's great (and maybe it comes up later), but I see that name and I say, oh no another person in the story I need to know. When you are introducing readers to your story, you can't just throw out all this stuff; it's overwhelming.

Say the first chapter was just that conversation and her falling and that's it. Then that scene and that namedrop works because that's what I'm focused on and there's nothing else bogging me down. But when you have that on top of everything else, I get tired.

So it's not that exposition is bad, but it's a question of how much and how quickly. If there is too much, what can you simplify and let the reader digest later?
 

Michuyu

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Yea I'm not feeling it. Right away, you go pretty hard on some of the characters making them pretty over the top and cliche. The MC isn't the worst for all this is, but I need a stronger voice or something more to really care. And then, speaking of what it is, I'm not really sure it all fits together. "Ugly(?)" girl is new to school. Attends class. Wants hot boy. Easy enough. But then, she immediately makes friends with the upbeat, popular girl. Has a guy (even if he is a nerd) give her his number, without even talking to her.

It's very strange to put these things together. Take something like Princess Diaries or even Mean Girl. You have a girl who is in some way an outsider, who then makes friends with other outsiders (and sure the guy will probably like her but he's a bit of a loser too so he's not just going to ask her out). And that's the set up to the story. Almost every time, there is that quick back and forth between the outcast and the popular kid, but that is used to show that the popular kid is kind of a dick. (You can add a hundred more stories here, I'll pick Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

So anyway. I'm saying its all about structure. These relationships and interactions are all there to establish conflicts and give the story direction. The MC is an outcast who either has to A) work their way into the cool kids or B) have some sort of conflict with that group.


Now let's look at your set up in context. Your character makes friends very easily and gets hit on by somebody even if she gets rejected by the guy she wants. So what does this tell me about your story? It tells me that there is going to be no real social conflict, and that your MC's opinions about their ugliness are mostly internalized. So structurally, when I read this, I assume that the entirety of your story is a perfectly normal and attractive girl with severe self esteem issues is going to try and court a narcissist.

Not sure that's a story I want to read.
Thank you so much for the honest feedback!! I want to clarify some things though, you don't have to read (It's mostly to make me feel better, although it's not that you were too harsh, I just have thin skin lol Of course I will still use your criticism and apply it to my story!) ^^

The upbeat popular girl is not that popular. She's pretty, but not popular. She is also upbeat, yes, which is why she easily makes friends with the MC, not that the MC immediately makes friends with her.

The nerd boy is popular and cute, not really facing the hardships of the stigma surrounding nerds. He gives MC his number because the teacher put them in a group and they need to exchange numbers.

MC never got hit on by anyone. Sure, one guy was staring at her, but it's not revealed what he is thinking when looking at her. Not everyone who stares at someone is thinking good thoughts. However, the upbeat girl is an optimist, so she just says that the guy is checking MC out.

Internalized insecurities is a real social conflict as it prevents a person from being able to form healthy relationships... Also, nowhere in the book cover or story does it indicate that the MC is attractive.

And for the record, she clearly says that she plans on hitting on all three of the guys, not just the narcissist. Because this is written in the MC's first person pov, it's hard to reveal anything deeper about the other characters and the MC may be a bit self-serving when speaking about what she is going through, so it seems like she's perfectly normal.

I was aware that the delivery of my story would be bad, but I guess it's really bad >.< I'll probably edit and rewrite after I finish the whole story haha. Thank you again for taking the time to help me!! <3
 

Tessa_Renalds

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Glad you took it all so well.

And as far as exposition goes, it can be good or bad. Let's take a look at a specific example. Your two characters are sitting down discussing what happened in school. . . as far as I remember. And you throw out another name. Like world building that's great (and maybe it comes up later), but I see that name and I say, oh no another person in the story I need to know. When you are introducing readers to your story, you can't just throw out all this stuff; it's overwhelming.

Say the first chapter was just that conversation and her falling and that's it. Then that scene and that namedrop works because that's what I'm focused on and there's nothing else bogging me down. But when you have that on top of everything else, I get tired.

So it's not that exposition is bad, but it's a question of how much and how quickly. If there is too much, what can you simplify and let the reader digest later?
Of course! I asked for your feedback, and I’m very grateful you took the time to help me address the technical problems for my writing! :D I always ask my friends, but I think they are too kind and say: yeah it’s good! :sweating_profusely: Which doesn’t help me grow as a writer.

Huh, I never really thought of it like that. I could probably move a few bits to the next chapter just so it helps alleviate the congestion. I guess I was thinking about how it would drive a conversation between the two kids—but it makes sense why that whole chapter maybe a bit much for a new reader. Too much of one thing can also be considered bad—moderation is key. Hrmm. Very excellent and valid points.

I thought about ending the chapter when she fell too; but then I thought that would be a cliche way to end it. That’s probably why I continued into the vision and her waking up with her parent. I know now that’s my fault for not considering my audience.
 

TheTrinary

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Of course! I asked for your feedback, and I’m very grateful you took the time to help me address the technical problems for my writing! :D I always ask my friends, but I think they are too kind and say: yeah it’s good! :sweating_profusely: Which doesn’t help me grow as a writer.

Huh, I never really thought of it like that. I could probably move a few bits to the next chapter just so it helps alleviate the congestion. I guess I was thinking about how it would drive a conversation between the two kids—but it makes sense why that whole chapter maybe a bit much for a new reader. Too much of one thing can also be considered bad—moderation is key. Hrmm. Very excellent and valid points.

I thought about ending the chapter when she fell too; but then I thought that would be a cliche way to end it. That’s probably why I continued into the vision and her waking up with her parent. I know now that’s my fault for not considering my audience.


I'm not sure that ending it at the fall is cliche. It makes sense in terms of structure to end it at a place like this. Overlaps in structure aren't cliche, that's just structure. There's a way we all tell stories (unless you're trying to be avant garde). Overlaps in overdone ideas are cliche. The fall is the cliche, while ending it at the fall would just be a pretty standard cliff hanger meant to foster reader engagement and carry through to the next chapter.

And yea, the thing about the kids I get. I read it as that. It makes sense they would be talking about that. But the thing is, as a writer, you can make those two talk about literally anything. The trick is finding something that is both genuine to them and works narratively.
 

FADEX

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Thanks for the compliment. Not that it will affect my feedback.

With that said, I was vibing with your story from sentence one. Right away, I'm engaged, and the rest of the chapter didn't let me down. Really solid writing and I really enjoyed it. Strong central character. Conflict immediately established. No criticisms to be had. I would recommend your story based on its first chapter and I wish you luck.

Thank you!🙂😊
 
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