Gabrielle's Creative Corner Cafe!

[SurfAngel_1031]

@Rookieqw
I've been up early and while making a fresh batch of scones, thought I would entertain myself by reading your story - Duty, Empty Dreams and Trying Not to Become a Monster

So have one of these fresh scones and some peach tea, then we can discuss your story.
For the purpose of this conversation I read the following:
Synopsis
Prologue 1
Prologue 3
Prologue 5
Two things came to mind before I even opened the first prologue. First was, the time gap in writing. There is a few days short of 3 years between them. Second, why so many prologues?
For the record, a prologue is typically an introduction that is focused and crucial to the story that's about to start. It's a quick look into characters and a preceeding event.
To me, I consider it poor form to have lengthy and multiple prologues because you can easily derail your story before it begins. Mainly a danger of an info dump. If there is just that much you have to say, make it one separate prequel, or better yet find a way to bring it to the story within the story.

Moving on.

Prologue 1.
The first paragraph needs some work.

Kalaisa simply smiled at their bickering. To an outsider’s eye, their family could be considered unusual. Kalaisa hailed from the Wolf Tribe, a group of Wolfkins inhabiting the untamed Ravaged Lands. Her large, black-furred form dwarfed even her husband’s figure, standing head and shoulders taller. The woman’s amber eyes glowed brightly, like a pair of flashlights, a sign of her former rank as a warlord. Her snout was elongated, and her thick black fur could stop even bullets. Right now it was clean, carefully combed, and shining in the soft lighting of the room. For today’s occasion, she put on a simple black dress, and around her neck was a silver necklace bearing the symbol of the Wintersong family.

First, her height is irrelevant at this point since you've not told us anything about her husband. Sure we can infer that he's fairly big, but that's not quite the point. A comparison needs something to be compared to. Second, there's a tense change in the 'snout' sentence "was". It's better and in the matching tense to say something like "Bearing an elongated snout..."
You also have split the detail. You've brought her fur up in the prior sentences. Combine them, organize it a little better.
Having said that, the opening scene is cute. A fun vibe where you can actually picture a family maybe watching a parade.

Speaking to the layout and organization, the very next paragraph about the husband. That should have come before this and really included some physical features to bring in that comparison you use for Kalasia.

The rest of the prologue was as I feared. An info dump. You managed to tell the reader everything you could around the family as they discussed what to do before Aranea is to leave. Multiple times you jump topics, such as the painter and the twins, then jump into more of the world building - the towns wealth, then back to the family. You even use the father's rank, without having done it prior. I even went back to look and unless I missed it - the mention just isn't there.
There's nothing in this that couldn't have been focused on within the main story. Your big surprise is the determination of the daughter.
Beyond that, the writing is about the same. Fine details, just out of order and in some need of editing. Nothing awful.

Prologue 3
This starts off much the same way as 1 did.
You have split the details of the fortress between Aranea's thoughts. One is even a run-on sentence.
Further reading makes the opening sentence about the fortress just an errant thought. The focus is on Aranea and the city detail which is petty good. Then you charge narrative for a sentence with "There was so much to see and learn in the world!"
Your problems are not with expression. You have fun detail and get your point across, eventually. You have a deep issue with organizing your content. Consider moving the duel into its own section without the interruption of soccer.

She ran into a building, almost leaped over the broken stairs to the second floor, jumped out the nearest window, evading the broken glass lodged in the frame, landed softly on all fours, rolled once, and ran through the bushes to the slums.

Run-on sentence that is confusing in the middle about almost reaching the second floor.
Well short version, the interaction with the other cubs gets her to run off and meet strangers, that capture the main character and knock her out.
This again just fits a normal chapter narrative, it's not really a prologue. It's not concise, it is important...but. You get my point. The last line - He threw the girl up, and she felt a blow to the back of her head. Everything went black after that.- didn't need 'after that'.
This prologue had much the same issues as the first. Good premise, good detail but execution needs work.

Prologue 5

From what she knew about it, it was both a prison of sorts and a meditation area. The Ice Fangs visited it to reminisce about their temporarily lost homeland or to gain a firsthand impression of what it looked like while they pondered the mistakes they had committed or tackled a particularly difficult mental task.

Second sentence is a run-on.
Third paragraph fits better if you move it up.
Organization.
This is also is more a prequel thing than a prologue.
Having read these three, if there's another story coming, then these need to be considered on their own or ideally integrated into the actual story.
This section is pretty much identical to the others.
Good visuals, like this:

He was a sage, understood Aranea by his tall height and the marking of three unfinished circles spreading from the center of a circular image on his left shoulder. A rank below a sword saint, this man dedicated himself to unearthing dangerous secrets in the abandoned laboratories, eradicating the world-threatening plagues, and performing miracles in the hospitals, saving thousands and curing the once incurable. Though a noble profession, Keyl had once whispered to her how this wing of the sages’ organization often used their knowledge of physiology and the less dangerous discoveries to defeat the worst scum in the most gruesome ways.

But in desperate need of revision and organization. It's really the only thing holding the story back. Other than the confusion on what part these "prologues" play for the rest of the book.

My overall impression.
First, this genre really isn't my strength. So what visuals I did get with the beastkin were quite entertaining. You bring that flare to life pretty well. So good job.
It's the layout and disjointed thoughts that make this very difficult to grasp. It seems like you wrote it completely in the scribble hub editor without any real direction. As you thought of it, you said it.
There's just too many structure issues.
- 1/5 cups. Please, take each part and figure out where it meets the story you want to tell, since by definition this is just the prelude to the actual story. 18k words in all these and we still don't have the actual plot or story if these are prologues.
Good luck and it was a pleasure to see your world. Be well.

---

Cafe menu update.

After the pleasure of reading your fine stories, I thought it necessary to say something further.
First, keep in mind that we are all amateur writers. Given that is the case, I don't expect perfection. In fact, I have the same issues in my own writing, but I have two lovely friends that read and tell me things they catch as potential issues.
Your hostess isn't beyond making mistakes. I make and have made thousands of them. Many times the exact same ones.

A little background with my most well known book, Vivienne. Many do not know, but chapters 1-8 are complete rewrites. It took me about six months to go line by line and add in better detail and structure. By the time I had finished, the story had taken a drastic turn and we have what is published right now.

I was eviscerated by a few folks, and it hurt. To my core.
There were only two viable options. Quit or fix my mistakes and do my best to write my book. The latter forced me to admit that what I had was not good, but could be better.

Thanks to those events, I keep the humiliation of being told outright that my structure "sucked" and my characters were "not interesting" in my head as I read.

I've said it before, I know exactly how hard it is to put yourself out in the public eye and let someone look at your innermost thoughts. These books / stories are part of you and I recognize that above all.

So regardless of my rating of your stories, do not give up or stop trying. All of us have something to say, so do it.

 

[N.K.Watson]

@N.K.Watson
Your barrister has completed her tour of your book, Divided.
Have a seat with me while I refill your cup and hand out another plate of ... Not Sable- nah, I won't spoil it.
Since I can get long winded, I will get right into this.
For the purposes of understanding the story, I read the synopsis and picked:
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2
- Chapter 6

Chapter 1.

Your attention to detail while setting up the world around Leora is outstanding. There is no way a person doesn't understand every little thing that is going on for the initial thousand words or so. It was so detailed that I felt like it was starting to get a bit 'purple prose'. Then the pace picked up and I was able to get into the chapter much easier.
While I read about Leora and her world, I happened to notice something. I saw it because it is something that I purposefully do in order to strengthen my own writing. You don't generally use 'The' to start your sentences. It seemed to occur only when pressed to do so, and I have long read across many sites that it's a sign of a well versed author to use more than 'The' to begin sentences, so well done.

(Side note, I haven't used 'The' to start a sentence since about 3/4 of the way through Vivienne. All of my works since then do not ever use it.)

I don't want to give away the Chapter, so I won't quote too much. I do want to point out a few things that made me smile.

This kind of banter between these two becomes pretty hallmark. There is a bit more like this in Chapter 2, and I really got the vibe that they bicker like an old couple, or two teenagers that don't want to admit their attraction. I might be way off, but that is the internal vibe I got.


While this is a short blurb into the section, I picked it on purpose. You do a fine job of tension building, then you lay the shock. That is the perfect way to get to the simple four word phrase, "Then I saw it."

Overall, Chapter 1 is a wonderful setup for the story, even if it borders on being a little too much. You walked a fine line.
With the ending of Chapter 1, I had to see what that ending led to.

So. Chapter 2 it was.

This is a fine chapter, content wise and It couldn't have been anymore spot on for tension. However, this is where the shifts start to happen. It's subtle but you change tense often enough that editing is rather necessary.

Okay, I know its the first paragraph, but it shows what I mean. You go from present to past tense. "Home darkened..tears slipped..." then into "pooling before falling." it really should be something like "And pooled between them before they fell." - or the like. I am going off the cuff. I think you get the point. Example two:

You completely shift in the second sentence. "My hair IS a tangled mess." - a minor thing and it's fixed. "My hair WAS a tangled mess and the bun on my head resembled..." Nothing major, editing will fix that up nicely.

You have a run-on sentence or two that need to be fixed.

There are a few other places that could be improved.

Alright, it sounds a little funny to me as you read it. Others may not feel the same way. What keeps punching me in the head is "Tore into it with your hands - ripping off a generous slice.."

Well, yes - if you are tearing it, then typically you are using your hands - but that isn't the biggest issue, its the "ripping" - not only is it the incorrect tense, it's kinda a repeat of the action before it. Combining the two thoughts will clear that up instantly. Something like:
"Without hesitation, I ripped off a generous chunk and sank my teeth into the succulent, tender meat."
(I took out slice, because that is typically used for a knife..)
Again, this is nothing that a little more editing won't fix.

In fact, one of my favorite parts is this:

While there are a few little editing things that need to be fixed, this section was endearing to me. I once more got the impression that she honestly liked the guy but was in complete denial, and didn't mind telling him so! Whether or not that is true, I don't know since I only read 3 chapters. All the same, it's a lovely interaction between the two.

Overall, finding out what happens from Chapter 1, was more than worth the read for Chapter 2. Good work.

Chapter 6.
Boy, what skipping a bunch of chapters does for reading, lol.
Our intrepid hero is on her own and after a bit of catching up, I knew she was hunting for a potential cure - that the synopsis promised.
I chuckled to myself with the opening paragraph where she tells herself:

Which is a reversal of her thoughts in Chapter 1 where she's cursing herself for NOT having any training.
No matter where she is, Leora has issues getting that dagger out of her pocket! Nice little personality quirk.
Once more, we are driven into the story by your find detail of what she sees, how she feels and what she's doing.
Everything from fretting about finding magic or herbs like her moonflower, or being stealthy in the woods down to being jumpy at a cute silver fox. (Side note. That reminded me of Vivienne, since her animal form is a little silver fox with blue eyes and a black streaked tail. I even have her 'yip'.)
Okay, back to you though!
You still have the issues of changing tense in the middle of sentences.

Startled > into Reaching. It's better to go Startled > into 'and reached for my weapon' - or the like. You get the gist.

Your attention to detail on the outpost and how the soil there was identical to what she'd seen in her plot from Chapter 1, it works lovely. Good tie in.

Overall, a fine read and I plan to add it to my reading list. Fix the edits and take down the purple prose a bit, and you'll knock it out.

So! I am giving this story - 4/5 cups as of now! Clear up the little issues as you move through the story and it will be 5/5 easily.

Side note - I noticed that you have the 'Smut' tag, but I must have skipped or been unlucky enough to see said smut. I love erotica in writing and would have liked to seen your take on the subject. Maybe tell me in a message where I missed it.

I do hope this helps you, because you have a fun and great concept there and the few readers you have is not a reflection of what you've written. Be well!

The most thorough and wonderful feedback i have gotten so far!

I've never heard "purple prose" (again, new to writing!) but I understand what you're saying. That first chapter I really wanted to lay into detail, I have been told it was a bit much, and so I started taking away just a bit. I love flowy language and high detail, I feel like it helps those who have a lack of imagination (like me ) a better visual.

Corvin - yes! Very much the vibe I wanted to give for them. He is not the MMC, but he is highly important to the story and his role will continue to shift throughout the book!

Tense Shifting - the bane of my writing existence right now. I cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME stick to one freaking tense. I'm working on it, and I've already been through the first four chapters TWICE fixing that, and yet somehow I still manage to miss some. Seems to be my biggest challenge at the moment. I think part of it is being so busy, I frequently quit writing in the middle of sentences to focus on my daughter or to take care of something else, and when I return, I have to remind myself of where I was and the kind of mood I was in while writing. I feel like it affects my style, and it would be better if I would sit down and write at times when I'm not going to be distracted enough to lose my momentum. You are the second person to point it out, and i am so thankful.

Fully understand the repetitiveness of the "tearing" and then "ripping". Not weird, definitely correct on your part!

Oooooh - Hadn't even noticed I had reversed Leora's thoughts on training there. That feels like a mistake to me for sure, personally i think i should switch those reactions around. Having her say that she had no reason to train in the beginning, and then cursing herself for not training more on her hike to the divide. Definitely an edit i will be making!

The quirk on the dagger - she will get better, eventually... lol

The silver fox will also become part of the story later on - I'm excited to hear we have a small connection in our stories!

I'm shocked to get even 4 cups! I was hopeful for 3 at the most with my inexperience, so I cannot thank you enough.

Smut - she's a slow-burning romance, and I'm a plotter. Unfortunately, no good graphic will ensue until around chapter 20! But i hope to build a LOT of tension, and create a story that makes the reader anxious for it.

I'm so thankful for your input, and very happy you could find any amount of enjoyment in it!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

@TachimeSan
Good afternoon! Lets have some brunch and enjoy your story - The Rise of Raruk Warwulf
My brunch menu is a little more traditional in the way that I add omelets and waffles, along with mimosa's and Blood Mary's.
However, I am going to pass on the alcohol and stick with my jasmine peach tea.

Let's chat while we munch.
For the purposes of this I have read:
Synopsis
Prologue
Chapter 3 "New Hope" (Yes, I picked it just for the Star Wars reference. I was 7 when the original came out, so it's my childhood!)
Chapter 5

---

Prologue:
In a word? Superb.
I should preface this as well. I am not typically fond of Isekai, the site is just littered with ones that made me pretty much turn away. That and I don't fully grasp some of the genre points that are taken for granted. There are two authors that are great friends that I met through their novels that are in fact Isekai. So I went into it with a little hesitation.

I read this and knew immediately what was going on and why it was there. This whole thing sets up like a fun war-drama. The detail is fantastic and not overly done. There is enough for the reader to excitedly fill in.

Amidst a stormy night, a lone man ran through the thick underbrush of the forest in a panicked hurry. Not minding the sticks and leaves and mud, he ran with all his might towards a small encampment, stopping just a few meters from the gates.

Hold it!” shouted a guard atop one of the watchtowers as he readied his bow, “Identify yourself!”

Panting heavily, the man lowered his head until it was touching the wet ground.

“Please, help me! I beg of you, help me!” he cried out in anguish. “A terrible fate has befallen our village!”
Hearing this, the guard withdrew his bow and signaled down. Within a few moments, the large iron gates of the encampment creaked and groaned as they opened slowly. A group of soldiers emerged with their weapons drawn. They made their way to the man in great strides.


“Who are you? Which village did you come from?” One of them asked as he pointed his sword towards him.

In response, the man meekly crawled towards him and grasped his feet. “Please, help me”

The soldier, not knowing what to do, simply picked the man up by his arm. “Speak sense, man!” he shouted as he lightly shook the man. “What are you speaking of?”

The man, now with bloodshot eyes, broke free from the soldier’s grasp and grabbed him by the shoulders.

Aside from a few missing punctuation and some tiny editing, I enjoyed this little setup instantly.
You have a writing style that speaks volumes as it is very similar to my own. That made it even easier for me to grasp.
There are some issues, but nothing that a little editing won't fix. It does not detract from the beginning.

When you read the rest of the Prologue, you get exactly what you need. It's a human kingdom on the verge of a war, an unknown invader that has just wrecked an outlying village and the question of "What is an orc?" You did this so well, that there was zero need for names. Understanding that it was a commoner that was in a panic, the captain of the guard and the guards themselves is all this needed.
Detail is really fun.

In response to the old man’s order, all the soldiers hurriedly scrambled to pick-up the man, almost to the point of dragging him by his feet, and brought him inside the encampment.

Inside his tent, the old man and his soldiers listened to the man’s story.

“I went out early in the morning, my lord. Just as I usually do” He narrated as he grasped the warm cup that was given to him. "But when I returned, I saw our village burning and everyone murdered, I only barely managed to escape, I thought for sure they would chase me.”

“Who did this?” Asked the old man.

“Monsters, lord.” He said menacingly. “I live in the frontier town bordering the Great Forest, I have seen many monsters and creatures, but nothing like these ones.”

This is easy to grasp. You can feel the panic in the villager's words. It's just - I had fun reading it.
Once I finished, I was anxious to see what the next chapter held for me.

Chapter 3

Given that I missed a couple chapters, I get to witness the leader that is mentioned in the synopsis.
This is where the description of the 'Orc' gets its justice. There was zero misunderstanding of who and what Raruk is.
Pretty smart as well, shows it all through the chapter.
What really pulled me in, was much like the prologue - the opening paragraph, the dream sequence.

She dreamt of warmth.

Golden meadows rolled beneath her bare feet, soft and endless. The wind danced through her hair, turning it to strands of sunlight, and laughter—bright, unburdened, innocent—rippled through the air like music on a summer breeze.

She ran, her small fingers brushing against wildflowers that reached up to her waist, petals kissing her skin like silk. Behind her, the joyful cries of her siblings echoed, and from an open window came her mother’s off-key humming, as comforting as a heartbeat.

Then the sky darkened.

A bell tolled in the distance—not the gentle chime of home, but the heavy clang of terror and despair, then the laughter was gone. The pained screams of people filled her ears, fire rose from the houses, blazing and violent, almost reaching the skies. Soldiers clashing, steel against steel.

Her father’s voice echoed, calling for the knights—“Get them out!”

Her mother, her siblings—dragged away by the enemy, their cries swallowed by the chaos.

The ship waited on the eastern shore.

Pursuers followed—shadows on the water, enemy sails slicing through the mist. Lightning tore the sky as they fled deeper into the sea. Then it struck—fast and merciless.

She awoke with a jolt, her body slick with sweat, breath tearing through her throat in ragged gasps. Her skin, pale as porcelain, trembled beneath the furs.

The air was thick with the scent of earth, smoke, and animal musk. Beside the bed, a makeshift fire pit glowed dimly, casting flickers of orange and shadow across the room.

She lay wrapped in thick furs—warm, soft, almost gentle.

Her head throbbed, thoughts scattered like broken shards of glass.

"Where… am I?"

While the point could be made for joining some of the sentences together for full paragraphs, the sequence works great since it is in fact a dream. Its attention to detail and confusion are sometimes how people actually dream. I can't tell you how many times that I have asked myself after waking up - "Where am I?" Just enough detail, but not over done.
Great job.

Moving on.
I did have one little concern and it's to do with the name 'Thunder Dome'. You might want to double check the copyright on it, since that name is the main part of a Mad Max movie called, "Beyond Thunderdome" - which your characters even say a few times. It's a minor thorn, but I don't want you to get a possible copyright strike. Proving my point, I saw the name Thunder Dome and immediately thought of the movie. So it's just a heads up.

Interaction between Raruk and Aleana is perfect. He doesn't know her, he certainly doesn't know if he can trust her and she's apparently from another raid that I didn't read about, having skipped chapters. So the interaction is real.
I say this because I live in that kind of world. Being mute, I use ASL to communicate 90% of the time. Other's have no clue what I am saying, while I hear and understand just fine. So I could seriously spout off gibberish and you'd never know. ...but, if I needed to make it clear that I wanted - say water, I could sign it and then maybe point out a bottle of water or even a cup.
You did a fantastic job.

She swallowed hard, the tray still in her lap, her voice small. “You speak our tongue?”

He stared, then gestured with his fingers, “little.”


A lie.


He understood far more than he let on. He could speak it—fluently, if he wished, but the truth was suspicious. Revealing too much too soon could prove dangerous not just for her, but also for himself.

He tapped his chest again. “Raruk" then pointed at her. “You?”

She hesitated, should she introduce herself to this strange.. creature? Should she keep silent? She racked her head trying to come up with something.

Seeing this, the creature exhaled sharply through his nose and grunted, "Raruk," he said yet again, "you?" this time firmer and with more authority.

"A-Aleana" she stammered, fearful as to what he might do to her. "My name's Aleana"

A little bit of punctuation is missing, but other than that, it's a quick little one on one section that is like you are there like I mentioned above.
I can't give enough praise.
Fix the punctuation.

Chapter 5
I figured I didn't really have to read this, mainly because I had already added the book to my reading list and almost didn't want to spoil the fun for myself later.
However.
I am immensely glad I did.
There is just so much here. It's called Strategy for a reason.
I have already spoiled quite a bit from quoting things, so I will hold off on more.
I could use the spoiler tag, but that is not my way. If those here want to know, they have to read it.
They will not be disappointed.
Raruk shows his cunning with is plan. I really like the way this leader thinks.
“That survival,” Raruk said softly, “is the only true honor left to a dying world.”
What can I say about the final lines - they gave me chills.

Overall impression:
Well that is pretty obvious. I think its well written, builds suspense, has a theme and direction. You have a knack for making impact with a few sentences that aren't overly complex and keeps the reader interested in the text.
5/5 cups.
I am not entirely sure why the heck you have so few readers. It is not indicative of what is going on in this.
Punctuation is your only drawback. I think that is because you get so into what you want to write, that the keystroke doesn't take.
Fantasy/WoW junkies will love this.

This was an absolute joy to read. Good luck with the rest and I will be looking forward to it. Be well!

---

@Kiuisuke.Kenzaki

Pull up a chair and let's chat. I have to bring out the decaf for this round of discussion.
Your request puzzled me when you said 'be confused'.
Your story Re:Reincarnation is exactly that.

I would be remiss if I didn't say something.
I will do my best to 'Bee' nice as possible.

I was not a fan of the synopsis. I had to check other devices to make sure my stuff wasn't honestly broken, because the strings of characters takes up part of the screen as well.

I was not a fan of the chapter setup.

I read exactly 3 paragraphs of chapter 0 and stopped. Therefore I cannot legitimately give you a 'rating'
I can give you advice.

You would be well advised to take it down and start over.
While you have the ability to provide detailed work, the way it is set up now - it will make your reader feel stupid.
It is setup now in a fashion that is deeply looking into the concepts of space/time and perspective of 'Now'. (Effectively the Andromeda Paradox)
That's it. Be well.

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Hello Gabrielle! Your thread topic reminds me of Submit-Your-Work on the Absolute Write Water Cooler site, where I used to post frequently up until about a decade ago. Back then I used 'Coffee-au-lait, two sugars' as a request for critique (which meant "I can take a hint, but be nice about it"). So it's nice to see you're offering just what I'm looking for.

Anyway, here is my WIP. So far I have four completed chapters at about 7k words each, with the fifth chapter about half-complete at just under 4k words. I won't be able to add any more for at least another month, so I'll gladly accept whatever feedback you can offer in the meantime. Much appreciated!

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. In the mid 2000s, twelve year old Robin lives in the commuter-belt village of Stanstead Abbotts, Hertfordshire with his eight year old friend, Timothy. The two boys have a big-brother and little-brother dynamic between them, with Robin being more mature and...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Hello Gabrielle! Your thread topic reminds me of Submit-Your-Work on the Absolute Write Water Cooler site, where I used to post frequently up until about a decade ago. Back then I used 'Coffee-au-lait, two sugars' as a request for critique (which meant "I can take a hint, but be nice about it"). So it's nice to see you're offering just what I'm looking for.

Anyway, here is my WIP. So far I have four completed chapters at about 7k words each, with the fifth chapter about half-complete at just under 4k words. I won't be able to add any more for at least another month, so I'll gladly accept whatever feedback you can offer in the meantime. Much appreciated!

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. In the mid 2000s, twelve year old Robin lives in the commuter-belt village of Stanstead Abbotts, Hertfordshire with his eight year old friend, Timothy. The two boys have a big-brother and little-brother dynamic between them, with Robin being more mature and...

www.scribblehub.com

Oh my. Testing my coffee skills. Café au lait, I've actually had it under the Eiffel Tower when I lived in Europe from 90-94. Yes, I did the stupid American thing and bought an adorable red beret and had it like it's supposed to be with warm milk.
Alright. You hit me with French, and since I'm partial to French culture... Since you know my first book is named Vivienne...
I'm going to take a peek at your book.
So pull up a chair and I'll do my best to make you Café au lait with my Columbian mountain coffee.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Oh my. Testing my coffee skills. Café au lait, I've actually had it under the Eiffel Tower when I lived in Europe from 90-94. Yes, I did the stupid American thing and bought an adorable red beret and had it like it's supposed to be with warm milk.

Ah, there you go, Gabrielle, making me wish my wife had taken me along to Paris on one of her doll convention trips (though the time she took my mom and one of mom's friends I was glad to stay home... :D) - only place I've had a cafe au lait was in New Orleans where it is closer to Tempokai's roasts (you NEED the milk and sugar to take it, it's so strong... and this coming from someone who actually LIKES classic Mexican Hot Chocolate - which only uses nutmeg as a sweetener) than what you give here... :D

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Ah, there you go, Gabrielle, making me wish my wife had taken me along to Paris on one of her doll convention trips (though the time she took my mom and one of mom's friends I was glad to stay home... :D) - only place I've had a cafe au lait was in New Orleans where it is closer to Tempokai's roasts (you NEED the milk and sugar to take it, it's so strong... and this coming from someone who actually LIKES classic Mexican Hot Chocolate - which only uses nutmeg as a sweetener) than what you give here... :D

I loved Paris. I lived in Mannheim, Germany at the time. So it was easy to get to Paris by train. I thought Mexican Hot Chocolate would also have chili powder like traditional chocolate?

 

[TachimeSan]

@TachimeSan
Good afternoon! Lets have some brunch and enjoy your story - The Rise of Raruk Warwulf
My brunch menu is a little more traditional in the way that I add omelets and waffles, along with mimosa's and Blood Mary's.
However, I am going to pass on the alcohol and stick with my jasmine peach tea.

Let's chat while we munch.
For the purposes of this I have read:
Synopsis
Prologue
Chapter 3 "New Hope" (Yes, I picked it just for the Star Wars reference. I was 7 when the original came out, so it's my childhood!)
Chapter 5

---

Prologue:
In a word? Superb.
I should preface this as well. I am not typically fond of Isekai, the site is just littered with ones that made me pretty much turn away. That and I don't fully grasp some of the genre points that are taken for granted. There are two authors that are great friends that I met through their novels that are in fact Isekai. So I went into it with a little hesitation.

I read this and knew immediately what was going on and why it was there. This whole thing sets up like a fun war-drama. The detail is fantastic and not overly done. There is enough for the reader to excitedly fill in.

Aside from a few missing punctuation and some tiny editing, I enjoyed this little setup instantly.
You have a writing style that speaks volumes as it is very similar to my own. That made it even easier for me to grasp.
There are some issues, but nothing that a little editing won't fix. It does not detract from the beginning.

When you read the rest of the Prologue, you get exactly what you need. It's a human kingdom on the verge of a war, an unknown invader that has just wrecked an outlying village and the question of "What is an orc?" You did this so well, that there was zero need for names. Understanding that it was a commoner that was in a panic, the captain of the guard and the guards themselves is all this needed.
Detail is really fun.

This is easy to grasp. You can feel the panic in the villager's words. It's just - I had fun reading it.
Once I finished, I was anxious to see what the next chapter held for me.

Chapter 3

Given that I missed a couple chapters, I get to witness the leader that is mentioned in the synopsis.
This is where the description of the 'Orc' gets its justice. There was zero misunderstanding of who and what Raruk is.
Pretty smart as well, shows it all through the chapter.
What really pulled me in, was much like the prologue - the opening paragraph, the dream sequence.


While the point could be made for joining some of the sentences together for full paragraphs, the sequence works great since it is in fact a dream. Its attention to detail and confusion are sometimes how people actually dream. I can't tell you how many times that I have asked myself after waking up - "Where am I?" Just enough detail, but not over done.
Great job.

Moving on.
I did have one little concern and it's to do with the name 'Thunder Dome'. You might want to double check the copyright on it, since that name is the main part of a Mad Max movie called, "Beyond Thunderdome" - which your characters even say a few times. It's a minor thorn, but I don't want you to get a possible copyright strike. Proving my point, I saw the name Thunder Dome and immediately thought of the movie. So it's just a heads up.

Interaction between Raruk and Aleana is perfect. He doesn't know her, he certainly doesn't know if he can trust her and she's apparently from another raid that I didn't read about, having skipped chapters. So the interaction is real.
I say this because I live in that kind of world. Being mute, I use ASL to communicate 90% of the time. Other's have no clue what I am saying, while I hear and understand just fine. So I could seriously spout off gibberish and you'd never know. ...but, if I needed to make it clear that I wanted - say water, I could sign it and then maybe point out a bottle of water or even a cup.
You did a fantastic job.


A little bit of punctuation is missing, but other than that, it's a quick little one on one section that is like you are there like I mentioned above.
I can't give enough praise.
Fix the punctuation.

Chapter 5
I figured I didn't really have to read this, mainly because I had already added the book to my reading list and almost didn't want to spoil the fun for myself later.
However.
I am immensely glad I did.
There is just so much here. It's called Strategy for a reason.
I have already spoiled quite a bit from quoting things, so I will hold off on more.
I could use the spoiler tag, but that is not my way. If those here want to know, they have to read it.
They will not be disappointed.
Raruk shows his cunning with is plan. I really like the way this leader thinks.
“That survival,” Raruk said softly, “is the only true honor left to a dying world.”
What can I say about the final lines - they gave me chills.

Overall impression:
Well that is pretty obvious. I think its well written, builds suspense, has a theme and direction. You have a knack for making impact with a few sentences that aren't overly complex and keeps the reader interested in the text.
5/5 cups.
I am not entirely sure why the heck you have so few readers. It is not indicative of what is going on in this.
Punctuation is your only drawback. I think that is because you get so into what you want to write, that the keystroke doesn't take.
Fantasy/WoW junkies will love this.

This was an absolute joy to read. Good luck with the rest and I will be looking forward to it. Be well!

---

@Kiuisuke.Kenzaki

Pull up a chair and let's chat. I have to bring out the decaf for this round of discussion.
Your request puzzled me when you said 'be confused'.
Your story Re:Reincarnation is exactly that.

I would be remiss if I didn't say something.
I will do my best to 'Bee' nice as possible.

I was not a fan of the synopsis. I had to check other devices to make sure my stuff wasn't honestly broken, because the strings of characters takes up part of the screen as well.

I was not a fan of the chapter setup.

I read exactly 3 paragraphs of chapter 0 and stopped. Therefore I cannot legitimately give you a 'rating'
I can give you advice.

You would be well advised to take it down and start over.
While you have the ability to provide detailed work, the way it is set up now - it will make your reader feel stupid.
It is setup now in a fashion that is deeply looking into the concepts of space/time and perspective of 'Now'. (Effectively the Andromeda Paradox)
That's it. Be well.

Oh wow, did not expect that. Thank you so much for the coffee!

Yeah I get all the punctuations and missing commas and what not, I mainly write on my phone, and the damn thing sometimes auto-corrects, and sometimes doesn't .

The Thunder dome bit is also an eye opener, I didn't realize that someone or a movie could've copyrighted it, though I did separate the Thunder and dome, and it doesn't portray the same structure or architecture, I'm still no expert when it comes to legality so I don't have ANY idea if I could get in trouble for it (I hope not) I'll try to change it when I think of a better replacement hahahaha.

As for the number of readers, it may be in part due to the genre. I've been on this site for a few years now, and I've observed that most readers just prefer litrpg or regression style stories. Another cause could be the slow updates. It's been the bane of my existence in this site, I procrastinate like CRAZY. And I only write when I get that sudden burst of inspiration, kinda like when dogs get zoomies . The low reader doesn't bother me though, as long as there are some readers, I'll continue the story.


Thanks for the coffee, Gabrielle! Hope you have a wonderful day!

 

[sbdrag]

I was not a fan of the synopsis. I had to check other devices to make sure my stuff wasn't honestly broken, because the strings of characters takes up part of the screen as well.

@Kiuisuke.Kenzaki

On a second note, a lot of screen readers can't read special characters like that, so you have a synopsis that will turn away a lot of people who can visually look at it and not read it and people using screen readers that can't read it.

I mean, I'm all for playing with form, but your synopsis will just advertise "this was written by a teen edgelord" to most people, which will only really attract teen edgelords. Even if you take away the formatting, "What would you do if you even the world is ending?" is a bad synopsis. It doesnt tell me what your story is about - you can't rely on the tags to do the heavy lifting, because a lot of people only look at them if the synopsis is interesting. You have to tell people what they're getting into.

So in case you were going to say "well, Gabrielle is a self-professed old lady, she just doesn’t get it", she's absolutely right that glitch script makes a bad synopsis that's going to turn away most readers.

But this isn't my feedback thread, so I didn't read more than that lol

 

[Solitary]

@TachimeSan
Good afternoon! Lets have some brunch and enjoy your story - The Rise of Raruk Warwulf
My brunch menu is a little more traditional in the way that I add omelets and waffles, along with mimosa's and Blood Mary's.
However, I am going to pass on the alcohol and stick with my jasmine peach tea.

Let's chat while we munch.
For the purposes of this I have read:
Synopsis
Prologue
Chapter 3 "New Hope" (Yes, I picked it just for the Star Wars reference. I was 7 when the original came out, so it's my childhood!)
Chapter 5

---

Prologue:
In a word? Superb.
I should preface this as well. I am not typically fond of Isekai, the site is just littered with ones that made me pretty much turn away. That and I don't fully grasp some of the genre points that are taken for granted. There are two authors that are great friends that I met through their novels that are in fact Isekai. So I went into it with a little hesitation.

I read this and knew immediately what was going on and why it was there. This whole thing sets up like a fun war-drama. The detail is fantastic and not overly done. There is enough for the reader to excitedly fill in.

Aside from a few missing punctuation and some tiny editing, I enjoyed this little setup instantly.
You have a writing style that speaks volumes as it is very similar to my own. That made it even easier for me to grasp.
There are some issues, but nothing that a little editing won't fix. It does not detract from the beginning.

When you read the rest of the Prologue, you get exactly what you need. It's a human kingdom on the verge of a war, an unknown invader that has just wrecked an outlying village and the question of "What is an orc?" You did this so well, that there was zero need for names. Understanding that it was a commoner that was in a panic, the captain of the guard and the guards themselves is all this needed.
Detail is really fun.

This is easy to grasp. You can feel the panic in the villager's words. It's just - I had fun reading it.
Once I finished, I was anxious to see what the next chapter held for me.

Chapter 3

Given that I missed a couple chapters, I get to witness the leader that is mentioned in the synopsis.
This is where the description of the 'Orc' gets its justice. There was zero misunderstanding of who and what Raruk is.
Pretty smart as well, shows it all through the chapter.
What really pulled me in, was much like the prologue - the opening paragraph, the dream sequence.


While the point could be made for joining some of the sentences together for full paragraphs, the sequence works great since it is in fact a dream. Its attention to detail and confusion are sometimes how people actually dream. I can't tell you how many times that I have asked myself after waking up - "Where am I?" Just enough detail, but not over done.
Great job.

Moving on.
I did have one little concern and it's to do with the name 'Thunder Dome'. You might want to double check the copyright on it, since that name is the main part of a Mad Max movie called, "Beyond Thunderdome" - which your characters even say a few times. It's a minor thorn, but I don't want you to get a possible copyright strike. Proving my point, I saw the name Thunder Dome and immediately thought of the movie. So it's just a heads up.

Interaction between Raruk and Aleana is perfect. He doesn't know her, he certainly doesn't know if he can trust her and she's apparently from another raid that I didn't read about, having skipped chapters. So the interaction is real.
I say this because I live in that kind of world. Being mute, I use ASL to communicate 90% of the time. Other's have no clue what I am saying, while I hear and understand just fine. So I could seriously spout off gibberish and you'd never know. ...but, if I needed to make it clear that I wanted - say water, I could sign it and then maybe point out a bottle of water or even a cup.
You did a fantastic job.


A little bit of punctuation is missing, but other than that, it's a quick little one on one section that is like you are there like I mentioned above.
I can't give enough praise.
Fix the punctuation.

Chapter 5
I figured I didn't really have to read this, mainly because I had already added the book to my reading list and almost didn't want to spoil the fun for myself later.
However.
I am immensely glad I did.
There is just so much here. It's called Strategy for a reason.
I have already spoiled quite a bit from quoting things, so I will hold off on more.
I could use the spoiler tag, but that is not my way. If those here want to know, they have to read it.
They will not be disappointed.
Raruk shows his cunning with is plan. I really like the way this leader thinks.
“That survival,” Raruk said softly, “is the only true honor left to a dying world.”
What can I say about the final lines - they gave me chills.

Overall impression:
Well that is pretty obvious. I think its well written, builds suspense, has a theme and direction. You have a knack for making impact with a few sentences that aren't overly complex and keeps the reader interested in the text.
5/5 cups.
I am not entirely sure why the heck you have so few readers. It is not indicative of what is going on in this.
Punctuation is your only drawback. I think that is because you get so into what you want to write, that the keystroke doesn't take.
Fantasy/WoW junkies will love this.

This was an absolute joy to read. Good luck with the rest and I will be looking forward to it. Be well!

---

@Kiuisuke.Kenzaki

Pull up a chair and let's chat. I have to bring out the decaf for this round of discussion.
Your request puzzled me when you said 'be confused'.
Your story Re:Reincarnation is exactly that.

I would be remiss if I didn't say something.
I will do my best to 'Bee' nice as possible.

I was not a fan of the synopsis. I had to check other devices to make sure my stuff wasn't honestly broken, because the strings of characters takes up part of the screen as well.

I was not a fan of the chapter setup.

I read exactly 3 paragraphs of chapter 0 and stopped. Therefore I cannot legitimately give you a 'rating'
I can give you advice.

You would be well advised to take it down and start over.
While you have the ability to provide detailed work, the way it is set up now - it will make your reader feel stupid.
It is setup now in a fashion that is deeply looking into the concepts of space/time and perspective of 'Now'. (Effectively the Andromeda Paradox)
That's it. Be well.

@Kiuisuke.Kenzaki

On a second note, a lot of screen readers can't read special characters like that, so you have a synopsis that will turn away a lot of people who can visually look at it and not read it and people using screen readers that can't read it.

I mean, I'm all for playing with form, but your synopsis will just advertise "this was written by a teen edgelord" to most people, which will only really attract teen edgelords. Even if you take away the formatting, "What would you do if you even the world is ending?" is a bad synopsis. It doesnt tell me what your story is about - you can't rely on the tags to do the heavy lifting, because a lot of people only look at them if the synopsis is interesting. You have to tell people what they're getting into.

So in case you were going to say "well, Gabrielle is a self-professed old lady, she just doesn’t get it", she's absolutely right that glitch script makes a bad synopsis that's going to turn away most readers.

But this isn't my feedback thread, so I didn't read more than that lol

I see. Thanks-nya.

If I say anything more in the synopsis, it would just spoil half of the novel. Its SCP style novel and my attempt of writing analogue horror but I guess it doesn't work. Maybe I'll try changing it, and making it better.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I see. Thanks-nya.

If I say anything more in the synopsis, it would just spoil half of the novel. Its SCP style novel and my attempt of writing analogue horror but I guess it doesn't work. Maybe I'll try changing it, and making it better.

I actually looked up and read a bit more on the style you claim to have used. I still hold up my initial premise.
I can only imagine that you WANT people to read it. That's the point.
That style either is to niche in its "clinical" and "programming" approach OR simply to much of a bother to read.

Again, you will make your reader feel stupid, given the subject matter you are trying.

If you need to resort to tricks in order to tell your story, then maybe you have a bad idea.

I stand by what I said. You would be well advised to start over.

Thank you for your time, and for the sake of brevity, I consider this matter closed. I wish you well.

@Kiuisuke.Kenzaki

On a second note, a lot of screen readers can't read special characters like that, so you have a synopsis that will turn away a lot of people who can visually look at it and not read it and people using screen readers that can't read it.

I mean, I'm all for playing with form, but your synopsis will just advertise "this was written by a teen edgelord" to most people, which will only really attract teen edgelords. Even if you take away the formatting, "What would you do if you even the world is ending?" is a bad synopsis. It doesnt tell me what your story is about - you can't rely on the tags to do the heavy lifting, because a lot of people only look at them if the synopsis is interesting. You have to tell people what they're getting into.

So in case you were going to say "well, Gabrielle is a self-professed old lady, she just doesn’t get it", she's absolutely right that glitch script makes a bad synopsis that's going to turn away most readers.

But this isn't my feedback thread, so I didn't read more than that lol

---

---

---

@sbdrag
Feel free to say what you'd like, just remember the "bee nice" rule.
I made a very good friend over a year ago by adding my thoughts to their own feedback.

Yes it is my thread, but I like the community aspect of it all. Plus if you can help one another find things I didn't... Where's the harm in that?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I loved Paris. I lived in Mannheim, Germany at the time. So it was easy to get to Paris by train. I thought Mexican Hot Chocolate works also have chili powder like traditional chocolate?

Mexican hot chocolate is made with real milk, 100% unsweetened cocoa powder, vanilla extract, cinnamon, chili powder, and a little bittersweet chocolate to make the whole thing a bit creamier and smoother.
It CAN add cayenne pepper and maybe, in small amounts, beet sugar but usually does not.

 

[sbdrag]

I see. Thanks-nya.

If I say anything more in the synopsis, it would just spoil half of the novel. Its SCP style novel and my attempt of writing analogue horror but I guess it doesn't work. Maybe I'll try changing it, and making it better.

Well then, as a final addendum on my end - not all SCP is well done. It works more because of the community/collective story telling aspect that smooth over some of the rough edges when it comes to the style, which is often not really telling an actual story with a narrative. (Some are, but many really are just "look at this weird thing I might have stolen the art for".) The "story" of SCP is a meta narrative of "we are researchers cataloging paranormal phenonema", which you don't really have in a traditional narrative setting.

What you're going to want to study for prose is epistolary horror - epistolary being the genre of telling a story through letters written by the characters, but can be expanded to include things like reports. House of Leaves would be a good place to start, I think, for what you're trying to accomplish. (Analogue horror relies on the visual mediums of VHS and CRT tapes, which can be difficult to replicate in writing.)

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Good Afternoon! I have been kinda busy and took a small break to celebrate Mother's Day.
Fear not new friends, I have ground a basket of beans and the espresso machine is going full swing.
@harrydouthwaite
Come on up to the counter as your Café au lait is ready!
I have taken the time to breeze over a couple chapters of your new book, Sixes and Sevens.

I read the Synopsis, Chapter 1 and Chapter 3.
I had started reading Chapter 5 and then saw that it was incomplete, which is on me since it's in plain sight.
I am glad I looked over the synopsis as close as I did, or I wouldn't have figured out that our 'English' is quite different. I am gathering based on the descriptions of the busses and trains, that you are in fact British.
This fact alone makes it difficult for me to give 'corrective' feedback for structure. Therefore, I will point out inconsistencies in your own work and let you decide if its incorrect. Thus, I will not hold that against you.
With that in mind lets begin!

Let's get started!
Chapter 1.

Initial paragraph brings two glaring problems for me.
First is, while it is descriptive - it is a very hard read and is 'purple prose'. I have used the term a few times and you were my first experiment of the website hemingwayapp.com. I wanted to be able to point out difficult sentences and make sure what I saw was 'purple prose'. What the site does is give an overall readability and highlights very hard and moderately hard sentences. Thankfully, it backed up my initial thought.
The site pointed out that the first paragraph was in fact, a very hard read. Consider taking out some of the excess and it will be perfectly fine.

Second. Right dead center of the paragraph is a run-on sentence.

The bare trees in the neighbourhood of Lawrence Avenue groaned and swayed in a bitterly chilly winter wind on the first afternoon of January. Although there wasn't a single flake of snow on the ground, the puddles had frozen into slippery patches of ice. The sound of the trees was momentarily drowned out by a dull rattle and clatter. A slightly chubby eight year old boy in a puffy blue coat and smooth winter trousers trundled along the tarmac path astride a small red bike, with metal brackets and small plastic wheels on each side of the back wheel, his stabilizers, which loyally kept him balanced. Another much leaner twelve year old boy paced along a few steps behind him, with his gaze firmly on the back wheel of the little bike as his companion rolled along the path.

I highlighted the sentence in question. Moving on.

I had to keep in mind that the story is completely 'Slice of Life' with the backdrop of dealing with autism and how the folks around Robin act and treat him.

All the same, there are times where you can get bogged down in the details and even get repetitive.

Just then, the back wheel of Timothy's bike slipped and rapidly spun round and round. The bike came to a halt, even though Timothy pumped his pedals the back wheel just couldn't get a grip on the icy path, the tire squealed as it just spun, and spun, and spun.


“Robin, help! I'm stuck!”


The lean boy covered his mouth to contain a chuckle while he leaned forwards and put his hands on the saddle of the little bike, and gave his friend a gentle shove. Only a few yards down the path, it happened again, the back wheel of Timothy's bike spun out and no matter how hard or fast he pedaled, he just sat propped up on his stabilizers while the back wheel slipped on another patch of ice. Timothy grunted as he let go of one of his handlebars and tugged at the bottom of his puffy blue coat and then at the top of his trousers.

I highlighted the parts that stuck out the most to me. One is pretty much a run-on sentence, the other is just unnecessary. I got the idea from the way you told us about the squealing tire and spinning. I've heard that sound many times when I was little, so it resonated with me.

It takes about another 600 words for you to move on beyond the constant toil of the bike getting stuck. Which at one point I recalled my own son at eight years and knew for a fact that eventually he would have gotten off the bike and pulled it himself.

I get that you were establishing the context and relationship between the two boys, but you spend the entirety of the chapter doing it. So having needle like focus on this one part is a little over the top. Consider a condensed version.

I understand you were also setting up the fact that Robin is the autistic one in the story, which is the explanation for him being able to resonate with little Timmy being so much younger. You have the entire book to delve into that. It doesn't need to be all in the first chapter.

Moving on.

They get back to their homes and we see the examples of the people in Robin's life. You do a very careful job of showing who the understanding folks are and the ones that just haven't quite understood it all. I won't give away who, for the sake of the story.

One thing I noticed along the whole thing is possibly a difference of language, I'll let you decide after I explain what I mean.

Robin couldn't help a grin from spreading across his face. It was adorable how Timothy's dad was so affectionate with him, but to Robin it was bittersweet. Dad never behaved like that with him, at least not at any point in the last six years. Mr. Button put Timothy down and went inside. Timothy followed him, but called out. “Come in and play with me, Robin!”

When this occurs throughout the text, it shifts the narration. I would have used something to keep it - I want to say possessive... anyway, the way I would have combined it is something like this:
"Robin's father hadn't behaved with such affection for at least the last six years."
You get the gist. I'll let you decide if its incorrect, since again we likely learned English much different.
Like - in the opening sentences, you use the word tarmac for road. To me a tarmac is the front part of an airstrip. It's these little differences that make it so I don't want to harp to heavily on your structure.

Moving on.

The trip. You bring in two names that until now we know nothing about. David and Emily.
You've given so much background and so much detail into everything else, its interesting that you skipped over these two - which I assumed were siblings.

After Timothy's new coat had been bought and paid for, Robin led him and Mr. Button out of the shop and into the mall. Robin blinked as he looked all around, there were shops everywhere. Far too many for his liking. They had what they came for, so why should they linger?

This is another example of the narration changing due to the internal question that Robin is asking. Again, It's just a concern but nothing I am going to rate.

Your writing gets faster and less flowery so the story moves pretty well, until they get to the trains. I found the section a little hard to juggle through, but I get why you did it. You are trying to show us the 'way' Robin sees the world - yet doing it from his eyes. He sees the unit numbers and understands the colors and lights. We don't. This could just be another way that you and I express ourselves differently - so I won't say much more.


Chapter 2.

You start off with the description of the morning and that is all well and good. No problem.
You circle back to the coat and how Robin feels yet again. By this time, the reader knows very well that the coat is important, it reminds Robin of Timmy and its physical description of it being 'blue and puffy'. You've even told us a few times about Robin's little tingle. At this point I would say 'less is more' - meaning, use that when necessary. Since the feeling is special to Robin, use it as special times.
Nothing bad, just a suggestion.

This is also the chapter where you start flipping your words a tad. Let me point it out.

When Robin knocked on the door of Timothy's house, Mrs. Button answered.
“Hi, I just wanted to see if Timothy wanted to come and play.”
“Timothy isn't feeling well.” replied Mrs. Button.
“Oh.” said Robin. Poor Timothy! He thought. It wasn't fun being ill, especially on a holiday.
“Yeah, sorry. He really can't come out to play.” added Mrs. Button.
“Maybe he'd like me to keep him company?” asked Robin.
“No, it's okay. We're looking after him. You'll see him when he's better.”
“Okay.” sighed Robin.

You didn't do it at all in the first chapter, but all through this one it changes back and forth on the noun placement. I am probably making a bigger deal out of it than necessary since there are a bunch of ways to do it. I am not harping so much as pointing it out in case you want to change it to be consistent.

We get lots of change and one particularly bad confrontation with a teenager for Robin to deal with.
I got the real impression that you've either raised someone with autism or have it yourself. Which given the story, makes you a much better judge of the content.

Robin's father and the coat are not uncommon, and I completely saw that as a lack of understanding.
You know that Robin's mother and Timmy's parents seem to get what the kids do not.
You spend a great deal of time with the trains again and finally Timmy sees the lights from chapter 1 that Robin wanted to show him, to little effect. Showing the contrast in how they think, even with the age difference.

I won't go too much more into the story-line, because it is 'Slice of Life'. It's shaping up to be a great after school special that would get moms all over to sit and shake their heads with.

Overall.
First thought, don't expect a thousand people here to read it. The subject matter appeals to those with autism who are trying to maybe understand themselves, people who have cared for someone with autism or older and more mature folks such as myself.

Next, the prose needs a tweak. Please use that site I referenced to possibly help you out.
Fix the wide array of run-on sentences. While I only pointed out one, there are quite a few.

The story is shaping up to be very heartfelt and explorative.
I enjoyed what I read after I got through the heavier prose that you provide.
so
3/5 cups.

I think you hover too much on the constant feeling within Robin in regards to Tim - to the detriment of telling the story. It is imperative that you move it forward at a pace that doesn't bog down your reader. Every chapter has its focus, and in reading it - I asked myself - what is this leading up to and why does this particular section matter? Just food for thought.
I did enjoy what you have and despite the issues, I am adding it to my own reading list. Thank you for the opportunity to peek into what I can only believe is a personal experience on some level for you.

Be well, and I hope this helped.

---

---

---

---

Hey Gabrielle! I would love for you to give me your opinions on my Story over a cup of Coffee with a drop of Honey. I would like to know if my story shows a good Connection Between my Main Characters Nell and Naomi as brother and sisters.

My Story: The Green House

Welcome to the Cafe! I will certainly be happy to look over your lovely words and have a cup of coffee in the process. Fair warning, I will be working diligently on my next chapter of my newest book over the next week - so while I have every intention of reading, I might not get to it THIS evening.
Be Well!

 

[AdOtherwise]

You were fine to begin with. I think the more you get into what you want to see on the page, the more your style will come out. You've got lots to say, I can't wait to see what you come up with :)

Thank you, I appreciate that greatly

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Thank you, I appreciate that greatly

No need to cry. Have a doughnut and a cup of tea. Tea makes everything better.

 

[harrydouthwaite]

@harrydouthwaite
Come on up to the counter as your Café au lait is ready!
I have taken the time to breeze over a couple chapters of your new book, Sixes and Sevens.


I had to keep in mind that the story is completely 'Slice of Life' with the backdrop of dealing with autism and how the folks around Robin act and treat him.
All the same, there are times where you can get bogged down in the details and even get repetitive.

I highlighted the parts that stuck out the most to me. One is pretty much a run-on sentence, the other is just unnecessary. I got the idea from the way you told us about the squealing tire and spinning. I've heard that sound many times when I was little, so it resonated with me.

It takes about another 600 words for you to move on beyond the constant toil of the bike getting stuck. Which at one point I recalled my own son at eight years and knew for a fact that eventually he would have gotten off the bike and pulled it himself.

I get that you were establishing the context and relationship between the two boys, but you spend the entirety of the chapter doing it. So having needle like focus on this one part is a little over the top. Consider a condensed version.

I understand you were also setting up the fact that Robin is the autistic one in the story, which is the explanation for him being able to resonate with little Timmy being so much younger. You have the entire book to delve into that. It doesn't need to be all in the first chapter.

I greatly appreciate you pointing this out, and am now in the process of making adjustments to the narration and fixing what you pointed out with the run-on-sentence. It was a bit clunky, I admit. Getting 'bogged down in details and repetitive' is a part of being autistic, especially with hyperfixations.
This story is actually a sequel, the original story has been removed from Scribblehub in preparation for publication. I posted here for general critique as well as suggestions like this, for fixing things I may have overlooked. But yes, I did put a focus on a sort of 'recap' which establishes the context and relationship both for new readers who haven't seen the prequel, but also for those who have. I daresay I can trim it down once I get time.

Moving on.

They get back to their homes and we see the examples of the people in Robin's life. You do a very careful job of showing who the understanding folks are and the ones that just haven't quite understood it all. I won't give away who, for the sake of the story.

One thing I noticed along the whole thing is possibly a difference of language, I'll let you decide after I explain what I mean.


When this occurs throughout the text, it shifts the narration. I would have used something to keep it - I want to say possessive... anyway, the way I would have combined it is something like this:
"Robin's father hadn't behaved with such affection for at least the last six years."
You get the gist. I'll let you decide if its incorrect, since again we likely learned English much different.
Like - in the opening sentences, you use the word tarmac for road. To me a tarmac is the front part of an airstrip. It's these little differences that make it so I don't want to harp to heavily on your structure.

Yes, Tarmac is the British word for Asphalt. Similarly Footpath for Sidewalk. Stabilizers for Training Wheels. As Timothy and his family are Canadian (and as I'm a British-Canadian) I sometimes use both definitions, but try to make it so the British characters primarily use the British terminologies, while the Canadian characters use the 'Americanisms'.

Moving on.

The trip. You bring in two names that until now we know nothing about. David and Emily.
You've given so much background and so much detail into everything else, its interesting that you skipped over these two - which I assumed were siblings.


This is another example of the narration changing due to the internal question that Robin is asking. Again, It's just a concern but nothing I am going to rate.

Your writing gets faster and less flowery so the story moves pretty well, until they get to the trains. I found the section a little hard to juggle through, but I get why you did it. You are trying to show us the 'way' Robin sees the world - yet doing it from his eyes. He sees the unit numbers and understands the colors and lights. We don't. This could just be another way that you and I express ourselves differently - so I won't say much more.

Yes, David and Emily are Timothy's siblings. In the story their presence provides a contrast between the way Robin is a helpful, affectionate big brother figure to Timothy, while his own siblings (around Robin's age) are judgmental, not affectionate, and won't help him.

Chapter 2.

You start off with the description of the morning and that is all well and good. No problem.
You circle back to the coat and how Robin feels yet again. By this time, the reader knows very well that the coat is important, it reminds Robin of Timmy and its physical description of it being 'blue and puffy'. You've even told us a few times about Robin's little tingle. At this point I would say 'less is more' - meaning, use that when necessary. Since the feeling is special to Robin, use it as special times.
Nothing bad, just a suggestion.

This is also the chapter where you start flipping your words a tad. Let me point it out.

You didn't do it at all in the first chapter, but all through this one it changes back and forth on the noun placement. I am probably making a bigger deal out of it than necessary since there are a bunch of ways to do it. I am not harping so much as pointing it out in case you want to change it to be consistent.

We get lots of change and one particularly bad confrontation with a teenager for Robin to deal with.
I got the real impression that you've either raised someone with autism or have it yourself. Which given the story, makes you a much better judge of the content.

I'll certainly keep this in mind. Yes, Robin is based upon myself and experiences most of the same things I did when I was his age.

Robin's father and the coat are not uncommon, and I completely saw that as a lack of understanding.
You know that Robin's mother and Timmy's parents seem to get what the kids do not.
You spend a great deal of time with the trains again and finally Timmy sees the lights from chapter 1 that Robin wanted to show him, to little effect. Showing the contrast in how they think, even with the age difference.

I won't go too much more into the story-line, because it is 'Slice of Life'. It's shaping up to be a great after school special that would get moms all over to sit and shake their heads with.

Overall.
First thought, don't expect a thousand people here to read it. The subject matter appeals to those with autism who are trying to maybe understand themselves, people who have cared for someone with autism or older and more mature folks such as myself.

Next, the prose needs a tweak. Please use that site I referenced to possibly help you out.
Fix the wide array of run-on sentences. While I only pointed out one, there are quite a few.

The story is shaping up to be very heartfelt and explorative.
I enjoyed what I read after I got through the heavier prose that you provide.
so
3/5 cups.

I think you hover too much on the constant feeling within Robin in regards to Tim - to the detriment of telling the story. It is imperative that you move it forward at a pace that doesn't bog down your reader. Every chapter has its focus, and in reading it - I asked myself - what is this leading up to and why does this particular section matter? Just food for thought.
I did enjoy what you have and despite the issues, I am adding it to my own reading list. Thank you for the opportunity to peek into what I can only believe is a personal experience on some level for you.

Be well, and I hope this helped.

Not to worry, my primary purpose for posting my work here is to share with other friends and acquaintances, with the secondary purpose for seeking constructive critique and other helpful suggestions before I look into having the story published.
I definitely have a hyperfocus on Robin's feelings for Timothy. He is loosely based on a friend that I had when I was Robin's age, and sadly the friendship didn't last. Writing about Timothy (since 2008) is my way of immortalizing that friendship, in a way that nothing else truly can. Timothy even wears the same orange flame shorts that my friend did, and Robin feels the same way about them as I did, there's more about this in the fifth chapter. Feel free to read what I have posted of Chapter Five, although I marked it incomplete, that's only because I want to to add more to it. It is structurally complete to where I finished off, but in railway terms it has stopped at a red signal for the time being.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

This story is actually a sequel, the original story has been removed from Scribblehub in preparation for publication

I've been asked a few times to publish Vivienne. I didn't make my book to sell it really. It's why I'm hosting it for free. I love that there's interest, but I prefer to be low key and keep reading free.

I'll certainly keep this in mind. Yes, Robin is based upon myself and experiences most of the same things I did when I was his age

I figured you were closer to the situation. Since it's out of your own head, maybe consider taking the whole thing and actually telling it from Robin's perspective. First person. That way hearing his thoughts can be as yours are at times. I personally think after what you've just said, since Robin is basically you..it might be easier.

Timothy even wears the same orange flame shorts that my friend did, and Robin feels the same way about them as I did, there's more about this in the fifth chapter.

The coat too, I suppose?
That's some beautiful devotion and you've honored your friend thus far. That is adorable by the way.
Your are doing a fine job, nothing truly to worry about.

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Hey Gabrielle! I would love for you to give me your opinions on my Story over a cup of Coffee with a drop of Honey. I would like to know if my story shows a good Connection Between my Main Characters Nell and Naomi as brother and sisters.

My Story: The Green House

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@GigiBlack

You have broken Rule number 2.

-2- No AI please. It's hard enough for me to work the apps on my phone or get ignored when I'm trying to get support from an automated voice. I'm not doing it in my cafe. I want real coffee, tea and creamer.

I only checked because the read for Chapter 1 was "too" perfect.

Lots of people resist a site, but what about 6? All of them said the same thing.
Chapter 1: 94%

Chapter 2: 97%

Futhermore, it isn't tagged anywhere on the page saying AI was used. Content guidelines state:

Prohibited Content​

The following guidelines list content that are not allowed. We reserve the right to remove any content we deem to be inappropriate.

• Pornographic stories - These are content that are basically porn without a plot. This is referring to the whole story, not a chapter or 50% of your story.
• Age of Consent - The age of consent is 18+. This is referring to the real age of the character. Any sexual content between characters must abide by this age of consent.
• Encouraging Non-Consensual Sexual Content - These are stories that are encouraging non-consensual sexual acts. Your story cannot be encouraging non-consensual sex acts.
• Illegal Sex Acts - These are content which encourages illegal sexual acts including but not limited to bestiality (real-world animals) or necrophilia.
• AI Generated Stories - Stories created mostly by AI will be rejected. You can use AI to help create your stories but most of the story should still be written by you.
• Non-English Stories - All stories should be written in English.

I have zero sympathy for you if your story gets pulled down.
You insult the rest of the community with the outright lie that this is "your" story.
I consider this matter closed and you are hereby ignored and blocked from any contact with me.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I finished the chapter of A&V that I was working on, so bring on the requests! I will grind up some fresh coffee and we can have a blast.

 

[Pearl487]

Dear Gabrielle,
Hello! I'm new to posting my stories on Scribble Hub (though I have posted on other sites), but I hope you'll like it nonetheless! I've only posted 4 chapters so far. Saying it from the start: while I use AI as a sounding board, not a single part of my story is written by AI. I don't think that's enough to get me disqualified, but feel free to swipe it off the counter if you don't like it. My story is here.