Hey Gabrielle, I absolutely love how you introduced yourself and would love for you to give my story a few remarks. I hope you enjoy it or at the very least find it interesting.
Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into the fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...
www.scribblehub.com
Good morning
@AdOtherwise
Come on over to the hearth and we can have a nice little fireside chat over a white chocolate mocha.
This little chat is about your book Lowly-Ascent, as indicated in your request.
I read the synopsis. There was something too clean, too perfect with it as I took it in. I got a very stage alien vibe, so I checked it for AI - three separate times. It came back 75%, 80% and even 100% from a checker.
So a little slap on the hand for that. I almost stopped then.
However, that felt cheap to me and I wanted to provide a fun experience.
So for the purposes of this chat, I picked Chapter 1, Chapter 114 and Chapter 311. I'm aware that this does not encompass the full work you put in on this novel and I know that having a book of 533k words is impressive. So lots of work put in and I recognize that.
Chapter 1.
Thankfully after a quick test for AI, I got less than 5% so I kept reading. I read the initial few paragraphs and i quickly found that your style / prose isn't something that clicks in my head.
An old man with gray hair whistled an off-key tune.
He pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusted wheels screeching like a tortured banshee.
His clothes were stained and tattered. He was a person who spent his life clinging to small joys, one of these joys was burying the dead with some form of dignity. That and drowning himself in alcohol.
He brought the wheelbarrow and started digging. His shovel hit the soil and he muttered, "Another day another grave."
Using this I'll explain what I mean. This is the beginning of the book. 2 sentences that stand alone, a third section about his clothes, then back to the wheelbarrow. All split up without the need. What's more they are out of order. Why isn't the description of the old man with the opening sentence? Why is the opening sentence alone? You aren't trying to build tension, so it's a pause without reason.
I read on and discovered that the entire chapter suffers from this effect. Lots of disjointed concepts. Like when the boy gets dumped in the swamp. You give a lovely detailed view of what the boy sees, but that's it. We then get this:
Raising his arms wide, he spoke.
"Look here, lad, welcome to the Landfill! You're now in the swamps of Netherane! You must be confused about what the hell is going on," he spoke enthusiastically.
Getting a good look at the boy, the grave digger turned around, walked to the wheelbarrow, and pulled out some dirty clothes stained in what looked to be dirt and blood.
Why is the one sentence stand alone? That style writing is typically used to raise awareness for something about to happen. In this case it really should be part of the paragraph below it, or just outright removed.
Short story to keep from spoiling it, you do some world building in the same style and end the chapter.
Chapter 114.
Where to start? Well the chapter doesn't seem to suffer from the lone sentence issues, which shows your growth. It's got some order issues that don't work for me, especially with the beginning section of Cain and his mist. You have a way of splitting details that should be together. But that's consistent with chapter 1, so I'm going to leave that be.
Cain felt agony, but his expression remained the same, not registering it at all. He swept up the trunk of Numineer as his mist solidified and began to infiltrate and pull out the bark.
If he didn't register it then he didn't really feel it and then why even bring it up? That was puzzling to me. That whole sentence removed makes the short section clear.
The tree shook in pain as its vines twisted like pythons and surrounded Cain's figure. Red and green collided as Cain laughed and Numineer grunted. Red liquid as sharp as steel cut the vines away before returning to a gas-like state.
Green juices flowed from the cut vines. The green liquid fell on the roots and hissed as they corroded the ground around them.
These two really don't need to be split, and it's confusing. Why is Cain laughing? Why is the tree grunting in the middle here? This kind of errant things are all over the chapter. Many times, like the example above, the two should be combined and adjusted to flow better.
Cain yanked his maul, and a large hole was left where he attacked. Yellow pus leaked out, and a rancid smell attacked Cain's senses. He ignored the smell and continued his attack on the tree's body as its body slowly decomposed.
Attacked x3. This really needs fixing. If it attacked his senses then he smelled it, that's not ignoring it. It's a little wonky but you still get the gist.
These things happen throughout the remainder of the chapter. So I'll move on.
Chapter 311.
Same issues. Started at the very beginning just like chapter 1.
"Runt!"
Isaac jolted from his bed. Isabelle hastily entered their cell, she was sweating and anxious.
"You better be on your best behavior! I just learned from one of the guards that roll call will be tomorrow morning!" She was biting her nails.
"Roll call?" Isaac asked.
Why is Issac even part of the next sentence, why is "Runt!" By itself? Yeah the idea could be made that it's for impression, so okay. But still it's disjointed. Everything Isabelle does can and makes more sense before getting to Issac. It really makes better sense to have Issac jolt awake then talk about roll call.
The rest of the chapter does lots of the same thing, so I'm not going to repeat it.
Final thoughts.
I am not going to rate the story. It would be very unfair for me to rate the actual content of 500k words by reading just three different chapters.
What I will do is rate what I've read.
First the synopsis - AI isn't good. Zero cups.
Chapter 1. While it needs work, it's not bad
3/5. Even though it's a strange read, it tells what it needs to and I understood it.
Chapter 114. Same issues as 1.
again 3/5. While the fighting is chaotic to read and follow, it's still very exciting and had some good visuals.
Chapter 311.
2/5 - simply put, it's the same issues that the other two had so I couldn't enjoy reading it. I honestly saw the opening sequence and wanted to stop.
All things considered, 500k words is impressive. That took lots of time and effort to do. I'm pretty sure the story can be excellent. Get with someone, a friend that has the time to be objective and read the entire book to see what you both can do together. Be well, thank you for allowing me to take a peek into your head.
Dearest Gabrielle,
I’m very new at actually writing anything but I think it would be absolutely the sweetest thing if your sweet self sweetly shared some tea with me over a few words I’ve been working on. I fear I might be a bit out of my depth but I figure getting others to tell me how stuff reads to them is the best way to move forward.
Fell from the Crow’s Nest is a grand Age of Sail adventure that follows the hodgepodge crew of the pirate ship Kalida as it sails across Thulathiun: a priest who tried to escape oppression only to be saved from certain death by becoming a pirate, a doctor seeking freedom...
www.scribblehub.com
Thank you muchly in advance,
-kat
What an adorable name!
Ms Kat, since you are brand new to this and have a fun little title, I'll happily take a peek at start you have. Just be aware a have a few ahead of you so it might be a little bit before I get to this.
I promise you'll get my fresh honeyed tea.
when picking random chapters out of a work). 
