@N.K.Watson
Your barrister has completed her tour of your book,
Divided.
Have a seat with me while I refill your cup and hand out another plate of ... Not Sable- nah, I won't spoil it.
Since I can get long winded, I will get right into this.
For the purposes of understanding the story, I read the synopsis and picked:
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2
- Chapter 6
Chapter 1.
Your attention to detail while setting up the world around Leora is outstanding. There is no way a person doesn't understand every little thing that is going on for the initial thousand words or so. It was so detailed that I felt like it was starting to get a bit 'purple prose'. Then the pace picked up and I was able to get into the chapter much easier.
While I read about Leora and her world, I happened to notice something. I saw it because it is something that I purposefully do in order to strengthen my own writing. You don't generally use 'The' to start your sentences. It seemed to occur only when pressed to do so, and I have long read across many sites that it's a sign of a well versed author to use more than 'The' to begin sentences, so well done.
(Side note, I haven't used 'The' to start a sentence since about 3/4 of the way through Vivienne. All of my works since then do not ever use it.)
I don't want to give away the Chapter, so I won't quote too much. I do want to point out a few things that made me smile.
Unlike my brothers, I’d never been particularly strong or brave, but my connection with nature set me apart. And with Corvin being the harvest-binder’s son, my father really couldn’t have picked a more fitting match for me—if only I had any interest in him romantically. Or in pre-arranged relationships at all.
“I still can’t get it through your thick skull that those are just stories, Corvin. Stories. What plant have you ever heard of that actually had magical abilities? None. And moonflowers grow in plenty of places, just not in town. If they really had magic, don’t you think we’d know by now?” I rolled my eyes but smiled slightly up at him. I knew the stories. I just didn’t believe them. Magic was locked away long ago, and no one had seen a trace of it since.
“If you want to believe that, go right ahead. But I’m going to keep believing that maybe- just maybe- some magic still exists outside the divide,” he pressed, his pace slowing as we near the clearing to the east.
The wind shifted, and I shivered. He probably assumed it’s from the cold, not the conversation I’d rather avoid.
This kind of banter between these two becomes pretty hallmark. There is a bit more like this in Chapter 2, and I really got the vibe that they bicker like an old couple, or two teenagers that don't want to admit their attraction. I might be way off, but that is the internal vibe I got.
Carving a rough square into the soil, we tested the ground, only to find it too rocky. The deeper we dug, the stranger it became. The earth below was so dark it was nearly black, streaked with something I couldn’t quite name. It was heavier, less aerated, and something about it felt…wrong.
“Do you see this color?” I asked him, frowning as I let the soil shift between my fingers.
“It’s weird, but maybe the nutrients here are different,” Corvin replied, still focused on digging, tossing aside clumps of rocky topsoil.
We worked a moment longer before I straightened, pressing my shovel into the loose dirt and leaning against the handle. My back ached from the effort, but the breeze was cool against my skin, rustling the trees in a way that felt almost soothing.
Then I saw it.
While this is a short blurb into the section, I picked it on purpose. You do a fine job of tension building, then you lay the shock. That is the perfect way to get to the simple four word phrase, "Then I saw it."
Overall, Chapter 1 is a wonderful setup for the story, even if it borders on being a little too much. You walked a fine line.
With the ending of Chapter 1, I
had to see what that ending led to.
So. Chapter 2 it was.
This is a fine chapter, content wise and It couldn't have been anymore spot on for tension. However, this is where the shifts start to happen. It's subtle but you change tense often enough that editing is rather necessary.
The smooth stone floor of the sick ward below our home darkened as my tears slipped through my fingers, pooling between them before falling. Talen lay motionless before me, his breath too shallow, his skin too pale. The bed around him was adorned with lilies and roses, a stark contrast to the painted grey walls of his room, probably Saren’s attempt to bring comfort where words had failed. She had gathered them from the garden while I sat nearby, too drained to move and lost in my own helplessness.
Okay, I know its the first paragraph, but it shows what I mean. You go from present to past tense. "Home darkened..tears slipped..." then into "pooling before falling." it really should be something like "And pooled between them before they fell." - or the like. I am going off the cuff. I think you get the point. Example two:
When we first got home, I changed clothes while the doctors stitched Talen up, but I wouldn’t call myself clean. My hair is a tangled mess, the bun on my head resembling a weaver bird’s nest. My face felt swollen, and I was certain it was blotched with dried tears from days of pathetic sorrow.
You completely shift in the second sentence. "My hair IS a tangled mess." - a minor thing and it's fixed. "My hair WAS a tangled mess and the bun on my head
resembled..." Nothing major, editing will fix that up nicely.
You have a run-on sentence or two that need to be fixed.
She studied me again, but it wasn’t with the same detached indifference this time. There was a sadness in her face, almost like I could see the mother I used to see, the loving and kind woman who used to sing songs with me and rake leaves from the yard into orange and yellow bags for fall harvest decorations.
There are a few other places that could be improved.
The hunger pangs intensified in the kitchen as I spotted a beautifully carved chicken still sitting on the counter, surely headed for the pigs tomorrow. Without hesitation, I tore into it with my hands, ripping off a generous slice and sinking my teeth into the tender meat.
Alright, it sounds a little funny
to me as you read it. Others may not feel the same way. What keeps punching me in the head is "Tore into it with your hands - ripping off a generous slice.."
Well, yes - if you are tearing it, then typically you are using your hands - but that isn't the biggest issue, its the "ripping" - not only is it the incorrect tense, it's kinda a repeat of the action before it. Combining the two thoughts will clear that up instantly. Something like:
"Without hesitation, I ripped off a generous chunk and sank my teeth into the succulent, tender meat."
(I took out slice, because that is typically used for a knife..)
Again, this is nothing that a little more editing won't fix.
In fact, one of my favorite parts is this:
“I knew that, and I don’t need your reminder. Thank you.” My words come sharper than I’d intended, but I didn’t correct them. Instead, I pushed myself up from the chair I’d been trapped in for hours, my muscles aching from disuse. I’d only left this room to eat once or twice, to gather more herbs, or to send Saren for fresh bandages.
When we first got home, I changed clothes while the doctors stitched Talen up, but I wouldn’t call myself clean. My hair is a tangled mess, the bun on my head resembling a weaver bird’s nest. My face felt swollen, and I was certain it was blotched with dried tears from days of pathetic sorrow.
Corvin wasn’t wrong, but his I know better than you attitude irked me the most. Even when he was right, he was still wrong. I walked past him, abandoning the pie and blanket, but his hand closed lightly around my wrist, stopping me.
I sighed, turning to face him. “What? I’m doing what you told me to do.” If only to get away from your nagging.
“You still don’t want the pie? I brought it for you,” he whimpered, his brows furrowing.
“I’m not hungry. Thanks, though. Can you have Saren put it in the icebox? I’ll try to eat later.” I tried to pull my arm free, but his grip tightened slightly. Our eyes locked as he stepped closer.
“Don’t do this to me, Leora. I’m just trying to help.” His voice was more frustrated than caring, but I knew that somewhere in there, he meant well. It’s not that he didn’t care about me. It’s just that he cared about himself more.
“I know, Corvin. Thank you.” My voice softened, though I don’t let him see the full extent of my exhaustion. “I’ll find you when I’m ready.”
While there are a few little editing things that need to be fixed, this section was endearing to me. I once more got the impression that she honestly liked the guy but was in complete denial, and didn't mind telling him so! Whether or not that is true, I don't know since I only read 3 chapters. All the same, it's a lovely interaction between the two.
Overall, finding out what happens from Chapter 1, was more than worth the read for Chapter 2. Good work.
Chapter 6.
Boy, what skipping a bunch of chapters does for reading, lol.
Our intrepid hero is on her own and after a bit of catching up, I knew she was hunting for a potential cure - that the synopsis promised.
I chuckled to myself with the opening paragraph where she tells herself:
I had been walking for hours, my calves and thighs becoming sore from a lack of exercise. It had been quite some time since I had attended ranger trainings, and I wasn’t interested in learning to fight; I didn’t have any reason to.
Which is a reversal of her thoughts in Chapter 1 where she's cursing herself for NOT having any training.
No matter where she is, Leora has issues getting that dagger out of her pocket! Nice little personality quirk.
Once more, we are driven into the story by your find detail of what she sees, how she feels and what she's doing.
Everything from fretting about finding magic or herbs like her moonflower, or being stealthy in the woods down to being jumpy at a cute silver fox. (Side note. That reminded me of Vivienne, since her animal form is a little silver fox with blue eyes and a black streaked tail. I even have her 'yip'.)
Okay, back to you though!
You still have the issues of changing tense in the middle of sentences.
I had been startled a few times into reaching for my weapons, only to discover that the noise I heard was a squirrel or other small animal, leaving me feeling foolish. Besides the occasional small game, the hike had been uneventful, giving me plenty of time to dwell on the responsibilities that had suddenly been thrust upon me.
Startled > into Reaching. It's better to go Startled > into 'and reached for my weapon' - or the like. You get the gist.
Your attention to detail on the outpost and how the soil there was identical to what she'd seen in her plot from Chapter 1, it works lovely. Good tie in.
Overall, a fine read and I plan to add it to my reading list. Fix the edits and take down the purple prose a bit, and you'll knock it out.
So! I am giving this story
- 4/5 cups as of now! Clear up the little issues as you move through the story and it will be 5/5 easily.
Side note - I noticed that you have the 'Smut' tag, but I must have skipped or been unlucky enough to see said smut. I love erotica in writing and would have liked to seen your take on the subject. Maybe tell me in a message where I missed it.
I do hope this helps you, because you have a fun and great concept there and the few readers you have is not a reflection of what you've written. Be well!
)