SurfAngel_1031
AKA: Gabrielle Morales
- Joined
- May 6, 2023
- Messages
- 243
- Points
- 103
@Rookieqw
I've been up early and while making a fresh batch of scones, thought I would entertain myself by reading your story - Duty, Empty Dreams and Trying Not to Become a Monster
So have one of these fresh scones and some peach tea, then we can discuss your story.
For the purpose of this conversation I read the following:
Synopsis
Prologue 1
Prologue 3
Prologue 5
Two things came to mind before I even opened the first prologue. First was, the time gap in writing. There is a few days short of 3 years between them. Second, why so many prologues?
For the record, a prologue is typically an introduction that is focused and crucial to the story that's about to start. It's a quick look into characters and a preceeding event.
To me, I consider it poor form to have lengthy and multiple prologues because you can easily derail your story before it begins. Mainly a danger of an info dump. If there is just that much you have to say, make it one separate prequel, or better yet find a way to bring it to the story within the story.
Moving on.
Prologue 1.
The first paragraph needs some work.
You also have split the detail. You've brought her fur up in the prior sentences. Combine them, organize it a little better.
Having said that, the opening scene is cute. A fun vibe where you can actually picture a family maybe watching a parade.
Speaking to the layout and organization, the very next paragraph about the husband. That should have come before this and really included some physical features to bring in that comparison you use for Kalasia.
The rest of the prologue was as I feared. An info dump. You managed to tell the reader everything you could around the family as they discussed what to do before Aranea is to leave. Multiple times you jump topics, such as the painter and the twins, then jump into more of the world building - the towns wealth, then back to the family. You even use the father's rank, without having done it prior. I even went back to look and unless I missed it - the mention just isn't there.
There's nothing in this that couldn't have been focused on within the main story. Your big surprise is the determination of the daughter.
Beyond that, the writing is about the same. Fine details, just out of order and in some need of editing. Nothing awful.
Prologue 3
This starts off much the same way as 1 did.
You have split the details of the fortress between Aranea's thoughts. One is even a run-on sentence.
Further reading makes the opening sentence about the fortress just an errant thought. The focus is on Aranea and the city detail which is petty good. Then you charge narrative for a sentence with "There was so much to see and learn in the world!"
Your problems are not with expression. You have fun detail and get your point across, eventually. You have a deep issue with organizing your content. Consider moving the duel into its own section without the interruption of soccer.
Well short version, the interaction with the other cubs gets her to run off and meet strangers, that capture the main character and knock her out.
This again just fits a normal chapter narrative, it's not really a prologue. It's not concise, it is important...but. You get my point. The last line - He threw the girl up, and she felt a blow to the back of her head. Everything went black after that.- didn't need 'after that'.
This prologue had much the same issues as the first. Good premise, good detail but execution needs work.
Prologue 5
Third paragraph fits better if you move it up.
Organization.
This is also is more a prequel thing than a prologue.
Having read these three, if there's another story coming, then these need to be considered on their own or ideally integrated into the actual story.
This section is pretty much identical to the others.
Good visuals, like this:
My overall impression.
First, this genre really isn't my strength. So what visuals I did get with the beastkin were quite entertaining. You bring that flare to life pretty well. So good job.
It's the layout and disjointed thoughts that make this very difficult to grasp. It seems like you wrote it completely in the scribble hub editor without any real direction. As you thought of it, you said it.
There's just too many structure issues.
- 1/5 cups. Please, take each part and figure out where it meets the story you want to tell, since by definition this is just the prelude to the actual story. 18k words in all these and we still don't have the actual plot or story if these are prologues.
Good luck and it was a pleasure to see your world. Be well.
Cafe menu update.
After the pleasure of reading your fine stories, I thought it necessary to say something further.
First, keep in mind that we are all amateur writers. Given that is the case, I don't expect perfection. In fact, I have the same issues in my own writing, but I have two lovely friends that read and tell me things they catch as potential issues.
Your hostess isn't beyond making mistakes. I make and have made thousands of them. Many times the exact same ones.
A little background with my most well known book, Vivienne. Many do not know, but chapters 1-8 are complete rewrites. It took me about six months to go line by line and add in better detail and structure. By the time I had finished, the story had taken a drastic turn and we have what is published right now.
I was eviscerated by a few folks, and it hurt. To my core.
There were only two viable options. Quit or fix my mistakes and do my best to write my book. The latter forced me to admit that what I had was not good, but could be better.
Thanks to those events, I keep the humiliation of being told outright that my structure "sucked" and my characters were "not interesting" in my head as I read.
I've said it before, I know exactly how hard it is to put yourself out in the public eye and let someone look at your innermost thoughts. These books / stories are part of you and I recognize that above all.
So regardless of my rating of your stories, do not give up or stop trying. All of us have something to say, so do it.
I've been up early and while making a fresh batch of scones, thought I would entertain myself by reading your story - Duty, Empty Dreams and Trying Not to Become a Monster
So have one of these fresh scones and some peach tea, then we can discuss your story.
For the purpose of this conversation I read the following:
Synopsis
Prologue 1
Prologue 3
Prologue 5
Two things came to mind before I even opened the first prologue. First was, the time gap in writing. There is a few days short of 3 years between them. Second, why so many prologues?
For the record, a prologue is typically an introduction that is focused and crucial to the story that's about to start. It's a quick look into characters and a preceeding event.
To me, I consider it poor form to have lengthy and multiple prologues because you can easily derail your story before it begins. Mainly a danger of an info dump. If there is just that much you have to say, make it one separate prequel, or better yet find a way to bring it to the story within the story.
Moving on.
Prologue 1.
The first paragraph needs some work.
First, her height is irrelevant at this point since you've not told us anything about her husband. Sure we can infer that he's fairly big, but that's not quite the point. A comparison needs something to be compared to. Second, there's a tense change in the 'snout' sentence "was". It's better and in the matching tense to say something like "Bearing an elongated snout..."Kalaisa simply smiled at their bickering. To an outsider’s eye, their family could be considered unusual. Kalaisa hailed from the Wolf Tribe, a group of Wolfkins inhabiting the untamed Ravaged Lands. Her large, black-furred form dwarfed even her husband’s figure, standing head and shoulders taller. The woman’s amber eyes glowed brightly, like a pair of flashlights, a sign of her former rank as a warlord. Her snout was elongated, and her thick black fur could stop even bullets. Right now it was clean, carefully combed, and shining in the soft lighting of the room. For today’s occasion, she put on a simple black dress, and around her neck was a silver necklace bearing the symbol of the Wintersong family.
You also have split the detail. You've brought her fur up in the prior sentences. Combine them, organize it a little better.
Having said that, the opening scene is cute. A fun vibe where you can actually picture a family maybe watching a parade.
Speaking to the layout and organization, the very next paragraph about the husband. That should have come before this and really included some physical features to bring in that comparison you use for Kalasia.
The rest of the prologue was as I feared. An info dump. You managed to tell the reader everything you could around the family as they discussed what to do before Aranea is to leave. Multiple times you jump topics, such as the painter and the twins, then jump into more of the world building - the towns wealth, then back to the family. You even use the father's rank, without having done it prior. I even went back to look and unless I missed it - the mention just isn't there.
There's nothing in this that couldn't have been focused on within the main story. Your big surprise is the determination of the daughter.
Beyond that, the writing is about the same. Fine details, just out of order and in some need of editing. Nothing awful.
Prologue 3
This starts off much the same way as 1 did.
You have split the details of the fortress between Aranea's thoughts. One is even a run-on sentence.
Further reading makes the opening sentence about the fortress just an errant thought. The focus is on Aranea and the city detail which is petty good. Then you charge narrative for a sentence with "There was so much to see and learn in the world!"
Your problems are not with expression. You have fun detail and get your point across, eventually. You have a deep issue with organizing your content. Consider moving the duel into its own section without the interruption of soccer.
Run-on sentence that is confusing in the middle about almost reaching the second floor.She ran into a building, almost leaped over the broken stairs to the second floor, jumped out the nearest window, evading the broken glass lodged in the frame, landed softly on all fours, rolled once, and ran through the bushes to the slums.
Well short version, the interaction with the other cubs gets her to run off and meet strangers, that capture the main character and knock her out.
This again just fits a normal chapter narrative, it's not really a prologue. It's not concise, it is important...but. You get my point. The last line - He threw the girl up, and she felt a blow to the back of her head. Everything went black after that.- didn't need 'after that'.
This prologue had much the same issues as the first. Good premise, good detail but execution needs work.
Prologue 5
Second sentence is a run-on.From what she knew about it, it was both a prison of sorts and a meditation area. The Ice Fangs visited it to reminisce about their temporarily lost homeland or to gain a firsthand impression of what it looked like while they pondered the mistakes they had committed or tackled a particularly difficult mental task.
Third paragraph fits better if you move it up.
Organization.
This is also is more a prequel thing than a prologue.
Having read these three, if there's another story coming, then these need to be considered on their own or ideally integrated into the actual story.
This section is pretty much identical to the others.
Good visuals, like this:
But in desperate need of revision and organization. It's really the only thing holding the story back. Other than the confusion on what part these "prologues" play for the rest of the book.He was a sage, understood Aranea by his tall height and the marking of three unfinished circles spreading from the center of a circular image on his left shoulder. A rank below a sword saint, this man dedicated himself to unearthing dangerous secrets in the abandoned laboratories, eradicating the world-threatening plagues, and performing miracles in the hospitals, saving thousands and curing the once incurable. Though a noble profession, Keyl had once whispered to her how this wing of the sages’ organization often used their knowledge of physiology and the less dangerous discoveries to defeat the worst scum in the most gruesome ways.
My overall impression.
First, this genre really isn't my strength. So what visuals I did get with the beastkin were quite entertaining. You bring that flare to life pretty well. So good job.
It's the layout and disjointed thoughts that make this very difficult to grasp. It seems like you wrote it completely in the scribble hub editor without any real direction. As you thought of it, you said it.
There's just too many structure issues.

Good luck and it was a pleasure to see your world. Be well.
Cafe menu update.
After the pleasure of reading your fine stories, I thought it necessary to say something further.
First, keep in mind that we are all amateur writers. Given that is the case, I don't expect perfection. In fact, I have the same issues in my own writing, but I have two lovely friends that read and tell me things they catch as potential issues.
Your hostess isn't beyond making mistakes. I make and have made thousands of them. Many times the exact same ones.
A little background with my most well known book, Vivienne. Many do not know, but chapters 1-8 are complete rewrites. It took me about six months to go line by line and add in better detail and structure. By the time I had finished, the story had taken a drastic turn and we have what is published right now.
I was eviscerated by a few folks, and it hurt. To my core.
There were only two viable options. Quit or fix my mistakes and do my best to write my book. The latter forced me to admit that what I had was not good, but could be better.
Thanks to those events, I keep the humiliation of being told outright that my structure "sucked" and my characters were "not interesting" in my head as I read.
I've said it before, I know exactly how hard it is to put yourself out in the public eye and let someone look at your innermost thoughts. These books / stories are part of you and I recognize that above all.
So regardless of my rating of your stories, do not give up or stop trying. All of us have something to say, so do it.

Last edited: