Help me fix my synopsis

[hueyhare]

So in another recent post it was mentioned that my synopsis isn't great. I was hoping I could get some help making it better here. Here's what I have currently:

In a fantasy world, war rages as land runs out. Elves, Dwarves, Humans, and other races fight for control of the limited space they have. When a land mass suddenly appears out of nowhere, people flock to it, only to be caught up in its mysteries.

Kaia, one of the last living members of the Treek race, heads to the land to find others like herself and escape the war that surrounds her. With conflict at her back, and untamed wilderness ahead, she and the companions she makes discover the truths of the new land and themselves.

I think part of the problem is that I have a lot I'm trying to fit in there, and I start with the world instead of the character. It was also mentioned that it sounds a bit bland/cliche. What do you think makes a good synopsis? And what would make this one better?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Mizu]

I dont think introducing the setting first is inherently bad. I think the problem is that you broke immersion. You called it a fantasy world in the first sentence and that turned me off right away. Perhaps: Elves, humans, and dwarves have been locked in a bloody struggle for centuries. Land has long since been a scarce resource but the sudden discovery of new land has changed this. People from all over flock to this mysterious new land in search of adventure, land, and fortune.
The second one is good but perhaps put the sense of mystery here. Such as: Kaia escapes the old world that has destroyed her people, the Treek. She soon discovers, however, that something is wrong.
I haven't read your story so I dont know if this will fit but the ideas might be the same. You want to build immersion right from the start. Using the phrase "in a fantasy world" instantly breaks all immersion.

 

[hueyhare]

Thanks for the feedback. I had added that part in to let readers know right away what genre they were looking at, but I guess the second sentence ("Elves, Dwarves, Humans...") makes that pretty clear on its own.

As a temporary fix to this, I deleted that first phrase. I figure I'll rewrite the whole thing after I get more feedback, but here is the current state of it:

War rages as land runs out. Elves, Dwarves, Humans, and other races fight for control of the limited space they have. When a land mass suddenly appears out of nowhere, people flock to it, only to be caught up in its mysteries.

Kaia, one of the last living members of the Treek race, heads to the new land to find others like herself and escape the war that surrounds her. With conflict at her back, and untamed wilderness ahead, she and the companions she makes discover the truths of the new land and themselves.

 

[BOWIESENSEI]

I dont think introducing the setting first is inherently bad. I think the problem is that you broke immersion. You called it a fantasy world in the first sentence and that turned me off right away. Perhaps: Elves, humans, and dwarves have been locked in a bloody struggle for centuries. Land has long since been a scarce resource but the sudden discovery of new land has changed this. People from all over flock to this mysterious new land in search of adventure, land, and fortune.
The second one is good but perhaps put the sense of mystery here. Such as: Kaia escapes the old world that has destroyed her people, the Treek. She soon discovers, however, that something is wrong.
I haven't read your story so I dont know if this will fit but the ideas might be the same. You want to build immersion right from the start. Using the phrase "in a fantasy world" instantly breaks all immersion.

Yeah you're absolutely right. Gotta keep that immersion, it's integral to not only your synopsis but your ability to tell the story too! I hope everything works out for you. I'll check your story out hueyhare!
(edit) how do you link your story below like you do?

 

[Mizu]

To link a story you need to click on the insert link icon. From there you will have two boxes for text. The top one is where the link goes. The bottom one is to hide the link as a sentence or word so it looks less goofy.
Example:Glory be to Arria.
I typed the URL in the top box and Glory be to Arria in the bottom one.
PS. *cough* Shameless plug. *cough*

 

[starwarscards]

To link a story you need to click on the insert link icon. From there you will have two boxes for text. The top one is where the link goes. The bottom one is to hide the link as a sentence or word so it looks less goofy.
Example:Glory be to Arria.
I typed the URL in the top box and Glory be to Arria in the bottom one.
PS. *cough* Shameless plug. *cough*

https//www.scribblehub.com/series/36477/glory-be-to-arria/

you forgot a slash in your link... (in red) or you could just get rid of the HTTPS// part too... :p

EDIT: i see it also auto links addresses :/

 

[Mizu]

https//www.scribblehub.com/series/36477/glory-be-to-arria/

you forgot a slash in your link... (in red) or you could just get rid of the HTTPS// part too... :p

EDIT: i see it also auto links addresses :/

Thanks for catching that. I was doing it over the phone and accidentally hit a wrong button because I was doing the thing from memory. Copy and paste is stupid on my phone.

 

[hueyhare]

Yeah you're absolutely right. Gotta keep that immersion, it's integral to not only your synopsis but your ability to tell the story too! I hope everything works out for you. I'll check your story out hueyhare!

Thanks for taking a look, BOWIESENSEI