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Kidd_Wadsworth

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Would keep reading.

The rare "Wants to be a genuine novel and feels like it". These are my favorite to talk about, so I'll just talk about it on a more professional scale than I normally use, if you don't mind.

You're prose is generally nice. It doesn't hit perfectly in a few areas and could use a line edit, but it's only a handful of words I think need inspecting; you pivot exceptionally well between action, character thoughts, dialogue, and expesition, and it's just a good first chapter in terms of establishment and action.

I do have some glaring faults to find here, however. Thinking about this professionally, if an agent had this, I don't see it being enough. You have an issue with the overall flow of action. It's very choppy and I have some questions here. You have a paragraph break early on. It made sense when it happened, but then the rest of the chapter jumped back and forth between outside and in? Why was that there?

And this gets into a larger issue of perspective. There are plenty of ways a writer can go about framing a scene, but it gets confusing when it isn't abundently clear how they are doing that. We start laser focused on the Nana character, but then we jump around to this and that. I'm not saying it can't work, but it felt disjointed here. I would trim a lot of this downand present things more streamlined. You can convey a lot of this information without these constant swaps.

Finally, there was a lack of authorial voice here, and this is your achilles heel. Everything else an editor can fix/assist in a couple minutes. But a lot of this is presented very flat without much personality. You have some flowery prose up front and its very self important, but even that goes away. I'm looking for character details that feel nuanced and surprisingly real. I'm looking for action that's sharp. I don't know the word for the opposite of sharp in writing, but this is it. It's all well written and FINE, but it all feels horribly safe without the intent to entertain or engage.
Lots to think about here. Thank you for the review. --Kidd
 

Kidd_Wadsworth

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Middle of the road with this one. I guess I'll say would not keep reading.

I like a lot of what you have going on here. Good start. Fun concept. Conceptually, I was engaged.

The downside is in a lot of the execution. A lot of both the dialogue and writing I found grating. The way the characters speak very often has a stilted, unnatural quality to it. And that's mostly how you're building them up and characterizing them so that hurt too.

And then you handled a lot of scene setting and exposition too clunky. It's the rare case of when someone takes "show don't tell" too far: "This suit was based on a human template Pa, it should filter out all kinds of diseases!"

Noone would ever say this. It's okay just to put that in the third person. Don't spoon feed exposition with dialogue. Especially if it's information the characters wouldn't say because they both know it.

Would keep reading.

The rare "Wants to be a genuine novel and feels like it". These are my favorite to talk about, so I'll just talk about it on a more professional scale than I normally use, if you don't mind.

You're prose is generally nice. It doesn't hit perfectly in a few areas and could use a line edit, but it's only a handful of words I think need inspecting; you pivot exceptionally well between action, character thoughts, dialogue, and expesition, and it's just a good first chapter in terms of establishment and action.

I do have some glaring faults to find here, however. Thinking about this professionally, if an agent had this, I don't see it being enough. You have an issue with the overall flow of action. It's very choppy and I have some questions here. You have a paragraph break early on. It made sense when it happened, but then the rest of the chapter jumped back and forth between outside and in? Why was that there?

And this gets into a larger issue of perspective. There are plenty of ways a writer can go about framing a scene, but it gets confusing when it isn't abundently clear how they are doing that. We start laser focused on the Nana character, but then we jump around to this and that. I'm not saying it can't work, but it felt disjointed here. I would trim a lot of this downand present things more streamlined. You can convey a lot of this information without these constant swaps.

Finally, there was a lack of authorial voice here, and this is your achilles heel. Everything else an editor can fix/assist in a couple minutes. But a lot of this is presented very flat without much personality. You have some flowery prose up front and its very self important, but even that goes away. I'm looking for character details that feel nuanced and surprisingly real. I'm looking for action that's sharp. I don't know the word for the opposite of sharp in writing, but this is it. It's all well written and FINE, but it all feels horribly safe without the intent to entertain or engage.

And like I said, there is a lot of good here. It was borderline on that thumbs up or down. So don't be discouraged. Having something that genuinley works and that you can build off of is exactly what you want. The part that worked, that core kernel, was better than most stories I give a thumbs up to. It just's a matter of focusing down on that now.

Would not keep reading.

The writing is very. . . weak. Multiple outright mistakes, including in your first sentence. You are slow to convey iformation and do it inefficiently. Focus on your fundamentals and work at the prose. Maybe read it aloud, I find that helps me.

I'm going to approach this one in a way I have never done before, with a question.

How many words, do you reckon, are in your first chapter?
Hi, I wanted you to know that I have tried to address your concerns and have modified the first chapter. Still having a bit of a problem hoping back and forth between inside and out. Working on it. Thanks again for the help. --Kidd
 

TheTrinary

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Hey... how about this first chapter? https://www.scribblehub.com/series/619639/reincarnated-as-poseidon-in-gow/

I tried to do better than the other one and i think i succeed!
Would not keep reading.

Your prose starts with a very detached and fly on the wall approach which is an odd choice. In retrospect, I don't think it was intentional, but vagueness isn't a good way to win an audience over. "At some bar, some people, did a thing." Maybe paint a picture.

And then we delve into a philosophical discussion which hurt. I mean, it COULD work if it was written up and had something clever about it, but as is the opening scene felt like stoner kids just saying nonsense they think is deep while everyone in earshot laughs at them.

Despite all of this, I really really like the ending. I don't want to keep readin because the rest of the chapter gives me no confidence, but as far as premises go, surprisingly an A+. Normally someone being incarnated as a literal god would be seen as a good thing or overpowered. But in this context, that is completely subverted and you immeadiatly have tension going forward and high stakes. It's almost enough to win me over in just one or two sentences.
Hi, I wanted you to know that I have tried to address your concerns and have modified the first chapter. Still having a bit of a problem hoping back and forth between inside and out. Working on it. Thanks again for the help. --Kidd
Okay I have reread anything yet but I am a little worried about your phrasing here. If you found my feedback insightful and it helped you discovered something, great! But also, just don't go changing something because you got negative feedback once; this leads to madness.

With all my disclaimers said, I think it's a big improvement. This might actually be the first time someone has come back with changes and it helped. Normally it's just. . . different. But I like this much more. You're not quite in the best first chapter of all time list, but you've nudged your way up there.
 
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No idea if you accept Google Docs chapter drafts that have been rewritten over and over again, but I’d really love to hear your thoughts. It’s my second attempt on writing a meta isekai novel with tons of references and even some expies as important characters. Each chapter has two parts, but be warned that I’m still omitting a lot of profanity in my prose. Also, as you read through, you’re going to see unfinished chapters in the end, so again, please be warned.

World Story 2.0 draft
 
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Was waiting till I edited all 15 chapters before asking to get reviewed by people, but since you're just offering first chapter I guess its fine?
Anyway, I don't want to be greedy, so feel free to refuse, but can you tell me your opinion w the synopsis? a simple, 'not interesting enough' or 'too long' is enough.

I'll be in your care senior!:blobthumbsup::blob_popcorn:

 

TunaDealer

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UPDATE: Be sure to check out my other thread and my Youtube channel: https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
First time using forum so please excuse me: But here is my link
I even have some much older stuff on other websites with a few views so i would like to know if I am jsut bad or unlucky :D
 

awgcoleman

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This is actuallly what I've been looking for. Trying to see if my first chapter hooks people and pulls them in. I've worked on the first few chapters of my story multiple times trying to make sure it hooks people in and makes them want to keep reading, so any feedback on that would be helpful.

 

jtwrites

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You need to take it to square one and just focus on the fundamentals of writing.

I haven't found a way of explaining much without being horribly dissuasive. Maybe start out by making sure each sentence has a full, independant clause.

Would not keep reading.

I would recommend simplifying. You're prose is overly verbose and unfocused. Other sentences have mistakes that seemed to be created by the same problem. Start simple and build from there. There is room for flowerly language and thick description, but you need to place that on top of a solid foundation. Without a foundation that resonates with the reader, it seems excessive.

Would not keep reading.

There's something fun here, but I think your biggest enemy is the prose. It's technically competent, but it also steps on your story's toes. One of the key features that seperates amateur works and professional is the efficiency of the information being conveyed. 90% of all words should add something.

I think you're drastically under that. I would absolutely take the axe to a lot of this to clean it up. I'll give an example:

The dark brown wolf wrangles the long bones together and tries to conceal them in the already overflowing bathroom closet. He finally manages to latch the door after fighting a near avalanche for several minutes. He sighs and slides to the floor with his back to the door. “Geez,” he complains. “That was almost not worth the effort. But at least that’s done now.”

My version:

The Big Bad Wolf's arms droop under the weight of the bones. He smashes them into the already crowded closet and uses his shoulder to keep the avalance already there from falling. "Geez," he complains, "that was not worth the effort."

Explanation.

Sentence One: You're evoking Red Riding Hood which everyone knows. The fact that you don't then evoke his name is weird and instead describe him. This is a bit pointless because we already have a picture of the wolf in our mind. "Wrangles. . . together." is redundant. Not to mention if they are in his arms, we can safely assume he picked them up. And then you go out of your way to say he "conceals" them. Putting them in a closest is obviously concealing. You're wasting our time by not letting the verbs do the heavy lifting. "Overflowing bathroom closet". This is pretty much covered by the next sentence. Once again, huge amounts of repition.

Sentence two: "Several minutes" is weak and pointless. "fighting" doesn't paint a picture in our minds and is a weak choice of description. "Latch the door", I have nothing against this in principle.

Sentence three: Completely redundant. The next sentence's "Geez" already shows exhaustion or frustration. And even if it wasn't there, what does this add? It's wholey unimportant.

Sentence four/five: First off, I'm not sure why this is two sentences. Second, Almost undercuts the idea of the sentence. You are showing that he is tired and aggravated. It conflicts with the overall mood. And finally, "But at least that's done now" is also pointless. We see that by the fact that he's done. You're just wasting our time.

OVERALL:
You used 64 words. I used 40. And I think I managed to include a bit more voice and personality in mine. So as a letter grade, you're aiming for 90% efficiency (professional) you're at 62%.

Time flies huh? I'm defintley not as fast getting to stories as I used to be (haha). Anyway, as far as your story goes: Would keep reading this.

It's a bit uneven in terms of what works and what doesn't it. I think a lot of what you have is absolutely perfect. Techically and even on a story telling level the writing is quite good. Where you get lost is the structure. It's a rare complaint and one I don't bring up unless everything else is there. The effect is that things get a little confused or hard to follow. It has nothing to do with starting us in the action. It has nothing to do with the cut aways giving us explanation.

It's all an issue in the logical progression of the elements. Not to say that what's on screen isn't logical, but I think if you apply the standard three act structure here, it's going to make a lot more sense and be easier to read. 25% build a foundation, 50% explore the idea that you set up, 25% resolution. And within that, you would ideally have a continuous escalation of threat/stakes/other important element.

Would keep reading.

This was pretty good. Your focus on character was not only an attribute but the star of the show. Don't you dare apologize for that. I would agree that it overshadows the action, but that isn't a problem on the character side. It's just that the other elements are boring by comparison; if you tone down the character, it won't make those more interesting.

And i'm not saying the rest was a flat line by any means. You immeadiatly got my attention wtih some character beats and voice, and you had some intelligent play with ideas that caught my attention again. It was aware of its audience and the genre. There was a perfect moment there when you were playing with the reader and the expectation of an portal fantasy. Now I do think you went to far here when you started blatantly pointing it out and even mentioning "isekaid".

So overall, I think it's quite good and there's room for improvement in some areas. My personal preference would be to keep playing with audience expectation without being outright blatant. Maybe pump up the setting with some fun observations. There's a lot you can do here.

To be fair. I'll do prologues if specifically asked, otherwise I skip to chapter 1. In terms of your story: would not keep reading.

I think there is a lot of good here and a lot of potential. However (obviously there is a however), I think there are a lot of issues as well that hurt enjoyment when reading.

We have some logical nonsequitors: P1, MC went to this school for this one class. P2, MC hates this class. Huh? That could be fun or even clever if there was an idea of progression, like she became disilusioned, but that isn't here. It's very strange.

Exposition: This was confusing in terms of the authorial intent. You start us off with potential exposition only for your MC to show some personality and blow it off. Which was VERY GOOD. Not only do we relate to being in a boring classroom and get to see some personality, but it sneakily throws some exposition at us. It's a little too silly in my opinion, but it's there.

BUT THEN you then throw straight exposition at us in the next section. Which is it? Is exposition boring organically or are we being spoon fed exposition by the author. Not only is that disonance there, but you already achieved greatness. That professor speach, while a bit too nebulous, gave us all we really needed to know about the world. At least for one chapter. We have some world building. We have some terms. The audience has a vague impression, so now we can go and learn about characters and have real problems and– nope. Stopping for exposition. It's very strange.

Finally, it's pretty unfocused. It's not really about one thing. We have four scenes, a bunch of different characters, no real conflict or goal. You do want to establish setting and characters early, but it still needs to be about something. And the more scenes and characters you introduce, the harder it is to establish characters. Every story ever is a reverse funnel. You start a point and build out. I'd sure like to see something more focused here.

So overall, I think you were really close to that line in terms of would or wouldn't keep reading. You write well and there's a lot here that works conceptually. I think you are just having a hard to properly framing your elements or sorting through them logically.



Woah, I was late seeing this. I appreciate you taking a look, but I think the biggest difference in our “versions” is voice. It’s not an argument, just an observation.

I would like to point out something in one of your gripes, though.

“The fact that you don’t then evoke his name is weird and instead describe him. This is a bit pointless because we already have a picture of the wolf in our mind.”

…This is incorrect and I’ve included some references below. This story originated in pre 17th century Europe via The Brothers Grimm. You’re conflating the Disney version, which didn’t come into play until 1933, where the Big Bad Wolf made his debut in The Three Little Pigs. Now, you might be inclined to say that it makes more sense to operate with your assumption, but isn’t that just another game of telephone? It’s writing a story based on a story, that’s based on a story. Eventually, we’ll have a story without a wolf or a little girl visiting a grandmother.

In the Grimm’s original, the sly wolf is referred to as ‘wolf.’

“Thank you kindly, wolf.”

“The wolf thought to himself”

So your feedback and assumption here are based on the Disney copy, so I felt it was important to point out this distinction.

Thanks again for having a look. Happy reading.

https://americanliterature.com/childrens-stories/little-red-riding-hood

https://americanliterature.com/author/the-brothers-grimm/fairy-tale/little-red-cap

The Big Bad Wolf is an animated short released on 13 April 1934 by United Artists, produced by Walt Disney and directed by Burt Gillett as part of the Silly Symphony series. In the film, the Big Bad Wolf from 1933’s Three Little Pigs is the adversary of Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.

via https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Red_Riding_Hood
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Woah, I was late seeing this. I appreciate you taking a look, but I think the biggest difference in our “versions” is voice. It’s not an argument, just an observation.

I would like to point out something in one of your gripes, though.

“The fact that you don’t then evoke his name is weird and instead describe him. This is a bit pointless because we already have a picture of the wolf in our mind.”

…This is incorrect and I’ve included some references below. This story originated in pre 17th century Europe via The Brothers Grimm. You’re conflating the Disney version, which didn’t come into play until 1933, where the Big Bad Wolf made his debut in The Three Little Pigs. Now, you might be inclined to say that it makes more sense to operate with your assumption, but isn’t that just another game of telephone? It’s writing a story based on a story, that’s based on a story. Eventually, we’ll have a story without a wolf or a little girl visiting a grandmother.

In the Grimm’s original, the sly wolf is referred to as ‘wolf.’

“Thank you kindly, wolf.”

“The wolf thought to himself”

So your feedback and assumption here are based on the Disney copy, so I felt it was important to point out this distinction.

Thanks again for having a look. Happy reading.

https://americanliterature.com/childrens-stories/little-red-riding-hood

https://americanliterature.com/author/the-brothers-grimm/fairy-tale/little-red-cap

The Big Bad Wolf is an animated short released on 13 April 1934 by United Artists, produced by Walt Disney and directed by Burt Gillett as part of the Silly Symphony series. In the film, the Big Bad Wolf from 1933’s Three Little Pigs is the adversary of Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.

via https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Red_Riding_Hood
I have never heard or seen the Disney version of the "Wolf". You immeadiatly jump to that image in your head, I jump to another one. Which is kind of my point. By simply evoking the fairly tale, every person on planet Earth has a clear image in their head.

It might be a different story if yours had something special or unique to latch onto, but as is. . . not really? It wasn't a huge critique obviously, but at the same time, it's form and function. You are evoking something while also distancing yourself from it, and that dissonance is going to be picked up on by the reader.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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No idea if you accept Google Docs chapter drafts that have been rewritten over and over again, but I’d really love to hear your thoughts. It’s my second attempt on writing a meta isekai novel with tons of references and even some expies as important characters. Each chapter has two parts, but be warned that I’m still omitting a lot of profanity in my prose. Also, as you read through, you’re going to see unfinished chapters in the end, so again, please be warned.

World Story 2.0 draft
As long as it's a link! My rating: Would not keep reading.

There is a pretty fundamental issue with clarity and prose here. It reads very strange and is hard to follow. It's one of those times where I say "focus on the fundamentals".

HOWEVER, uselly when I say that, that's all I say. But there was a real energy and humor that worked here. Maybe some of it was the confusion, but it feels like you'er an entertainer at heart, and that's worth a lot. It's something that I would like to revisit again if it got cleaned up.
Was waiting till I edited all 15 chapters before asking to get reviewed by people, but since you're just offering first chapter I guess its fine?
Anyway, I don't want to be greedy, so feel free to refuse, but can you tell me your opinion w the synopsis? a simple, 'not interesting enough' or 'too long' is enough.

I'll be in your care senior!:blobthumbsup::blob_popcorn:

Your synopsis isn't really a synopsis. It's a loose story. And that could be interesting on it's own if done properly, but your writing style is very week including the actual story. Would not keep reading.

Let's just look at the opening paragraph:

Somewhere within a forest, a girl was seen walking along an unfamiliar terrain. She seemed exhausted. But even then, she kept herself moving forward.

Sentence 1: Passive. In fact, super passive verb choice.
Sentence 2: Vague and passive
Sentence 3: Pretty passive still.

It's not even your verb choice. Almost every single word you choose is vague and weak.

Somewhere- Where exactly? Be descriptive
Was Seen walking- Just "walked" dude
Seemed Exhausted- Not a description. Really blatant.
Kept- weak

For example here's how I would write the first paragraph:

Deep in the heart of the (insert name here) Woods, a girl stumbled along an umfamiliar path. With each footstep, she teetered on the brink of exhaustion.

Same exact length, wayyyy more detail. So stuff like that. The goal of writing is to paint a picture and be as specific as possible. It's dynamic like music. Every now and then you'll throw a "was tired" in there, but the majority of your prose needs to do the heavy lifting.
 
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Deleted member 93348

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As long as it's a link! My rating: Would not keep reading.

There is a pretty fundamental issue with clarity and prose here. It reads very strange and is hard to follow. It's one of those times where I say "focus on the fundamentals".

HOWEVER, uselly when I say that, that's all I say. But there was a real energy and humor that worked here. Maybe some of it was the confusion, but it feels like you'er an entertainer at heart, and that's worth a lot. It's something that I would like to revisit again if it got cleaned up.
Yeah, I expected you wouldn’t keep reading; it’s still a rough draft despite the multiple revisions I’ve done. Others already told me my paragraphs aren’t clear enough, becoming too metaphorical at best and disjointed at worst. They did say my pacing has improved drastically compared to my first try as an author, and that’s enough for me to keep going.
 

TheTrinary

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First time using forum so please excuse me: But here is my link
I even have some much older stuff on other websites with a few views so i would like to know if I am jsut bad or unlucky :D
Would not keep reading.

You lose me right away with the weak writing.

"Hey, have you heard that Oswell the barbarian is fighting soon?", a young man tells in a tavern called the Northern Bok.

Extremely unatural and just weird at the end. Not only do people not talk like this, but the prose falls off the proverbial horse too. "Tells a tavern" is not good. And then you tack on "Called the Northern Bok" which feels unnatural and overly expository.

Try: The doors to the Northern Bok tavern flew open. "Oswell The Barbarian is about to rip his fucking head off!"
Or: "Oswell the Barbian will rip his throat out!" The Northern Bok pub grew silent as a scrawny man two beers too deep stood on a table.

So I'm fluffing up the presentation of it, but you get it.

And this is particularily important for dialogue because you're feels particularily unnatural. You DO need to communicate information to your reader: "E.g. Oswell is going to be fighting," but the trick then becomes to communicate that in a secondary way. People need to have a real conversation where we learn that information in context or with some nuance.
Yeah, I expected you wouldn’t keep reading; it’s still a rough draft despite the multiple revisions I’ve done. Others already told me my paragraphs aren’t clear enough, becoming too metaphorical at best and disjointed at worst. They did say my pacing has improved drastically compared to my first try as an author, and that’s enough for me to keep going.
It's interesting that you frame it that way, because I did have that thought. I wasn't always sure if it was unintentionally awkward or intentionally stylistic. Because like I said, there's an energy and entertainment factor here that garners some trust. Normally I would say here ask others, but if you've already done that and everyone can't follow, maybe just work on shoring up the logic.
 
D

Deleted member 93348

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maybe just work on shoring up the logic.
I have some ideas, and the first is "dumbing down" the prose at least 80% of the time for better clarity, and the second is laying off the inner monologue and soliloquies when they’re not welcome. The thing is, I write in third-person yet mostly inside the mind of the MC, which would probably work better in first-person. But I’ve never written in first-person, so it’d be like tearing the entire framework of my story.
 

TheTrinary

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This is actuallly what I've been looking for. Trying to see if my first chapter hooks people and pulls them in. I've worked on the first few chapters of my story multiple times trying to make sure it hooks people in and makes them want to keep reading, so any feedback on that would be helpful.

Would keep reading.

It's an easy thumbs up to anyone who can do the prose right, and your story is undoubtadly enjoyable and easy to read on that level. So much so that I'm not going to evaluate this as a web novel and do my analysis as a book on the actual market:

I think your story falls into the trap when establishing a foundation for a story. ESPECIALLY for a first chapter. It should be a reverse funnel. We start at a single point and expand outwards from there introducing new elements and characters. You though, have so many POV shifts, and location jumps, and jumps that are ambiguous as to the reletive time (e.g. right after the fire breaks out.)

I would first challenge you to find a professionally written chapter that you enjoy that employs this narrative structure. I would be very surprised if such a thing existed. Because even single chapters normally follow story format. As the writer, you have the world and all these fantastical elements in your head, but the audience doesn't. And we don't care. At least, we won't care until we can ground our selves to one very real element that we can build off of.

So while you establish a lot of information and show us a lot of different things, it doesn't work for me. It feels like the kind of writing you would run into at chapter 20.

And once again remember: I'm framing this as something I found on the shelf. As a web novel, it's impressive. As a novel novel, it's very sloppy.

I do these kind of stream of conciousness so let me summarize: Distill it down to a singular idea. Even things like world building and the magic system. Sprinkle that in there, but don't even try to explain anything that you want remembered until we care about a something more substantial.
 

awgcoleman

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Would keep reading.

It's an easy thumbs up to anyone who can do the prose right, and your story is undoubtadly enjoyable and easy to read on that level. So much so that I'm not going to evaluate this as a web novel and do my analysis as a book on the actual market:

I think your story falls into the trap when establishing a foundation for a story. ESPECIALLY for a first chapter. It should be a reverse funnel. We start at a single point and expand outwards from there introducing new elements and characters. You though, have so many POV shifts, and location jumps, and jumps that are ambiguous as to the reletive time (e.g. right after the fire breaks out.)

I would first challenge you to find a professionally written chapter that you enjoy that employs this narrative structure. I would be very surprised if such a thing existed. Because even single chapters normally follow story format. As the writer, you have the world and all these fantastical elements in your head, but the audience doesn't. And we don't care. At least, we won't care until we can ground our selves to one very real element that we can build off of.

So while you establish a lot of information and show us a lot of different things, it doesn't work for me. It feels like the kind of writing you would run into at chapter 20.

And once again remember: I'm framing this as something I found on the shelf. As a web novel, it's impressive. As a novel novel, it's very sloppy.

I do these kind of stream of conciousness so let me summarize: Distill it down to a singular idea. Even things like world building and the magic system. Sprinkle that in there, but don't even try to explain anything that you want remembered until we care about a something more substantial.

Thanks for your feedback!
 

melchi

What is a custom title?
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Would love for someone to check out my first chapter and give me their thoughts:

Pitch-Black Paradise
The three typos in the first chapter aside, the first few sentences put a negative impression.

Year - 2230


“Help!”


The call rang out through the night.


“Somebody, help me!” The girl voice was laced with distress and terror.


“Anybody?”
Two quotes with no indication of who they are. Girl voice.... can she get a name? Just reading these lines gives me the impression that is it going to be extremely hard to follow. Also, starting out a book with dialogue is almost 100% reject for me. I would suggest using the first chapter to set a premise. If a reader can read it and come away with a clear premise for the MC and the rest of the book then it is good. If someone reads the chapter and comes away confused then I'd suggest trying again.
 
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As long as it's a link! My rating: Would not keep reading.

There is a pretty fundamental issue with clarity and prose here. It reads very strange and is hard to follow. It's one of those times where I say "focus on the fundamentals".

HOWEVER, uselly when I say that, that's all I say. But there was a real energy and humor that worked here. Maybe some of it was the confusion, but it feels like you'er an entertainer at heart, and that's worth a lot. It's something that I would like to revisit again if it got cleaned up.

Your synopsis isn't really a synopsis. It's a loose story. And that could be interesting on it's own if done properly, but your writing style is very week including the actual story. Would not keep reading.

Let's just look at the opening paragraph:

Somewhere within a forest, a girl was seen walking along an unfamiliar terrain. She seemed exhausted. But even then, she kept herself moving forward.

Sentence 1: Passive. In fact, super passive verb choice.
Sentence 2: Vague and passive
Sentence 3: Pretty passive still.

It's not even your verb choice. Almost every single word you choose is vague and weak.

Somewhere- Where exactly? Be descriptive
Was Seen walking- Just "walked" dude
Seemed Exhausted- Not a description. Really blatant.
Kept- weak

For example here's how I would write the first paragraph:

Deep in the heart of the (insert name here) Woods, a girl stumbled along an umfamiliar path. With each footstep, she teetered on the brink of exhaustion.

Same exact length, wayyyy more detail. So stuff like that. The goal of writing is to paint a picture and be as specific as possible. It's dynamic like music. Every now and then you'll throw a "was tired" in there, but the majority of your prose needs to do the heavy lifting.
So use more active words and be more descriptive? Got it. Thx for the help! Appreciate it
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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If you want to check out the first chapter of this thing I've been plucking away at for fun.
Magical Girl? I'm not sure about this.
Would keep reading.

That was fun and unexpected. You hook me right away by how unusual things were and I wanted to know more about the flamingo. There's a weird sense of humor to it that worked for me and I generally had a good time.

The parts I don't like where it was being blatant and just telling the audience things: "This is a quest. . ." "I did research and this is that type of story." I guess there are places for statements like that, but I don't like it when things grind to a halt just for the author to nudge the reader in the ribs.
Would love for someone to check out my first chapter and give me their thoughts:

Pitch-Black Paradise
Would keep reading.

Looks like I'm in a weird position where I also need to address the review that someone else left. I think they are mostly right. The one thing I disagree with is starting a story with dialogue. Using a snippet as a hook is fine if done properly, and I have no complaints about what you did here conceptually. It's just. . . not well organized or presented.

Past the open, I think your only real problem is the clarity and presentation. There are some confusing sentences, especially when it comes to dialogue. This could work perfectly fine with maybe just a once over edit to clean it up and work on the clarity. (Especially the dialogue).
 
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