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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
Rating: Would not keep reading.

Overall:


This type of novel is in the weird place where I can't even judge it on its own. I've read the exact same start to a story so many times. In which case I ask two questions: What's unique about it, or is it very well written.

Unique: Not really. I mean, you move. By the end of the first chapter we are much further along than I thought we'd be. But also we're a bunch of adisperate things. It's not reall a reincarnation story, we're overly concerned with magic. It's not very focused and seems to undercut some of its own ideas.

Writing: Once again, not really. It's fine, don't get me wrong. But there isn't that mark of quality that makes me think I can just curl up get lost in the words.

It's fine. It might even play well on a site like this that caters to the exact style of work that you're writing. It's just not for me and honestly, if it attracts someone else it's probably going to be random chance picking to read yours vs the hundreds of others.
 

Dearest_Violet

Active member
Joined
Dec 15, 2022
Messages
60
Points
33
Rating: Would not keep reading.

Overall:


This type of novel is in the weird place where I can't even judge it on its own. I've read the exact same start to a story so many times. In which case I ask two questions: What's unique about it, or is it very well written.

Unique: Not really. I mean, you move. By the end of the first chapter we are much further along than I thought we'd be. But also we're a bunch of adisperate things. It's not reall a reincarnation story, we're overly concerned with magic. It's not very focused and seems to undercut some of its own ideas.

Writing: Once again, not really. It's fine, don't get me wrong. But there isn't that mark of quality that makes me think I can just curl up get lost in the words.

It's fine. It might even play well on a site like this that caters to the exact style of work that you're writing. It's just not for me and honestly, if it attracts someone else it's probably going to be random chance picking to read yours vs the hundreds of others.
Thank you very much for your feedback! I appreciate your time!
 

RedRIcecake

New member
Joined
Mar 4, 2023
Messages
3
Points
3
I've read several pages of your reviews and you seem to be an extremely competent critic that gives valuable input on an author's first chapter. I would be happy, and will extremely appreciate if you could also take a look at my webnovel.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/707836/monster-hunter-system-echoes/

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like there's something lacking in that's not hooking the readers. In my defense, I have just started and the good intense parts haven't come in yet, but... overall, I just want to know that I'm not wasting my time writing this fiction.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
974
Points
133
Hello! I'm new to writing and web-novels in general. If you have the time, I would greatly appreciate it if you could give my story some feedback!

Rose Stem be (Not) Brittle - Chapter 1
Rating: Middle of the Road so Would Not Keep Reading.

The Good:


It's generally humerous.

You caught my attention at times with some of the potential routes it could take. At the point where they're saying he could turn into a woman I thought: "You don't see that a lot in web novels, you think that'd be popular."

Honestly You've Only Got One Real Problem

It could be punched up in many ways, but if you're looking for things that could outright use improvement: the length. More specifically the amount of words you use to establish a point. You could chop two pages off of the seven you've written here and not lose anything. Everything feels elongated and meandering.

Excercise time. Here's your first page. Let's look at what we need and what we don't.


"It's bright. My eyes shut reflexively, unable to endure the searing glare. I'm absolutely exhausted, like I've just ran a marathon after scaling a mountain I had to reach by swimming across the Atlantic. My head's spinning and I've got a strong urge to vomit, which isn't helped by the nauseating smell of ozone that permeates the air all around me. Good descriptive start.

"By Sunder—sire, look!" I make out a wizened sounding voice through the fog in my brain. So I'm highlighting what can be cut in red. What does this add? If we start with the final line about the "Summoning veil", then you lose nothing because all this sentence does it establish that there is a speaker.

He's answered by a stern rumble, and it takes me a second to realize that's someone's voice and not the sound of the earth quaking. "...Complications in the..." Is about all I can catch in my beleaguered state. You establish that 1) The voice is a person and not an earthquake which the reade knows and 2) The MC is tired which we know. Cut this without exception, it offers nothing.

A heated discussion breaks out between them judging from the rhythm of their voices, but I'm too tired and out of sorts to care enough to pay any attention to it. Eventually there's a lull in the conversation, and just when I'm about to drift off to blissful slumber a powerful surge of energy courses through my body. I bolt upright on staggered feet, shielding my eyes from the world of light that surrounds me. First half gets us nothing. There is no foundation to understand the argument so it means nothign to us. The second half I've highlighted in orange because there is a kernel of something workable here if you rephrase or incorporate it elsewhere. It establishes that communication is unclear and they fix it. We'll just say orange means weak.

"W-who's there!?" My voice comes out rough and ragged as I stumble about blind. "Where am I?!" We know he's out of sorts, but it's also normal for him to voice his confusion. There are better ways to convey this. It would normally be orange, but see my next note for why I'm marking it delete

"Ah! Please, stay where you are!" The aged voice responds, his tone petulant. "You're liable to injure yourself if you move out too far!"

"Don't tell me what I can—AARGH!!" My arm brushes up against something scalding hot and I jump back screaming. "WHAT IS THIS!?" Like here. He is establishing that he doesn't know what is going on and voices it in a way that is active. It's also redundant. If you delete the above, this just works.

"You're currently being contained by the summoning veil," the same voice hastily explains, "it's merely a temporary measure for your protection!"

As a counterpoint: I'll include what my version looks like. Ask yourself, is there anything in this version that is lost.

It's bright. My eyes shut reflexively, unable to endure the searing glare. I'm absolutely exhausted, like I've just ran a marathon after scaling a mountain I had to reach by swimming across the Atlantic. My head's spinning and I've got a strong urge to vomit, which isn't helped by the nauseating smell of ozone that permeates the air all around me.

"You're currently being contaied by the summoning veil," the same voice hastily explains. "It's merely a temporary masure your protection."

I hear the voice but I can only make out vague, scratchy shapes in my vision. I try to speak but the sound is garbled.

"Complications in the-" It's a second new voice, but the sound is cutting out.

A powerful surge of energy courses through my body. I bolt upright on staggered feet, shielding my eyes from the world of light that surrounds me

My vision is clear now, but I have to crane my neck up to meet his gaze. The man's huge—easily close to seven feet tall if not taller—and has a build to match. The elaborate surcoat and mantle he's wearing seem almost unable to contain him all. In contrast, the expression on his rugged face is gentle, almost remorseful. A hint of a smile tugs on his lips as he speaks to me that doesn't quite reach his somber blue eyes. The man's sheer presence is so overwhelming that it actually takes me a moment to think of what I want to say to him. I moved a later paragraph here because it's weird for them to be conversing without visuals described.

"Ah! Please, stay where you are!" The aged voice responds, his tone petulant. "You're liable to injure yourself if you move out too far!"

"Don't tell me what I can—AARGH!!" My arm brushes up against something scalding hot and I jump back screaming. "WHAT IS THIS!?"

"Ulgen, for goodness sake, lower the opacity!" The deep voice orders, clearly irritated. There's a sound like steam whistling from a kettle and soon the blinding light begins to dim, revealing two dark figures standing in an unfamiliar chamber not unlike some medieval castle keep. The larger of the two approaches, his regal bearing evident as he steps closer into the light. "Hello. I... don't suppose you recognize me?" Once again, moved this from before. Makes way more sense directly juxtaposed to the above.

"Oh, obviously!" I snarl as I nurse my burnt elbow. "Who the hell are you and what the hell is a 'summoning veil'!?" And on we go, organizing things a bit more logically.


Let's compare with me ignoring the parts I pulled from later:

Your version that I initially quoted was 276 words- about 1 page.

My version of your words (with one addition) was 193.

As a ratio, you lost 30% just on the editing which is a big problem. Imagine that for every two pages you read, the third page is something you've already read, but you're forced to read it. Inefficiency in story telling is the single most important factor for creating active readres and creating enjoyment at this level of writing.

OVERALL

Just see the above.
I've read several pages of your reviews and you seem to be an extremely competent critic that gives valuable input on an author's first chapter. I would be happy, and will extremely appreciate if you could also take a look at my webnovel.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/707836/monster-hunter-system-echoes/

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like there's something lacking in that's not hooking the readers. In my defense, I have just started and the good intense parts haven't come in yet, but... overall, I just want to know that I'm not wasting my time writing this fiction.
You can butter me up all you like but you'll never fit me in a toaster.

Rating: Would not keep reading.

I guess I'm in an editing mood, let's just do that:

1) Your first two paragraphs are a nightmare.

Tears blurred my vision when I first woke in my bedroom early morning that felt strangely out of place. This is modifying morning, that's what it's next to. It's apparently modifying bedroom. Also, he just woke up, the default interpretation from the reader is that it's morning so just cut it, dont' even bother rewriting. Whatever I was dreaming about last night had been a horrible nightmare, enough to leave me a sloppy mess. Still, it was nothing compared to where I h⁸ad woken up. You already devoted a sentence to saying he woke up in his bedroom. This adds nothing.

This room used to be my bedroom ten years ago before the Era of Dungeon Break began. So you start talking about the bedroom, then it transitions to the dream, now with this paragraph, you're back to talking about the bedroom. We've lost all logical flow. Either I’m still dreaming, or I’ve died and gone to heaven about to see my little brother and mother again, who didn’t make it on that day.

Your first two paragraphs should look like this (or some equivilancy):

Whatever I was dreaming about last night had been a horrible nightmare, enough to leave me a sloppy mess. Still, it was nothing compared to where I h⁸ad woken up. This room used to be my bedroom ten years ago before the Era of Dungeon Break began. Either I’m still dreaming, or I’ve died and gone to heaven about to see my little brother and mother again, who didn’t make it on that day.

Even reduced down to the active words, it's not a killer opening.


2) My jaw dropped to my chest and my hands started to tremble upon the realization that last night’s dream was no dream. Weird juxtaposition again. You break up the paragraph about dreams with an RPG text box. This appears to be about that until it loops back around making it feel non-sequitor.

3) Wait. What about Mom?

I finally let Benjamin go and asked him, “Mom. Where is Mom?”


And so on. There are a lot of little places we could pick apart, but mostly this was just a reaction to the first two paragraphs which read so bizarre.

OVERALL:

I actually think the first half is very good. There's this strong insistance on emotion and I'll even say I don't think I've seen this set up before where loved ones come back as a side effect of the LitRPG. Cool and the writing and tone are appropriate. I'd give that a thumbs up outside of some of the writing needing polish.

The second half is rough though. You move away from the narrative format to just exposit information and that's no fun. Most of this information could be relayed actively, fed to the reader by what's going on. Like the mother/ brother are mad and he says, "No you died. There were these portals, and then. . . .

It's so much information that I wouldn't even try to put it all in one chapter. Find organic ways to spread that out.
 
Last edited:
D

Deleted member 93348

Guest
You know what? Frick it. After I’ve finished editing chapters 7-8, I guess it won’t hurt to ask some more feedback from you. I’m asking this from you because there’s no other thread for me get more feedback, and making my own will most likely lead to zero traction like last time. I’ll finish editing chapters 9-10 tomorrow, so please let me know if you’re interested.
 

NobodyAtHelm

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2022
Messages
2
Points
1
Rating: Middle of the Road so Would Not Keep Reading.

The Good:


It's generally humerous.

You caught my attention at times with some of the potential routes it could take. At the point where they're saying he could turn into a woman I thought: "You don't see that a lot in web novels, you think that'd be popular."

Honestly You've Only Got One Real Problem

It could be punched up in many ways, but if you're looking for things that could outright use improvement: the length. More specifically the amount of words you use to establish a point. You could chop two pages off of the seven you've written here and not lose anything. Everything feels elongated and meandering.

Excercise time. Here's your first page. Let's look at what we need and what we don't.


"It's bright. My eyes shut reflexively, unable to endure the searing glare. I'm absolutely exhausted, like I've just ran a marathon after scaling a mountain I had to reach by swimming across the Atlantic. My head's spinning and I've got a strong urge to vomit, which isn't helped by the nauseating smell of ozone that permeates the air all around me. Good descriptive start.

"By Sunder—sire, look!" I make out a wizened sounding voice through the fog in my brain. So I'm highlighting what can be cut in red. What does this add? If we start with the final line about the "Summoning veil", then you lose nothing because all this sentence does it establish that there is a speaker.

He's answered by a stern rumble, and it takes me a second to realize that's someone's voice and not the sound of the earth quaking. "...Complications in the..." Is about all I can catch in my beleaguered state. You establish that 1) The voice is a person and not an earthquake which the reade knows and 2) The MC is tired which we know. Cut this without exception, it offers nothing.

A heated discussion breaks out between them judging from the rhythm of their voices, but I'm too tired and out of sorts to care enough to pay any attention to it. Eventually there's a lull in the conversation, and just when I'm about to drift off to blissful slumber a powerful surge of energy courses through my body. I bolt upright on staggered feet, shielding my eyes from the world of light that surrounds me. First half gets us nothing. There is no foundation to understand the argument so it means nothign to us. The second half I've highlighted in orange because there is a kernel of something workable here if you rephrase or incorporate it elsewhere. It establishes that communication is unclear and they fix it. We'll just say orange means weak.

"W-who's there!?" My voice comes out rough and ragged as I stumble about blind. "Where am I?!" We know he's out of sorts, but it's also normal for him to voice his confusion. There are better ways to convey this. It would normally be orange, but see my next note for why I'm marking it delete

"Ah! Please, stay where you are!" The aged voice responds, his tone petulant. "You're liable to injure yourself if you move out too far!"

"Don't tell me what I can—AARGH!!" My arm brushes up against something scalding hot and I jump back screaming. "WHAT IS THIS!?" Like here. He is establishing that he doesn't know what is going on and voices it in a way that is active. It's also redundant. If you delete the above, this just works.

"You're currently being contained by the summoning veil," the same voice hastily explains, "it's merely a temporary measure for your protection!"

As a counterpoint: I'll include what my version looks like. Ask yourself, is there anything in this version that is lost.

It's bright. My eyes shut reflexively, unable to endure the searing glare. I'm absolutely exhausted, like I've just ran a marathon after scaling a mountain I had to reach by swimming across the Atlantic. My head's spinning and I've got a strong urge to vomit, which isn't helped by the nauseating smell of ozone that permeates the air all around me.

"You're currently being contaied by the summoning veil," the same voice hastily explains. "It's merely a temporary masure your protection."

I hear the voice but I can only make out vague, scratchy shapes in my vision. I try to speak but the sound is garbled.

"Complications in the-" It's a second new voice, but the sound is cutting out.

A powerful surge of energy courses through my body. I bolt upright on staggered feet, shielding my eyes from the world of light that surrounds me

My vision is clear now, but I have to crane my neck up to meet his gaze. The man's huge—easily close to seven feet tall if not taller—and has a build to match. The elaborate surcoat and mantle he's wearing seem almost unable to contain him all. In contrast, the expression on his rugged face is gentle, almost remorseful. A hint of a smile tugs on his lips as he speaks to me that doesn't quite reach his somber blue eyes. The man's sheer presence is so overwhelming that it actually takes me a moment to think of what I want to say to him. I moved a later paragraph here because it's weird for them to be conversing without visuals described.

"Ah! Please, stay where you are!" The aged voice responds, his tone petulant. "You're liable to injure yourself if you move out too far!"

"Don't tell me what I can—AARGH!!" My arm brushes up against something scalding hot and I jump back screaming. "WHAT IS THIS!?"

"Ulgen, for goodness sake, lower the opacity!" The deep voice orders, clearly irritated. There's a sound like steam whistling from a kettle and soon the blinding light begins to dim, revealing two dark figures standing in an unfamiliar chamber not unlike some medieval castle keep. The larger of the two approaches, his regal bearing evident as he steps closer into the light. "Hello. I... don't suppose you recognize me?" Once again, moved this from before. Makes way more sense directly juxtaposed to the above.

"Oh, obviously!" I snarl as I nurse my burnt elbow. "Who the hell are you and what the hell is a 'summoning veil'!?" And on we go, organizing things a bit more logically.


Let's compare with me ignoring the parts I pulled from later:

Your version that I initially quoted was 276 words- about 1 page.

My version of your words (with one addition) was 193.

As a ratio, you lost 30% just on the editing which is a big problem. Imagine that for every two pages you read, the third page is something you've already read, but you're forced to read it. Inefficiency in story telling is the single most important factor for creating active readres and creating enjoyment at this level of writing.

OVERALL

Just see the above.

You can butter me up all you like but you'll never fit me in a toaster.

Rating: Would not keep reading.

I guess I'm in an editing mood, let's just do that:

1) Your first two paragraphs are a nightmare.

Tears blurred my vision when I first woke in my bedroom early morning that felt strangely out of place. This is modifying morning, that's what it's next to. It's apparently modifying bedroom. Also, he just woke up, the default interpretation from the reader is that it's morning so just cut it, dont' even bother rewriting. Whatever I was dreaming about last night had been a horrible nightmare, enough to leave me a sloppy mess. Still, it was nothing compared to where I h⁸ad woken up. You already devoted a sentence to saying he woke up in his bedroom. This adds nothing.

This room used to be my bedroom ten years ago before the Era of Dungeon Break began. So you start talking about the bedroom, then it transitions to the dream, now with this paragraph, you're back to talking about the bedroom. We've lost all logical flow. Either I’m still dreaming, or I’ve died and gone to heaven about to see my little brother and mother again, who didn’t make it on that day.

Your first two paragraphs should look like this (or some equivilancy):

Whatever I was dreaming about last night had been a horrible nightmare, enough to leave me a sloppy mess. Still, it was nothing compared to where I h⁸ad woken up. This room used to be my bedroom ten years ago before the Era of Dungeon Break began. Either I’m still dreaming, or I’ve died and gone to heaven about to see my little brother and mother again, who didn’t make it on that day.

Even reduced down to the active words, it's not a killer opening.


2) My jaw dropped to my chest and my hands started to tremble upon the realization that last night’s dream was no dream. Weird juxtaposition again. You break up the paragraph about dreams with an RPG text box. This appears to be about that until it loops back around making it feel non-sequitor.

3) Wait. What about Mom?

I finally let Benjamin go and asked him, “Mom. Where is Mom?”


And so on. There are a lot of little places we could pick apart, but mostly this was just a reaction to the first two paragraphs which read so bizarre.

OVERALL:

I actually think the first half is very good. There's this strong insistance on emotion and I'll even say I don't think I've seen this set up before where loved ones come back as a side effect of the LitRPG. Cool and the writing and tone are appropriate. I'd give that a thumbs up outside of some of the writing needing polish.

The second half is rough though. You move away from the narrative format to just exposit information and that's no fun. Most of this information could be relayed actively, fed to the reader by what's going on. Like the mother/ brother are mad and he says, "No you died. There were these portals, and then. . . .

It's so much information that I wouldn't even try to put it all in one chapter. Find organic ways to spread that out.
Thank you very much for the critique! It's embarrassing to admit, but I hadn't even thought of paring things down for the readers' engagement in the way you laid out like this. I'll have to take a hacksaw to this thing when I find the time.
 

RedRIcecake

New member
Joined
Mar 4, 2023
Messages
3
Points
3
Rating: Middle of the Road so Would Not Keep Reading.

The Good:


It's generally humerous.

You caught my attention at times with some of the potential routes it could take. At the point where they're saying he could turn into a woman I thought: "You don't see that a lot in web novels, you think that'd be popular."

Honestly You've Only Got One Real Problem

It could be punched up in many ways, but if you're looking for things that could outright use improvement: the length. More specifically the amount of words you use to establish a point. You could chop two pages off of the seven you've written here and not lose anything. Everything feels elongated and meandering.

Excercise time. Here's your first page. Let's look at what we need and what we don't.


"It's bright. My eyes shut reflexively, unable to endure the searing glare. I'm absolutely exhausted, like I've just ran a marathon after scaling a mountain I had to reach by swimming across the Atlantic. My head's spinning and I've got a strong urge to vomit, which isn't helped by the nauseating smell of ozone that permeates the air all around me. Good descriptive start.

"By Sunder—sire, look!" I make out a wizened sounding voice through the fog in my brain. So I'm highlighting what can be cut in red. What does this add? If we start with the final line about the "Summoning veil", then you lose nothing because all this sentence does it establish that there is a speaker.

He's answered by a stern rumble, and it takes me a second to realize that's someone's voice and not the sound of the earth quaking. "...Complications in the..." Is about all I can catch in my beleaguered state. You establish that 1) The voice is a person and not an earthquake which the reade knows and 2) The MC is tired which we know. Cut this without exception, it offers nothing.

A heated discussion breaks out between them judging from the rhythm of their voices, but I'm too tired and out of sorts to care enough to pay any attention to it. Eventually there's a lull in the conversation, and just when I'm about to drift off to blissful slumber a powerful surge of energy courses through my body. I bolt upright on staggered feet, shielding my eyes from the world of light that surrounds me. First half gets us nothing. There is no foundation to understand the argument so it means nothign to us. The second half I've highlighted in orange because there is a kernel of something workable here if you rephrase or incorporate it elsewhere. It establishes that communication is unclear and they fix it. We'll just say orange means weak.

"W-who's there!?" My voice comes out rough and ragged as I stumble about blind. "Where am I?!" We know he's out of sorts, but it's also normal for him to voice his confusion. There are better ways to convey this. It would normally be orange, but see my next note for why I'm marking it delete

"Ah! Please, stay where you are!" The aged voice responds, his tone petulant. "You're liable to injure yourself if you move out too far!"

"Don't tell me what I can—AARGH!!" My arm brushes up against something scalding hot and I jump back screaming. "WHAT IS THIS!?" Like here. He is establishing that he doesn't know what is going on and voices it in a way that is active. It's also redundant. If you delete the above, this just works.

"You're currently being contained by the summoning veil," the same voice hastily explains, "it's merely a temporary measure for your protection!"

As a counterpoint: I'll include what my version looks like. Ask yourself, is there anything in this version that is lost.

It's bright. My eyes shut reflexively, unable to endure the searing glare. I'm absolutely exhausted, like I've just ran a marathon after scaling a mountain I had to reach by swimming across the Atlantic. My head's spinning and I've got a strong urge to vomit, which isn't helped by the nauseating smell of ozone that permeates the air all around me.

"You're currently being contaied by the summoning veil," the same voice hastily explains. "It's merely a temporary masure your protection."

I hear the voice but I can only make out vague, scratchy shapes in my vision. I try to speak but the sound is garbled.

"Complications in the-" It's a second new voice, but the sound is cutting out.

A powerful surge of energy courses through my body. I bolt upright on staggered feet, shielding my eyes from the world of light that surrounds me

My vision is clear now, but I have to crane my neck up to meet his gaze. The man's huge—easily close to seven feet tall if not taller—and has a build to match. The elaborate surcoat and mantle he's wearing seem almost unable to contain him all. In contrast, the expression on his rugged face is gentle, almost remorseful. A hint of a smile tugs on his lips as he speaks to me that doesn't quite reach his somber blue eyes. The man's sheer presence is so overwhelming that it actually takes me a moment to think of what I want to say to him. I moved a later paragraph here because it's weird for them to be conversing without visuals described.

"Ah! Please, stay where you are!" The aged voice responds, his tone petulant. "You're liable to injure yourself if you move out too far!"

"Don't tell me what I can—AARGH!!" My arm brushes up against something scalding hot and I jump back screaming. "WHAT IS THIS!?"

"Ulgen, for goodness sake, lower the opacity!" The deep voice orders, clearly irritated. There's a sound like steam whistling from a kettle and soon the blinding light begins to dim, revealing two dark figures standing in an unfamiliar chamber not unlike some medieval castle keep. The larger of the two approaches, his regal bearing evident as he steps closer into the light. "Hello. I... don't suppose you recognize me?" Once again, moved this from before. Makes way more sense directly juxtaposed to the above.

"Oh, obviously!" I snarl as I nurse my burnt elbow. "Who the hell are you and what the hell is a 'summoning veil'!?" And on we go, organizing things a bit more logically.


Let's compare with me ignoring the parts I pulled from later:

Your version that I initially quoted was 276 words- about 1 page.

My version of your words (with one addition) was 193.

As a ratio, you lost 30% just on the editing which is a big problem. Imagine that for every two pages you read, the third page is something you've already read, but you're forced to read it. Inefficiency in story telling is the single most important factor for creating active readres and creating enjoyment at this level of writing.

OVERALL

Just see the above.

You can butter me up all you like but you'll never fit me in a toaster.

Rating: Would not keep reading.

I guess I'm in an editing mood, let's just do that:

1) Your first two paragraphs are a nightmare.

Tears blurred my vision when I first woke in my bedroom early morning that felt strangely out of place. This is modifying morning, that's what it's next to. It's apparently modifying bedroom. Also, he just woke up, the default interpretation from the reader is that it's morning so just cut it, dont' even bother rewriting. Whatever I was dreaming about last night had been a horrible nightmare, enough to leave me a sloppy mess. Still, it was nothing compared to where I h⁸ad woken up. You already devoted a sentence to saying he woke up in his bedroom. This adds nothing.

This room used to be my bedroom ten years ago before the Era of Dungeon Break began. So you start talking about the bedroom, then it transitions to the dream, now with this paragraph, you're back to talking about the bedroom. We've lost all logical flow. Either I’m still dreaming, or I’ve died and gone to heaven about to see my little brother and mother again, who didn’t make it on that day.

Your first two paragraphs should look like this (or some equivilancy):

Whatever I was dreaming about last night had been a horrible nightmare, enough to leave me a sloppy mess. Still, it was nothing compared to where I h⁸ad woken up. This room used to be my bedroom ten years ago before the Era of Dungeon Break began. Either I’m still dreaming, or I’ve died and gone to heaven about to see my little brother and mother again, who didn’t make it on that day.

Even reduced down to the active words, it's not a killer opening.


2) My jaw dropped to my chest and my hands started to tremble upon the realization that last night’s dream was no dream. Weird juxtaposition again. You break up the paragraph about dreams with an RPG text box. This appears to be about that until it loops back around making it feel non-sequitor.

3) Wait. What about Mom?

I finally let Benjamin go and asked him, “Mom. Where is Mom?”


And so on. There are a lot of little places we could pick apart, but mostly this was just a reaction to the first two paragraphs which read so bizarre.

OVERALL:

I actually think the first half is very good. There's this strong insistance on emotion and I'll even say I don't think I've seen this set up before where loved ones come back as a side effect of the LitRPG. Cool and the writing and tone are appropriate. I'd give that a thumbs up outside of some of the writing needing polish.

The second half is rough though. You move away from the narrative format to just exposit information and that's no fun. Most of this information could be relayed actively, fed to the reader by what's going on. Like the mother/ brother are mad and he says, "No you died. There were these portals, and then. . . .

It's so much information that I wouldn't even try to put it all in one chapter. Find organic ways to spread that out.
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed. I'm gonna rewrite the first chapter when I get th3 chance.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
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You know what? Frick it. After I’ve finished editing chapters 7-8, I guess it won’t hurt to ask some more feedback from you. I’m asking this from you because there’s no other thread for me get more feedback, and making my own will most likely lead to zero traction like last time. I’ll finish editing chapters 9-10 tomorrow, so please let me know if you’re interested.
Interested in getting feedback again? That's fine. I'm finally caught up.
 
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prissi

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I recently edited the prolog and chapter 1+2. I would like to hear your opinion on the start of Claws & Wits Since the prolog is not in the POV of the main character, chapter 1 is indeed better suited.
 

Hazelarts101

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Wow! Just recently stumbled upon this thread and I would really like some feedback on my 1st chapter if you don't mind.
 

Suckah4U

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I volunteer my work as tribute (if you'd be so kind). I need to know what it looks like to someone other than me

Genre : Isekai, Fantasy (Elemental magic, European-Style Kingdoms), Mature (And possible LitRPG)
Content Warnings : Gore, Sexual Content, Strong Language (18+ STRICTLY)
Possible Tropes Inclusion
: Weak-to-Strong MC, War Arc, Comedic timing, Fantasy Racism, etc.
 

WinterTimeCrime

Aggressive-Loving Snowflake
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May 2, 2021
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You reviewed my first chapter some time ago, and I was wondering if you do second rounds. :s_wink: If the answer is yes, please take a gander.

 

RollieOwl

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Feb 13, 2021
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I figure I can toss my coins here for a chance! Let me know honestly how you think about it, I'll do my best to improve thereupon.
 

CrazyGrimReaper

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This is a short story I wrote two years ago. It was part of a series I did where I tried to write a short story every week which ranged from a word count of 1000-1500. I stopped after a month and studied writing techniques and plot structure afterward. Now, feeling more confident in writing and after a little exercise of writing flash fiction (100-300) word stories for two weeks straight every day, I feel confident to write something more substantial. I plan to write a novel but I'm still shaking off some of the rust, so I've been having fun reviewing my older work to see how much I've improved. This is the one I am most fond of and after a tiny bit of touch-ups, I think this holds up extremely well given that this was at the very start of my writing journey and I was being very experimental with poetry and old-timey whimey shiz. I would like to know if I am crazy and narcissistic or if this is genuinely interesting writing.
 

gb030104

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Time to risk my ego :s_smile: and ask you to critique mine, if you'd be so kind

Thank you
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Nov 23, 2020
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I recently edited the prolog and chapter 1+2. I would like to hear your opinion on the start of Claws & Wits Since the prolog is not in the POV of the main character, chapter 1 is indeed better suited.
Rating: Middle of the Road so would not keep reading.

Things Stephen Likes:

I liked the start well enough. There's some wonky language, and a few sentences I would edit or outright delete, but it's readable enough and it establishes the scene.

What Went Wrong:

We hit a point right after the centaur where I lost all focus. At this point onwards for the section: ""No magic? Aren't they magically created?"" So let's get into the whys here.

1) What's the chapter about? Up till now, we have clerics roaming the field for the dead. But then they stumble on to a centaur and say: Forget about that, let's go on a knowledge adventure. It seems like a detour from both what the chapter is about and what's important. Your reader can understand the imporance of saving lives, they have no intrinsic understanding of this inquery.

2) You waste some time. The next few lines add nothing:


First Joan and then Freya probed the taur. It took both of them several tries before they succeeded. But they confirmed the initial assessment.

"So, let's summarise: A somewhat stale soul, but alive, even without mana. So how do we treat her?"


3) The heck does this mean? "You want to wake her up? And then? If she wakes up, she would be an outsider forever." Freya shook her head. And from here on, we maybe get to the real core problem in that I have no idea what anyone is doing. Mana, mana, mana. Magic. They want to turn the centaur into a slave? Or something? All the technical talk could be summarized in, "Hey she's out of mana. Let's try that." You spend a lot of time just saying words.

And then the break is jarring, very jarring.
 

prissi

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Thank you. Since the thing with mana drain and waking was explained in the prolog, I guess the prolog chapter needs to be renamed to chapter 1 then.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Wow! Just recently stumbled upon this thread and I would really like some feedback on my 1st chapter if you don't mind.
Rating: Would read one more chapter.

The Good:


My decision to read one more came down to the fact that it's short and inoffensive. I got through it easily, and everythign made sense. Nothing was offensive or detered me.

What it was missing:

Glowing recommendation above, I know. Basically, you don't do much with the chapter outside of establishign the MC's relationship to Alvie. Outside of that, there is no conflict, no dynamic between your two characters that created potential for more story telling. It was a very inoffesnive set up.

Overall:

When I say inoffesnive, that's kind of what I liked. You start off with her waking up and I think great. But it's a character beat, she's studying. And then I say great again because I think it's going to be a chapter about a test, and it really isn't. You basically avoided the pitfalls I was expecting by focusing on the relationship.

Moving to the second chapter, I would be looking for some very solid reasons to keep reading or I will give it up.
Thank you. Since the thing with man drain was explained in the Prolog, I guess the prolog chapter needs to be renamed to chapter 1 then.
Mmmm, no.

First off, you're instict is right in that if the prologue has something you need to understand your story, it's not a prologue. However, the issue is how painfully simply what you're focusing on is, vs the complexity of what you don't address.

The reader understands when you say the centaur doesn't have mana. Point it out, then have another character say: "I don't think centaurs with soles like these use mana, but let's try anyway." DONE. We dont' need more than two sentences to talk about a vague fantasy thing that the reader can't relate to. Unless it's a problem with clear rules, stakes, and a clever solution, it's not entertaining.

And then establish why any of this is happening. I re-read that section twice and really don't know what they're doing with the centaur.
 
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