Free Story Criticisms

Malonymous

Writer of fake *and* real villainess noble girls~
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
128
Points
63

:blob_hide: Here's mine, thanks~
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58

:blob_hide: Here's mine, thanks~
Besides a few odd shifts in tense in Chapter 1 and a few mechanics errors that you could fix with a reread or two, I have no complaints.
Enjoy your 5* review.
 

K5Rakitan

Level 32 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
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3,337
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158
What if I want a 1-star review?
 

Arcanix

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
7
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3
Thanks for doing this! :)
 

Ai-chan

Queen of Yuri Devourer of Traps
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
547
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133
Shamelys Ultima, Ai-chan is scared but would you roast Ai-chan's The Hounds of Hell and Age of Gods Online? Ai-chan heart is not ready, but Ai-chan will read your roast with one eye open!

 

BenJepheneT

كاني™ ويست
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
4,090
Points
183

What is this?​

This is free story feedback. Post your story in the comments of this thread, and I'll read it 'til I get bored. If I drop it before the last chapter, I'll tell you why I dropped it and areas you can improve on. If I stay entertained 'til the last chapter, I'll give it a 5* written review and put it in the Hall of Fame below.
I will read literally anything; I have no genre preferences. I have also read many worse stories than yours (i.e. a story I wrote in 7th grade that will never again see the light of day), so my pain tolerance is pretty high too.
Send your worst, or your best.

Hall of Fame:​

Cultivation Can Wait; Anime Is My Fate! - This is a shameless advertisement of my own novel. It's good, and I like it.
Weird Shift - KonoSuba but gender-bender
I am literally clenching my ass cheeks so hard it could probably pass as obsidian. GO HARD ON MY BABY AND MAKE SURE IT BLEEDS.

 

Volatis

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2021
Messages
6
Points
3
Not sure if this fits your typical preference but I just started posting on here recently and this sounds awesome. Thanks for taking the time to do this!

 

IAmGuavaFruit

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2021
Messages
8
Points
3
Well then, time to advocate for more Monke stories... Go hard on it please! <(_ _)>
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Yeah sure, mine is in my signature. Thank you :blob_whistle:
Like you said in the disclaimer, this really did cause me discomfort.
You lost me on the first line. It's dull, it's too long, and it's hard to read. The first line is supposed to hook me in, not repulse me. I decided to finish the first chapter at least, since this is a story feedback thread, but I couldn't.
Your writing is just plain hard-to-read. It feels pretentious and overly grandoise, like you're trying to write amazing poetry, except it's a web serial and you forget several commas. Tone it down. Cut some of your shorter sentences in half. Consider using "that" or "that was:" it adds clarity. Also, proofread your chapter. I know this is SH, and nobody cares, but you've shown to me that *you can write.*
Oh, and you don't write "X said" after participle phrases before speech. Either make the participle phrase a proper sentence, or write "X said."
Example of how you do it currently:
Laughing into the wind, "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Examples of how to do it correctly:
She laughed into the wind. "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Laughing into the wind, she said, "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
 

lilGoat

Active member
Joined
Oct 11, 2020
Messages
28
Points
28
Like you said in the disclaimer, this really did cause me discomfort.
You lost me on the first line. It's dull, it's too long, and it's hard to read. The first line is supposed to hook me in, not repulse me. I decided to finish the first chapter at least, since this is a story feedback thread, but I couldn't.
Your writing is just plain hard-to-read. It feels pretentious and overly grandoise, like you're trying to write amazing poetry, except it's a web serial and you forget several commas. Tone it down. Cut some of your shorter sentences in half. Consider using "that" or "that was:" it adds clarity. Also, proofread your chapter. I know this is SH, and nobody cares, but you've shown to me that *you can write.*
Oh, and you don't write "X said" after participle phrases before speech. Either make the participle phrase a proper sentence, or write "X said."
Example of how you do it currently:
Laughing into the wind, "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Examples of how to do it correctly:
She laughed into the wind. "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Laughing into the wind, she said, "Ahh, what a refreshing breeze."
Um, okay agree to disagree.
I'm curious about the comment for proofreading, I might have missed something, did you notice a typo or a missing comma?
 

TheTrinary

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
579
Points
93
My best just happens to be my worst. Click the picture below when you have some free time.
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Thanks for doing this! :)
I dropped at c15 through no fault of your own; it's written quite well, and it's quite engaging.
I've just read too many of these types of novels, and I don't feel like reading another. Again, this is a me-problem, not a you-problem, so I still gave you a 5* review, since that's what it deserves.
I will nitpick on your lack of commas. You have several run-on sentences (a bit more than 1 average per chapter, getting worse in later chapters) and you don't use commas when characters are calling out other characters, which is standard in both speech and writing. (e.g. of proper usage: "Mel, come here!" or "Come here, Mel!") You even have a comma spliced sentence where you have that problem.
Like I said to the last 2 guys, it's something easily fixed with a proofread.
 

deltanz

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
39
Points
23
Different DxD Revamped -

I'm not sure how well you'll like it or if its even your style of story, if its not thats fine too, but this is a FF story for High School DxD and one of my better stories imo. First couple chapters aren't written that well but I believe it gets better after that.

Edit: You don't need to have much knowledge about DxD to get most of the story since except for events its mostly based in an AU world but i might be wrong on that too, not needing knowledge.
 

Localforeigner

Active member
Joined
Jan 30, 2021
Messages
145
Points
28
Don't know if it's your cup of tea, but I'll toss mine in here for review. Thank you!

Link is in the sig.
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Shamelys Ultima, Ai-chan is scared but would you roast Ai-chan's The Hounds of Hell and Age of Gods Online? Ai-chan heart is not ready, but Ai-chan will read your roast with one eye open!

AGO Feedback:
Dropped in the middle of c1.
It suffers from 3 main things:
  1. Starting with worldbuilding
  2. Introducing too many characters at once
  3. Too much dialogue
1. Don't start with worldbuilding; it isn't interesting. I'm a worldbuilder myself, and I know how tempting it is to write about the worlds we create. However, it is borderline boring for readers if they are not invested into the story yet. Have your action scene come first.
2. Your action scene has a whole party fighting, and you name everyone. My memory isn't good enough for that, so it becomes a mess of confusing words that I don't understand. Just name the main character to start off with, then continue introducing characters at a steady pace later on. You don't have to name a character to have them be in the action.
3. Your whole chapter suffers this problem. The action scene is half people speaking. Describe the action more. What cool, flashy moves are the characters doing? How are the other characters reacting to said moves? And then after the action scene, it's almost pure dialogue. Space it out. What is the main character doing while she's speaking? What is the main character feeling while she's speaking?

HOH Feedback:
Dropped at c1.
This one is better. I like the dream at the beginning, especially the first 3 lines: it gets me interested in the rest of the novel. It could use some more text other than the dialogue, like the rest of the chapter. Speaking of the rest of the chapter, it doesn't suffer from the same problems the first novel did. It has good pacing, and I actually became interested in the story.
Why did I drop at c1 then?
I was considering about reading the next chapter. However, just look at this quote.
As she crossed the bed, the contents of her school blouse jiggled from side to side, inadvertenly drawing his eyes towards the jiggling twin pieces of meat and fat covered in a school uniform
What the fuck is this. This is among the worst examples of describing breasts I have ever seen, and I frequent r/menwritingwomen. If you want to have the main character be a big pervert, there are better ways to do it than to remind me of steak. This one line entirely broke my immersion and made me question my sanity.
 

Ai-chan

Queen of Yuri Devourer of Traps
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
547
Points
133
AGO Feedback:
Dropped in the middle of c1.
It suffers from 3 main things:
  1. Starting with worldbuilding
  2. Introducing too many characters at once
  3. Too much dialogue
1. Don't start with worldbuilding; it isn't interesting. I'm a worldbuilder myself, and I know how tempting it is to write about the worlds we create. However, it is borderline boring for readers if they are not invested into the story yet. Have your action scene come first.
2. Your action scene has a whole party fighting, and you name everyone. My memory isn't good enough for that, so it becomes a mess of confusing words that I don't understand. Just name the main character to start off with, then continue introducing characters at a steady pace later on. You don't have to name a character to have them be in the action.
3. Your whole chapter suffers this problem. The action scene is half people speaking. Describe the action more. What cool, flashy moves are the characters doing? How are the other characters reacting to said moves? And then after the action scene, it's almost pure dialogue. Space it out. What is the main character doing while she's speaking? What is the main character feeling while she's speaking?

HOH Feedback:
Dropped at c1.
This one is better. I like the dream at the beginning, especially the first 3 lines: it gets me interested in the rest of the novel. It could use some more text other than the dialogue, like the rest of the chapter. Speaking of the rest of the chapter, it doesn't suffer from the same problems the first novel did. It has good pacing, and I actually became interested in the story.
Why did I drop at c1 then?
I was considering about reading the next chapter. However, just look at this quote.

What the fuck is this. This is among the worst examples of describing breasts I have ever seen, and I frequent r/menwritingwomen. If you want to have the main character be a big pervert, there are better ways to do it than to remind me of steak. This one line entirely broke my immersion and made me question my sanity.
Thanks for the review. Hum hum so that's what people think of those books. Alright, Ai-chan will go have a look again.

EDIT: Well, Ai-chan reread the section you mentioned and while Ai-chan thanks you for the honest review, Ai-chan won't change it. Carl was indeed a kind of pervert who desired the morsel that his sister offered and was both interested by it and also disgusted of his desires at the same time. He was tormented by what he desired but could not acquire due to the taboo from society.

Ai-chan is sorry that it provides the visual of a steak for you, but it was not meant to be steak, but an unobtainable morsel that made him disgusted with himself for desiring it. Ai-chan didn't meant it to be the visualization of a steak, but Ai-chan can understand why it gives you that image. Maybe Ai-chan will make some small changes to that part in the future, but it won't be anything particularly different, except to make it read easier.
 
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Auksoun

Partially dead
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
189
Points
63
Can I get a review on the first chapter? (signature) (rookie writer)
 
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