Free First Chapter Feedback

[Deleted member 45782]

So for Chapter 1, I'm going to have to say no. There's nothing that happens. It's all just exposition about moving into the country from the big city. But like, why do I care? It's not like I like the character already and his only established character trait is being mopey and a little meta at the end. The writing is also awkward. There was one time I was genuinely confused as to what you were trying to say.

Thanks. Ik the character is kinda mundane so it was kinda hard to continue writing and trying to make it better. I think someone mentioned that the prologue transition to chapter 1 was anticlimax too so yeah, got to figure that out. Aside from a very short story, it was one of my first stories I began writing on. Thanks for the feedback.

Since its a story that I already partially made and its not something I have to do a whole lot of research on, I'm planning to revise pretty much most of the existing chapters. Aim to finish the story within this year probably.

 

[BlackFrost]

This is more or less the same as my last review for you. You have ideas but you can't execute them in a way to draw me in. Everything about the way its written is really unappealing to me.

EDIT: I will say I didn't get lost or confused reading this one. Although there are some of those sentence issues there that got me confused in the last one.

I'm confused when you say writing style, how do I fix or change that?

 

[TheTrinary]

I'm confused when you say writing style, how do I fix or change that?

What does writing style mean in your context?

Okay let's take a look at one of your sentences to start: "He stepped forward and held out his hand and suddenly, there was a sword, this sword was unusual, as half it's blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green." (the bold parts are objective mistakes that have nothing to do with style)

What do you see when you read this sentence? Because I see three different sentences that have been combined into one long run-on sentence. I parsed out all independent clauses below.

He stepped forward and held out his hand: Sentence one.
Suddenly, there was a sword. Sentence two.
This sword was unusual as half its blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

You CAN combine them grammatically but you didn't. Example one: He stepped forward and held out his hand, and suddenly, there was a sword. This sword was unusual as half it's blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

Example 2: He stepped forward and held out his hand. Suddenly, there was a sword; this sword was unusual as half its blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

Example 3: He stepped forward and held out his hand, and suddenly, there was a sword; this sword was unusual as half its blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

There are other ways to do this, but I took what you wrote word for word and just added the correct punctuation. I'm not telling you how to write, but if I was writing it (just as an example of how these ideas could be conveyed) I'd say, "The shadow-man crept towards me, his hand held out. A (insert description here) sword materialized in the haze; one half of the blade was black as night, the other half emerald green.

Correct grammar. Descriptive and colorful language that paints a picture. And a flow from one sentence to the next by varying sentence lengths and using comas, dashes, and semicolons to create varying lengths.

Okay that's all well and good, but how do you LEARN these things. First, learn the rules of the English language. What is an independent clause vs. a dependent clause? Did you know that in terms of use, commas, dashes, and parenthesis are all the same thing whose only differences are the level of emphasis they place on the idea? So that's step one.

Next, the advice old as time is to critically read authors you enjoy and look at what they do. I'm not talking about reading for enjoyment. I'm talking about studying their prose to see HOW they write. And if you want to take it a little further, you can then do exercises to try and write like them. You can take the sentences they wrote and reorganize them. Take a preposition from the end and put it in the beginning. Take joined independent clauses and separate them. Take dependent ideas and turn them into their own sentences.

If you have any more questions feel free to message me directly. I'd be happy to go over your chapters in greater detail if you want.

 

[BlackFrost]

What does writing style mean in your context?

Okay let's take a look at one of your sentences to start: "He stepped forward and held out his hand and suddenly, there was a sword, this sword was unusual, as half it's blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green." (the bold parts are objective mistakes that have nothing to do with style)

What do you see when you read this sentence? Because I see three different sentences that have been combined into one long run-on sentence. I parsed out all independent clauses below.

He stepped forward and held out his hand: Sentence one.
Suddenly, there was a sword. Sentence two.
This sword was unusual as half its blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

You CAN combine them grammatically but you didn't. Example one: He stepped forward and held out his hand, and suddenly, there was a sword. This sword was unusual as half it's blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

Example 2: He stepped forward and held out his hand. Suddenly, there was a sword; this sword was unusual as half its blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

Example 3: He stepped forward and held out his hand, and suddenly, there was a sword; this sword was unusual as half its blade was pitch black and the other half was bright green.

There are other ways to do this, but I took what you wrote word for word and just added the correct punctuation. I'm not telling you how to write, but if I was writing it (just as an example of how these ideas could be conveyed) I'd say, "The shadow-man crept towards me, his hand held out. A (insert description here) sword materialized in the haze; one half of the blade was black as night, the other half emerald green.

Correct grammar. Descriptive and colorful language that paints a picture. And a flow from one sentence to the next by varying sentence lengths and using comas, dashes, and semicolons to create varying lengths.

Okay that's all well and good, but how do you LEARN these things. First, learn the rules of the English language. What is an independent clause vs. a dependent clause? Did you know that in terms of use, commas, dashes, and parenthesis are all the same thing whose only differences are the level of emphasis they place on the idea? So that's step one.

Next, the advice old as time is to critically read authors you enjoy and look at what they do. I'm not talking about reading for enjoyment. I'm talking about studying their prose to see HOW they write. And if you want to take it a little further, you can then do exercises to try and write like them. You can take the sentences they wrote and reorganize them. Take a preposition from the end and put it in the beginning. Take joined independent clauses and separate them. Take dependent ideas and turn them into their own sentences.

If you have any more questions feel free to message me directly. I'd be happy to go over your chapters in greater detail if you want.

Oh ok. Yeah, that makes sense. I'll take some books written by my favourite author and try to learn from it. Thank you for the help. If you're serious about me messaging you directly to ask for advise, then I'll take you up on that and ask if I need advise.

 

[RFNasua]

Oh wow, are you still doing this? I'd like to give it a try since I just posted my first chapter, and yes, first chapters can make or break the readership. From reading your replies, I can tell you know you're knowledgeable at this. Thank you so much for even considering this.

- Chapter I: Weapon of Mass Distraction | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[IAmGuavaFruit]

Well then... Time to audition my own... I'm screwed aren't I?

Reject Humanity, Return to Monke

Ordinary day, ordinary life, that is until, I found myself getting stabbed to death by my fellow student for reasons unknown to me. Then some kind of holographic window prompting me to reincarnate appeared while I was busy drifting through the infinite darkness of the void. Of course, I pressed...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Leti]

Well then... Time to audition my own... I'm screwed aren't I?

Reject Humanity, Return to Monke

Ordinary day, ordinary life, that is until, I found myself getting stabbed to death by my fellow student for reasons unknown to me. Then some kind of holographic window prompting me to reincarnate appeared while I was busy drifting through the infinite darkness of the void. Of course, I pressed...

www.scribblehub.com

Well then... Time to audition my own... I'm screwed aren't I?

Reject Humanity, Return to Monke

Ordinary day, ordinary life, that is until, I found myself getting stabbed to death by my fellow student for reasons unknown to me. Then some kind of holographic window prompting me to reincarnate appeared while I was busy drifting through the infinite darkness of the void. Of course, I pressed...

www.scribblehub.com

Please avoid double posting if possible, thanks. You have been warned.

 

[Luxican]

Hmmm, I have a novel which I'm honestly surprised is liked.
So, I will take you up on the offer, mostly because I'm curious myself haha

Apocalypse Calling

 

[TheTrinary]

Oh wow, are you still doing this? I'd like to give it a try since I just posted my first chapter, and yes, first chapters can make or break the readership. From reading your replies, I can tell you know you're knowledgeable at this. Thank you so much for even considering this.

- Chapter I: Weapon of Mass Distraction | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I would keep reading.

There's a lot of personality and your voice is very, very strong. Really liked that. You start with an exciting enough set up that puts you right into it. I wasn't 100% sure what was going on, but you give enough away that I'm not lost or frustrated on the whole.

Really my only complaint are some janky odds and ends. The voice/ style goes a little too far here and there (but better to go too far than have too little), and some bits could have been delivered a little clearer. It's not on the shelf of your local bookstore quality, but it looks pretty good for a site like this.

 

[TheTrinary]

Well then... Time to audition my own... I'm screwed aren't I?

Reject Humanity, Return to Monke

Ordinary day, ordinary life, that is until, I found myself getting stabbed to death by my fellow student for reasons unknown to me. Then some kind of holographic window prompting me to reincarnate appeared while I was busy drifting through the infinite darkness of the void. Of course, I pressed...

www.scribblehub.com

This one is pretty borderline for me and I'm leaning to no.

So right away, I ask what is it? You have the whole portal fantasy thing, but that's not really what it is. In your case, the hook is that its a comedy. The comedy premise is that he's a monkey. K. So in a question of comedy, there is literally on one question: Do I find it funny? Nope. Not even a little. I actually find it annoying and grating.

So why do I say I'm on the fence? Because its going to work for some people. It's a fun concept and if the humor works for you, you're going to like it. It's almost worth a recommendation on that level, but ultimately, I'm evaluating these entries based on my own personal preference, and my preference is that I don't think its funny.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hmmm, I have a novel which I'm honestly surprised is liked.
So, I will take you up on the offer, mostly because I'm curious myself haha

Apocalypse Calling

Gonna be a no from me.

You start with something that I have no clue about. And then you do a "three weeks" earlier bit like older movies used to do. "Just how did we get here?" But in those movies, they would give you a zany, scary, or relatable situation and ask that question. You set up. . . . something? I have absolutely no idea what is supposed to be going on before you snap back in time. Which is weird, because why include it at all. What am I supposed to be looking forward to? What are we moving towards? I have no clue.

And from there it's mixtures of bland and vague again. I could get behind the sickness thing. Okay I get that. But I don't understand it at all. I have no idea what it is supposed to be. There's something about it that kind of works (and I think would work if everything else was a little more definite), but once again you end with. . . something? I have no clue man. There's a difference between intriguing your audience and having them ask "what is that?" and leaving them scratching their head asking "what is that?" You have to have a solid foundation to build off of and throw that kink in there to get them asking. Everything can't be nebulous.

And then there are some weird tonal issues. Once again, I don't know what you're going for here. Is it a comedy? It seems like you're being dramatic. But then one of the characters names is "Aesthma" which just reads like asthma to me. Which is an illness when you are already talking about illnesses. Is that supposed to be a joke?

I could go into more detail but I think this is enough to explain my opinion.

 

[IAmGuavaFruit]

This one is pretty borderline for me and I'm leaning to no.

So right away, I ask what is it? You have the whole portal fantasy thing, but that's not really what it is. In your case, the hook is that its a comedy. The comedy premise is that he's a monkey. K. So in a question of comedy, there is literally on one question: Do I find it funny? Nope. Not even a little. I actually find it annoying and grating.

So why do I say I'm on the fence? Because its going to work for some people. It's a fun concept and if the humor works for you, you're going to like it. It's almost worth a recommendation on that level, but ultimately, I'm evaluating these entries based on my own personal preference, and my preference is that I don't think its funny.

Oh frick, I forgot to remove the comedy tag since the fic became something else entirely in the later chapters, well anyway, appreciate the feedback and your honest opinion!

 

[Luxican]

Gonna be a no from me.

You start with something that I have no clue about. And then you do a "three weeks" earlier bit like older movies used to do. "Just how did we get here?" But in those movies, they would give you a zany, scary, or relatable situation and ask that question. You set up. . . . something? I have absolutely no idea what is supposed to be going on before you snap back in time. Which is weird, because why include it at all. What am I supposed to be looking forward to? What are we moving towards? I have no clue.

And from there it's mixtures of bland and vague again. I could get behind the sickness thing. Okay I get that. But I don't understand it at all. I have no idea what it is supposed to be. There's something about it that kind of works (and I think would work if everything else was a little more definite), but once again you end with. . . something? I have no clue man. There's a difference between intriguing your audience and having them ask "what is that?" and leaving them scratching their head asking "what is that?" You have to have a solid foundation to build off of and throw that kink in there to get them asking. Everything can't be nebulous.

And then there are some weird tonal issues. Once again, I don't know what you're going for here. Is it a comedy? It seems like you're being dramatic. But then one of the characters names is "Aesthma" which just reads like asthma to me. Which is an illness when you are already talking about illnesses. Is that supposed to be a joke?

I could go into more detail but I think this is enough to explain my opinion.

Thank you for reading it!!
That was exactly what I was thinking!!
And I was so confused that it even got readers lmao

 

[Arcanix]

I'd appreciate if you took a look at a story of mine. Thanks for doing this! :)

Black Core Summoner

He remembered that it hurt. Gaining power hurt. No one ever warns you about the pain that comes before or after. The blinding torture that racked his body for centuries was nothing compared to losing — well ... everyone. He supposed he should have known things wouldn’t work out in the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Oh frick, I forgot to remove the comedy tag since the fic became something else entirely in the later chapters, well anyway, appreciate the feedback and your honest opinion!

I didn't read the tag or the summary or anything. Just the first chapter.

The fact that it isn't a pure comedy makes it more interesting honestly.

 

[TheTrinary]

I'd appreciate if you took a look at a story of mine. Thanks for doing this! :)

Black Core Summoner

He remembered that it hurt. Gaining power hurt. No one ever warns you about the pain that comes before or after. The blinding torture that racked his body for centuries was nothing compared to losing — well ... everyone. He supposed he should have known things wouldn’t work out in the...

www.scribblehub.com

This is an interesting one to talk about because I started reading and quite liked it. Good prose, some very interesting bits. . . . but then it sort of fell apart. It was divided into several parts, and I quickly sort of lost the thread (heh). How do these things join together, what's the point? I could make some vague guesses about things here and there, but I wasn't quite sure what I was in for reading the first chapter.

It's certainly interesting though. It feels like it just needs that prologue or movie text crawl to start off and tell you what you were getting. "Long ago, some king went to some place and found something and got stuck there. And he's trying to get out but this is what's keeping him in."

I started off thinking it was going to be an obvious recommendation, but I don't know, I just lost that motivation. Maybe because it did start focusing on a larger story? Like you have me invested about this guy in his wolf and that thread just goes all over the place. It's a weird one. There's something good happening here, I'm just not sure, in totality, if its happening in the best way.

It sort of violates my rules I set out for this thread, but it's honestly the kind of story I would need to read the second chapter to have an idea if I wanted to read it.

 

[AziaElga]

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

Hello! I would love it if you would check mine out :) I welcome any kind of feedback!! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/230053/the-lightning-mage/

 

[Alkareel]

How do you survive a ruined world?

How do you survive a ruined world? With strength? Weapons? A system? A manual? ---Yeung's bus ride home didn't arrive so he decided to walk back. After two days, he arrived at his hometown, hoping for the taste of fast food and the warmth of a soft bed. What he...

www.scribblehub.com

A new story of mine with short chapters. As well as writing without trying to stress myself. Can I get a few impressions?
Much appreciation!

 

[RFNasua]

I would keep reading.

There's a lot of personality and your voice is very, very strong. Really liked that. You start with an exciting enough set up that puts you right into it. I wasn't 100% sure what was going on, but you give enough away that I'm not lost or frustrated on the whole.

Really my only complaint are some janky odds and ends. The voice/ style goes a little too far here and there (but better to go too far than have too little), and some bits could have been delivered a little clearer. It's not on the shelf of your local bookstore quality, but it looks pretty good for a site like this.

Thank you for the feedback! It's better than what I was expecting. *Sweats* Im working on toning down the voice actually and yes, it's easier to tone down the voice rather than the other way around.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello! I would love it if you would check mine out :) I welcome any kind of feedback!! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/230053/the-lightning-mage/

Gonna be a no from me.

You're chapter. . . isn't really a story is it? Like, even on their own, chapters tell a story. There is a beginning middle and end. Your first chapter is just people sitting around talking about things. It's basically just a checklist: here's our characters, here's some facts about the world.


Even within what you are doing, it's not particularly effective. I hate to bring up things like "show don't tell' because its everywhere and we all know it, but I couldn't get away from it when reading one specific part. There's a moment where one character says to the other "you're the most powerful mage ever." And its said on top of other exposition. Why not have that character actually use magic and then have another character react to that? But I digress.