Free First Chapter Feedback

TheTrinary

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I replied to your thread on its own last night.

Could you please give me some feedback?

Hmm this is interesting and a new sort of review for me because I like everything you have, but I don't think there is enough.

I don't get a sense of the MC and I don't get a sense of what the plot is, and I really don't know what is going on. I haven't had a medium reaction to a piece in a while, but I think this is it. It needs more of a hook.

Also, those last three sentences don't work for me. The 1st one has a tense incorrect and I'm not really sure that they work even if written correctly.

It's fine.

So first thing first, 80% of the stories I reply to on here are portal fantasy/ gamelit. Its such an oversaturated genre that I'm always looking for what separates it out. Normally the hook would be they get to go onto the fantastical journey to another world and be a video game character, but that's 80% of the stories. So what's the hook within the hook, so to say?

And that's where it loses me because I can't determine how its unique. Normally this is done by the MC's background, the writing style, the world, or maybe the system in place, but I'm not seeing any of that to excite me.

On the plus side, I really really liked your reason why people were being ferried to another world. That was genuinely clever and very interesting from a world building perspective.

And then on the negative side, your characters didn't quite gel with me. Everyone felt pretty caricature-y
 

G1onny_Rog3rs

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It's fine.

So first thing first, 80% of the stories I reply to on here are portal fantasy/ gamelit. Its such an oversaturated genre that I'm always looking for what separates it out. Normally the hook would be they get to go onto the fantastical journey to another world and be a video game character, but that's 80% of the stories. So what's the hook within the hook, so to say?

And that's where it loses me because I can't determine how its unique. Normally this is done by the MC's background, the writing style, the world, or maybe the system in place, but I'm not seeing any of that to excite me.

On the plus side, I really really liked your reason why people were being ferried to another world. That was genuinely clever and very interesting from a world building perspective.

And then on the negative side, your characters didn't quite gel with me. Everyone felt pretty caricature-y

Honestly that's what I was going for so if it's generic and generally cliché or campy I have succeeded in the first chapter. The only twist I have is the main character's indifferent attitude being hidden under a façade of acting heroic and treating everything like a game. and the definition of 'saving the world'.
 

TheTrinary

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Honestly that's what I was going for so if it's generic and generally cliché or campy I have succeeded in the first chapter. The only twist I have is the main character's indifferent attitude being hidden under a façade of acting heroic and treating everything like a game. and the definition of 'saving the world'.
As long as it's what you want to make, that's what's important.

But I would argue that you can make something both good and generic.
 

Niuniax

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Hi, since I saw your thread and you post feedback here as a reply, I'd like your opinion. Hense, I have no idea what you like or don't like :)

Circle Star Adventure. The Ever Blooming Flower.

Story is written in first person perspective with male lead. Some people have asked me already, but there's no gore, slavery or any explicit stuff in the book. Story is not finished yet. See what you think.
 

TheTrinary

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Hi, since I saw your thread and you post feedback here as a reply, I'd like your opinion. Hense, I have no idea what you like or don't like :)

Circle Star Adventure. The Ever Blooming Flower.

Story is written in first person perspective with male lead. Some people have asked me already, but there's no gore, slavery or any explicit stuff in the book. Story is not finished yet. See what you think.
I think you are the first person to use first person perspective appropriately since I started this thread (at least for a long time), so thank you for that. Buy while we're on style, your choice to use n-dashes instead of quotation marks to denote speech was really really jarring, and I've never seen that before. Why man? Just use quotation marks.

Okay. So in terms of hook and story, I had a bit of an issue at the start as you have a character waking up in a strange new place. However, you actually surprised me with that later when you establish that he is in fact from this world and he literally just woke up on some other place. Or some variant of that. Its weird and justifies the cliché beginning.

Your main character is a pervert, and that is really his only personality trait. There seems to be a hint of brashness there as well? But I couldn't identify anything else that really worked for me. Similarly, the inn keeper character stood out as a caricature. I could believe him as a real person. In fact, he was so completely jarring that it took me out of the story.

And finally, this is smut. Reading it, I thought this is perverted, but then I read the description and I thought, "Oh, this is smut." It's the sort of thing I would normally not put my stamp of approval on unless I thought it was really, really well done. Even then, I would then judge something like this as "If you're into it." So the question becomes, would I recommend it to a certain group of people?

The answer is no, for a few reasons. Despite some clever little tidbits, the characters and world are paper thin with what you've set up. And then the main premise seems to be: all women are sex slaves for men. That's pretty damn disgusting. If THAT'S your premise, you have to nail just about every other aspect of your storytelling, which is something you have not done. I need some guarantee that there is going to be some nuance and its not going to be 100% morally depraved.

I'm sure it will have some people who like it for obvious reasons regardless of quality, but this is a big ole No from me.
 

Niuniax

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I think you are the first person to use first person perspective appropriately since I started this thread (at least for a long time), so thank you for that. Buy while we're on style, your choice to use n-dashes instead of quotation marks to denote speech was really really jarring, and I've never seen that before. Why man? Just use quotation marks.

Okay. So in terms of hook and story, I had a bit of an issue at the start as you have a character waking up in a strange new place. However, you actually surprised me with that later when you establish that he is in fact from this world and he literally just woke up on some other place. Or some variant of that. Its weird and justifies the cliché beginning.

Your main character is a pervert, and that is really his only personality trait. There seems to be a hint of brashness there as well? But I couldn't identify anything else that really worked for me. Similarly, the inn keeper character stood out as a caricature. I could believe him as a real person. In fact, he was so completely jarring that it took me out of the story.

And finally, this is smut. Reading it, I thought this is perverted, but then I read the description and I thought, "Oh, this is smut." It's the sort of thing I would normally not put my stamp of approval on unless I thought it was really, really well done. Even then, I would then judge something like this as "If you're into it." So the question becomes, would I recommend it to a certain group of people?

The answer is no, for a few reasons. Despite some clever little tidbits, the characters and world are paper thin with what you've set up. And then the main premise seems to be: all women are sex slaves for men. That's pretty damn disgusting. If THAT'S your premise, you have to nail just about every other aspect of your storytelling, which is something you have not done. I need some guarantee that there is going to be some nuance and its not going to be 100% morally depraved.

I'm sure it will have some people who like it for obvious reasons regardless of quality, but this is a big ole No from me.
Thanks for your feedback. My following comments are not to attack you, just to explain few points from my perspective.
Regarding the character being from the same world but in a different place - he is not from the same world. Maybe I will edit the beginning to make it clearer. Although later in the story it becomes evident he is not.

Italic VS commas for his own thoughts. I used commas before and I had so much hate from people who said it was so difficult to read. I discussed it with other writers (not from SH) and majority agreed that using Italic was the best choice.

One thing I don't understand is what does 'smut' stand for, lol. It's a new jargon for me. From what you said it is something similar to perverted?
But the main thing I found and your comments confirmed it, people are too 'hooked' on the sex slave aspect. I don't know, maybe they secretly want it to be true. Of course, I can understand why people might think that way, considering we are living on planet Earth. However, I purposely stated in my first comment, that there is no sex slaves, rape or any of that sort of stuff in the book.

Interesting fact - I have my book on other sites as well (and it is written in commas instead of italic) and scribblehub is the only place where I got people commenting about the sex slave aspect :D (of course, after reading only the first few chapters.)

Also, I find it interesting when somebody calls a hetero man, who loves women, a pervert but being 'gay' is a norm these days. Of course I am mixing real world with the fantasy story myself now, haha. On a side note, how does a man describe a woman he 'fell in love from first sight' (or any girl who's totally sexy) without being called a pervert?

All in all, I appreciate your feedback. I mean, you read only the first chapter and made an opinion about it, be it rather wrong opinion about the whole story, which I am happy about.
 

TheTrinary

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Thanks for your feedback. My following comments are not to attack you, just to explain few points from my perspective.
Regarding the character being from the same world but in a different place - he is not from the same world. Maybe I will edit the beginning to make it clearer. Although later in the story it becomes evident he is not.

Italic VS commas for his own thoughts. I used commas before and I had so much hate from people who said it was so difficult to read. I discussed it with other writers (not from SH) and majority agreed that using Italic was the best choice.

One thing I don't understand is what does 'smut' stand for, lol. It's a new jargon for me. From what you said it is something similar to perverted?
But the main thing I found and your comments confirmed it, people are too 'hooked' on the sex slave aspect. I don't know, maybe they secretly want it to be true. Of course, I can understand why people might think that way, considering we are living on planet Earth. However, I purposely stated in my first comment, that there is no sex slaves, rape or any of that sort of stuff in the book.

Interesting fact - I have my book on other sites as well (and it is written in commas instead of italic) and scribblehub is the only place where I got people commenting about the sex slave aspect :D (of course, after reading only the first few chapters.)

Also, I find it interesting when somebody calls a hetero man, who loves women, a pervert but being 'gay' is a norm these days. Of course I am mixing real world with the fantasy story myself now, haha. On a side note, how does a man describe a woman he 'fell in love from first sight' (or any girl who's totally sexy) without being called a pervert?

All in all, I appreciate your feedback. I mean, you read only the first chapter and made an opinion about it, be it rather wrong opinion about the whole story, which I am happy about.
Yea I kind of got that he was from a different world based on the description, but he mentions there being elves in his world. As long as it's not Earth -> fantasy world, that's a pretty good idea.

Italics are a great way to deal with thoughts. Not the only way, but for the love of God don't use commas.

You pretty much got the context of smut from context I think. Just another word for obscene. Like, if you put a porno in front of someone, they'll still enjoy it, but they'll also be embarrassed by it. Something can be smutty and good. There are tons of movies (*cough* Sleepaway Camp 2) and stuff that's written as well. The comic book Gantz comes to mind.

He's not a pervert because he "fell in love" at first sight. He's a pervert because all he cares about are the boobs and the butts. "I'm in love" as you solely focus on their tits isn't genuine. That's being a pervert. Also, the only thing you talk about in terms of his personality is him ogling women. Being a pervert is explicitly his only personality trait.

And the whole "not a slavery thing/ rape thing". You can call it whatever you want, but that's what it is. You literally call the men "masters". That's a slave word. It reminds me of the videogame Xenoblade 2. Call it what you want. It's still off putting as hell. And like I said before, when you approach something that off putting with no nuance. . . eww. Just eww.
 

Niuniax

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Fair enough. Like I said, I didn't who you are or what is your preference for books, so me asking for your opinion was sort of throwing a dart at the spinning wheel.
I personally hated Gantz. I didn't finish watching it, due to people being constantly killed.
And if a word Master implies only slavery for you, then that's the way it is.
 

TheTrinary

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Fair enough. Like I said, I didn't who you are or what is your preference for books, so me asking for your opinion was sort of throwing a dart at the spinning wheel.
I personally hated Gantz. I didn't finish watching it, due to people being constantly killed.
And if a word Master implies only slavery for you, then that's the way it is.
Yea, I watched like half an episode just to see after reading it and it was kind of awful. Wouldn't recommend it. But to be fair, lot people die in the original.
 

NEC899

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Would be grateful for any feedback at all! Thanks!
 

TheTrinary

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Would be grateful for any feedback at all! Thanks!
So there's two parts to this.

It's based on something so I don't know how much of the world building is you and how much isn't. Because I quite liked the world and you included just enough information to make it feel fleshed out and alive without bogging it down in the details. If you came up with all that stuff on a lot on your own, kudos.

But then the uniquely you stuff is where I start to have problems. Like, your first paragraph is riddled with errors. You change tenses. You start off by referring to "the" man without establishing him. "A" man would be more appropriate. And then you have redundancies like "sighed sadly". Yeah, we got that. So there's a lot of stuff like that were the writing is pretty weak.

I do think the overall prose and presentation improved when you switched to first person (which I liked, you handled that well and its nice to see that swap being handled well). But then that has its own issues, because the character was very. . . odd. Like he'd kept calling people meanies, but then would say something (can't remember off the top of my head) and that would really throw it off, because the character's voice would swap between being a 4 year old and a 30 year old. Really weird choices.

Outside of the writing and the MC, I liked the other stuff well enough. You don't get right into it, but there's enough of an umpf with the story telling to get us going, and I liked your writing of the fisher guy.

So really, I think it just comes down to presentation. I'd say it's average? Yeah, I'd say your story is in the average range. That isn't good enough for me, but I have no connection to the source material. As its fanfiction, there might be something here for fans to latch onto that I'm just not.

So it's a no from me. But a pretty alright no.
 

NEC899

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I haven't had a ton of critical feedback so this will help me a lot. The fandom I'm taking some content from is Naruto but the exact region I put my OC in was never fleshed out so I had to come up with a lot of the specific story elements. Also, the 4 yr old to 40 yr old speech is what I wanted. To show how mature the kid is because he only had older adults as friends growing up. But now gotta go back and make some corrections! Thanks again!
 

BenJepheneT

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@TheTrinary just here to say you're genuinely the only person here that STILL sticks to the "first chapter feedback" thread despite it being more than two weeks old at this point

Kudos, man. Have a follow.
 

MadmanRB

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Is this still a thing?
If so:

Project TBX: The Teknabunnies - Project TBX: The Teknabunnies Episode 1 | Scribble Hub

I am writing a story for the younger folks here, an action superhero themed series featuring an alien world populated by humanoid rabbits because.

Note: this story is more episodic as opposed to chapter driven, if characters appear bare-bones it's because the first "chapter" is more of a first episode and the characters will become more dynamic over time.
 

SeaSquidfish

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Normally I can't tell what is wrong with double comment posting in a thread. After all, one can make a comment to another person, and separate the next comment to comment on another different person's reply. Or even one subject and then going onto another subject, so long as it relates same thread.

However @Businesssn...i can see why those rules happen. Thus, I summon... @AliceShiki
 

TheTrinary

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Is this still a thing?
If so:

Project TBX: The Teknabunnies - Project TBX: The Teknabunnies Episode 1 | Scribble Hub

I am writing a story for the younger folks here, an action superhero themed series featuring an alien world populated by humanoid rabbits because.

Note: this story is more episodic as opposed to chapter driven, if characters appear bare-bones it's because the first "chapter" is more of a first episode and the characters will become more dynamic over time.
Okay I've read through it, and in a rare first, I'm actually going to need clarification on just who this is for before I can offer meaningful feedback. What age range is your audience? Just what do you consider "the younger folks".
 

MadmanRB

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Well probably ages 10-14 or so as after that comes the teen romance novels, keep in mind this would be a cartoon series on the lines of Avatar the last airbender or a comic book if I could draw LOL!
But I can't, so it's a story (for now) one day hope to have it a comic and a cartoon in the future but for now this will do.
I know I use one or two big words for this age range, but I am working with the tools I got
 
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AliceShiki

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Normally I can't tell what is wrong with double comment posting in a thread. After all, one can make a comment to another person, and separate the next comment to comment on another different person's reply. Or even one subject and then going onto another subject, so long as it relates same thread.

However @Businesssn...i can see why those rules happen. Thus, I summon... @AliceShiki
It basically clutters the thread with a bunch of posts made by the same user in a row for no reason. It just makes things easier for everyone if you reply to everyone in the same post.
 
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