I’ll be blunt, it’s tough to read. This is just based on the synopsis and the first few paragraphs I got through from a technical standpoint, not on the story itself as I was too distracted by other things to focus on the story. The flow isn’t there, at least to me, it doesn’t feel fluid. There seem to be some words missing occasionally, or are typo’d which is distracting. I’d recommend reading it out loud to yourself as it might be easier to see what I mean when I say it’s not flowing very well. It feels somewhat choppy in places and disjointed in thoughts.