The fall of the multiverse has reshaped reality under the hands of the primordial guardian Sophia, creating the new world of Jord. Join Christian Ddraig, the prince of the re-emerging nation of Avalon that now finds itself in the middle of a war between its new neighbors that threatens to...
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I hope that my story will be entertaining enough.
I've... read a different version of this before? Did you post here and then change your first chapter around?
In any case, I'm just going to compare it with the original since that makes for an easy bit of reviewing. It's better. I remember being confused and feeling it was muddled with sci-fi, high fantasy, modern stuff, etc. That's all there, but the presentation makes it all much more palatable. I think you clean things up in some places, but for now its fine and that shouldn't be your focus.
There was a starting issue with the prose, your first introductory paragraph swaps between present and past tense. It's not in the rest of the chapter (so that's good) but you should probably spend a few minutes cleaning those first few paragraphs up. The writing style beyond that is fine. I'd call it serviceable.
Story wise, I think the overarcing stuff is fine. Like, what's in the background with the war and stuff. That's all good and makes things seem important, but the story within the chapter itself is kind of lackluster. Its essentially an excuse for exposition which is not how you want to start any story out. There needs to be some exciting thing that's happening right in that moment that pulls us in.
To go along with this, there's so much exposition. The worst of which I think is in characters. I want you to go through and count just how many characters you name drop/ introduce here. Its waaaayyy too much. Just like with world building, you need to start small and build your way up.
And then my final note is your main character himself is bland and unappealing. He's a weird sheltered prince who's kind of a fan boy I guess? These things could work if put into the proper context and delivered correctly, but as is its grating. And I'll go ahead and give you some examples here. Your MC is trying to pump himself up and says something like "I am X I am regal." I am regal is a weird thing to say. No one says that. "I am important." "I am royalty." Sure. But I am "regal"? No one talks like that.
And as a second example with how he relates to other characters: when he is approaching Hector to see his parents and he is fawning over him, he asks if he can go inside the room and Hector says of course. That just doesn't work playing it completely straight because that means the MC is pathetic. Other characters look at him and think of him the same way he sees himself, there is no depth there. Instead, Hector could say "Of course, you don't have to ask me." BY doing it this way, like it is a stupid thing to ask, we establish that the Prince is in fact royalty and very powerful, even if he doesn't see himself that way. Instead of being pathetic, we can see his fault as obviousness, which is far more endearing. Hector could be dismissive and that tells us that the Prince's state of mind is being enforced by others around him who see him that way and you create adversity between them.
You are 100% correct that your characters need flaws, but they have to be presented in the right way. If you present a flaw wrong, it just makes us hate them. And that applies to any real trait a character my have. There needs to be depth and layers. But I digress.
So in Summary, the answer to this thread's question is no, I would still not read this. HOWEVER, it is an improvement from what I read last time and it actually functions as a story. It's a matter now of getting those little details right that make the reader relate to thing and make us care.
