Gabrielle's Creative Corner Cafe!

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Well hello there! Come on in and have a seat. Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Gabrielle! A simple and mostly humble owner of this lovely establishment and local author. Not only do I serve lovely teas and rich coffee; I happen to, on occasion, give literary advice to fellow authors that don't mind the ramblings of an older woman.

Since I enjoy a certain atmosphere within these calm walls, I have a few rules that I insist upon, before providing my editorial assistance.

-1- Your lovely work must be on Scribble Hub. I'm too old to chase down links all over the internet. I'd rather sit and drink my tea.

-2- No AI please. It's hard enough for me to work the apps on my phone or get ignored when I'm trying to get support from an automated voice. I'm not doing it in my cafe. I want real coffee, tea and creamer.

-3- I will typically pick about three chapters at random so I get a feel for your writing as it has progressed.

-4- No free refills. Unless there's a compelling reason, I'm only going to have time to review your story once. I am an author after all, and have to write my own things!

-5- Bee nice. Yes, as in honeybee. It's not going to harm your ego to be sweet as honey.

-6- Do not give me things to read that are not compliant with the content guidelines.

A little "Hey Gabrielle or Dear Gabrielle" to start will be lovely.

I will rate things based on your preference of either tea or coffee. Pick a flavor, but it has to be tea or coffee.

Be Well everyone! Let the links flow.

-Gabrielle
 
Last edited:

K_Jira

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2021
Messages
215
Points
83
Dear Gabrielle,

I would love to have a taste of your lovely tea. Here is the humble desert that I can offer. If it's not to your taste, then please don't worry, because I'm aware BL doesn't suit everyone's pallate :meowsip:

Love, Jira
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Dear Gabrielle,

I would love to have a taste of your lovely tea. Here is the humble desert that I can offer. If it's not to your taste, then please don't worry, because I'm aware BL doesn't suit everyone's pallate :meowsip:

Love, Jira
Pull up a chair my new friend.
I'll take a read of what you've got and we will discuss it after. Thanks for coming in!
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Jira!

It was a pleasure to read your story. For the purpose of tea time, Chapters 1, 20, and 60 were used. I also read the synopsis.

Chapter 1 was an absolute breeze to read. You know who the main character is, what they do and how they do it before the end of the chapter. You also explained your futuristic nanotechnology so it was easy to grasp without much in the way of over explanation. It's very clear that the chapter is going to setup the "rescue" of the Youthful General due to an infiltration of his mind from their dastardly enemy! I didn't see any glaring editing needs, I understood it and did in fact want to see how the MC was gonna rescue the general.

“Let me first inform you of the procedure before we start. After we put you under, we will install a vulture detection system into your neural chip before linking you to General Zhou. Once you’re inside General Zhou’s neural space, you’ll be able to locate the vulture wherever it is. But remember, only General Zhou can and should terminate it. If you forcefully do it yourself, you’ll damage General Zhou’s neurons.”

“Why do you think I’m here?” Shen Yuan entered the empty pod next to Zhou Yi’s and lay down. “Let’s get this over with.”
This was a lovely amount of confidence and arrogance. Fits how I saw the MC. Nice work.

Chapter 20:
Like the previous chapter, this was easy to follow even though I skipped 19 chapters.
You know that it's the main character again, this time in the midst of an upcoming festival or later find out a trial of some kind. Given your attention to detail I witnessed in chapter 1, I'm sure the full understanding of prior to this moment. The "buzz" as you even called it, was minor compared to the Main character and this prince. Again, the interaction is great. You can tell that they are both comfortable with one another and in love. Or at least very infatuated.
Much like before the main character has this arrogance that is very apparent, but not in a bad way.

My only complaint was the start of using ellipsis as a "deadpan" or "thought".
I'm not a fan of : "..." To show a look. The reader is better off knowing exactly how the other character is acting. You took the time to detail other actions, don't stop just because there's a silence or silly look. Tell us.

Loved the ending where the MC is pushing his way again. "Hire me or else."

Aside from that, just minor quips about word choices. Like saying "knelt down." Well yeah, I'm not aware of being able to kneel any other way. I would just say "knelt."

So lovely work.

Chapter 60
It was a very big leap in the story so it took a little bit to get caught up. But like normal, your easy, yet detailed approach to the chapter made it a breeze to know what had just occurred. Main Character is waking up from a specter attack. My mind immediately wanted to know what the heck you saw them like. Which you kindly give during the chapter. (Not gonna spoil the fun).
As for the cat? I think all cats want humans dead, so it tracks. I liked the main characters new eating habit, which I'll also not say aloud.

It's a very good section. Minor quips - most numbers are spelled out rather than just shoved in the text. Like, 3.90 becomes three dollars and ninety cents. Of course you once again used the dreaded "..." But in reference to the cat. That really should get cleaned up. Maybe a meow like after, but a cat is an animal and unless it's a version of 'Animal Farm' or something I missed from the other chapters, typically animals don't talk or show emotions.

So overall,
Since I went for more tea a few times reading, I'll give you 5/5 cups ☕
Keep up the great work, I'll add it to my reading list and get to it when I have more time.
 
Last edited:

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Well, if you're really bored and can see my signature, feel free to check out anything listed there. If not, then eh - seems like a fun thread at least.
Shame on you Charlie B.
You're supposed to say dear Gabrielle...but since I like you, I'll make you some jasmine tea, roll a d20 and see which book to read. So you're accepted.
 

sbdrag

Active member
Joined
Oct 16, 2024
Messages
74
Points
33
Dear Gabrielle,

I am very intrigued by the prospect of three chapters being picked at random out of over a hundred for a review. I know it's not in your rules for things you dislike, but if you would like to know which chapters have explicit content to skip I would be happy to provide that information (they do still have plot relevance, but I understand if that's not your cup of tea 😉 when picking random chapters out of a work).

As a note, "side story" chapters deviate from the main story by exploring the perspective of a character besides the MC, and usually covering events that happen outside his purview, so will not give much insight into the main story. You can still pick one if you like, ha ha, but I thought I would mention it for your awareness.

That said, I would love an Irish cream coffee, please!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1261463/demon-kings-gardener/
 

Cosmictapestry

Definitely a Pickler
Joined
Jan 2, 2024
Messages
170
Points
108
Not a request for review but I just want to say I once got feedback from Gabrielle and it was incredibly helpful to me.
She didn’t lean into subjective or overly opinionated feedback, which I really appreciated. Instead, she offered thoughtful and fact-based insights.

Writers, you’re in very good hands.
Here's a coffee:coffee:
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Dear Gabrielle,

I am very intrigued by the prospect of three chapters being picked at random out of over a hundred for a review. I know it's not in your rules for things you dislike, but if you would like to know which chapters have explicit content to skip I would be happy to provide that information (they do still have plot relevance, but I understand if that's not your cup of tea 😉 when picking random chapters out of a work).

As a note, "side story" chapters deviate from the main story by exploring the perspective of a character besides the MC, and usually covering events that happen outside his purview, so will not give much insight into the main story. You can still pick one if you like, ha ha, but I thought I would mention it for your awareness.

That said, I would love an Irish cream coffee, please!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1261463/demon-kings-gardener/
SBDrag!

Welcome to the corner Cafe! Irish Creme is on the menu, and I'll slide a little Irish spice.

An an erotica writer myself, I don't have any issue with explicit scenes. So I'll look over things and get back to you. Have a seat and gab with me!
Not a request for review but I just want to say I once got feedback from Gabrielle and it was incredibly helpful to me.
She didn’t lean into subjective or overly opinionated feedback, which I really appreciated. Instead, she offered thoughtful and fact-based insights.

Writers, you’re in very good hands.
Here's a coffee:coffee:
Too kind.
I want writers to write. I think we all have an honest story to tell, it's just getting the bravery to do it.
Half the journey is seeing where your mind takes you in the moment.
Is in those moments I think an author will thrive. It takes an editor to shape what's there.
🌷
 
Last edited:
Joined
Sep 27, 2024
Messages
79
Points
18
Hello and Dear Gabrielle,

I would really appreciate if you took a glance at my LitRPG story. Also, I know where I'm lacking and I'm trying to improve.

 

AdOtherwise

Owl Who Reads · Hoot Hoot
Joined
Apr 8, 2023
Messages
120
Points
83
Well hello there! Come on in and have a seat. Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Gabrielle! A simple and mostly humble owner of this lovely establishment and local author. Not only do I serve lovely teas and rich coffee; I happen to, on occasion, give literary advice to fellow authors that don't mind the ramblings of an older woman.

Since I enjoy a certain atmosphere within these calm walls, I have a few rules that I insist upon, before providing my editorial assistance.

-1- Your lovely work must be on Scribble Hub. I'm too old to chase down links all over the internet. I'd rather sit and drink my tea.

-2- No AI please. It's hard enough for me to work the apps on my phone or get ignored when I'm trying to get support from an automated voice. I'm not doing it in my cafe. I want real coffee, tea and creamer.

-3- I will typically pick about three chapters at random so I get a feel for your writing as it has progressed.

-4- No free refills. Unless there's a compelling reason, I'm only going to have time to review your story once. I am an author after all, and have to write my own things!

-5- Bee nice. Yes, as in honeybee. It's not going to harm your ego to be sweet as honey.

-6- Do not give me things to read that are not compliant with the content guidelines.

A little "Hey Gabrielle or Dear Gabrielle" to start will be lovely.

I will rate things based on your preference of either tea or coffee. Pick a flavor, but it has to be tea or coffee.

Be Well everyone! Let the links flow.

-Gabrielle
Hey Gabrielle, I absolutely love how you introduced yourself and would love for you to give my story a few remarks. I hope you enjoy it or at the very least find it interesting.

 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Well, if you're really bored and can see my signature, feel free to check out anything listed there. If not, then eh - seems like a fun thread at least.
Hello there Charlie!
I have picked a book at random and I am glad I did.
Nothing like getting into a murder mystery!
While I sat here drinking my Irish coffee, I picked
-Casebook One
-The Diner
-Complications

-Casebook One:
Its an incredibly short read and that's it's strength. You setup the whole premise within those few paragraphs. You give us a little history.. Ie..the main character is an actor that's been playing his father on a crime show, give his pseudonym and the reason for it, then set the expectation that "Lance" is telling the story much like Watson does with Holmes. So great work. Clear, concise work that draws the reader in. If there are any drawbacks it's possibly out of place wording, but that's not really bad. I would order the "who I am" line and find a way to remove the parentheses, incorporate those thoughts into the narrative. But again, minor. Easily bypassed since the rest is lovely.

-The Diner.
You get the sense of what everything is pretty much off the bat. You go into the obvious horrible scent within the diner and it's the main investigator that shows her skill immediately. You blended in her ability and didn't just "tell us". Loved it.

It was only after the Lead on the case discussed the drugs, that I wanted to know what the time setting was. Because many places have that particular drug legalized now. But even ten years ago, it was still frowned upon, but seldom enforced.

Again small detail that shows I was interested. A very macabre scene and an equally repulsive homeless guy.

“Yeah, well, see, I was making my, ah, rounds, see,” he began. Dina glanced at me and rolled her eyes, impatient for him to get to the point. “This alley is good, see, there’s three food places that dump stuff, see? The last one closes up around one AM, so that is when I try to hit it, see? Sometimes, see, they give me leftovers at that one if I catch ‘em while cleanin’ up, see?”
This shows me the interest in your story. I don't know many authors that would give a toss away character a quirk personality like this. I liked it - see?

There are paragraphs that seem a tiny bit out of order, but they work. When I write, I do my best to keep same idea sets together. But that's a personal preference. What you have is good. It's in the moment. You knew that the characters are both human and detectives.

The scene and it's layout are lovely. I wanted to keep reading.

-Complications.
This chapter is how I could hear crime scene techs being towards one another. They are the people that lay out the puzzle and match colors. Which you have done with care. These two go into forensics without making it sound overly scientific. You keep it easy for the reader. You get the important parts out - such as the killing blow, the odd location of the blood spatter and their confusion as to how it was accomplished.

What's more is that your lead detective, also poses a thought which the techs gladly try and tackle. Without giving away the chapter, I'll say I liked the flow. It's the same as the others, you are consistent.

If I had any real issue, it's the use of "at that." On thy end of a few sentences. It's not necessary. I can't find one currently, or I would have linked it.

Beyond that, maybe clear up some order issues. Your jokes are timed well and the flirting is well done.

Mister Charles, I'm going to give "True Blue" 5/5 cups of coffee.☕

Thank you for the mystery, I'm gonna add this to my reading list as well. Very good work, thank you.
Hello and Dear Gabrielle,

I would really appreciate if you took a glance at my LitRPG story. Also, I know where I'm lacking and I'm trying to improve.

Nothing like having cookies and potions with your tea. Welcome and I'm happy to sit and drink some tea and gab with your about your book.
I will say upfront that LitRPG isn't a strength of mine, so there will be things that I could miss. I've read a few of these and depending on how the system sets up, it will be a fun read. So pull up a chair and dip the cookies in your caramel coffee while I get these chapters a good read.
Hey Gabrielle, I absolutely love how you introduced yourself and would love for you to give my story a few remarks. I hope you enjoy it or at the very least find it interesting.

Welcome to the Cafe!
I took a peek at the book, you have close to 200 readers and 17k views! Seems like there's lots who already like it.
So along with the other two fine writers, we get to sit around a big 4 top and I'll hand out the Jasmine tea while I take your novel on as well. Thanks for asking.
 
Last edited:

K_Jira

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2021
Messages
215
Points
83
Jira!

It was a pleasure to read your story. For the purpose of tea time, Chapters 1, 20, and 60 were used. I also read the synopsis.

Chapter 1 was an absolute breeze to read. You know who the main character is, what they do and how they do it before the end of the chapter. You also explained your futuristic nanotechnology so it was easy to grasp without much in the way of over explanation. It's very clear that the chapter is going to setup the "rescue" of the Youthful General due to an infiltration of his mind from their dastardly enemy! I didn't see any glaring editing needs, I understood it and did in fact want to see how the MC was gonna rescue the general.


This was a lovely amount of confidence and arrogance. Fits how I saw the MC. Nice work.

Chapter 20:
Like the previous chapter, this was easy to follow even though I skipped 19 chapters.
You know that it's the main character again, this time in the midst of an upcoming festival or later find out a trial of some kind. Given your attention to detail I witnessed in chapter 1, I'm sure the full understanding of prior to this moment. The "buzz" as you even called it, was minor compared to the Main character and this prince. Again, the interaction is great. You can tell that they are both comfortable with one another and in love. Or at least very infatuated.
Much like before the main character has this arrogance that is very apparent, but not in a bad way.

My only complaint was the start of using ellipses as a "deadpan" or "thought".
I'm not a fan of : "..." To show a look. The reader is better off knowing exactly how the other character is acting. You took the time to detail other actions, don't stop just because there's a silence or silly look. Tell us.

Loved the ending where the MC is pushing his way again. "Hire me or else."

Aside from that, just minor quips about word choices. Like saying "knelt down." Well yeah, I'm not aware of being able to kneel any other way. I would just say "knelt."

So lovely work.

Chapter 60
It was a very big leap in the story so it took a little bit to get caught up. But like normal, your easy, yet detailed approach to the chapter made it a breeze to know what had just occurred. Main Character is waking up from a specter attack. My mind immediately wanted to know what the heck you saw them like. Which you kindly give during the chapter. (Not gonna spoil the fun).
As for the cat? I think all cats want humans dead, so it tracks. I liked the main characters new eating habit, which I'll also not say aloud.

It's a very good section. Minor quips - most numbers are spelled out rather than just shoved in the text. Like, 3.90 becomes three dollars and ninety cents. Of course you once again used the dreaded "..." But in reference to the cat. That really should get cleaned up. Maybe a meow like after, but a cat is an animal and unless it's a version of 'Animal Farm' or something I missed from the other chapters, typically animals don't talk or show emotions.

So overall,
Since I went for more tea a few times reading, I'll give you 5/5 cups ☕
Keep up the great work, I'll add it to my reading list and get to it when I have more time.
Thank you for your review! It's the first time someone pick out three random chapters like this and review them separately. I'm glad my writing have enough clarity :sweating_profusely:

Regarding the ellipses, I think I'm too influenced by CN novels. I just love it so much and unknowingly keep using it :blob_sweat: I'll try to reduce it, but I don't think I can completely cut them out of my stories. It's already too deep in my blood orz. By the way, the cat usually meowed in other chapters. I interchange between it verbally meowing, explaining how it cried, and using ellipses when he just stared at MC (like how cats usually does lol).

And for the 'knelt down', you're absolutely right. When I write, there's this sort of…beat(?) in every paragraph that I unconsciously want to achieve and sometimes, writing 'down' after 'kneel', 'sit', 'descend', etc. or 'up' after 'jump', 'ascend', etc. is to achieve this invisible beats, but I know it's very redundant. I'm going to be more critical of them and cut them off of my stories.

Thank you again for taking your time to review this! I will use your advice to whip up a better and sweeter dessert :blob_hug:
 

Representing_Tromba

Sleep deprived mess of a published author
Joined
Jan 29, 2020
Messages
5,370
Points
233
Hey Gabrielle, I would love for your thoughts on the prologue and first couple of chapters of my time travel thriller story! Let me know what you think!
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Hey Gabrielle, I would love for your thoughts on the prologue and first couple of chapters of my time travel thriller story! Let me know what you think!
Ohhh welcome to the Cafe. Nothing like a time travel concept. I watch paradoxical videos on time travel all the time. It's the butterfly effect and the Andromeda paradox I love most.
Paul, I have a cup of chrono coffee from Hawaii just for you. For you we will step back to when milk came from a bottle and coffee was five cents.
I'll happily take a read.
Who wants coffee cake?
 

CharlesEBrown

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2024
Messages
2,727
Points
113
Hello there Charlie!
I have picked a book at random and I am glad I did.
Thank you for that.
Nothing like getting into a murder mystery!
While I sat here drinking my Irish coffee, I picked
-Casebook One
-The Diner
-Complications
As an aside, Casebook One is complete over at Royal Road - one of the reasons I started posting here was hoping doing so would prod me into finishing Casebooks two (and further)...
-Casebook One:
Its an incredibly short read and that's it's strength. You setup the whole premise within those few paragraphs. You give us a little history.. Ie..the main character is an actor that's been playing his father on a crime show, give his pseudonym and the reason for it, then set the expectation that "Lance" is telling the story much like Watson does with Holmes. So great work. Clear, concise work that draws the reader in. If there are any drawbacks it's possibly out of place wording, but that's not really bad. I would order the "who I am" line and find a way to remove the parentheses, incorporate those thoughts into the narrative. But again, minor. Easily bypassed since the rest is lovely.
Ah - the MC is not (yet) the kid - that's about Casebook five or six where that character takes the focus from dear old dad.
-The Diner.
You get the sense of what everything is pretty much off the bat. You go into the obvious horrible scent within the diner and it's the main investigator that shows her skill immediately. You blended in her ability and didn't just "tell us". Loved it.

It was only after the Lead on the case discussed the drugs, that I wanted to know what the time setting was. Because many places have that particular drug legalized now. But even ten years ago, it was still frowned upon, but seldom enforced.
That scene was written in the 90s and originally planned to be set in the 70s. But when I pulled the story out of mothballs I just moved it to "early 2000s" (if I ever get it that far, the dad's last story is set around 2010, and the kid takes over 12 years later) but never stated that - and one reason I never named the city here (the original story was set in Chicago) was so that I could control what laws were and were not in effect... :D
Again small detail that shows I was interested. A very macabre scene and an equally repulsive homeless guy.


This shows me the interest in your story. I don't know many authors that would give a toss away character a quirk personality like this. I liked it - see?

There are paragraphs that seem a tiny bit out of order, but they work. When I write, I do my best to keep same idea sets together. But that's a personal preference. What you have is good. It's in the moment. You knew that the characters are both human and detectives.
Honestly, that part went through at least two revisions just to keep the order as organic as I could make it without letting it meander too much.
The scene and it's layout are lovely. I wanted to keep reading.

-Complications.
This chapter is how I could hear crime scene techs being towards one another. They are the people that lay out the puzzle and match colors. Which you have done with care. These two go into forensics without making it sound overly scientific. You keep it easy for the reader. You get the important parts out - such as the killing blow, the odd location of the blood spatter and their confusion as to how it was accomplished.

What's more is that your lead detective, also poses a thought which the techs gladly try and tackle. Without giving away the chapter, I'll say I liked the flow. It's the same as the others, you are consistent.

If I had any real issue, it's the use of "at that." On thy end of a few sentences. It's not necessary. I can't find one currently, or I would have linked it.
Hmm - when I get some free time, I'll have to look it over again and see if I can fix that. Thanks!
Beyond that, maybe clear up some order issues. Your jokes are timed well and the flirting is well done.

Mister Charles, I'm going to give "True Blue" 5/5 cups of coffee.☕
Thank you for the mystery, I'm gonna add this to my reading list as well. Very good work, thank you.
I thank you for your comments, Gabrielle.
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Hello and Dear Gabrielle,

I would really appreciate if you took a glance at my LitRPG story. Also, I know where I'm lacking and I'm trying to improve.

Time to Gab with Gabrielle.
Hello again @Cookiez_N_Potionz. Good news, I've taken a look into your book.
For the sake of the impressions, I read
Chapters 1,2, & 3.

It was chapter 1 that set the tone and because of it, I didn't jump chapters.
Chapter 1
I found the narrative really difficult to follow. I'm pretty sure that the narrative jumps from 3rd person, to 3rd Omni. Why? One paragraph is Colin talking and thinking, then it's back to an overview. This happens enough through the chapter that it makes it difficult to grasp. What's more is that you'll have moments of brilliance, then completely jump topic without any transition.

Collin pulled up to the house his family was renting and felt a pang in his heart as he took off his helmet. He had dark skin, vitiligo spots across his nose that looked like freckles, brown curly hair, and dark eyes.

Everything felt weird. Collin doesn't remember squat about Kismet City, Connecticut, only that he was 8 years-old when they moved. He got off his motorcycle and trudged inside. "Dad?"
Let's use this as an example. Your first paragraph here could use a little editing, but otherwise it's fine. This is the narrator talking and telling us what he looks like. All fine.

Then without warning it jumped to Colin feeling weird. Then hops back to Omni. The two sentences aren't meshing.

The whole chapter is like that. It jumps topic to topic without and hint of a transition. If it were me, I'd take every paragraph and look at them with the others. Expand on what you want in the span of a chapter. You tell us about the family, his athletic issues, that they moved, he felt weird, then had a talk with dad at random then jumps to sleep. Expand and show us what's in your head. I think you've got a cool story in there.
Then there was the random bold of Romani..which threw me.

Chapter 2/3 are lots of the same thing.
Disjointed concepts and change of narrative.
I haven't been in high school in 40 years, so I'm not real sure about the protocol on saying your dating someone and that your bisexual. I don't see how that really matters in the context of the conversation they were having. That is jarring.

I really can't say more about it. You've got a good concept building, you've got good points within the structure, but you really need to organize the thoughts and keep to one narrative. Expand your topics and transition to the next. Discussing a comic book store and then jolting to a diner, seeing they ordered food and waited...Just to jump into a conversation... It's just very hard to keep up with.

Get with some friends, and talk it out. Tell them what you've envisioned. Make an outline. Put that outline in order, then write.
The story concept is going to be fun I think. You just need to clean it up.

Right now as it stands ill give you two different ratings
Story concept - 4/5 cups ☕
Story structure - 2/5 cups ☕
You've got potential there my friend. Keep on plugging away and I wish you the best of luck.
 
Last edited:

nyankat

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2025
Messages
7
Points
3
Dearest Gabrielle,

I’m very new at actually writing anything but I think it would be absolutely the sweetest thing if your sweet self sweetly shared some tea with me over a few words I’ve been working on. I fear I might be a bit out of my depth but I figure getting others to tell me how stuff reads to them is the best way to move forward.


Thank you muchly in advance,
-kat
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Hey Gabrielle, I absolutely love how you introduced yourself and would love for you to give my story a few remarks. I hope you enjoy it or at the very least find it interesting.

Good morning @AdOtherwise
Come on over to the hearth and we can have a nice little fireside chat over a white chocolate mocha.
This little chat is about your book Lowly-Ascent, as indicated in your request.

I read the synopsis. There was something too clean, too perfect with it as I took it in. I got a very stage alien vibe, so I checked it for AI - three separate times. It came back 75%, 80% and even 100% from a checker.
So a little slap on the hand for that. I almost stopped then.
However, that felt cheap to me and I wanted to provide a fun experience.
So for the purposes of this chat, I picked Chapter 1, Chapter 114 and Chapter 311. I'm aware that this does not encompass the full work you put in on this novel and I know that having a book of 533k words is impressive. So lots of work put in and I recognize that.

Chapter 1.
Thankfully after a quick test for AI, I got less than 5% so I kept reading. I read the initial few paragraphs and i quickly found that your style / prose isn't something that clicks in my head.
An old man with gray hair whistled an off-key tune.

He pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusted wheels screeching like a tortured banshee.

His clothes were stained and tattered. He was a person who spent his life clinging to small joys, one of these joys was burying the dead with some form of dignity. That and drowning himself in alcohol.

He brought the wheelbarrow and started digging. His shovel hit the soil and he muttered, "Another day another grave."
Using this I'll explain what I mean. This is the beginning of the book. 2 sentences that stand alone, a third section about his clothes, then back to the wheelbarrow. All split up without the need. What's more they are out of order. Why isn't the description of the old man with the opening sentence? Why is the opening sentence alone? You aren't trying to build tension, so it's a pause without reason.

I read on and discovered that the entire chapter suffers from this effect. Lots of disjointed concepts. Like when the boy gets dumped in the swamp. You give a lovely detailed view of what the boy sees, but that's it. We then get this:
Raising his arms wide, he spoke.

"Look here, lad, welcome to the Landfill! You're now in the swamps of Netherane! You must be confused about what the hell is going on," he spoke enthusiastically.

Getting a good look at the boy, the grave digger turned around, walked to the wheelbarrow, and pulled out some dirty clothes stained in what looked to be dirt and blood.
Why is the one sentence stand alone? That style writing is typically used to raise awareness for something about to happen. In this case it really should be part of the paragraph below it, or just outright removed.
Short story to keep from spoiling it, you do some world building in the same style and end the chapter.

Chapter 114.
Where to start? Well the chapter doesn't seem to suffer from the lone sentence issues, which shows your growth. It's got some order issues that don't work for me, especially with the beginning section of Cain and his mist. You have a way of splitting details that should be together. But that's consistent with chapter 1, so I'm going to leave that be.
Cain felt agony, but his expression remained the same, not registering it at all. He swept up the trunk of Numineer as his mist solidified and began to infiltrate and pull out the bark.
If he didn't register it then he didn't really feel it and then why even bring it up? That was puzzling to me. That whole sentence removed makes the short section clear.
The tree shook in pain as its vines twisted like pythons and surrounded Cain's figure. Red and green collided as Cain laughed and Numineer grunted. Red liquid as sharp as steel cut the vines away before returning to a gas-like state.

Green juices flowed from the cut vines. The green liquid fell on the roots and hissed as they corroded the ground around them.
These two really don't need to be split, and it's confusing. Why is Cain laughing? Why is the tree grunting in the middle here? This kind of errant things are all over the chapter. Many times, like the example above, the two should be combined and adjusted to flow better.
Cain yanked his maul, and a large hole was left where he attacked. Yellow pus leaked out, and a rancid smell attacked Cain's senses. He ignored the smell and continued his attack on the tree's body as its body slowly decomposed.
Attacked x3. This really needs fixing. If it attacked his senses then he smelled it, that's not ignoring it. It's a little wonky but you still get the gist.

These things happen throughout the remainder of the chapter. So I'll move on.

Chapter 311.
Same issues. Started at the very beginning just like chapter 1.
"Runt!"

Isaac jolted from his bed. Isabelle hastily entered their cell, she was sweating and anxious.

"You better be on your best behavior! I just learned from one of the guards that roll call will be tomorrow morning!" She was biting her nails.

"Roll call?" Isaac asked.
Why is Issac even part of the next sentence, why is "Runt!" By itself? Yeah the idea could be made that it's for impression, so okay. But still it's disjointed. Everything Isabelle does can and makes more sense before getting to Issac. It really makes better sense to have Issac jolt awake then talk about roll call.

The rest of the chapter does lots of the same thing, so I'm not going to repeat it.

Final thoughts.
I am not going to rate the story. It would be very unfair for me to rate the actual content of 500k words by reading just three different chapters.
What I will do is rate what I've read.
First the synopsis - AI isn't good. Zero cups.
Chapter 1. While it needs work, it's not bad
☕☕☕ 3/5. Even though it's a strange read, it tells what it needs to and I understood it.
Chapter 114. Same issues as 1.
☕☕☕ again 3/5. While the fighting is chaotic to read and follow, it's still very exciting and had some good visuals.
Chapter 311.
☕☕ 2/5 - simply put, it's the same issues that the other two had so I couldn't enjoy reading it. I honestly saw the opening sequence and wanted to stop.

All things considered, 500k words is impressive. That took lots of time and effort to do. I'm pretty sure the story can be excellent. Get with someone, a friend that has the time to be objective and read the entire book to see what you both can do together. Be well, thank you for allowing me to take a peek into your head.
Dearest Gabrielle,

I’m very new at actually writing anything but I think it would be absolutely the sweetest thing if your sweet self sweetly shared some tea with me over a few words I’ve been working on. I fear I might be a bit out of my depth but I figure getting others to tell me how stuff reads to them is the best way to move forward.


Thank you muchly in advance,
-kat
What an adorable name!
Ms Kat, since you are brand new to this and have a fun little title, I'll happily take a peek at start you have. Just be aware a have a few ahead of you so it might be a little bit before I get to this.
I promise you'll get my fresh honeyed tea.
 
Last edited:
Top