@yasa
Good Afternoon! After a mountain of double spiced chai, with lots of ice and milk, I have in fact finished reading some of your story called :
Mockery of Once Innocent Delusions
I opened the page and read over the tags, and saw "Harem" and "Isekai"
Which are not my strongest points. So there might be something that I missed in the genre that other folks will get right away. So keep that in mind as I go over what I saw and read.
For the purposes of this review I read the following:
Synopsis
Chapter 0 - Prologue
Chapter 1 - Remembering One's Past
Chapter 2 - A New Brutal World (1)
Normally I would have skipped around and tried to see what the deeper parts of your book had, to see if there was improvement and the like. You were pretty regular until March where you stopped for a month. So I apologize in advance for not seeing more of the later chapters.
When I go into the story, we will see why I picked them in order.
Synopsis:
「If you had the choice to live your life again, would you do it?」
To some, being able to live your life again is intriguing, a dream even. But is it all just flowers and sunshine?
I would take these out. I am not real sure why you have the brackets around the first question, which is directed at the reader, then you send out a second question that is reflective in nature.
Then you go right into your real synopsis. Forget the fluff, and just give us the basics like you have in the rest. It's cleaner.
Moving on.
Chapter 0 - Prologue:
Immediately I was hit with a plethora of editing issues, organization problems and even changes in perspective. Furthermore, as I will show in a second, some of your paragraphs, sentences are just plain hard to get through. AKA - Purple Prose.
Let's start with the hard sentences. I took the time to use my ever trusty site
https://hemingwayapp.com/
The one that really stuck out to me was later in the section:
Take what you need to from this, and do what you like. The things that the site pointed out were in fact the hardest things to read in the Prologue. It bogged down the narrative.
Having pointed that out, I will dive into the organization.
What was once a quiet city of humans became a gigantic lamp within a day. The humans were fleeing from the fire. Some were charred. Others were trying to douse the roaring flames but were failing as the smoke choked them off.
An army of 5,000 soldiers surrounded the castle, where I observed the devastation before me.
A week had passed since the city was offered a peaceful surrender. The 73rd Demon Lord’s army was ordered to spare as many humans as possible by the 73rd Demon Lord himself. Despite the objections of his generals, they reluctantly agreed to the orders he gave them. It was both a noble and utterly pointless decision, and his generals knew that...
Then you have a section about humans fleeing, then this:
...Blood decorated the walls of the city's castle. It was a beautiful sight where the boastful mouths of those who chose to oppose the young lord were now eternally silenced. The knights that had commenced the eradication had already left, leaving me and the young lord alone with the corpses that were unceremoniously executed...
This is the example of the organization. This section should have been integrated into the beginning so it flows and sets up the backdrop for what is to come.
Now then,
Your POV shifts.
You, throughout this section go from first person - peripheral to first person - central. Let me show you the example that stood out the most.
He pointed to a burning child.
The young lord’s body swayed from left to right, looking at that one child and observing it carefully, frequently muttering random singular words ranging from ‘tiny’, ‘flee’, and ‘live’, to more ominous words such as ‘disgrace’, ‘pathetic’, and ‘die’.
This happened for a while, with the young lord’s words becoming more deranged until he stopped entirely.
He drank from the bottle of wine, then spoke.
“If we were to release a frail child to this world alone, what would happen? Would the child struggle, resist, and live? Could there be a hopeful outcome for those who were abandoned? Those who were left by their family—father, mother, siblings, and all? Such a child, devoid of protection and an absence of a nurturing family. A child who has not experienced the warmth of a parent’s embrace and the comforting words of siblings......”
My eyes were fixed on the child he pointed to, who tore its own skin when it tried to put the fire out, dying in an unpleasant manner.
I sighed internally.
It seems like the young lord is in another mumbling session, though this time he may be just drunk. It is quite concerning that the young lord has been a drunkard lately.
Well, what can I say? I am merely a concubine to his lordship after all.
This much is common.
“What will happen...... what will happen...... Scylla, what do you think would happen?”
He turned to me, who was standing quietly by his side.
Okay, the highlights point out to a couple things that are editorially needed.
The two in italics show distinctly that the POV shifts. From peripheral to central. This happens quite a bit
That last highlight is just worded oddly is all, I think it just needs to be something like "While standing quietly, He turned to me..." <-- You get the gist.
“But what if those that made the child grow...... its parents, its siblings...... be taken away? Would that same plant continue to grow or will it wither? Would the child still be able to survive?”
This sentence is nuts. I know you were referring to earlier in the section where you ask if a flower could grow and likened it back to the children, but this. Wow. Look at that second question. They don't make any sense. The first question is directly about kids. Without that one, the second one is pointless. However, with the jump in wording - it makes it sound like you have a plant's parents and siblings taken away.
I suggest cleaning it up.
We get musings from a Demon Lord and his concubine, which also is confusing (See the Hemingway section to assist)
Then it closes out.
Chapter 1.
This chapters issues begin right from the start.
[Unknown]
Based on the prior section we learn that is how this story projects who is talking. IN this case we simply will not know.
Which then becomes an issue.
We figure out most of the way through the section that Unknown person 1 - barely lived through an earthquake.
A typical isekai setup for removing a character early on. IN this case we don't even know who it is.
Only that the section is now back to first person - central, which was a shift from the prior chapter. However since it is a new chapter it's 'kinda' allowed, so I won't be too hard about it.
First, the opening sequence needs organization. You go through that she got up and went to work just to say it again.
It had been the usual day.
Waking up, commuting to work, and staying to work till past 12. Such a dull routine.
“Hahhhh......”
I only woke up to work today, yet this is how things ended up. This is bullshit. For a whole building to collapse on a perfectly good day, where there's little to no work, and me having fun disregarding what my younger colleague’s mumbling was. Isn’t this just damning? Not only am I jobless now, but also a cripple. Living will be a nightmare moving forward.
Organize the ideas. Other than that, you have a few tense shifts here as well. Nothing a fine edit can't resolve.
Let's move on.
This person goes on to hate life more than ever since a building more or less fell on her. Then we get this:
The world around me blurred into a mess. The pain I felt throughout my body was now gone, and the tips of my fingers grew colder.
I exhaled a long, pneumatic sigh and surrendered to it.
I slept.
“If you had the choice to live your life again, would you do it? I mean, think about it. For me, going back to childhood sounds great. Playing with old friends, having no worries. Shit, it makes me happy and sad at the same time. What about you?”
“Me? Why ask?”
“Just curious. Would you do it? It’s like a second chance to make things right. Don’t you ever wish you could escape to simpler times?”
“......”
“Isn’t that worth going back for?”
“No, no. It's just too much of a hassle.”
Okay. Let's start with my pet peeve. The singular thing I hate in lots of books I have seen.
Ellipsis. This thing -> "...."
No. Absolutely not. If you can't think of a real emotion or something character driven, then don't. That mess is a heap of nothing. It doesn't even "tell" anything. Certainly doesn't "show" anything. Poor, poor form. I won't mince words, I detest the use. Be imaginative. You have so far. The depth on the human killing, the thoughts of this person buried under the rubble, to the fact the person is wanting to sue the building.
Then you fail us with that mess up there. No.
Second,
There is a huge space, which is fine since the last thing Unknown 1 says is "I slept."
So what the heck is the last section. Why are you asking the reader the same question that was in the synopsis. It isn't for the reader to decide. You are the author, you provide.
IF this is Unknown 1 - then by all means, show us that it is.
Which brings me to why I had to go in order.
I don't know WHO the heck I am dealing with. I knew the concubine's name, but this whole section never once tells the reader who is trapped under the rubble, and whats more, does not do a good job in getting us to care. It's lots of typical isekai "I hate my life" and very little plot.
“If you had the choice to live your life again, would you do it?”
That question was in my head.
I am leaving the structure just as you have it. You do this ALL the time. Why is the speech separate from the person saying said thing? Put them together.
You have a few other editing issues like run-on sentences but other than that - you tell a short tale. It is descriptive and eventually you get your point across.
Chapter 2 - part 1.
Identical issues as before.
No named character that even matched the two chapters prior, so I have no clue what is happening and I read them in order.
I find that to be a particularly bad omen.
What is a child to their parents?
Is it a form of their affection? A symbol of intimacy? A child, born of their unrivaled love for each other?
Love, such a bullshit thing.
I digress, a child is merely an accident, if not a burden. Love has little to do with it. It is simply the parents wanting something to exploit for money so their lives would become more lavish. Or maybe something to hit while they’re bored. Either way, my point still stands. Children, more often than not, are just convenient burdens for their parents to twist into something useful. At least, that’s how it was for me.
I suppose it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. You have to gnaw at everything to survive, after all.
That was what my own father taught me.
“If only you weren’t born.”
More of the asking the reader, when you should be presenting. At least the section is in First person - central, even if the tense is wildly back and forth between present and past.
Why are these questions and statement all spread out? If it's one person thinking all this, which I assume it is since there's no dialogue - there's no need for the line spacing. Just write it and move on.
The man in front of me was my father. He had been sitting on a hospital bed for a few months now, dying. In those past months, I never said a word to him and only came here when the doctors said his time was nearing. I didn't really want to bother looking after him, but I went anyway. I’ve been sitting across his bed for a few hours, this was the only time he regarded me.
Example of Present/Past tense shifts. They are plentiful, so edit.
Moving on.
You finally opened your mouth. I thought you might have gone mute or perhaps deaf.”
“......”
“Well? Keep talking.”
Dreaded and horrific story insert. At least thanks to the father being a pain in the ass, we know that the person just opened their mouth.
So, why use the ellipsis? Oh, right - to convey a look or attitude. STOP.
Quit being lazy and typing like you are on twitter or freaking texting. This is a book.
So the story distinctly shows us that this father is a bastard and even tells Unknown 2 - that they should have been drowned. Lovely parent, by the way. I don't think anyone could be worse other than Charles Manson. Well done with the evil parent monologue.
Two Steps forward and one step back. The chapter splits.
Now we have yet another unknown - let's say Unknown 3.
So we have an inkling - which is fine, a little short on the description but it's "okay".
After reading a few disjointed lines like the other chapters and sections, I
THINK its the same person, or it sounds like it could be given the internal bashing of being worthless again. Unfortunately, since there are no names associated - I can't honestly tell.
Moving on.
Did I survive that incident? Then why am I in such a place? Shouldn’t I be in a hospital?
My hand...... my guts...... my legs...... they’re here, intact.
I tried to move my body, and when I did, there was a sound that followed—a clanging of metal, likely of a chain. A painful throbbing suddenly jolted throughout my body and resonated with every fiber of my muscles. I threw up because of that.
After some time, the throbbing feeling lessened, and a plate with gray slop on it greeted me.
“[Eat up.]”
I heard someone’s voice.
There was a man in front of me beyond the metal bars. He had long brown hair with armaments around his chest, and a silver, ornate sheath hung at his hip.
“Whe—uck!?”
I cut the word midway and gasped for air. It hurt to speak.
“[Tsk. Demon brat.]”
Ah, finally. It's the unknown person from Chapter 1. Still no name, but apparently a 'demon brat'
But you start a trend here that I don't understand. I looked in the glossary to see if it meant anything and it doesn't.
Brackets around your speech ["Hello"]
Why...what are you trying to do. It's never happened prior to this and it confused me.
Not to mention there are tense shifts within that highlighted area.
Anyway, lets move on.
Sigh.
I looked around—it seemed like I was in a decrepit place, a jail. An annoying silence was all around me. It was broken only by an occasional echo of a step taken by men walking about and the low whispers they said to one another.
Even in these unusual situations, my mind would be oddly calm, and I could think much more rationally than most people. It might be from my earlier experiences in life that I’m not even surprised by suddenly waking up here.
Think.
Jail. Foreign language. The man. My body.
Why even say Jail at the front, if you were just going to describe it later through this persons eyes? I don't get it.
More of the same split sentences for no reason.
then we get a list of things.
— Jail. Am I being held hostage? This place does have the quality of an abandoned storage house or something similar. There is a high possibility of that.
— Language. From what I’ve heard, he wasn’t speaking a language I knew. Korean, Chinese, Japanese, German, Russian. None seemed to match.
— Man. From what I could see, he’s someone who guards this place. If so, this information only cements the fact that I’m being held as a hostage.
— Body. How? How did my body heal in such a short amount of time? It also seems like my body shrank. Is this even possible given that I was on the brink of death? I don’t know. The clothes I was wearing were also different. From my office working clothes, consisting of a slacks and a suit, now it was a long-sleeved white shirt and a black leather-like jeans.
While it isn't "wrong" to do this, I personally think it would flow better through the character as a unified set of thoughts with descriptive text. I see this more like reading stereo instructions. So, while I am not a fan, I am not going to hold this against you. Just a personal observation.
I had a rough understanding of what was happening. But I’m still in the dark here, both figuratively and literally. Not only do my current circumstances give me more questions than answers, but I’m also bound to a wall.
You did the list, and then right after explained what they are thinking. It's why I suggested to make it one. If you aren't, then this next sentence is pointless. Since the person just went over the list of their understanding.
I lay there, still dazed, staring at the moss in the corner, trying to regain my breath. I could feel a slight coldness at the side of my face. I moved my already aching body and took a seated posture. There was a tiny puddle where my head was. It had traces of red blood on it. I could see my faint reflection on it, murky due to the dim light.
“......”
Who......
Who is this?
Sentence structure is too shallow for what you've done prior to this. Make that paragraph flow better. You are better than this.
Ellipsis - need I say it again?
Then the two right after.
We finally get to the confusion. This person has finally seen themselves in a low light in a small reflection of their blood.
Suffers from the same issue that the other chapters did.
You need to bring all of the sentences together and just make a real paragraph from them. Use the one line idea for something impactful. I have reviewed a few here that use the one line tension breaker perfect. Emulate what you see there.
Alright. That was long, but worth the time.
You have a interesting concept, I get it. I think I see where it's going - but with Isekai, I can't ever tell.
You can deliver details that are vivid and real. I liked those sections. I see why some folks on the book page have given you
for them.
However, you have a myriad of issues.
Organize the chapters, put like things together, fix the perspectives and the tenses, stop for the love of all that is holy - using elipsis for emotion.
and Oh My God - Give us the character's name.
That alone is why I had to pick all three in a row. I had no clue who 'Unknown' is and frankly by the time I had figured out that it was the same person from Chapter 1 - I had stopped caring.
Overall, because I do like the concept and some of the writing, I will go with
- 2/5 cups.
You have real issues that you need to address. If you address them with a friend, and have them look/read with fresh eyes, you will be much better off for it. We are our worst editors. Pick friends, pick family.
You can do it, I have faith.
I do hope this helped some, Be well and thank you for allowing me to take a peek into your vision.
