Free Story Criticisms

Alkareel

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Is it alright to post two?
 

Assurbanipal_II

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:blob_paint: Free reviews! Thx, for your potential dedication and gesture!

Just access the banners below. :blob_hide:
 

RFNasua

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Hello! Thank you for doing this! Here is mine. Hope you'll have a good time with it.

 

Lys

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I am literally clenching my ass cheeks so hard it could probably pass as obsidian. GO HARD ON MY BABY AND MAKE SURE IT BLEEDS.

Dropped in the middle of c2 because I got bored of the excessive worldbuilding. I was also more than slightly confused about the characters. I thought they were normal animals til you wrote that a camel had an *arm* and a cow had boobs and glasses.
I'd cut off a little on the worldbuilding; fuck if I care about some random lion. I want to read about the main character. And it'd also help to describe how the characters look and how they're different from normal animals a bit more.
 

Redchaos1

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Here is mine
 

BenJepheneT

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Dropped in the middle of c2 because I got bored of the excessive worldbuilding.
I'd cut off a little on the worldbuilding; fuck if I care about some random lion. I want to read about the main character.
Yeah, I can see why. In my defense, the world-building DOES serve to the story in the future. The random lion draws parallel for what's next to come for the main character. It's less world-building but more like foreshadowing but still, I definitely understand where you're coming from. It's a problem I've addressed in the past. I've cut down in this HEAVILY in the future chapters but I won't pressure you on that. If I ever attempt a rewrite I'll definitely cut this part short.

I was also more than slightly confused about the characters. I thought they were normal animals til you wrote that a camel had an *arm* and a cow had boobs and glasses.
And it'd also help to describe how the characters look and how they're different from normal animals a bit more.
Hmmm, I've never had that problem before. Most people step in and just acknowledge that they're reading about anthropomorphic animals and keep going. I guess this is something I can improve on as well. I keep these issues in mind if I ever write a future series.
 
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Lys

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Hmmm, I've never had that problem before. Most people step in and just acknowledge that they're reading about anthropomorphic animals and keep going. I guess this is something I can improve on as well. I keep these issues in mind if I ever write a future series.
I suppose this comes from me not reading the synopsis/being new to the genre, which probably won't be the case for most of your readers(?)
And I think worldbuilding is fine, especially if it's related to the plot. Except it's a web serial, and I have 0 expectations for the story. If I liked one of your previous serials/paid for the book, I would probably read through it. However, it is a web serial, and I, as a reader, don't have the attention span to go through what I find boring. What I find boring is almost purely subjective, yes, but long worldbuilding before the reader's fully invested into the story is a pretty big no-no. I'd put it off 'til about chapter 3 or so.
Another thing I was confused about was how Shiro is like "am I dead?" when he first arrives at the academy, but then he seems to have full knowledge of how he got there when he replies "by car" and the other animals were talking about the limo? Did I miss something somewhere?
 

BenJepheneT

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but long worldbuilding before the reader's fully invested into the story is a pretty big no-no.
Well, I had a series before this that was basically another story with the same characters with different themes and plot. This is essentially a rewrite. So yes, you are right in some degree: I had a reader-base; if you could count that. It's probably 2 guys, but I love those 2 guys man they must've stuck with me for a year or two already.

Another thing I was confused about was how Shiro is like "am I dead?" when he first arrives at the academy, but then he seems to have full knowledge of how he got there when he replies "by car" and the other animals were talking about the limo? Did I miss something somewhere?
The "dead" line was supposed to show disorientation WHILST chugging along with the pacing of the last paragraph before the time skip. I guess you could chalk it up as a poor attempt at prose and abstract writing. The "car" was a first-hand demonstration of Shiro's lack of understanding towards the modern world and was supposed to be a clue to his past; that he didn't exactly grow up in a good place. This trait is further drawn out in later chapters, as he tried to fiddle with kitchen appliances and a smartphone.

Like I said, probably poor prose and timing on my part. I guess what my past self wanted to portray within that change of line is a subtle, tiny hint towards what's to come for Shiro's character, and a tiny clue for readers to spot on once they've understood the context.
 

Lys

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Not sure if this fits your typical preference but I just started posting on here recently and this sounds awesome. Thanks for taking the time to do this!

Unluckily for you, I am a grammar nazi. If I'm not too interested in the premise (subjective) and the story has bad grammar, I drop.
At the end of c1, I was debating whether to continue. I decided not to.
You have 3 mechanics errors that I could spot (proofread your chapters, please), and you switch tenses to signify the narrator's thoughts when it could easily be worked into the narration. Example:
As he slowly unzipped his pants, his member came into full view. It's so big, the largest I've ever seen! - bad, should be avoided when possible. The switch in tenses feels slightly jarring for the reader.
As he slowly unzipped his pants, his member came into full view. It was so big, the largest I'd ever seen! - good, conveys the same meaning while being easier to read
 

Volatis

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Unluckily for you, I am a grammar nazi. If I'm not too interested in the premise (subjective) and the story has bad grammar, I drop.
At the end of c1, I was debating whether to continue. I decided not to.
You have 3 mechanics errors that I could spot (proofread your chapters, please), and you switch tenses to signify the narrator's thoughts when it could easily be worked into the narration. Example:
As he slowly unzipped his pants, his member came into full view. It's so big, the largest I've ever seen! - bad, should be avoided when possible. The switch in tenses feels slightly jarring for the reader.
As he slowly unzipped his pants, his member came into full view. It was so big, the largest I'd ever seen! - good, conveys the same meaning while being easier to read
Alright, no worries. Thanks for giving it a try. And that given example lol. Figured it was out of your field of preference.
 

JYLewis

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Well since you asked for it. Here is mine in signature. I have it up here on Scribblehub also until chapter 5.


A dance of Mortals and Immortals. Factions war and a eternal conflict as old as the world rages and plots brew.
Minako Rize is born with eyes hated by others. Rejected by the world she will forge her own path in this world where mortals dance at the whims of gods and goddesses.
Events will follow that will shake the earth and heavens to their core.

See signature for link. Let me know what you think.
 

Lys

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Well then, time to advocate for more Monke stories... Go hard on it please! <(_ _)>
Dropped in the middle of c1.
  1. The first line already bores me. I've seen maybe three million reincarnation stories, most of them shit, so what makes yours different? I have no idea, except for the fact that the dude has something to do with a gorilla. Okay, but these days, every isekai has some strange attention-grabber. Your first line makes me think that this is another of those shit isekais. Make your first line impactful, intriguing, unique, or funny. Make me interested in what the rest of your c1 has to offer; your c1 can be the most amazing c1 on this planet and not matter because the reader got bored after the first paragraph. There are many resources available online on how to write a good opening hook: use them.
  2. You switch tenses for no reason. Yes, it's first person. Yes, first person allows the author to use present tense when writing the narrator's thoughts. However, that does not mean that you should switch to first person every other paragraph. Work the narrator's direct thoughts into the narrative instead. I gave an example on my last review; check that out.
  3. I spent about 20 mins thinking over how to word this 3rd point. I've gotten nowhere. Basically, your writing feels like mine when I was in 7th grade. I suppose it's not entirely a bad thing; several popular web serials feel like this. The only advice I can really give is to read more published books. Preferably not YA.
 

LostLibrarian

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Time to have someone trample all over my heart :D
Though it's "another reincarnation story", so it might be out of your target zone.

If you prefer something short with all these stories: There is also a short story, that needs more criticism, because I want to edit it at some point:
 

Lys

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Time to have someone trample all over my heart :D
Though it's "another reincarnation story", so it might be out of your target zone.

If you prefer something short with all these stories: There is also a short story, that needs more criticism, because I want to edit it at some point:
Believe it or not, I like reading isekais. Jobless Reincarnation, Lord of the Mysteries, and Re: Zero are all amazing. I'm just picky about the junk food I eat.

My best just happens to be my worst. Click the picture below when you have some free time.
lol I love how this one is the complete opposite of the previous one. I can't help but feel that your prologue is a bit over-the-top in its prose, though that too is subjective.
You should proofread c2. Like really really. The mistakes got distracting enough that I dropped. The prologue and c1 are almost entirely fine; I have no clue why c2 is so bad.
Alt + 0151 (on the numpad) is an em dash—looks better than double hyphens.
 

IAmGuavaFruit

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The first line already bores me. I've seen maybe three million reincarnation stories, most of them shit, so what makes yours different? I have no idea, except for the fact that the dude has something to do with a gorilla. Okay, but these days, every isekai has some strange attention-grabber. Your first line makes me think that this is another of those shit isekais. Make your first line impactful, intriguing, unique, or funny. Make me interested in what the rest of your c1 has to offer; your c1 can be the most amazing c1 on this planet and not matter because the reader got bored after the first paragraph. There are many resources available online on how to write a good opening hook: use them.
Yep, thought that would turn readers away. I've read one too many of them, and most of them had this line, especially if they were LitRPG or GameLit. But too late, I guess, I wrote the first chapter at the dead of night, and thought '**** it and went ahead with posting it anyway.'
You switch tenses for no reason. Yes, it's first person. Yes, first person allows the author to use present tense when writing the narrator's thoughts. However, that does not mean that you should switch to first person every other paragraph. Work the narrator's direct thoughts into the narrative instead. I gave an example on my last review; check that out.
Yeah, I'm no grammar nazi, but this is very insightful to my writing skills. I may have wrote tons of fictions, but the most I'm skilled with is 3rd person, but I'm working with 1st person now, since this fic is MC-centric, so your advice will be extremely helpful. I just can't seem to grasp writing them properly due to how unorganized my thoughts are everytime I do something. Has to do with something with my mentality... I dunno...
I spent about 20 mins thinking over how to word this 3rd point. I've gotten nowhere. Basically, your writing feels like mine when I was in 7th grade. I suppose it's not entirely a bad thing; several popular web serials feel like this. The only advice I can really give is to read more published books. Preferably not YA.
Hm... well, I mostly don't read those since I'm stuck in fanfiction, but hey, there are writing styles similar to those in what I read, and I can use them as reference. I'll try to experiment with the next chapter.

Once again, thanks for the helpful feedback (seriously, I've been waiting for criticism like this for a long time). Have fun in your next endeavors to review other fictions!

Edit: Had a problem with the quote feature... still new to forums.
 
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TheTrinary

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Believe it or not, I like reading isekais. Jobless Reincarnation, Lord of the Mysteries, and Re: Zero are all amazing. I'm just picky about the junk food I eat.


lol I love how this one is the complete opposite of the previous one. I can't help but feel that your prologue is a bit over-the-top in its prose, though that too is subjective.
You should proofread c2. Like really really. The mistakes got distracting enough that I dropped. The prologue and c1 are almost entirely fine; I have no clue why c2 is so bad.
Alt + 0151 (on the numpad) is an em dash—looks better than double hyphens.
I'll take a look at it. I've uploaded rough drafts before.

And good advice on the em dash. I literally had no clue and I guess I've been too lazy to check it out.

EDIT: I found one formatting issue one this website's end with the copy past that smooshed two dialogues together and put weird spacing here and there. Other than that, I wasn't able to find any mistakes. Like I don't want to ask you to do a bunch of work, but could you give me one or two examples with what you thought was wrong?
 
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yunano34a1

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Please review mine! Although, I've been focusing more on art recently 1613001792877.png

You can either click the image or my signature below to redirect you to my novel
 

Lys

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I'll take a look at it. I've uploaded rough drafts before.

And good advice on the em dash. I literally had no clue and I guess I've been too lazy to check it out.

EDIT: I found one formatting issue one this website's end with the copy past that smooshed two dialogues together and put weird spacing here and there. Other than that, I wasn't able to find any mistakes. Like I don't want to ask you to do a bunch of work, but could you give me one or two examples with what you thought was wrong?

And so it was that he and his brother, Kael, heaved the downgraded Person in Black from the back of the pickup truck and shifted him between them.
No commas needed; "Kael" is an essential element. Also, this sentence is worded weirdly, especially the first part. https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/commas/commas_with_nonessential_elements.html
Kael shrugged. With the boy's feet in his hands, this amounted little more than turtling his neck downwards to give the appearance of his shoulders rising.
this amounted -> the shrug amounted to
"This" is slightly unclear on what it's referring to.
As they made it up to the porch, the door burst open and the old farmer stormed out to meet them. His mouth opened but words failed to compose as he looked down on the Person in Black.
2 run-on sentences.
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/commas/index.html (rule 1)
I would also say that "words failed to compose" is a slightly odd phrasing, but that's honestly entirely subjective.
He bent down and whispered, “can you get me some snow? The coldest you can find.”
Capitalize "can."
Joshua circled the boy, unconscious and bleeding but still alive, in the chair like a swarm of scavenging egree, even if he lacked their silvery glow.
I had to read this twice to understand what you were trying to say. Consider rewording out the "unconscious and bleeding but still alive" part into a different sentence. Also, the last bit should be reworded to have no pronouns since the "he" is vague, and nobody knows what an egree is to instantly connect it with having a silvery glow.
Actually, as Joshua examined that comparison in his head, there was an uncountable number of animals he could draw that comparison.
*were

Alright, I have other things to do, but hopefully you get the point.
 
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