Hello again,
@TheTrinary. I’ve come back here because, believe it or not, I rewrote my story again, and I mean like from the ground up. It might as well be a completely different novel at this point, only retaining the same humorist tone and heavy pop culture references. Please let me know what you think at any time. I’m still busy rewriting chapters 3-7 before I can show them to anyone.
Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).
docs.google.com
Rating: Would read one more chapter.
THE GOOD
The real thing that won me over is the prose and authorial voice. It's not 100% there, as we'll talk about, but there's something very engaging and stylized about how you write sentences often. And there's also a very strong voice. It was overbearing at times and a bit too on the nose, but for the most part it worked.
THE PART THAT LOST ME
The down side is also the prose, weirdly enough. There's a weird clarity when talking about logical progression. I always knew what was going on. . . but just vaguely. Some of this might harken back to the way the prose is stilted in the first place, but I mostly attribute this to the writer having a clear vision in their head that just isn't translating at all times. You know what's going on, so you forget how much information the reader needs to keep up or stay in the loop.
OVERALL
It seems like a good attempt to entertain with a veyr common stype of story. I'd be looking for a very solid establishment of Horoki's character going forward (or maybe there's a prologue for that)., but something very real to connect with.
Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...
www.scribblehub.com
(admittedly it's an acquired taste)
Rating: Would keep reading
THE GOOD
I really think you do a good job writing this. Not to say it's perfect with a few more bigger pictures errors in paragraphs and flow, but overall it's an enjoyable read. Just by virtue of giving us a strong POV and really putting us in their shoes with descriptive language. At a very basic level, if a chapter proves to me that you can write in an entertaining fashion, you've got my attention.
I also thought there were some interesting in text clues about what's going on. it felt like the language made it seem like our POV was in someone else's body. It got a little heavy handed later as if to really dig it in, but I appreciate that kind of story telilng that doesn't tell us what's going on outright, even if I'm wrong.
EVERYTHING ELSE
Otherwise, it's kind of a failure even though I am so positive on it. It does little to estalbish character, or world, or conflict, or really set up any promises for what the story is about. It works because it's short enough, but I'm going to need these things estalibhsed going forward of course.
OVERALL
I think this works as a nice advertisement for the author more than the story. However, if this is indicitive of larger problems going forward, it may lose me.
I'd love to hear what you think
www.scribblehub.com
Rating: Back to basics.
EVERYTHING:
You really to just be focused on writing something that is clear and tracks logically. This was incredibly diffiuclt to read. It's formatted strangly, it takes weird liberties, it fails to estalbish a lot of information. Remember that the author might have the scene in his head, but the reader doesn't. Just look at the first few lines: What is happening? I sure don't know. And then other stuff starts happening and I still completely lack context for what.
I would love to hear your thoughts on the first chapter labeled "The Summoning" It is like a portal fantasy from the summoner's point of view.
After being framed for the use of necromancy, Nero was banished from his hometown and the great magic academy. Having nowhere else to go he was cast out into the swamps bordering his home country, Where he got lost in an Imperial city ruin and end up in a labyrinth....
www.scribblehub.com
Wow didn't know you had something so popular. Rating:
Would keep reading.
THE GOOD and the BAD
You're really the Brandon Sanderson of web novels. You have good ideas and you write a lot. A lot. So the writing quality suffers a bit but you get it all out there. The focus on war crimes was fun, the scenes are constructed well enough where something always draws me back in and I say, "oh that's entertaining." It's obviously a pretty basic story idea and even a little long for what it is, but you put enough in there to keep it engaging.
I hate Brandon Sanderson. Really though, I think the prose suffers on occasion and I'm still not won over by your dialogue on the whole. It's push an pull. Putting up entertaining ideas and then executing them in a bit of an uniteresting or bloated way.
OVERALL
It's a weak thumbs up for me. You're doing something basic in fast and entertaining way, infused with enough personality to keep my attention. Hooray for war crimes.
Rating: Would keep reading.
THE GOOD
I quite liked the presentation and story telling on the whole. You put us right into it with a unique set of verbage and world building. It's challenging but I found it rewarding after sighing and lamenting that had to do it. What I'm saying is: it takes effort, but you reward the effort. Hooray. It's actually a very impressive feat and it's the sort of thing I like to encourage even if (let's be honest) it won't appeal to most people.
THE DISCONNECT
My main issue, if we are going to call it that, is the disconnect. Have you ever read Blood Meridian? It's like that. I like the style and I'm glad it's there, but it also hurts the story telling or my ability to glomp onto the story. The need for engagement places the moment to moment story behind a glass wall of sorts. I don't think this is 100% a requirement mind you. It's more difficult based on what you set out to do, but I do think it's at least theoretically possible for us to be in the thick of it without the style interrupting that. And this might be a case of me just need to aclimate mind you.
OVERALL:
I really enjoyed this. I'm going to put it on my read list and come back when I have some time because it's very interseting and unique.
I would appreciate input. While I've read many stories, this is my first attempt at getting a proper story written down and actually getting to the point I would share it with others. As there isn't a whole lot more TO read after the first chapter at the moment, knowing a first impression and getting an idea of any flaws can help me going forward. Ideally, I want to be intriguing enough to get people interested from the start. Reading the prologue is more sort of a background fluff and a main character introduction than anything else, but as a 'transferred to another world' story, it's mostly a set-up for that plot device. Even better if you don't particularly follow Starcraft, as my idea of what 'makes sense' is biased by prior knowledge of the game.
The story of Jack Donovan, an avid gamer and Starcraft fanatic who let his overconfidence in his abilities leave him in a position where he has to prove he has what it takes to lead a Terran army from scratch. He's played thousands of matches, so who better to know...
www.scribblehub.com
I actually used to really like Star Craft. When SC2 first came out I played it all the time and was even Master in Zerg. Anywho: Rating:
Would not keep reading.
THE GOOD:
It's perfectly readable and you cater to a unique niche.
The AI character is fine I guess. When she's being on the nose, that's a bit more acceptable.
THE BAD:
First, the MC is just annoying. He talks out loud and has to announce whatever he is thinking. It's annoying and it's also pretty obvious stuff that we wouldn't lose anything by him not saying everything out loud.
It's also poorly paced. Like, the first three or so paragraphs is all information we inherently understand with no real advancement or cleverness, or any real point. ESPECIALLY if you read the prologue. Got it, so where are we going with this information.
OVERALL
It's perfectly readable but I found it pretty grating. I was kind of excitign to read a Star Craft fanfic but there wasn't anything for me to latch onto and care about; conversely, there was a lot that put me off.
I like to toss mine fic
please tell me if u hav any suggestions
Rating:
Would not keep reading.
OVERALL
The writing was rough. It's just off enough where I can follow it, but it takes active effort to parse out what's being said. Just a bunch of jank and odd phrasing. I didn't divide this into sections because there wasn't anything I really liked, but there also wasn't anything really bad either. It's pretty middle of the road that's brought down a smidge below that by the style and clarity.
