Free First Impressions Feedback Thread

[ManwX]

Please do me. My original puppet of twisted destiny

Redemption of the dammed

Aiden's life shatters when a meteor strikes during a routine flight with his father, leaving him lost at just 16. His scientist father, drowning in guilt, turns to a clandestine group obsessed with cloning. Their attempts succeeded but his father tried to make a run for the organization as he...

www.scribblehub.com

I just dont want to feel the emptiness of space in me novel. Me write for fun but me require some amount of feedback so i can make it better

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hey, I would appreciate such a review! Thank you very much for this!

Asleep – A LitRPG

Sariel follows his nightmares to Marshmallow Island, a secluded crater in the middle of the ocean, to find his brother once more. Nightmares become reality on the island; however, Sariel has been living with the very same nightmares for ten years. What lies at the bottom of the falls, and...

www.scribblehub.com

Title:

Pretty short and catchy, but it doesn't seem to deliver an interesting premise from the get-go.

Blurb:

Short, sharp blurb. It is a bit too vague on the premise - would prefer if it was clearer that he has been having the dreams etc. 'Nightmares' is a word that can have many many meanings to different readers, so you've alienated some readers already.

I got the sense of the book, but I can see others not getting it immediately. Be a bit more direct rather than wishy-washy.

Cover:

Great. It was the cover that got me to click on RR a few weeks, so I knew about your book from a while back.

First Chapter:

Good start, straight action scene. Problem is the tension of the scene is marred by the explanation of the System and the spirit. I don't think you need to explain it from the get-go, maybe shift explanation to further down the line. Part of the fun of litrpg/system novels is the system's working itself. You explaining it removes the desire to turn to the next page.

Your action sequence is too screenplay like, with no sense for the pacing of the fight. There's no exhilaration, no tension in the fight. Emotions somehow doesn't stand out at all. There's no thrill in the fight, no desparation.

I know its because the MC has seen this fight before - but then there's no sense of clear overpowering as well. There's no sense of dominance, which is weird when the MC has seen this a million times.

That's the feeling that is being imparted onto me as a reader.

Was the selection of a mask scenario necessary? Could the chapter not start with the fight scene and him already wearing the mask?

Overall:

Good title, ok blurb, great cover, rework first chapter.

 

[RaineAndBow]

Title:

Pretty short and catchy, but it doesn't seem to deliver an interesting premise from the get-go.

Blurb:

Short, sharp blurb. It is a bit too vague on the premise - would prefer if it was clearer that he has been having the dreams etc. 'Nightmares' is a word that can have many many meanings to different readers, so you've alienated some readers already.

I got the sense of the book, but I can see others not getting it immediately. Be a bit more direct rather than wishy-washy.

Cover:

Great. It was the cover that got me to click on RR a few weeks, so I knew about your book from a while back.

First Chapter:

Good start, straight action scene. Problem is the tension of the scene is marred by the explanation of the System and the spirit. I don't think you need to explain it from the get-go, maybe shift explanation to further down the line. Part of the fun of litrpg/system novels is the system's working itself. You explaining it removes the desire to turn to the next page.

Your action sequence is too screenplay like, with no sense for the pacing of the fight. There's no exhilaration, no tension in the fight. Emotions somehow doesn't stand out at all. There's no thrill in the fight, no desparation.

I know its because the MC has seen this fight before - but then there's no sense of clear overpowering as well. There's no sense of dominance, which is weird when the MC has seen this a million times.

That's the feeling that is being imparted onto me as a reader.

Was the selection of a mask scenario necessary? Could the chapter not start with the fight scene and him already wearing the mask?

Overall:

Good title, ok blurb, great cover, rework first chapter.

Raine here!

I wasn't aware you had already checked it out! Honestly, that made me feel pretty cool.

I agree with you on the blurb! I have reworded it no less than 10 times and I still can't get something I'm satisfied with, so I guess I'll spend a little more time on it.

Thank you for your feedback on the first chapter! I'll rework it to be a little better. The idea was that even if Sariel (The MC) could theoretically demolish the beast, being transcendence (level) one would mean nearly instant death from any mistake, so I tried to make him run around a little bit more. About the mask scenario, I agree with you completely and it feels more like an oversight now, what with it being necessary for the rest of the story and yet not very important for the direct present.

Thank you for your feedback!

 

[M.G.Driver]

Would love your feedback on my story!

Reincarnated Into Two Bodies

After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?! Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in...

www.scribblehub.com

Note: The "Prologue" chapter isn't exactly a prologue, it's just chapter 1. Back when I first started writing, I thought Prologue just means the start of the story...

I intend on renaming all my chapters someday to accommodate this. (Or should I just rename it to chapter 0 to avoid confusion for long-time readers?)

Title:

Interesting premise set up from the get go. Good job.

Blurb:

Short and direct. No issues with misunderstanding.

Cover:

Pretty good, would click if I saw.

First Chapter:

The double first person POV swap would instantly kill your story if it had a less interesting premise. In that effect, the first chapter does not really add any benefit over what you've stated in the title and the blurb. If anything, the reason why a reader would turn to the next chapter is because of the premise - not because of the writing, the description, the tension and so on.

This works very well, and if you can carry on the story well - which I think you have - then all power to you. I can forsee a lot of flaming on your first chapter if this was on Rising Stars Royal Road, sad to say. I'm not entirely sure if people would pay to read this, but then again, I've seen people pay for worse.

Based on the reviews you've been getting, it seems that your writing style has improved over time, so perhaps if you want an even stronger hook you can try rewriting the first chapter from scratch if necessary.

Otherwise, very well done on getting an interesting setting to keep people reading. Good job.

Please do me. My original puppet of twisted destiny

Redemption of the dammed

Aiden's life shatters when a meteor strikes during a routine flight with his father, leaving him lost at just 16. His scientist father, drowning in guilt, turns to a clandestine group obsessed with cloning. Their attempts succeeded but his father tried to make a run for the organization as he...

www.scribblehub.com

I just dont want to feel the emptiness of space in me novel. Me write for fun but me require some amount of feedback so i can make it better

Title:

Pretty ok, but I would not click on it.

Blurb:

Wow okay this is pretty bad. This blurb reads like the back of a 1990s book if that's what you're going for. It is super vague, and the premise doesn't make it stand out to be any more different from any other isekai. Basically, its unoriginal.

I'm not talking about reviving through cloning and mysterious artifact. Usually reasons for reincarnation don't mean shit for why people read isekais, because the reasons only get revealed much later. Most readers are not going to put in the effort - they don't want to play an escape room, they want a rollercoaster, but you're marketing it as an escape room now.

Cover:

Generic Kingdom-building cover. Does not grab attention at all. RR will not click.

First Chapter:

Dialogue is super stiff. Reads like a screenplay submitted for a pilot film at an amateur film festival. It almost feels like an A.I wrote the dialogue (grammarly overediting?)

Too many POV swaps in the first chapter - RR will lynch you publicly for that, or they'll give up at the second swap.

Dialogue lines are far too spaced out, causing jarring disconnects when reading.

Scene has not enough tension due to the POV swap continuously breaking the flow. There doesn't seem to be enough pressure on the doctor for the reader to feel anything at all.

Overall

Title meh, blurb bad, cover meh, first chapter needs rework. Of course, you're writing for fun, but unless you bought an ad on RR, this will not be able to climb rising stars barring a total overhaul.

 

[ManwX]

Title:

Interesting premise set up from the get go. Good job.

Blurb:

Short and direct. No issues with misunderstanding.

Cover:

Pretty good, would click if I saw.

First Chapter:

The double first person POV swap would instantly kill your story if it had a less interesting premise. In that effect, the first chapter does not really add any benefit over what you've stated in the title and the blurb. If anything, the reason why a reader would turn to the next chapter is because of the premise - not because of the writing, the description, the tension and so on.

This works very well, and if you can carry on the story well - which I think you have - then all power to you. I can forsee a lot of flaming on your first chapter if this was on Rising Stars Royal Road, sad to say. I'm not entirely sure if people would pay to read this, but then again, I've seen people pay for worse.

Based on the reviews you've been getting, it seems that your writing style has improved over time, so perhaps if you want an even stronger hook you can try rewriting the first chapter from scratch if necessary.

Otherwise, very well done on getting an interesting setting to keep people reading. Good job.

Title:

Pretty ok, but I would not click on it.

Blurb:

Wow okay this is pretty bad. This blurb reads like the back of a 1990s book if that's what you're going for. It is super vague, and the premise doesn't make it stand out to be any more different from any other isekai. Basically, its unoriginal.

I'm not talking about reviving through cloning and mysterious artifact. Usually reasons for reincarnation don't mean shit for why people read isekais, because the reasons only get revealed much later. Most readers are not going to put in the effort - they don't want to play an escape room, they want a rollercoaster, but you're marketing it as an escape room now.

Cover:

Generic Kingdom-building cover. Does not grab attention at all. RR will not click.

First Chapter:

Dialogue is super stiff. Reads like a screenplay submitted for a pilot film at an amateur film festival. It almost feels like an A.I wrote the dialogue (grammarly overediting?)

Too many POV swaps in the first chapter - RR will lynch you publicly for that, or they'll give up at the second swap.

Dialogue lines are far too spaced out, causing jarring disconnects when reading.

Scene has not enough tension due to the POV swap continuously breaking the flow. There doesn't seem to be enough pressure on the doctor for the reader to feel anything at all.

Overall

Title meh, blurb bad, cover meh, first chapter needs rework. Of course, you're writing for fun, but unless you bought an ad on RR, this will not be able to climb rising stars barring a total overhaul.

Interesting. No pointed that out. Ill take into consideration in my next work. Its my first time writing. I recently started for fun. Honestly this is just a hobby I'm pretty much done with revising it too many times. I don't want to do it anymore. It feels like a chore at this point. Ill try to get the small issues like spacing out when i am free.etc

The blurb is like very purposely done. I just didnt want to give too much info.

I dont know about the dialogue though. Its first time writing so yeah. Can you elaborate how they are stiff? I was trying to do a gritty feel on the dialogs.

[Scene has not enough tension due to the POV swap continuously breaking the flow. There doesn't seem to be enough pressure on the doctor for the reader to feel anything at all.)]

Umm wait isnt the story linear? Like the pov shift move it forward? i just use povs to get different perspective from different characters with a linear story. Well I tried to atleast . I disagree about the doctor part. It built it on chapter 2. But i understand your point.

Overall i tried to write as if your watching a show maybe thats the reason its all over the place. plus i hate single pov so yeah.

Anyway thanks for the check-in it out. Ill try to keep that in mind if i write another series someday. At the end of the day im just doing this to relive my stress from my internship. Ill continue and see where it goes.

 

[Bartun]

This sounds interesting. Would you mind giving my novel a try?

Link:

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess that just started her journey in the Highlands, in a faraway land. But everything falls apart when greater forces are scheming and unknown men are suddenly after her. She will have no choice but to resort to her wits, trust unexpected allies, and navigate her...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[M.G.Driver]

I dont know about the dialogue though. Its first time writing so yeah. Can you elaborate how they are stiff? I was trying to do a gritty feel on the dialogs.

Here's a part of dialogue that stood out to me.

The doctor, with a stiff yet stern expression, looked at the papers in his hand before responding.

"B-1x is a high-value asset, and we need to study him to perfect the Alpha project. I cannot give him to you. It's critical to study why the cloning project is failing and fix it. Furthermore, you have no authority over the project management."

The muscular general stared the professor down, his expression is cold and unyielding.

"How dare you," he said loudly.

"That is not your concern. I have class 1 authority over this project. You cannot tell me what to do."

With a slow pause and clear disdain in his voice, he continued,

"You are replaceable. Remember that Dr. Hector”

The doctor did not back down and stared straight back at the general.

In order to show you the difference, lets use the words u used to write the dialogue in a completely different scenario, but in a faster pace with a bit more tension. Take note specifically of the 'pace' at which you are reading it.

The factory manager, with a firm yet determined expression, stared at the papers in her hand before responding.

"Product 22 is a high value asset, and we need to study it in order to improve the assembly line. I cannot give him to you. It's critical to stu-"

"How dare you?!" The investor interrupted with a sharp retort. "I am the one funding this project, the asset belongs to me!"

"Then it is unfortunate - I have Class One authority over the project, which means I make the final call on things."

The factory manager did not budge even as the investor stepped up close to her, his face clearly pissed as he gripped his fist tightly.

"And I make the final call on your employment!" The investor spat through gritted teeth, leaning in closely. "Every member of this project is replaceable, Ms Cynia. Even you."

I tried my best to showcase how dialogue can be naturally. If you truly want to write like a show, then you have to stop describing actions and expression before the dialogue. Let the dialogue speak for itself as much as possible. Notice how dialogue can be interrupted as well to enhance conflict and tension between two characters - it is common for two humans to try to interrupt it each other in a confrontation.

You do have an interruption in your original one, but it does not flow naturally, even to a non-native english speaker like me.

As for the rest of your concerns:

1. Blurb - ok, understandable. Just know that you are actively turning readers away with it.
2. POV swaps - trad pub can do POV swaps, but urs is simply too fast. Readers don't have time to begin rooting for any character in your first chapter at all. It's not a question about lineraity of timeline - 'flow' means pacing. Pacing means 'how much time are you putting into each scene + transitions between scenes'

You said you write like a show, but you're thinking in terms of episodes whereas I'm thinking in terms of scene. Good movies stick to one character POV for a given scene. Sure, the scene may be short - 5 mins out of a 50 mins episode. But it stays consistent.

The reason why shows can do multiple povs is because they have the visual medium helping them skip the expression descriptions and scene descriptions. It makes it easier to establish it when you watch it.

For readers of novels, everytime you do a POV swap, their imagination in their heads would have to do a complete re-wipe for each new scene that you add. Thus, the more you add into your first chapter, the higher of a barrier you put on both yourself (in order to describe the scene) and the reader (in order to imagine the scene)

If you hate single pov, sure. Just know that most webnovel readers hate multiple POVs. This feedback thread is mostly gearing your chapter to sell to the lowest common denominator.

3. Pressure on the Doctor on Chapter 2
Then you have your pacing done wrong. Tension should always be placed at the forefront rather than hidden away. You never hide the good stuff behind the display cabinet, you show it front and center.

Either way, I understand you're writing for fun. But again, the feedback thread is judging story's ability to sell and get clicks. I don't think the story is bad overall, but being a writer is 50% marketing.

This sounds interesting. Would you mind giving my novel a try?

Link:

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess that just started her journey in the Highlands, in a faraway land. But everything falls apart when greater forces are scheming and unknown men are suddenly after her. She will have no choice but to resort to her wits, trust unexpected allies, and navigate her...

www.scribblehub.com

Title:

Great, would click and check blurb. Well done.

Blurb:

Too vague. Would not bother reading any further - to me, it shows the author does not know what the key selling point of the book is.

Here, try this blurb.

Luke is a young farmer who just started his journey across a desert.

But everything falls apart when greater forces are scheming and unknown men are suddenly after him.

He will have no choice but to resort to her wits, trust unexpected allies, and navigate her way through unforgiving lands to survive.
Will he be up to the task?

Yup, that's star wars.

Cover:

Would click, looks like horror genre, so im sure fans of the genre would click.

First Chapter:

Very very good first chapter. Tension is immediately applied and keeps the readers reading, emotional rapport is already built with Nina. The grey moral zone is also well depicted by the young raider who was shouted down by his peers, very nice touch.

I think a little bit of dialogue would have amped up the tension a lot more, but as it is it is very good.

Overall

Title Good, Blurb meh, Cover good, first chapter very good.

As for selling it, it depends on how much you can write and how far you can take the story. The story seems very character-driven, which is the biggest selling point most novels bank on. Writing speed is the major killer for most aspiring writers - usually it comes down to a failure to write more than 2k words a day and so on.

 

[melchi]

Sense Driver was subjected to my thoughts on ceres I figured it is only fair to allow the reverse.

Magical Girl? I’m not sure about this.

A manly guy get chosen by a pink bird to become a magical girl. It is heavily inspired by games like trance female fantasy, monster girl island, and magical camp. Note: The only place this is posted is Scribblehub, if it shows up somewhere else it has been stolen.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[HelloHound]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

please be gentle :>

 

[Wingman404]

give me no mercy.
Here is it
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/736995/totally-not-a-isekai-story/

 

[M.G.Driver]

Sense Driver was subjected to my thoughts on ceres I figured it is only fair to allow the reverse.

Magical Girl? I’m not sure about this.

A manly guy get chosen by a pink bird to become a magical girl. It is heavily inspired by games like trance female fantasy, monster girl island, and magical camp. Note: The only place this is posted is Scribblehub, if it shows up somewhere else it has been stolen.

www.scribblehub.com

No, your thoughts were fine. I was noob then, I have learnt my lesson, senpai.

Title:

Brilliant, 10/10. Straight to the point.

Blurb:

Even better, set up the direct premise and existing conflicts in a split second. Being able to explain your story in a single line is a gift.

Cover:

Must every pink bird be a flamingo in a 'magical' girl world? /s

Could have a lot more flourish though, maybe try to A.I some different poses or rotate covers to get more clicks.

First Chapter:

Because of the amazing title and blurb, the excitement/curiosity of the reader is held throughout the entire chapter. Comedy genre thrives by dwelling longer on seemingly mundane scenarios and making them more ridiculous through hyper specifics, which you managed to acheive throughout.

Title Good, Blurb Great, Cover okay, First Chapter Great.

I'm not sure how far the premise can be carried in terms of long-term selling, but you got 45 chapters down so it seems like a long-term plan is already in place. If you had uploaded it to Royal Road during the magical girl subgenre craze you might have a large following due to the satire nature.

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

please be gentle :>

Okay, I'll be gentle.

Title:

Weird choice, might get some curious readers to click to figure out the premise. So I guess it works?

Blurb:

Very interesting, well done. (I'm not taking the A/N into account)

Cover:

Okay, with stable diffusion being available, there's no reason to have this cover. Plenty of tutorials online on how to use it and get out a unique style of your own with inpainting and so on.

First Chapter:

The mystery is the tension that drives the reader to read more, and it worked really well in your first chapter - but not because of writing style or dialogue or characterization. It is because of simple lack of information that makes readers curious to find out the twist, so good on you.

However, if a publisher saw this, it would not inspire confidence in them the longevity of the story, as it is unknown whether after the twist there would be an engaging story. But this can be easily proven by posting on RR and climbing up Rising Stars.

Overall:

Title, weird but workable. Blurb, very good. Cover, meh. First Chapter good to okay.

P.S The length of your first chapter would instantly kill about a good quarter of the Royal Road Reader base. I personally know many avid readers who would not waste their time with stories that only have 1k or less words per chapter.

give me no mercy.
Here is it
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/736995/totally-not-a-isekai-story/

Ok, no mercy it is.

Title:

The title seems to imply comedy and satire, so pretty good so far. Lack of capitalization would kill you instantly on Royal Road though, but its fine because they automatically put all titles in all caps when it shows up on latest updates. It would kill you on your landing page, however.

Blurb:

Ok this screams terrible due to the lack of punctuation and inability to do proper pacing of sentences as well as flow of dialogue. The lack of capitalization as well as formatting means instant death. If the author can't explain the story in coherent sentences/phrases it's basically over before your story even began.

Cover:

Good lord. How can anyone read that font? Yellow on yellow? Why? Make a cover with more contrast - google movie posters and try to pick out how they catch the eyes of the person. Be analytical of how other people are succeeding around you.

Also, lack of character focus implies multiple POV, which is also death on RoyalRoad.

First Chapter:

Okay, remember, you asked for no mercy.

1. Number of Characters introduced - Hiro, Obi Natsumi, Hitoshi, Yui, Sakura, Akira, unnamed male kouhai who is the target of envy of both Natsumi and Akira.

That's errr, that's a power rangers lineup there. Very fast paced. Are you trying to compete with Tolkien's first chapter in a LN style? I remember when light novels were supposed to be light, not introduce seven characters in less than 3k words.

Stick to three characters max. And if the character is insignificant (Hitoshi) there's no point naming him.

2. Writing Style (Description) - Absolutely terrible. You oscillate between too much information to not enough information within a single chapter maybe four times. Remember, your job is to make sure the reader can see a similar scene to what you see in your head (I assume you can visualize in your head, if you can't, please understand that its a metaphor)

The phrases used are extremely repetitive - it shows a lack of reading of other novels. The repetition of phrases used makes the entire flow of the chapter read like a staccato, with each repetition making the reader wonder 'huh, again?'

If you don't have time to read other novels, you don't have the tools to write.

3. Writing Style (Dialogue) - The dialogue is screenplay style, there's no sense of fluidity because of the rampant expressions put right behind or before every dialogue. Let the dialogue speak for itself, there's no need to put 'he said', 'she shrugged', 'she said' for every single line of dialogue.

The dialogue itself should already embody the emotions of the speaker.

4. Pacing - Zero tension, zero motivation to read the next chapter, zero curiousity. Even avid fans of the isekai genre would not find a single thing unique about your first chapter to prompt them to keep reading. In fact, the readers would also give up, considering that the author shows a clear tendency to drag his feet on.

You need to ask yourself - what is the main allure of isekai? Is it the prelude to the transportation? Or is it after the transportation?

And before you reply with "But I want to show character relations prior to their isekai", the answer is no you don't have to.

There's always multiple sides of an isekai genre that an author can exploit:
- The past of the characters
- The past of the new world
- The future of the characters and their influence in the new world.

These are the three main driving factors of Isekai curiousity and tension. With your first chapter (and your second chapter which I've read to ensure this problem continues further down) you've effectively eliminated 33% of what makes an isekai exciting.

Take for example TBATE (The Beginning after the End). The unique premise is due to the fact that the MC was not from Earth, but from another whole ass different universe with an unknown past. That drives even more mystery, allowing the author to keep the story going.

Overall:

Title, meh. Blurb, terrible. Cover, add contrast please, use stable diffusion or something. First Chapter, really really bad and in need of an overhaul.

Again, this feedback thread is solely for 'can your novel get clicks and sell?'. The answer to yours is a definite No.

But if you're writing for fun? Seems pretty good so far. Like the chill vibes and the slice of life school stuff.

 

[Zinless]

The double first person POV swap would instantly kill your story if it had a less interesting premise. In that effect, the first chapter does not really add any benefit over what you've stated in the title and the blurb. If anything, the reason why a reader would turn to the next chapter is because of the premise - not because of the writing, the description, the tension and so on.

This works very well, and if you can carry on the story well - which I think you have - then all power to you. I can forsee a lot of flaming on your first chapter if this was on Rising Stars Royal Road, sad to say. I'm not entirely sure if people would pay to read this, but then again, I've seen people pay for worse.

Based on the reviews you've been getting, it seems that your writing style has improved over time, so perhaps if you want an even stronger hook you can try rewriting the first chapter from scratch if necessary.

Otherwise, very well done on getting an interesting setting to keep people reading. Good job.

Thanks for your feedback! I'm glad the title/synopsis and especially the cover seems interesting!

I will take your feedback on the first chapter and see how I can improve it alongside my other chapters!

 

[Bartun]

Here's a part of dialogue that stood out to me.


In order to show you the difference, lets use the words u used to write the dialogue in a completely different scenario, but in a faster pace with a bit more tension. Take note specifically of the 'pace' at which you are reading it.



I tried my best to showcase how dialogue can be naturally. If you truly want to write like a show, then you have to stop describing actions and expression before the dialogue. Let the dialogue speak for itself as much as possible. Notice how dialogue can be interrupted as well to enhance conflict and tension between two characters - it is common for two humans to try to interrupt it each other in a confrontation.

You do have an interruption in your original one, but it does not flow naturally, even to a non-native english speaker like me.

As for the rest of your concerns:

1. Blurb - ok, understandable. Just know that you are actively turning readers away with it.
2. POV swaps - trad pub can do POV swaps, but urs is simply too fast. Readers don't have time to begin rooting for any character in your first chapter at all. It's not a question about lineraity of timeline - 'flow' means pacing. Pacing means 'how much time are you putting into each scene + transitions between scenes'

You said you write like a show, but you're thinking in terms of episodes whereas I'm thinking in terms of scene. Good movies stick to one character POV for a given scene. Sure, the scene may be short - 5 mins out of a 50 mins episode. But it stays consistent.

The reason why shows can do multiple povs is because they have the visual medium helping them skip the expression descriptions and scene descriptions. It makes it easier to establish it when you watch it.

For readers of novels, everytime you do a POV swap, their imagination in their heads would have to do a complete re-wipe for each new scene that you add. Thus, the more you add into your first chapter, the higher of a barrier you put on both yourself (in order to describe the scene) and the reader (in order to imagine the scene)

If you hate single pov, sure. Just know that most webnovel readers hate multiple POVs. This feedback thread is mostly gearing your chapter to sell to the lowest common denominator.

3. Pressure on the Doctor on Chapter 2
Then you have your pacing done wrong. Tension should always be placed at the forefront rather than hidden away. You never hide the good stuff behind the display cabinet, you show it front and center.

Either way, I understand you're writing for fun. But again, the feedback thread is judging story's ability to sell and get clicks. I don't think the story is bad overall, but being a writer is 50% marketing.

Title:

Great, would click and check blurb. Well done.

Blurb:

Too vague. Would not bother reading any further - to me, it shows the author does not know what the key selling point of the book is.

Here, try this blurb.

Yup, that's star wars.

Cover:

Would click, looks like horror genre, so im sure fans of the genre would click.

First Chapter:

Very very good first chapter. Tension is immediately applied and keeps the readers reading, emotional rapport is already built with Nina. The grey moral zone is also well depicted by the young raider who was shouted down by his peers, very nice touch.

I think a little bit of dialogue would have amped up the tension a lot more, but as it is it is very good.

Overall

Title Good, Blurb meh, Cover good, first chapter very good.

As for selling it, it depends on how much you can write and how far you can take the story. The story seems very character-driven, which is the biggest selling point most novels bank on. Writing speed is the major killer for most aspiring writers - usually it comes down to a failure to write more than 2k words a day and so on.

Thank you so much! I need to change my blurb then!

 

[Seseal]

Okay... I've steeled my heart! (Note, the prologue is an afterthought since I assume most people skip it anyways.)

The Saint Likes Me, But I’m Screwed…

 

[M.G.Driver]

Okay... I've steeled my heart! (Note, the prologue is an afterthought since I assume most people skip it anyways.)

The Saint Likes Me, But I’m Screwed…

Don't worry I read both the prologue and chapter 1

Title:

Intriguing title, easy to get into. Very varying definitions of what 'screwed' means, but otherwise it fuels the curiosity of the readers.

Blurb:

What catches is the ordinary aspect of the main character, which is good for self-insert readers. They make up the bulk of fantasy readers so you got a good grasp.

But the following two sentences are a bit wishy-washy. You should probably summarize this in a nicer more direct way.

Cover:

Great. Hits all the right spot for anyone into anime and into JP, CN, KR light novels. Well done.

First Chapter:

I'm going to ignore the prologue, which is an info dump. I can see you already posted on RoyalRoad, so I bet you can roughly gauge how different the audiences are on both websites.

ScribbleHub is more lenient on writing style, dialogue and pacing, but generally is not the main money maker for most novelist planning to go full time or to earn sizeable side cash. Cases that make money from scribblehub are very rare.

As such, I will be judging your first chapter based on RoyalRoad standards.

Steel your heart.

1. Pacing of first chapter.

So we have four 'dividers' which represents different a total of five different scenes. RoyalRoad readers hate it when there's more than one scene. Having two scenes is pushing it a lot. Is some of the scenes critical to the reader? Is it paramount to the reader that he reads the conversation between Noel and Alum at the start? Will not reading it make him unable to understand the plot or the story?

If you say 'the readers need to know that they are friends', you can easily show that post-transportation rather than pre-transportation. There is a reason for doing so as well.

The main draw of Isekai is not the character relationships they have before the portal or before they were transported over - it is the new world itself.

I said this before in another feedback post, but there are three selling points of isekais that work really well.

1. Past of the main characters and his group
2. Past of the new world
3. Future of the new world when the main character intervene.

With half of the chapter dedicated to the pre-transportation part, you effectively lost your first selling point as a subject of mystery. Readers will not be intrigued to find out what the past of the MC and characters are, or how did they act on Earth etc.

Good example is TBATE and So I'm a Spider, So What? where the background of the characters that were isekaied and their relationships were points of curiousity.

2. Dialogue

Dialogue is pretty good, the flow is natural and feels like a proper conversation, so good on that part.

3. Writing Style

It is clear that you lack a lot of experience in describing emotions, expressions, attitudes and scenery. I think this has probably improved over time, but the only way to fix this is to read more and use more metaphors. It is good to be direct, but on RoyalRoad, people love to read stuff with a bit more 'flair'. Not too much, but enough to get the imagination going.

I'm not asking for flowery language in every single sentence, but some things do deserve a bit more description to drive home the tension of the post transportation.

Here's an example.

He watched, everyone had gathered in a clump, and Emely desperately held onto him.


He could understand why now.


| ……. |


Massive creatures surrounded them. Even his instincts were telling him it was bad news, and very bad news at that.

How did the massive creatures look like? Bipedal? Millipedes? Eldritch? How imposing were they? Any features of them that sparked danger? Or was it a big fluffy jigglypuff, with big ass anime eyes?

This shows a clear failure : you don't know how to use descriptions to drive emotions and feelings.

Describing things can invoke a lot of emotions in readers, and build reactions to it without you having to describe how the characters reacted to it. The best way to do this is to imagine yourself in the scenario, and never miss a single detail.

A bead of sweat trickled down Emely's face as she held onto Alum, her hands trembling? Put that in.

Alum's heart palpitated as his eyes met with the huge ass jigglypuff with big fucking anime eyes staring deep into his soul, pinning him down mentally? Put that in.

The lack of flair kills you hard in RR.

Of course, if its ScribbleHub, its fine here.

4. Method of Internal Dialogue.

I never really said this to anyone else in this thread so far, but using | ... | for internal dialogue kills every text to speech user immediately, as well as your dividers. I would seriously consider changing to italics, especially if you want to eventually sell the story as an audiobook (e.g make your life easier for the future)


Overall:

Title good, blurb good, cover great, first chapter lacking.

I think the ratings on RoyalRoad you have gotten shows how tough the crowd is, but if you can survive that, that's where the money is.

Remember, this feedback thread is to purely sell your novel. I noticed a few spelling mistakes as well as severe lack of punctuation, but this feedback thread is not for that - i think other threads got that covered.

The biggest mistake you made so far on RoyalRoad? Not putting LitRPG tag or LitRPG in your title.

 

[Seseal]

Don't worry I read both the prologue and chapter 1

Oh... then you probably noticed the difference in quality since I wrote the prologue much later.... to be honest, I found that more expressive than the first chapter now that I go back to it

Intriguing title, easy to get into. Very varying definitions of what 'screwed' means, but otherwise it fuels the curiosity of the readers.

Hehehe, well, indeed, I tried to make it sound as comedic as possible to bait some people(I'm sort of a troll)

What catches is the ordinary aspect of the main character, which is good for self-insert readers. They make up the bulk of fantasy readers so you got a good grasp.

But the following two sentences are a bit wishy-washy. You should probably summarize this in a nicer more direct way.

The bait is working! Also... yeah, the last two sentences are a bit... but I'm not sure since I like to leave some of it for interpretation.

Steel your heart.

I mean... what you wrote was rather gentle lol.... in comparison to the brutes on RR.

So we have four 'dividers' which represents different a total of five different scenes. RoyalRoad readers hate it when there's more than one scene. Having two scenes is pushing it a lot. Is some of the scenes critical to the reader? Is it paramount to the reader that he reads the conversation between Noel and Alum at the start? Will not reading it make him unable to understand the plot or the story?

If you say 'the readers need to know that they are friends', you can easily show that post-transportation rather than pre-transportation. There is a reason for doing so as well.

The main draw of Isekai is not the character relationships they have before the portal or before they were transported over - it is the new world itself.

And yes... I messed up with too many scenes...

Yes, actually, as you read along, you will understand why I had them interact this way, and this isn't really for plot, but more for a character-driven story.

Lastly, yes, Isekai bait. But... I wanted to make it clear it's a character-driven story and how their pasts do matter in carving them into who they are. And... honestly, it's more of a slice of life in the first arc, so you can kinda forget it's an isekai to begin with.

2. Dialogue

Dialogue is pretty good, the flow is natural and feels like a proper conversation, so good on that part.

Yey! 1+

I'm not asking for flowery language in every single sentence, but some things do deserve a bit more description to drive home the tension of the post transportation.

Haha, it's true, but I did some of these things intentionally, like... I tried very hard not to describe the feelings of the MC. Notice how I describe how the other characters react more? While it's not the best now that I go back, it's certainly more than the MC.

The example you gave was also where I think that shines, he's not reacting, but his instincts are telling him. and it's at this point I plan for the readers to realise that his lack of emergency for things was severely lacking. He had a pretty normal interaction with his friend(s), right? Now... this reaction is something I don't consider normal, that is. The lack of reaction.

Actually... I think I forgot to describe the big creatures... like... forgot about it.

But... yeah, even with this explained, I can see that even that part was poorly explained and it didn't come across as intended, thanks, I got work to do xD

4. Method of Internal Dialogue.

I never really said this to anyone else in this thread so far, but using | ... | for internal dialogue kills every text to speech user immediately, as well as your dividers. I would seriously consider changing to italics, especially if you want to eventually sell the story as an audiobook (e.g make your life easier for the future)

But I like these... also, I used to use Italics. I sorta... did not like them that much, so I changed.... yikes... I actually did not consider text to speech....
I'll consider the change... but I still dislike them....

Overall:

Title good, blurb good, cover great, first chapter lacking.

I think the ratings on RoyalRoad you have gotten shows how tough the crowd is, but if you can survive that, that's where the money is.

Remember, this feedback thread is to purely sell your novel. I noticed a few spelling mistakes as well as severe lack of punctuation, but this feedback thread is not for that - i think other threads got that covered.

The biggest mistake you made so far on RoyalRoad? Not putting LitRPG tag or LitRPG in your title.

Wow! This was really insightful! Also... I didn't brand it as LitRPG or tag it as such... because it ain't one.... also, basically, most of the ratings, comments and reviews were from my old writing, horrendous, by the way, but... I kinda like where the rating is at, as strange as it sounds....


But really, this helped, and I'll update my first chapter to match the following ones, but the stuff mentioned is likely to stay since they serve a purpose. As for the scenes, I think I'll try to have a smoother transition. Trick the readers that there are fewer of them, making them think it's just one to two scenes.

Note: Yes, I did intentionally make people think it's a LitRPG with the status windows, but notice there ain't numbers in them, they actually have lore, and I haven't explained that since it's very far into the story.... ahaha....

Edit: I tried the text-to-speech thing, and... I don't notice a difference?

 

[M.G.Driver]

Oh... then you probably noticed the difference in quality since I wrote the prologue much later.... to be honest, I found that more expressive than the first chapter now that I go back to it



Hehehe, well, indeed, I tried to make it sound as comedic as possible to bait some people(I'm sort of a troll)


The bait is working! Also... yeah, the last two sentences are a bit... but I'm not sure since I like to leave some of it for interpretation.


I mean... what you wrote was rather gentle lol.... in comparison to the brutes on RR.



And yes... I messed up with too many scenes...

Yes, actually, as you read along, you will understand why I had them interact this way, and this isn't really for plot, but more for a character-driven story.

Lastly, yes, Isekai bait. But... I wanted to make it clear it's a character-driven story and how their pasts do matter in carving them into who they are. And... honestly, it's more of a slice of life in the first arc, so you can kinda forget it's an isekai to begin with.


Yey! 1+



Haha, it's true, but I did some of these things intentionally, like... I tried very hard not to describe the feelings of the MC. Notice how I describe how the other characters react more? While it's not the best now that I go back, it's certainly more than the MC.

The example you gave was also where I think that shines, he's not reacting, but his instincts are telling him. and it's at this point I plan for the readers to realise that his lack of emergency for things was severely lacking. He had a pretty normal interaction with his friend(s), right? Now... this reaction is something I don't consider normal, that is. The lack of reaction.

Actually... I think I forgot to describe the big creatures... like... forgot about it.

But... yeah, even with this explained, I can see that even that part was poorly explained and it didn't come across as intended, thanks, I got work to do xD



But I like these... also, I used to use Italics. I sorta... did not like them that much, so I changed.... yikes... I actually did not consider text to speech....
I'll consider the change... but I still dislike them....



Wow! This was really insightful! Also... I didn't brand it as LitRPG or tag it as such... because it ain't one.... also, basically, most of the ratings, comments and reviews were from my old writing, horrendous, by the way, but... I kinda like where the rating is at, as strange as it sounds....


But really, this helped, and I'll update my first chapter to match the following ones, but the stuff mentioned is likely to stay since they serve a purpose. As for the scenes, I think I'll try to have a smoother transition. Trick the readers that there are fewer of them, making them think it's just one to two scenes.

Note: Yes, I did intentionally make people think it's a LitRPG with the status windows, but notice there ain't numbers in them, they actually have lore, and I haven't explained that since it's very far into the story.... ahaha....

Edit: I tried the text-to-speech thing, and... I don't notice a difference?

'There are things there that eventually serve a purpose'.

The only purpose they serve right now is to actively discourage RR readers from reading any further. Foreshadowing is the death of many fictions on RoyalRoad, especially when the payoff comes much later.

You want money? Action and tension straight, showing the characters reaction and relationships through the scene.

'It isnt a LitRPG'

You have a character that says its like a videogame. And u have status screens. Number or not doesnt matter.

 

[Dearest_Violet]

If you're still doing this I would love to hear your thoughts!

Click HERE!

Thank you very much for your time!

 

[Seseal]

'There are things there that eventually serve a purpose'.

The only purpose they serve right now is to actively discourage RR readers from reading any further. Foreshadowing is the death of many fictions on RoyalRoad, especially when the payoff comes much later.

You want money? Action and tension straight, showing the characters reaction and relationships through the scene.

True... I won't argue with that. But... most readers don't even realise the foreshadowing anyways. You didn't, so I assume many others don't as well. But to those who do, the payoff is very early in the story.

'It isnt a LitRPG'

You have a character that says its like a videogame. And u have status screens. Number or not doesnt matter.

Hmm, I still don't consider it a LitRPG, even if there are status windows and a character compares it to a game. You'd probably do too, but that doesn't have to make it one or close to one. Does it absolutely make it a LitRPG just because it has a status window? I don't personally think so.
In this case, it really is a fantasy/Isekai. Because, to be honest, I haven't read a LitRPG to be able to write one.
Also, if we go by RR's terms of it, this doesn't match.

 

[M.G.Driver]

True... I won't argue with that. But... most readers don't even realise the foreshadowing anyways. You didn't, so I assume many others don't as well. But to those who do, the payoff is very early in the story.



Hmm, I still don't consider it a LitRPG, even if there are status windows and a character compares it to a game. You'd probably do too, but that doesn't have to make it one or close to one. Does it absolutely make it a LitRPG just because it has a status window? I don't personally think so.
In this case, it really is a fantasy/Isekai. Because, to be honest, I haven't read a LitRPG to be able to write one.
Also, if we go by RR's terms of it, this doesn't match.

Okay. I've showed your fiction to various other RR authors i personally know. It is unanimously a litrpg on RR. Maybe not on SH. Definitely not on JP LN, because they dont have such a genre as status screens are the norm.

But you do you, you have your feedback. Being a writer is 50% marketing.

If you're still doing this I would love to hear your thoughts!

Click HERE!

Thank you very much for your time!

Title:

Pretty good for a progression fantasy. I'm surprised you didn't put the action, adventure or fantasy tag as your genre. Limiting the number of genres you are in is a good way to miss your chance at getting more readers. Consider putting [Progression Fantasy] in your title maybe to get more clicks.

Blurb:

Personally, I like it, but I can see that readers would be completely confused. It gives me an epic fantasy feeling, which is nice and can sell on RR. So you would have your audience there. Might be a bit harder to grab the attention of SH though - epic fantasy does not do extremely well here except for a few edge cases.

Cover:

Can be better, add more flourish. You can definitely make it more striking so people would click on it when they see it as a thumbnail.

First Chapter:

Very reminsicent of Mushoku Tensei (which u mentioned in your synop) , TBATE, and generally every other baby reincarnation story.

Works well to grab the attention of fans of that genre, so you definitely got that going. I like how it isn't just the same plot line, having added your own unique twist.

I like the obvious behind-the-scenes events of the mother leaving the castle. Sets up a clear tension plot line that could be revisited down the line later.

The fast paced swapping or timeskip actually works well in this sort of genre, as it helps the reader to feel a rush of progression (they are junkies after all), so if you sold this as a Progression Epic Fantasy this would be quite good on RR.

Personally, I definitely glossed over the names of the party members, it was far too many names for a first chapter. I don't particularly think the first chapter is in need of a rewrite though, it works well as it is.

Overall:

Title can be better, Blrub ok but maybe shorter? , Cover can have more flair, first chapter very good.


Your biggest mistake is how you market yourself. You have no progression tag on RR plus no Weak to Strong.

You should do a bit more research on which genres get clicks on RR and on scribblehub. Being a writier is 50% marketing - you could write Lord of the Ring today on RR for the first time and you wouldn't hit rising stars if you didnt put it in the popular genres.

Mushoku Tensei is most definitely progression - if you're trying to sell it to a western audience, its best if you market accordingly.