Free Story Criticisms

TheTrinary

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
579
Points
93
No commas needed; "Kael" is an essential element. Also, this sentence is worded weirdly, especially the first part. https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/commas/commas_with_nonessential_elements.html

this amounted -> the shrug amounted to
"This" is slightly unclear on what it's referring to.

2 run-on sentences.
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/commas/index.html (rule 1)
I would also say that "words failed to compose" is a slightly odd phrasing, but that's honestly entirely subjective.

Capitalize "can."

I had to read this twice to understand what you were trying to say. Consider rewording out the "unconscious and bleeding but still alive" part into a different sentence. Also, the last bit should be reworded to have no pronouns since the "he" is vague, and nobody knows what an egree is to instantly connect it with having a silvery glow.

*were

Alright, I have other things to do, but hopefully you get the point.
Mmmm. Some of this was helpful. Moderately awkward sentences here and there, although those aren't "mistakes". You are, however, flat out wrong in terms of the run-on sentence and use of was/were.

In academic writing you would always use the comma there, but in artistic writing, the flow and feel of the prose matters way more. Every professional author on the planet uses two independent clauses combined with a linking word but no comma. It should be in every writer's repertoire. We're writing stories not dictionary entries.

There were/ there was is modified by the following noun it modifies. In this instance the noun is number— singular. There was a number. Not there were a number. (It's an awkward case that doesn't feel natural. But I'm right in my use.)

Its frustrating for someone to tell you you made dozens of mistakes when the only thing you did wrong was not capitalize a single world. If you don't like the style, say that. Don't be dismissive and say that a writing style is objectively wrong.
 

michelleleeee

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2021
Messages
4
Points
1
Hi Lys, If you are still reading and is interested in BL (or not?), Would you please take a look at my novel? It is still new, but any feedback would be helpful to me.
-Michelle

Heaven's Chosen [BL]
sh.jpg
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Mmmm. Some of this was helpful. Moderately awkward sentences here and there, although those aren't "mistakes". You are, however, flat out wrong in terms of the run-on sentence and use of was/were.

In academic writing you would always use the comma there, but in artistic writing, the flow and feel of the prose matters way more. Every professional author on the planet uses two independent clauses combined with a linking word but no comma. It should be in every writer's repertoire. We're writing stories not dictionary entries.

There were/ there was is modified by the following noun it modifies. In this instance the noun is number— singular. There was a number. Not there were a number. (It's an awkward case that doesn't feel natural. But I'm right in my use.)

Its frustrating for someone to tell you you made dozens of mistakes when the only thing you did wrong was not capitalize a single world. If you don't like the style, say that. Don't be dismissive and say that a writing style is objectively wrong.
You're right. Your story is amazing, the best in the world. It's very original with impeccable writing and unique characters. I can't say anything bad about it, for it's just that good. Rejoice. It will soon be adapted into a TV seriers that will make you a millionaire. You will be a famous author, hailed as even better than Dickens and Twain.
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Different DxD Revamped -

I'm not sure how well you'll like it or if its even your style of story, if its not thats fine too, but this is a FF story for High School DxD and one of my better stories imo. First couple chapters aren't written that well but I believe it gets better after that.

Edit: You don't need to have much knowledge about DxD to get most of the story since except for events its mostly based in an AU world but i might be wrong on that too, not needing knowledge.
Dropped after the 2nd paragraph.
Reason: You desperately need a proofreader.
Edit: Actually, awkward phrasing, comma splicing, and ommitting commas are perfectly okay; it's all just artistic flair. Keep on doing what you do.
 
Last edited:

TheTrinary

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
579
Points
93
You're right. Your story is amazing, the best in the world. It's very original with impeccable writing and unique characters. I can't say anything bad about it, for it's just that good. Rejoice. It will soon be adapted into a TV seriers that will make you a millionaire. You will be a famous author, hailed as even better than Dickens and Twain.
Someone can't take criticism. Ironic.
 

CypherTails

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2021
Messages
29
Points
3

Tell me what you think, first time writing in first person POV so any criticisms would be good. I suspect my opening hook isn't good enough along with a slightly awkward start and the opening chapters are a bit rushed. Probably a few grammar mistakes in there as well. There's one critic where the relationship develops too quickly which I do agree with.

Thanks in advance if you decide to have a look. (y)
 
Last edited:

deltanz

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
39
Points
23
Dropped after the 2nd paragraph.
Reason: You desperately need a proofreader.
Edit: Actually, awkward phrasing, comma splicing, and ommitting commas are perfectly okay; it's all just artistic flair. Keep on doing what you do.
Yeah the first 2 chapters aren’t that great for the stuff you mentioned but I think I got better in ch3 and above thoigh I might be wrong. That is an issue I know I deal with already.
 

TheTrinary

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
579
Points
93
Agreed. I am the most stupid person in this world that can't see the height of your glory and how amazing your writing style is.
And you left a 1 star review after this post. You can review bomb me all you want. Sorry I corrected your grammar in a post where you literally called work bad because you both thought your opinion = grammar and the grammar you knew was objectively incorrect.
 
Last edited:

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Yeah the first 2 chapters aren’t that great for the stuff you mentioned but I think I got better in ch3 and above thoigh I might be wrong. That is an issue I know I deal with already.
Going back and editing previous chapter never hurts.
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Don't know if it's your cup of tea, but I'll toss mine in here for review. Thank you!

Link is in the sig.
I really hope you're writing this for yourself because if you're writing this to get popular on SH, you chose the wrong genres.
Add: reincarnation, transmigration, alternative universe transportation, or second chance tropes to your main character. Add one or multiple of: litrpg, isekai/harem, smut, or genderbender/gl. Write a Japanese-style title (optional). Congratulations on 200 readers.
 

Localforeigner

Active member
Joined
Jan 30, 2021
Messages
145
Points
28
I really hope you're writing this for yourself because if you're writing this to get popular on SH, you chose the wrong genres.
Add: reincarnation, transmigration, alternative universe transportation, or second chance tropes to your main character. Add one or multiple of: litrpg, isekai/harem, smut, or genderbender/gl. Write a Japanese-style title (optional). Congratulations on 200 readers.
Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah, I write for myself. Not looking "to get popular", though I suppose that would be nice. I realize it's not like many of the stories on here, but hey ho. If you know of a Web hosting site that would be better suited, please let me know.
 

Malonymous

Writer of fake *and* real villainess noble girls~
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
128
Points
63
Besides a few odd shifts in tense in Chapter 1 and a few mechanics errors that you could fix with a reread or two, I have no complaints.
Enjoy your 5* review.
Many thanks! :blob_melt: I've caught some stuff doing more proofreading when I've had time this week, and keeping internal monologue in the past tense is something I'm working on. I actually reread every chapter a few times before posting, but there's that thing where a sentence can sound normal to the writer but might be slightly confusing/jarring for someone else, you know? I often enjoy proofreading to the extent that I do, and I'd like to say I spend much more time proofreading than the average bear, so for the sake of leveling up I'm curious what examples you meant by obvious mistakes? I bet one could say that most novels have those lol. Also

While the writing is amateurish with a few obvious mistakes, it's hardly noticeable unless you're a grammar nazi, like me.

Okay, I've gotta stop you right there! I have to ask, what is your criteria for amateurish writing here :blob_happy: I mean, I think I get what you meant if it's about the intentionally comedic and casual style rather than a lot of prim and proper formal prose, or maybe that's not it? But I feel like that comment could apply to 99% of web novels out there just by nature of being written by amateurs writing for fun and not by professionals, so I'm just wondering if there's something specific there lol

I'm also glad you vibed with the "sarcastic piece of sh*t" narrator! :blobrofl: I totally get you there, although I might be mildly curious which parts resonated with you most to give that impression. Having a snarky MC was kind of the point; I've just gotten other feedback that the protagonist could get grating, so would you generally recommend authors to be careful not going too overboard with that kind of thing, or should authors just go with whatever the heck with sarcasm if that's the theme because why not?

Thanks again for doing this! :blob_aww: You're also the first to point out the KonoSuba inspiration~ I think it would be fun to try one of these threads eventually, but I need to get back into writing :sweating_profusely:
 
Last edited:

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah, I write for myself. Not looking "to get popular", though I suppose that would be nice. I realize it's not like many of the stories on here, but hey ho. If you know of a Web hosting site that would be better suited, please let me know.
Possibly Wattpad?
What's popular on different online writing sites:
Wattpad - YA, something similar to Twilight
SH - isekai, smut, gl
RoyalRoad - JP/KR-style litrpg, isekai
Webnovel - CN-style system
FanFiction - fanfictions
Those are the ones that I know; they're probably more out there.
 

Lys

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
44
Points
58
Can I get a review on the first chapter? (signature) (rookie writer)
The opening lines are kinda meh. You should cut basically everything before
„We have to get out of here.“ My mum gripped me by my hand and pulled me out of bed, dragging me to the door without any further explanation.
Are you not a native English speaker? Several parts have awkward wording, and you use ,,these" instead of "these" or 'these', which are standard American and British English respectively.
 
Top