Hello readers I am asking for your help to get a feedback for my first book?

don_offl

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Ive started to write this book because of the love i have for kingdom building & op mc

It's my first book and english is my second language so there might be lot of mistakes but i will try best best to improve my writing and also if you can read and review my book it will be a huge help to me and i will be eternally thankful to you.

 

Ram5

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Ive started to write this book because of the love i have for kingdom building & op mc

It's my first book and english is my second language so there might be lot of mistakes but i will try best best to improve my writing and also if you can read and review my book it will be a huge help to me and i will be eternally thankful to you.

Hi, I read the first chapter, but I think you should edit it again for a better readability, here let me help you

In the realm of darkness, thunder and lighting went havoc, cutting through the sky as a figure emerged out of portal/thin air/ or whatever you want it from.

On one side, people with hair that shone even in the dark was startled at this figure arrival, the person who stood in the foremost line approached the figure, his aura radiated powerful energy akin to a sun, his muscle as if ripped through his golden robe.

" Supreme God Evan, what are you doing here? Was it because the White God Squad failed to capture the Supreme Demon Queen."

Evan stood there for a moment, his face was solemn yet one could notice a hint of urgency within his eyes.

"The Supreme Demon Queen's strength beyond our expectation."

The person squinted his eyes, revealing slightly difficult expression but eventually smiled.

"Don't worry Supreme God Evan, we, the divine Gods can slay that harlot and her minnions, we assured you the security of Mortal realms."

"Kaya, you don't get it, I am here because her strength is now comparable to mine."

The War God Kaya dropped his jaw, looking at Evan with disbelieve.

"How's that even possible?! You are our supreme, there is never been someone as strong as you, let alone that harlot..."

Evan sighed, he looked toward certain direction as if anticipated someone to appear.

"Light exist, so there also Darkness. One complement one after another. The key here is Balance, God Kaya, when the Light is strong, the Darkness will follow."

Kaya looked troubled, he never been the one who liked to think that deep, all he knew that was Demons should be exterminated completely, their presence would cause danger toward the Mortal's fate.

At this moment, a Dark aura appeared at the distant, a shadowy figure with blood red eyes.

"Evan, long time no see..."

End??
 

Shaiyamine

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Jan 3, 2019
Messages
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I've read the one you marked as your "1st Chapter" Return. I will be direct with you. The writing falls flat to me. It's something I'd probably just speed through if I ever bother to read it and here's why.

The sky is clear as a clean slate, the mountain peaks are standing like they are going to reach the sky. The sun is slowly setting in the west of the outer lands.
Suddenly out of nowhere a young man with long black hair wearing black robe jumped on the mountain. He has only two weapons on him, a longsword and a weapon like a sledgehammer.
He looked at the sunset with mixed feelings of sadness and rage.

"It's been 12 years since I have left the Moon empire, now I'm finally returned. This time I will make everyone pay for what they have done to me.I, Don will fulfill my promise Sister Elena as well as take revenge on everyone who took you away from me"

Nobody had known that his revenge is going to decide the fate of the entire realm.
Don jumped down the mountain and started to walk on the only road that seems to be used by humans.
Description, ok thats good however you're writing fantasy so you can try to be a bit more bold in describing things. Your use of simile instead of metaphor makes the feeling fall flat and won't give the reader an impression. There's a lot of description where no much action is done. There also seems to be a lot of tell rather than show so it doesn't give as much impact.

A shadow landed on the mountain peak dyed by the sunset. A long sword at his side and a sledgehammer like weapon on his back, he stared at the sun falling towards the horizon. "12 years....." His eyes filled with a mix of feelings, "I, Don, have returned." he hissed, spitting the name of an empire through gritted teeth. "Moon Empire"

I lessened the dialogue and took out unnecessary details, changed the descriptive similes into metaphors, and took out some description. The paragraph now has a better flow since I had something going on every other sentence if not every sentence, while not having too much description added. (The way I wrote the paragraph may have a few excessive though descriptions depending on another's taste)

"It's been 12 years since I have left the Moon empire, now I'm finally returned. This time I will make everyone pay for what they have done to me.I, Don will fulfill my promise Sister Elena as well as take revenge on everyone who took you away from me"
^monologues aren't entirely fun to read through so please don't put them in unless the situation calls for it. I think you were trying to give us a ridiculous amount of background story with this one dialogue but in the end it just falls flat. Wait for a proper moment in the story to reveal more details. Although we are writing a story, one action should lead to another, there should be a reason for movement.

I hardly think that standing on top of a mountain doing a monologue is the best way to give backstory to a reader. Especially so if the genre you're trying to write isn't comedy!

"Looks like outerlands didn't improve at all if my memory serves me right this part of the forests were inherited by white elves, I wonder if they are still here though.
It's almost night I need to camp out in the forest and find someone to ask about the current state of the mortal realm before I make any moves"
In most situations you don't have to explain to the reader why he does things when we're talking about actions being done to move the story. Explanation is needed when the action is made to further the plot and deepen the background.

Don closed his eyes and raised his hands and made a camp like structure in the air.
Out of nowhere the small part of the earth became like exactly how he made the signs in the air.
Took me a while to understand what happened. When trying to describe things to a reader who doesn't know how things work in the lore of your story try taking a step by step approach on the description.

Don closed his eyes. His hands raised, drawing the structure of a camp. The earth in front of him moved to take an identical shape to what he drew in the air.

"It looks a little clumsy but it's better to have a roof upon my head than nothing."
"Hey, knight are you done sleeping? If you don't catch something to eat we will be sleeping in an empty stomach"

A shadowy figure emerges from one of rings don wears and took the form of a white male lion with wings like an angel 's. This divine beast will strike awe in anyone's heart with its majestic look.
Accompany the dialogue with some action to make things interesting. Don't always have just dialogue alone. Also show people the divine beast's majesty don't just tell them that it has a majestic look, show some behavior and describe it.


He scratched his head. "A little clumsy looking but will do for now. Hey Knight." He raised a ring to eye level "You done sleeping? If you don't hunt food we will be sleeping on empty stomachs."

A bright light emerges from his ring. Landing in front of him, the light forms the figure of a white lion with a majestic mane and angel like wings. Its form was huge and its muscles were brimming with power. The lion lazily ruffled its mane, turning towards its master.


Knight replies with his kingly voice and made himself smaller like an average male lion
"Is this okay Don, You puny humans sure are small-minded ha ha ha asking the king of the forest to hunt for you."
As speaking Knight walked into the deeper forest to catch something to eat for both of them.
After sometime Knight returned with a low-level beast horned bull deer.
"Knight be on guard we are now on a place full of threats. It's my turn to take a nap"


Better to describe the voice using volume or sound related adjectives rather than impressions like "kingly". Add some personality to the dialogue, he is a king as said in his dialogue so how would you think a majestic figure who holds himself in high regard speak? To add insult to injury he is a high ranking figure however he is serving another person, although they may be good friends you can add some sarcasm to show some more of his personality. Also, tell the reader what is happening. We can't see what's in your head so you have to describe what you see and show it to us.

Knight shrank his body to the size of an average lion. "You humans are small minded." He chuckled, his deep voice reverberating in the air. "Imagine the audacity! Asking the king of the forest to hunt for you." He shook his head sighing and went to the deeper end of the forest "And I'm an idiot for actually hunting for you..."

An hour later Knight returned with a beast in his mouth. "These Horned Bull Deers are pretty weak." He commented.
Don shook his head "This place is dangerous don't let your guard down." Knight rolled his eyes in response. Don sighed "I'll nap for a while, watch the area for me." Knight grunted an affirmative and sat near Don.


I won't bother detailing the rest of the story. I suggest giving background information through interactions with characters to make it feel natural. The way you wrote is like spoon feeding info to the reader. It's better to write in a way you narrate what happened, the reasons for why it happened can be explained through other venues like a character asking why he did said action or the reason can be implied with a character's action or inaction. I do not suggest making your character do monologues to explain what the hell he did.

If you wish to show internal conflict then you can show this through combined usage of external actions, description of feelings, and internal monologue (italicised characters).

He turned his back towards her. I should leave her. He was about to move forward however he stopped at her cries. I don't need her. However his heart was screaming the complete opposite. Her screams clawed at his ears, his guilt stopping his feet. He raised his head, about to turn back. "Adrian!" He froze at the name. Warmth completely leaving his body. She doesn't see me at all. His shoulders slumped, his normally broad back seemingly smaller. He walked away from the crying woman on the ground. "My name is Ryan."

The trick to show and tell is to SHOW EMOTION and TELL FEELINGS. It makes your writing more alive. The excerpt I wrote is romance. Easy to give example to the show and tell. However once you get the hang of what to show and what to tell you can apply it to other writings.

Show what the character does, tell us what the character thinks.


search
My Golden Rules to ‘Show Don’t Tell’
by Leona Brits
Her tips on the writing cooperative site were pretty helpful and explain this concept better than I do.
 

don_offl

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
3
Points
3
I've read the one you marked as your "1st Chapter" Return. I will be direct with you. The writing falls flat to me. It's something I'd probably just speed through if I ever bother to read it and here's why.



Description, ok thats good however you're writing fantasy so you can try to be a bit more bold in describing things. Your use of simile instead of metaphor makes the feeling fall flat and won't give the reader an impression. There's a lot of description where no much action is done. There also seems to be a lot of tell rather than show so it doesn't give as much impact.

A shadow landed on the mountain peak dyed by the sunset. A long sword at his side and a sledgehammer like weapon on his back, he stared at the sun falling towards the horizon. "12 years....." His eyes filled with a mix of feelings, "I, Don, have returned." he hissed, spitting the name of an empire through gritted teeth. "Moon Empire"

I lessened the dialogue and took out unnecessary details, changed the descriptive similes into metaphors, and took out some description. The paragraph now has a better flow since I had something going on every other sentence if not every sentence, while not having too much description added. (The way I wrote the paragraph may have a few excessive though descriptions depending on another's taste)



^monologues aren't entirely fun to read through so please don't put them in unless the situation calls for it. I think you were trying to give us a ridiculous amount of background story with this one dialogue but in the end it just falls flat. Wait for a proper moment in the story to reveal more details. Although we are writing a story, one action should lead to another, there should be a reason for movement.

I hardly think that standing on top of a mountain doing a monologue is the best way to give backstory to a reader. Especially so if the genre you're trying to write isn't comedy!



In most situations you don't have to explain to the reader why he does things when we're talking about actions being done to move the story. Explanation is needed when the action is made to further the plot and deepen the background.



Took me a while to understand what happened. When trying to describe things to a reader who doesn't know how things work in the lore of your story try taking a step by step approach on the description.

Don closed his eyes. His hands raised, drawing the structure of a camp. The earth in front of him moved to take an identical shape to what he drew in the air.



Accompany the dialogue with some action to make things interesting. Don't always have just dialogue alone. Also show people the divine beast's majesty don't just tell them that it has a majestic look, show some behavior and describe it.

He scratched his head. "A little clumsy looking but will do for now. Hey Knight." He raised a ring to eye level "You done sleeping? If you don't hunt food we will be sleeping on empty stomachs."

A bright light emerges from his ring. Landing in front of him, the light forms the figure of a white lion with a majestic mane and angel like wings. Its form was huge and its muscles were brimming with power. The lion lazily ruffled its mane, turning towards its master.




Better to describe the voice using volume or sound related adjectives rather than impressions like "kingly". Add some personality to the dialogue, he is a king as said in his dialogue so how would you think a majestic figure who holds himself in high regard speak? To add insult to injury he is a high ranking figure however he is serving another person, although they may be good friends you can add some sarcasm to show some more of his personality. Also, tell the reader what is happening. We can't see what's in your head so you have to describe what you see and show it to us.

Knight shrank his body to the size of an average lion. "You humans are small minded." He chuckled, his deep voice reverberating in the air. "Imagine the audacity! Asking the king of the forest to hunt for you." He shook his head sighing and went to the deeper end of the forest "And I'm an idiot for actually hunting for you..."

An hour later Knight returned with a beast in his mouth. "These Horned Bull Deers are pretty weak." He commented.
Don shook his head "This place is dangerous don't let your guard down." Knight rolled his eyes in response. Don sighed "I'll nap for a while, watch the area for me." Knight grunted an affirmative and sat near Don.


I won't bother detailing the rest of the story. I suggest giving background information through interactions with characters to make it feel natural. The way you wrote is like spoon feeding info to the reader. It's better to write in a way you narrate what happened, the reasons for why it happened can be explained through other venues like a character asking why he did said action or the reason can be implied with a character's action or inaction. I do not suggest making your character do monologues to explain what the hell he did.

If you wish to show internal conflict then you can show this through combined usage of external actions, description of feelings, and internal monologue (italicised characters).

He turned his back towards her. I should leave her. He was about to move forward however he stopped at her cries. I don't need her. However his heart was screaming the complete opposite. Her screams clawed at his ears, his guilt stopping his feet. He raised his head, about to turn back. "Adrian!" He froze at the name. Warmth completely leaving his body. She doesn't see me at all. His shoulders slumped, his normally broad back seemingly smaller. He walked away from the crying woman on the ground. "My name is Ryan."

The trick to show and tell is to SHOW EMOTION and TELL FEELINGS. It makes your writing more alive. The excerpt I wrote is romance. Easy to give example to the show and tell. However once you get the hang of what to show and what to tell you can apply it to other writings.

Show what the character does, tell us what the character thinks.


search
My Golden Rules to ‘Show Don’t Tell’
by Leona Brits
Her tips on the writing cooperative site were pretty helpful and explain this concept better than I do.
Awesome You are absolutely correct ill make sure your suggestions are put into my writings I think ill get the hang of it when I write more and more Thank you
 

don_offl

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
3
Points
3
Hi, I read the first chapter, but I think you should edit it again for a better readability, here let me help you

In the realm of darkness, thunder and lighting went havoc, cutting through the sky as a figure emerged out of portal/thin air/ or whatever you want it from.

On one side, people with hair that shone even in the dark was startled at this figure arrival, the person who stood in the foremost line approached the figure, his aura radiated powerful energy akin to a sun, his muscle as if ripped through his golden robe.

" Supreme God Evan, what are you doing here? Was it because the White God Squad failed to capture the Supreme Demon Queen."

Evan stood there for a moment, his face was solemn yet one could notice a hint of urgency within his eyes.

"The Supreme Demon Queen's strength beyond our expectation."

The person squinted his eyes, revealing slightly difficult expression but eventually smiled.

"Don't worry Supreme God Evan, we, the divine Gods can slay that harlot and her minnions, we assured you the security of Mortal realms."

"Kaya, you don't get it, I am here because her strength is now comparable to mine."

The War God Kaya dropped his jaw, looking at Evan with disbelieve.

"How's that even possible?! You are our supreme, there is never been someone as strong as you, let alone that harlot..."

Evan sighed, he looked toward certain direction as if anticipated someone to appear.

"Light exist, so there also Darkness. One complement one after another. The key here is Balance, God Kaya, when the Light is strong, the Darkness will follow."

Kaya looked troubled, he never been the one who liked to think that deep, all he knew that was Demons should be exterminated completely, their presence would cause danger toward the Mortal's fate.

At this moment, a Dark aura appeared at the distant, a shadowy figure with blood red eyes.

"Evan, long time no see..."

End??
It's so much better than my writing thank you for the suggestions ill definitely put what you taught me into my writing
 
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