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TheTrinary

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Again and again I come back from the dead.
Would not keep reading

I take it you are going for comedy here and I always preface that by saying "comedy is subjective." Did I find it funny? No, so it doesn't work for me.

Past that though, I'd like to do a slightly deeper dive in that I have to ask: where are the jokes? What is supposed to be funny. The only whimsical elements here are the auction thing (which is kind of cute) and the meta elements. Where are the jokes? Do other people see meta nods and think it's inherently funny? I'm not sure I get it.
 
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DarklyReadsBooks

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Again and again I come back from the dead.

Would not keep reading

I take it you are going for comedy here and I always preface that by saying "comedy is subjective." Did I find it funny? No, so it doesn't work for me.

Past that though, I'd like to do a slightly deeper dive in that I have to ask: where are the jokes? What is supposed to be funny. The only whimsical elements here are the auction thing (which is kind of cute) and the meta elements. Where are the jokes? Do other people see meta nods and think it's inherently funny? I'm not sure I get it.
Welcome back from death, thanks for the feedback, I'll continue writing but I'll try to work on what you said
 

Not_A_Symphony

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So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/

And no I won't be making a worst of the worst list.
I just found out about this thread so I thought I might give it a go!
Here is my link: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/257927-the-heroine-is-a-villainess/chapter/257930/
Happy reading :blobtaco:
 

wildan1197_

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Oh! An opportunity!

I am always curious about my new readers, which I noticed in my stats, many of which always stop at the first chapter of my series. I don't know if it's because they feel cheated with the tag (I put the tag in advance while the story is concerned is still far away) or because my grammar is bad (English is my second language) or something. Maybe you can give me some input.

Thank you in advance.
 

AM-ACE-ING

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Because I was super bored, I decided to just write a random chapter so it'll probably be very shitty
I was originally gonna add like a second part with the other character's POV but it was gonna be too long so
(for some reason I feel like I'm on r/roastme)
 

Rudia_Estelle

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I am a newbie at writing and this is also my first time writing a novel so I seriously need to know how am I doing. Please give me some feedback TT I will be very grateful
 

TheTrinary

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I just found out about this thread so I thought I might give it a go!
Here is my link: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/257927-the-heroine-is-a-villainess/chapter/257930/
Happy reading :blobtaco:
I feel very medium about this one. I'm not sure which way to go with it.

So it's something we've seen before, and we've seen a lot of it. Maybe it's just a really fun power fantasy, but the ground hog day reincarnation is popular. And this is where my compliments come in, because their first chapters are always the same. They are weak in the same way, and they are pretty dull.

You establish a very clear reason why she needs to change her future and it's effective. Instead of just stopping at the reincarnation, you keep going and establish an actual use of the reincarnation and indulge in that power fantasy. Normally the chapter ends with the rebirth or completely ignores the first life altogether.

Negatives: It's a little bloated. As much as I like you showing the after, you almost show too much of it. We get brief descriptions of multiple lifetimes and I almost feel like that is too much. You can establish that more efficiently or even have that be a gotcha at the end of the chapter where you think she's on her first life but she's done like like six times and she's a pro. I just think it drives the focus away from the current timeline and what's happening. It instills this idea that we can restart at any time and this is just another run.

And then its moderately gross. You have the rape and abuse and really that's a fine line to walk and you're right in the middle of it. When I say you establish stakes, this was part of that. Like, I get it. But at the same time when you are going to include this you have to do it really well. I don't think your writing is amazing and that does give it the veneer of exploitation. And part of the problem is a lot of weaker writings use these elements as a shortcut not treating them for what they are. So even if I do think you use it appropriately, your writing is just a bit on that side which makes me think of those writers.

After writing it all out and having thought about it. I'll give it a thumbs up, at least for people who are fans of this genre. It's much better than the average execution of this work and there's a lot of potential there.

EDIT: Also formatting. Please double space your paragraphs.
Oh! An opportunity!

I am always curious about my new readers, which I noticed in my stats, many of which always stop at the first chapter of my series. I don't know if it's because they feel cheated with the tag (I put the tag in advance while the story is concerned is still far away) or because my grammar is bad (English is my second language) or something. Maybe you can give me some input.

Thank you in advance.
I would read one more chapter to see.

So your chapter 1 is short and sweet and exists to hammer home one point, the hook of your story. All we find out is your hook, but that is actually fine because you kept it short and had a fun playful tone. It's fun enough to have me turn the page and see what your actual story telling looks like.

I would add that I don't think there's anything clever enough here to justify the entire length. Once you have the phrase "there's no magic here," everything past that feels like fluff. You've established what you need to and it's just redundant at this point.

Because I was super bored, I decided to just write a random chapter so it'll probably be very shitty
I was originally gonna add like a second part with the other character's POV but it was gonna be too long so
(for some reason I feel like I'm on r/roastme)
Would not keep reading.

Once again, another story that is very common and a pretty typical first chapter for that story. It's. . . I guess I won't feel bad calling it low effort based on your request. It feels like a first draft and the only thing that sets it apart is the kind of random adhd perspective. . . which I found annoying.

Some of the ways you chose to write things were confusing. I don't like any of the characters. And I like I said it's a very common story. And the only thing it has going for it* is that "lol, so random kind of humor" Which is very grating to me unless done super well.

So yeah. I'd like to think my thread in general isn't a roast but this one post. . . . Well. . . .
 
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Not_A_Symphony

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I feel very medium about this one. I'm not sure which way to go with it.

After writing it all out and having thought about it. I'll give it a thumbs up, at least for people who are fans of this genre. It's much better than the average execution of this work and there's a lot of potential there.
So firstly, I'm happy to know I got the thumbs up and I am super grateful for your feedback! It makes me glad to be able to receive this type of criticism to improve my work! :blob_sir:

Regarding the past lives: The MC has time looped 9 times, so that is a lot of years to go by and so I decided to just approach her past gradually in order to avoid delivering too much information to the reader. So for eg: only when an assassin appears, I begin to explain a little bit of her 2nd life, and so on. Of course, I intend to approach all her lives clearly but I'm doing it gradually since the novel itself will have several volumes, however, I will take your advice into account on the chapters I am currently writing and see if I can make it clearer to the reader in terms of her past, and time frame! Do you think adding dates would improve? Or even writing more about her lives overall?
Oh, and since it is a time loop, this is kind of like Re: Zero, all her lives were different since she addressed them differently that's why I think it might be too much info straight away! :blob_melt:

Regarding the "heavy parts": I added these more gore parts (with the rape, abuse, and others) in order to create her "villainess" character, I wasn't using it as a shortcut whatsoever but I would love to know if you have any suggestions of improving! In other words, what didn't you enjoy? Was it the lack of details? The dialogue between the characters? [If you don't mind answering of course! I'm just being stubborn because I want to get better at writing but it's alright if you don't wish to answer!] :blob_nom:

Thank you for the feedback once again! :blobtaco:
[I will review the chapters before I begin the 2nd volume and I will get to those formatting details! :blobspearpeek: ]
 

TheTrinary

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So firstly, I'm happy to know I got the thumbs up and I am super grateful for your feedback! It makes me glad to be able to receive this type of criticism to improve my work! :blob_sir:

Regarding the past lives: The MC has time looped 9 times, so that is a lot of years to go by and so I decided to just approach her past gradually in order to avoid delivering too much information to the reader. So for eg: only when an assassin appears, I begin to explain a little bit of her 2nd life, and so on. Of course, I intend to approach all her lives clearly but I'm doing it gradually since the novel itself will have several volumes, however, I will take your advice into account on the chapters I am currently writing and see if I can make it clearer to the reader in terms of her past, and time frame! Do you think adding dates would improve? Or even writing more about her lives overall?
Oh, and since it is a time loop, this is kind of like Re: Zero, all her lives were different since she addressed them differently that's why I think it might be too much info straight away! :blob_melt:

Regarding the "heavy parts": I added these more gore parts (with the rape, abuse, and others) in order to create her "villainess" character, I wasn't using it as a shortcut whatsoever but I would love to know if you have any suggestions of improving! In other words, what didn't you enjoy? Was it the lack of details? The dialogue between the characters? [If you don't mind answering of course! I'm just being stubborn because I want to get better at writing but it's alright if you don't wish to answer!] :blob_nom:

Thank you for the feedback once again! :blobtaco:
[I will review the chapters before I begin the 2nd volume and I will get to those formatting details! :blobspearpeek: ]
Ugh I feel like my two critiques got taken the complete opposite way.

For the past lives, I don't want to see any of it in the first chapter. I said acknowledge that it happened but keep any details just out of it because it distracts from the current timeline which is what we need to be invested in.

In terms of the heavy parts, it was a matter of the prejudice going in and your overall level of prose more or less looking like writers who do it poorly. I think you got the concept done correctly, I just wanted to appear more above board.
 
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:blob_aww::blob_aww::s_smile:
 

Not_A_Symphony

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Ugh I feel like my two critiques got taken the complete opposite way.

For the past lives, I don't want to see any of it in the first chapter. I said acknowledge that it happened but keep any details just out of it because it distracts from the current timeline which is what we need to be invested in.

In terms of the heavy parts, it was a matter of the prejudice going in and your overall level of prose more or less looking like writers who do it poorly. I think you got the concept done correctly, I just wanted to appear more above board.
Oh! Now I get it! Sorry for misunderstanding what you said, sometimes language barriers are tough especially since I was very sleepy yesterday when I replied (my brain was only at 50% of power) :ROFLMAO:

Yeah, I understand what you mean now. I guess my first chapter is a little bit like a "prologue" sort of (in a way that provides a little bit of information on her lives).

Regarding the heavy parts, I do mention them lightly in the first chapter but further down in the novel, everything becomes more explicit and I throw a "flashback" to her most traumatizing moments and such (I basically time loop back and forth in the story). But since you only read the 1st chapter it makes sense that you feel like it is something said very "lightly" you know?

Either way, thank you very much for your critiques! When I do the review of the first volume of my novel I will take all of these into account and change whatever might be necessary! Once again, thank you very much! I'm very thankful for your insights/critics! :blobtaco:
 

Herz

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I guess you can try mine as well.

Although, I am not really sure if the first chapter can spark your interest. The first survival game in my story starts from chapter 3/4.
 

TheTrinary

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I am a newbie at writing and this is also my first time writing a novel so I seriously need to know how am I doing. Please give me some feedback TT I will be very grateful
Would not keep reading.

To repeat myself often, it's something we've seen a lot before. So I'm looking for something to be well done or have something unique. In your case the writing is rough and it's just a full chapter of someone observing things as a baby. Not a single exciting thing.

But I don't think it fails in premise; I think you could make this fun. The entire power fantasy of this kind of thing is having more knowledge than you should. For a baby, that could be really fun. Have some small plot about him doing something or intervening in something that seems innocuous to the people around him, but is actually an attempt to affect things. Like maybe he knocks something over or cries to interrupt someone, or anything really.

As is, it's just the description of what it's like to be a baby.
Oh! Now I get it! Sorry for misunderstanding what you said, sometimes language barriers are tough especially since I was very sleepy yesterday when I replied (my brain was only at 50% of power) :ROFLMAO:

Yeah, I understand what you mean now. I guess my first chapter is a little bit like a "prologue" sort of (in a way that provides a little bit of information on her lives).

Regarding the heavy parts, I do mention them lightly in the first chapter but further down in the novel, everything becomes more explicit and I throw a "flashback" to her most traumatizing moments and such (I basically time loop back and forth in the story). But since you only read the 1st chapter it makes sense that you feel like it is something said very "lightly" you know?

Either way, thank you very much for your critiques! When I do the review of the first volume of my novel I will take all of these into account and change whatever might be necessary! Once again, thank you very much! I'm very thankful for your insights/critics! :blobtaco:
yeahhhh. Parts of it had a prologue-y feel.
 

TheTrinary

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:blob_aww::blob_aww::s_smile:
Would not keep reading.

Just yesterday, I wrote in this thread about the difference between using dark elements effectively vs. using them in an exploitative manner. We are solidly in the second category. There is no depth, no nuance, it's just a laundry list of shocking things for the sake of being shocking.

Your start reminds me of Berserk. You start with this sex scene that turns bloody and for these types of stories, I actually like that. It's what I call a litmus test. You put that right up front to let your audience know what it's going to be about and weed out people not into it. Unlike Berserk, your second page was a litmus test, and your third, and your fourth, and every page after that.

You should treat this stuff as you would traditional horror. You need build up and release. If every bloody page is Nc-17 smut, then you aren't writing a story you are writing smut. You desperately need restraint. Before you put something in your story ask: Why is this here? If the only answer you have is that it's shocking, then you done f'ed up. Grim dark functions when the shock and horror are a natural part of the world, not when they are slathered on top like a heart attack's worth of butter on a half a piece of stale bread.

And on top of all this, the writing is weak. You make almost every mistake there is to make except verb tense. You swap POVs at random. You have typos and errors. You use wrong words. You mess up spelling. You split ideas. It's all there. And that adds to the veneer of exploitation.

In a first, I'm going to ask you not to keep writing this. You need to start with something easier to write and more your, uh, maturity level. Practice your fundamentals.
I guess you can try mine as well.

Although, I am not really sure if the first chapter can spark your interest. The first survival game in my story starts from chapter 3/4.
Would not keep reading.

I actually really like the structure. Normally you establish the character in their life and then kill them with these sorts of things, but you do the opposite and it works.

On the other hand, I don't find either half compelling. The death portion was a bunch of waxing poetically about nonsense. It looks really nice, but the ideas there were just nonsense. On one hand you have the narrator telling you about all the mysteries about death that you can't possibly know. But also he explains the process of dying in extreme detail. He doesn't know how long it takes to walk down the dark tunnel. . . that he just did and is describing?

And then the second half is just kind of empty (heh). You tell us things about the MC but you don't do it in an interesting way. In fact as I write this, I think the problem is that the two halves DON'T go together. We know he's dead, he knows he's dead. So this whole mystery and the build up to a "new start" is pointless, because we already know all this.

I think it COULD work really, really well though. You just need to flip the structure once again. A double flip! Have him start off in the room and put together an exciting mystery. Every clue he finds about his life slowly leads him to the conclusion that he is dead. And then the finale would be him remembering it.

It wouldn't be exciting conceptually, but you could present it in a cool way and if you nail the character and the mystery buildup, that would make for an engaging first chapter by virtue of flair alone.

Something to think about.
 
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Alkareel

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Is this still up? Can I ask for a first chapter feedback for Erden? :blob_evil_two:
 

Herz

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Would not keep reading.

I actually really like the structure. Normally you establish the character in their life and then kill them with these sorts of things, but you do the opposite and it works.

On the other hand, I don't find either half compelling. The death portion was a bunch of waxing poetically about nonsense. It looks really nice, but the ideas there were just nonsense. On one hand you have the narrator telling you about all the mysteries about death that you can't possibly know. But also he explains the process of dying in extreme detail. He doesn't know how long it takes to walk down the dark tunnel. . . that he just did and is describing?

And then the second half is just kind of empty (heh). You tell us things about the MC but you don't do it in an interesting way. In fact as I write this, I think the problem is that the two halves DON'T go together. We know he's dead, he knows he's dead. So this whole mystery and the build up to a "new start" is pointless, because we already know all this.

I think it COULD work really, really well though. You just need to flip the structure once again. A double flip! Have him start off in the room and put together an exciting mystery. Every clue he finds about his life slowly leads him to the conclusion that he is dead. And then the finale would be him remembering it.

It wouldn't be exciting conceptually, but you could present it in a cool way and if you nail the character and the mystery buildup, that would make for an engaging first chapter by virtue of flair alone.

Something to think about.
Thank you very much for the analysis and the suggestion. I do agree that there is a certain disparity between the beginning and the rest of the chapter. Of course, with it being not very exciting as well. Perhaps, chapter one should have been a prologue.

The idea of slowly remembering his life while exploring is nice and worth to be contemplated!

The establishment of my character is done more directly in the second game via a peek in his life in the form of a dream (chapters 10-11). Before that, I rely mostly on narrative to introduce him to the readers.

PS: I reread your post, and had some things to clarify. (Sorry, when I first replied I had to go out and was in a hurry.)
Therefore, I decided to edit and included this post scriptum.
We know he's dead, he knows he's dead. So this whole mystery and the build up to a "new start" is pointless, because we already know all this.
I think I have to clarify something here. There is meaning to this because he knows he is dead. He is dead. He should be able to, yet he can't start a new life. Therefore, in order to earn back his rights, he agrees to proceed with this crooked journey. You can think of this as a long ride with many stops in the middle, but the final destination is actually the first point from which he has to proceed forward. Sorry, if I make no sense to you. The point of the Fool is not to be mysterious. It just symbolizes a beginning, a journey, innocence, and naivety. The Fool's journey is a spiritual journey full of obstacles, it isn't equal to the start of a new life.

I like the idea of starting from the room, but he can enter this space only because he agreed to enter the Path of Life. Otherwise, he would have already disappeared. This chapter really shouldn't have been labeled as chapter one. It really is more of a prologue, because the real journey starts from the moment he gets the Tarot card, which is literally the last thing in the chapter.
 
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TheTrinary

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I think I have to clarify something here. There is meaning to this because he knows he is dead. He is dead. He should be able to, yet he can't start a new life. Therefore, in order to earn back his rights, he agrees to proceed with this crooked journey. You can think of this as a long ride with many stops in the middle, but the final destination is actually the first point from which he has to proceed forward. Sorry, if I make no sense to you. The point of the Fool is not to be mysterious. It just symbolizes a beginning, a journey, innocence, and naivety. The Fool's journey is a spiritual journey full of obstacles, it isn't equal to the start of a new life.

I like the idea of starting from the room, but he can enter this space only because he agreed to enter the Path of Life. Otherwise, he would have already disappeared. This chapter really shouldn't have been labeled as chapter one. It really is more of a prologue, because the real journey starts from the moment he gets the Tarot card, which is literally the last thing in the chapter.
Some of that is moderately there, and the core idea for the story is the same thing as something I'm writing. I think it's just a matter of clarity. How is what he is doing different from being alive? What would that new life look like? What is the overall game?

I think it's a case of things being more clear in your head than it is for the reader. The way the death scene is written in particular, it seems like it's a glitch. The office doesn't seem like part of a game or anything, but a Lynchian metaphysical hell. The Tarot card kind of doubles down on that with just how abstract and thematic it is.

I didn't think of it this way before, but going full Lynchian would also be a fascinating way to take this chapter.
Is this still up? Can I ask for a first chapter feedback for Erden? :blob_evil_two:
Would not keep reading.

Two points. First, nothing really happens. The kid walks around and talks to people and they give him information, but we end the chapter exactly where we start. We're given something to look forward to, and there is some mystique about that, but we don't know enough to really form an opinion.

I would summarize it as "He's going to go to a ceremony, and it's not going to work how he thinks it will. . . for some reason." There's something you could do with that, because when he went to his dad after his mom to ask about it, that was a really cute moment. I thought he was going to go to his brother next and then we'd have three different stories lying to him.

I honestly can't even give any advice what would work, because I have no idea what you're going for. A fattened pig scenario seems the most interesting, but I'm not sure you're setting that up. Hard to say.

And then the second issue is the writing. The prose has some mistakes and more than that some confusion elements. Your use of internal monologue was strange but I guess I got use to it. And then the characters were the biggest thing. They mostly felt odd. Why is everyone calling him 'little commander'? That's goofy and weird. Why is his mom giving him the thumbs up at completely inappropriate time? That's as anachronistic as it's absurd.

I'd say make the characters feel less stiff and tip your hand a bit more. We need more about this ceremony.
 
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EddieSeb

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Hey, I'm wondering what you think of my first chapter?
It may not be something you like as it's a slice of life/romance but let me know if you decide to critique it! :)
 

Alkareel

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Your use of internal monologue was strange but I guess I got use to it.
The thing I'm going for utilizing the use of a hyphen monologue is that whenever the hyphen appears, you'll immediately know it's the main character's internal monologue.
They mostly felt odd. Why is everyone calling him 'little commander'? That's goofy and weird
Everyone's calling him that, meaning, everyone recognizes him as that.
Why is his mom giving him the thumbs up at completely inappropriate time? That's as anachronistic as it's absurd.
I'm setting the mother up as eccentric.
I'd say make the characters feel less stiff and tip your hand a bit more. We need more about this ceremony.
Herein lies my issue. My first chapter is the introductory part of a small three-act structure, where I've introduced my character, his personality, and a few points of what's to come. And continues on to chapter 4 (three-act but cut into four parts lol)
I've lowered my word count to around 1000 per chapter to pace it but if readers really are extremely critical to the first chapter, should I just combine the first four chapters into one, you think?
 
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