Gabrielle's Creative Corner Cafe!

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Dear Gabrielle,
Hello! I'm new to posting my stories on Scribble Hub (though I have posted on other sites), but I hope you'll like it nonetheless! I've only posted 4 chapters so far. Saying it from the start: while I use AI as a sounding board, not a single part of my story is written by AI. I don't think that's enough to get me disqualified, but feel free to swipe it off the counter if you don't like it. My story is here.
Good morning @Pearl487!!!
So glad you stopped by for a bit of coffee and a little fireside chat. The Cafe has been slow for a week or so, thus I have lots of time in my hands.
I'm very glad you at least told me about the AI reference. I'll take your word that the chapters are written entirely by you.
Give me a little time to read this and enjoy the rest atmosphere!
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
@Pearl487
While you were sitting down chatting with the others over a nice iced white chocolate mocha, I went ahead and read a couple chapters of your story - Amaryllis in Bloom.

For the purposes of this feedback, I read the following:
Synopsis
Prologue
Chapter 1

Synopsis:
Quick and to the point. I was intrigued about the age of Amaryllis in comparison to the rest of the synopsis saying she was looking to lead her own life. Sounds kinda weird for a 4 yr old, but let's move on.

Prologue:
Plain and simple, it needs a mountain of work.
You start out with Samantha in her lab, you have her bored to hell - as per the dull look in her eyes, you mention a few other explosions while she's looking at code of all things without really explaining anything.
Before we have any real clue who Samantha is - Boom.
Not shocking that another explosion goes off and Samantha is whisked away.

Now, I asked myself why I even cared about this character. Seriously, two minutes into the reading - she's dead.
I know this happens pretty fast in the genre you picked, but there's nothing to latch onto for the character. That's just the plot.
Editorially this is a disaster.
You use parentheses to convey things that you really, really need to put into the narrative.
Then you end it with a question. "Or is she?" - Obviously not, or the story ends here.
You swap narrative to first person - lucky for the reader, you at least said it was someone's point of view.
Which honestly doesn't help at all, given the speech directly after.
A few lines later - we surmise because of the lab reference, the person is Sam.
You make it distinct at the start that the controlling person is in fact Samantha "Nope, no Amy's here." A fact which will soon become an issue.
then you spend two paragraphs on the fact that the clothing is different.
After more small reveals that Samantha landed in Amy's body, you do this:
Suddenly, a wave of pain crashed into my skull, a force that felt like it could splinter my very essence. I clutched my head. The world blurred around me, people screaming in panic, but all I could focus on was the agony spiralling in what felt like my very soul, merging past and present like a storm.

It hurts! It hurts so bad!! I clutched my head.

“Something’s wrong…”

“What are you doing, heal my child this instant!!”

“My power isn’t working… it seems that this is not a physical illness….”

Then came a rush. A surge. Memories—riotous, sharp, unstoppable—splintered into me like shrapnel. Fractured images flickered across my mind—a life as Amaryllis pierced my heart, blending with my life as Samantha.
These two things are basically the same thought only split by the parents yelling at the priest.
My thing is - first it should be one combined thought - and next, Why would Samantha/Amy comprehend what they were saying with this much going on in her head. She's four years old. At least one personality is, in extreme pain and suffering thoughts and memories she's never had - yet somehow it is important that we hear the parents and priest going back and forth.
Doesn't work for me.

Chapter 1.
I will first point out that Chapter 2 is also in this Chapter. Clearly labeled as such. I am not sure how that happened, but you need to be aware that chapter 2 is in effect posted twice.
Moving on.

It seriously takes four paragraphs for you to combine the two personalities into one new personality. So now I ask, why did you even make it distinct in the Prologue?
It also reads quite bad while you are leading up to the third personality.
You mess up Amy's age and call her three - your synopsis says four.
You really go overboard with the parentheses in the chapter. Please, bring those concepts to the actual read not as some errant subtext.
Closing my eyes, I tried to figure out what had happened. The last thing I could remember was being… two souls in one body? I was Samantha Finnley, a Physicist from the world of Earth, but I was also Amaryllis Charlemont, a noble child in a kingdom named Paxton. Memories of Amy’s first steps blended with Samantha’s late-night lab sessions— two lives, one mind.

As far as I could tell, Amy had been eating dinner when she collapsed out of nowhere. For some reason, the soul of Samantha (called Sam by no one but herself) had entered this body after an accident in her lab.

Perhaps not knowing what to do with being the vessel of 2 souls at once, my body was put under a lot of strain, worsening my symptoms but also… merging the souls into one.

That soul is who I am now. Both Amy and Sam, but also uniquely me in a way they weren’t. A new soul carrying the hues of two others.
This is a narrative shift. You go from this third personality in the first person right into a narrative of third person, then back to first person.
Then you skip to Samantha's life, and that goes into third person narrative as well.
We finally learn that while Samantha was being blown up in her lab, little Amy was having some sort of seizure at the same time.
This really should have been part of the Prologue. Since both characters are supposedly equal to the story, beginning with one narrative for a dual event is not good.
I get through the rest of the section listening to the family surround Amy and are happy she's suddenly awakened.
Then this:
As I was changing into a dress, I realised, Wait, Mr Alphonso mentioned something about healing magic??? Instead of time travel… Was I isekai’d???
I find it difficult to believe that a combination of a three/four year old mind and an adult mind would even know what the heck "Isekai" is, let alone comment on it. This line literally made me go, "Oh, no."

Overall impression: 0 cups.
From the start I had a hard time following what you were trying to accomplish.
I suggest rebuilding this from the ground up.
Everything. Concept to writing. Once you sit down and hammer out what you want to say, then have a friend go over the plot and concepts to make sure they are what you are looking to accomplish.
Finally, show it. Don't just say things, don't just tangent off with parentheses.
Give the reader something to grasp onto and keep reading.
Look back on some of your favorite authors and see how they design their stories and see if you can emulate and adapt a style that you resonate with.
Based on what I read, you do have a very rich imagination, use that to your advantage.

Be well, and thank you for the read!
 
Last edited:

CharlesEBrown

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2024
Messages
2,727
Points
113
I find it difficult to believe that a combination of a three/four year old mind and an adult mind would even know what the heck "Isekai" is, let alone comment on it. This line literally made me go, "Oh, no."

Especially given that Clayface gets it wrong (confusing Isekai with Portal Fantasy) in the Suicide Squad: Isekai animation series it is kind of weird that this "new soul" would!
 

Pearl487

New member
Joined
Apr 24, 2025
Messages
6
Points
3
Dear Gabrielle, thanks for taking the time to read my story and give me some feedback!
Ahahaha… the funny thing is that in the first version of the story, there was a single paragraph describing that part of the prologue. After reading it, my friend was like, 'show don't tell!!' I really didn't mean to make people care for THIS version of the character in the first place.
...Yeah I'll have to rework the prologue. The shift is quite jarring, isn't it?

The soul merge basically went like this: Amy's soul in the body, almost comes out of her body due to almost dying, Sam's soul pops into the body in that gap, and because of the healing magic Amy is no longer dying so her soul settles back in. Obviously, having two souls in a body does not work.
The first paragraph is basically the straining of the 'dam' between the two, while the second is when the merge actually happens.

"Why would Samantha/Amy comprehend what they were saying with this much going on in her head. She's four years old. At least one personality is, in extreme pain and suffering thoughts and memories she's never had - yet somehow it is important that we hear the parents and priest going back and forth. Doesn't work for me." Thanks for pointing this out! It was a blind spot, I just really wanted to introduce healing magic in this phase and so I didn't think about whether it would be realistic for someone in extreme pain to hear everything being said around it.

'I will first point out that Chapter 2 is also in this Chapter. Clearly labeled as such. I am not sure how that happened, but you need to be aware that chapter 2 is in effect posted twice. Moving on.' …? I'll have to check that out. I might have made a mistake while posting it.

'You really go overboard with the parentheses in the chapter. Please, bring those concepts to the actual read not as some errant subtext.' *winces* Yeah I'll look for an editor.
'This really should have been part of the start. Since both characters are supposedly equal to the story, beginning with one narrative for a dual event is not good.' Ooh, an idea! My creative juices are flowing.

'I find it difficult to believe that a combination of a three/four year old mind and an adult mind would even know what the heck "Isekai" is, let alone comment on it. This line literally made me go, "Oh, no."' Well, the adult mind (Sam) is meant to be Gen Z. She was raised in the modern world, and it will come out in the next chapters that she was really into light novels, specifically the isekai genre.

Overall, thanks for giving me such a thorough review! It looks like I'll have to entirely rework the prologue and Chapter 1, but it'll be so worth it! I have a good freidn willing to go over it too, so there's that.

'Finally, show it. Don't just say things, don't just tangent off with parentheses. Give the reader something to grasp onto and keep reading. Look back on some of your favorite authors and see how they design their stories and see if you can emulate and adapt a style that you resonate with.' *salutes* Yes ma'am!

...Also how does one embed text here? I have literally never used this forum before in my life, yesterday was my first time.
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Dear Gabrielle, thanks for taking the time to read my story and give me some feedback!
Ahahaha… the funny thing is that in the first version of the story, there was a single paragraph describing that part of the prologue. After reading it, my friend was like, 'show don't tell!!' I really didn't mean to make people care for THIS version of the character in the first place.
...Yeah I'll have to rework the prologue. The shift is quite jarring, isn't it?

The soul merge basically went like this: Amy's soul in the body, almost comes out of her body due to almost dying, Sam's soul pops into the body in that gap, and because of the healing magic Amy is no longer dying so her soul settles back in. Obviously, having two souls in a body does not work.
The first paragraph is basically the straining of the 'dam' between the two, while the second is when the merge actually happens.

"Why would Samantha/Amy comprehend what they were saying with this much going on in her head. She's four years old. At least one personality is, in extreme pain and suffering thoughts and memories she's never had - yet somehow it is important that we hear the parents and priest going back and forth. Doesn't work for me." Thanks for pointing this out! It was a blind spot, I just really wanted to introduce healing magic in this phase and so I didn't think about whether it would be realistic for someone in extreme pain to hear everything being said around it.

'I will first point out that Chapter 2 is also in this Chapter. Clearly labeled as such. I am not sure how that happened, but you need to be aware that chapter 2 is in effect posted twice. Moving on.' …? I'll have to check that out. I might have made a mistake while posting it.

'You really go overboard with the parentheses in the chapter. Please, bring those concepts to the actual read not as some errant subtext.' *winces* Yeah I'll look for an editor.
'This really should have been part of the start. Since both characters are supposedly equal to the story, beginning with one narrative for a dual event is not good.' Ooh, an idea! My creative juices are flowing.

'I find it difficult to believe that a combination of a three/four year old mind and an adult mind would even know what the heck "Isekai" is, let alone comment on it. This line literally made me go, "Oh, no."' Well, the adult mind (Sam) is meant to be Gen Z. She was raised in the modern world, and it will come out in the next chapters that she was really into light novels, specifically the isekai genre.

Overall, thanks for giving me such a thorough review! It looks like I'll have to entirely rework the prologue and Chapter 1, but it'll be so worth it! I have a good freidn willing to go over it too, so there's that.

'Finally, show it. Don't just say things, don't just tangent off with parentheses. Give the reader something to grasp onto and keep reading. Look back on some of your favorite authors and see how they design their stories and see if you can emulate and adapt a style that you resonate with.' *salutes* Yes ma'am!

...Also how does one embed text here? I have literally never used this forum before in my life, yesterday was my first time.
The quote function at the top, then I just copy and paste the stuff I want to use
 

yasa

Active member
Joined
Mar 2, 2024
Messages
11
Points
28
Hello dearest Gabrielle,
My sincerest greetings to you! Well, uh, despite my quite elegant opening, unfortunately I'm the farthest from elegant. In fact, I indulge in ornate vulgarity!
Ehem. Ehem.
Let me not be weird for at least one second and ask you the question why I had beset upon this thread.
Will you, for the lowly I, read my story? If you were to, then it would bring me great joy.
Ehem. Ehem.
I am currently repulsed by my own cringe worthy act that I'll be seeing myself crying on a corner of my room. Ah, I nearly forgot. Thank you for even giving me the slightest attention by reading this. Again, I thank you dearly.
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Hello dearest Gabrielle,
My sincerest greetings to you! Well, uh, despite my quite elegant opening, unfortunately I'm the farthest from elegant. In fact, I indulge in ornate vulgarity!
Ehem. Ehem.
Let me not be weird for at least one second and ask you the question why I had beset upon this thread.
Will you, for the lowly I, read my story? If you were to, then it would bring me great joy.
Ehem. Ehem.
I am currently repulsed by my own cringe worthy act that I'll be seeing myself crying on a corner of my room. Ah, I nearly forgot. Thank you for even giving me the slightest attention by reading this. Again, I thank you dearly.
Good morning @yasa !
That was a very flamboyant introduction. You really should have someone look at that cough. However, in the mean time, I happen to have a medicinal tea that might be right up your alley. My...mm hmm.... Pink Papaya Nectar herbal tea. It's down right salacious.
While my tea tantalizes you, I'll breeze through a few chapters and let you know what I find.
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
@yasa

Good Afternoon! After a mountain of double spiced chai, with lots of ice and milk, I have in fact finished reading some of your story called :
Mockery of Once Innocent Delusions

I opened the page and read over the tags, and saw "Harem" and "Isekai"
Which are not my strongest points. So there might be something that I missed in the genre that other folks will get right away. So keep that in mind as I go over what I saw and read.
For the purposes of this review I read the following:
Synopsis
Chapter 0 - Prologue
Chapter 1 - Remembering One's Past
Chapter 2 - A New Brutal World (1)

Normally I would have skipped around and tried to see what the deeper parts of your book had, to see if there was improvement and the like. You were pretty regular until March where you stopped for a month. So I apologize in advance for not seeing more of the later chapters.
When I go into the story, we will see why I picked them in order.

Synopsis:
「If you had the choice to live your life again, would you do it?」

To some, being able to live your life again is intriguing, a dream even. But is it all just flowers and sunshine?
I would take these out. I am not real sure why you have the brackets around the first question, which is directed at the reader, then you send out a second question that is reflective in nature.
Then you go right into your real synopsis. Forget the fluff, and just give us the basics like you have in the rest. It's cleaner.
Moving on.

Chapter 0 - Prologue:

Immediately I was hit with a plethora of editing issues, organization problems and even changes in perspective. Furthermore, as I will show in a second, some of your paragraphs, sentences are just plain hard to get through. AKA - Purple Prose.
Let's start with the hard sentences. I took the time to use my ever trusty site https://hemingwayapp.com/

example-hem1.jpg


The one that really stuck out to me was later in the section:


example-hem2.jpg


Take what you need to from this, and do what you like. The things that the site pointed out were in fact the hardest things to read in the Prologue. It bogged down the narrative.
Having pointed that out, I will dive into the organization.

What was once a quiet city of humans became a gigantic lamp within a day. The humans were fleeing from the fire. Some were charred. Others were trying to douse the roaring flames but were failing as the smoke choked them off.
An army of 5,000 soldiers surrounded the castle, where I observed the devastation before me.
A week had passed since the city was offered a peaceful surrender. The 73rd Demon Lord’s army was ordered to spare as many humans as possible by the 73rd Demon Lord himself. Despite the objections of his generals, they reluctantly agreed to the orders he gave them. It was both a noble and utterly pointless decision, and his generals knew that...
Then you have a section about humans fleeing, then this:
...Blood decorated the walls of the city's castle. It was a beautiful sight where the boastful mouths of those who chose to oppose the young lord were now eternally silenced. The knights that had commenced the eradication had already left, leaving me and the young lord alone with the corpses that were unceremoniously executed...
This is the example of the organization. This section should have been integrated into the beginning so it flows and sets up the backdrop for what is to come.

Now then,
Your POV shifts.
You, throughout this section go from first person - peripheral to first person - central. Let me show you the example that stood out the most.

He pointed to a burning child.
The young lord’s body swayed from left to right, looking at that one child and observing it carefully, frequently muttering random singular words ranging from ‘tiny’, ‘flee’, and ‘live’, to more ominous words such as ‘disgrace’, ‘pathetic’, and ‘die’.
This happened for a while, with the young lord’s words becoming more deranged until he stopped entirely.
He drank from the bottle of wine, then spoke.

“If we were to release a frail child to this world alone, what would happen? Would the child struggle, resist, and live? Could there be a hopeful outcome for those who were abandoned? Those who were left by their family—father, mother, siblings, and all? Such a child, devoid of protection and an absence of a nurturing family. A child who has not experienced the warmth of a parent’s embrace and the comforting words of siblings......”
My eyes were fixed on the child he pointed to, who tore its own skin when it tried to put the fire out, dying in an unpleasant manner.
I sighed internally.
It seems like the young lord is in another mumbling session, though this time he may be just drunk. It is quite concerning that the young lord has been a drunkard lately.
Well, what can I say? I am merely a concubine to his lordship after all.
This much is common.

“What will happen...... what will happen...... Scylla, what do you think would happen?”
He turned to me, who was standing quietly by his side.
Okay, the highlights point out to a couple things that are editorially needed.
The two in italics show distinctly that the POV shifts. From peripheral to central. This happens quite a bit
That last highlight is just worded oddly is all, I think it just needs to be something like "While standing quietly, He turned to me..." <-- You get the gist.

“But what if those that made the child grow...... its parents, its siblings...... be taken away? Would that same plant continue to grow or will it wither? Would the child still be able to survive?”
This sentence is nuts. I know you were referring to earlier in the section where you ask if a flower could grow and likened it back to the children, but this. Wow. Look at that second question. They don't make any sense. The first question is directly about kids. Without that one, the second one is pointless. However, with the jump in wording - it makes it sound like you have a plant's parents and siblings taken away.
I suggest cleaning it up.

We get musings from a Demon Lord and his concubine, which also is confusing (See the Hemingway section to assist)
Then it closes out.

Chapter 1.
This chapters issues begin right from the start.
[Unknown]
Based on the prior section we learn that is how this story projects who is talking. IN this case we simply will not know.
Which then becomes an issue.

We figure out most of the way through the section that Unknown person 1 - barely lived through an earthquake.
A typical isekai setup for removing a character early on. IN this case we don't even know who it is.
Only that the section is now back to first person - central, which was a shift from the prior chapter. However since it is a new chapter it's 'kinda' allowed, so I won't be too hard about it.
First, the opening sequence needs organization. You go through that she got up and went to work just to say it again.

It had been the usual day.
Waking up, commuting to work, and staying to work till past 12. Such a dull routine.
“Hahhhh......”


I only woke up to work today, yet this is how things ended up. This is bullshit. For a whole building to collapse on a perfectly good day, where there's little to no work, and me having fun disregarding what my younger colleague’s mumbling was. Isn’t this just damning? Not only am I jobless now, but also a cripple. Living will be a nightmare moving forward.
Organize the ideas. Other than that, you have a few tense shifts here as well. Nothing a fine edit can't resolve.
Let's move on.

This person goes on to hate life more than ever since a building more or less fell on her. Then we get this:
The world around me blurred into a mess. The pain I felt throughout my body was now gone, and the tips of my fingers grew colder.
I exhaled a long, pneumatic sigh and surrendered to it.
I slept.



“If you had the choice to live your life again, would you do it? I mean, think about it. For me, going back to childhood sounds great. Playing with old friends, having no worries. Shit, it makes me happy and sad at the same time. What about you?”
“Me? Why ask?”
“Just curious. Would you do it? It’s like a second chance to make things right. Don’t you ever wish you could escape to simpler times?”
“......”
“Isn’t that worth going back for?”
“No, no. It's just too much of a hassle.”
Okay. Let's start with my pet peeve. The singular thing I hate in lots of books I have seen.
Ellipsis. This thing -> "...."
No. Absolutely not. If you can't think of a real emotion or something character driven, then don't. That mess is a heap of nothing. It doesn't even "tell" anything. Certainly doesn't "show" anything. Poor, poor form. I won't mince words, I detest the use. Be imaginative. You have so far. The depth on the human killing, the thoughts of this person buried under the rubble, to the fact the person is wanting to sue the building.
Then you fail us with that mess up there. No.

Second,
There is a huge space, which is fine since the last thing Unknown 1 says is "I slept."
So what the heck is the last section. Why are you asking the reader the same question that was in the synopsis. It isn't for the reader to decide. You are the author, you provide.
IF this is Unknown 1 - then by all means, show us that it is.
Which brings me to why I had to go in order.
I don't know WHO the heck I am dealing with. I knew the concubine's name, but this whole section never once tells the reader who is trapped under the rubble, and whats more, does not do a good job in getting us to care. It's lots of typical isekai "I hate my life" and very little plot.

“If you had the choice to live your life again, would you do it?”


That question was in my head.
I am leaving the structure just as you have it. You do this ALL the time. Why is the speech separate from the person saying said thing? Put them together.

You have a few other editing issues like run-on sentences but other than that - you tell a short tale. It is descriptive and eventually you get your point across.

Chapter 2 - part 1.

Identical issues as before.
No named character that even matched the two chapters prior, so I have no clue what is happening and I read them in order.
I find that to be a particularly bad omen.
What is a child to their parents?


Is it a form of their affection? A symbol of intimacy? A child, born of their unrivaled love for each other?


Love, such a bullshit thing.


I digress, a child is merely an accident, if not a burden. Love has little to do with it. It is simply the parents wanting something to exploit for money so their lives would become more lavish. Or maybe something to hit while they’re bored. Either way, my point still stands. Children, more often than not, are just convenient burdens for their parents to twist into something useful. At least, that’s how it was for me.


I suppose it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. You have to gnaw at everything to survive, after all.


That was what my own father taught me.

“If only you weren’t born.”
More of the asking the reader, when you should be presenting. At least the section is in First person - central, even if the tense is wildly back and forth between present and past.
Why are these questions and statement all spread out? If it's one person thinking all this, which I assume it is since there's no dialogue - there's no need for the line spacing. Just write it and move on.

The man in front of me was my father. He had been sitting on a hospital bed for a few months now, dying. In those past months, I never said a word to him and only came here when the doctors said his time was nearing. I didn't really want to bother looking after him, but I went anyway. I’ve been sitting across his bed for a few hours, this was the only time he regarded me.
Example of Present/Past tense shifts. They are plentiful, so edit.
Moving on.

You finally opened your mouth. I thought you might have gone mute or perhaps deaf.”


“......”


“Well? Keep talking.”
Dreaded and horrific story insert. At least thanks to the father being a pain in the ass, we know that the person just opened their mouth.
So, why use the ellipsis? Oh, right - to convey a look or attitude. STOP.
Quit being lazy and typing like you are on twitter or freaking texting. This is a book.

So the story distinctly shows us that this father is a bastard and even tells Unknown 2 - that they should have been drowned. Lovely parent, by the way. I don't think anyone could be worse other than Charles Manson. Well done with the evil parent monologue.

Two Steps forward and one step back. The chapter splits.
Now we have yet another unknown - let's say Unknown 3.

[Unknown?]


[Jail]
So we have an inkling - which is fine, a little short on the description but it's "okay".
After reading a few disjointed lines like the other chapters and sections, I THINK its the same person, or it sounds like it could be given the internal bashing of being worthless again. Unfortunately, since there are no names associated - I can't honestly tell.
Moving on.
Did I survive that incident? Then why am I in such a place? Shouldn’t I be in a hospital?
My hand...... my guts...... my legs...... they’re here, intact.
I tried to move my body, and when I did, there was a sound that followed—a clanging of metal, likely of a chain. A painful throbbing suddenly jolted throughout my body and resonated with every fiber of my muscles. I threw up because of that.
After some time, the throbbing feeling lessened, and a plate with gray slop on it greeted me.

“[Eat up.]”
I heard someone’s voice.
There was a man in front of me beyond the metal bars. He had long brown hair with armaments around his chest, and a silver, ornate sheath hung at his hip.
“Whe—uck!?”
I cut the word midway and gasped for air. It hurt to speak.
“[Tsk. Demon brat.]”
Ah, finally. It's the unknown person from Chapter 1. Still no name, but apparently a 'demon brat'
But you start a trend here that I don't understand. I looked in the glossary to see if it meant anything and it doesn't.
Brackets around your speech ["Hello"]
Why...what are you trying to do. It's never happened prior to this and it confused me.
Not to mention there are tense shifts within that highlighted area.

Anyway, lets move on.

Sigh.

I looked around—it seemed like I was in a decrepit place, a jail. An annoying silence was all around me. It was broken only by an occasional echo of a step taken by men walking about and the low whispers they said to one another.
Even in these unusual situations, my mind would be oddly calm, and I could think much more rationally than most people. It might be from my earlier experiences in life that I’m not even surprised by suddenly waking up here.
Think.
Jail. Foreign language. The man. My body.
Why even say Jail at the front, if you were just going to describe it later through this persons eyes? I don't get it.
More of the same split sentences for no reason.
then we get a list of things.
— Jail. Am I being held hostage? This place does have the quality of an abandoned storage house or something similar. There is a high possibility of that.
— Language. From what I’ve heard, he wasn’t speaking a language I knew. Korean, Chinese, Japanese, German, Russian. None seemed to match.
— Man. From what I could see, he’s someone who guards this place. If so, this information only cements the fact that I’m being held as a hostage.
— Body. How? How did my body heal in such a short amount of time? It also seems like my body shrank. Is this even possible given that I was on the brink of death? I don’t know. The clothes I was wearing were also different. From my office working clothes, consisting of a slacks and a suit, now it was a long-sleeved white shirt and a black leather-like jeans.
While it isn't "wrong" to do this, I personally think it would flow better through the character as a unified set of thoughts with descriptive text. I see this more like reading stereo instructions. So, while I am not a fan, I am not going to hold this against you. Just a personal observation.

I had a rough understanding of what was happening. But I’m still in the dark here, both figuratively and literally. Not only do my current circumstances give me more questions than answers, but I’m also bound to a wall.
You did the list, and then right after explained what they are thinking. It's why I suggested to make it one. If you aren't, then this next sentence is pointless. Since the person just went over the list of their understanding.

I lay there, still dazed, staring at the moss in the corner, trying to regain my breath. I could feel a slight coldness at the side of my face. I moved my already aching body and took a seated posture. There was a tiny puddle where my head was. It had traces of red blood on it. I could see my faint reflection on it, murky due to the dim light.
“......”
Who......
Who is this?
Sentence structure is too shallow for what you've done prior to this. Make that paragraph flow better. You are better than this.
Ellipsis - need I say it again?
Then the two right after.
We finally get to the confusion. This person has finally seen themselves in a low light in a small reflection of their blood.
Suffers from the same issue that the other chapters did.
You need to bring all of the sentences together and just make a real paragraph from them. Use the one line idea for something impactful. I have reviewed a few here that use the one line tension breaker perfect. Emulate what you see there.

Alright. That was long, but worth the time.
You have a interesting concept, I get it. I think I see where it's going - but with Isekai, I can't ever tell.
You can deliver details that are vivid and real. I liked those sections. I see why some folks on the book page have given you 💕 for them.
However, you have a myriad of issues.
Organize the chapters, put like things together, fix the perspectives and the tenses, stop for the love of all that is holy - using elipsis for emotion.
and Oh My God - Give us the character's name.
That alone is why I had to pick all three in a row. I had no clue who 'Unknown' is and frankly by the time I had figured out that it was the same person from Chapter 1 - I had stopped caring.
Overall, because I do like the concept and some of the writing, I will go with
:coffee::coffee: - 2/5 cups.
You have real issues that you need to address. If you address them with a friend, and have them look/read with fresh eyes, you will be much better off for it. We are our worst editors. Pick friends, pick family.
You can do it, I have faith.
I do hope this helped some, Be well and thank you for allowing me to take a peek into your vision.
 

yasa

Active member
Joined
Mar 2, 2024
Messages
11
Points
28
Organize the chapters, put like things together, fix the perspectives and the tenses, stop for the love of all that is holy - using elipsis for emotion.
and Oh My God - Give us the character's name.
Oh dang, I never expected such a detailed review. :sweating_profusely:
So basically, it's the same thing I've been having problems on for the last year or so.
Hmmmmm.
Tenses have never really been my strong suit, and I really don't know how to fix them at the moment. The ellipses was spot on, though I simply liked those on the stories I read, that's why I've been using them. As for the others, I'll also have a look on them.
Dang, 10th rewrite incoming. Hopefully I'll be able to do some more edits next month since I'm currently busy with college and all.
Thanks for the review! It's real nice seeing my story being dissected like this.
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
@yasa
Tenses aren't really all that difficult. Let's use your last reply.
So basically, it's the same thing I've been having problems on for the last year or so.
Typically "-ing" words are present tense and called the "present participle." The case above fits that nicely. Present tense are actions occurring now. So that up there is happening now and you have the tense right.

Tenses have never really been my strong suit, and I really don't know how to fix them at the moment.
That's past tense. They show what happened before. In the past. Never really been...all in the past.

It's better form to use the same tense in the same sentence, but it's common to shift.
The ellipses was spot on, though I simply liked those on the stories I read, that's why I've been using them.
This is an example. "Was" should be were...for clarity, and it keeps the first clause consistent with the second - "liked" which is part tense. Then the next clause "been using" is present.
That's an example of multiple tenses that work.
However it's better form and better for the reader to stay in one tense.

So something like this :

"The ellipsis were spot on. I've seen lots of others use them and simply liked it, so I've used the same thing."

Keep in mind that no one is perfect. That's why I say all the time, get a friend to help. Don't rely on Grammarly to fix your work. It's best to learn and adapt.

Personally, I have dyslexia. So while I do my best to maintain, there are times where I mess up quite badly.

If I can do it, you can as well.

Take care and happy writing!
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
The café is open for business! I finished my latest chapter and have some spare time for iced coffee and Chai. So come on in and let me take a look at your things! Well, things being your writing.
 

CharlesEBrown

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2024
Messages
2,727
Points
113
Well, hello again, Gabrielle. Kind of in the mood for a strong Irish coffee myself, but that may be a bit out of the pale for this establishment, so just an iced espresso I guess.
And if you're looking for something hopefully a little different (the PocketFM version is on the brink of getting REALLY weird - but also has about 20 more chapters posted than I have up here), at least from my other stuff , may I offer Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub?
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Well, hello again, Gabrielle. Kind of in the mood for a strong Irish coffee myself, but that may be a bit out of the pale for this establishment, so just an iced espresso I guess.
And if you're looking for something hopefully a little different (the PocketFM version is on the brink of getting REALLY weird - but also has about 20 more chapters posted than I have up here), at least from my other stuff , may I offer Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub?
Irish Coffee. I have the Jameson's in the back under lock and key to keep the teenagers out.
However, since I'm back there I'll grab some Bailey's Irish Cream to a just a little more kick.
I'll be more than happy to take a look at Your story.
Have a seat and I'll leave the bottle.
 

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
@CharlesEBrown
It took me a while to recover from the few Irish coffees I had while taking a look at your book
Digital Cowboy.

Since your story is both isekai and LitRPG, I knew the importance of reading this in order. It's been my experience that missing a certain skill or explanation will completely wreck the experience.
So I read Chapters 1-3.

Simply put, it's a good and solid story. I liked it.
Chapter 1.
Make no bones about it, you did the typical isekai and made Dane transition. However you're unique way of doing it, gave the reader something to "latch" on with. You gave Dane his personality, a look into his ethics and even gave a reasonably good way to get into the next part. What's more is that you did it with a single chapter. It didn't feel hurried, it flowed and was just enough to give the picture (it was electric.) without getting overly gross about it.
Easy to read, great detail. I honestly wanted to quote part of it, but I'm not going to spoil it here.
Edit wise, there's just really missing punctuation. That's minor.

Chapter 2.
It was a little difficult to understand until VICC came into the picture. There is one section that I re-read life four times and ultimately decided not to get hung up on it anymore. This is the section:

He opened his eyes - the bright light was painful, so he closed them again and reopened them very slowly this time. He was outside, partially buried in sand. A brilliant sun beat down on him and on the surrounding area.

Confused, Dane struggled to his feet; it took him three tries but then he was standing and looked around. To one side, either East if it was before noon or West if after, he saw a rocky outcropping.
I highly suggest cleaning those up a bit, the second on in particular. It sounds like the landscape moves westerly. I'm pretty sure you meant to use the sun, but it's written like the landscape moves. The other highlighted part is a tense shift, minor though. You go from past "reopened them" to present ""this time."
Simple edit, nothing story breaking.
VICC is a reality fun little "helper". Now I'm not sure if you mean VICC to be robotic, but the very beginning it is...which brings me to the out of place response.
[Unfamiliar with the reply but assuming it is affirmative: Dane Coleman has Marksman, Marksman Special: Sniper, Endurance, Ear For Languages, and Scrapper. Do you require explanations?]
It was a little strange. I would have thought it would have been more clinical.
Yeah, a minor quibble.
Anyway like the prior chapter there are some missing punctuation, but overall nice job. Works well and flows into the next part. You even answered what Dane has to do in order to talk to VICC in a very smooth manner.

Chapter 3.
What can I say? Other than editing and more punctuation fixes, the section is great. You have fun banter, a bit if history - an obsession with Joshua. You wrote him like a god, it's really fun.
Getting Danes thoughts are fun, the widow/mom sounds like a typical hard nosed Texan woman.

Overall?
The editing needs do not replace the fun you're bringing. As a reader, I wanted to keep going just for Dane and VICC conversations.
I like it.
Based solely on what I read im giving Digital Cowboy 5/5 ☕☕☕☕☕
And all Irish. You have a solid and nice slice of life with presented goals for Dane.
I seriously don't know why you only have 4 readers, what I read was great.
Keep up the great work and thank you for letting me take a look into your vision!

Be well!
 

CharlesEBrown

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2024
Messages
2,727
Points
113
@CharlesEBrown
It took me a while to recover from the few Irish coffees I had while taking a look at your book
Digital Cowboy.

Since your story is both isekai and LitRPG, I knew the importance of reading this in order. It's been my experience that missing a certain skill or explanation will completely wreck the experience.
So I read Chapters 1-3.

Simply put, it's a good and solid story. I liked it.
Chapter 1.
Make no bones about it, you did the typical isekai and made Dane transition. However you're unique way of doing it, gave the reader something to "latch" on with. You gave Dane his personality, a look into his ethics and even gave a reasonably good way to get into the next part. What's more is that you did it with a single chapter. It didn't feel hurried, it flowed and was just enough to give the picture (it was electric.) without getting overly gross about it.
Easy to read, great detail. I honestly wanted to quote part of it, but I'm not going to spoil it here.
Edit wise, there's just really missing punctuation. That's minor.
Cool - need to go back over it a fifth time then (had to make some major changes for PocketFM from my first two drafts, and then wound up editing it further when I uploaded here; probably introduced the errors there!) [as an aside, last I checked, it had two ratings on PocketFM - one five with no comment, one 4 star - from my wife - with a comment something like "Definitely different. Just wish there were more chapters"]
Chapter 2.
It was a little difficult to understand until VICC came into the picture. There is one section that I re-read life four times and ultimately decided not to get hung up on it anymore. This is the section:


I highly suggest cleaning those up a bit, the second on in particular. It sounds like the landscape moves westerly. I'm pretty sure you meant to use the sun, but it's written like the landscape moves. The other highlighted part is a tense shift, minor though. You go from past "reopened them" to present ""this time."
Simple edit, nothing story breaking.
VICC is a reality fun little "helper". Now I'm not sure if you mean VICC to be robotic, but the very beginning it is...which brings me to the out of place response.

It was a little strange. I would have thought it would have been more clinical.
Yeah, a minor quibble.
Anyway like the prior chapter there are some missing punctuation, but overall nice job. Works well and flows into the next part. You even answered what Dane has to do in order to talk to VICC in a very smooth manner.
Actually you caught something mostly intentional (though I do sometimes make mistakes in presentation) - VICC is supposed to be robotic. But is not always. This time the punctuation issues are likely original (and seem to come from doing the initial writing on my phone, then editing on the PC). I'll need to go over it.
Chapter 3.
What can I say? Other than editing and more punctuation fixes, the section is great. You have fun banter, a bit if history - an obsession with Joshua. You wrote him like a god, it's really fun.
Getting Danes thoughts are fun, the widow/mom sounds like a typical hard nosed Texan woman.

Overall?
The editing needs do not replace the fun you're bringing. As a reader, I wanted to keep going just for Dane and VICC conversations.
I like it.
Based solely on what I read im giving Digital Cowboy 5/5 ☕☕☕☕☕
And all Irish. You have a solid and nice slice of life with presented goals for Dane.
I seriously don't know why you only have 4 readers, what I read was great.
Keep up the great work and thank you for letting me take a look into your vision!

Be well!
Thanks for the feedback... and it does get weirder... a lot weirder... after a few Western tropes, of course...
 
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SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
@CharlesEBrown
Cool - need to go back over it a fifth time then (had to make some major changes for PocketFM from my first two drafts, and then wound up editing it further when I uploaded here; probably introduced the errors there!) [as an aside, last I checked, it had two ratings on PocketFM - one five with no comment, one 4 star - from my wife - with a comment something like "Definitely different. Just wish there were more chapters"]
I took a chance and looked into PocketFM, and while I enjoyed the look and feel of the stories listed there, it appeared to have a mountain of hoops to get listed.
What's worse is that since a healthy chunk of my writing is erotica-romance, there's no chance for it to get approved. Even if it did, their terms and conditions are just... Wow.
I think the platform is interesting and given what I've read of yours, I think it will do well over time - but I'm optimistic.
 

MindFudhe

New member
Joined
Jun 2, 2025
Messages
6
Points
3
Hey Gabrielle!

First, I hope you're having a great day!
Also, I think I have an unhealthy obsession with caramel latte🤤

Looking forward to the feedback, thanks!
 
Last edited:

SurfAngel_1031

AKA: Gabrielle Morales
Joined
May 6, 2023
Messages
243
Points
103
Hey Gabrielle!

First, I hope you're having a great day!
Also, I think I have an unhealthy obsession with caramel latte🤤

Looking forward to the feedback, thanks again!
Oh boy. I haven't made a Caramel Latte in a bit. Let me grind the beans and I'm have your coffee in a little bit. Until then?
Have a seat, chat with the others and I'll take a look at your story.
You've managed to catch me right after I finished a pirate tale and have a bit of down time!
Thanks for dropping by!
 

MindFudhe

New member
Joined
Jun 2, 2025
Messages
6
Points
3
Oh boy. I haven't made a Caramel Latte in a bit. Let me grind the beans and I'm have your coffee in a little bit. Until then?
Have a seat, chat with the others and I'll take a look at your story.
You've managed to catch me right after I finished a pirate tale and have a bit of down time!
Thanks for dropping by!
Ahaha, thanks and take your time!
I'll be sipping my virtual coffee until then:coffee:
 
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