- Jan 1, 2019
You think your novel is good? No, it's a piece of shit.
Post a link to it, and I will insult it more.
Post a link to it, and I will insult it more.
Besides a few odd shifts in tense in Chapter 1 and a few mechanics errors that you could fix with a reread or two, I have no complaints.The deal: Beryl the self-proclaimed 'god-tier' gamer is offered one thousand years of paradise for reincarnating into a fantasy world and slaying the Demon King. The plan: Pretending to be a girl in online games worked to get him tons of free gold. What could go wrong doing it for...www.scribblehub.com
Here's mine, thanks~
I am literally clenching my ass cheeks so hard it could probably pass as obsidian. GO HARD ON MY BABY AND MAKE SURE IT BLEEDS.
What is this?This is free story feedback. Post your story in the comments of this thread, and I'll read it 'til I get bored. If I drop it before the last chapter, I'll tell you why I dropped it and areas you can improve on. If I stay entertained 'til the last chapter, I'll give it a 5* written review and put it in the Hall of Fame below.
I will read literally anything; I have no genre preferences. I have also read many worse stories than yours (i.e. a story I wrote in 7th grade that will never again see the light of day), so my pain tolerance is pretty high too.
Send your worst, or your best.
Hall of Fame:Cultivation Can Wait; Anime Is My Fate! - This is a shameless advertisement of my own novel. It's good, and I like it.
Weird Shift - KonoSuba but gender-bender
Like you said in the disclaimer, this really did cause me discomfort.Yeah sure, mine is in my signature. Thank you
Um, okay agree to disagree.Like you said in the disclaimer, this really did cause me discomfort.
You lost me on the first line. It's dull, it's too long, and it's hard to read. The first line is supposed to hook me in, not repulse me. I decided to finish the first chapter at least, since this is a story feedback thread, but I couldn't.
Your writing is just plain hard-to-read. It feels pretentious and overly grandoise, like you're trying to write amazing poetry, except it's a web serial and you forget several commas. Tone it down. Cut some of your shorter sentences in half. Consider using "that" or "that was:" it adds clarity. Also, proofread your chapter. I know this is SH, and nobody cares, but you've shown to me that *you can write.*
Oh, and you don't write "X said" after participle phrases before speech. Either make the participle phrase a proper sentence, or write "X said."
Example of how you do it currently:
Laughing into the wind, "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Examples of how to do it correctly:
She laughed into the wind. "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Laughing into the wind, she said, "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
I dropped at c15 through no fault of your own; it's written quite well, and it's quite engaging.Thanks for doing this! :)
He remembered that it hurt. Gaining power hurt. No one ever warns you about the pain that comes before or after. The blinding torture that racked his body for centuries was nothing compared to losing — well ... everyone. He supposed he should have known things wouldn’t work out in the...www.scribblehub.com
AGO Feedback:Shamelys Ultima, Ai-chan is scared but would you roast Ai-chan's The Hounds of Hell and Age of Gods Online? Ai-chan heart is not ready, but Ai-chan will read your roast with one eye open!
Serena was a top player in the popular browser game Age of Gods Online which combined elements of strategy and RPG on a platform available to everyone with access to the internet. As an RMT scum, she climbed the ranks of the deathmatch with real-world money. After she was defeated...www.scribblehub.comFor Carl, Maya has always been the cherished older sister. For Maya, Carl has always been the beloved younger brother. They may not have always been the best of friends, nor are they ever the worst of enemies. Sometimes they disagree, sometimes they support each other, sometimes they simply...www.scribblehub.com
What the fuck is this. This is among the worst examples of describing breasts I have ever seen, and I frequent r/menwritingwomen. If you want to have the main character be a big pervert, there are better ways to do it than to remind me of steak. This one line entirely broke my immersion and made me question my sanity.As she crossed the bed, the contents of her school blouse jiggled from side to side, inadvertenly drawing his eyes towards the jiggling twin pieces of meat and fat covered in a school uniform
Thanks for the review. Hum hum so that's what people think of those books. Alright, Ai-chan will go have a look again.AGO Feedback:
Dropped in the middle of c1.
It suffers from 3 main things:
1. Don't start with worldbuilding; it isn't interesting. I'm a worldbuilder myself, and I know how tempting it is to write about the worlds we create. However, it is borderline boring for readers if they are not invested into the story yet. Have your action scene come first.
- Starting with worldbuilding
- Introducing too many characters at once
- Too much dialogue
2. Your action scene has a whole party fighting, and you name everyone. My memory isn't good enough for that, so it becomes a mess of confusing words that I don't understand. Just name the main character to start off with, then continue introducing characters at a steady pace later on. You don't have to name a character to have them be in the action.
3. Your whole chapter suffers this problem. The action scene is half people speaking. Describe the action more. What cool, flashy moves are the characters doing? How are the other characters reacting to said moves? And then after the action scene, it's almost pure dialogue. Space it out. What is the main character doing while she's speaking? What is the main character feeling while she's speaking?
Dropped at c1.
This one is better. I like the dream at the beginning, especially the first 3 lines: it gets me interested in the rest of the novel. It could use some more text other than the dialogue, like the rest of the chapter. Speaking of the rest of the chapter, it doesn't suffer from the same problems the first novel did. It has good pacing, and I actually became interested in the story.
Why did I drop at c1 then?
I was considering about reading the next chapter. However, just look at this quote.
What the fuck is this. This is among the worst examples of describing breasts I have ever seen, and I frequent r/menwritingwomen. If you want to have the main character be a big pervert, there are better ways to do it than to remind me of steak. This one line entirely broke my immersion and made me question my sanity.