Free First Impressions Feedback Thread

[Lire]

Hi. Great stuff you're doing here.

I know my first chapter sucks since I wrote it when I was a super noob. I just want more feedback, I guess.

Glimpse of Eternity [A Reincarnation Isekai Fantasy]

'There is no Good and Evil. Only Power.' At the tender age of ten, Kagami Ken was thrust into a life of excruciating pain, burdened by a unique illness that haunted him relentlessly. Years later, a severe episode renders him comatose for six whole months! Good news, he wakes...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Five6212]

Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.

What I think my credentials are:

1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.​

2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.​

3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)​

To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.

I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.

Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.

But enough about me bragging.

What I'll do for you:

1. Review your title​

2. Review your blurb​

3. Review your cover​

4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. ​

​

Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.

My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.

I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.

My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.

Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.

No link = no review of novel.

Any genre goes.

Hi there, I’m a new author and would love to hear your feedback for my workRavenswood

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hi. Great stuff you're doing here.

I know my first chapter sucks since I wrote it when I was a super noob. I just want more feedback, I guess.

Glimpse of Eternity [A Reincarnation Isekai Fantasy]

'There is no Good and Evil. Only Power.' At the tender age of ten, Kagami Ken was thrust into a life of excruciating pain, burdened by a unique illness that haunted him relentlessly. Years later, a severe episode renders him comatose for six whole months! Good news, he wakes...

www.scribblehub.com

can i skip you, you're a legend already.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hi there, I’m a new author and would love to hear your feedback for my workRavenswood

Damn, that's a fire prologue. You got chops.

1. Title
Terrible for webnovels, probably okayish for trad pub.

I haven't read far enough to get an idea on a good title, but based on how you wrote your prologue I think you should be good at that. Don't be afraid of title length.

2. Cover
Terrible for scribblehub and Royalroad. Immediately gives off an epic historical drama vibe, which is a big no no. They won't even know it's Isekai etc. No one can see the blurb on latest updates (for both websites)

Change to something else, stable diffusion is free.

3. Blurb
One paragraph chunk doesn't make for good reading. Short sentences spaced apart makes it more attractive.

4. First chapter.

Straight fire. This is the bomb, good emotional tension straight up front and center. Dialogue on point for the setting, descriptions pretty good.

Only thing I would have you change is the paragraphing, have u seen how it looks like on mobile? Some paragraphs are pretty chunky - I use medium font size and it can take up half of my screen.

Good ending to the chapter, you made me turn the page immediately to see what happens next.

Overall,
Title terrible, cover terrible, blurb can be improved, first chapter very very good.

For the title, try considering what would you use to tell your friends, family, relatives etc to explain your story. Find the key phrases you use and make that your title. You can always change the title - it ain't printed on paper yet.

You kinda of got buried in latest series, so I suggest revamping cover title and blurb before taking down the current one and re-releasing. That's the one place you can rack up a lot of readers.

 

[RollieOwl]

Hey there, thanks for waiting. Finally had free time.

Thank you very much for this review! I'll do my best on the writing going forward

 

[Five6212]

Damn, that's a fire prologue. You got chops.

1. Title
Terrible for webnovels, probably okayish for trad pub.

I haven't read far enough to get an idea on a good title, but based on how you wrote your prologue I think you should be good at that. Don't be afraid of title length.

2. Cover
Terrible for scribblehub and Royalroad. Immediately gives off an epic historical drama vibe, which is a big no no. They won't even know it's Isekai etc. No one can see the blurb on latest updates (for both websites)

Change to something else, stable diffusion is free.

3. Blurb
One paragraph chunk doesn't make for good reading. Short sentences spaced apart makes it more attractive.

4. First chapter.

Straight fire. This is the bomb, good emotional tension straight up front and center. Dialogue on point for the setting, descriptions pretty good.

Only thing I would have you change is the paragraphing, have u seen how it looks like on mobile? Some paragraphs are pretty chunky - I use medium font size and it can take up half of my screen.

Good ending to the chapter, you made me turn the page immediately to see what happens next.

Overall,
Title terrible, cover terrible, blurb can be improved, first chapter very very good.

For the title, try considering what would you use to tell your friends, family, relatives etc to explain your story. Find the key phrases you use and make that your title. You can always change the title - it ain't printed on paper yet.

You kinda of got buried in latest series, so I suggest revamping cover title and blurb before taking down the current one and re-releasing. That's the one place you can rack up a lot of readers.

Thank you for your reviews. I’ll use them to better my work.

Damn, that's a fire prologue. You got chops.

1. Title
Terrible for webnovels, probably okayish for trad pub.

I haven't read far enough to get an idea on a good title, but based on how you wrote your prologue I think you should be good at that. Don't be afraid of title length.

2. Cover
Terrible for scribblehub and Royalroad. Immediately gives off an epic historical drama vibe, which is a big no no. They won't even know it's Isekai etc. No one can see the blurb on latest updates (for both websites)

Change to something else, stable diffusion is free.

3. Blurb
One paragraph chunk doesn't make for good reading. Short sentences spaced apart makes it more attractive.

4. First chapter.

Straight fire. This is the bomb, good emotional tension straight up front and center. Dialogue on point for the setting, descriptions pretty good.

Only thing I would have you change is the paragraphing, have u seen how it looks like on mobile? Some paragraphs are pretty chunky - I use medium font size and it can take up half of my screen.

Good ending to the chapter, you made me turn the page immediately to see what happens next.

Overall,
Title terrible, cover terrible, blurb can be improved, first chapter very very good.

For the title, try considering what would you use to tell your friends, family, relatives etc to explain your story. Find the key phrases you use and make that your title. You can always change the title - it ain't printed on paper yet.

You kinda of got buried in latest series, so I suggest revamping cover title and blurb before taking down the current one and re-releasing. That's the one place you can rack up a lot of readers.

I have a question. How does the latest series work. If I update a new chapter, will I pop up in the latest series?

 

[M.G.Driver]

Damn, that's a fire prologue. You got chops.

Thank you for your reviews. I’ll use them to better my work.

I have a question. How does the latest series work. If I update a new chapter, will I pop up in the latest series?

New chapters go to latest updates.

 

[LordTrillium]

Would love some feedback please

Echoes of Aetheria

In 'Echoes of Aetheria,' Lila, a woman with a blurry past, wakes up in the mysterious realm of Aetheria with zero memory of how she got there. Led by a voice in her head, she embarks on a risky journey to uncover the secrets of her lost memories and...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Lire]

can i skip you, you're a legend already.

 

[Tiny_british]

Hi I'm new and i would like some feedback for my work. The Heroine and the Extra | Scribble Hub

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hi. Great stuff you're doing here.

I know my first chapter sucks since I wrote it when I was a super noob. I just want more feedback, I guess.

Glimpse of Eternity [A Reincarnation Isekai Fantasy]

'There is no Good and Evil. Only Power.' At the tender age of ten, Kagami Ken was thrust into a life of excruciating pain, burdened by a unique illness that haunted him relentlessly. Years later, a severe episode renders him comatose for six whole months! Good news, he wakes...

www.scribblehub.com

Aight fine i'll do it.

1. Title

Well, you did put reincarnation isekai fantasy in the title, so its pretty clear i guess. No need to change

2. Cover

Pretty good, what else to say?

3. Blurb

This is Webnovel asian style blurb, which might not work on RoyalRoad. It reeks from afar - this blurb structure can be seen a mile away on MTL and scraper sites in the hundreds. Maybe try a shorter one? Also I don't think you need to say his name four times in the blurb, with twice being the full name.

4. First Chapter

wow, 5k words. I'm a fan of shorter chapters to gain easy views and reads on RoyalRoad, so the word length is already out the question, rip. The Wandering Inn is an anomaly in itself.

I flipped through a few chapters, and it's a crazy slow burn. Big emotional damage, but slow burn. Not going to go well with most readers over at Royal Road, especially seeing that your title has [Reincarnation Isekai Fantasy] in it, but the first few chapters are all pre-reincarnation etc.

It does help the readers feel compassion or empathy for the MC, but otherwise far too long for Royal road readers.

The chapter is written in a quite whimsical way, a bit like rambling of the situation. It gives this 'lifestyle' feel, and I don't really feel the urge to turn the chapter.

Overall
Title okay, cover okay, blurb no no, first chapter good but not really right fit.

See, I'm not saying 5k word chapters don't work on RoyalRoad. They do. It's just that the way the chapter is written, it's a bit lacking in pulling tension. There's no hint of the Isekai or gods or anything happening to him.

Either way you're already a legend so u didn't need this feedback.

Would love some feedback please

Echoes of Aetheria

In 'Echoes of Aetheria,' Lila, a woman with a blurry past, wakes up in the mysterious realm of Aetheria with zero memory of how she got there. Led by a voice in her head, she embarks on a risky journey to uncover the secrets of her lost memories and...

www.scribblehub.com

Hey there.

1.Title
Cool, but pretty meh. I don't see anything new, doesn't tell me much. For all I know, it could be a sci fi book. Like 'Echoes of Betelgeuse'

2. Cover

Cool, really like it, might not work on Scribblehub but I've seen similar ones with great success.

3. Blurb
Ok what is this for real? This has got to be hands down the most generic blurb I've seen. I don't see anything new nor twisting about the novel, it feels like you're just shoehorning the setting of the story to create your own world with no care if there is anything attractive about it.

Maybe you did a whole lot of world building behind the scene, but vague words and plain phrases ain't gonna attract anybody's attention. Your first blurb paragraph is the most important, yet it doesn't even hook.

If I walked into my local library, your book would probably be lost in a million others. Even if you wanted to follow how traditional published books do their blurbs, they usually start with a key phrases first.

4. First chapter.
Okay it feels like the entire start is cookie cutter. Wakes up in unknown place with voice in head as guide, sounds pretty simple.

Sure there's the underlying mystery that YOU as the author might know. You probably know what the twists are, what the system is, what the true setting of the world is.

But because of the generic start, there doesn't seem to be anything pushing for tension nor mystery. The addition of the voice is mysterious, sure, but would readers even bother to find out?

Maybe fans of horror might, but that's not a lot on RoyalRoad.

Overall title,
Title meh, cover good, blurb horrible, first chapter generic

Consider to yourself what is the selling point of the book. Based of 'Manga in Theory and Practice' (go find the PDF), stories attract readers in the following categories in descending priority

1. Character
2. Story
3. Setting

Your blurb doesn't hook in any of these categories. Neither does your first chapter.

Now, if you were writing for fun, sure, it's okay. I have seen worse starts. But this feedback thread is for selling or marketing your novel.

Perhaps this might blow up as traditional published book. But as it is right now, I find it hard to believe this book would hit rising stars top 7 on royalroad in it's current form.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hi I'm new and i would like some feedback for my work. The Heroine and the Extra | Scribble Hub

You sure you are new? You seem to be an experienced writer. Your first chapter was Aug 2022.

1. Title
Nice, multiple MC? Heroine and the extra.

2. Cover
Oh? Going for the kingdom fantasy feel? Nice, pretty standard. Could definitely improve the quality, maybe create one just for heroine.

3. Blurb
Uhh, okay-ish, but it screams amateur. No problem though. pretty basic japanese light novel synopsis it seems.

4. First Chapter

Wow that was long. Very long. Should have been split into two chapters.

The writing needs work for sure, there are misspellings and missing punctuation for most dialogue lines.

No full stops or commas anywhere to be seen.

Certain sentences run on indefinitely without a clear end, making it hard to read with proper cadence.

Overall the story is pretty basic. You skip the baby part so that's kind of okayish, it helps avoid the plot trap of an overpowered two-year old child slamming people.

I like the action scenes with him and the heroine, that was good. Might want to reorder the sequence so we start with that. Stories don't have to be told in chronological order based on your internal world building - tell the readers what is exciting.

Overall
Title okay, cover meh, blurb meh, first chapter needs rework.

You don't seem to have written chapters regularly, so I don't think the feedback would be helpful to you, as you are not aiming at selling or publishing the book. Just treat it as a few things that you got to fix.

Most important of all is your writing style, which is the major thing that holds you back. (Punctuation, spelling and cadence)

 

[Tiny_british]

Thanks for the feedback I will make sure to follow your advice.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Sorry if this is a dead thread, but I'll give it a shot. I've got two story drafts, though, so I'm not sure if you'll read the other one. But if you do, please let me know which works better as a published novel.

Slay The Cross (Old)

docs.google.com

Google Docs: Sign-in

Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).

docs.google.com

 

[Little-Moon]

If this threat isn't dead. I would also be happy with a feedback, curious if my story has any potential to sell, if you have the time. I do write mostly for fun so please... don't entirely destroy it....

Ninetails

 

[RuralDimwit]

I don't know why I thought I'd get a notification when you replied, but I did. No notification, so I missed this entirely. It's a bit late, but thank you so much for your comments - you've given me some really good tips for things to work on.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Sorry if this is a dead thread, but I'll give it a shot. I've got two story drafts, though, so I'm not sure if you'll read the other one. But if you do, please let me know which works better as a published novel.

Slay The Cross (Old)

docs.google.com

Google Docs: Sign-in

Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).

docs.google.com

I'll be honest, the story concept completely went over the top of my head that I cannot get a grasp on what is happening. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but as I cannot understand what the story line is nor the scenes that are being described, I'm going to have to skip the feedback.

If you do decide to post it on scribblehub again, let me know. I find it really hard to judge this novel for some inexplicable reason. I think there's an audience who would love this.

 

[PBJ_Time]

I'll be honest, the story concept completely went over the top of my head that I cannot get a grasp on what is happening. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but as I cannot understand what the story line is nor the scenes that are being described, I'm going to have to skip the feedback.

If you do decide to post it on scribblehub again, let me know. I find it really hard to judge this novel for some inexplicable reason. I think there's an audience who would love this.

Oh, don't worry. I've decided to rework the second document because, well, I felt it could still a lot better. I'll notify you someday.

 

[M.G.Driver]

If this threat isn't dead. I would also be happy with a feedback, curious if my story has any potential to sell, if you have the time. I do write mostly for fun so please... don't entirely destroy it....

Ninetails

Okay, I won't entirely destroy it.

1. Title

Good short succint title, but not very articulate on what could happen. Could go a lot of routes (smut?) so a bit ambigious. However, since it is short and to the point, its fine not changing it.

2. Blurb
Hmm, a bit confusing. I guess it sets a general expectation of a journey of growth. But the way it is worded feels a bit clunky in english. I understand you're not native, so let's dive a bit to point out whats wrong in the blurb. Feel free to ignore this section - I'm not the law, you don't have to take my suggestion.

Tallu is a Foxkin about to reach her ninth tail.

So we start with the first sentence. This is a great hook. Reason being that a foxkin does not imply having multiple tails, so seeing a fox get nine tails is already intriguing.

A rare breed among her own kind she never expected reaching her ninth tail to be easy, but things quickly grow out of proportions and Tallu wouldn't be Tallu if she didn't stumble into a giant mess on her trial to get a ninth tail.

This is where it's a bit too ambiguous. The phrase 'things quickly grow out of proportions' is far too vague. I understand that you want to leave a bit of mystery behind the novel, but this is a bit too much. Readers want to know what is the expectations for such a trial. By leaving the route/path too open, you alienate many readers who are looking for a specific type of novel. Is the 'things grow' war? drama? youth relationships? politics? monsters?

Readers look for a specific type. I think it should be a bit clearer as to what type of issues happen.

There is also an issue of repetition as well in this sentence.

For your third sentence, the same issues apply as well. 'Finding her own path' is a very generic phrase, so it doesn't get a reader to click in.

The whole blurb is meant to hook the reader in. As such, the most interesting aspects of your book should be put forth front and center.

3. Cover

That's nice. I like it. Good stuff.

4. First Chapter.

From the title, the blurb and the first chapter, I definitely did not expect it to be a war scene at all.

The story becomes interesting, and there's definitely a pageturner at the bottom. A bit of weird phrasing such as 'second century old' or 'Cuz off', but you're not native so its fine.

I did not read the second chapter, so i'm not sure if it is an extended prologue. If it is, then readers may not be interested in reading to the good part (or wherever you think the good part is.)

Slow burn novels are great, and helps to build character and scene. The war conflict scene helps to drive inherent tension up and pull the reader into the mystery, but if the mystery takes too long to be solved, then readers may not be confident that it will be solved in 300 chapters or so.

Overall:

Title okay. Blurb okay, Cover great, first chapter okayish, a bit confusing, doesn't align.

The bait and switch from blurb to first chapter makes it hard to join any dots as to what the story is about. This creates a barrier to potential readers, as they consider 'is it worth the effort to read through chapters to figure out why?' <--- insert number of chapters.

I think it is necessary to consider what is the key selling point of the novel, and lean into heavily. 'A girl finding her own path' is a very very generic point, countless other novels have done that.

So find what's unique, and consider how you would introduce the story to a stranger. If someone asked you directly what your story is about, would you say exactly word for word whats in the blurb? and if you did, would you read it yourself if you heard such a pitch?

 

[Little-Moon]

Okay, I won't entirely destroy it.

1. Title

Good short succint title, but not very articulate on what could happen. Could go a lot of routes (smut?) so a bit ambigious. However, since it is short and to the point, its fine not changing it.

2. Blurb
Hmm, a bit confusing. I guess it sets a general expectation of a journey of growth. But the way it is worded feels a bit clunky in english. I understand you're not native, so let's dive a bit to point out whats wrong in the blurb. Feel free to ignore this section - I'm not the law, you don't have to take my suggestion.



So we start with the first sentence. This is a great hook. Reason being that a foxkin does not imply having multiple tails, so seeing a fox get nine tails is already intriguing.


This is where it's a bit too ambiguous. The phrase 'things quickly grow out of proportions' is far too vague. I understand that you want to leave a bit of mystery behind the novel, but this is a bit too much. Readers want to know what is the expectations for such a trial. By leaving the route/path too open, you alienate many readers who are looking for a specific type of novel. Is the 'things grow' war? drama? youth relationships? politics? monsters?

Readers look for a specific type. I think it should be a bit clearer as to what type of issues happen.

There is also an issue of repetition as well in this sentence.

For your third sentence, the same issues apply as well. 'Finding her own path' is a very generic phrase, so it doesn't get a reader to click in.

The whole blurb is meant to hook the reader in. As such, the most interesting aspects of your book should be put forth front and center.

3. Cover

That's nice. I like it. Good stuff.

4. First Chapter.

From the title, the blurb and the first chapter, I definitely did not expect it to be a war scene at all.

The story becomes interesting, and there's definitely a pageturner at the bottom. A bit of weird phrasing such as 'second century old' or 'Cuz off', but you're not native so its fine.

I did not read the second chapter, so i'm not sure if it is an extended prologue. If it is, then readers may not be interested in reading to the good part (or wherever you think the good part is.)

Slow burn novels are great, and helps to build character and scene. The war conflict scene helps to drive inherent tension up and pull the reader into the mystery, but if the mystery takes too long to be solved, then readers may not be confident that it will be solved in 300 chapters or so.

Overall:

Title okay. Blurb okay, Cover great, first chapter okayish, a bit confusing, doesn't align.

The bait and switch from blurb to first chapter makes it hard to join any dots as to what the story is about. This creates a barrier to potential readers, as they consider 'is it worth the effort to read through chapters to figure out why?' <--- insert number of chapters.

I think it is necessary to consider what is the key selling point of the novel, and lean into heavily. 'A girl finding her own path' is a very very generic point, countless other novels have done that.

So find what's unique, and consider how you would introduce the story to a stranger. If someone asked you directly what your story is about, would you say exactly word for word whats in the blurb? and if you did, would you read it yourself if you heard such a pitch?

Thank you for the feedback. And not destroying me into bits and pieces. The part of the blurb is really interesting, I'll try to work over it, I wanted to keep a bit of mystery might have overdone that

For the Prolog, one does not have to read it, but it's actually important enough later on for understanding why some of the characters act the way they do. I wanted to have that right at the start, but it felt kind off wrong putting it into the first chapter. Since it was not per se necessary. The first chapter starts when the MC is actually trying to get her ninth tail.

Anyway, thank you very much for the feedback.